Someone needs to sit down with Charlie Sheen’s porn star fiancé (that sounds like an unpopular Vivid title) Brett Rossi, and school her on the subtleties of gold digging, because homegirl is coming across a little sloppy. Brett must have skipped the class at Make Dat Money University where you learn that a good gold digger lets the steam cool on her 24K crack rock before holding your hand out and demanding more, because Radar says she’s already begging for a two decades worth of paycheques in the form of a baby:
“Brett wants to start a family with Charlie immediately,” an insider tells Radar. “She doesn’t want to wait to have kids, and thinks Charlie will be an amazing father.”
Sheen is already a father of six. But in the midst of the custody drama surrounding his twins with ex-wife Brooke Mueller, Max and Bob, Sheen “isn’t quite ready to become a father for the sixth time,” the source explains. “He definitely wants kids with Brett, but he doesn’t want to rush into it. This is the one thing they can’t seem to agree on!”
Jesus, it’s Clickety Clack, not Stompity Stomp, Brett; if you want #datmoney you need to play it smart and play it quiet. First you tell Charlie you want kids, but “Way, way in the future” and make that hand gesture that looks like you’re swatting away money. Then you let some time pass; typically 3-5 months, but I bet Charlie’s crack-fried cockroach brain is no longer able to comprehend the passing of time, so you could just wait 3-5 weeks. During this time, stop taking birth control and start practicing your best “Whoopsies, I’m pregnant!!” face in the mirror. There you go, you just won the 18-year-long lottery.
And the sad thing is, I have never dug for gold in my life and yet I’m already a million times better at it than a porn star. Get your shit together and stop being so obvious, Brett Rossi, or you’ll find yourself pawning that engagement ring to pay for your portion of the rent on the Studio City bachelor apartment you share with the Goddesses.
I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t speak to the type cravings you get when a fetus moves into your lady gut (I should read a book sometime) but I thought women were supposed to get all Stains-y for weird shit like chocolate-dipped scrambled eggs and deep-fried Kleenex, not bongs filled with the stickiest of the icky.
Or maybe Teen Mom 2′s Jenelle Evan’s brain has been fried by so much good shit (and bad shit, and oh-shit-don’t-huff-that shit) that it now recognizes weed as a life-sustaining food. At least that would explain why, according to Radar, Jenelle is texting her friends about getting high, even though she has a baby friend living inside her:
“We can smoke and chill on a huge f**king blunt lol,” Evans tells her friend in the Monday, Feb. 10 text message.
And it seems the MTV star managed to find some marijuana while on her trip to Tinseltown too, texting her friend that she wanted to smoke while driving down “the strip.”
“She told me that if she doesn’t have weed she will throw up due to her pregnancy,” the insider told Radar. “So she always has a lot of weed on her at a time.” And when she runs out, the pal claims Evans makes a nearly two-hour trip to get some.
“When Jenelle runs out of weed she will drive from her house in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to Brunswick County in North Carolina, which is a 2-hour round trip to buy $120 worth of weed,” the source said.
Two hours to get weed? Is there not a Taco Bell restroom with its own in-house dealer in Myrtle Beach? NO! I’m missing the point here; she shouldn’t be road tripping for weed while pregnant. But even if she were to cut out the weed altogether, her fetus is still fighting a losing battle against the damage already done from listening to endless hours of Ke$ha in utero, so CPS should probably just go ahead and ask Jenelle’s mother Barbara to pull another high chair up to the dinner table and stock up on Kid Cuisines for the not-so-distant future.
(Pic: Jenelle Evans)
Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.
“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”
At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!“ Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.
All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.
Just when I thought Kris Jenner couldn’t be more of an asshole, the curtain gets pulled back a little more and all I can see are horns, cloven hooves and red eyes glowing in the dark. Khloe Kardashian did an interview with Cosmopolitan UK (via Daily Mail) and said this:
‘She didn’t mean harm, but when I was around nine I overheard my mom telling her friend I needed a nose job,‘ revealed the reality star.
‘I was shocked; I hadn’t even thought about it,‘ she said.
Since this is PMK we’re talking about, I’m sure she hinted at future improvements the minute Khloe was delivered (by scheduled c-section, of course). She probably held all her kids up to the light, tilting them this way and that while hissing, “Yessss, we can work with thisssss“. Hell, I’d bet she did the same thing with Bruce before agreeing to go out with him.
Khloe should have known the Play-Doh sets her mother gave her for Christmas were for the sole purpose of learning to mold her own post-op look. Maybe she put two and two together whenever Kris slapped Khloe’s hand away from her face whenever Khloe wanted to play Got Your Nose. Kris couldn’t afford to have anybody else touch that mangled blob of Silly Putty. One pinch and the entire thing would collapse on itself, leaving Kris looking like Mrs. Doubtfire’s face after it was run over by a truck.
And there’s nine words that’ll mess up a CPS officer’s weekend and make them call their family to say, “You probably won’t be hearing from me for a while. I haven’t been kidnapped, it’s just that Brooke Mueller’s kids are living with her again. Yeah.”
Yesterday, it was reported that the head bitches at The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services were trying to convince Denise Richards to keep Charlie Sheen’s twins, Bob and Max, for just a few more weeks. Denise’s errrrr-ed at their request, because 4-year-old Bob and Max have been terrorizing her dogs and her daughters and she doesn’t know how much more she can take. Well, Denise’s dogs have been saved from getting choked out by a child, because TMZ says that a judge has moved temporary guardianship of the twins from Denise Richards to Brooke’s brother Scott Mueller. Scott lives far away from Brooke and the judge doesn’t want to rip the boys out of their school, so the judge agreed to let him and the boys move in with Brooke. “What a WONDERFUL idea,” said only Brooke and her dealer since she’s going to get that child support money now.
DCFS’ definition of “slow” is different than everyone else’s definition of “slow,” because during their mediation with Denise and Brooke yesterday they said that the plan is to sloooooooowly reintroduce the twins into Brooke’s life before she gets full custody again. And now they’re moving back in. SLOW! So the judge had two options:
1. Let Scott Mueller move the twins into his house and put them in a different school, which might not be the worst idea since they allegedly slapped down their teacher.
2. Let Max and Bob move back in with one of the parents who is responsible for drowning their childhood in a pipe full of dirty crack pipe water and will probably continue to fuck their lives all the way up.
A smart choice by that judge!
I’m just going to say the same exact thing I said when I got on a flight from L.A. to NYC and realized that the three large coffees with extra cream I just downed were starting to turn my asshole into the most terrifying volcano ever: This really isn’t going to end well for everybody involved.
And Charlie responded to the judge’s ruling by saying this:
“This pig circus overflowing with buffoons, sycophants and heretics cannot be trusted to safely raise a colony of ferrets. Brooke will fail and her brother [who lives by the beach] will be selling his ass under a pier and the evil nanny will die from ugly. When, not if, this psychotic and desperately irresponsible sham goes sideways, DCFS will burn to the ground, topped off with the smoldering robe of the judge.”
That’s some “if Shakespeare was a crackhead” shit.
Both TMZ and Radar report that Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards were in court today to try to work out the sad, messy, Lifetime movie situation that is the custody of Brooke and Charlie’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max. The emergency hearing was called after Denise wrote a long letter to the Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services saying that she can no longer take care of the boys, because she never knows when they’ll transform into a zombie-state and try to murder her dogs and beat her daughters. Denise told Child Services that she wanted to take the boys to see a psychologist, but Brooke wouldn’t let her. So Brooke and Denise sat down together to talk it out. Charlie Sheen was invited, but he didn’t show up. You would know if he did, because you would’ve heard about the SWAT Team being called to a court house in L.A. after a dehydrated warlock brought a grenade cake into the building.
TMZ and Radar must’ve had two different flies clinging to the wall in that room, because they have two different stories. TMZ says that it was pretty calm between Brooke and Denise. Dr. Charles Sophy, the medical director of Children and Family Services, mediated the session for four long hours. They were all certified as Captain Obviouses, because they all agree that Bob and Max’s childhood is fucked up from all the drama. Dr. Sophy wants Denise to keep custody of Bob and Max, but told her that it won’t be forever. He wants the twins to go back to Brooke once she’s in the right place and is strong enough to handle them. Brooke currently sees them a couple of times a week and she swears she’s off the bad shit. Charlie isn’t an option for custody. Denise is afraid that Bob and Max will continue to hurt her daughters and she’s pissed that Brooke is stopping her from taking them to see a shrink.
Radar says that shit was far from calm in the room. Brooke came for Denise, because she thinks Denise is trying to make her look like a shit mom. (You tell her, Brooke! How dare Denise make you look like a shit mom. You can do that by yourself, thankyouverymuch!) Radar’s source said:
“Denise told the head honchos of of DCFS she just wanted a smooth transition of the twins back to their mother, Brooke Mueller. Officials were extremely impressed with Denise and her genuine concern and love for the boys. However, Brooke was extremely combative and lashed out at Denise. It came out of nowhere and was extremely inappropriate. It was probably the first time DCFS saw cracks in Brooke’s previously cool demeanor. Brooke was having a temper tantrum because she felt Denise was making her look like a bad mother. Nothing was accomplished at the meeting, except for Denise maintaing that it was time for the boys to leave her house, but she wants it done with the help of the department so all of the kids have closure.”
The source also said that Dr. Sophy wants Denise to take care of the boys for three more weeks and then Brooke will take them.
GOING BACK TO BROOKE?!
Reason #1 for why I am not a social worker: If I was the social worker who had to pick up those kids from Denise’s house and drive them over to Brooke’s to stay with that mess permanently, I’d take a “wrong turn” and end up at the bus station. I’d give those boys an envelope full of money and tell them to take the next bus out of town and never ever look back. I’d also give them an iPod full of Journey’s greatest hits, because that shit’s some good traveling music.
TMZ had a lovely and uplifting (read: the opposite of that shit) story this morning about how Denise Richards told The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services that she can no longer take care of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max, because the boys kick her dogs in the head (Side note: Yes, I went and listened to “You Kicked My Dog” right after reading that), tell her they want to kill her dogs, beat on her daughters and have slapped a teacher at school. The twins are a nightmare come to life and Denise blames it all on Brooke. CPS also has pictures of Bob with a red welt on the side of his face and it apparently showed up after he spent the weekend with Brooke and Brooke’s mom. In case you’re still not sure why the boys of a cracked out, insane warlock with burnt anus lips for brains and a crackhead mess would act like that, here’s another reason why.
Just a day after a judge refused to give Brooke a restraining order against Charlie, he wished the mother of his twin boys a really belated birthday (her birthday’s in August, but he’s on crackhead time so…) by tweeting a picture of a grenade on top of some nasty looking dry ass cake with this touching note:
Yes, celebrate the victory of Brooke not getting a restraining order against you by telling her ass to die. What’s the opposite of winning again? And why does Charlie Sheen act like sucking off an entire Home Depot parking lot is a bad thing?
So, Bob and Max have these two ass warts for parents and now Denise Richards doesn’t want to take care of them anymore. Is Sister Kate’s orphanage still open, because she might be their only hope.
I may or may not have started my day off as June Cleaver. (Okay, I didn’t.) I’m pretty sure June never stole a Kit Kat from Wally and the Beav’s Halloween stash and had to dive into the half bath off the kitchen to shove it in her mouth in order to not get caught using it to stir her coffee. (That shit’s delicious- try it. It’s right up there with using a Red Vine to drink strawberry soda.)
HOWEVER, I’m a rung or two up from Boca Raton’s own Mother of the Year candidate Heather McAuliffe, who, according to the Sun-Sentinel (via Daily Mail), was arrested Thursday after writing an email to her six-year-old son’s teacher, saying she had given him 5 milligrams of her Adderall as an “experiment” and asking the teacher to report back on his behavior. Heather said she crushed the pill up in her son’s yogurt to help him. Cue Dina Lohan reading this thinking, “So??!?? I gave my angelic, beautiful Lindsay Adderall and she turned out just fine!!”
You dumb ho! Sure, some kids have issues but take him to the damn doctor to be properly evaluated instead of giving him your ADHD meds. Christ in a sidecar, you’d think some parenting shit would be so basic that it wouldn’t require specific instructions, but whatever is in Florida’s water supply continues to overshadow common fucking sense.
Part of me kind of hopes Heather jumps her $3,000 bond, so that on an episode of Dog and Beth on the Hunt, Dog Chapman can put his aging action hero run to good use, chasing her down in the Florida humidity, his magnificent corn dog-colored manchichis glistening with sweat. Beth can handcuff Heather, put her in an SUV and lecture her while Beth’s tits take up three quarters of the backseat of a Chevy Suburban.
(Photo: The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Department)
The pumpkin patch kick-off isn’t official until the goddess of Dlisted Phoebe Price shows up, but until then we can make due with these pics of Charlie Sheen and his ex Denise Richards serving up some fall goodness. TMZ has an exclusive on their outing, which included the two sons of Brooke Mueller that Denise somehow has custody of
forever until Brooke gets her shit together and Denise’s adopted daughter Eloise.
On the one hand, the idea of it is sweet, but looking through the pics I see lots of “fml” faces from Denise and a couple of boys who can’t decide whether to run to or run from their daddy. I kid, this is probably the most wholesome thing they’ve done with Charlie since making ho-made crack brownies for the ho-meless (aka The Goddesses).
I can’t believe that Denise turned out to be the mom of the century in all this mess, and I hate life for making me respect her. But there she is, with 3 kids that aren’t biologically hers, and they all look happy and healthy. If she’s Catholic, surely she is up for some sort of sainthood in the future. Charlie looks like a Benjamin Buttons frat boy so basically all is normal in the world.
You can go over to TMZ to see all the pics if you’re that bored on a Sunday morning.
So this is what it would look like if the Fairy Godmother got drunk on fermented apples, got high on pixie dust and accidentally turned a rotten, worm-filled pumpkin into a royal skank instead of turning it into a carriage.
A knocked up Katie Price got sprayed down with bright orange car paint, put on one of Prince Poppycock’s rejected ensembles and threw the carcasses of a dozen Poochie dolls on her head to pose with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler at the launch of her latest literary masterpiece, which will obviously be studied in depth by lit majors at Cambridge. Since Katie’s latest soon-to-be Booker Prize winner is a romance novel, her stripper husband dressed up like a prince complete with a frog mask (it’s weird that he never took it off, right?) and she did herself up like a fried Cheeto covered in cotton candy . The people at the event whose retinas weren’t burnt off by the UV rays shooting off of Katie’s skin were stunned by the classiness and exquisiteness of it all.
In other Katie Price news, she recently got kicked out of a tanning salon because they wouldn’t let her expose her unborn fetus to the UV rays. Katie told the BBC that the salon was obviously just using her name to get some free publicity and there’s nothing wrong with charbroiling your fetus.
“I think there was a tanning shop opening down the road, so she probably wanted press for her one. You can go on sunbeds when you’re pregnant. It’s ridiculous. Look how brown I am. I’ve have just been on holiday. Is the sun bad for you? But anyway, whatever anyone says, it’s my life and I do what I like.”
Katie Price is one hundred percent correct. Her baby will be fine. I’m pretty sure Tan Mom’s mom conceived her in a tanning bed, birthed her in a tanning bed and used a tanning bed as her crib and she turned out fine! Besides, Katie Price does not want to give birth to a pasty white thing so she might as well tan her fetus while it’s lounging in there. Fetuses need something to do.