It’s been a busy week for the celebrity unit of CPS Los Angeles. First, they started an investigation into Brad Pitt’s alleged bad daddy situation, and now they’re looking at Chris Brown. One would think that child services opened a case the moment they heard the words “Chris Brown is a father“, but this is the first time he’s being investigated. Although if you ask him, there is no investigation.
And It’s Getting A Lot Messier: Brad Pitt Is Being Investigated For Child Abuse (UPDATE: The FBI Reportedly Has The Case)
Well, now the Brangelina divorce drama has gone from rumors about Brad Pitt being a mean stoner and passing his wandering fondue-covered peen to Marion Cotillard and Russian whores, and has made sharp turn into the muddy, shit-covered roads of Johnny Depp/Amber Heard territory. But instead of Brad being accused of abusing Angelina Jolie, he’s being accused of verbally and physically abusing his children.
Catholic Mel Gibson once again summoned side-eyes from strict Catholic abuelitas everywhere by making a baby with a woman he isn’t married to. 60-year-old Mad Mel’s angry grizzly man jizz knocked up his 26-year-old equestrian vaulter/aspiring screenwriter girlfriend of 2 years Rosalind Ross. Rosalind will pop out the latest member of Mad Mel’s child army early next year. Mel’s rep confirmed the news to People. All of the 60-something people I know or have known want to spend their days burping themselves after their 6th beer and they don’t want to spend their days burping a baby. But a source tells People that Mad Mel can’t wait for his new baby to show up.
“Mel and Rose are so excited about the baby. Mel loves being a dad and he and Rose can’t wait to be parents together. The last two years have been some of his happiest years he’s ever had.”
Mad Mel has 7 kids with his ex-wife Robyn Moore, and as everyone knows, he has an almost-7-year-old daughter with Oksana Grigorieva. Mel’s oldest is 36. His knocked-up piece is younger than 5 of his 8 kids.
And before every family court judge in Los Angeles left for the weekend, they got together and took bets as to how long before Rosalind and Mad Mel are in one their court rooms fighting over child support money. They all probably bet around 6 months, but they’re hoping the answer is never, because they really don’t want to hear another recording of Mel scream-whining about how Rosalind needs to blow him as he pours gasoline on the floor.
Hmmm… Based on the Anthony Weiner dick pics I’ve seen, I’d say that he’s not giving himself enough credit and should widen those digits a bit. Unless he’s describing the size of his brain, and if that’s the case, he needs to bring that finger closer to that thumb.
The New York Post says that Anthony Weiner learned the hard way (or judging by the pic, the semi-soft way) that before you take a picture of your dick bulge for your Twitter ho, make sure your kid is out of the room first. The Administration for Children’s Services has reportedly put Anthony Weiner’s name on a case folder and have officially started an investigation into his skills as a stay-at-home daddy.
On Saturday, Keshia Knight Pulliam reminded everyone that the situation with her soon-to-be ex-husband/father of her unborn baby Ed Hartwell was still 100% awful by alleging in divorce documents that he has been “plotting to harm” her and their baby. Rudy Huxtable didn’t get into the specifics of Ed’s alleged plot; only that he was trying to “obstruct her pregnancy” and was planning to use “underhanded and unusual conduct” to trigger a miscarriage. She also mentioned that Ed has access to guns. Ed is now telling his side and says that everyone can stop sending Rudy blueprints for an in-womb panic room. Ed says he’s not plotting against their unborn baby.
The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.
Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:
“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”
This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.
The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.