Category: Crazy Baby Lady

OctoMom Does Not Hate Her Babies

July 4, 2011 / Posted by:

InTouch Weekly must’ve mistakenly interviewed a full-time Pete Burns impersonator who sometimes hires himself out as an OctoMom look-alike to parents of brat children who need to be scared with the threat of being wished into her dilapidated bunny uterus if they don’t act right, because the real OctoMom says that interview where she supposedly said that she hates all 14 of her asshole children is as fake as the baboon ass lips on her face.

In this week’s edition of InTouch, the ears of Child Protective Services started to burn when Octo allegedly called her kids “animals” and said that she regularly locks herself in the bathroom for hours to keep from offing herself. But Octo tells TMZ the interview never happened.

“I hardly have 30 seconds to go to the restroom, I could never lock my self in the bathroom for hours. I Love ALL my children, I do not regret them and it’s ridiculous that I have to continue to defend myself against these disgusting fabricated lies.”

It could be that Octo is the Sybil of famewhores and one of her 14 personalities said that mess, but I actually believe InTouch made it all up. Octo puts the CRAZY in crazy, but I doubt she hates her kids. That’s like White Oprah hating Lindsay Lohan, or Jennifer Aniston hating hair, or Amber Rose hating (NSFW) her own hairless cat, or RPattz hating on the likes of Nutty Madam. How can you hate on something that puts coins in your pocketbook and another minute on your relevancy clock?!

OctoMom Hates Her Babies

June 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Some say that OctoMom made her bed of BABIES!!! so she should lie on ’em. But after reading a supposed interview she gave to InTouch Weekly (via Daily Mail), I say that Child Protective Services needs to lay a rescue net over her BABIES!!! and drag them to a safe house far far away from OctoMom’s crazy ass.

If I had 14 kids pounding my nerves into dust with their high-pitched screeches, I’d definitely make a noose out of dirty Pampers and pray that the underworld is for 18+ only and has a strict carding policy, but this is why I haven’t push 14 fucking babies out of my anus (you know, because I can)!!!!

Here’s the words that have earned OctoMom the Most Promising Future Award from the Susan Smith Foundation:

“I hate the babies, they disgust me. My older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them. The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet. Some days I have thought about killing myself. I cannot cope.

Obviously I love them – but I absolutely wish I had not had them.”

There are only 4 reasons I could come up with for why OctoMom’s mouth would give birth to shit words like this:

1. This quote is a flute, CPS is a slithering snake and she’s trying to summon them out of a basket so they can snatch up her child army and this fuckery for her!
2. Octo knows that sex sells, but since her womb has crawled up to her vagina entrance and blocked it with all its might, she she has no sex to sell. So she has to sell foolery instead!
3. BITCH IS CRAZY.
4. InTouch’s creative writing department is really going for the gold.

Choosing any one of those answers will earn you an A+ since they are all completely plausible. But if bitch thinks shit is hard now, just wait until all 200 of her BABIES!!!! turn into TEENAGERS!!!!!!!! Now that is some real Suicide Watch shit!

The worst part about raising a dysfunctional and damaged child is that there’s a good chance they will give birth to another dysfunctional and damaged child when they turn 13. A dysfunctional and damaged grandchild that you will have to take care of because your dysfunctional and damaged child is too busy shooting heroin into their taint and whoring under the bridge with any trick that winks at them. Take a breath, Octo, because it could be a long ride.

Here’s Octo earning a check last night by participating in some celebrity boxing match in Philadelphia.

OctoMom Will Have To Find A New Crooked Doctor To Stuff Her With Embryos

June 2, 2011 / Posted by:

Paul Stanley’s got some serious guns, right?

Wannabe OctoMoms in California who want to bedazzle their uterus with dozens of fertilized embryos have less than a week to do it. Because on July 1st, OctoMom’s fertility doctor, Michael Kamrava (Reason #465 for why all Michael Ks are shifty sluts who are allergic to morals), will lose his right to practice medicine. The California Medical Board ruled that Dr. Kamrava “committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence” in three cases including OctoMom’s. One 42-year-old patient was diagnosed with ovarian cancer after IVF treatments and another 48-year-old patient had severe complications after she got knocked up with quadruplets.

People reports that California Medical Board declared that Dr. Kamrava should’ve immediately referred OctoMom to the nearest crazy house instead of overcrowding her womb. And because he didn’t do that, OctoMom’s psychotic gene tripled in size every time a baby was pulled out of her body. Dr. Kamrastein is guilty of creating a baby-hoarding monster.

Like a little thing calling “losing his medical license” is going to keep Dr. Kamrava from getting his embryo stuffing kicks. This sick ass bitch has probably already set up an underground fertility clinic in the studio apartment of a dilapidated complex located on a deserted block in the San Fernando Valley. He’s got the turkey basters and mini fridge ready to go! Now he just has to post a Craigslist ad asking for willing participants for his human pregnant centipede experiment. Why did I go there? Excuse me while I wrap a straitjacket around my imagination.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

OctoMom Turns Down A Check

January 25, 2011 / Posted by:

Steve Hirsch of the porn company Vivid Entertainment has long been trying to get OctoMom on his payroll. When the word foreclosure started winking at Octo’s house in La Habra, CA, Steve offered her $1 million if she wrapped her water noodle lips around a peen on camera. Octo clutched her crucifix and cried out that she could never ever go against her morals by doing porn. Steve then offered Octo a behind-the-fuck-scenes job with a salary and benefits. Octo once again made eyes roll when she declared that will never accept cum-stained money from a pussy and peen peddler. Steve must have a thing for crazy bitches and down-trodden wombs, because he then sent Octo a no strings attached (so he says) check for her mortgage payment. Proving that “common sense” is her worst enemy, Octo never cashed the check and she sent it back. Each one of Octo’s octuplets is spitting out a saliva letter this morning and the final message to their mom reads: D-U-M-B-F-U-C-K.

Octo tells Radar that no matter how bad things get, she won’t ever turn to porn for help: “Vivid Video sent me a check for the mortgage, and I sent it back. I don’t take money from porn pushers, and I never will. So far I have turned down more than a million dollars from Vivid Video even though I almost lost my home and I believe that makes a clear statement of how I feel towards that type of industry.”

Speaking of “that type of industry,” Octo also regrets making the half-assed fetish video you talked about in detail with your therapist last week. Octo said, “I was horrified at the end result, and it was not presented as they had promised.” THIS BITCH! When they pulled 8 babies out of her body, did they also pull out all her brain cells? She was stuffed into a black corset with her titties out and she whipped a grown man in a diaper. Did she think it was going to be a segment on Sesame Street? There are some perverted hos who push out an orgasm when they spot a wool scarf, so of course there’s going to be bitches fapping to Octo’s dumb fetish video. I swear. Bitch needs to get over herself. And somebody needs to make her babies the executors of her life, because it would make things a lot easier.

Octo’s babies would never send back a check when they are thisclose to holding a “Will Coo 4 Leche” sign in front of an Albertsons. Who sends back a check, anyway? As soon as a check comes in the mail, I deposit that bitch like it’s a peen and the ATM is my no-no. I don’t care if depositing it signs me up for a credit card or if the check has “non-negotiable” stamped on top of it, I”ll deal with that later. All I care about is seeing my balance creep up….even if it is for a hot second.

Good Morning, Here’s The OctoMom Baby-Whipping Video You’ve Been Waiting For!

January 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Not only will this video serve as an answer to the octuplets’ question: “Why does our ball pit smell like rotten chili con queso, anus tears and desperation?” But it will also be used in high school sex education classes to warn students that if they get knocked up without the means to support their child, this is the low-budget shit they might have to do to put diapers on asses.

My problem with this wreck from TMZ isn’t that OctoMom is starring in a fetish video with radio personality Tattoo. It’s that she’s starring in a poorly produced one! Did the octuplets sit on each other’s shoulders and record this wreck with the VHS camcorder my mom refuses to throw out (“It’s an antique!” – my mom)? Is this the real sequel to Paranormal Activity? Not only that, but OctoMom whips a trick like my 8-year-old self trying to throw a ball without crossing the line during the worst dodgeball game ever. I can almost hear a wimpy “uh” come out of her mouth as she dreadfully tries to crack that whip. Awful.

Put some real feeling into that shit, OctoMom! Picture Tattoo as your life choices and whip the fuckery right out of him. I swear, if we had to pick dominatrix teams, OctoMom’s ass would be the last one chosen.

And if this clip isn’t just a small piece of a longer one, how is Octo making money from this? Did TMZ pay for it? Is this viral marketing for Pampers? Octo is already embarrassing her kids with her whack ass whipping skills, so I hope she’s not bringing more shame upon them by not collecting a check for this mess.

Scenes From OctoMom’s La Habra Pony Show

January 19, 2011 / Posted by:

That story you read about OctoMom whipping a dude in a diaper for money wasn’t a nightmare your imagination pushed out while you were passed out from drinking too many Pedialyte and vodkas. It is a true story and now TMZ has posted a gallery of stills from the fetish video shot in her children’s playroom. You may be cursing George Eastman’s name for indirectly helping to bring this gross mess to your eyeballs, but look on the bright side. If you’re ever feeling embarrassed about the nasty, twisted, kinky sex shit you get off on, you can tell yourself that it could be worse. You could be the one perv who is licking their fingers and tapping their genitals to OctoMom whipping a jumbo-sized Chuy Bravo riding on her kids’ toy pony.

But you know, I can’t judge Octo. Sometimes when IVF hands you 14 children, you have to put on a black corset and whip a grown man in a diaper to feed them.

Oh, and one more thing….is that a TONY DANZA TATTOO on baby dude’s body? Okay, I think we just found the one perv who is licking their fingers to this. Mona Robinson’s office door is closed for a reason!

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