It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.
The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.
Two strange things have happened: 1. Terry Richardson jizzed up into someone’s body instead of all over their face while taking their picture. 2. The ovary of that someone he jizzed up into didn’t immediately pull down its security gate and slap a “WE HAVED MOVED! NO FORWARDING ADDRESS!” sign on it as soon as it saw Uncle Terry’s nasty sperm fishes swimming toward it. I thought all women were born with that protective gene. I guess not. Because Page Six says that soon, the humanized skid mark on a pair of crunchy American Apparel chonies is going to be a father to an actual human being. SANTO DIOS!
That “help me” side-eye says everything that needs to be said and the post should probably end here.
Chris Brown’s custody/money fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Royalty, has come to an end and he got everything he wanted and she got everything she didn’t want. TMZ says that Nia Guzman was fighting for sole custody. She wanted Chris to only get supervised visits and she also wanted $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in Houston popped that dream bubble hovering above Nia’s head.
This morning, the judge declared that Chris and Nia will share 50/50 custody of Royalty, which means the child will be shuffled back and forth between her daddy’s house and her mommy’s house every 4 days. Chris and Nia both live in L.A. right now. And Nia can go ahead and stop negotiating the lease on a brand new Bentley and she can stop shopping for an upgraded condo, because she’s not getting that $15,000 a month. The judge ordered that Chris Brown has to pay her the same amount he’s currently paying her: $2,500 a month.
Well, since Royalty will be living with Chris Brown half of the time, his gang member friends can teach her some gang signs which she can show her little classmates during kindergarten show-and-tell in a few years. So there’s that.
But really, since it’s Friday and there’s a fully stocked bong calling my name, I’m going to try to think positively. Chris Brown has proven time and time again that he’s an oozing foreskin pimple that shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi, but maybe being a full-time father will soften his violent asshole ways. Miracles do happen! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twins. It looked like their future was seriously bleak for a while, but I haven’t really heard anything about them lately, so maybe their parents finally got their shit together? (Cut to Charlie and Brooke’s twins living a happy, healthy life in the mountains with their new family, the wolves, while their parents haven’t even realized that they’re gone.)
The Duggars don’t have a reality shit show anymore, but those creepy wrecks have a reason to celebrate. They have added another baby girl to their army who will grow up to live a fulfilling life and by that I mean she’ll grow up to take care of the next batch of babies her fetus machine mom will pop out.
People says that admitted child toucher and owner of one of the most punchable faces in America, Josh Duggar, and his wife Anna Duggar are parents for the fourth time. 27-year-old Josh and 27-year-old have a 5-year-old daughter named Mackynzie, a 4-year-old son named Michael and a 2-year-old son named Marcus. I guess that Josh and Anna ignored the restraining order I threw at them on behalf of the letter M, because they are continuing to terrorize the letter M the same way Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar terrorized the letter J. They have named their newest daughter Meredith Grace Duggar. They should’ve named the poor child MyGodWhy Duggar since that’s probably what she thought after finding out that she’s related to those messes.
Josh also tweeted this picture of poor Meredith:
— Josh Duggar (@joshduggar) July 19, 2015
That’s a “Why the hell me?” side-eye that only a baby girl whose father is Josh Duggar could throw.
InTouch Weekly is letting the Duggars know that they got their number, hussy, and they can’t stop, won’t stop digging through Michelle Duggar’s White Rain-covered hair of secrets. The Duggars want everyone to think that all the investigations against them closed centuries ago and everything is just Chili Frito Pie and pickles now. But InTouch is on them and they say that on May 27th, just a few days after Josh Duggar admitted that he molested his sisters when he was a teenager, Washington County DHS showed up at the Duggar home and asked to speak to one of the five hundred children. The Duggars refused and so DHS called 911 on their asses.
When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.
Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!
Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.
What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….
TMZ says that recent father (and yes, typing that without also adding “and future deadbeat dad” took every ounce of my willpower) Chris Brown is trying to convince the mother of his 9-month-old daughter Royalty to move from her home in Houston, TX to Los Angeles so he can be closer to his kid. Chris’ original fatherhood plan was to fly back and forth between L.A. and Houston, but now he’s interested in seeing her every day. Sources say he recently offered to move his baby and baby mama Nia Guzman from Texas into a house in the Hollywood Hills at his expense.
They also say he’s trying to renegotiate that messy child support arrangement they have. Ever since Chris found out he was the DNA daddy of their baby, he began dumping a ton of cash into her checking account. Then he caught wind that she might be blabbing about him to the press, so he threatened to go to court. Now he’s apparently considering going back to their original arrangement of leaving the lawyers out of it if she moves closer to him. TMZ says Nia Guzman hasn’t decided if she and Royalty will move closer to the source of their royalty checks.
I had to hold my nose for the majority of this story, because something stinks. What’s with Chris Brown’s interest in being Danny fucking Tanner all of a sudden? Or maybe I’m just being a cynical bitch and he’s actually trying to do right for once.
I guess the only way we’ll know whether or not he’s serious about being a daddy is if he starts hanging out with Justin Bieber again. Putting in some practice hours with that grown-up toddler shows real commitment.
According to TMZ, shit between talking bareback nut-busting cold sore Chris Brown and his surprise baby mama Nia Guzman isn’t as good as it seems. Apparently Chris found out about his 9-month-old daughter Royalty last month and quickly offered Nia more money than she would have received in child support court in exchange for the promise that she keep her mouth shut about the whole situation. Basically, Chris Brown didn’t want anyone to find out he was a father. “Trust me, I didn’t want anyone to find out Chris Brown was my father either” thought Baby Royalty.
Unfortunately, someone with loose lips started blabbing to the press, and now we all know about it. Chris believes the culprit leaking stories is Nia herself, and he’s pissed. A source (Hi Nia!) says Chris has met with his lawyers to discuss going to a judge and asking for a child support order, which is bad news for Nia, because a child support order means she’ll get significantly less than what he’s paying her now.
To make matters messier, TMZ says Nia’s ex-husband Terry Avery has decided to get involved. Terry, who was married to Nia from 2003 to 2014 and was separated from her when she got knocked-up with Chris Brown’s rage sperm, says he’s aware that Chris Brown has a temper and that if he pulls any shit with Nia or Royalty, or “there will be repercussions”.
Then Royalty came forward and asked if someone would be so kind as to buy her a one-way plane ticket to Canada, so she could get away from this mess and make sure it didn’t follow her.
So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?
TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.
Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.”
Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.