Every four years people in North America ask themselves: “Why are so many foreigners flying their flags this week?” I’ll tell you, Dave: it’s the FIFA World Cup! The football (soccer) tournament brings out all the hot athletes who don’t throw things: including Cristiano Ronaldo, professional skin bronzer and soccer star extraordinaire.
This FIFA season apparently brought out the love in Cristiano, as The Mirror reports he decided to use this tournament to pop the question to his girlfriend and mother of his most recent child, Georgina Rodriguez. Love is in the air at the Russia World Cup! I mean, unless you’re gay.
The entire country of Portugal probably gasped until their lungs collapsed on Sunday when one of their most precious landmarks, Cristiano Ronaldo’s face, got kicked during a match. I don’t know how you say “NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!” in Portuguese, but I do know that Crispy probably internally screamed it so hard that it’s a miracle his head didn’t explode.
During a match between Crispy’s team Real Madrid and Deportivo La Coruña, he dove to the ground and was kicked in his most prized possession by player Fabian Schär. Crispy was laid out on the grass as he his bloodied up mug was checked out by medical professionals, and I’m sure he asked them, “Does my gorgeous face look like my bust now?” Crispy was able to get up and went full Crispy by immediately using his doctor’s phone to see if his beauty was still intact. People on Twitter laughed at Crispy’s ass for checking his face on a phone, but they shouldn’t have. This is serious! To Crispy, getting hit in the face by a beauty-hating cleat is probably the worst thing to ever happen to him.
Crispy is going to be okay, but he have a purple eye when he was papped during training yesterday. For Crispy’s sake, let’s hope his eye fully recovers and doesn’t affect his second favorite thing to do after staring at his beauty in the mirror. I’m talking about bulge-gazing!
Hot on the heels of the birth of his surrogate-carried twins, Cristiano Ronaldo’s fourth child has been born. I’m sure Cristiano was thrilled to be where the action was on the day of his latest child’s birth. But you know just a tiny part of his soul withered and died when they asked him to cover up his Ken doll hair situation with that deeply unsexy paper shower cap.
32-year-old Cristiano announced on Twitter that his 22-year-old girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez gave birth to a baby girl they named Alana Martina Ronaldo. Cristiano tweeted that mama and baby are doing well, and they’re all very happy. Yeah, especially Georgina. Cristiano isn’t just football rich; he’s got hush money money. In the event Georgina and Cristiano ever break up, she’s set for life. When she deposits her first child support check, the ATM will start flashing and shout: “GOAAAALLLLL.”
Baby Alana Martina joins Cristiano’s other kids, surrogate-carried 7-year-old son Cristiano Jr., and 5-month-old twins Eva and Mateo. Now Cristiano is but seven players away from his own football team. If he keeps at it, he’s going to have a whole team, plus substitutes, referees, and several ball boys by 2021.
Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo is going to be father again, with the announcement that his girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez is pregnant. This comes just two months after Cristiano welcomed twins Eva Maria and Mateo (who were born via surrogate).
Cristiano Ronaldo’s longtime football rival is Lionel Messi, and last year, Messy Messi was found guilty of tax fraud and sentenced to 21 months in the clink (he’s not going to jail and will serve probation instead). Well, here comes Crispy to show Messy Messi that he can do the tax evading thing better.
Charbroiled fútbol star (and alleged possible rapist?) Cristiano Ronaldo might be the proud father of twins, according to reports out of Portugal (via The Sun – which is Cristiano’s favorite paper, for obvious reasons).
Despite earlier reports that he was having twin sons, it looks like he’s now the proud “papai” (I get all my Portuguese from Google Translate because I can’t afford Rosetta Stone) of a boy and a girl. Eva and Mateo reportedly said “Olá!” to the world for the first time on Thursday, according to Portuguese TV channel, SIC. Cristiano’s camp hasn’t confirmed the happy news, but “several Portuguese websites and newspapers” are running with it.