The last time we checked in with the former harmless booze-chugging trash rat turned insane anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist known as Tila Tequila, she had sort of disappeared before the release of there second sex tape. Naturally, I just assumed she’d been kidnapped by underground Illuminati lizard-people or an alien possessed by Hitler’s ghost, but as it turns out, she was drying out somewhere. GOOD. If Tila Tequila needed anything, it was for a group of professionals to get her off the sauce, because she was turning into the definition of RIGHT FUCKED UP.
And on Friday, Tila announced on Facebook that along with being clean and sober, she’s also knocked up with a tiny tequila worm. Tila says that she’s 10 weeks pregnant, and she’s already created a new Twitter account where she goes by the name Baby Mama Tila. So far there’s no word on who the baby daddy is, so for now let’s assume it’s an Illuminati lizard (they’re notoriously virile).
Tila is has been known to cry wolf when it comes to announcing pregnancies, so I might need more than a swollen tum-tum and a pair of pregnancy titties to convince me that Tila is actually with worm. I won’t be convinced that she is actually pregnant until I see a picture 6 months from now of a giant-eyed baby poking its head out of her crazy coochie, holding a newspaper from that morning in one hand and a hand-written affidavit in the other that reads “I, Tila’s little baby, swear that I was conceived in, grew in, share DNA with, and am now exiting Tila Tequila.” And even then, I’ll still probably be throwing side-eyes and wondering just how long Tila and that super-smart hired baby have been in cahoots for.
I know, for a quick second, my eyes thought that was an old picture of Sam Kinison too.
Well, I guess it’s Twins Who Are Totally Screwed In Life week. First, we find out that oozing douche sore Joe Francis is going to be a father to twin daughters and now Radar is saying that Brooke Mueller’s got custody of her twin boys again. What next set of twins is going to be hit with tragedy? Somewhere in France, the chosen ones, Vivienne and Knox Jolie-Pitt, showed up to a toy store with their nannies to buy more toys since they obviously don’t have enough and it was closed. They wouldn’t even open up for them. It truly is the worst week for twins!
Last year, while Brooke Mueller was drying out in rehab for the 20th time, Denise Richards took care of her and Charlie Sheen’s twin boys, Max and Bob, since Charlie can’t even be trusted to take care of a broken crack pipe. After having the boys for a while, Denise wrote a letter to the Department of Children and Family Services telling them that Bob and Max have beat her girls, hit a teacher and were close to murdering her dogs. Denise also said that after visiting with Brooke one weekend, one of the boys came back with a bruise on his face. Brooke also wouldn’t let Denise take the boys to a shrink. It was a total mess. It got messier when the boys were placed with Brooke’s brother and they all moved into her house with her. Well, Brooke’s brother can move out now, because she’s got custody of the boys and is getting that Charlie Sheen money again. As the crack dealers sing “Happy Days Are Here Again,” some source dribbled out this drop of doom to Radar:
“Brooke was recently granted full custody of Bob and Max by a child dependency judge after it was deemed that she had complied with all of the terms set forth by the Los Angeles County Department of Children & Family Services. Moving forward, Brooke won’t have to undergo random drug tests. DCFS will keep in contact with Brooke and check up on the boys, but there will be no unannounced visits. As far as Child Protective Services is concerned, Brooke has made a successful recovery, and is now ready to be the legal custodial parent for the boys. Family reunification is always the goal in these types of cases. Splitting up a family, take children away from either the mother or father, only happens in extreme cases of neglect and abuse.”
No drug testing and a monthly check from Charlie Sheen…. I know some of you are thinking that this is going to end about as well as having bareback butt sex right after eating Korean BBQ. But who knows? Maybe 20th time’s a charm and Brooke will become a devoted mother who will rub her son’s tummies when their sick and bake cookies for PTA meetings. Or she’ll take that Charlie Sheen money and shack up with her crack dealer in a room at a Super 8 in Van Nuys while her boys are left at home by themselves to be raised by the backyard possums. That wouldn’t be the worst thing, actually. I mean, possums are totally good moms.
And leave it to Litibu the sea lion to make a “Nope, get me the fuck offa this planet” face, so you don’t have to.
While supervising their hos on the ho stroll, Joe Francis and Pimp Mama Kris probably find a little time to talk about the pimp life and share pimp tips with one another, so I’m sure she told him that what he really needs to do is grow his only little stable of moneymakers. Joe took her advice and now a pair of fetuses gone wild are growing in his girlfriend’s womb. The douche creature that mutated out of an Ed Hardy t-shirt after Terry Richardson dropped his load on it tells UsWeekly that there’s an IVF doctor out there who must really hate babies, because they implanted fertilized eggs into his girlfriend’s body. Abbey Wilson says they went with IVF, because they want “healthy” girls and mostly because her ovary eggs kept spitting out every Joe Francis jizz fish that tried to get in.
“We both wanted girls and we wanted them to be healthy and free of genetic diseases so we chose to do IVF. I have always heard women say you just know when you are pregnant and I totally understand that now. Your body, smell, sensitivity and cravings all change and mine did from day one. I found out shortly after a blood test confirmed the results and called Joe immediately, we were both screaming and so loud with excitement from each end of the phone!”
What Abbey Wilson really wanted is to give birth to two bags of concrete who will cement her place in gold digger history and set her up for the rest of her life. Joe Francis also spit up a verbal cum ball of hilariousness that is Katherine Heigl levels of delusion.
“We chose to have girls. I believe people will finally understand my love, respect and admiration for women. I love girls.”
So when Joe Francis bashed a woman’s head into the floor and punched Jayde Nicole in the face, he was just showing them how much he loved, respected and admired them? “Makes sense,” said Chris Brown somewhere. I don’t even know how you can “choose” the sex of your babies. I’m taking that to mean that if Abbey was knocked up with boys, that punchable skid mark would’ve made her get an abortion and try again until girls grew in her womb. Joe Francis truly is an underappreciated admirer and champion of girls.
UPDATE: Apparently, “gender selection” is a thing that exists.
That sentence alone should have every CPS agent in the universe (yes, even CPS Saturn) rushing to Michael Lohan’s home to collect Baby Landon, but sadly being a human taint rash isn’t enough proof that your kid needs confiscating.
On Thursday, Michael Lohan’s wife Kate Major (yes, the one who looks like Miss Piggy’s half sister who sells meth during her midnight shift at the Circle K) submitted her second entry for Most Florida by getting drunk, whooping her husband in his fried chicken face, fled the scene and crashed her car into some bushes. Police arrested her ass for being a violent drunk mess and she’s currently being held in jail. I’m guessing her prison name is either Major Trash or Frost-N-Tip (because, dayum, she got some $9.99 highlights).
Now TMZ is saying that on Monday, Michael will be filing for primary custody after his wife’s latest life disaster on grounds that he fears for his son’s safety once Kate is released. He also wants someone to investigate her doctors because they recently put her on medication and he claims that the drugs are making her loco in the cabeza. Uh huh. So how do you explain dating Jon Gosselin? Was she on drugs then too? It’s not the drugs, Michael; she’s been infected with the virus carried by the Lohan family (Attentionwhorus Dramatis) and it’s turned her into a drama-loving drunk lunatic. I know; you can call me Detective La Allison, because I just solved the case.
And when Michael shows up on Monday to file for custody, can’t someone from CPS please bust him on a technicality? Maybe one of the wheels on Baby Landon’s stroller looks a little wobbly. Maybe he filled out the form in black ink instead of blue. Maybe it looks like he’s feeding him off-brand Animal Crackers. Just find SOMETHING you can use. Come on CPS, Landon Lohan needs you!
Someone needs to sit down with Charlie Sheen’s porn star fiancé (that sounds like an unpopular Vivid title) Brett Rossi, and school her on the subtleties of gold digging, because homegirl is coming across a little sloppy. Brett must have skipped the class at Make Dat Money University where you learn that a good gold digger lets the steam cool on her 24K crack rock before holding your hand out and demanding more, because Radar says she’s already begging for a two decades worth of paycheques in the form of a baby:
“Brett wants to start a family with Charlie immediately,” an insider tells Radar. “She doesn’t want to wait to have kids, and thinks Charlie will be an amazing father.”
Sheen is already a father of six. But in the midst of the custody drama surrounding his twins with ex-wife Brooke Mueller, Max and Bob, Sheen “isn’t quite ready to become a father for the sixth time,” the source explains. “He definitely wants kids with Brett, but he doesn’t want to rush into it. This is the one thing they can’t seem to agree on!”
Jesus, it’s Clickety Clack, not Stompity Stomp, Brett; if you want #datmoney you need to play it smart and play it quiet. First you tell Charlie you want kids, but “Way, way in the future” and make that hand gesture that looks like you’re swatting away money. Then you let some time pass; typically 3-5 months, but I bet Charlie’s crack-fried cockroach brain is no longer able to comprehend the passing of time, so you could just wait 3-5 weeks. During this time, stop taking birth control and start practicing your best “Whoopsies, I’m pregnant!!” face in the mirror. There you go, you just won the 18-year-long lottery.
And the sad thing is, I have never dug for gold in my life and yet I’m already a million times better at it than a porn star. Get your shit together and stop being so obvious, Brett Rossi, or you’ll find yourself pawning that engagement ring to pay for your portion of the rent on the Studio City bachelor apartment you share with the Goddesses.
I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t speak to the type cravings you get when a fetus moves into your lady gut (I should read a book sometime) but I thought women were supposed to get all Stains-y for weird shit like chocolate-dipped scrambled eggs and deep-fried Kleenex, not bongs filled with the stickiest of the icky.
Or maybe Teen Mom 2′s Jenelle Evan’s brain has been fried by so much good shit (and bad shit, and oh-shit-don’t-huff-that shit) that it now recognizes weed as a life-sustaining food. At least that would explain why, according to Radar, Jenelle is texting her friends about getting high, even though she has a baby friend living inside her:
“We can smoke and chill on a huge f**king blunt lol,” Evans tells her friend in the Monday, Feb. 10 text message.
And it seems the MTV star managed to find some marijuana while on her trip to Tinseltown too, texting her friend that she wanted to smoke while driving down “the strip.”
“She told me that if she doesn’t have weed she will throw up due to her pregnancy,” the insider told Radar. “So she always has a lot of weed on her at a time.” And when she runs out, the pal claims Evans makes a nearly two-hour trip to get some.
“When Jenelle runs out of weed she will drive from her house in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to Brunswick County in North Carolina, which is a 2-hour round trip to buy $120 worth of weed,” the source said.
Two hours to get weed? Is there not a Taco Bell restroom with its own in-house dealer in Myrtle Beach? NO! I’m missing the point here; she shouldn’t be road tripping for weed while pregnant. But even if she were to cut out the weed altogether, her fetus is still fighting a losing battle against the damage already done from listening to endless hours of Ke$ha in utero, so CPS should probably just go ahead and ask Jenelle’s mother Barbara to pull another high chair up to the dinner table and stock up on Kid Cuisines for the not-so-distant future.
(Pic: Jenelle Evans)
Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.
“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”
At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!“ Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.
All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.
Just when I thought Kris Jenner couldn’t be more of an asshole, the curtain gets pulled back a little more and all I can see are horns, cloven hooves and red eyes glowing in the dark. Khloe Kardashian did an interview with Cosmopolitan UK (via Daily Mail) and said this:
‘She didn’t mean harm, but when I was around nine I overheard my mom telling her friend I needed a nose job,‘ revealed the reality star.
‘I was shocked; I hadn’t even thought about it,‘ she said.
Since this is PMK we’re talking about, I’m sure she hinted at future improvements the minute Khloe was delivered (by scheduled c-section, of course). She probably held all her kids up to the light, tilting them this way and that while hissing, “Yessss, we can work with thisssss“. Hell, I’d bet she did the same thing with Bruce before agreeing to go out with him.
Khloe should have known the Play-Doh sets her mother gave her for Christmas were for the sole purpose of learning to mold her own post-op look. Maybe she put two and two together whenever Kris slapped Khloe’s hand away from her face whenever Khloe wanted to play Got Your Nose. Kris couldn’t afford to have anybody else touch that mangled blob of Silly Putty. One pinch and the entire thing would collapse on itself, leaving Kris looking like Mrs. Doubtfire’s face after it was run over by a truck.
And there’s nine words that’ll mess up a CPS officer’s weekend and make them call their family to say, “You probably won’t be hearing from me for a while. I haven’t been kidnapped, it’s just that Brooke Mueller’s kids are living with her again. Yeah.”
Yesterday, it was reported that the head bitches at The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services were trying to convince Denise Richards to keep Charlie Sheen’s twins, Bob and Max, for just a few more weeks. Denise’s errrrr-ed at their request, because 4-year-old Bob and Max have been terrorizing her dogs and her daughters and she doesn’t know how much more she can take. Well, Denise’s dogs have been saved from getting choked out by a child, because TMZ says that a judge has moved temporary guardianship of the twins from Denise Richards to Brooke’s brother Scott Mueller. Scott lives far away from Brooke and the judge doesn’t want to rip the boys out of their school, so the judge agreed to let him and the boys move in with Brooke. “What a WONDERFUL idea,” said only Brooke and her dealer since she’s going to get that child support money now.
DCFS’ definition of “slow” is different than everyone else’s definition of “slow,” because during their mediation with Denise and Brooke yesterday they said that the plan is to sloooooooowly reintroduce the twins into Brooke’s life before she gets full custody again. And now they’re moving back in. SLOW! So the judge had two options:
1. Let Scott Mueller move the twins into his house and put them in a different school, which might not be the worst idea since they allegedly slapped down their teacher.
2. Let Max and Bob move back in with one of the parents who is responsible for drowning their childhood in a pipe full of dirty crack pipe water and will probably continue to fuck their lives all the way up.
A smart choice by that judge!
I’m just going to say the same exact thing I said when I got on a flight from L.A. to NYC and realized that the three large coffees with extra cream I just downed were starting to turn my asshole into the most terrifying volcano ever: This really isn’t going to end well for everybody involved.
And Charlie responded to the judge’s ruling by saying this:
“This pig circus overflowing with buffoons, sycophants and heretics cannot be trusted to safely raise a colony of ferrets. Brooke will fail and her brother [who lives by the beach] will be selling his ass under a pier and the evil nanny will die from ugly. When, not if, this psychotic and desperately irresponsible sham goes sideways, DCFS will burn to the ground, topped off with the smoldering robe of the judge.”
That’s some “if Shakespeare was a crackhead” shit.
Both TMZ and Radar report that Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards were in court today to try to work out the sad, messy, Lifetime movie situation that is the custody of Brooke and Charlie’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max. The emergency hearing was called after Denise wrote a long letter to the Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services saying that she can no longer take care of the boys, because she never knows when they’ll transform into a zombie-state and try to murder her dogs and beat her daughters. Denise told Child Services that she wanted to take the boys to see a psychologist, but Brooke wouldn’t let her. So Brooke and Denise sat down together to talk it out. Charlie Sheen was invited, but he didn’t show up. You would know if he did, because you would’ve heard about the SWAT Team being called to a court house in L.A. after a dehydrated warlock brought a grenade cake into the building.
TMZ and Radar must’ve had two different flies clinging to the wall in that room, because they have two different stories. TMZ says that it was pretty calm between Brooke and Denise. Dr. Charles Sophy, the medical director of Children and Family Services, mediated the session for four long hours. They were all certified as Captain Obviouses, because they all agree that Bob and Max’s childhood is fucked up from all the drama. Dr. Sophy wants Denise to keep custody of Bob and Max, but told her that it won’t be forever. He wants the twins to go back to Brooke once she’s in the right place and is strong enough to handle them. Brooke currently sees them a couple of times a week and she swears she’s off the bad shit. Charlie isn’t an option for custody. Denise is afraid that Bob and Max will continue to hurt her daughters and she’s pissed that Brooke is stopping her from taking them to see a shrink.
Radar says that shit was far from calm in the room. Brooke came for Denise, because she thinks Denise is trying to make her look like a shit mom. (You tell her, Brooke! How dare Denise make you look like a shit mom. You can do that by yourself, thankyouverymuch!) Radar’s source said:
“Denise told the head honchos of of DCFS she just wanted a smooth transition of the twins back to their mother, Brooke Mueller. Officials were extremely impressed with Denise and her genuine concern and love for the boys. However, Brooke was extremely combative and lashed out at Denise. It came out of nowhere and was extremely inappropriate. It was probably the first time DCFS saw cracks in Brooke’s previously cool demeanor. Brooke was having a temper tantrum because she felt Denise was making her look like a bad mother. Nothing was accomplished at the meeting, except for Denise maintaing that it was time for the boys to leave her house, but she wants it done with the help of the department so all of the kids have closure.”
The source also said that Dr. Sophy wants Denise to take care of the boys for three more weeks and then Brooke will take them.
GOING BACK TO BROOKE?!
Reason #1 for why I am not a social worker: If I was the social worker who had to pick up those kids from Denise’s house and drive them over to Brooke’s to stay with that mess permanently, I’d take a “wrong turn” and end up at the bus station. I’d give those boys an envelope full of money and tell them to take the next bus out of town and never ever look back. I’d also give them an iPod full of Journey’s greatest hits, because that shit’s some good traveling music.