The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.
Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:
“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”
This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.
The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.
When we last left the High Priestess of the Illuminati, she was screaming “SEXISM!”, over the media blaming her sad, messy clown and horny, desperate drunk memaw acts on booze. Well, now Madonna is getting balls of flaming shit thrown at her for exposing a 17-year-old nipple to thousands of people and telling the girl, “You can do the same to me…. Do you want to make my hole big again?” while pointing to her crotch. “Um, hey, I was just calling to see if you needed an extra back-up singer for your tour” is probably what R. Kelly said while leaving a message on Madge’s voicemail today.
Between wishing death upon her Twitter followers and declaring that she’s going to start a race war, self-proclaimed grandmaster troll of all trolls Tila Teqila somehow finds the time to raise an actual living and breathing human. You know, the living and breathing human she did up as Hitler. You’d think that Child Protective Services would always have an eye on Tila’s baby since they’d have a pop-up office set up in front of her house. But they don’t and the dude who made the decision to bust a raw load of baby batter up into Tila Tequila says that he’s worried about their child and wants custody.
This mess of a story is coming from Life & Style (via Radar), so it should be taken with an entire Morton Salt factory, but then again, this is the Duggars we’re talking about and we all know that when all else fails, they shoot out another baby.
According to sources, Josh Duggar and his wife Anna Duggar bareback boned their way to a baby while he’s in a Christian rehab facility for his supposed addiction to boning. Anybody with a working brain is probably wondering what kind of rehab facility lets you get into the addiction you’re being treated for? Well, maybe the counselors let Josh and Anna hump on each other for the benefit of the other fuck addicts in there. I mean, hearing Josh Duggar’s fuck moans would shrivel up anybody’s genitals and keep them off of ass forever.
The source says that Anna and Josh’s Christian rehab fuck party led to her getting knocked up with their 5th child. Anna is supposedly telling everyone that the Band-Aid baby in her womb is God’s way of telling her that she should stay with the child-touching rotten gourd.
“Anna announced that she thinks she is pregnant again. She believes the baby is a sign that God has forgiven Josh for his many sins, and she’s vowed to stand by her husband.”
Um, I have a feeling that if God was going to send Anna Duggar a sign, that sign would look like this:
I’m sure that if it’s true, that child will feel so special when they learn that their brainwashed mother and their dried smegma ball of a father made them in the rehab facility where their dad was banished to after he had rough sex with porn stars. And I won’t believe this until I get a sign from the fame whore Gods and what I mean by that is I won’t believe it until I see a commercial for TLC’s new show 1 Band-Aid Baby And Counting starring Anna Duggar.
If for some reason someone asks what me Twitter is for, I’m going to show them the fight between Backdoor Farrah and Nicki Minaj. Because that’s what Twitter is for. It’s a place for messy tricks to fight for favorites, or likes, or hearts, or whatever the hell we’re calling it now.
It all started when Nicki called Farrah a “cunt” while watching Teen Mom. Backdoor Farrah jumped in and they tweet slapped at each other for a little bit before Nicki tapped out. Backdoor Farrah continued to fight by herself, and yesterday she solidified herself as a serious contender for Parent of the Decade when she got her 6-year-old daughter Sophia Abraham to trash talk Nicki on Twitter.
For those of you who don’t have kids, you should be warned that this clip may speed up your biological clock, because there’s some really heartwarming about watching a little girl say the words her piece of trash mom made her say on the Twitter account her piece of trash mom set up for attention. I feel like I missed out a little as a child, because my mom never used me to fight her stupid battles for her. I’ll bring that up with her the next time I get drunk and decide to share my ~feelings~.
— Sophia Abraham (@SophiaLAbraham) January 12, 2016
Yeah, Backdoor Farrah made her 6-year-old call someone a loser on Twitter. Little Sophia should’ve gotten the Donald Trump campaign to sponsor that tweet, because her future therapy bills are already adding up and she’s going to need the money. Speaking of Trump, Farrah making her child call someone a loser tells me that she should be his running mate. Trump/Abraham 2016!
It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.
The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.
Two strange things have happened: 1. Terry Richardson jizzed up into someone’s body instead of all over their face while taking their picture. 2. The ovary of that someone he jizzed up into didn’t immediately pull down its security gate and slap a “WE HAVED MOVED! NO FORWARDING ADDRESS!” sign on it as soon as it saw Uncle Terry’s nasty sperm fishes swimming toward it. I thought all women were born with that protective gene. I guess not. Because Page Six says that soon, the humanized skid mark on a pair of crunchy American Apparel chonies is going to be a father to an actual human being. SANTO DIOS!
That “help me” side-eye says everything that needs to be said and the post should probably end here.
Chris Brown’s custody/money fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Royalty, has come to an end and he got everything he wanted and she got everything she didn’t want. TMZ says that Nia Guzman was fighting for sole custody. She wanted Chris to only get supervised visits and she also wanted $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in Houston popped that dream bubble hovering above Nia’s head.
This morning, the judge declared that Chris and Nia will share 50/50 custody of Royalty, which means the child will be shuffled back and forth between her daddy’s house and her mommy’s house every 4 days. Chris and Nia both live in L.A. right now. And Nia can go ahead and stop negotiating the lease on a brand new Bentley and she can stop shopping for an upgraded condo, because she’s not getting that $15,000 a month. The judge ordered that Chris Brown has to pay her the same amount he’s currently paying her: $2,500 a month.
Well, since Royalty will be living with Chris Brown half of the time, his gang member friends can teach her some gang signs which she can show her little classmates during kindergarten show-and-tell in a few years. So there’s that.
But really, since it’s Friday and there’s a fully stocked bong calling my name, I’m going to try to think positively. Chris Brown has proven time and time again that he’s an oozing foreskin pimple that shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi, but maybe being a full-time father will soften his violent asshole ways. Miracles do happen! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twins. It looked like their future was seriously bleak for a while, but I haven’t really heard anything about them lately, so maybe their parents finally got their shit together? (Cut to Charlie and Brooke’s twins living a happy, healthy life in the mountains with their new family, the wolves, while their parents haven’t even realized that they’re gone.)
The Duggars don’t have a reality shit show anymore, but those creepy wrecks have a reason to celebrate. They have added another baby girl to their army who will grow up to live a fulfilling life and by that I mean she’ll grow up to take care of the next batch of babies her fetus machine mom will pop out.
People says that admitted child toucher and owner of one of the most punchable faces in America, Josh Duggar, and his wife Anna Duggar are parents for the fourth time. 27-year-old Josh and 27-year-old have a 5-year-old daughter named Mackynzie, a 4-year-old son named Michael and a 2-year-old son named Marcus. I guess that Josh and Anna ignored the restraining order I threw at them on behalf of the letter M, because they are continuing to terrorize the letter M the same way Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar terrorized the letter J. They have named their newest daughter Meredith Grace Duggar. They should’ve named the poor child MyGodWhy Duggar since that’s probably what she thought after finding out that she’s related to those messes.
Josh also tweeted this picture of poor Meredith:
— Josh Duggar (@joshduggar) July 19, 2015
That’s a “Why the hell me?” side-eye that only a baby girl whose father is Josh Duggar could throw.