For the Jolie-Pitts, nothing puts the “f”s in “family fun” quite like “forced foto-ops” on the red carpet for a kids movie with mom. Angelina Jolie unplugged the X-Box mid-Fortnite Battle Royale and told all them kids to go put on their outside clothes for the Hollywood premiere of Tim Burton’s Dumbo. Here’s the twist: They had fun.
Michael Keaton is a class act and always has been since Mister Mom right on up until he quietly shelved his Oscars acceptance speech when he didn’t win Best Actor for Birdman. And finally, the class act within has been turned without and we see him in his full glory! Here’s Michael Keaton done up as “V.A. Vandervere” in he upcoming live-action Dumbo flick. Please note the wavy perfection of the hair, the austere blue of the shades, and the sexy, commanding finger on that cane. Cane ME, Mr. Vandervere! Silver Fox Michael Keaton is already the best-dressed at tonight’s Golden Globes and I don’t think he’s even going to tonight’s Golden Globes.
The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.
Colin Farrell’s life used to be kind of a mess (direct contact with 2000s-era Lindsay Lohan can do that to a person), but after a trip to rehab in December 2005, he started a journey of sobriety. UsWeekly is reporting that Colin has recently taken a trip back to rehab for a helpful sobriety tune-up. A source says that 41-year-old Colin, who celebrated 10 years clean last year, voluntarily checked himself into rehab last week.
“He put himself in there. It was voluntary. He was not using again, but needed to do a little reset and get things back in alignment to make sure he doesn’t use again.”
The source says that Colin is currently at The Meadows treatment center in Arizona. That’s reportedly the same rehab Selena Gomez went to back in 2015 to recover from chemotherapy treatment she received for her lupus. It’s also the same rehab where Harvey Weinstein spent time. I wonder if rehab is like prison, where it’s a smart idea to assert dominance on your first day? I’m not saying I want to hear that Colin took a swing at Harvey. I’m just saying I wouldn’t hate it if a source leaked that Harvey approached Colin with a friendly handshake and Colin brushed him off by hissing, “Piss off, ya banjaxed chancer.”
If you’ve seen Colin Farrell’s sex tape, then you know that back in the day, he had a luscious crotch shrub that looked like a glorious black angora bunny with a serious Ogilvie home perm. Just looking at that overgrown dick bush makes you pull imaginary pubes out of your mouth. Colin was on Ellen today and he told a story about taking his pubes from (NSFW) Demi Moore circa 1981 to Demi Moore in Striptease. Ellen DeGeneres plays a little game with her guests called Celebrity Confessions and it involves the famous trick spilling out a confession for up to a $10,000 donation for the charity of their choice. Colin earned that money by talking about the time he gave his beautiful crotch ‘fro an embarrassing haircut.
Colin was about to shoot his very first sex scene for his first American movie, Tigerland, and before they filmed it, he showed director Joel Schumacher his forest of dick hairs and asked if he should trim it. Joel let him know in so many words that he needed to take a machete or Flowbee to it and so he got himself a beard trimmer from the makeup and hair department and went at it. Colin went a little too far and turned his ZZ Top crotch beard into a tiny landing strip.
70s bush or 90s landing strip, I’d still hit it. But what brand was that beard trimmer? That’s what I want to know, because if it can cut through Colin Farrell’s dense pube hedge without jamming or breaking, it can cut through anything. That beard trimmer must’ve been a Ginsu.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!