Get out of the pre-motorboating position, I wasn’t talking about that kind of glorious bronze bust.
If Eric Trump got a Hitler youth haircut, had his face lipo’d by a de-licensed back alley plastic surgeon, huffed so much helium that his eyes went all Parasite Hilton and got sprayed down by the same fake tan diarrhea that his dad gets sprayed down with, he would look like this bust of Cristiano Ronaldo.
It really is the era of multiples! (I’m talking about babies and sadly not talking about the return of Sandra Garratt’s Multiples clothing line.) Pharrell Williams’ wife had triplets, Madonna adopted twins, Beyonce and Amal Clooney are both having twins, and now The Sun is saying that a leased baby oven is carrying Cristiano Ronaldo’s twin boys. Congratulations to the makers of the ab roller for newborns, tanning oil for babies and brow waxing kits for kids, because they are about to get two more loyal clients.
During a football match on Sunday, chiseled bronzer stick Crispy Ronaldo, who plays for Real Madrid, got into a fight with Koke, who plays for Atlético Madrid, and the two ended up kissing foreheads. I’ve had dreams that started out just like that. But before we go any further, I just want to say that Koke’s real name is Jorge Resurrección Merodio. For why would you go by the name Koke when you can go by the name Resurrección? That’s almost as hot of a name as Concepción. I mean, Koke is how the Kardashians spell “coke.”
Here’s a video of the little fight and if you can’t scream, “TOUCH TONGUES!”, because you’re at work, don’t worry, I already did it for you.
Spanish radio station Cadena Cope (via The Daily Mail) claims that the fight didn’t end there. The fight made a sharp turn into GayPornVille when Crispy and Koke allegedly continued to rage on each other in the locker room after Crispy’s team won 3-0. Cadena Cope say they heard Koke and Crispy have this tiny battle of words:
Crispy: A faggot with a lot of money, you bastard!
Arcópoli, an LGBTQ rights group in Spain, wants the football league to investigate this mess.
Does that mean that Crispy came out? Probably not, but I do know that’s an A+ response. Although, it would’ve been an A+++ response if Crispy shot back with, “A faggot with a lot of money and eyebrows plucked for the gods, you bastard!”
Pics: YouTube, Wenn.com
Living Slim Jim Cristiano Ronaldo is vacationing his ass in Miami and the sun is drawing UV Rays from HIM because that dude is TANNED. I’m not sure what that means because science is hard but he is BRONZED for the gods. He’s a sexy walking copper mine! Metallurgy is hard, too. Crispy hasn’t quite rolled his chariot into the George Hamilton/Tan Mom arena just yet but age might mess with his look down the road. He should watch out. Hot body with a tan works, burnt sienna wrinkles do not. Looking like one of Magda’s tits is still a scary look 18 years later. Ugh, I’m so old.
Please note that Cristiano is also trying to bring back Vamp. Good luck, Crispy!
Check out more snaps of a shirtless Cristiano Ronaldo in Miami in the gallery below.
The Portuguese news channel CMTV has long been the Alexis Carrington Colby to Cristiano Ronaldo’s Krystle Carrington. Crispy has boycotted them and even tried to sue them for airing stories about him and his family that he didn’t appreciate. CMTV and Crispy’s feud hit the water today, and unfortunately by that, I don’t mean that they got into a hot wrestling match in a lily pond ala Alexis and Krystle.
EURO 2016 (which I guess is like the Tonys of the football world?) is going down in France right now and Crispy’s team, Portugal, played Hungary today. Before the game, a reporter from CMTV strolled up to Crispy and asked him if he was prepared. Crispy basically said, “Bitch, fuck you, go ask the fishes,” with one simple move. Crispy grabbed the mic and tossed it into the lake. Justin Bieber needs to pull up a chair in the front row and study this video carefully. This is how you throw a hissy fit:
The way he chucked that thing. You’d think that the reporter handed him a bottle of sunscreen. I don’t know what I love more: The thought of Crispy’s overcooked b-hole getting steamy as he wrestled that mic out of the reporter’s hand or the sound of that mic flying through the air. But really, it’s all fun and mic-throwing until we find out that the mic landed on and killed an endangered frog and Crispy gets imprisoned for it. I don’t know what color French prison uniforms are, but if they’re orange, Crispy is going to look perfect in them.
And here’s the mic tosser playing in today’s game:
Crispy Ronaldo should’ve really added 93 octane fuel to the gay rumors by opening up his house tour video with: “Well, hello, and welcome to my home.”
Believe it or not, Crispy Ronaldo doesn’t live in a giant tanning booth where the lamps on his ceiling keep his skin as crispy as a roasted chicken at all times. Crispy lives in a cokehead’s dreamland. The waxed and fried football-playing wonder showed off his house in Madrid for the sports website Unscriptd and it looks like the lair of a super villain in a Euro soap opera. It’s pretty much a shrine to Crispy since everywhere he turns he can get a clear glimpse of his gorgeous face. I will say that Crispy has exquisite taste. Every home needs a leopard bedspread and a Wheel of Fortune ceramic dog.
I really shouldn’t shame Crispy for living in a cave of mirrors. I should praise him! Whenever he feels that a not-wanted eyebrow hair has sprouted up, he can quickly pull his tweezers out of his pocket and turn to one of the five hundred mirrored walls in his house to get rid of it. All of those mirrors are the secret to his impeccable eyebrow situation.
And here’s a topless Crispy assuming the position in Miami yesterday: