Speaking of Barbie…
The city of Beverly Hills temporarily became the holy epicenter of organic elegance last night when Penthouse Barbie (on the right) posed with Real Doll Skipper (on the left) at an exclusive event. It’s actually a miracle that picture was able to be taken. Because any mere mortal would immediately pass out backwards as soon as they saw the MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE WORLD, Shauna Sand, touch the second MOST GORGEOUS CREATURE IN THE WORLD, Courtney Stodden. That picture must’ve been taken with an iPhone on a tripod that was cemented to the floor.
Not since Courtney Stodden and Phoebe Price cracked camera lenses with their piping hot glamorous poses has there been such an iconic pairing of sophistication, gorgeousness and gentility. The Porn Iguana posted this stunningly important work of art on Instagram, and I’m sure the Uffizi Museum in Florence is trying to contact her. Because I bet that they want to replace Botticelli’s Birth of Venus with this. Who need some lady standing in your grandma’s shell soap dish when you can have these non-biodegradable goddesses! The Porn Iguana and The Empress of Lucite are like the Barbi Twins as seen through the eyes of GOD!
I would tape that picture to the ceiling above my bed, but every morning, I’d have a heart attack from being exposed to that much all-natural beauty and I don’t think my dog can learn how to use a defibrillator.
And here’s the Porn Iguana delivering more raw demureness while posing with some of Marilyn Monroe’s old stuff at that event last night.
It’s been three weeks since Courtney Stodden announced that she suffered a miscarriage and since then, she’s been mourning the loss of her baby all over social media. And last night, she told her Instagram followers in a video that she wanted to step into a “new chapter” of her life fresh and to her that meant shaving her head as a symbolic gesture to the baby she lost. Many people shave their head as a way of starting anew (like the time I stupidly bleached every ounce of life outta my hair and made the decision to shave my head and start a new chapter where my mop didn’t look like an overused yellow Chore Boy.) But Courtney’s video made me wanna either call 1-800-CHZ-GRTS (that’s Daddy Spears’ help line) or scream for Dourtney to get his human some support and help.
Just a little under two weeks ago, Courtney Stodden, the second closest thing to our modern day Aphrodite (Shauna Sand being the closet thing, of course), took her growing fetus dome out for a good old-fashioned strut on the pap stroll, and she also recently posted a picture of her bare bump on Instagram. But sadly, sometime last week Courtney had a miscarriage. Courtney’s manager Gina Rodriguez gave this statement to the media last night:
“It is with a heavy heart to inform you that last week Courtney Stodden suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Courtney and her husband, Doug, are at an emotional loss for words and are using this time to grieve with their close family and friends. Please respect their privacy as the couple try to cope with losing their precious baby and seek the support they both need.”
A quick minute after Doug Hutchison’s sperm fish humped into one of Courtney’s ovary eggs, she announced the news of her first pregnancy before the iguana piss on the pee stick was even dry. Courtney said that she was only 4 weeks, but that she was forced to announce the news because someone leaked it. That was back in mid-May. So if I do the math (“Please don’t without help from an adult.” – every math teacher I’ve had), Courtney was around 12 weeks.
Courtney confirmed the sad news that she lost her baby, the one she was hoping would be a gayby, on Twitter last night:
I love you my sweet angel
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016
God is embracing you ❤️
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016
On another note, Gina Rodriguez is Courtney Stodden’s rep? I know that The CW doesn’t exactly have HBO money, but are they not paying Jane The Virgin enough?
Everything I know about being pregnant has come from movies and television, and one thing that I always remember is from Full House when a knocked up Aunt Becky put headphones on her stomach. I guess so that her and Uncle Jesse’s spawn would be into music or something? What I’m trying to get at is, it’s my understanding that when you’re pregnant, you can teach babies to like stuff while they’re still in the womb. Courtney Stodden obviously thinks this too. Yesterday she strutted around in some truly elegant maternity wear for the paps, in what is clearly an attempt to teach the baby living inside her what getting attention is. Like mommy, like baby!
Courtney and a friend were papped “shopping” for maternity clothes at A Pea in the Pod. I say “shopping“, because there’s no way Courtney actually found anything she wanted to buy in there. The last time I checked, A Pea in the Pod didn’t carry second-trimester g-strings, latex tube tops, or pregnancy-safe coochie glitter. Once again, Courtney is showing her baby how it’s done. You don’t need a good reason to call the paps, you just need a reason.
The teaching continued inside the store, when Courtney’s friend gave a master class in, well, class, by stripping down to her underwear and bending over for the paps.
Unfortunately, I think the in utero lessons only apply when it’s your baby. Nice try though, Courtney’s friend. Here’s more of a pregnant Courtney working her baby bump in some truly gorgeous heels for the paps yesterday.
The third remake of A Star Is Born has been in the works for what feels like a century. Clint Eastwood was originally going to direct and he wanted his beloved empty chair to star as the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role (if only). Clint wanted Beyonce and when Beyonce checked out due to “scheduling conflicts,” he started talking to Esperanza Spalding about the role. Pepaw Clint could never get the remake out of “development hell,” because he couldn’t get a big name to sign on to the male lead. Clint tried to get Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Tommy Cruise, Will Smith, Gerard Butler and Christian Bale, but all of them dropped a big messy NO on that offer. Clint eventually got over that shit and dropped out as director. Bradley Cooper decided that he wanted to be the one to butcher A Star Is Born, so he signed on as director and the male lead. Beyonce was once again thinking about bringing her flawless acting skills to the remake, but she turned it down for good, because she apparently costs too much. And now it looks like Lady Gaga is going to do it. A Mess Is Born is back on track!
“And unto Earth there shall be an angel. An angel mostly made of silicone and prescription drugs. This angel shall be raised as the child bride of a loathsome toad wart and together they shall procreate and humanity will come to a close.” I’m sure you all remember that from the Good Book. It speaks of the pregnancy of Courtney Stodden. And now Courtney brings us more, umm, news on her upcoming parenting.
Courtney and her truck stop killer-looking captor, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison announced they were going to have a baby back in May. Courtney claims she is 8 weeks along and she’s keeping that press train going. She spoke to People about her predictions on her child’s sexuality:
If it’s a boy I am going to dress him up in tutus. I know I am going to spoil my baby rotten. I’m going to be a fun mom. I always say I am going to have a girl regardless, and if it’s a boy he’ll be gay!
I’m glad to see that pregnancy hasn’t affected her brain’s main function: getting attention. Yes, Courtney’s possible gayby will have her and Doug as parents, but at least he’ll have his mother’s good taste. We could be talking about the next Bobby Trendy!
And thanks to this People article, we have Michael K’s two favorite things in one place: an elegant rose and the phrase “over-the-moon“! Yes! Congratulations Michael K! Courtney said, “My husband has been my rock. He is over-the-moon excited! And he’s so connected to me that he’s basically having morning sickness.” Well, I too must be connected to Courtney because the thought of Doug procreating makes me throw up constantly.