There’s nothing us heathens in the U.S. love more than drooling into a snack and watching excessively wealthy people flaunt what we’ll never have: cold hard cash. That’s why Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on its millionth season and why Sex & The City somehow made two movies after the show ended. Crazy Rich Asians roared into movie theaters last weekend and and is now #1 at the box office. Naturally, that means a Crazy Rich sequel is in the works.
Up until yesterday if you went to the definition of “vengeance” on Merriam-Webster.com, you’d find this looking at you:
: punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense : retribution
If you went there today, you’d find this:
A movie with an all-Asian cast easily beating a shit movie starring a dried-up butt plug dingle who once half-blinded an Asian man in a violent racist attack.
Because Crazy Rich Asians is the current reigning head bitch of the domestic box office after bringing in a little over $25 million this weekend. It’s brought in a total of around $34 million since opening last Wednesday. CRA had a production cost of $30 million. It’s the first all-Asian major Hollywood movie to come out since the Joy Luck Club twenty five damn years ago. The sweetened cherry is that CRA whooped the cold shit out of Marky Mark’s Mile 22, which stank up the box office with the smell of turd by making only $13.6 million. Marky Mark pouting and getting mad in the face over a bunch of Asians checking him at the box office is my idea of beautiful visual poetry. Although, Mile 22 also stars Indonesian action star Iko Uwais, so Marky is probably thinking, “See, I try to make g’ud with yooze people by putting one of you yooze in my movie and this is what happens!”
But are you surprised? The word “rich” is right there in the title!
Constance Wu showed up to the Crazy Rich Asians premiere in L.A. in a Ralph & Russo gown that looks like the sort of fancy throw pillow I would be warned ten times not to touch while visiting a fancy relative’s house. Although that’s not to say Constance is too bougie for the rest of us; those sequins are giving fancy silver SpaghettiOs realness. And what says “of the people” more than 99-cent canned pasta? Even if they do sort of look like the canned pasta rich people might eat when Jeeves leaves on vacation and they’re forced to use the can opener.
Just try to ignore that tragic poster, which looks like a no-budget travel ad done by an intern on MS Paint using the cheapest clip art they could find (see: that random peacock and Liberace’s anal beads aka those rhinestone disco balls).
When I was laid up in my bed with a jacked-up retina for weeks, my ears swallowed up many audio books including the entire Crazy Rich Asians series. I swallowed those books up like they were an 8″ peen, because as someone who thinks Jackie Collins is the greatest thing to happen to words, the Crazy Rich Asians series has everything I want: opulence, intrigue, glamour, bitchery, and a plot easy enough for my simple brain to follow. So I’ve been waiting and waiting for a trailer for the film version, which is Hollywood’s first all-Asian cast movie since The Joy Luck Club. A teaser trailer was released a few days ago, and it got me nervous, thinking that those cheap bitches in Hollywood turned it into On-A-Budget Asians by making it look like a Lifetime movie. But the full trailer is out and it is ˈä-pyə-lənt. Well, most of it is anyway.