It’s been approximately 134 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes, 5 seconds and 12 milliseconds since I’ve posted about the pristine drew drop gracefully sitting on Hollywood’s petal, Courtney Stodden, and I know all of our dehydrated eyeballs have been parched for a taste of her all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty. (By the way, all-natural grace and raw amphibian beauty tastes like old man ball sweat, lead-based car paint, expired candle wax, watermelon kiwi butt lube and foam insulation.) Well, the Porn Iguana FINALLY came out of hiding (Question: Can you go into hiding when nobody’s really checking for you?) today to do charitable work like the Mother Theresa of fame whores that she is. Courtney wrapped her signature lettuce bikini around her non-LEED certified plastic titty balls to pass out veggie hot dogs for PETA on Capitol Hill in DC. Salmonella has never looked so elegant.
It’s good that the Porn Iguana is spending time in the city she’ll live in one day since she’s obviously going to be President or some shit. The Porn Iguana isn’t only in DC to suck off a veggie dog in front of a camera and call it charity, she’s also there to make political contacts. And by “make political contacts” I mean she’ll let the janitor of a junior senator’s office titty fuck her in the bathroom of the IHOP on 14th. You have to get your political start somewhere and I’m pretty sure all of our Presidents started out like that.
This stunning portrait that is probably giving you the vapors will finally prove that America needs a monarchy and our King and Queen needs to be Gary Busey and Courtney Stodden, because they are a couple who is dignity and grace personified! Get on your knees and bow! Actually, you’re probably already on your knees, because that picture scared the shit out of you and you’re praying to Jesus to cleanse your eyes.
While some nothing, who cares event called the Oscars was happening at some piece of trash, low-budget venue called The Dolby Theater in Hollywood, a much more illustrious and important event called the
Annual Night of Zero Stars 24th Annual Night of 100 Stars happened in the Banquet Hall of a Quality Inn in Beverly Hills. The glittery jewels of Hollywood were all there. The Porn Iguana! Gary Busey! Brenda Dickson! Adrienne Maloof! And a hot piece who looks like a Siegfried Fischbacher statue made out of fried bologna!
Okay, the Porn Iguana and Gary Busey aren’t a real couple. If they were, we’d all know, because the stars would fall from the sky to be closer to them and your phone would immediately auto-correct to this picture every time you typed the word “love.” Besides, their love could never be, because her balloon tits would pop every time Gary flashed his horse-teeth-on-roids at them.
And fully take in the Porn Iguana’s “generic Barbie bought on Clearance at the 99 Cent store and left in a dirt patch in the backyard where it halfway melted and became a spider’s nest” beauty.
Sometimes when you nail the “come hither” look, the sky opens up, the birds start singing, angels begin to fellate each other and all is right with the world until you wake up next to coyote ugly the next morning. Courtney Stodden’s attempt at an alluring side-eye is the exact opposite. It’s why the entire Midwest is facing hypothermia, the birds all crashed into windows to end it all and the angels are claiming they all have headaches and aren’t putting out. There’s not enough “Hey there, big boy” and too much “I’ll get you, my pretty“. It IS a slight upgrade from her usual painted, plumped and pursed hemorrhoid lips. The boobs are also on point if her life in the spotlight doesn’t work out. She can use them to carry out plates of Moons Over My Hammy to the drunken late night Denny’s crowd.
Courtney has come a long way since she married Dough Hutchinson at the age of 16. The hooker heels are higher and the attempts at garnering attention are scarier but she might have learned something about love (or read it on a bathroom wall- it’s kind of a toss-up). She gave a statement to Fox411 in response to Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson’s comments about marrying girls who are 15 or 16 years old:
“I don’t agree with Mr. Robertson,” Stodden told FOX411. “I think people should marry who they love, and not marry based on age.“
If that sentiment ever gets changed to “what they love”, you’re all invited to witness the nuptials between me and onion rings.
You’re going to want to still be drunk from last night or in a really good place with yourself mentally and emotionally before you watch Courtney Stodden at the first annual WOWie Awards. The last thing we need is everyone racing off, green with envy to book a consult with Dr. Michael Niccole. This was her first public appearance since splitting with Dough Hutchinson and who needs Beyonce’s 394-track feminist power album that even this guy downloaded when Courtney is around to show us all how to move on from a relationship in a healthy, well-adjusted manner? Nothing screams “I’m happy and getting back to me” quite like showing up in public with boobs that clearly don’t want to be seen with each other and a tangled mess of hair (???) that looks like it was dug out of the 10 for $10 bin of extensions at a flea market.
Once you get past the visual assault and the appearances by
Tina Yothers Courtney’s mom and the second runner up in an Adam Lambert lookalike contest, go back a second time and just watch Courtney’s mouth open and close rhythmically as she moves along, eyesexing the cameras. It’s oddly soothing, kind of like watching fish in an aquarium.
Actually, this is more like “grandpa issues.”
See, now you know why you keep a stash of moist towelettes from the lunch place your ass orders from in the bottom drawer of your desk. You’re going need them to wipe away this image of the Porn Iguana and a creepy Fred Willard-looking ass skeeze from your eyeballs. It’s the only way to stop the burning.
When Courtney Stodden dropped the human PedoBear Doug Hutchison, she said that she just wanted to be a regular 19-year-old and do regular 19-year-old shit. I thought that meant that she was planning to throw her body on a pile of naked hot pieces covered in drugs. You know, normal 19-year-old shit. (Although, I spent my 19th year on earth hoping to throw my body on a pile of naked hot pieces while trolling for and failing to find available peen on Gay.com.) Well, I guess Courtney’s definition of “regular 19-year-old shit” is injecting foam insulation into her lips, shopping for exquisite lingerie dresses on Hollywood Blvd. and hanging around 53-year-old oldies who always have that “Aren’t you going to finish that drink I made you?” look in their eyes.
The Porn Iguana went to some event in Studio City, CA last night with 53-year-old publicist Edward Lozzi. This all made sense to me when I read that ole’ dude here used to hump on Anna Nicole Smith and Lana Clarkson, the actress that Phil Spector murdered. If Edward has some gold, then I say, work that shovel and dig, bitch, dig. But doing a dude who once did Anna Nicole and Lana Clarkson? That dick is like the bell that summons the Grim Reaper. Run, Porn Iguana, run and while you’re running stop in the nearest plastic surgery clinica to get those red sea tits fixed. There’s not many things that are more tragic than a pair of fighting plastic titty domes who want to be as far away from each other as possible.
On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.
The wine tumblers of romantics everywhere overflowed with the tears of angel kittens when the news broke last week that everybody’s favorite couple, Dough (typo stays) Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden were ending their marriage. After two years, countless barf-inducing appearances and Courtney’s morph into a future Caption This Contest photo, she pulled the marital butt plug, reportedly leaving Dough (I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose) heartbroken.
Radar is forcefully breathing life into the two people on the planet who give two shits or a piss if these crazy kids make it work, saying the two were seen at Hollywood’s Musso & Frank’s Thursday night, a move not at all orchestrated for publicity.
“Courtney and Doug were all over each other at the restaurant, acting like they always did when they were together,” an eyewitness exclusively told Radar.
“Doug told people in the restaurant that he and Courtney were back together and working it out.”
According to the eyewitness, Stodden and Hutchison remained cuddled up their booth all night, but didn’t hesitate to talk and take photos with fans who noticed their presence.
“They were hot and heavy in that booth!” the source said.
“It’s obvious how much Doug wants to be with Courtney, and I’m not sure if it’s completely reciprocated…but I think she’ll stay with him for the time being because she can’t get enough of the attention they get as a couple.”
This hit me right in the feels. Nothing says love quite like letting some old, greasy dude paw you while you look around to see who’s watching, right? This is right up there with Romeo and Juliet, if Juliet was a fame hungry piece of plastic with the mental fortitude of the contents of a rock quarry and Romeo was completing his transformation into a banana slug dressed up for Halloween as k.d. lang.
Afterward, Courtney and Doug probably went home, where she tottered off with Dourtney on her wannabe Shauna Sand hooker heels to Google herself in her well-appointed Hello Kitty room, while Doug retreated to the garage to contemplate man’s existential dilemma while restocking the candy supply in his windowless van.
When all of the cherubs flew into the sun after hearing that the human (??) symbol of true love, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, are over, most of us picked ourselves up off the floor, scrubbed the dried tears off of our cheeks and screamed to the sky, “But what about DOURTNEY?!” The Porn Iguana and her melted Fred Durst-looking ass husband have answered our question today. They released a statement to The Daily Mail today confirming that she’s decided that wants to be free (read: do porn) and explore life (read: explore peens that aren’t attached to Doug) and he’s letting her do that, because she was starting to get too old for him anyway. Or maybe this is all just another publicity stunt for her to get a reality shit show. I don’t know. But more importantly, they’re sharing custody of Dourtney.
Dogs haven’t yet evolved to the point where they can release their own statements in human words. But if they could, Dourtney would probably release his own statement saying that he wished a bobcat and a coyote shared custody of him instead of these two. I don’t mean that. Obviously the Porn Iguana is the epitome of maternal elegance.
Whoever (read: every bitch with a brain) said that a love between a teenage porn iguana and a creepy PedoBear in a human costume would never last, was sadly telling the truth, because The Daily Mail says that after two years of marriage, Courtney Stodden has the left the mound of foreskins that her pimp mom sold her to when she was 16. Don’t try to talk True Love off the edge, because it knows and we know, that it’s dead and shit, it never existed in the first place! Now you know why The New York Times will run an obituary for True Love later today.
The Daily Mail says that last night, the Porn Igauna threw a Slutoween party in her Hollywood Hills house, but Doug Hutchison wasn’t there. A source says Courtney is the one who pounded her marriage dead with her new medicine ball titties and that Doug’s heart broke into a million pieces. The source went on to say that when Courtney was in the Celebrity Big Brother house in London, she realized that life was so much better without a used suppository with legs following her around. A different source tells Radar that Doug and Courtney are keeping the break-up news to themselves for right now, because she’s currently trying to sell a dating reality show starring her (they can call it Porn Iguana of Love) :
“Doug knew he was taking a risk with the marriage, but he genuinely feel in love with Courtney and didn’t realize how much his life would be changed after they got married. She is branching out and doing her own thing and Doug is getting left behind.”
Everything with Courtney and Doug is so contrived, but he wasn’t with her at her Halloween party and she’s always doing things by herself lately. He just isn’t part of the scene anymore now. They’ll probably stage a photo opp just to pretend they’re still together though.”
Yeah, Courtney and Doug were just an arranged publicity stunt and this break up is probably just another STUNT QUEEN move to get all of us talking about their messy asses again, but this is still devastating news and I’m sure I’ll see you all at church where we’ll light a candle for True Love.
And more importantly, who is going to get custody of DOURTNEY?!
Since they supposedly broke up, does that mean they have to break up Dourtney’s name too? Are they going to call him Doug or Courtney? So many questions. My weekend is ruined.
Since Courtney Stodden obviously doesn’t have half a fuck to give about the condition of her own fun bags, she is spending all that extra energy to care about yours! Here she is, at the Fashion Minga LA event, sporting her
painful purple breasts for fashion and to remind you to get your shit checked if you’re of the female persuasion. Just looking at these pics makes me cradle and knead my boobs tenderly, so it’s working. Thank you Courtney for your selfless devotion to our collective titty health!
According to its website, Fashion Minga ”is a collaboration of designers, performers, and tastemakers coming together to celebrate the various components that inspire fashion: music, dance, color, shape and visual elements.” There’s also a pink ribbon to let you know that they’re all about breast cancer awareness. That all sounds really good except for the “tastemakers” part and I don’t want to know what the fuck that is, especially as it relates to Courtney, so please just leave me to my ignorance. And give me a chaser just in case.
Let the porn iguana and her new totally natural and not at all back alley looking Fix-A-Flat lips carry you far far away! Far away from your puny existence as a human breasted/lipped plebe who doesn’t sport swizzle stick legs and a creepy mutated sweaty toad of a husband and into her world of pure glamour. AND CHECK YO BOOBEHS! Amen.