You may have read that headline and looked at that picture and thought, “I don’t see her holding a copy of Artpop.”
The National Board of Review ceremony happened in NYC last night, and the winners were announced in November, so Lady Gaga already knew she won Best Actress. She didn’t have to worry about straining her Botoxed face muscles while trying to look happy as either Glenn Close or Olivia Colman took the win. A Star Is Born also won one National Board of Review awards for Bradley Cooper (Best Director), and one for Sam Elliott (Best Supporting Actor). Regina King was also there last night to accept the Best Supporting Actress award, and the cast of Crazy Rich Asians showed up to collect their trophy for Best Ensemble.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
The American Music Awards doesn’t have the respectability of the Grammys or the pizazz of the MTV VMAs, but it’s got…well, it’s got a pointy award and people that show up, and that’s all you really need for a music award show. As such, guests still put in some effort for the red carpet. Post Malone’s hair is still a mess and he’s got those “Yes I’ve been slowly picking off my Shellac manicure” nails, but he also came through with a bedazzled belt buckle and nudie suit made by Union Western Clothing featuring his initials and several snakes. I guess he didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift had the whole snake thing locked down last night. Oh well, it still pulled his whole look together. That is, if he was going for a look that tells people he’s a very successful businessman who sells snakes at an Alabama swap meet.
It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
There’s nothing us heathens in the U.S. love more than drooling into a snack and watching excessively wealthy people flaunt what we’ll never have: cold hard cash. That’s why Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on its millionth season and why Sex & The City somehow made two movies after the show ended. Crazy Rich Asians roared into movie theaters last weekend and and is now #1 at the box office. Naturally, that means a Crazy Rich sequel is in the works.
But are you surprised? The word “rich” is right there in the title!
Constance Wu showed up to the Crazy Rich Asians premiere in L.A. in a Ralph & Russo gown that looks like the sort of fancy throw pillow I would be warned ten times not to touch while visiting a fancy relative’s house. Although that’s not to say Constance is too bougie for the rest of us; those sequins are giving fancy silver SpaghettiOs realness. And what says “of the people” more than 99-cent canned pasta? Even if they do sort of look like the canned pasta rich people might eat when Jeeves leaves on vacation and they’re forced to use the can opener.