As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Darren Criss (all together: groooooan) and it brought out Demi Moore who was dressed like she accidentally stumbled onto the carpet while searching for a juice box and a cookie. You know, there may be a very good reason for why Demi Moore looks like a middle-aged Anna from Frozen in a half-assed Dennis the Menace disguise. That woman next to Demi is her friend, costume designer Arianne Phillips, so maybe the two are working on an updated reboot of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and Demi plays Mary Hartman who lives her life as though she’s trapped in a Snapchat filter (see: flower crown) and considers Stewie from Family Guy her fashion icon. Demi is trying to be all method so she wore her costume out. Yeah, that must be it…
Courtney Love was also there last night and she looked pretty good. When you’re at the same event as Courtney Love and Courtney Love looks less messy than you, it’s time for a long talk with God….or your stylist.
Weird, right? As soon as I heard that Kim Kardashian was allegedly held at gunpoint by jewel thieves in Paree, I figured that Kunty Karl would immediately drop the virgin he was feeding upon and appear in a Chanel logo-shaped white cloud before her to comfort her. I mean, KK has photographed the lesser KK before, he scribbled out a note of support for her ass and he’s always the epitome of warmth. But if Karl did have a sympathetic bone in his regal vampire body, it wouldn’t feel a thing for Kim. In the Gospel According to Kunty Karl it states that if you’re going to flaunt that luxurious life in front of the peasants, you better protect that luxurious life with the damn A-Team.
What? No! How could anyone be afraid of Courtney Love? She’s just a sometimes-crazy, bad-with-money 52-year-old woman who does not play and hangs out with Sam Lutfi and okay I see it now. Run, Frances Bean Cobain’s ex, run!
I’m sure you’re absolutely shocked that a situation involving semi-professional disaster Courtney Love has gotten messy. But if you can believe it, she’s not even the messiest part of this story; that honor goes to the one and only Sam Lutfi.
Last week it was reported that Frances Bean was fighting with her soon-to-be ex-husband Isaiah Silva over a guitar that was used by Kurt Cobain during Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged performance. Isaiah claims the guitar – which is estimated to be worth several million dollars – was a wedding gift from Frances to him. Frances claims she never gave it to him as a gift, and she wants it back. A judge will ultimately decide who gets the guitar, but Courtney Love’s good friend Sam Lutfi is doing everything he can to fix it in Frances’ favor.
It’s time for everyone’s favorite game! Say it with me… I! Feel! OLD! (confetti drops, horns blow, etc). Today’s contestant is Frances Bean! Frances Bean, come on dooooowwwwnnn! Hi, Frances! Some facts for our viewers at home: Frances is 23, her father is the late Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, her mother is national treasure Courtney Love. Frances is recently divorced, and now Frances’s ex-husband is looking to take something very near and dear to the family away: Kurt’s guitar that he played on MTV Unplugged.
That’s right, the grunge queen baby we all remember is not only divorced, she’s going through a messy divorce. She and Isaiah Silva got married last year in a private ceremony that was so private even Courtney wasn’t there. They’d been together for five years prior to that, but eventually got divorced after 21 months of marriage. Seeing as Frances’s inheritance and Kurt’s estate is speculated to be in the neighborhood of $450 million, everyone was guessing that shit would get real nasty with Isaiah trying to grab a chunk of that. But his eyes seem more fixed on a different prize.
According to TMZ, Isaiah – who’s the lead in the band The Eeries – claims Frances gave him Kurt’s famous Martin D-18E guitar from his 1993 MTV Unplugged performance (which is also the last guitar Kurt ever played) as a wedding gift and now he wants to sashay away with it. Which makes sense: grungy musician types would rather walk around with Kurt’s guitar than a big pile of cash or a hefty monthly deposit.
In true Judge Judy fashion, TMZ says that Frances has denied ever giving Isaiah the guitar as a gift, and wants it back. The guitar was once insured for $1 million, but experts think it could be worth way more than that now.
There’s been talk that Frances is seeking to have her premarital assets awarded as separate property so she’s protected, but that she’s open to giving that charlatan spousal support. More importantly, TMZ has video of Courtney’s response to the news of Isaiah trying to take that guitar. Courtney says it’s not his to take. She also says the phrase “treasured family heirloom” approximately 15 times in the short clip. I agree with her on that. I’d also like to respond to Courtney by saying that, you, my dear, are a treasured family heirloom to the human family.