After lying to us all with a fake stadium free-fall at the Super Bowl and busting out a Grammys stage dive that was about as hardcore as a trust fall at a company retreat, Lady Gaga will most likely headline night two of the annual Gathering of the Hipster Douches in Indio, CA in April. Lady Gaga is replacing Beyonce who is too knocked up to perform. I don’t have a Bachelor’s Degree in stan wars, so I have no idea if the Beyhive and the Little Monsters are cool with each other, but if they’re not, then they better suck it up. Because the Beyhive has passes to Coachella and the Little Monsters would probably suck dick, felch, toss a salad, do ass-to-mouth and much more to get those passes.
Lance Bass and his husband (seen above at Coachella in 2014) don’t have to permanently retire their Coachella-going fanny packs, jorts and denim pedal pushers just yet, because Philip Anschutz, whose company AEG owns Hipsterpalooza, says that he no longer donates to anti-LGBTQ organizations. Yesterday, I wrote about how The Washington Post named Philip Anschutz an “Enemy of Equality” back in July. They put together a graph of all the richies who have donated to anti-LGBTQ groups, like Alliance Defending Freedom and Focus on the Family. But Anschutz spit at The Washington Post’s graph in a statement. He said that his foundation did donate to certain groups without his knowledge and when he found about it, he immediately put a stop to it.
Bella Thorne (the one in the purple Pretty Woman wig) is the reigning Princess of Coochella (Vanessa Hudgens is the forever queen) and so she must be confused about whether or not to go this year. On one hand, she’s bi-sexual. On the other hand, she really loves getting photographed twirling around in coochie cutters as some band none of us have ever heard of plays. What to do… What to do…
Some of us “boycotted” Coochella a long ass time ago, because we’re way too old to get daytime high on molly while stuck in the middle of a sweaty sea of flower crown-wearing hipsters. (I prefer to get daytime high on molly in the comfort of my own living room, thankyouverymuch.) But now, some may scream BOYCOTT COACHELLA after finding out that its owner hates gays, a woman’s right to choose and the Ozone layer.
Page Six claims that Courtney Love was kicked out of the Neon Carnival on Saturday night for being “too” wasted. They could be right. I mean, look at that picture of Courtney Love. She must be on something if she’s standing there doing nothing as Ellie Goulding’s mouth is being attacked by two mutated silicone leeches! Do something, Courtney! Throw a compact at those evil things!
Courtney Love declared last year that she was Cracked Out Courtney no more and was sitting on the wagon with her seatbelt firmly attached. Courtney claimed that she was done with the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit and the prescribed shit. She said that her current drug of choice is some “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” stuff because she’s a Buddhist now. But Page Six seems to think that Courtney fell face first off of the wagon and landed directly on a pile of hipster piss at a Coachella party.
After Courtney went to see fellow mess and one-time arch rival Axl Rose play with Guns ‘N Roses at Coachella, she went to the Neon Carnival held at a nearby airport. Page Six’s source says that Courtney got so wasted that they kicked her out of there.
“She went to Neon Carnival and got kicked out for being too drunk in the VIP area,” we’re told.
Another source at the party, which is held on an airport tarmac — and was attended by celebs including Leo DiCaprio, Rihanna and Kesha — said, “She was literally falling over. It just became a little too sloppy, and she was removed. She wasn’t coherent at all.”
Are they sure Courtney was boozing it up, because isn’t she incoherent and sloppy when she’s sober too? But honestly, I didn’t think it was possible to get kicked out of a Coochella event for being “too plastered.” That’s like being kicked out of the Gathering of the Juggalos for sucking dirty dick in a Port-A-Potty while butt chugging Faygo and moonshine. If this is true and you really can get kicked out of a Coachella party for being drunk, then that’s just cruel and unusual punishment. How else do the evil doers of that event expect you to deal with messes dressed like assholes. Case in point: Bella Thorne.
As if you couldn’t tell by the overall vibe from the picture above, here’s another one to throw on the “Famous people who hooked up at Coachella” pile. According to UsWeekly, the bro who looks like every dude folding jeans at Hollister Scott Eastwood and former Vampire Diaries star Nina Dobrev are possibly doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
Mia from Degrassi (RIP J.T.) and Clint Eastwood’s hot son were seen looking like more than friends last weekend at Coachella. One source says they were “getting very close” and acting “very flirty“, while another source claims they were “super cozy doing the bumper cars.” Scott sort-of slyly confirmed something was up between them when he posted a picture on Facebook of the two of them with the caption, “Having a fun time at Coachella with this vampire,” followed by the winky-face emoji. Well, that settles it. The winky emoji? Looks like we can go ahead and stamp SOLVED on this mystery.
I don’t know if Scott is an upgrade for Nina or not. Nina spent three years with Vampire Diaries co-star Ian Somethingorother. Then she was rumored to be doing Liam Hemsworth for a bit. At the very least, we now know she has a type. And that type is guys who look like come-to-life hunks from Dream Phone. As for Scott, all I really know about his dating history is that he used to date a girl who cheated on him with Ashton Kutcher.
Obviously the most important part of this story is that quote about Nina and Scott getting “super cozy” on the bumper cars. I mean, why didn’t I know that they had bumper cars at Coachella? This completely changes everything. All this time I’ve been turning up my nose at Coachella, like it was a Kardashian’s sweat-soaked butt pad. And here I go finding out that they have bumper cars, aka a drunk fool’s favorite carnival ride. What a fool I’ve been.
Here’s more of Nina hanging out with Josh Hutcherson (okay sure?) at Coachella last weekend. The reigning queen of Coachella, Vanessa Hudgens, better watch out, because Nina is one large silver ring away from stealing her crown.
If Leo DiCaprio is the king of Coachella, then I think it’s safe to say that Jared Leto is the prince. And it appears he might have taken a princess this weekend at the annual jorts convention. The lucky lady in question is singer and victim of social media abuse Halsey. There’s a 23-year age difference between these two, but damn if they don’t look like they were born within seconds of each other. I’m sure the internet is furiously typing hipster Wonder Twins fanfic about these two as we speak.
A few pictures of Jared Leto looking like a late-in-life Jordan Catalano while hugging on Halsey at Coachella hit the internet this morning. I know they say a picture is worth 1000 words, but these pictures require the following: They’re doing it, right?
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) April 18, 2016
People says Jared and Halsey – who was there to perform – were also seen “standing together” while watching a performance. I took a few online body language classes before my credit card was declined, so I consider myself a bit of an expert. Now, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure Halsey and Jared’s twisted-up bodies and close-standing say “We just hooked up in a VIP tent.” I don’t know if Coachella actually provides VIP tents for sloppy mid-day hookups for famous people, but I would assume so. Coachella is nothing but an authentic festival experience.
Of course, this could just be two friends who took a bit too much E and couldn’t stop snuggling with each others auras (it happens). Or maybe Halsey got day drunk and mistook Jared for her maybe-girlfriend Ruby Rose. That would be the most convincing excuse if it gets to that point. “I honestly thought it was you! Although now that I think about it, the giant hard thing pressing into my lower back clearly wasn’t a smuggled-in bottle of booze.”