Category: Cristiano Ronaldo

Open Post: Hosted By A Busted Up Crispy Ronaldo Checking To Make Sure He’s Still Beautiful

January 23, 2018 / Posted by:

The entire country of Portugal probably gasped until their lungs collapsed on Sunday when one of their most precious landmarks, Cristiano Ronaldo’s face, got kicked during a match.  I don’t know how you say “NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!” in Portuguese, but I do know that Crispy probably internally screamed it so hard that it’s a miracle his head didn’t explode.

During a match between Crispy’s team Real Madrid and Deportivo La Coruña, he dove to the ground and was kicked in his most prized possession by player Fabian Schär. Crispy was laid out on the grass as he his bloodied up mug was checked out by medical professionals, and I’m sure he asked them, “Does my gorgeous face look like my bust now?” Crispy was able to get up and went full Crispy by immediately using his doctor’s phone to see if his beauty was still intact. People on Twitter laughed at Crispy’s ass for checking his face on a phone, but they shouldn’t have. This is serious! To Crispy, getting hit in the face  by a beauty-hating cleat is probably the worst thing to ever happen to him.

The woman who accused him of rape and the tax people in Spain probably want to buy Fabian’s cleat a drink.

Crispy is going to be okay, but he have a purple eye when he was papped during training yesterday. For Crispy’s sake, let’s hope his eye fully recovers and doesn’t affect his second favorite thing to do after staring at his beauty in the mirror. I’m talking about bulge-gazing!

Pic: YouTube

Cristiano Ronaldo Is A Dad For The Fourth Time

November 13, 2017 / Posted by:

Hot on the heels of the birth of his surrogate-carried twins, Cristiano Ronaldo’s fourth child has been born. I’m sure Cristiano was thrilled to be where the action was on the day of his latest child’s birth. But you know just a tiny part of his soul withered and died when they asked him to cover up his Ken doll hair situation with that deeply unsexy paper shower cap.

32-year-old Cristiano announced on Twitter that his 22-year-old girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez gave birth to a baby girl they named Alana Martina Ronaldo. Cristiano tweeted that mama and baby are doing well, and they’re all very happy. Yeah, especially Georgina. Cristiano isn’t just football rich; he’s got hush money money. In the event Georgina and Cristiano ever break up, she’s set for life. When she deposits her first child support check, the ATM will start flashing and shout: “GOAAAALLLLL.

Baby Alana Martina joins Cristiano’s other kids, surrogate-carried 7-year-old son Cristiano Jr., and 5-month-old twins  Eva and Mateo. Now Cristiano is but seven players away from his own football team. If he keeps at it, he’s going to have a whole team, plus substitutes, referees, and several ball boys by 2021.

Pic: Twitter

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Twins Might Have Been Born

June 11, 2017 / Posted by:

Charbroiled fútbol star (and alleged possible rapist?) Cristiano Ronaldo might be the proud father of twins, according to reports out of Portugal (via The Sun – which is Cristiano’s favorite paper, for obvious reasons).

Despite earlier reports that he was having twin sons, it looks like he’s now the proud “papai” (I get all my Portuguese from Google Translate because I can’t afford Rosetta Stone) of a boy and a girl. Eva and Mateo reportedly said “Olá!” to the world for the first time on Thursday, according to Portuguese TV channel, SIC. Cristiano’s camp hasn’t confirmed the happy news, but “several Portuguese websites and newspapers” are running with it.

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Cristiano Ronaldo Reportedly Paid A $375,000 Settlement To Make A 2009 Rape Case Go Away 

April 27, 2017 / Posted by:

Earlier this month, the German news magazine Der Spiegel reported that an American woman, they called “Susan K,” had accused the football-playing piece of overcooked bacon and soon-to-be father of three, Cristiano Ronaldo, of raping her in the penthouse of the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas in 2009. The report claimed that Susan K was scared for her life at the time so she didn’t report it to the police. He reportedly paid her $375,000 in hush money. At the time that Der Spiegel’s report came out, his team basically called the story fake news and said that it was built on unsigned documents and that the alleged victim has never come forward publicly. They made it sound like they were thinking of suing Der Spiegel. But it doesn’t look like they have yet and Der Spiegel has done the opposite of backing down. They doubled down on their story today and published what they claim are signed settlement documents. They also claim they have text messages from Cristiano about the settlement negotiations. Like a giant cloud covering the sun during Crispy’s skin-baking time, Der Spiegel isn’t playing around with him.

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