If you happen to see Emma Thompson, Emma Bunton, Emma Stone or any other famous Emma strolling into Lena Dunham’s hair salon (aka Superfuglycuts), immediately scream at their asses to think of their hair and to not do it. Because it seems like all of the famous Emmas are getting their bangs butchered as they though they were a toddler whose drunk, lazy mom cut her hair with rusty pruning shears (or whose mom really hates her and wants her to get made fun of at school). First Emma Watson got baby bangs, and now Emma Roberts is out there looking like a Vulcan-ized white Cleopatra. Baby bangs: it’s an emmademic!
Emma’s on-and-off-again fiancé/boyfriend/whatever Evan Peters was nominated for Best Actor in a Movie/Miniseries (for American Horror Story: Cult) at last night’s Critics’ Choice Awards. Evan may have lost to Ewan McGregor for Fargo, but his fiancée/girlfriend/whatever unofficially won an award For Most Tragic Fringe Job thanks to that American Horror Story: Bangs shit terrorizing her forehead. Maybe Emma was feeling charitable last night and wanted to give her haters some easy ammunition by doing her hair like the Queen of the Trash People?
It’s obvious that Emma’s bangs are of the clip-on kind, and so I feel sorry for the bottomless hula girl doll whose grass skirt was stolen from her and slapped on Emma’s head. But if Emma really did do that to her hair for real, I shouldn’t make fun of her. I mean, it’s better that she’s fucking up her bangs instead of fucking up her boyfriend.
Hollywood decided to wear black at the Golden Globes last Sunday night in silent protest of the industry’s sexual assault problem. But four days later, most Hollywood people at the Critics’ Choice Awards went with color.
Kate Bosworth didn’t wear color, but she did wear a mess. Kate is wearing a dress by Brock Collection, but if I hadn’t been told who made her dress, I’d assume she went into a formal event showroom on a particularly dry day, collected too much static electricity while trying on a bridal gown with her socks on, and accidentally left the store with a child’s christening gown that was stuck to her. The best part is that the fun didn’t end when Kate turned around.
James Franco is really in a pickle at the moment. It’s awards season, and he’s winning trophies for his role in The Disaster Artist. James was nominated for Best Actor and Best Actor in a Comedy at the Critics’ Choice Award, which was held yesterday in Santa Monica. On the same day, five women publicly came forward with sexual misconduct accusations against him. So what’s an alleged creep to do? James decided to bail on the Critics’ Choice Awards.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
Last night, the Critics’ Choice Awards were held in Santa Monica, CA and while they may appear fancier than, let’s say, The Cable Ace Awards (RIP), they’re still prone to the same crazy shit you’ll get at the MTV Awards. Like award-yanking!
Justin Theroux was nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night (SPOILER: He lost to Rami Malek) and he brought his wedded piece Jennifer Aniston as his date. You know, I was going to hate on Jennifer Aniston’s peek-a-cooch dress for looking like two dusty retirement home curtains sewn together by an impatient frog with arthritis, but I’m not going to. I mean, it’s obvious that she went through a whole lot to be there.
When Jennifer Aniston first got to the Critics’ Choice Awards, she got out of the car while wearing her original dress and when she took three steps, a pack of asshole wolves (probably die-hard members of Team Jolie who won’t let go) smelled the Baby Alive food that she spilled on herself and they tore her outfit into a million pieces. She had to run her naked ass into the nearest store, which happened to be a David’s Bridal. Aniston quickly bought a factory-defective clearance rack bridesmaid dress and as she made her way back to the Critics’ Choice Awards, that goddamn pack of wolves jumped her again and tore her new dress in two. Aniston ran into a Rite-Aid where she bought a stapler and sloppily stapled her dress back together. She finally made it to the CCAs and yes, she looked like a raggedy mess, but she suffered through an ordeal and made it!
And when Justin presented on stage, someone was blocking Jennifer’s view and she told that trick to move, bitch, get out the way.
You have to keep an eye on your man at all times because you never know when some hussy harlot whore is going to sweep in and snatch him up. Rude ho. Aniston should’ve pulled a Beanie Baby out of her purse and threw it at their head.
And here’s a million more pictures from the CCAs including some of the return of Julian McMahon!