And there’s nine words that’ll mess up a CPS officer’s weekend and make them call their family to say, “You probably won’t be hearing from me for a while. I haven’t been kidnapped, it’s just that Brooke Mueller’s kids are living with her again. Yeah.”
Yesterday, it was reported that the head bitches at The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services were trying to convince Denise Richards to keep Charlie Sheen’s twins, Bob and Max, for just a few more weeks. Denise’s errrrr-ed at their request, because 4-year-old Bob and Max have been terrorizing her dogs and her daughters and she doesn’t know how much more she can take. Well, Denise’s dogs have been saved from getting choked out by a child, because TMZ says that a judge has moved temporary guardianship of the twins from Denise Richards to Brooke’s brother Scott Mueller. Scott lives far away from Brooke and the judge doesn’t want to rip the boys out of their school, so the judge agreed to let him and the boys move in with Brooke. “What a WONDERFUL idea,” said only Brooke and her dealer since she’s going to get that child support money now.
DCFS’ definition of “slow” is different than everyone else’s definition of “slow,” because during their mediation with Denise and Brooke yesterday they said that the plan is to sloooooooowly reintroduce the twins into Brooke’s life before she gets full custody again. And now they’re moving back in. SLOW! So the judge had two options:
1. Let Scott Mueller move the twins into his house and put them in a different school, which might not be the worst idea since they allegedly slapped down their teacher.
2. Let Max and Bob move back in with one of the parents who is responsible for drowning their childhood in a pipe full of dirty crack pipe water and will probably continue to fuck their lives all the way up.
A smart choice by that judge!
I’m just going to say the same exact thing I said when I got on a flight from L.A. to NYC and realized that the three large coffees with extra cream I just downed were starting to turn my asshole into the most terrifying volcano ever: This really isn’t going to end well for everybody involved.
And Charlie responded to the judge’s ruling by saying this:
“This pig circus overflowing with buffoons, sycophants and heretics cannot be trusted to safely raise a colony of ferrets. Brooke will fail and her brother [who lives by the beach] will be selling his ass under a pier and the evil nanny will die from ugly. When, not if, this psychotic and desperately irresponsible sham goes sideways, DCFS will burn to the ground, topped off with the smoldering robe of the judge.”
That’s some “if Shakespeare was a crackhead” shit.
Both TMZ and Radar report that Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards were in court today to try to work out the sad, messy, Lifetime movie situation that is the custody of Brooke and Charlie’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max. The emergency hearing was called after Denise wrote a long letter to the Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services saying that she can no longer take care of the boys, because she never knows when they’ll transform into a zombie-state and try to murder her dogs and beat her daughters. Denise told Child Services that she wanted to take the boys to see a psychologist, but Brooke wouldn’t let her. So Brooke and Denise sat down together to talk it out. Charlie Sheen was invited, but he didn’t show up. You would know if he did, because you would’ve heard about the SWAT Team being called to a court house in L.A. after a dehydrated warlock brought a grenade cake into the building.
TMZ and Radar must’ve had two different flies clinging to the wall in that room, because they have two different stories. TMZ says that it was pretty calm between Brooke and Denise. Dr. Charles Sophy, the medical director of Children and Family Services, mediated the session for four long hours. They were all certified as Captain Obviouses, because they all agree that Bob and Max’s childhood is fucked up from all the drama. Dr. Sophy wants Denise to keep custody of Bob and Max, but told her that it won’t be forever. He wants the twins to go back to Brooke once she’s in the right place and is strong enough to handle them. Brooke currently sees them a couple of times a week and she swears she’s off the bad shit. Charlie isn’t an option for custody. Denise is afraid that Bob and Max will continue to hurt her daughters and she’s pissed that Brooke is stopping her from taking them to see a shrink.
Radar says that shit was far from calm in the room. Brooke came for Denise, because she thinks Denise is trying to make her look like a shit mom. (You tell her, Brooke! How dare Denise make you look like a shit mom. You can do that by yourself, thankyouverymuch!) Radar’s source said:
“Denise told the head honchos of of DCFS she just wanted a smooth transition of the twins back to their mother, Brooke Mueller. Officials were extremely impressed with Denise and her genuine concern and love for the boys. However, Brooke was extremely combative and lashed out at Denise. It came out of nowhere and was extremely inappropriate. It was probably the first time DCFS saw cracks in Brooke’s previously cool demeanor. Brooke was having a temper tantrum because she felt Denise was making her look like a bad mother. Nothing was accomplished at the meeting, except for Denise maintaing that it was time for the boys to leave her house, but she wants it done with the help of the department so all of the kids have closure.”
The source also said that Dr. Sophy wants Denise to take care of the boys for three more weeks and then Brooke will take them.
GOING BACK TO BROOKE?!
Reason #1 for why I am not a social worker: If I was the social worker who had to pick up those kids from Denise’s house and drive them over to Brooke’s to stay with that mess permanently, I’d take a “wrong turn” and end up at the bus station. I’d give those boys an envelope full of money and tell them to take the next bus out of town and never ever look back. I’d also give them an iPod full of Journey’s greatest hits, because that shit’s some good traveling music.
TMZ had a lovely and uplifting (read: the opposite of that shit) story this morning about how Denise Richards told The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services that she can no longer take care of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max, because the boys kick her dogs in the head (Side note: Yes, I went and listened to “You Kicked My Dog” right after reading that), tell her they want to kill her dogs, beat on her daughters and have slapped a teacher at school. The twins are a nightmare come to life and Denise blames it all on Brooke. CPS also has pictures of Bob with a red welt on the side of his face and it apparently showed up after he spent the weekend with Brooke and Brooke’s mom. In case you’re still not sure why the boys of a cracked out, insane warlock with burnt anus lips for brains and a crackhead mess would act like that, here’s another reason why.
Just a day after a judge refused to give Brooke a restraining order against Charlie, he wished the mother of his twin boys a really belated birthday (her birthday’s in August, but he’s on crackhead time so…) by tweeting a picture of a grenade on top of some nasty looking dry ass cake with this touching note:
Yes, celebrate the victory of Brooke not getting a restraining order against you by telling her ass to die. What’s the opposite of winning again? And why does Charlie Sheen act like sucking off an entire Home Depot parking lot is a bad thing?
So, Bob and Max have these two ass warts for parents and now Denise Richards doesn’t want to take care of them anymore. Is Sister Kate’s orphanage still open, because she might be their only hope.
I may or may not have started my day off as June Cleaver. (Okay, I didn’t.) I’m pretty sure June never stole a Kit Kat from Wally and the Beav’s Halloween stash and had to dive into the half bath off the kitchen to shove it in her mouth in order to not get caught using it to stir her coffee. (That shit’s delicious- try it. It’s right up there with using a Red Vine to drink strawberry soda.)
HOWEVER, I’m a rung or two up from Boca Raton’s own Mother of the Year candidate Heather McAuliffe, who, according to the Sun-Sentinel (via Daily Mail), was arrested Thursday after writing an email to her six-year-old son’s teacher, saying she had given him 5 milligrams of her Adderall as an “experiment” and asking the teacher to report back on his behavior. Heather said she crushed the pill up in her son’s yogurt to help him. Cue Dina Lohan reading this thinking, “So??!?? I gave my angelic, beautiful Lindsay Adderall and she turned out just fine!!”
You dumb ho! Sure, some kids have issues but take him to the damn doctor to be properly evaluated instead of giving him your ADHD meds. Christ in a sidecar, you’d think some parenting shit would be so basic that it wouldn’t require specific instructions, but whatever is in Florida’s water supply continues to overshadow common fucking sense.
Part of me kind of hopes Heather jumps her $3,000 bond, so that on an episode of Dog and Beth on the Hunt, Dog Chapman can put his aging action hero run to good use, chasing her down in the Florida humidity, his magnificent corn dog-colored manchichis glistening with sweat. Beth can handcuff Heather, put her in an SUV and lecture her while Beth’s tits take up three quarters of the backseat of a Chevy Suburban.
(Photo: The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Department)
The pumpkin patch kick-off isn’t official until the goddess of Dlisted Phoebe Price shows up, but until then we can make due with these pics of Charlie Sheen and his ex Denise Richards serving up some fall goodness. TMZ has an exclusive on their outing, which included the two sons of Brooke Mueller that Denise somehow has custody of
forever until Brooke gets her shit together and Denise’s adopted daughter Eloise.
On the one hand, the idea of it is sweet, but looking through the pics I see lots of “fml” faces from Denise and a couple of boys who can’t decide whether to run to or run from their daddy. I kid, this is probably the most wholesome thing they’ve done with Charlie since making ho-made crack brownies for the ho-meless (aka The Goddesses).
I can’t believe that Denise turned out to be the mom of the century in all this mess, and I hate life for making me respect her. But there she is, with 3 kids that aren’t biologically hers, and they all look happy and healthy. If she’s Catholic, surely she is up for some sort of sainthood in the future. Charlie looks like a Benjamin Buttons frat boy so basically all is normal in the world.
You can go over to TMZ to see all the pics if you’re that bored on a Sunday morning.
So this is what it would look like if the Fairy Godmother got drunk on fermented apples, got high on pixie dust and accidentally turned a rotten, worm-filled pumpkin into a royal skank instead of turning it into a carriage.
A knocked up Katie Price got sprayed down with bright orange car paint, put on one of Prince Poppycock’s rejected ensembles and threw the carcasses of a dozen Poochie dolls on her head to pose with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler at the launch of her latest literary masterpiece, which will obviously be studied in depth by lit majors at Cambridge. Since Katie’s latest soon-to-be Booker Prize winner is a romance novel, her stripper husband dressed up like a prince complete with a frog mask (it’s weird that he never took it off, right?) and she did herself up like a fried Cheeto covered in cotton candy . The people at the event whose retinas weren’t burnt off by the UV rays shooting off of Katie’s skin were stunned by the classiness and exquisiteness of it all.
In other Katie Price news, she recently got kicked out of a tanning salon because they wouldn’t let her expose her unborn fetus to the UV rays. Katie told the BBC that the salon was obviously just using her name to get some free publicity and there’s nothing wrong with charbroiling your fetus.
“I think there was a tanning shop opening down the road, so she probably wanted press for her one. You can go on sunbeds when you’re pregnant. It’s ridiculous. Look how brown I am. I’ve have just been on holiday. Is the sun bad for you? But anyway, whatever anyone says, it’s my life and I do what I like.”
Katie Price is one hundred percent correct. Her baby will be fine. I’m pretty sure Tan Mom’s mom conceived her in a tanning bed, birthed her in a tanning bed and used a tanning bed as her crib and she turned out fine! Besides, Katie Price does not want to give birth to a pasty white thing so she might as well tan her fetus while it’s lounging in there. Fetuses need something to do.
After a long hard day and night of playing Norma Desmond in a community theater production of Sunset Boulevard, Beyonce didn’t bother taking her costume off when she got into the hot tub with the second coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter. Let’s all scream together, “DEEP FRIED BABY ALERT!” This reminds me….
One time my boyfriend-at-the-moment and I were hanging out in the hot tub of a DoubleTree in Orlando and a chick with a baby, who couldn’t have been more than 2 years old, was in there with us. After a little while, another mom type got into the hot tub and it didn’t take her long to say in a passive-aggressive adorable voice, “Awww, that wittle baby is boiling up.” The boxing bell rang and popcorn in a waterproof tub dropped from the sky in front of us, because the hot tub showdown was about to begin. The mom with the baby pretended she didn’t hear anything and so the other mom shot another round when she asked, “Isn’t your baby uncomfortable in here?” The mom with the baby punched back with, “It’s not even that hot in here.” (Honestly, it was kind of that hot in there. My eyelashes were started to sweat, but I didn’t say anything. I was merely an audience member and not a player. I was not about to break the fourth wall.) Their fight was kind of like a symphony. It started out slow and then it swelled into them yelling at each other.
The mom with the baby kept screaming “Mind your business! Mind your business!” and the other mom screamed, “Read the sign! No children under 12 allowed. It’s not just there for decoration!” We finally got out of the hot tub when the baby started crying and my boyfriend whispered in my ear, “I’m afraid that baby’s going to shit.” Nothing will make you shoot out of a hot tub like the words, “That baby is going to shit!“
Anyway, so here’s a picture Beyonce posted on her Tumblr of her and BIC in a hot tub while on vacation. I’m sure BIC is fine. That’s not hot water. It’s lukewarm champagne mixed with the room temp tears of Michelle Williams. Besides, I’m sure Blue Ivy Carter was only in there long enough for Beyonce to get a totally casual photo of her and BIC being all casual and stuff.
And here’s a few more pictures of Beyonce airing out her vacation weave.
While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards’ arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller’s house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!
According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule’s schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn’t want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie’s lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke’s scheme. Brooke’s lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.
TMZ’s source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn’t want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.
Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let’s see…. The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There’s clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn’t hand over $55,000 every month, she’ll text her this picture every morning:
Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise’s only response would be, “What’s your account and routing number?”
And here’s pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.
Denise Richards better be showing Brooke Mueller an episode of The World According To Paris (aka TWAT P) on her phone and telling that mess to look at her life choices.
Radar says that socials workers from Children and Family Services in L.A. have yanked Brooke Mueller’s twins, Bob and Max, out of her care and not only because she wears jeans like that out in public. Brooke Mueller is still hooked on the bad shit and I guess those judgy social workers think that it’s wrong to let her kids play with her used crack pipe, so away the twins went. Since Charlie Sheen is a disaster himself and shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a piece of dried up foreskin, the twins were given to Denise Richards AGAIN. Radar’s source said this about the whole mess:
“Brooke was given many opportunities by social workers to clean up her act. Social workers felt that Bob and Max weren’t safe in Brooke’s care. The decision was made late on Thursday afternoon, and the boys are no longer in Brooke’s care. It’s expected at some point the boys will be taken care of by Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, Denise Richards, who has cared for them in the past when Brooke went to rehab. She (Richards) loves the boys & their safety and well being mean everything to her. Bob & Max are safe & that is all the matters. Denise is simply complying with the court order.”
Who knew that the former robot call girl would turn out to be a savior to all of Charlie Sheen’s kids and transform her house into an orphanage for mistreated and down-and-out Sheen kids? Denise Richards should take care of Charlie Sheen’s adopted crackhead daughter Lindsay Lohan next. Denise is obviously a good parent, because I’m guessing she’s the one who taught that little girl how to throw a side-eye that all the kids in the playground will run from.
Here’s pictures from last year of messy ass Brooke and Denise hanging out in Malibu. Yes, I’ve already gotten on my knees and worshiped the peroxide and neon beauty in the background.
Last week, Teen Mom Farrah went on Dr. Phil and she was such a delusional mound of dumb that she made Dr. Phil look like an honest, reasonable and intelligent human being by comparison. And yesterday, Teen Mom Farrah almost made Teen Mom Jenelle look like the better parent (I say “almost” because that “Ke$hit is my idol” thing is unforgivable) when she brought her 3-year-old daughter to her sex tape negotiations. Yes, that’s inappropriate as shit, but maybe Teen Mom Farrah brought her kid, because she realized that she’s dumber than dumb and a 3-year-old is better at negotiating than she is. Although, that’s not saying much since the tonsil stone I just coughed up is probably a better negotiator than Farrah.
TMZ caught (read: Farrah called them) Teen Mom Farrah going into Vivid’s offices in Studio City, CA yesterday to find out how much they’re going to pay her for the video of her getting it from James Deen’s small peen (her stupid ass words, not mine). Farrah told TMZ that she’s gotten so much positive feedback from the video and she’s looking at several offers. Farrah brought her dad and daughter to the meeting, because she needed their support.
Steve Hirsch, the head bitch of Vivid, told TMZ that yeah he thought it was weird that Farrah brought her kid, but the little girl was coloring in the waiting room while Farrah was in the meeting with her dad.
Call me a damn prude, but when I’m in the offices of a porn studio and telling them that I’m going to need an extra $50,000 if they’re going to use the shot of James Deen busting one on my eyelids, the last thing I want to see is my dad nodding at me like, “Yeah, you tell them!” But that’s just me.
And I hate Steve Hirsch for saying that the gorgeous Tan Mom doesn’t have a face for porn, but I hate Teen Mom Farrah more for making Steve Hirsch look like the voice of reason.
Here’s Teen Mom Farrah wearing your auntie’s favorite yard sale hunting cap at LAX on Saturday.