Well, when you’re a twink who wants to quickly make the transition to daddy, there’s one easy way to do it: become an actual daddy like Tom Daley is.
Valentine’s Day is usually a day when disgusting 💖~~ so in love ~~💖 couples cause the heaves to crawl up your throat by announcing their engagement in a love-dovey gross picture on Facebook or Instagram. It’s usually not a day when you announce that you’re going to ruin your marriage and sex life by bringing a slobbery ball of coos into your house. But Tom Daley and his husband of 9 months Dustin Lance Black used today, VD, to announce that in a womb somewhere, their child is growing. Tom is 23 years old and DLB is 43 years old. So half of the room is probably shouting “You too young! You should be out there ho-ing it up instead of changing diapers!” at Tom, while the other half of the room is screaming “You too old! You’re gonna have to drag your oxygen tank to your kid’s graduation!” at DLB.
Tom and DLB announced they’re going to be dads by holding up a picture of their fetus’ first picture. Because of Tom’s stage six scared face, this looks more like a hostage photo of them holding up today’s newspaper.
I don’t blame Tom for making a “the hell am I getting myself into?” face. Raising a baby can be a scary thing. Babies are selfish and can suck up all of your time and money. So if Tom wants to hook up with another hot model, he’ll not only have to find the time to do it, but he’ll have to spend money on a hotel too. And why do I have a feeling that Dolce & Gabbana are going to send their friend Tom a custom-made D&G onesie that reads: Child Of Chemistry!
It’s that time again when we all say at the same time, “Wait, I thought he was GAY?“, after reading about how Michael C. Hall married a woman.
Michael C. Hall (or “David from Six Feet Under” as I know him, or “Dexter” as those of you who watched Dexter know him, but then again that character may be forever dead to you thanks to that finale) decided that he really wants to be married for a third time. MCH survived Hodgkin’s lymphoma, so maybe he figures that life is too short to not follow your heart to the City Clerk’s Office.
MCH was married to his first wife, Amy Spanger, from 2002 to 2007. After that marriage ate smegma in the gutter, he dusted himself off and married his TV sister, Jennifer Carpenter, on New Year’s Eve in 2008. They announced they were getting a divorce in 2010 and they legally became exes a year later. MCH started dating book editor and novelist Morgan Macgregor in 2012 and now they’re married, so says his rep. People says that MCH became a third-time husband at City Hall in NYC yesterday morning. The answer to the question, “Who in the HELL, besides a trick needing a green card bad and a 9-month knocked up teen with a strict Catholic abuelita, gets married at City Hall on a Monday morning?“, has finally been answered. Maybe he wanted to beat the crowds, or maybe there’s a Monday morning discount I don’t know about and since it’s his third marriage, he figured he should save in wedding costs wherever he can.
MCH is 45. His new wife’s age is a mystery. I used my serious journalist skills (read: I Googled “How old is Dexter’s new wedded piece?” and called it a day) to find out and came up with nothing. In some pictures she looks like a grown to me and in other pictures she looks like she hears, “Aw, you and your father seem so close,” from a server as she cuddles with MCH in a booth at a restaurant. But what I do know about Morgan is that she seems to be a Depp-loving hipster at heart since she’s got this tattoo on her arm:
If she was really a fan, she’d drop the “na” in that tattoo. But well, if MCH ever wants to get into some scarves and bracelets kink and get his wife to role play as Johnny Depp, she’s already halfway there.
Here’s some riveting pictures of MCH and Morgan Macgregor standing next to each other and walking together throughout the last few years.