Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.
If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.
Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.
But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!
Sorry, GEICO Gecko, but it looks like 20-year-old Courtney Stodden will take over your spot at the top of Forbes’ list of the richest lizards on the planet.
Everyone should go outside (WARNING: If you’re a blogger, use caution when doing so, because the outside air may shock your system.), open up their arms wide and smile at the sky while feeling grateful for living in a world where a gorgeous iguana who is only famous for being the child bride of some creep-faced E-liser can make a million dollars for her fap tape.
TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment has offered Courtney $1 million for that tape of her doing herself. To put that number into perspective, OctoMom was paid only five-figures (plus royalties) for the solo porn that is one of my favorite slapstick (more like slapclit) comedies of all-time. Backdoor Farrah reportedly also got five-figures (plus royalties) to get poon fisted and butt boned on camera.
Steve Hirsch of Vivid said that Courtney’s deal also includes royalties so she could make more than a million dollars:
When TMZ broke the story that the 20-year-old’s solo vid was getting shopped around … Hirsch said he was impressed by what he’d seen. Now we know just how impressed.
Hirsch fired off a letter to Courtney offering her $1 million to lock up exclusive rights. The letter hints at bonuses … saying there’s potential for her to make even more than the mil.
The thing is, Courtney could’ve easily conned Vivid. All she had to do was shoot a life-sized Barbie doll rubbing its plastic crotch and say it’s her. Nobody would know the difference. Before you say that we would know the difference, because we’d notice word “Mattel” on her back, I have to tell you that you’re wrong. Because I’m pretty sure Courtney has that on her back too.
And by “everyone” I mean the sucio tricks who regularly check YouTube for iguana mating videos.
Ever since all-natural pristine dew drop Courtney Stodden turned 18, everyone has been waiting for her clearance section Dina Lohan of a mom and her ICP out-of-makeup-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison to pimp her out in porn. Well, it took two years, but they finally did it. A “source” tells TMZ that the 20-year-old Porn Iguana shot a tape of her finger banging her lizard twat and the video is currently being peddled to the highest bidder. A story about a fame whore making a sex tape isn’t complete without humanized dried cum stain Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment piping in, so of course he told TMZ that he’s seen it and it’s “unique.”
Hirsch confirms he’s already seen the video, and reveals it’s a solo effort (think Octomom, but hotter) — sorry, Doug Hutchison fans. He also says the DD photo op queen “looks amazing, this is the most unique footage I’ve ever seen.”
As for whether Vivid’s bidding on the tape — Hirsch wouldn’t tip his hand.
Is “unique” porn hype talk for “really fucking boring“? “Unique” could mean so many things. Does the Porn Iguana fuck herself with a celery stalk before nibbling on it? Does she do herself with a dildo while singing a porn remix of her pop masterpiece “Don’t Put It On Me, Girl” called “Please Put It In Me, Girl”? Or does she do something truly shocking like read a few chapters of War and Peace while sipping lavender tea?
I’m just grateful that Doug Hutchison isn’t in it. If he was, I’d have to watch it and I’m gross enough to find a way to fap to that. Afterward, I’d have to sit at the bottom of an extra long Silkwood Shower to wash away the image of him slamming his Silly Putty slug body against her Real Doll body. And we’re in a drought! So I thank the Porn Iguana for not going there, yet.
And if Marilyn Monroe hasn’t done her grave rolling exercises today, here’s a few pictures from Courtney’s Instagram that will inspire her to do so:
Remember last year when the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison (aka the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our time) broke up and you immediately dumped your piece because love obviously didn’t exist and we were all destined to be ALONE? The cherubs immediately got in line at the unemployment office because they knew that their job was a lie. Well, call up your piece and beg them back, because love has risen from the ashes now that the half-melted Dollar Tree iguana toy and the prolapsed vagina-faced creep who brought her are back together again. Rejoice! Love lives!
Courtney Stodden’s shameless pimp of a mother, Krista Keller, tells FOX411 that since breaking up with Tooms, her daughter has “experienced other men” and what she means by that is she tried to sell her off to a few 90-year-old millionaires but the best offer she got was a wilted head of lettuce and an opened bag of iguana food. So the Porn Iguana realized that she belongs with the leech who looks like a botched circumcision.
“Courtney realized just how much love she really had for Doug. They really love each other and wanted to be together.
When I signed that [marriage certificate], I think moms sometimes know their daughters and I’m very very happy for them that she’s made this choice again for herself.”
During the Couples Therapy reunion, which shot recently, the Porn Iguana and Creepy Doug announced that they’re back together and are engaged. These messes are still married, so now they’re an engaged married couple? Just like the Porn Iguana’s entire existence, that doesn’t make any sense. But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the sanctity of marriage is restored. If two STUNT QUEEN fame whores who got married for publicity, faked their split for publicity and are getting back together for publicity can make it, any of us can make it.
Dourtney has his family back! (“Bitch, you say that like it’s a good thing.” – Dourtney)
It’s been approximately 134 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes, 5 seconds and 12 milliseconds since I’ve posted about the pristine drew drop gracefully sitting on Hollywood’s petal, Courtney Stodden, and I know all of our dehydrated eyeballs have been parched for a taste of her all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty. (By the way, all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty tastes like old man ball sweat, lead-based car paint, expired candle wax, watermelon kiwi butt lube and foam insulation.) Well, the Porn Iguana FINALLY came out of hiding (Question: Can you go into hiding when nobody’s really checking for you?) today to do charitable work like the Mother Theresa of fame whores that she is. Courtney wrapped her signature lettuce bikini around her non-LEED certified plastic titty balls to pass out veggie hot dogs for PETA on Capitol Hill in DC. Salmonella has never looked so elegant.
It’s good that the Porn Iguana is spending time in the city she’ll live in one day since she’s obviously going to be President or some shit. The Porn Iguana isn’t only in DC to suck off a veggie dog in front of a camera and call it charity, she’s also there to make political contacts. And by “make political contacts” I mean she’ll let the janitor of a junior senator’s office titty fuck her in the bathroom of the IHOP on 14th. You have to get your political start somewhere and I’m pretty sure all of our Presidents started out like that.
This stunning portrait that is probably giving you the vapors will finally prove that America needs a monarchy and our King and Queen needs to be Gary Busey and Courtney Stodden, because they are a couple who is dignity and grace personified! Get on your knees and bow! Actually, you’re probably already on your knees, because that picture scared the shit out of you and you’re praying to Jesus to cleanse your eyes.
While some nothing, who cares event called the Oscars was happening at some piece of trash, low-budget venue called The Dolby Theater in Hollywood, a much more illustrious and important event called the
Annual Night of Zero Stars 24th Annual Night of 100 Stars happened in the Banquet Hall of a Quality Inn in Beverly Hills. The glittery jewels of Hollywood were all there. The Porn Iguana! Gary Busey! Brenda Dickson! Adrienne Maloof! And a hot piece who looks like a Siegfried Fischbacher statue made out of fried bologna!
Okay, the Porn Iguana and Gary Busey aren’t a real couple. If they were, we’d all know, because the stars would fall from the sky to be closer to them and your phone would immediately auto-correct to this picture every time you typed the word “love.” Besides, their love could never be, because her balloon tits would pop every time Gary flashed his horse-teeth-on-roids at them.
And fully take in the Porn Iguana’s “generic Barbie bought on Clearance at the 99 Cent store and left in a dirt patch in the backyard where it halfway melted and became a spider’s nest” beauty.
Sometimes when you nail the “come hither” look, the sky opens up, the birds start singing, angels begin to fellate each other and all is right with the world until you wake up next to coyote ugly the next morning. Courtney Stodden’s attempt at an alluring side-eye is the exact opposite. It’s why the entire Midwest is facing hypothermia, the birds all crashed into windows to end it all and the angels are claiming they all have headaches and aren’t putting out. There’s not enough “Hey there, big boy” and too much “I’ll get you, my pretty“. It IS a slight upgrade from her usual painted, plumped and pursed hemorrhoid lips. The boobs are also on point if her life in the spotlight doesn’t work out. She can use them to carry out plates of Moons Over My Hammy to the drunken late night Denny’s crowd.
Courtney has come a long way since she married Dough Hutchinson at the age of 16. The hooker heels are higher and the attempts at garnering attention are scarier but she might have learned something about love (or read it on a bathroom wall- it’s kind of a toss-up). She gave a statement to Fox411 in response to Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson’s comments about marrying girls who are 15 or 16 years old:
“I don’t agree with Mr. Robertson,” Stodden told FOX411. “I think people should marry who they love, and not marry based on age.“
If that sentiment ever gets changed to “what they love”, you’re all invited to witness the nuptials between me and onion rings.
You’re going to want to still be drunk from last night or in a really good place with yourself mentally and emotionally before you watch Courtney Stodden at the first annual WOWie Awards. The last thing we need is everyone racing off, green with envy to book a consult with Dr. Michael Niccole. This was her first public appearance since splitting with Dough Hutchinson and who needs Beyonce’s 394-track feminist power album that even this guy downloaded when Courtney is around to show us all how to move on from a relationship in a healthy, well-adjusted manner? Nothing screams “I’m happy and getting back to me” quite like showing up in public with boobs that clearly don’t want to be seen with each other and a tangled mess of hair (???) that looks like it was dug out of the 10 for $10 bin of extensions at a flea market.
Once you get past the visual assault and the appearances by
Tina Yothers Courtney’s mom and the second runner up in an Adam Lambert lookalike contest, go back a second time and just watch Courtney’s mouth open and close rhythmically as she moves along, eyesexing the cameras. It’s oddly soothing, kind of like watching fish in an aquarium.
Actually, this is more like “grandpa issues.”
See, now you know why you keep a stash of moist towelettes from the lunch place your ass orders from in the bottom drawer of your desk. You’re going need them to wipe away this image of the Porn Iguana and a creepy Fred Willard-looking ass skeeze from your eyeballs. It’s the only way to stop the burning.
When Courtney Stodden dropped the human PedoBear Doug Hutchison, she said that she just wanted to be a regular 19-year-old and do regular 19-year-old shit. I thought that meant that she was planning to throw her body on a pile of naked hot pieces covered in drugs. You know, normal 19-year-old shit. (Although, I spent my 19th year on earth hoping to throw my body on a pile of naked hot pieces while trolling for and failing to find available peen on Gay.com.) Well, I guess Courtney’s definition of “regular 19-year-old shit” is injecting foam insulation into her lips, shopping for exquisite lingerie dresses on Hollywood Blvd. and hanging around 53-year-old oldies who always have that “Aren’t you going to finish that drink I made you?” look in their eyes.
The Porn Iguana went to some event in Studio City, CA last night with 53-year-old publicist Edward Lozzi. This all made sense to me when I read that ole’ dude here used to hump on Anna Nicole Smith and Lana Clarkson, the actress that Phil Spector murdered. If Edward has some gold, then I say, work that shovel and dig, bitch, dig. But doing a dude who once did Anna Nicole and Lana Clarkson? That dick is like the bell that summons the Grim Reaper. Run, Porn Iguana, run and while you’re running stop in the nearest plastic surgery clinica to get those red sea tits fixed. There’s not many things that are more tragic than a pair of fighting plastic titty domes who want to be as far away from each other as possible.
On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.