In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!
Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.
“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”
I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!
I should’ve known that Slutoween is amateur hour for Courtney Stodden and is the one night of the year when she fully covers up her beach ball chichis and doesn’t wear a dress that’s the size of a Barbie maxipad. This year, the Porn Iguana did herself up as a sleazy drunk creep who sort of looks like a middle-aged James Franco in a no-budget remake of the Beastie Boys’ video for Sabotage. That French manicure really pulls the whole look together.
Back in September, Meryl Streep signed up for Education Connection, because as soon as she watched the riveting video of Courtney Stodden giving an emotionally raw monologue as a cracked out hooker, she realized she should look for a back-up career. On Halloween, Courtney once again proved that she’s not a Porn Iguana, she’s a Porn Chameleon, because she can magically transform into any role. She posted a few videos of her performing as her alter ego “Jack Auf.”
And somewhere, someone is fapping to that and that someone is probably Doug Hutchison’s sucio ass.
Pimp Mama Kris just lost any respect she had for Courtney Stodden’s mom Krista Keller. Krista will never be invited to the Pimp Mama’s Ball again, because pimps don’t quit and pimps really don’t regret turning their moneymakers out.
The only reason why the Porn Iguana is sort of famous is because she married Doug Hutchison when she was 16 and he was 51. Krista signed off on the marriage, became Courtney’s pimp and moved to Hollywood where she milked her daughter’s marriage for as much attention as possible. But the pimping came to an end last May when Krista “resigned” as her daughter’s manager. Krista supposedly didn’t like that Courtney did porn. Now Krista is saying that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let her daughter marry Doug.
In honor of the Porn Iguana’s 21st birthday, Krista ran her mouth over to Radar where she said that she and her daughter aren’t speaking and “external influences” are keeping them apart.
“Courtney is turning 21 and this will be the first time in my life that I have not been with my daughter on her birthday. Things are still very icy between us and I have not talked to her since she and I went our separate ways. I believe there are external influences without any names being said. I do not believe mothers and daughters should be separated.”
I disagree with her about that “mothers and daughters shouldn’t be separated” part. Courtney probably should’ve been separated from her mother at birth.
You know how Krista said she wasn’t going to name names? Well, she named names. Specifically, Doug’s name.
“I think that if a husband can see that there are problems between his wife and her mother I believe he should stay out of the situation. There are some really horrible things that he has done to me since she and I have not been speaking that will be very hard to ever forget about.
I do take full responsibility, however because I am the one that did sign the paper for her to marry this man. If I had to do it all over again I cannot tell you if I would be signing that paper.”
I can see why Krista has regrets. If she would’ve waited, she may have been able to sell her daughter to a richer man and then she wouldn’t have to pay her rent by talking to Radar. Rookie mistake.
As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.
If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.
If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.
“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.
I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”
But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?
Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.
If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.
Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.
But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!
Sorry, GEICO Gecko, but it looks like 20-year-old Courtney Stodden will take over your spot at the top of Forbes’ list of the richest lizards on the planet.
Everyone should go outside (WARNING: If you’re a blogger, use caution when doing so, because the outside air may shock your system.), open up their arms wide and smile at the sky while feeling grateful for living in a world where a gorgeous iguana who is only famous for being the child bride of some creep-faced E-liser can make a million dollars for her fap tape.
TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment has offered Courtney $1 million for that tape of her doing herself. To put that number into perspective, OctoMom was paid only five-figures (plus royalties) for the solo porn that is one of my favorite slapstick (more like slapclit) comedies of all-time. Backdoor Farrah reportedly also got five-figures (plus royalties) to get poon fisted and butt boned on camera.
Steve Hirsch of Vivid said that Courtney’s deal also includes royalties so she could make more than a million dollars:
When TMZ broke the story that the 20-year-old’s solo vid was getting shopped around … Hirsch said he was impressed by what he’d seen. Now we know just how impressed.
Hirsch fired off a letter to Courtney offering her $1 million to lock up exclusive rights. The letter hints at bonuses … saying there’s potential for her to make even more than the mil.
The thing is, Courtney could’ve easily conned Vivid. All she had to do was shoot a life-sized Barbie doll rubbing its plastic crotch and say it’s her. Nobody would know the difference. Before you say that we would know the difference, because we’d notice word “Mattel” on her back, I have to tell you that you’re wrong. Because I’m pretty sure Courtney has that on her back too.
And by “everyone” I mean the sucio tricks who regularly check YouTube for iguana mating videos.
Ever since all-natural pristine dew drop Courtney Stodden turned 18, everyone has been waiting for her clearance section Dina Lohan of a mom and her ICP out-of-makeup-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison to pimp her out in porn. Well, it took two years, but they finally did it. A “source” tells TMZ that the 20-year-old Porn Iguana shot a tape of her finger banging her lizard twat and the video is currently being peddled to the highest bidder. A story about a fame whore making a sex tape isn’t complete without humanized dried cum stain Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment piping in, so of course he told TMZ that he’s seen it and it’s “unique.”
Hirsch confirms he’s already seen the video, and reveals it’s a solo effort (think Octomom, but hotter) — sorry, Doug Hutchison fans. He also says the DD photo op queen “looks amazing, this is the most unique footage I’ve ever seen.”
As for whether Vivid’s bidding on the tape — Hirsch wouldn’t tip his hand.
Is “unique” porn hype talk for “really fucking boring“? “Unique” could mean so many things. Does the Porn Iguana fuck herself with a celery stalk before nibbling on it? Does she do herself with a dildo while singing a porn remix of her pop masterpiece “Don’t Put It On Me, Girl” called “Please Put It In Me, Girl”? Or does she do something truly shocking like read a few chapters of War and Peace while sipping lavender tea?
I’m just grateful that Doug Hutchison isn’t in it. If he was, I’d have to watch it and I’m gross enough to find a way to fap to that. Afterward, I’d have to sit at the bottom of an extra long Silkwood Shower to wash away the image of him slamming his Silly Putty slug body against her Real Doll body. And we’re in a drought! So I thank the Porn Iguana for not going there, yet.
And if Marilyn Monroe hasn’t done her grave rolling exercises today, here’s a few pictures from Courtney’s Instagram that will inspire her to do so:
Remember last year when the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison (aka the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our time) broke up and you immediately dumped your piece because love obviously didn’t exist and we were all destined to be ALONE? The cherubs immediately got in line at the unemployment office because they knew that their job was a lie. Well, call up your piece and beg them back, because love has risen from the ashes now that the half-melted Dollar Tree iguana toy and the prolapsed vagina-faced creep who brought her are back together again. Rejoice! Love lives!
Courtney Stodden’s shameless pimp of a mother, Krista Keller, tells FOX411 that since breaking up with Tooms, her daughter has “experienced other men” and what she means by that is she tried to sell her off to a few 90-year-old millionaires but the best offer she got was a wilted head of lettuce and an opened bag of iguana food. So the Porn Iguana realized that she belongs with the leech who looks like a botched circumcision.
“Courtney realized just how much love she really had for Doug. They really love each other and wanted to be together.
When I signed that [marriage certificate], I think moms sometimes know their daughters and I’m very very happy for them that she’s made this choice again for herself.”
During the Couples Therapy reunion, which shot recently, the Porn Iguana and Creepy Doug announced that they’re back together and are engaged. These messes are still married, so now they’re an engaged married couple? Just like the Porn Iguana’s entire existence, that doesn’t make any sense. But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the sanctity of marriage is restored. If two STUNT QUEEN fame whores who got married for publicity, faked their split for publicity and are getting back together for publicity can make it, any of us can make it.
Dourtney has his family back! (“Bitch, you say that like it’s a good thing.” – Dourtney)
It’s been approximately 134 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes, 5 seconds and 12 milliseconds since I’ve posted about the pristine drew drop gracefully sitting on Hollywood’s petal, Courtney Stodden, and I know all of our dehydrated eyeballs have been parched for a taste of her all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty. (By the way, all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty tastes like old man ball sweat, lead-based car paint, expired candle wax, watermelon kiwi butt lube and foam insulation.) Well, the Porn Iguana FINALLY came out of hiding (Question: Can you go into hiding when nobody’s really checking for you?) today to do charitable work like the Mother Theresa of fame whores that she is. Courtney wrapped her signature lettuce bikini around her non-LEED certified plastic titty balls to pass out veggie hot dogs for PETA on Capitol Hill in DC. Salmonella has never looked so elegant.
It’s good that the Porn Iguana is spending time in the city she’ll live in one day since she’s obviously going to be President or some shit. The Porn Iguana isn’t only in DC to suck off a veggie dog in front of a camera and call it charity, she’s also there to make political contacts. And by “make political contacts” I mean she’ll let the janitor of a junior senator’s office titty fuck her in the bathroom of the IHOP on 14th. You have to get your political start somewhere and I’m pretty sure all of our Presidents started out like that.
This stunning portrait that is probably giving you the vapors will finally prove that America needs a monarchy and our King and Queen needs to be Gary Busey and Courtney Stodden, because they are a couple who is dignity and grace personified! Get on your knees and bow! Actually, you’re probably already on your knees, because that picture scared the shit out of you and you’re praying to Jesus to cleanse your eyes.
While some nothing, who cares event called the Oscars was happening at some piece of trash, low-budget venue called The Dolby Theater in Hollywood, a much more illustrious and important event called the
Annual Night of Zero Stars 24th Annual Night of 100 Stars happened in the Banquet Hall of a Quality Inn in Beverly Hills. The glittery jewels of Hollywood were all there. The Porn Iguana! Gary Busey! Brenda Dickson! Adrienne Maloof! And a hot piece who looks like a Siegfried Fischbacher statue made out of fried bologna!
Okay, the Porn Iguana and Gary Busey aren’t a real couple. If they were, we’d all know, because the stars would fall from the sky to be closer to them and your phone would immediately auto-correct to this picture every time you typed the word “love.” Besides, their love could never be, because her balloon tits would pop every time Gary flashed his horse-teeth-on-roids at them.
And fully take in the Porn Iguana’s “generic Barbie bought on Clearance at the 99 Cent store and left in a dirt patch in the backyard where it halfway melted and became a spider’s nest” beauty.