I guess Crispy just had to Shayk it off. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to grab the gong. I’ll see myself out.
After five years together, the football-playing overcooked piece of bacon known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Russian bikini model Irina Shayk are no longer getting his and hers crotch waxes together and are no longer spending their Friday nights plucking out each other’s stray brow hairs. Every pair of tweezers in the world is shedding a tear, because the phrase, “A couple that plucks together, stays together,” is no longer true.
There’s been rumors that Crispy’s family hates Irina as much as he hates hair on his body. Apparently, Crispy’s mom Dolores can’t stand Irina and recently Irina learned that you don’t fuck with the mother of a Portuguese mama’s boy, because she will always win out. The Daily Mail says that Crispy dumped Irina for not going to his mom’s birthday party. Some source spit this out:
“Cristiano wanted to surprise his mum and as he spent Christmas with Irina in Dubai, he had planned to be with his mum on her birthday, but Irina didn’t want to go. They had such a big row that he ended up spending New Years Eve alone with his son. Irina mouthed off about Dolores and Ronaldo took sides with him mum. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because they had hadn’t been getting on well in the last few months.”
But Irina’s rep tells Page Six it’s not true. Sure, if you’re in Portugal, you can hear Dolores screaming with happiness, but Irina’s rep says she was never at war with his family.
“We can confirm Irina Shayk has ended her relationship to Cristiano Ronaldo. She has been close with his family throughout the course of their relationship. Any negative rumors with regards to Irina and the Ronaldo family are completely false, and have not been a factor in the cause of the spilt. Irina has no further comment at the time.”
I don’t know if Portuguese mothers are anything like Salvadoran mothers, but if they are, Irina didn’t stand a chance. If my abuelita didn’t like any of the pieces her children were married to or dating, she let it be known and nothing could change her mind. They could start shitting out caramel squares (her favorite) and produce a birth certificate that said they were the true child of God and she’d still hate their asses. But whatever, Crispy is now free to be with and marry his true love: the statue of him in his hometown. I’m sure he’s already wiping his fake tan tears on its bulge.
Pic: Vogue Spain
We all know that Portuguese football star Cristian Ronaldo has a special fascination with bulges…
So of course his statue is going to come complete with a massive bulge that’s perfect for a family of pigeons to perch on during a sunny day (or to gather under during a rainy day).
On Sunday, the deep fried piece of pure muscle known as Cristian Ronaldo celebrated himself in his hometown of Funchal on the island of Madeira, Portugal by erecting a giant 10-foot statue in his likeness. The statue is part of the museum that was opened by him and is dedicated to him. Nobody loves Crispy Ronaldo more than Crispy Ronaldo loves Crispy Ronaldo and I’m okay with that. Because if Crispy Ronaldo didn’t have a major, leaky boner for himself, we might not have this beautiful statue of him and his dick. I kind of feel bad for that statue, though. It’s standing over Crispy Ronaldo and it can’t physically kneel down to gently lay its bronze dick on his head. That’s a bitch.
But you know, maybe that’s not a dick on Crispy’s statue. Maybe that’s the bottle of vegetable oil he keeps in his shorts so he’ll always be able to maintain his greasy glow.
Whatever the case may be, I’d hit it. Crispy and his statue.
Pics: AP, Getty
Looking like a bronzed oil slick with abs, Cristiano Ronaldo maintained his spicy pork rind skin by taking in a whole lot of sun with a dude friend on a yacht in Miami today. It’s been way too long since I’ve written anything about Crispy and I miss getting a major craving for a microwaved Slim Jim dipped in chili oil whenever I look at his skin. Crispy’s skin is like fine Portuguese leather. Don’t you just want to stick your wallet, house keys, cell phone, condoms and your vaporizer one-hitter up his ass and carry him everywhere you go? And don’t you just want to rip your drivers side leather car seat out and replace it with Crispy Ronaldo? Cadillac should really offer that as an upgrade.
And I’ve always loved Crispy, because he’s single-handedly keeping Sun-In alive, dresses like an extra from the 80s video game Out Run and is always lubed up and ready to go. He’s like a humanized leather condom.
Some tricks fuck for fun, some tricks fuck for any item of their choosing on the $1 menu at McDonald’s (GUILTY) and some tricks fuck for published articles in The Mirror. Jasmine Lennard falls into the latter category. Jasmine, a reality whore turned Los Angeles fame fucker, spilled all the details to The Mirror about the time she rode the extra greasy bronzer stick known as Cristiano Ronaldo.
Jasmine writes that it all started when two of Crispy’s ho catchers approached her in a club in L.A. and asked her to go back to his hotel for “sexy times.” Crispy must save his signature “me you fuck fuck” line for special pieces. Anyways, Jasmine turned down Crispy’s invitation, but she gave her number to his friends to give to him.
Jasmine claims that for the next two days Crispy practically melted the screen on her phone with all his text messages, so eventually she made plans to pick him and bring him back to her place. I’ll let Jasmine take it from here. Although, it might be kind of possible to read due to the fact that your eyeballs won’t stop rolling. Hold them down:
I have an incredibly male approach to sex and this was a game for me. He was a toy and this was a show. I wasn’t interested in wooing him or winning his heart. In truth I wasn’t even attracted to him. His shorts were SHORT, his top was TIGHT and the pink colour of both was …just not for me. As soon as he encountered my German Shepherd dogs and started screaming and waving his crutches at them in total panic and fear I realised perhaps this wasn’t going to be Mr Right.
I prefer my men a little rougher round the edges. I don’t like to feel more man than the man I am in bed with. Things went from bad to worse fast. You might well be wondering, why did I do it then? The only explanation is that while I wasn’t attracted to him, I enjoyed the fact that he was so taken by me. Some sort of power trip, I suppose. Soon after entering the bedroom, I did indeed catch sight of the REAL Ronaldo. Now, while a lot of women appreciate a well-endowed man, this was just RIDICULOUS…intimidatingly so. “Oh for God’s sake”, I thought, “let’s get this over with”, although I wondered how long that would take. Not long was the answer…perhaps he was having an off day!
Can Jasmine please dissect the word “ridiculous” for us? How long is it? Is it more like a frozen burrito before going into the microwave or like a soggy churro? Does it have the complexion of a boiled Hickory Farms sausage? Does Crispy gloss up his peen lips too? Is his pubic landing strip as pristine plucked as his brows?
If you’re going to broadcast your ho shit on a news ticker, at least give us the details we really care about. Who gives a damn about Jasmine’s dumb German Shepherds! Actually, did Jasmine’s German Shepherds mistake Crispy’s dick for a shaved mole and try to it attack it?
I swear, Jasmine sucks at fuck-and-telling.
Here’s Crispy intimidating a soccer ball at a game in Pasadena, CA over the weekend.
If you ever ask Cristiano Ronaldo who the mother of his love child is, he’ll pull out his tube of MAC Lip Glass and seal the secret of her identity in his precious mouth forever. Crispy isn’t saying shit, but the Daily Mirror is! They claim that Crispy’s baby mama is a broke ass American waitress who got knocked up after a one-night fuck with him. Actually, she WAS a broke ass American waitress, because apparently Crispy gave her $15 million to give him their son before going away FOREVER.
Becoming a cocktail waitress who fucks celebrities has officially become the new American dream! Parents and school guidance counselors should adjust their lessons accordingly.
A friend of Crispy’s says that his son was conceived in Los Angeles last summer. The friend also gave the truly romantic details of the magical night Crispy spread his charm all over the future mother of his child. May the theme from the Thorn Birds fill your head as you read this:
“Ronni looked the girl in the eye and said extremely directly: ‘Me, you, f*** f***.’
“She was taken aback and just said: ‘What!’ She didn’t actually understand what he meant. She was totally nonplussed
“The window by his table was steamed up, so he drew a love heart on it with his finger. Then he said, ‘Me, you, kiss,’ and the penny dropped.
“That’s typical Ronni – he pretends his English is terrible when it suits him, and he comes straight to the point. It was just yet another one-night stand and Ronnie assumed he would never see her again.”
“Me, you, fuck fuck” is my new pick-up line. Crispy has the right idea. We need to all go back to the cave man days when shit was simple. When a bitch sees a hot piece they want to break off, they should just hobble up to that ho and grunt “ME, YOU, FUCK FUCK” before clubbing them over the head with a dildo to drag them up to their tree house. Caveman love is the truest!
A couple of months after Crispy seduced the trick as though they were starring in the porn version of Tarzan and Jane, she found out she was pregnant. The saga continues:
It was agreed that Ronaldo would give DNA for a paternity test once the baby was born and provide support for the mother and child if it proved to be his.The friend revealed: “Cristiano was told the result while he was away at the World Cup.”
And then Dolores stepped in. The friend said: “Ronni is a multi-millionaire playboy, but when it comes to family, he’s very much his mother’s son.
“They are a close-knit, traditional Roman Catholic family and the minute paternity was established there was absolutely no doubt that Ronni would be doing the right thing.
What in the hell kind of GD Roman Catholic is Dolores? Any self-respecting strict Roman Catholic mother would force the couple to marry in a church wedding! Then they would all hide the baby for the next 9 months while the American waitress pretended to be pregnant. After her fake birth, they’d present the 9-month-old baby as a newborn and explain that he’s bigger than normal due to a thyroid problem or something. How does Dolores not know this?! Doesn’t she watch telenovelas (aka daily mass)?! My abuelita is throwing her a “Ay Dios Mio” side-eye of judgment as I type this.
You’re going to have to throw away the brow tweezers you got engraved with the name “Ronaldo” on it, because apparently that’s not what Cristiano Ronaldo named his 1-month-old son. Cristiano’s sister tells The Daily Telegraph that Crispy has given his son the name Cristiano Jr. I guess Cristianojesty was already taken. Crispy’s sister said:
“The baby is doing very well. We are looking after him while Cristiano is away. He’s called Cristiano just like his dad. “Cristiano chose the name but we like it. He looks like his father and like me. He has the same eyes. We don’t know the mother, we never met her.”
It makes sense that Cristiano Jr. is named Cristiano Jr. I mean, Crispy Sr. has already hired Mimi’s airbrusher to paint 6-pack abs on Crispy Jr. so his son can have a situation just like him! Crispy Sr. has already ordered a custom-made spray tanning playpen so that his son have a perfect “5-month-old orange left in the back of the fridge” complexion just like him! And Crispy Sr. has already already bought a pacifier that squirts lip gloss so that his son can have precious shiny lips just like him. So of course he’s going to name his son after himself!
Here’s more of Crispy Sr. flaunting his ebony toe nails while on vacation in NYC with his girlfriend. Before you start going on about how Crispy Sr. should be at home in Portugal with his new baby, think for a minute. Crispy Jr. is obviously not ready yet.. Do you really expect Crispy Sr. to spend an extended amount of time with a pasty baby with non-plucked brows?!
Cristiano Ronaldo has kept his charbroiled lips shut since announcing on his Facebook that he is the proud single father of a newborn baby. Crispy crossed his spicy Slim Jim legs and refused to spit out anymore details. But the Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias (via Daily Mail) claims they have a few more facts on Crispy’s secret baby. Let’s see what they brought to class:
Rumor #1: Cristiano hired an American surrogate from San Diego to carry his orange baby
Rumor #2: The baby boy was born on June 17th while Crispy was competing at World Cup in South Africa. He traveled to San Diego on June 29th immediately after Portugal was eliminated from World Cup.
Rumor #3: Cristiano has named his son Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro. Ronaldo is Cristiano’s middle name.
Rumor #4(from a different source): Crispy didn’t use a surrogate. The baby was the result of a one-night fuck he had in America. He paid her off to stay quiet.
Okay, I know the whole “paid surrogate” thing is giving you visions of Cristiano and Ricky Martin pushing baby strollers together under a flock of unicorns prancing over a rainbow*, but can we focus on what really matters here…..like the baby name.
Up until a few minutes ago, I didn’t know Crispy’s last name isn’t Ronaldo. So I threw him a few “Is the grease clogging the pores on your scalp?” look thinking that he named his kid Ronaldo Ronaldo. That shit is an unfortunate stutter.
“Ronaldo Ronaldo” just doesn’t bump a hip into my soul the way “Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro” does. Let’s call him Baby Santo Dios for short.
* Truthery. I think I’m the only mammal on this planet who doesn’t think Cristiano Ronaldo is full gay (bi, maybe). Yes, I’ll turn my Gaydar into the Geek Squad for repair.
Okay, which one of you low down dirty hookers chewed a hole in the condom and lifted your pelvis up right before Cristiano Ronaldo jizzed?! Raise your hand, because whoever you are, you are one of my heroes.
The greasy extra thick chicken bone that is Cristiano Ronaldo announced on his Facebook and Twitter today that he is a father to a baby. A real-life baby who breathes oxygen and everything. Something in the milk ain’t clean about Crispy’s statement. Lift up your magnifying glass, Detective La Toya:
It is with great joy and emotion that I inform I have recently become father to a baby boy. As agreed with the baby’s mother, who prefers to have her identity kept confidential, my son will be under my exclusive guardianship. No further information will be provided on this subject and I request everyone to fully respect my right to privacy (and that of the child) at least on issues as personal as these are.
Is this a hoax? Is Balloon Boy’s daddy Crispy Ronaldo’s new Twittermaster?!
So the mother of Crispy’s kid just gave up custody without trying to snatch as many oil-covered bills as possible from him? What fun is that?! WAIT. Maybe this unnamed woman is really a surrogate, and Crispy plans to raise with the baby with Kaká (Yes, Kaká aka The Best Name Ever is going to leave his wife to marry Crispy in a tanning bed). Together they will train CrispyKaká Jr. in the art of brow plucking and suntanning just until your skin is about to boil over and fall off. Crispy will also give CrispyKaká Jr. the secret on how to keep your entire body as greasy as a power bottom’s ass after a butt orgy. Yes, this is how it’s going to play out.