I say “touching,” because you may want to touch your tonsils while heaving after imagining Santa Claus using his cinnamon tongue to work an egg nog geyser out of Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden delivered a last-minute Christmas ditty (“You spelled ‘dooty’ wrong.” – a HATER) for you to add to your holiday playlist. Courtney’s Mistletoe Bikini is sort of like a Hustler Magazine reboot of Santa Baby. Courtney takes her grandaddy issues to the North Pole when she yodels about being Santa’s side ho ho ho. After Santa slides into Courtney’s DMs on Twitter, he slides his candy cane down her crotch chimney. I know I brought it upon myself, but my Christmas was ruined about five seconds ago after realizing that I was writing Santa and Porn Iguana fanfic.
I put the video after a cut because it auto-plays and the fact that it auto-plays isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the rest of the video from Santa’s beard looking like it just had a date with Ray-J to Mrs. Claus looking like a jaundice-stricken Grinch in bad drag.
Two seconds after this picture was taken, a volunteer mistook Courtney Stodden for a life-sized Christmas Angel Precious Moments figurine that someone donated and threw her into a box. The child who gets her for Christmas is so lucky.
Like most of us do, The Porn Iguana went to a charity toy drive done up like the North Pole side-piece that Santa does doggy style behind his toy shop. Everyone who was at the 9th Annual Babes In Toyland Charity Drive in Hollywood last night, got the priceless holiday gift of Courtney’s jumbo-sized plastic Christmas tree balls, nearly exposed holly jolly nipples and her coochie-looking belly button. Because of her powdery face and red-tipped nose, she is giving off “Michael Jackson as the gorgeous love child of Pamela Anderson and Rudolph.”
And Courtney’s look is the ultimate Christmas look, because her spectacular chichi domes look like the heads of the Baby Jesus and Baby Santa snuggling together on Christmas Night.
Speaking of Barbie…
The city of Beverly Hills temporarily became the holy epicenter of organic elegance last night when Penthouse Barbie (on the right) posed with Real Doll Skipper (on the left) at an exclusive event. It’s actually a miracle that picture was able to be taken. Because any mere mortal would immediately pass out backwards as soon as they saw the MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE WORLD, Shauna Sand, touch the second MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE WORLD, Courtney Stodden. That picture must’ve been taken with an iPhone on a tripod that was cemented to the floor.
Not since Courtney Stodden and Phoebe Price cracked camera lenses with their piping hot glamorous poses has there been such an iconic pairing of sophistication, gorgeousness and gentility. The Porn Iguana posted this stunningly important work of art on Instagram, and I’m sure the Uffizi Museum in Florence is trying to contact her. Because I bet that they want to replace Botticelli’s Birth of Venus with this. Who need some lady standing in your grandma’s shell soap dish when you can have these non-biodegradable goddesses! The Porn Iguana and The Empress of Lucite are like the Barbi Twins as seen through the eyes of GOD!
I would tape that picture to the ceiling above my bed, but every morning, I’d have a heart attack from being exposed to that much all-natural beauty and I don’t think my dog can learn how to use a defibrillator.
And here’s the Porn Iguana delivering more raw demureness while posing with some of Marilyn Monroe’s old stuff at that event last night.
It’s been three weeks since Courtney Stodden announced that she suffered a miscarriage and since then, she’s been mourning the loss of her baby all over social media. And last night, she told her Instagram followers in a video that she wanted to step into a “new chapter” of her life fresh and to her that meant shaving her head as a symbolic gesture to the baby she lost. Many people shave their head as a way of starting anew (like the time I stupidly bleached every ounce of life outta my hair and made the decision to shave my head and start a new chapter where my mop didn’t look like an overused yellow Chore Boy.) But Courtney’s video made me wanna either call 1-800-CHZ-GRTS (that’s Daddy Spears’ help line) or scream for Dourtney to get his human some support and help.
Just a little under two weeks ago, Courtney Stodden, the second closest thing to our modern day Aphrodite (Shauna Sand being the closet thing, of course), took her growing fetus dome out for a good old-fashioned strut on the pap stroll, and she also recently posted a picture of her bare bump on Instagram. But sadly, sometime last week Courtney had a miscarriage. Courtney’s manager Gina Rodriguez gave this statement to the media last night:
“It is with a heavy heart to inform you that last week Courtney Stodden suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Courtney and her husband, Doug, are at an emotional loss for words and are using this time to grieve with their close family and friends. Please respect their privacy as the couple try to cope with losing their precious baby and seek the support they both need.”
A quick minute after Doug Hutchison’s sperm fish humped into one of Courtney’s ovary eggs, she announced the news of her first pregnancy before the iguana piss on the pee stick was even dry. Courtney said that she was only 4 weeks, but that she was forced to announce the news because someone leaked it. That was back in mid-May. So if I do the math (“Please don’t without help from an adult.” – every math teacher I’ve had), Courtney was around 12 weeks.
Courtney confirmed the sad news that she lost her baby, the one she was hoping would be a gayby, on Twitter last night:
I love you my sweet angel
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016
God is embracing you ❤️
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016
On another note, Gina Rodriguez is Courtney Stodden’s rep? I know that The CW doesn’t exactly have HBO money, but are they not paying Jane The Virgin enough?
Everything I know about being pregnant has come from movies and television, and one thing that I always remember is from Full House when a knocked up Aunt Becky put headphones on her stomach. I guess so that her and Uncle Jesse’s spawn would be into music or something? What I’m trying to get at is, it’s my understanding that when you’re pregnant, you can teach babies to like stuff while they’re still in the womb. Courtney Stodden obviously thinks this too. Yesterday she strutted around in some truly elegant maternity wear for the paps, in what is clearly an attempt to teach the baby living inside her what getting attention is. Like mommy, like baby!
Courtney and a friend were papped “shopping” for maternity clothes at A Pea in the Pod. I say “shopping“, because there’s no way Courtney actually found anything she wanted to buy in there. The last time I checked, A Pea in the Pod didn’t carry second-trimester g-strings, latex tube tops, or pregnancy-safe coochie glitter. Once again, Courtney is showing her baby how it’s done. You don’t need a good reason to call the paps, you just need a reason.
The teaching continued inside the store, when Courtney’s friend gave a master class in, well, class, by stripping down to her underwear and bending over for the paps.
Unfortunately, I think the in utero lessons only apply when it’s your baby. Nice try though, Courtney’s friend. Here’s more of a pregnant Courtney working her baby bump in some truly gorgeous heels for the paps yesterday.