Charbroiled fútbol star (and alleged possible rapist?) Cristiano Ronaldo might be the proud father of twins, according to reports out of Portugal (via The Sun – which is Cristiano’s favorite paper, for obvious reasons).
Despite earlier reports that he was having twin sons, it looks like he’s now the proud “papai” (I get all my Portuguese from Google Translate because I can’t afford Rosetta Stone) of a boy and a girl. Eva and Mateo reportedly said “Olá!” to the world for the first time on Thursday, according to Portuguese TV channel, SIC. Cristiano’s camp hasn’t confirmed the happy news, but “several Portuguese websites and newspapers” are running with it.
Earlier this month, the German news magazine Der Spiegel reported that an American woman, they called “Susan K,” had accused the football-playing piece of overcooked bacon and soon-to-be father of three, Cristiano Ronaldo, of raping her in the penthouse of the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas in 2009. The report claimed that Susan K was scared for her life at the time so she didn’t report it to the police. He reportedly paid her $375,000 in hush money. At the time that Der Spiegel’s report came out, his team basically called the story fake news and said that it was built on unsigned documents and that the alleged victim has never come forward publicly. They made it sound like they were thinking of suing Der Spiegel. But it doesn’t look like they have yet and Der Spiegel has done the opposite of backing down. They doubled down on their story today and published what they claim are signed settlement documents. They also claim they have text messages from Cristiano about the settlement negotiations. Like a giant cloud covering the sun during Crispy’s skin-baking time, Der Spiegel isn’t playing around with him.
Get out of the pre-motorboating position, I wasn’t talking about that kind of glorious bronze bust.
If Eric Trump got a Hitler youth haircut, had his face lipo’d by a de-licensed back alley plastic surgeon, huffed so much helium that his eyes went all Parasite Hilton and got sprayed down by the same fake tan diarrhea that his dad gets sprayed down with, he would look like this bust of Cristiano Ronaldo.
It really is the era of multiples! (I’m talking about babies and sadly not talking about the return of Sandra Garratt’s Multiples clothing line.) Pharrell Williams’ wife had triplets, Madonna adopted twins, Beyonce and Amal Clooney are both having twins, and now The Sun is saying that a leased baby oven is carrying Cristiano Ronaldo’s twin boys. Congratulations to the makers of the ab roller for newborns, tanning oil for babies and brow waxing kits for kids, because they are about to get two more loyal clients.
During a football match on Sunday, chiseled bronzer stick Crispy Ronaldo, who plays for Real Madrid, got into a fight with Koke, who plays for Atlético Madrid, and the two ended up kissing foreheads. I’ve had dreams that started out just like that. But before we go any further, I just want to say that Koke’s real name is Jorge Resurrección Merodio. For why would you go by the name Koke when you can go by the name Resurrección? That’s almost as hot of a name as Concepción. I mean, Koke is how the Kardashians spell “coke.”
Here’s a video of the little fight and if you can’t scream, “TOUCH TONGUES!”, because you’re at work, don’t worry, I already did it for you.
Spanish radio station Cadena Cope (via The Daily Mail) claims that the fight didn’t end there. The fight made a sharp turn into GayPornVille when Crispy and Koke allegedly continued to rage on each other in the locker room after Crispy’s team won 3-0. Cadena Cope say they heard Koke and Crispy have this tiny battle of words:
Crispy: A faggot with a lot of money, you bastard!
Arcópoli, an LGBTQ rights group in Spain, wants the football league to investigate this mess.
Does that mean that Crispy came out? Probably not, but I do know that’s an A+ response. Although, it would’ve been an A+++ response if Crispy shot back with, “A faggot with a lot of money and eyebrows plucked for the gods, you bastard!”
Pics: YouTube, Wenn.com
Living Slim Jim Cristiano Ronaldo is vacationing his ass in Miami and the sun is drawing UV Rays from HIM because that dude is TANNED. I’m not sure what that means because science is hard but he is BRONZED for the gods. He’s a sexy walking copper mine! Metallurgy is hard, too. Crispy hasn’t quite rolled his chariot into the George Hamilton/Tan Mom arena just yet but age might mess with his look down the road. He should watch out. Hot body with a tan works, burnt sienna wrinkles do not. Looking like one of Magda’s tits is still a scary look 18 years later. Ugh, I’m so old.
Please note that Cristiano is also trying to bring back Vamp. Good luck, Crispy!
Check out more snaps of a shirtless Cristiano Ronaldo in Miami in the gallery below.