If you’ve seen Colin Farrell’s sex tape, then you know that back in the day, he had a luscious crotch shrub that looked like a glorious black angora bunny with a serious Ogilvie home perm. Just looking at that overgrown dick bush makes you pull imaginary pubes out of your mouth. Colin was on Ellen today and he told a story about taking his pubes from (NSFW) Demi Moore circa 1981 to Demi Moore in Striptease. Ellen DeGeneres plays a little game with her guests called Celebrity Confessions and it involves the famous trick spilling out a confession for up to a $10,000 donation for the charity of their choice. Colin earned that money by talking about the time he gave his beautiful crotch ‘fro an embarrassing haircut.
Colin was about to shoot his very first sex scene for his first American movie, Tigerland, and before they filmed it, he showed director Joel Schumacher his forest of dick hairs and asked if he should trim it. Joel let him know in so many words that he needed to take a machete or Flowbee to it and so he got himself a beard trimmer from the makeup and hair department and went at it. Colin went a little too far and turned his ZZ Top crotch beard into a tiny landing strip.
70s bush or 90s landing strip, I’d still hit it. But what brand was that beard trimmer? That’s what I want to know, because if it can cut through Colin Farrell’s dense pube hedge without jamming or breaking, it can cut through anything. That beard trimmer must’ve been a Ginsu.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
Upon hearing this information, thousands of horny hos raised their hands and started screaming “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!“, myself included. Yes, I would; I’d have to wrap it twice, whisper a prayer to the patron saint of rash creams, and sanitize my pussy with an autoclave afterwards, but I would.
If my memory serves me correctly (the last few remaining brain cells just started nervously tugging at their collars), Colin Farrell has dated pretty much every trick in Hollywood, including all four of the silver lady statues and the Bubblehead girl, but he recently admitted something sort of shocking to The Sunday Times (via E! News): he hasn’t dated anyone in four years.
“I have not dated for, ooh, four years now. It’s just not happening, what with the work, the kids and my life. I know it’s not what people expect to hear, but that’s the honest truth.”
He says his two sons have a lot to do with him putting a CLOSED sign over his junk. Colin adds:
“It’s not all about you anymore, which is a relief. It’s about a bigger world, and helping them find their place in it.”
However, Star (I know) is probably reading this and yelling “LIAR!!!!” at their screens, because they claim he’s totally doing his True Detective co-star Rachel McAdams. A “source” claims Colin and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one-time trial beard have “chemistry” on set and everyone has noticed, but that she’s wary of his past as a chronic hoochie humper and she’s not sure if she wants to make things official.
Colin only said he hasn’t dated anyone in four years, so there is still a chance he’s a hardcore man slut, but that shouldn’t really worry Rachel. Present-day Colin is still an upgrade from 10-years-ago Colin, for the simple fact that he no longer looks like a drunk dirtbag who sweats sex juice and comes whiskey. Wait, why did I just get the vapors all of a sudden?
Just when you think it couldn’t get any sexier than a beer-chugging backwoods Texas T-Rex and a wig-wearing Woody from Cheers, Colin Farrell has confirmed the rumor that he’ll be hustling the greasy Irish heat on the second season of HBO’s True Detective. Colin told Ireland’s Sunday World (via The Guardian) that he’s definitely involved, adding “I’m so excited.” Yes I just pictured him cry-screaming that like a pilled-up Jessie Spano. We all did, right?
Colin doesn’t say much about his character, like whether or not he’ll be forced to investigate all crimes shirtless and/or pantsless, but he did confirm that TD2 is moving from the swamps of Louisiana to the trashiest swamp of them all, Los Angeles (the Kardashians still live in L.A. right? Then it’s still technically the most active swamp in America):
“I know it will be eight episodes and take around four or five months to shoot. I know very little about it, but we’re shooting in the environs of Los Angeles which is great. It means I get to stay at home and see the kids.”
I have a thing for rough-looking dudes who are fighting a lifetime’s worth of personal demons, so I hope that the producers of TD2 really ride Colin hard and put him away wet like they did with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in the first season. Like maybe Colin’s character is haunted by the memory of something that causes him to snort bath salts and have messy casual sex in dirty gas station bathrooms? I mean…whatever, up to you guys.
Or maybe HBO will give Colin the same treatment they gave Justin Theroux in The Leftovers and make him bulge out in a pair of crotch-caressing sweatpants every episode. If these pictures of Colin going to a yoga class back in August are any indication of what to expect, I’d be ok with that. “We need to catch the seaside killer! But first, I need to stuff my loaf of Irish soda bread into a pair of cotton junk-huggers and go for a run.”
Take this with a giant handful of salt, since it feels like everyone and their dog has at one time been ‘in talks’ to star in the second season of HBO’s True Detective. TheWrap says that “an individual familiar with the series” (that literally describes anyone with access to the internet, but go on) has told them that whiskey-soaked used condom Colin Farrell is this week’s random actor rumoured to be ‘in talks’ with the casting department of True Detective.
Insiders tell TheWrap that HBO was intent on landing a true movie star, someone who could play rugged and gritty, and they’ve done just that with Farrell, who is nearing a deal for the series’ older male lead.
The source also goes on to say that HBO is also looking at casting either Tron: Legacy actor (and the Don Draper to Kiki Dunst’s Betty) Garrett Hedlund or Friday Night Lights actor Taylor Kitsch, for the younger male lead. If only HBO could go back in time and cast Taylor Kitsch in True Blood instead, they could have made that hot gay sex scene even better by turning it into a three-way with Tim Riggins. So close yet so far.
If Colin Farrell really is going to be in True Detective, then I guess this means the second season will still be set in Louisiana, but instead of hunting for a serial killer along the coast, the detectives will be hunting for drunk pussy along Bourbon Street in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. All 8 episodes will follow a greasy hungover human boner with a vague Irish accent as he attempts to get to the bottom of a case of vodka while fingering as many culprits as he can before his partner hauls his ass off to the drunk tank.
Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.