The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.
Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:
“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”
This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.
The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.
And judging by that SANS FARDS picture of the aftermath, Courtney Stodden also summoned the spirit of Angelica Pickles’ busted down Cynthia doll. Because The Porn Iguana definitely looks like Angelica Pickles used her to beat Tommy in the head before running over her with a tricycle.
Last night, the air in Southern California smelled like burnt plastic, and I figured that one of the Kartrashians farted again. But now I know what really happened. When you’re Courtney Stodden and you mix together massive amounts of Trader Joe’s wine, dark magic and a thirst for likes, you end up with a crispy fried rayon weave. Courtney and her purple rhinestone of a friend Sham Ibrahim held a seance on Periscope last night and tried to get Michael Jackson’s spirit to moonwalk into their presence. It worked, because Ghost Michael Jackson busted out a reboot of his Pepsi commercial on Courtney’s head:
Maybe that wasn’t the spirit of Michael Jackson at all. Maybe it was Lucifer who took that open portal into Courtney’s house because he was coming to drag one of his minions, Doug Hutchison, down into the underworld with him. Or maybe it was Marilyn Monroe slapping at The Porn Iguana for wet scooting over her image time and time again. Yeah, that has to be it.
Lifetime, television for train wrecks and their admirers, really reached deep up into the universe (read: reached down deep into the bottom of the barrel) and pulled out the brightest stars (read: whoever was desperate enough for a check) for their newest reality show masterpiece The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition, which starts on March 1st. This mess has become the latest show to completely change the meaning of “celebrity.”
Lifetime has also stolen Vh1’s schtick by pretending like they’ve made a serious show about therapy and healing when they really just made a show about a bunch of crazy bitches fighting with each other while locked up in a house.
This mess stars an all-star cast including Heidi Montag, Courtney Stodden, Shar Jackson, Jessica Canseco, Natalie Nunn (aka the daughter of Mac Tonight who was in the Bad Girls Club) and Kim Richards (who probably shouldn’t be doing another reality shit show, but whatever). A therapist named Dr. Debbie tries to fix their fucked-up relationship with their mother or daughter. But we all know that they’re really there to bring the fake drama for the cameras.
They probably got a bonus for every tear they pushed out of their overly Botoxed faces, because there’s a lot of Botox tears in this trailer:
That show is trashy, gross, an embarrassment to humanity and I will watch every episode twice. And I’m surprised Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah aren’t in this. I mean, they’re apparently back to hating each other. Lifetime probably couldn’t afford LiLo’s usual out-call day rate.
And I see you spreading your mouth lips to wet heave into your palm……because Courtney Stodden’s natural beauty is too much for you to take, of course.
With so much heartbreak and sadness in this world, it should warm the core of your cold soul knowing that the love between creepy-faced Doug Hutchison and his teenage bride turned Real Doll Courtney Stodden lives on even after their fake break-up. Marriages are eating shit left and right, but we can always count on Doug and The Porn Iguana to keep love alive by stage kissing in front of a paparazzo who only showed up because he has some time to kill before he has to take pictures of Ashley Tisdale walking to her car.
On a positive note, Courtney IS the most talented trick in Hollywood and she never ever gets the credit she deserves. Just look at her. She’s balancing on a hooker stilt while holding up two concrete ball chichis as she kisses on a gross make-up-less clown. I’d like to see Meryl Streep do that.
In Greek mythology there’s a story about how Artemis, the goddess of wild animals, protested against wool by sticking her silicone bag chichis out while dressed up like a day-shift hooker Little Bo Beep. So when I saw these pictures of Courtney Stodden doing just that on Hollywood Blvd. yesterday, I knew that she is the Artemis of our time!
Seen above looking like she’s trying to piss but is too fucked up on Xanax to make a tinkle, the Porn Iguana protested for PETA by posing in front of the paps while wearing a Little Ho Peep costume. Courtney said at the photo-op that everyone needs to stop buying wool, because many sheep are abused during shearling.
“Every wool sweater or scarf means a lifetime of suffering for a beautiful, gentle sheep. My friends at PETA and I urge everyone to leave wool on the rack this winter!”
I feel like the Porn Iguana has worn wool before… If she has, I’m sure it’s because a sheep shaved the wool off of its own body and gave it to her. It wanted its wool to touch the body of a saint and natural goddess!
I should’ve known that Slutoween is amateur hour for Courtney Stodden and is the one night of the year when she fully covers up her beach ball chichis and doesn’t wear a dress that’s the size of a Barbie maxipad. This year, the Porn Iguana did herself up as a sleazy drunk creep who sort of looks like a middle-aged James Franco in a no-budget remake of the Beastie Boys’ video for Sabotage. That French manicure really pulls the whole look together.
Back in September, Meryl Streep signed up for Education Connection, because as soon as she watched the riveting video of Courtney Stodden giving an emotionally raw monologue as a cracked out hooker, she realized she should look for a back-up career. On Halloween, Courtney once again proved that she’s not a Porn Iguana, she’s a Porn Chameleon, because she can magically transform into any role. She posted a few videos of her performing as her alter ego “Jack Auf.”
And somewhere, someone is fapping to that and that someone is probably Doug Hutchison’s sucio ass.
Pimp Mama Kris just lost any respect she had for Courtney Stodden’s mom Krista Keller. Krista will never be invited to the Pimp Mama’s Ball again, because pimps don’t quit and pimps really don’t regret turning their moneymakers out.
The only reason why the Porn Iguana is sort of famous is because she married Doug Hutchison when she was 16 and he was 51. Krista signed off on the marriage, became Courtney’s pimp and moved to Hollywood where she milked her daughter’s marriage for as much attention as possible. But the pimping came to an end last May when Krista “resigned” as her daughter’s manager. Krista supposedly didn’t like that Courtney did porn. Now Krista is saying that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let her daughter marry Doug.
In honor of the Porn Iguana’s 21st birthday, Krista ran her mouth over to Radar where she said that she and her daughter aren’t speaking and “external influences” are keeping them apart.
“Courtney is turning 21 and this will be the first time in my life that I have not been with my daughter on her birthday. Things are still very icy between us and I have not talked to her since she and I went our separate ways. I believe there are external influences without any names being said. I do not believe mothers and daughters should be separated.”
I disagree with her about that “mothers and daughters shouldn’t be separated” part. Courtney probably should’ve been separated from her mother at birth.
You know how Krista said she wasn’t going to name names? Well, she named names. Specifically, Doug’s name.
“I think that if a husband can see that there are problems between his wife and her mother I believe he should stay out of the situation. There are some really horrible things that he has done to me since she and I have not been speaking that will be very hard to ever forget about.
I do take full responsibility, however because I am the one that did sign the paper for her to marry this man. If I had to do it all over again I cannot tell you if I would be signing that paper.”
I can see why Krista has regrets. If she would’ve waited, she may have been able to sell her daughter to a richer man and then she wouldn’t have to pay her rent by talking to Radar. Rookie mistake.
As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.
If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.
If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.
“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.
I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”
But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?
Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.
If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.
Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.
But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!
Sorry, GEICO Gecko, but it looks like 20-year-old Courtney Stodden will take over your spot at the top of Forbes’ list of the richest lizards on the planet.
Everyone should go outside (WARNING: If you’re a blogger, use caution when doing so, because the outside air may shock your system.), open up their arms wide and smile at the sky while feeling grateful for living in a world where a gorgeous iguana who is only famous for being the child bride of some creep-faced E-liser can make a million dollars for her fap tape.
TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment has offered Courtney $1 million for that tape of her doing herself. To put that number into perspective, OctoMom was paid only five-figures (plus royalties) for the solo porn that is one of my favorite slapstick (more like slapclit) comedies of all-time. Backdoor Farrah reportedly also got five-figures (plus royalties) to get poon fisted and butt boned on camera.
Steve Hirsch of Vivid said that Courtney’s deal also includes royalties so she could make more than a million dollars:
When TMZ broke the story that the 20-year-old’s solo vid was getting shopped around … Hirsch said he was impressed by what he’d seen. Now we know just how impressed.
Hirsch fired off a letter to Courtney offering her $1 million to lock up exclusive rights. The letter hints at bonuses … saying there’s potential for her to make even more than the mil.
The thing is, Courtney could’ve easily conned Vivid. All she had to do was shoot a life-sized Barbie doll rubbing its plastic crotch and say it’s her. Nobody would know the difference. Before you say that we would know the difference, because we’d notice word “Mattel” on her back, I have to tell you that you’re wrong. Because I’m pretty sure Courtney has that on her back too.