It’s been just over a year since Courtney Stodden announced she was officially done with her creepy husband Doug Hutchison. But before she starts dating another man who remembers tuning into the pilot episode of Cheers and the taste of New Coke, she’s got to get divorced first. That is, if either of them can even afford it.
Laura Benanti, Cecily Strong, whoever Melania Trump’s double is and every other actress who has contorted her face into the “constipated while sucking on a lemon” position to play the First Lady can go ahead and hang up her pussy bow blouse and hurricane heels, because Courtney Stodden has got this.
The Met Gala is going down tonight, so right now, many “glam squads” are slathering celebrities in multi-million dollar jewels, couture gowns worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, makeup made from blended tiger fetuses and weaves spun from gold. They can try all they want but they won’t ever come close to touching the natural glamour, beauty and perfection that Shauna Sand and Courtney Stodden delivered in Las Vegas over the weekend. And it didn’t take a glam squad and $150,000 gowns to turn them into twin pillars of immaculate gorgeousness. It just took an old dress bought at Angelyne’s garage sale, a hot pink cover-up bought at a stripper store in a Tampa mini-mall, a gallon of lead-based paint in shade burnt sienna (for Shauna), a sack of generic brand flour (for Courtney) and drugstore makeup, which they put on their faces in the gas station bathroom a block from the venue. Who needs a dumb glam squad when you’ve got natural beauty and a discounted tube of Wet N Wild lipstick?
It’s been over three years since Pope Francis announced that the Catholic church was dissolving all marriages. At the time, Pope Francis said that the sanctity of marriage obviously doesn’t exist if a creep-faced creeper and his teen bride can’t make it. Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison broke up, but a few months later, they proved that true love always prevails and they announced that they were back together. Prepare for the Pope to announce the death of marriage once again. Because at OK! Magazine’s pre-Grammy party last night, Courtney told Entertainment Tonight that she and Doug are as separated as her right tit and left tit. In other words, they’re beyond separated.
22-year-old Courtney and 56-year-old Doug split up two months ago, but they’re still living together. UsWeekly also posted a picture of the pristine dew drop hugging on some dude at OK!’s party.
When Courtney and her make-up-less clown of a husband broke up the first time, it felt one hundred percent real and not at all staged. It also feels real this time and I’m sure they’re not just pretending to be broken up so that Courtney can pitch a dating show to Vh1 called Porn Iguana of Love. And Courtney really should’ve dropped Creepy Doug a long time ago. She’s the Marilyn Monroe, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Jayne Mansfield of our time, so she should be on her third husband by now. At least.
I say “touching,” because you may want to touch your tonsils while heaving after imagining Santa Claus using his cinnamon tongue to work an egg nog geyser out of Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden delivered a last-minute Christmas ditty (“You spelled ‘dooty’ wrong.” – a HATER) for you to add to your holiday playlist. Courtney’s Mistletoe Bikini is sort of like a Hustler Magazine reboot of Santa Baby. Courtney takes her grandaddy issues to the North Pole when she yodels about being Santa’s side ho ho ho. After Santa slides into Courtney’s DMs on Twitter, he slides his candy cane down her crotch chimney. I know I brought it upon myself, but my Christmas was ruined about five seconds ago after realizing that I was writing Santa and Porn Iguana fanfic.
I put the video after a cut because it auto-plays and the fact that it auto-plays isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the rest of the video from Santa’s beard looking like it just had a date with Ray-J to Mrs. Claus looking like a jaundice-stricken Grinch in bad drag.
Two seconds after this picture was taken, a volunteer mistook Courtney Stodden for a life-sized Christmas Angel Precious Moments figurine that someone donated and threw her into a box. The child who gets her for Christmas is so lucky.
Like most of us do, The Porn Iguana went to a charity toy drive done up like the North Pole side-piece that Santa does doggy style behind his toy shop. Everyone who was at the 9th Annual Babes In Toyland Charity Drive in Hollywood last night, got the priceless holiday gift of Courtney’s jumbo-sized plastic Christmas tree balls, nearly exposed holly jolly nipples and her coochie-looking belly button. Because of her powdery face and red-tipped nose, she is giving off “Michael Jackson as the gorgeous love child of Pamela Anderson and Rudolph.”
And Courtney’s look is the ultimate Christmas look, because her spectacular chichi domes look like the heads of the Baby Jesus and Baby Santa snuggling together on Christmas Night.