Living Slim Jim Cristiano Ronaldo is vacationing his ass in Miami and the sun is drawing UV Rays from HIM because that dude is TANNED. I’m not sure what that means because science is hard but he is BRONZED for the gods. He’s a sexy walking copper mine! Metallurgy is hard, too. Crispy hasn’t quite rolled his chariot into the George Hamilton/Tan Mom arena just yet but age might mess with his look down the road. He should watch out. Hot body with a tan works, burnt sienna wrinkles do not. Looking like one of Magda’s tits is still a scary look 18 years later. Ugh, I’m so old.
Please note that Cristiano is also trying to bring back Vamp. Good luck, Crispy!
Check out more snaps of a shirtless Cristiano Ronaldo in Miami in the gallery below.
The Portuguese news channel CMTV has long been the Alexis Carrington Colby to Cristiano Ronaldo’s Krystle Carrington. Crispy has boycotted them and even tried to sue them for airing stories about him and his family that he didn’t appreciate. CMTV and Crispy’s feud hit the water today, and unfortunately by that, I don’t mean that they got into a hot wrestling match in a lily pond ala Alexis and Krystle.
EURO 2016 (which I guess is like the Tonys of the football world?) is going down in France right now and Crispy’s team, Portugal, played Hungary today. Before the game, a reporter from CMTV strolled up to Crispy and asked him if he was prepared. Crispy basically said, “Bitch, fuck you, go ask the fishes,” with one simple move. Crispy grabbed the mic and tossed it into the lake. Justin Bieber needs to pull up a chair in the front row and study this video carefully. This is how you throw a hissy fit:
The way he chucked that thing. You’d think that the reporter handed him a bottle of sunscreen. I don’t know what I love more: The thought of Crispy’s overcooked b-hole getting steamy as he wrestled that mic out of the reporter’s hand or the sound of that mic flying through the air. But really, it’s all fun and mic-throwing until we find out that the mic landed on and killed an endangered frog and Crispy gets imprisoned for it. I don’t know what color French prison uniforms are, but if they’re orange, Crispy is going to look perfect in them.
And here’s the mic tosser playing in today’s game:
Crispy Ronaldo should’ve really added 93 octane fuel to the gay rumors by opening up his house tour video with: “Well, hello, and welcome to my home.”
Believe it or not, Crispy Ronaldo doesn’t live in a giant tanning booth where the lamps on his ceiling keep his skin as crispy as a roasted chicken at all times. Crispy lives in a cokehead’s dreamland. The waxed and fried football-playing wonder showed off his house in Madrid for the sports website Unscriptd and it looks like the lair of a super villain in a Euro soap opera. It’s pretty much a shrine to Crispy since everywhere he turns he can get a clear glimpse of his gorgeous face. I will say that Crispy has exquisite taste. Every home needs a leopard bedspread and a Wheel of Fortune ceramic dog.
I really shouldn’t shame Crispy for living in a cave of mirrors. I should praise him! Whenever he feels that a not-wanted eyebrow hair has sprouted up, he can quickly pull his tweezers out of his pocket and turn to one of the five hundred mirrored walls in his house to get rid of it. All of those mirrors are the secret to his impeccable eyebrow situation.
And here’s a topless Crispy assuming the position in Miami yesterday:
Crack-glazed futebol star Cristiano Ronaldo recently vacationed in Morocco with his super-heavyweight boxer friend Badr Hari. Hari posted a pic of himself sweeping Crispy off his feet on Instagram and joked about how they had just gotten married.
Obviously they didn’t, but it’s a pic of two guys touching each other. We’re a bunch of horny hoes here, so we can assume they’re obviously 69-ing every chance they can get. And, despite Crispy always looking like he’s coated in bacon grease, I would watch this if it were a movie. Hopefully it would be the dirty kind.
Just married Hahahaha Always there to pick you up bro. توا غير تزوجت هههههه! سأكون دائما هناك لاحملك يا اخي! #BadrHari #CR7 #Ronaldo@Cristiano
Does anyone know Arabic? I want to know if the above translates into “Yes, I totally have a hard-on in this pic. You would, too. He might be the color of rancid Sunny D, but he’s mine.”
Check out pics of Ronaldo introducing his new CR7 line of shoes in Portugal in the gallery below.
I guess Crispy just had to Shayk it off. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to grab the gong. I’ll see myself out.
After five years together, the football-playing overcooked piece of bacon known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Russian bikini model Irina Shayk are no longer getting his and hers crotch waxes together and are no longer spending their Friday nights plucking out each other’s stray brow hairs. Every pair of tweezers in the world is shedding a tear, because the phrase, “A couple that plucks together, stays together,” is no longer true.
There’s been rumors that Crispy’s family hates Irina as much as he hates hair on his body. Apparently, Crispy’s mom Dolores can’t stand Irina and recently Irina learned that you don’t fuck with the mother of a Portuguese mama’s boy, because she will always win out. The Daily Mail says that Crispy dumped Irina for not going to his mom’s birthday party. Some source spit this out:
“Cristiano wanted to surprise his mum and as he spent Christmas with Irina in Dubai, he had planned to be with his mum on her birthday, but Irina didn’t want to go. They had such a big row that he ended up spending New Years Eve alone with his son. Irina mouthed off about Dolores and Ronaldo took sides with him mum. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because they had hadn’t been getting on well in the last few months.”
But Irina’s rep tells Page Six it’s not true. Sure, if you’re in Portugal, you can hear Dolores screaming with happiness, but Irina’s rep says she was never at war with his family.
“We can confirm Irina Shayk has ended her relationship to Cristiano Ronaldo. She has been close with his family throughout the course of their relationship. Any negative rumors with regards to Irina and the Ronaldo family are completely false, and have not been a factor in the cause of the spilt. Irina has no further comment at the time.”
I don’t know if Portuguese mothers are anything like Salvadoran mothers, but if they are, Irina didn’t stand a chance. If my abuelita didn’t like any of the pieces her children were married to or dating, she let it be known and nothing could change her mind. They could start shitting out caramel squares (her favorite) and produce a birth certificate that said they were the true child of God and she’d still hate their asses. But whatever, Crispy is now free to be with and marry his true love: the statue of him in his hometown. I’m sure he’s already wiping his fake tan tears on its bulge.
Pic: Vogue Spain
We all know that Portuguese football star Cristian Ronaldo has a special fascination with bulges…
So of course his statue is going to come complete with a massive bulge that’s perfect for a family of pigeons to perch on during a sunny day (or to gather under during a rainy day).
On Sunday, the deep fried piece of pure muscle known as Cristian Ronaldo celebrated himself in his hometown of Funchal on the island of Madeira, Portugal by erecting a giant 10-foot statue in his likeness. The statue is part of the museum that was opened by him and is dedicated to him. Nobody loves Crispy Ronaldo more than Crispy Ronaldo loves Crispy Ronaldo and I’m okay with that. Because if Crispy Ronaldo didn’t have a major, leaky boner for himself, we might not have this beautiful statue of him and his dick. I kind of feel bad for that statue, though. It’s standing over Crispy Ronaldo and it can’t physically kneel down to gently lay its bronze dick on his head. That’s a bitch.
But you know, maybe that’s not a dick on Crispy’s statue. Maybe that’s the bottle of vegetable oil he keeps in his shorts so he’ll always be able to maintain his greasy glow.
Whatever the case may be, I’d hit it. Crispy and his statue.
Pics: AP, Getty