Category: CPS Is On Line One

Ed Hartwell Says He Isn’t Plotting Against Keshia Knight Pulliam’s Unborn Baby

August 18, 2016 / Posted by:

On Saturday, Keshia Knight Pulliam reminded everyone that the situation with her soon-to-be ex-husband/father of her unborn baby Ed Hartwell was still 100% awful by alleging in divorce documents that he has been “plotting to harm” her and their baby. Rudy Huxtable didn’t get into the specifics of Ed’s alleged plot; only that he was trying to “obstruct her pregnancy” and was planning to use “underhanded and unusual conduct” to trigger a miscarriage. She also mentioned that Ed has access to guns. Ed is now telling his side and says that everyone can stop sending Rudy blueprints for an in-womb panic room. Ed says he’s not plotting against their unborn baby.

Doug Hutchison And Courtney Stodden Are Going To Be Parents

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.

Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:

“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”

This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.

The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.

Pic: Wenn.com

The 17-Year-Old Who Got Janet Jackson’d By Madonna Isn’t Mad At Her

March 18, 2016 / Posted by:

When we last left the High Priestess of the Illuminati, she was screaming “SEXISM!”, over the media blaming her sad, messy clown and horny, desperate drunk memaw acts on booze. Well, now Madonna is getting balls of flaming shit thrown at her for exposing a 17-year-old nipple to thousands of people and telling the girl, “You can do the same to me…. Do you want to make my hole big again?” while pointing to her crotch. “Um, hey, I was just calling to see if you needed an extra back-up singer for your tour” is probably what R. Kelly said while leaving a message on Madge’s voicemail today.

Tila Tequila’s Baby Father Wants Custody Of Their Kid

February 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Between wishing death upon her Twitter followers and declaring that she’s going to start a race war, self-proclaimed grandmaster troll of all trolls Tila Teqila somehow finds the time to raise an actual living and breathing human. You know, the living and breathing human she did up as Hitler. You’d think that Child Protective Services would always have an eye on Tila’s baby since they’d have a pop-up office set up in front of her house. But they don’t and the dude who made the decision to bust a raw load of baby batter up into Tila Tequila says that he’s worried about their child and wants custody.

Josh And Anna Duggar May Have Made A Baby In Sex Rehab

January 13, 2016 / Posted by:

This mess of a story is coming from Life & Style (via Radar), so it should be taken with an entire Morton Salt factory, but then again, this is the Duggars we’re talking about and we all know that when all else fails, they shoot out another baby.

According to sources, Josh Duggar and his wife Anna Duggar bareback boned their way to a baby while he’s in a Christian rehab facility for his supposed addiction to boning. Anybody with a working brain is probably wondering what kind of rehab facility lets you get into the addiction you’re being treated for? Well, maybe the counselors let Josh and Anna hump on each other for the benefit of the other fuck addicts in there. I mean, hearing Josh Duggar’s fuck moans would shrivel up anybody’s genitals and keep them off of ass forever.

The source says that Anna and Josh’s Christian rehab fuck party led to her getting knocked up with their 5th child. Anna is supposedly telling everyone that the Band-Aid baby in her womb is God’s way of telling her that she should stay with the child-touching rotten gourd.

“Anna announced that she thinks she is pregnant again. She believes the baby is a sign that God has forgiven Josh for his many sins, and she’s vowed to stand by her husband.”

Um, I have a feeling that if God was going to send Anna Duggar a sign, that sign would look like this:

runbitchrunsignannaduggar

I’m sure that if it’s true, that child will feel so special when they learn that their brainwashed mother and their dried smegma ball of a father made them in the rehab facility where their dad was banished to after he had rough sex with porn stars. And I won’t believe this until I get a sign from the fame whore Gods and what I mean by that is I won’t believe it until I see a commercial for TLC’s new show 1 Band-Aid Baby And Counting starring Anna Duggar.

Pics: Instagram, Flickr

Sorry, Pimp Mama Kris, But Farrah Abraham Just Won Mother Of 2016!

January 12, 2016 / Posted by:

If for some reason someone asks what me Twitter is for, I’m going to show them the fight between Backdoor Farrah and Nicki Minaj. Because that’s what Twitter is for. It’s a place for messy tricks to fight for favorites, or likes, or hearts, or whatever the hell we’re calling it now.

It all started when Nicki called Farrah a “cunt” while watching Teen Mom. Backdoor Farrah jumped in and they tweet slapped at each other for a little bit before Nicki tapped out. Backdoor Farrah continued to fight by herself, and yesterday she solidified herself as a serious contender for Parent of the Decade when she got her 6-year-old daughter Sophia Abraham to trash talk Nicki on Twitter.

For those of you who don’t have kids, you should be warned that this clip may speed up your biological clock, because there’s some really heartwarming about watching a little girl say the words her piece of trash mom made her say on the Twitter account her piece of trash mom set up for attention. I feel like I missed out a little as a child, because my mom never used me to fight her stupid battles for her. I’ll bring that up with her the next time I get drunk and decide to share my ~feelings~. 

Yeah, Backdoor Farrah made her 6-year-old call someone a loser on Twitter. Little Sophia should’ve gotten the Donald Trump campaign to sponsor that tweet, because her future therapy bills are already adding up and she’s going to need the money. Speaking of Trump, Farrah making her child call someone a loser tells me that she should be his running mate. Trump/Abraham 2016!

Pic: Instagram

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