When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.
Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!
Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.
What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….
TMZ says that recent father (and yes, typing that without also adding “and future deadbeat dad” took every ounce of my willpower) Chris Brown is trying to convince the mother of his 9-month-old daughter Royalty to move from her home in Houston, TX to Los Angeles so he can be closer to his kid. Chris’ original fatherhood plan was to fly back and forth between L.A. and Houston, but now he’s interested in seeing her every day. Sources say he recently offered to move his baby and baby mama Nia Guzman from Texas into a house in the Hollywood Hills at his expense.
They also say he’s trying to renegotiate that messy child support arrangement they have. Ever since Chris found out he was the DNA daddy of their baby, he began dumping a ton of cash into her checking account. Then he caught wind that she might be blabbing about him to the press, so he threatened to go to court. Now he’s apparently considering going back to their original arrangement of leaving the lawyers out of it if she moves closer to him. TMZ says Nia Guzman hasn’t decided if she and Royalty will move closer to the source of their royalty checks.
I had to hold my nose for the majority of this story, because something stinks. What’s with Chris Brown’s interest in being Danny fucking Tanner all of a sudden? Or maybe I’m just being a cynical bitch and he’s actually trying to do right for once.
I guess the only way we’ll know whether or not he’s serious about being a daddy is if he starts hanging out with Justin Bieber again. Putting in some practice hours with that grown-up toddler shows real commitment.
According to TMZ, shit between talking bareback nut-busting cold sore Chris Brown and his surprise baby mama Nia Guzman isn’t as good as it seems. Apparently Chris found out about his 9-month-old daughter Royalty last month and quickly offered Nia more money than she would have received in child support court in exchange for the promise that she keep her mouth shut about the whole situation. Basically, Chris Brown didn’t want anyone to find out he was a father. “Trust me, I didn’t want anyone to find out Chris Brown was my father either” thought Baby Royalty.
Unfortunately, someone with loose lips started blabbing to the press, and now we all know about it. Chris believes the culprit leaking stories is Nia herself, and he’s pissed. A source (Hi Nia!) says Chris has met with his lawyers to discuss going to a judge and asking for a child support order, which is bad news for Nia, because a child support order means she’ll get significantly less than what he’s paying her now.
To make matters messier, TMZ says Nia’s ex-husband Terry Avery has decided to get involved. Terry, who was married to Nia from 2003 to 2014 and was separated from her when she got knocked-up with Chris Brown’s rage sperm, says he’s aware that Chris Brown has a temper and that if he pulls any shit with Nia or Royalty, or “there will be repercussions”.
Then Royalty came forward and asked if someone would be so kind as to buy her a one-way plane ticket to Canada, so she could get away from this mess and make sure it didn’t follow her.
So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?
TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.
Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.”
Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.
Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.
The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Anti-Lucite super villain Lorenzo Lamas blatantly slandered the Empress of Lucite last month when he filed court papers claiming that she has the parental skills of a dead gnat on Not The Mama June’s Forklift Foot and shouldn’t have joint custody of their three teenage daughters. Lorenzo claimed that Shauna Sand is constantly moving new boy toys into her home and spends her sex tape money on frivolous crap like a Bentley. Lorenzo asked the court to give him primary custody. Their daughters sided with Lorenzo and asked the judge to give him primary custody Well, it was judgement day for Shauna Sand yesterday and she lost. Every day-shift stripper now knows why the platforms of her exquisite Lucite heels shattered yesterday afternoon.
TMZ says that a judge gave primary custody of the three girls to Lorenzo. The girls will live with Lorenzo full-time and the Empress of Lucite gets them every other weekend. The judge made the decision after hearing from their daughters. The three girls, ages 13, 15 and 17, told the judge that their mom is a real-life Miss Hannigan who verbally abuses them by calling them “cunts and bitches.” The daughters also claim that two of them slept on the sofa and one slept by herself in the guesthouse because Shauna rented out their rooms. I know, Beauty of the Millennium AND Mother of the Century.
TMZ says that the Empress of Lucite was in tears when the judge declared their decision and her daughters were happy.
Lorenzo Lamas was in a shitty remake of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea called 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea and in that movie the members of the crew are attached to a brainwashing machine. Now I’m not saying that Lorenzo Lamas somehow got a hold of that totally real brainwashing machine and strapped his daughters to it. I’m just saying that someone should look into that.
But seriously, I’ll pull my head out of Shauna’s Lucite anus and say that this is for the best. Her daughters get to live with their dad, which is what they wanted, and Shauna gets to fully be a landlady to Euro boy toys who will co-star with her in staged fuck scenes for the paps.
When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.
Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.
No-Kind-Of-Mama June’s EXCLUSIVO interview with E! News airs tonight and from what I’ve read, it doesn’t look like she says much besides, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” You know when someone’s full of fat rich lies when they say, “THE TRUTH WILL COME OUT!” Something tells me this “truth” that Mama June speaks of will look a lot like what came out of her ass this morning after she ate her usual breakfast of deep fried sugar cubes and melted butter.
Meanwhile, June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna Cardwell, continued to speak out against her mother’s hurtful, shit decisions in an interview with Entertainment Tonight that airs tomorrow night. Anna says that it hurts her seeing her mom looking like a shiny happy piece of trash while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the convicted pedophile who molested her when she was 8. Anna has talked to June and begged her to not let that monster around 9-year-old Honey Boo Boo and 14-year-old Pumpkin. Anna says that she’s obviously hurt and feels betrayed because her mom chose a pedophile shit dingle over her.
“Uncle Poodle And Pumpkin Have It Out On Social Media” is a Golden Books title I never thought I’d read…
Mama June and her Country Bear Jamboree-named family should probably have it out in a closed therapist’s office before CPS busts through the doors and puts all the chirrun in the custody of a more responsible individual like Glitzy the pig or a jar of old sketti sauce. But since Mama June has proved that she’s full of a lot of things and sense isn’t one of them, she’s not doing that. Instead, they’re airing out their shit-stained, barf-covered laundry all over Facebook and Instagram.
The messiness started last night when Mama June’s daughter, 14-year-old Pumpkin, shanked at the Instagram users who called out her mom as the shittiest parent of the century for dating the convicted pedophile that her own daughter accused of molesting her when she was 8. Instagram is now covered in pumpkin seeds and gunk, because Pumpkin exploded and accused Anna of lying about the molestation and then called out Sugar Bear’s brother Uncle Poodle as the one who started the quick demise of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo by selling fake stories to TMZ because he needs the cash.
All weekend long, TMZ burped up receipt after receipt after receipt that continued to bury the caca river of denials that Mama June shat up after it was reported that she’s been seeing a convicted pedophile who molested her eldest daughter, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, ten years ago. TMZ spit up pictures of Mama June shopping for a place she and her registered sex offender boyfriend Mark McDaniel can play house in and pictures of her allegedly buying a Nissan for the trash who abused her daughter. The rotten, corroded shit cherry on top of the barf berry cake is a picture of June’s Pedobear boyfriend hanging out with Honey Boo Boo. Meanwhile in the Ninth Circle, Lucifer’s minions are busy engraving Mama June’s name on the door that leads to Hell’s special place.