If you read that headline and then went, “Err, okay, let me scroll back down and spend more time with the masterpiece musical stylings of Sarah Dunne instead,” that woman on the left in the hot pink boa is doing an amazing impersonation of you.
28-year-old Colton Haynes, who came out out last year, has been dating 46-year-old floral artiste Jeff Leatham for a total of three seconds. Or maybe it’s been two or three months. I haven’t totally kept track of the goings on of Colton Haynes’ newly-ish out peen. Colton and Jeff haven’t been together that long, but I guess they’ve already been struck with stage 10 dickmatization and their hearts can’t stop barfing out love for each other, because they got engaged. And Colton’s flower daddy did it up. Jeff proposed to Colton with help from flowers, candles, an opulent Mexican resort, a fireworks show and CHER! The only way Jeff’s proposal could’ve been more glamorously gay is if a hologram Liberace serenaded them on a tiny gold piano while sliding down a rainbow as a bevy of swans in gold crowns presented Colton with his engagement ring.
One of our new guest writers was supposed to help out today, but technical difficulties kept that from happening and so there weren’t as many posts as usual. Please accept my sowwies in the form of these fap-inducing pictures of Colton Haynes as a ho’d up Miss Piggy posing for a spread in
Penthouse Farmhouse magazine. Someone had to serve up a sticky palate cleaner to cleanse away the memory of seeing Katy Perry as Hillary Clinton and that someone is Colton Haynes.
John Travolta can now remove Colton Haynes’ name from the mailbox outside of The Closet®, because he’s officially, officially out of there. Not that he was totally in.
Earlier this year, Colton Haynes, from Arrow and Teen Wolf, shrugged on Tumblr when someone mentioned the twink-on-twink pictures he took for gay magazine XY back in the day. Someone on Tumblr said that they got excited after finding out about Colton’s secret gay past and he answered with, “Was it a secret? Let’s just all enjoy life and have no regrets.” That was a sort-of coming out, but now he has really 100% come out about his love of man ass and peen during an interview with Entertainment Weekly.
A few years ago when he was on MTV’s Teen Wolf, Colton Haynes’ lawyer tried to scrub the Internet of the pictures of him getting into some twink-on-twink action for the now dead gay magazine XY. Colton Haynes’ team didn’t want the innocent eyes of the children tainted by the images of him doing gay stuff! Well, those days are gone and Colton Haynes may or may not have subtly come out.
On Saturday, Tumblr user pornandmariah (ha) declared how excited they were about discovering Colton Haynes’ secret gay past. Colton read pornandmariah’s post and answered by saying that his gay past was never on the shush:
Colton also tweeted this:
No fear this year. Cheers #2016
— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) January 1, 2016
When I read the headlines this past weekend about Colton Haynes of Arrow “coming out,” I expected to see video of him yodeling at the top of his lungs about his undying love for dick while waving a rainbow flag as he rode on a hoverboard down Santa Monica Blvd. I was ready to wish him a Happy New Queer, but his response and tweet are pretty coy. Maybe by “Was it a secret?” he was referring to his gay twink spread in XY? Maybe by “No fear this year” he meant that he’s the new face of No Fear (Is that shit still around?). It’s times like these when I really need a Rosetta Stone emoji edition. Because maybe all of his emojis translate into: “Yay! I love peen!”
And here’s Colton Haynes in Miami on New Year’s Eve Day: