Crocs, America’s unofficial shoe of screaming theme park moms and kids with permanent fruit punch mouth. They don’t need celebrity endorsements, because they really sell themselves. What are you going to wear when you’re screaming at your kid that they’ve had enough red juice? But they continue to pay famous people, possibly in hopes that someone will make Crocs seem cool. As it turns out, Crocs found that person in a human that looks a tattooed Fozzie Bear, and he’s done a good job of selling them.
I’ve always said that you can never trust a grown bitch who wears the devil’s hooves known as CROCS out in public. And look at what we have here.
Last year, the slimy brother of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons stepped away from his show The Chew and his restaurants after several women accused him of not being able to keep his greasy paws to himself. Some of those allegations (and more) found their way to the NYPD and now an investigation has started. Um, Mario Batali should’ve been eating cardboard and toilet sauce pizza on Death Row years ago for murdering retinas with those hideous CROCS, but better late than never I guess…
Drew Barrymore was in one of the greatest movies ever made, Poison Ivy, and also in one of the greatest TV shows that existed, 2000 Malibu Road, so I used to think that she could really do no wrong. But that thought about Drew was torched from my brain as soon as I learned that not only did she sell her soul to the devil by signing a deal with CROCS (or “Crocth” as she probably calls them), but she also warble lisped out a song in a commercial for them. Oh, Drew, you know that there’s less offensive ways to come out as a Satan worshiper, like sacrificing a goat in the middle of a pentagram painted with blood. WHY, DREW, WHY? A check just ain’t a check if it comes from CROCS. It’s also a vow to spread the message of Satan throughout the land!
Myrtle Snow’s last words on American Horror Story: Coven now make complete sense. When she screamed, “BALENCIAGUUUUUUUH!!!!“, she wasn’t proclaiming her love for them. That magnificent ginger was obviously a future-seer and was damning Balenciaga and warning us all of the horror they were going to shart up onto the world a few years later.
The go-to footwear for Mario Batali and Memaws and Pepaws at The Villages in Florida (how else would they shuffle between old timer sex parties??) is on life support!
The New York Post reports Crocs got slapped back from the patent folks after spending years suing rivals for stealing their design… this is kind of like when you hear someone is trying to steal your eccentric uncle’s ’82 El Camino. Sometimes you just let a broad take that shit! The brand is also cutting back on how many stores it runs: Continue reading
That picture is singing (to the tune of Jenny from the Block): ♪♪ Don’t be fooled by the rocks on my Crocs, I’m not, I’m not sucking Satan’s cock ♪♪
And we’re all screaming: YES, YOU ARE!
Charms on Crocs have existed for a while now, and I don’t know why. Dress up a giant turd out of Satan’s ass all you want, but it’s still a giant turd out of Satan’s ass. But Scottish fashion designer Christopher Kane decided to bring some HIGH-FASHUN to the Ninth Circle’s footwear of choice. During his show at London Fashion Week yesterday, models stomped down the runway in fancified Crocs that had rocks and gemstones stuck in their orifices. That one above looks like a demon’s bloody organ that’s covered in hardened tumors, warts from Lucifer’s ass and crack rocks from space.
Lucy Thornley, Crocs vice president of women’s and kids product, tells WWD that if you want to look like you smoke crack while shopping for footwear, you can buy Kane’s Crocs at select stores:
While market details have yet to be finalized, Crocs estimates that the clogs will retail for more than $150. In contrast, the average Crocs clog retails for about $35.
The Kane editions will be sold with its custom Jibbitz included and the designer’s insignia stamped on each ankle strap. They will be retailed through “a very select list of stores that Christopher Kane current distributes to,” said Poole, and will not be sold in Crocs’ own stores.
Lucy left something out. Those Kane Crocs will cost you $150 plus your SOUL!