Actually, this is more like “grandpa issues.”
See, now you know why you keep a stash of moist towelettes from the lunch place your ass orders from in the bottom drawer of your desk. You’re going need them to wipe away this image of the Porn Iguana and a creepy Fred Willard-looking ass skeeze from your eyeballs. It’s the only way to stop the burning.
When Courtney Stodden dropped the human PedoBear Doug Hutchison, she said that she just wanted to be a regular 19-year-old and do regular 19-year-old shit. I thought that meant that she was planning to throw her body on a pile of naked hot pieces covered in drugs. You know, normal 19-year-old shit. (Although, I spent my 19th year on earth hoping to throw my body on a pile of naked hot pieces while trolling for and failing to find available peen on Gay.com.) Well, I guess Courtney’s definition of “regular 19-year-old shit” is injecting foam insulation into her lips, shopping for exquisite lingerie dresses on Hollywood Blvd. and hanging around 53-year-old oldies who always have that “Aren’t you going to finish that drink I made you?” look in their eyes.
The Porn Iguana went to some event in Studio City, CA last night with 53-year-old publicist Edward Lozzi. This all made sense to me when I read that ole’ dude here used to hump on Anna Nicole Smith and Lana Clarkson, the actress that Phil Spector murdered. If Edward has some gold, then I say, work that shovel and dig, bitch, dig. But doing a dude who once did Anna Nicole and Lana Clarkson? That dick is like the bell that summons the Grim Reaper. Run, Porn Iguana, run and while you’re running stop in the nearest plastic surgery clinica to get those red sea tits fixed. There’s not many things that are more tragic than a pair of fighting plastic titty domes who want to be as far away from each other as possible.
On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.
The wine tumblers of romantics everywhere overflowed with the tears of angel kittens when the news broke last week that everybody’s favorite couple, Dough (typo stays) Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden were ending their marriage. After two years, countless barf-inducing appearances and Courtney’s morph into a future Caption This Contest photo, she pulled the marital butt plug, reportedly leaving Dough (I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose) heartbroken.
Radar is forcefully breathing life into the two people on the planet who give two shits or a piss if these crazy kids make it work, saying the two were seen at Hollywood’s Musso & Frank’s Thursday night, a move not at all orchestrated for publicity.
“Courtney and Doug were all over each other at the restaurant, acting like they always did when they were together,” an eyewitness exclusively told Radar.
“Doug told people in the restaurant that he and Courtney were back together and working it out.”
According to the eyewitness, Stodden and Hutchison remained cuddled up their booth all night, but didn’t hesitate to talk and take photos with fans who noticed their presence.
“They were hot and heavy in that booth!” the source said.
“It’s obvious how much Doug wants to be with Courtney, and I’m not sure if it’s completely reciprocated…but I think she’ll stay with him for the time being because she can’t get enough of the attention they get as a couple.”
This hit me right in the feels. Nothing says love quite like letting some old, greasy dude paw you while you look around to see who’s watching, right? This is right up there with Romeo and Juliet, if Juliet was a fame hungry piece of plastic with the mental fortitude of the contents of a rock quarry and Romeo was completing his transformation into a banana slug dressed up for Halloween as k.d. lang.
Afterward, Courtney and Doug probably went home, where she tottered off with Dourtney on her wannabe Shauna Sand hooker heels to Google herself in her well-appointed Hello Kitty room, while Doug retreated to the garage to contemplate man’s existential dilemma while restocking the candy supply in his windowless van.
When all of the cherubs flew into the sun after hearing that the human (??) symbol of true love, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, are over, most of us picked ourselves up off the floor, scrubbed the dried tears off of our cheeks and screamed to the sky, “But what about DOURTNEY?!” The Porn Iguana and her melted Fred Durst-looking ass husband have answered our question today. They released a statement to The Daily Mail today confirming that she’s decided that wants to be free (read: do porn) and explore life (read: explore peens that aren’t attached to Doug) and he’s letting her do that, because she was starting to get too old for him anyway. Or maybe this is all just another publicity stunt for her to get a reality shit show. I don’t know. But more importantly, they’re sharing custody of Dourtney.
Dogs haven’t yet evolved to the point where they can release their own statements in human words. But if they could, Dourtney would probably release his own statement saying that he wished a bobcat and a coyote shared custody of him instead of these two. I don’t mean that. Obviously the Porn Iguana is the epitome of maternal elegance.
Whoever (read: every bitch with a brain) said that a love between a teenage porn iguana and a creepy PedoBear in a human costume would never last, was sadly telling the truth, because The Daily Mail says that after two years of marriage, Courtney Stodden has the left the mound of foreskins that her pimp mom sold her to when she was 16. Don’t try to talk True Love off the edge, because it knows and we know, that it’s dead and shit, it never existed in the first place! Now you know why The New York Times will run an obituary for True Love later today.
The Daily Mail says that last night, the Porn Igauna threw a Slutoween party in her Hollywood Hills house, but Doug Hutchison wasn’t there. A source says Courtney is the one who pounded her marriage dead with her new medicine ball titties and that Doug’s heart broke into a million pieces. The source went on to say that when Courtney was in the Celebrity Big Brother house in London, she realized that life was so much better without a used suppository with legs following her around. A different source tells Radar that Doug and Courtney are keeping the break-up news to themselves for right now, because she’s currently trying to sell a dating reality show starring her (they can call it Porn Iguana of Love) :
“Doug knew he was taking a risk with the marriage, but he genuinely feel in love with Courtney and didn’t realize how much his life would be changed after they got married. She is branching out and doing her own thing and Doug is getting left behind.”
Everything with Courtney and Doug is so contrived, but he wasn’t with her at her Halloween party and she’s always doing things by herself lately. He just isn’t part of the scene anymore now. They’ll probably stage a photo opp just to pretend they’re still together though.”
Yeah, Courtney and Doug were just an arranged publicity stunt and this break up is probably just another STUNT QUEEN move to get all of us talking about their messy asses again, but this is still devastating news and I’m sure I’ll see you all at church where we’ll light a candle for True Love.
And more importantly, who is going to get custody of DOURTNEY?!
Since they supposedly broke up, does that mean they have to break up Dourtney’s name too? Are they going to call him Doug or Courtney? So many questions. My weekend is ruined.
Since Courtney Stodden obviously doesn’t have half a fuck to give about the condition of her own fun bags, she is spending all that extra energy to care about yours! Here she is, at the Fashion Minga LA event, sporting her
painful purple breasts for fashion and to remind you to get your shit checked if you’re of the female persuasion. Just looking at these pics makes me cradle and knead my boobs tenderly, so it’s working. Thank you Courtney for your selfless devotion to our collective titty health!
According to its website, Fashion Minga ”is a collaboration of designers, performers, and tastemakers coming together to celebrate the various components that inspire fashion: music, dance, color, shape and visual elements.” There’s also a pink ribbon to let you know that they’re all about breast cancer awareness. That all sounds really good except for the “tastemakers” part and I don’t want to know what the fuck that is, especially as it relates to Courtney, so please just leave me to my ignorance. And give me a chaser just in case.
Let the porn iguana and her new totally natural and not at all back alley looking Fix-A-Flat lips carry you far far away! Far away from your puny existence as a human breasted/lipped plebe who doesn’t sport swizzle stick legs and a creepy mutated sweaty toad of a husband and into her world of pure glamour. AND CHECK YO BOOBEHS! Amen.
Here’s toppling mass of silicone Courtney Stodden taking in a movie at the Arclight in LA. Those warped fugazi titties are taking her over! Body AND soul! They want to drive! They want to match! They scoff at that cheap spandex! They’re going to blow this whole thing sky-high! They’re saying “fuck this airhead bitch! She’s going to have to stand skewed and need a handrail! We’re going to pop off her head and just grow a new one if we deem it necessary! It won’t be any dumber than the current one!”
It might not be her tits. It could be whatever mood-enhancer Tooms regularly stuffs down her throat to keep her docile is making her into a slutty Jenga tower.
That’s actually a trick question. It’s like asking: Which one exudes the most natural elegance? The answer is BOTH!
If the whole “being the most exquisitely stunning porn iguana in the world” thing doesn’t work out for her, Courtney Stodden should join Cirque du Holeil, because she can walk on 12 inch stilts while balancing a pair of 50 pound medicine ball titties. That is talent! As her burn victim clown-looking husband was at home trolling the Internet for his next child bride since the porn iguana is obviously going to leave his ass soon for a European prince who is looking for the next Grace Kelly, she went to SUR in West Hollywood, CA to nibble on wet lettuce as her wrecking ball (Note: Please DO NOT Photoshop a naked Miley on Courtney’s tits, nobody needs that) chichis kept knocking over the salt and pepper on the table.
Just when I think that the porn iguana couldn’t be anymore graceful or demure, she outdoes herself by wearing a luxurious recycling trash bag dress and a spray painted gold bamboo fence choker. And that lip liner! Lip liner is the 9″ hard dick of beauty products. It makes me cry tears of happiness while feeling things.
And these pictures are where elegance goes when it needs inspiration.
The pride of America Courtney Stodden (on the left, I think) and transgender antiques prodigy Lauren Harries (on the right, I think) bonded over their love of drugstore lipstick, peroxide and illegal silicone injections in the Celebrity Big Brother house and so they’re filming a reality shit show together in Britain right now. In Britain, the law states that the only way you can get clearance to shoot a reality show is if the first scene shows two dozed off, broke off, tattered messes stumbling out of a bar with their microwaved salami areolas peeking out. So the porn iguana and the porn iguana’s future got so shit-faced last night that they had to be carried to their hotel by a dude who was trying his hardest not to touch Courtney’s Madball tits, which is pretty much impossible since bitch is all weave and plastic chichis.
The porn iguana’s creepy husband Doug Hutchison didn’t party with her in London last night, because he was too busy scaring the innocence out of children in Northampton. So while the gross, nasty, bloated pimp cat is away, the mouse will get drunk to forget the fact that she’s put her lips on the cat’s sleeping slug dick. This is probably the most normal I’ve ever seen the porn iguana act.
It’s almost like looking at my Friday night. Well, this is just like my Friday night if you replace those bruises with dried lonely tear drops and the transgender antiques prodigy with a dog who is over it.
I already love these two wrecks together. They’re like a well-adjusted, graceful and fresh version of Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah!
After three weeks of flirting with Mario Falcone from TOWIE and making viewers clutch at their nipples in pain by flashing her purple tits of doom, Courtney Stodden was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house in London last night. The Porn Iguana and the human disco ball Louie Spence were the sixth and seventh hos to be kicked out of the house. Pure elegance has left the building!
While wearing a stunning shade of lipstick in Pepto-Bismol barf pink and a ratty nest of weaves that gave her that fresh “I got attacked by rabid raccoons during an outdoor orgy” look, Courtney told CBB host Emma Willis that she was hoping she would be kicked out of the house. Courtney wanted to explain herself for flirting with Mario. Courtney said that Doug has nothing to worry about. She’s still the Anna Nicole to Doug Hutchison’s broke down, busted, Dollar Tree J. Howard Marshall. Being away from Doug for three weeks didn’t un-brainwash her.
Earlier this week, Courtney and Mario were forced to be handcuffed together and the cameras caught her hand caressing his hand and vice versa. Courtney told Emma that their hands weren’t making sweet love to each other, “We were touching hands and it was out of boredom. I wouldn’t be doing that if I had feelings for him.”
The Daily Mail says that Doug bought Courtney’s explanation and he smiled from the front row while holding a bunch of balloons. It was very sweet and thoughtful of Doug to bring Courtney balloons. Because it looks like the overstuffed plastic bags in her chest are going to explode any minute, so she’s going to need replacements.