Nowadays whenever news about a celebrity’s divorce comes out, you gotta pull out a bottle of holy water-infused Febreze and prepare to spray, because usually some gross shit follows that news. It seems like most celebrities divorces have been getting beyond ugly and Lisa Marie Presley’s divorce is no exception.
Lisa Marie filed for divorce from her Tom-Petty-As-A-Tim-Burton-Villain-looking ass husband, Michael Lockwood, in June after 10 years of being married. Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old daughters, Finley and Harper. Those daughters are now in the custody of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer. It was way more disturbing than pictures of Michael in various busted hats. It was allegedly some Subway Jared-type shit. TMZ says that what was found was serious enough for Finley and Harper to be taken away.
Mad Mel is back. Hollywood is no longer mad at the baked bag of rage for blaming all the world’s ills on the Jews (among other things) and he’s working the awards show circuit once again. And on top of being an Oscar nominee this year, Mel is a father again at the age of 61. And as Mel celebrates that, I’m sure his lawyers are holding an emergency meeting to tell their team that they better sign up for some CrossFit shit, take all their vitamins and gargle with herb water to prepare their vocal cords for non-stop screaming. Because in a few months, they’ll probably have to fight it out with Mad Mel’s latest baby mother in family court.
The last time we checked in with Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson’s human Four Loko headache of a son Chet Haze, he was apologizing for using the n-word and announcing he was going to stop doing coke and crack. That was a little over a year ago, and we have an update on Chet Haze’s life. One of the things Chet did in the time since we last heard from him was make a baby. Yes, Chet Haze is a dad.
If you’re a Walmart parking lot drug dealer in the Salt Lake City area, a barefoot tornado of blond messiness may have tried to trade you a kid for a baggie of the bad shit last night. Because TMZ reports that Charlie Sheen’s ex and the mother of his 7-year-old twins, Bob and Max, caused a scene at a bar last night and they were all missing for a few hours.
The last time Backdoor Farrah’s name was farted up onto this blog, I linked to a post about the picture she posted on Instagram of her 7-year-old daughter Sophia drinking Flat Tummy Tea. Whether she really gave her little daughter laxative tea or she was just trolling for attention, I figured that an agent from CPS would still crash through her ceiling, swoop up Sophia and retreat back up into a getaway helicopter. That didn’t happen, because Farrah is still using her daughter as a prop to get attention. And yes, I’m falling for it, but it’s either post about this wreck or do another damn post about the election.
The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services was mainly looking at Brad Pitt’s alleged drunken meltdown on a plane and his side tried to convince everyone that it was a one-time thing, but after talking to the kids and Angelina Jolie, DCFS has reportedly opened up their investigation and are now passing their magnifying glasses over other incidents that may have gone down. Yup, this mess got messier…