Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:
“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”
Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.
I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!
That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.
The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.
Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.
If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?
Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen? That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.
And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.
Brandi Glanville pulled a Brandi Glanville on her podcast last week when she called her 7-year-old son Jake an “asshole” and a “dick” who needs to go fuck himself sometimes. Well, some kids are assholes and Jake’s got two gaping assholes for parents, so I cannot find the lie in Brandi’s little declaration of love for her son.
During a talk with her guest Jake Lacy on her podcast “Brandi AnaGlandVille Unfiltered” last week, Brandi said that her 7-year-old’s name is also Jake and she’s learned that most Jakes are assholes and her son is no exception. Brandi then went on to shit at the mouth about her 7-year-old son by saying that Jake has gone to second base with a bunch of chicks and she’s pre-purchasing his future stay in rehab now. Jake also tries to screw with Brandi by singing that Ariana Grande Latte song “Problem” to her and she responds by telling him to go fuck himself. Just a regular, old, beautiful mother and son relationship. via Radar:
“My son’s name is Jake: He’s 7, he’s a complete asshole, but we love him. Oh man, he’s a d*ck, seriously,’ Glanville, 41, told Lacy. Glanville said that the boy unabashedly defies her, such as in cases when he shamelessly neglects to do something she asked of him. She said when she tells him, “I told you to do this,” he responds, “Well, I lied!
Illustrating the mother-son dynamic between herself and Jake, she said that the boy sings to her lines from the Ariana Grande song “Problem” — specifically, the line, “I’ve Got One Less Problem Without You,” to her chagrin.
“I’m like, ‘Go fuck yourself!’” she said, laughing, calling him a “fucker” in passing.
I listened to that part of Brandi’s podcast on Friday and it didn’t make me reach for the phone to call CPS on this messy bitch. This ranks pretty low on the list of offensive things that have come out of her trash hole. I mean, this is the mouth that gave us, “I wish I was molested as a child.” If a parent got thrown into prison for calling their kid an a-hole, the outside world would be an empty hellscape full of single hos and unsupervised babies. But Dr. Sue Cornbluth, a parenting expert who specializes in childhood trauma, isn’t laughing and tells Radar that Brandi is a shit stain of a mother for dragging her son like that:
“That makes her look like an abusive, incompetent parent. She did it I’m sure to bring herself publicity but I’m appalled by the names she called her son. Kids out there are being called that every day and it’s called emotional abuse. Who knows who has listened to this interview? It makes me believe she is saying it at home. And if you say ‘go fuck yourself’ to a kid, they’re like sponges, they soak up anything. There is no excuse for this.”
Sure, Brandi Glanville is a tacky piece of fame whore trash who dragged her son on her podcast for attention, but this Dr. Cornbluth (which sounds like the name of my favorite Arrested Development character that never was) is being a little bit dramatic. “Asshole” is not the worst thing that little Jake has been called. Getting called “LeAnn Rime’s stepson” is even worse. Speaking of Falkor, I’m sure she already made a dance remix of Brandi’s Mother of the Year rant and is going to blast it for Jake in her car when she drives him to the mall to buy his love some more.
And Brandi has already responded to this mess on Twatter:
OMG I jokingly refer 2my kids&dogs as lil assholes sometimes cuz they can be.my mom called us her lil- shits-stop taking things so seripusly
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) June 21, 2014
Yeah, bitches, stop taking things so seripusly! “Seripusly” sounds like a really messy sex acting involving a pussy and male syrup.
CPS Says Everything’s Cool At The Smith House After Investigating Those Pictures Of Willow In Bed With A 20-Year-Old
Praise Xenu (but keep it on the down-low), kewl mom and dad Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are in the clear! Last month, CPS came a-knocking at the Pinkett-Smith house after some maybe-not-wrong-but-definitely-not-right pictures emerged on the internet of 13-year-old Willow Smith laying on a bed with the 20-year-old bastard child of Max and Anne from Guess Who?, Moisés Arias. And after much deliberation (aka the appearance of a mysterious $50,000 cheque from Thetans Credit Union) Radar says that CPS has packed up their magnifying glasses and stopped snooping around Casa del DoWhateverTheFuckYouWant, because they didn’t find anything:
A source told us that after investigators examined the case and spoke with those involved, they discovered “no evidence presented that Willow has ever been in any danger around Moises, or that she has ever been physically or emotionally abused,” adding they found Willow to be “a very well adjusted, smart, and articulate young lady.”
The source also went on to say that no action has been taken against Will and Jada, except they were warned to keep an eye on their kids social media so that this shit doesn’t happen again. Hahahaha - “Keep an eye on their kids.” Good one CPS! And no word on whether or not CPS will return to investigate those not-right pictures of a constipated-looking Jaden Smith being straddled by Marla Hooch, but I’m guessing they won’t, since it’s pretty obvious from the pictures that all Backup Khloe was after was attention.
Well, there you have it – nothing sucio happened between Willow Smith and human monchichi Moisés Arias, case closed. CPS can finally return to the office after their four-week investigation at the Smiths, and start tackling the 8,000 frantic voicemails left by the fetuses growing inside Kate Major and Tila Tequila.
If only Bob Barker reminded everyone to have their pets AND their douchebags spayed or neutered….
Michael Lohan and Kate Major shouldn’t be allowed to take care of a dead hemorrhoid burnt off of a hyena’s ass let alone be allowed to take care of an actual human being, but because we live in a country where involuntarily sterilization is illegal for some strange reason, they have made another baby together. Michael Lohan has sole custody of their first child, 16-month-old son Landon, because Kate Major is currently locked up in the chokey in Florida. The broke down gutter version of Tara Reid was sentenced to 8 months in prison after she violated probation in March by drunkenly crashing her car into some bushes following a messy fight with Michael Lohan. And before Kate became Orange is the New Black’s newest cast member, she bareback boned Michael Lohan and made another future ward of the state with him.
Gossip Extra (via Radar) reports that Kate still has 7 more months to serve, but her attorney Michelle Suskauer filed a motion asking the judge to let her serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest at home. According to her lawyer, Kate’s pregnancy is high-risk. Kate is claiming that she’s 9 weeks knocked up and she’s not able to see her regular doctor. The judge who threw Kate in prison for 8 months will decide if she gets special treatment or not. But the judge might not be amused since she knew Kate had a fetus growing in her when she sent her to prison.
Michael Lohan confirms to Gossip Extra that Kate is pregnant with his 7th kid (or is it 8th? Or 10th? I’m losing track.)
Lindsay Lohan really did inherit her dad’s ability to make wonderful decisions. I mean, you’d think that Michael Lohan’s one brain cell would do him a favor by letting him know that maybe sticking it raw in a trick isn’t such a good idea, because there’s only so many stories about his piece of trash family he can sell to the tabloids to put a dent in all the child support he owes. You’d also think that maybe Kate Major’s one brain cell would do her a favor by letting her know that maybe letting Michael Lohan stick it in raw isn’t a good idea at all. Well, the good news for the unborn Lohan in Kate’s body is that if the judge doesn’t release her from prison and she has to give birth in there, it can escape to the janitor’s closet after slipping out of her poon and it can be raised by prison rats. So there’s that.
And at this point, there’s enough Lohans to rent a pretty big church basement to hold weekly meetings for their Traumatized Children of Michael Lohan support group.
Here’s Michael’s pride and thinking she’s St. Angie Jolie at the Oscars while trolling around London last night.
CPS Is Investigating The Pinkett-Smith Family Regarding That Picture Of Willow In Bed With A 20-Year-Old
After THOSE PICTURES of a 13-year-old Willow Smith hanging out on a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old Moises Arias turned everyone on the internet into Helen Lovejoys and commanding Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith to puhLEEEASE think of the children and start keeping tabs on theirs, it was really only a matter of time before someone at CPS put down their folder on the Jenner girls (“Forget it Lou, they’re too stupid to put back to school”) and realized that the Smith children might need a visit. According to Radar, the Los Angeles Department of Children & Family Services have opened an investigation to see just what’s going on over at Casa del Kewl Parentz:
“The investigation was formally opened last week and is being taken very seriously by the department,” an insider told Radar. “Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have been extremely cooperative with officials. Of course, they aren’t happy that their parenting skills are under scrutiny, but they understand.”
The source revealed, “Social workers will also be talking separately with Willow, and they also want to talk to the young man in the picture with her as well. This won’t just be one or two visits with the family, and it will likely be an open investigation for at least a month, out of an abundance of caution.”
Normally I’d be the first person to tell CPS to calm the fuck down and get back to investigating important shit, like moms who pack jelly bean sandwiches and Skoal in their kid’s lunch or rich toddlers who keep getting arrested for hoodrat stuff, but someone needs to find out if any goddamn parenting is happening at that house. Willow and Jaden Smith are like Dickensian orphans; their parents are never around and the only authority figures are shirtless weirdos, they don’t go to school but they also don’t work, they play with trash. They just sort of spend their days hanging around and looking like futuristic street urchins, like The Rich Kid Oliver Twists of Instagram. “Haven’t seen me mum n’ dad in nearly a fortnight I ‘ave! Hey Govnah, trade you me favorite clip-on nose ring for a ride to the mall?”
Former skanky party gremlin/anti-Semetic conspiracy theorist Tila Tequila announced she was with worm less than two weeks ago, and already things are turning classic Tila (aka crazy and dramatic). Dear CPS, start hiring extra staff now; I have a feeling you’re going to need them very soon.
The mystery surrounding the identity of Tila Tequila’s baby daddy was solved last Thursday when Radar revealed that she’d been knocked up by an aspiring rapper/producer and father of 3 from Georgia named Thomas Paxton Whitaker. The bargain bin K-Fed (and that says something) said that Tila had a wonderful relationship with his daughters and he was very happy and excited to have put a worm in Tila’s tequila pouch, and that he thinks she’ll be a “fantastic mother”. I’d like to know what Thomas’s definition of “fantastic” is, because I wouldn’t trust Tila to look after an artificial cactus from IKEA.
But only 4 days later, Thomas is speaking to Radar once again, and this time he sounds more like what I imagine a Tila Tequila baby daddy sounds like. Thomas says that Tila is a status queen who is no longer pursuing a relationship with Thomas because he filed for bankruptcy back in 2008 and he’s all shades of broke. He also says that Tila is a two-faced backstabber who talks a ton of shit, and that if he ever spilled the beans on what she’s said behind closed doors, she’d never “get a drop of news coverage again for the rest of her days”. So…about as much news coverage as she gets already?
Meanwhile, Tila is chugging along in her own crazy train by posting a rebuttal to Facebook, claiming that she left Thomas because she didn’t want to raise her unborn baby in an unhealthy, unsafe environment, blasts him for running his mouth off to the media, then pops over to Twitter to call him a drug-using drunk. Jesus take the wheel. Take all the wheels.
The last time we checked in with the former harmless booze-chugging trash rat turned insane anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist known as Tila Tequila, she had sort of disappeared before the release of there second sex tape. Naturally, I just assumed she’d been kidnapped by underground Illuminati lizard-people or an alien possessed by Hitler’s ghost, but as it turns out, she was drying out somewhere. GOOD. If Tila Tequila needed anything, it was for a group of professionals to get her off the sauce, because she was turning into the definition of RIGHT FUCKED UP.
And on Friday, Tila announced on Facebook that along with being clean and sober, she’s also knocked up with a tiny tequila worm. Tila says that she’s 10 weeks pregnant, and she’s already created a new Twitter account where she goes by the name Baby Mama Tila. So far there’s no word on who the baby daddy is, so for now let’s assume it’s an Illuminati lizard (they’re notoriously virile).
Tila is has been known to cry wolf when it comes to announcing pregnancies, so I might need more than a swollen tum-tum and a pair of pregnancy titties to convince me that Tila is actually with worm. I won’t be convinced that she is actually pregnant until I see a picture 6 months from now of a giant-eyed baby poking its head out of her crazy coochie, holding a newspaper from that morning in one hand and a hand-written affidavit in the other that reads “I, Tila’s little baby, swear that I was conceived in, grew in, share DNA with, and am now exiting Tila Tequila.” And even then, I’ll still probably be throwing side-eyes and wondering just how long Tila and that super-smart hired baby have been in cahoots for.
I know, for a quick second, my eyes thought that was an old picture of Sam Kinison too.
Well, I guess it’s Twins Who Are Totally Screwed In Life week. First, we find out that oozing douche sore Joe Francis is going to be a father to twin daughters and now Radar is saying that Brooke Mueller’s got custody of her twin boys again. What next set of twins is going to be hit with tragedy? Somewhere in France, the chosen ones, Vivienne and Knox Jolie-Pitt, showed up to a toy store with their nannies to buy more toys since they obviously don’t have enough and it was closed. They wouldn’t even open up for them. It truly is the worst week for twins!
Last year, while Brooke Mueller was drying out in rehab for the 20th time, Denise Richards took care of her and Charlie Sheen’s twin boys, Max and Bob, since Charlie can’t even be trusted to take care of a broken crack pipe. After having the boys for a while, Denise wrote a letter to the Department of Children and Family Services telling them that Bob and Max have beat her girls, hit a teacher and were close to murdering her dogs. Denise also said that after visiting with Brooke one weekend, one of the boys came back with a bruise on his face. Brooke also wouldn’t let Denise take the boys to a shrink. It was a total mess. It got messier when the boys were placed with Brooke’s brother and they all moved into her house with her. Well, Brooke’s brother can move out now, because she’s got custody of the boys and is getting that Charlie Sheen money again. As the crack dealers sing “Happy Days Are Here Again,” some source dribbled out this drop of doom to Radar:
“Brooke was recently granted full custody of Bob and Max by a child dependency judge after it was deemed that she had complied with all of the terms set forth by the Los Angeles County Department of Children & Family Services. Moving forward, Brooke won’t have to undergo random drug tests. DCFS will keep in contact with Brooke and check up on the boys, but there will be no unannounced visits. As far as Child Protective Services is concerned, Brooke has made a successful recovery, and is now ready to be the legal custodial parent for the boys. Family reunification is always the goal in these types of cases. Splitting up a family, take children away from either the mother or father, only happens in extreme cases of neglect and abuse.”
No drug testing and a monthly check from Charlie Sheen…. I know some of you are thinking that this is going to end about as well as having bareback butt sex right after eating Korean BBQ. But who knows? Maybe 20th time’s a charm and Brooke will become a devoted mother who will rub her son’s tummies when their sick and bake cookies for PTA meetings. Or she’ll take that Charlie Sheen money and shack up with her crack dealer in a room at a Super 8 in Van Nuys while her boys are left at home by themselves to be raised by the backyard possums. That wouldn’t be the worst thing, actually. I mean, possums are totally good moms.
And leave it to Litibu the sea lion to make a “Nope, get me the fuck offa this planet” face, so you don’t have to.
While supervising their hos on the ho stroll, Joe Francis and Pimp Mama Kris probably find a little time to talk about the pimp life and share pimp tips with one another, so I’m sure she told him that what he really needs to do is grow his only little stable of moneymakers. Joe took her advice and now a pair of fetuses gone wild are growing in his girlfriend’s womb. The douche creature that mutated out of an Ed Hardy t-shirt after Terry Richardson dropped his load on it tells UsWeekly that there’s an IVF doctor out there who must really hate babies, because they implanted fertilized eggs into his girlfriend’s body. Abbey Wilson says they went with IVF, because they want “healthy” girls and mostly because her ovary eggs kept spitting out every Joe Francis jizz fish that tried to get in.
“We both wanted girls and we wanted them to be healthy and free of genetic diseases so we chose to do IVF. I have always heard women say you just know when you are pregnant and I totally understand that now. Your body, smell, sensitivity and cravings all change and mine did from day one. I found out shortly after a blood test confirmed the results and called Joe immediately, we were both screaming and so loud with excitement from each end of the phone!”
What Abbey Wilson really wanted is to give birth to two bags of concrete who will cement her place in gold digger history and set her up for the rest of her life. Joe Francis also spit up a verbal cum ball of hilariousness that is Katherine Heigl levels of delusion.
“We chose to have girls. I believe people will finally understand my love, respect and admiration for women. I love girls.”
So when Joe Francis bashed a woman’s head into the floor and punched Jayde Nicole in the face, he was just showing them how much he loved, respected and admired them? “Makes sense,” said Chris Brown somewhere. I don’t even know how you can “choose” the sex of your babies. I’m taking that to mean that if Abbey was knocked up with boys, that punchable skid mark would’ve made her get an abortion and try again until girls grew in her womb. Joe Francis truly is an underappreciated admirer and champion of girls.
UPDATE: Apparently, “gender selection” is a thing that exists.