In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.
Us Weekly is saying that things got real over in family court yesterday in NYC as Bethenny Frankel of The Real Housewives of New York City and her ex-husband Jason Hoppy met in a courtroom to fight about child custody. They currently have a joint custody agreement, but Bethenny–once again–wants to take a lighter to that piece of paper and get a new one drafted where she has sole custody of 8-year-old daughter Bryn. Why should Bethenny get custody? Because Jason is a mean, derogatory, rough asshole who locks dogs in closets! I can excuse being an asshole father, but dog abuse? YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR!
Here, pictured in happier times, are Nas and Kelis. The two were married for 5 years before filing for divorce in 2009. It’s been a minute since I checked in on what Kelis has been up to since she came out with allegations that Nas was physically and mentally abusive during their relationship. When that came out, Nas was heated, denied the allegations and posted an exhaustive 7-part series of Instagram posts defending his honor, reading Kelis for filth, and going into way too much detail about their grueling custody battle over their 9-year-old son Knight (last names are so last year). That was last September. According to The Blast, things have heated up again as Kelis embarks on a new journey in her life as a milkshake farmer in Colombia. And she’s bringing Knight along for the ride, despite Nas’ objections.
Brad and Angelina were fighting tooth, nail, and sharp cheekbone over a custody arrangement for their six kids. The alleged gist of which was that Brad wanted a reasonable amount of custody and Angelina didn’t want to give it to him. Brad and Angelina came to a decision, but it’s only temporary, and it states that Brad will gain more visitation over time. Sources tell The Blast that as of right now, Brad gets less than 50% custody of the kids. Even though Brad is currently sitting on less than 50% custody, a source tells UsWeekly that Brad got exactly what he wanted.
However, that increase in visitation is likely to happen after Brad and Angelina finalize all the financial parts of their divorce. There are hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property and money that need to be sorted out before everything is 100% wrapped up.
Brad and Angelina seemed to really enjoy yanking each other’s chains during this whole custody process. So of course it feels a little strange that the custody part it would end (for now) on such a smooth note. The custody agreement was just…filed? Like, filed normally? Dropped off on someone’s desk, without any yelling or tearing of the folder it was filed in? If I were the person responsible for accepting those papers, I would have opened them with an old priest and a young priest standing close by. Because if it’s too good to be true, then it probably is, and those papers are cursed.
The judge, bailiff, and stenographer of the courtroom that handled Jon and Kate Gosselin’s custody case probably showed up in large plastic ponchos and a clear mask over their faces, because they were ready for the blood, guts, and flesh to fly after Kate unlocked her jaw and went after Jon for daring to fuck with her. But the court was spared from the slaughter since Kate and her lawyer didn’t bother to show up, which may have resulted in something that hasn’t happened to Jon in a while: he won at something.
If we’ve learned one thing from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up, it’s that those two are taking out all the pent-up rage they’ve amassed over the years of do-gooder ways around the world and letting it out on each other in the form of a custody battle. I figured those two would never actually get divorced and just spend the next few decades firing off legal letters until Judge Judy settled their marital tiff. But then it was reported that they’re trying to settle their custody issues so they can avoid going to trial. And now they’re asking for a lot more time to shank at each other in a private conference instead of in a courtroom.