My apologies to those of you who butt-birthed out a sparkly rainbow of excitement after looking at that headline and picture and thinking that Cyndi Lauper and Cher are going to star in a Broadway musical adaptation of a gay classic together. You know, like Showgirls: The Musical (Cyndi as Nomi, Cher as Cristal). Or Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?: The Musical (Cyndi as Baby Jane, Cher as Blanche). Or Death Becomes Her: The Musical (Cyndi and Cher alternating roles). As much as I want to see Cher’s Cristal sing out a riveting ballad called “You Are A Whore, Darlin'” to Cyndi’s Nomi, that’s a thing that will only exist in my dreams. They aren’t working together on Broadway and their projects are totally different. First up, Cyndi!
Seen above sticking out her naan ass (if you read that as “non ass,” that works too) in another Twitter portrait, Miley Cyrus has been re-tweeting all the praise she’s been getting for her performance of Spring Breakers: The Musical at the VMAs. But one ho who is not going to slow clap for that mess is Cyndi Lauper. Because we need to ask every single person for their thoughts on Miley looking like a rabid chipmunk in heat on that stage, Australian radio hosts Brig & Lehmo (via E!) asked Cyndi Lauper about it. Cyndi is all for girls just having fun as long as those girls don’t promote date rape while having fun. Cyndi put it like this:
“Now that was Girl Gone Wild. So sad, so sad. That was like Girls Gone Wild. She’s in a song that literally says that the blurred lines allowed you to—when a woman says no, that she means yes—and that is frightful because that’s date rape. It’s like, that’s okay, it’s cool. And there she is, a young twentysomething trying to prove she can hang with the big boys and girls, you know, basically simulating a Girl Gone Wild video onstage. And I just felt like it was so beneath her and really raunchy, really raunchy. It wasn’t even art. It was raunch. It’s so sad. I felt really sad for her. I know Gaga mooned everybody and I was laughing to my son, ‘This is like the naked video awards,’ but at least it was in art. It was like art. The other one was like raunch.”
She says “raunch” like it’s a bad thing!
Miley’s tragic back twerking made Cyndi sad and that makes me sad, but what is Cyndi going on about? Miley’s performance was a pro-date rape PSA and like something out of Girls Gone Wild?! Cyndi Lauper is the voice of everything, but she’s wrong about this. The most offensive part of that shit show was Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit and the only things that performance promoted were tongue sedation, regular visits to the free clinic, laughing yourself into a coma and the dangers of twerking with no ass. I wouldn’t say that Miley promoted date rape. Sure, parts of that mess of a performance made me to want to roofie my eyeballs… Oh, wait…
Coachella can go and suck the desert dust out of its cooch, because the real party went down on top of a table at The Gay and Lesbian Center benefit when Juliette Lewis defied the laws of tight white pants by rage squatting during her band’s performance. That bottle of wine doesn’t know whether to pop its cork or sit real still hoping that her crotch thetans don’t suck it right in. I’m no pelvic expert, but Juliette looks like she could Kegel up a suction tunnel so I’m thinking the latter happened. Juliette also wasn’t alone on the table, Cyndi Lauper threw her ass up there during her performance. You know your weekend has been made when you’re staring into the crotch of a legend.
And no, you’re not the only one who is looking at those bottles of sweet sweet nectar like a worried parent watching their toddler play in the sand box around a bunch of rowdy ass brats. Juliette is a poot and scoot away from sending that beautiful bottle crashing to the floor. I’m all for stomping on a table, but make sure the innocents (aka the bottle of booze) are safe and sound first.
Here’s a few more pictures of Juliette and Cyndi hollerin’ for the gays in L.A. last night. Chely Wright, her fiancee, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D also showed up. Hopefully, a bold gay with taste snatched that gutter garbage wig right off of Kat Von D’s head and put it back on the end of a mop where it belongs. That wig is seven pounds of BUSTED.
When your flight has been canceled and your frustrated anxiousness is cooking to a boiling point under the fluorescent airport lights, the only thing you want to hear on the PA loudspeaker is your name being called from the stand-by list. But now the other thing you won’t mind hearing on the loudspeaker is Cyndi Lauper singing the fuck out of Girls Just Want To Have Fun. That’s what happened at Jorge Newbery Airport in Buenos Aires on Friday after airlines canceled flight after flight.
When the steam rising off of everybody’s asshole started to cause the sprinklers to shake, Cyndi helped out the airline staff by trying to lift everybody’s spirit with SONG! It’s not an open bar, but it’s the next best thing. And I don’t think anybody cared that she was dressed like a Sith Lordess who just raided the sunglasses section of Duty Free.
Cyndi Lauper had the frowns in NYC the other day for two reasons: a) Captain Lou went off to heaven and b) Cyndi has to look at Donald Trump’s hairy hemorrhoid head for the next few weeks. You see, Cyndi is part of the cast of Celebrity Apprentice which started shooting this week. And by the looks on some of their faces you can tell they wish they were being shot…literally.
The rest of the cast includes Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, his My Little Bandanna Weave, Curtis Stone, Rod Blagojevich, Maria Kanellis (some WWE chick), Holly Robinson Peete, Darryl Strawberry, Bill Goldberg (some wrestler-type), Carol Leifer, and Summer Sanders (a gold medalist swimmer).
Hopefully, Tilda Swinton will find a way to break into the boardroom (Tip to Tilda: Disguise yourself as Ivanka’s old nose) to wreak havoc.
At Nelson Mandela’s birfday concert in NYC this past weekend, Cyndi Lauper and Lil’ Kim sang “Time After Time” together. Maybe I blocked it out, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard Lil’ Kim sing live before and now I know why. I’m thinking the overgrown pube bush on Cyndi Lauper’s hair might have sucked all the moisture out of Lil Kim’s voice, because homegirl sounds dry. Throw a Gatorade on her throat! Lil Kim’ also sounds like the prison warden made her run 100 laps before the concert.
Let this be a lesson, don’t let a train get ran on you before performances. Wait until after!
And is it just me, or does Kim sort of looks like the toddler version of Katie Price? I see what Kim’s doing. If she looks just like Katie Price, maybe she’ll get Harvey to come over to her side. Good play.