When 29-year-old Colton Haynes got engaged to his 46-year-old flower daddy Jeff Leatham (he’s a floral designer), it was a big, gay extravaganza complete with fireworks, drama and an appearance by Cher. So when I heard they were getting married this weekend, I prepared to explode into a tornado of glitter from the glorious gayness of their wedding. I expected to see Barbra Streisand softly yodel out Evergreen while officiating their ceremony from a giant crystal swan covered with rhinestone-encrusted white orchids imported from Thailand. But I guess all their money was spent on the engagement ceremony, because they had to settle for Pimp Mama Kris as their officiant.
For the past few years, actor and over-the-top displayer of affection, Colton Haynes has been actively trying to snatch the Queen of Halloween crown off of Heidi Klum’s head. Colton has celebrated Halloween by dressing up like Fiona from Shrek, a malnourished Ursula the Sea Witch and a slutty Miss Piggy (which looked more like Courtney Stodden in the pig people episode of the Twilight Zone). This year, Colton started the Slutoween party early by hosting an event for Freixenet Cava in L.A. last night. And he hosted it while done up as the ho shit version of everyone’s favorite jaundice-stricken, thyroid eye disease-having MILF, Marge Simpson!
Instagram pin-up boy and TV star Colton Haynes is on vacation in Turks and Caicos with his fiancé, celebrity floral designer Jeff Leatham. Because something didn’t happen unless it’s posted about, Colton documented his getaway on Instagram. To his credit, Colton happens to be one of the more considerate online over-sharers. He knew enough to include a pic of his butt cheeks. Vacation photos are much less ponderous if a hot ass pops up. You can see the full ass shot after the jump, you horny tramps!
If you read that headline and then went, “Err, okay, let me scroll back down and spend more time with the masterpiece musical stylings of Sarah Dunne instead,” that woman on the left in the hot pink boa is doing an amazing impersonation of you.
28-year-old Colton Haynes, who came out out last year, has been dating 46-year-old floral artiste Jeff Leatham for a total of three seconds. Or maybe it’s been two or three months. I haven’t totally kept track of the goings on of Colton Haynes’ newly-ish out peen. Colton and Jeff haven’t been together that long, but I guess they’ve already been struck with stage 10 dickmatization and their hearts can’t stop barfing out love for each other, because they got engaged. And Colton’s flower daddy did it up. Jeff proposed to Colton with help from flowers, candles, an opulent Mexican resort, a fireworks show and CHER! The only way Jeff’s proposal could’ve been more glamorously gay is if a hologram Liberace serenaded them on a tiny gold piano while sliding down a rainbow as a bevy of swans in gold crowns presented Colton with his engagement ring.
One of our new guest writers was supposed to help out today, but technical difficulties kept that from happening and so there weren’t as many posts as usual. Please accept my sowwies in the form of these fap-inducing pictures of Colton Haynes as a ho’d up Miss Piggy posing for a spread in
Penthouse Farmhouse magazine. Someone had to serve up a sticky palate cleaner to cleanse away the memory of seeing Katy Perry as Hillary Clinton and that someone is Colton Haynes.