The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.
Colin Farrell’s life used to be kind of a mess (direct contact with 2000s-era Lindsay Lohan can do that to a person), but after a trip to rehab in December 2005, he started a journey of sobriety. UsWeekly is reporting that Colin has recently taken a trip back to rehab for a helpful sobriety tune-up. A source says that 41-year-old Colin, who celebrated 10 years clean last year, voluntarily checked himself into rehab last week.
“He put himself in there. It was voluntary. He was not using again, but needed to do a little reset and get things back in alignment to make sure he doesn’t use again.”
The source says that Colin is currently at The Meadows treatment center in Arizona. That’s reportedly the same rehab Selena Gomez went to back in 2015 to recover from chemotherapy treatment she received for her lupus. It’s also the same rehab where Harvey Weinstein spent time. I wonder if rehab is like prison, where it’s a smart idea to assert dominance on your first day? I’m not saying I want to hear that Colin took a swing at Harvey. I’m just saying I wouldn’t hate it if a source leaked that Harvey approached Colin with a friendly handshake and Colin brushed him off by hissing, “Piss off, ya banjaxed chancer.”
If you’ve seen Colin Farrell’s sex tape, then you know that back in the day, he had a luscious crotch shrub that looked like a glorious black angora bunny with a serious Ogilvie home perm. Just looking at that overgrown dick bush makes you pull imaginary pubes out of your mouth. Colin was on Ellen today and he told a story about taking his pubes from (NSFW) Demi Moore circa 1981 to Demi Moore in Striptease. Ellen DeGeneres plays a little game with her guests called Celebrity Confessions and it involves the famous trick spilling out a confession for up to a $10,000 donation for the charity of their choice. Colin earned that money by talking about the time he gave his beautiful crotch ‘fro an embarrassing haircut.
Colin was about to shoot his very first sex scene for his first American movie, Tigerland, and before they filmed it, he showed director Joel Schumacher his forest of dick hairs and asked if he should trim it. Joel let him know in so many words that he needed to take a machete or Flowbee to it and so he got himself a beard trimmer from the makeup and hair department and went at it. Colin went a little too far and turned his ZZ Top crotch beard into a tiny landing strip.
70s bush or 90s landing strip, I’d still hit it. But what brand was that beard trimmer? That’s what I want to know, because if it can cut through Colin Farrell’s dense pube hedge without jamming or breaking, it can cut through anything. That beard trimmer must’ve been a Ginsu.
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
Upon hearing this information, thousands of horny hos raised their hands and started screaming “I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!“, myself included. Yes, I would; I’d have to wrap it twice, whisper a prayer to the patron saint of rash creams, and sanitize my pussy with an autoclave afterwards, but I would.
If my memory serves me correctly (the last few remaining brain cells just started nervously tugging at their collars), Colin Farrell has dated pretty much every trick in Hollywood, including all four of the silver lady statues and the Bubblehead girl, but he recently admitted something sort of shocking to The Sunday Times (via E! News): he hasn’t dated anyone in four years.
“I have not dated for, ooh, four years now. It’s just not happening, what with the work, the kids and my life. I know it’s not what people expect to hear, but that’s the honest truth.”
He says his two sons have a lot to do with him putting a CLOSED sign over his junk. Colin adds:
“It’s not all about you anymore, which is a relief. It’s about a bigger world, and helping them find their place in it.”
However, Star (I know) is probably reading this and yelling “LIAR!!!!” at their screens, because they claim he’s totally doing his True Detective co-star Rachel McAdams. A “source” claims Colin and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one-time trial beard have “chemistry” on set and everyone has noticed, but that she’s wary of his past as a chronic hoochie humper and she’s not sure if she wants to make things official.
Colin only said he hasn’t dated anyone in four years, so there is still a chance he’s a hardcore man slut, but that shouldn’t really worry Rachel. Present-day Colin is still an upgrade from 10-years-ago Colin, for the simple fact that he no longer looks like a drunk dirtbag who sweats sex juice and comes whiskey. Wait, why did I just get the vapors all of a sudden?
Just when you think it couldn’t get any sexier than a beer-chugging backwoods Texas T-Rex and a wig-wearing Woody from Cheers, Colin Farrell has confirmed the rumor that he’ll be hustling the greasy Irish heat on the second season of HBO’s True Detective. Colin told Ireland’s Sunday World (via The Guardian) that he’s definitely involved, adding “I’m so excited.” Yes I just pictured him cry-screaming that like a pilled-up Jessie Spano. We all did, right?
Colin doesn’t say much about his character, like whether or not he’ll be forced to investigate all crimes shirtless and/or pantsless, but he did confirm that TD2 is moving from the swamps of Louisiana to the trashiest swamp of them all, Los Angeles (the Kardashians still live in L.A. right? Then it’s still technically the most active swamp in America):
“I know it will be eight episodes and take around four or five months to shoot. I know very little about it, but we’re shooting in the environs of Los Angeles which is great. It means I get to stay at home and see the kids.”
I have a thing for rough-looking dudes who are fighting a lifetime’s worth of personal demons, so I hope that the producers of TD2 really ride Colin hard and put him away wet like they did with Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in the first season. Like maybe Colin’s character is haunted by the memory of something that causes him to snort bath salts and have messy casual sex in dirty gas station bathrooms? I mean…whatever, up to you guys.
Or maybe HBO will give Colin the same treatment they gave Justin Theroux in The Leftovers and make him bulge out in a pair of crotch-caressing sweatpants every episode. If these pictures of Colin going to a yoga class back in August are any indication of what to expect, I’d be ok with that. “We need to catch the seaside killer! But first, I need to stuff my loaf of Irish soda bread into a pair of cotton junk-huggers and go for a run.”