Category: Clint Eastwood

Open Post: Hosted By Scott Eastwood Giving You Miami Beach Body

July 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Here’s PLENTY of pics of Scott Eastwood living the life on a Miami Beach yesterday. The young Eastwood (his dad is the guy who talked to the chair at the Republican National Convention back in 2012) ran that ass along the beach, took a cooling dip in the water, and chatted up the ladies.

Scott and his people worked HARD to make Scott happen. They worked “need an internal organ” hard. It seems to have paid off. Sure, he looks like your standard swimsuit model from a Target circular, but he’s in some pretty big movies. He’s in the next Furious Fast Cars flick, and Suicide Squad, and Ben Affleck’s next directorial effort which hopefully, for Ben’s sake, doesn’t involve painful 3-hour long scenes of murky superheroes in CGI capes rueing the day they chose to fight crime until Wonder Woman shows up for 10 minutes to steal this awful movie. Although, it wasn’t that hard to steal. I fell asleep somewhere around when Jeremy Irons was obviously hating himself for taking a role in this pile of shit and woke up around the time dumb-ass Amy Adams threw the Kryptonite spear in the water and then had to go back in after it five minutes later. What an emotional arc her character went on.

Check out more pics of Scott Eastwood’s body in Miami below.

Pics: Splash

Bradley Cooper Is Replacing Clint Eastwood As The Director Of The “A Star Is Born” Remake

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

My thoughts exactly, Clint, my thoughts exactly.

A Star Is Born has been remade approximately 587 times and none of the remakes have been terrible (side-eyeing your ass if you think the one with Kris Kristofferson’s luscious hair was trash), so of course Hollywood has decided to completely butcher it, dip its mutilated parts in warm vomit and leave it in the gutter for the maggots to feast on. For years, Hollywood has been talking about making another A Star Is Born. The plan was for Clint Eastwood to direct and for Razzie nominee Beyonce to play the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. When our new messiah Blue Ivy Carter began gestating, Beyonce stepped back from the remake and Clint was supposedly talking to Esperanza Spalding about taking over. That went nowhere and then Clint checked out, because he wanted to focus on writing and directing a riveting and gripping biopic about that empty chair. (I WISH.)

The remake of A Star Is Born didn’t file itself under “Bullets We Dodged” when Clint walked away. It stayed alive and now Deadline says that Bradley Cooper, who was at one point in talks to star opposite Beyonce, is going to direct and act in it. This is how A MESS IS BORN.

According to Deadline, Warner Bros. is hoping B. Coop will make his directorial debut with this future mess and they also want him to star in it. Once B. Coop’s deal is done, they’re going to try to get Beyonce back on the project. B. Coop plans to get fully into this wreck after he finishes his run in The Elephant Man in London this summer.

On B. Coop’s IMDB page, he has zero solid directing credits, so it’s a great idea to let him direct a multi-million dollar feature film!

But seriously, you might be thinking to yourself “What could go wrong?” since B. Coop hasn’t really directed anything and Beyonce has the acting skills of a Styrofoam peanut. My response to that is: Nothing is going wrong and everything is going right, because I’ve been patiently waiting for a Glitter 2 and this could be it.

I just hope that Beyonce and B. Coop switch roles, because I’d pucker myself raw while watching his blue eyes twinkle as he crooned out his rendition of this:

The Real Reason Why A Fake Baby Was Used In American Sniper

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

I know, I know. It’s slow today and besides, this is an extremely important and highly relevant update about the biggest star in America today: the fake baby from American Sniper!

In my post yesterday about the breakout star of American Sniper, the low-budget Dollar Tree baby doll, I said that Clint Eastwood used a creepy prop baby, because he likes to direct really fast and a screaming, slobbering and farting human baby would hold him up. That’s not the truth, according to American Sniper’s screenwriter. In a tweet (which has since been deleted), Jason Hall said that they tried to give the job to a real, living and breathing human baby, but it didn’t work out, because babies either have the sicks or are flaky lazies. When journalist Mark Harris joked about the cheap ass plastic baby, Jason burped this up:

@MarkHarrisNYC hate to ruin the fun but real baby #1 showed up with a fever. Real baby #2 was no show. (Clint voice) Gimme the doll, kid.

I bet that irresponsible, lazy, rude baby is hating life right now (cut to the baby, now a 2 year old, laughing as it discovers it can fart).  That prop baby has probably already signed to WME, got a 4 picture deal which includes the starring role in a big-screen version of Talking Tina and has replaced fellow hollowed out empty vessel Kristen Stewart as the new face of Balenciaga. This will teach the irresponsible babies of this country that they have to stop being flaky and lazy or they will lose their jobs to plastic baby dolls. But really, I’m surprised that Clint Eastwood didn’t make Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller go full Clint Eastwood by acting with an invisible baby. It really would’ve added extra layers of mystery and drama to this hilarious scene:

And that doll on the shelf in the first few seconds… Is that what her legs look like or did the prop department not have another doll handy so they made one out of pink dildos?

Where The Hell Is The Oscar Nomination For The Fake Baby In American Sniper?

January 19, 2015 / Posted by:

But before we get into it, will somebody track down that prop baby’s agent and give them the number to a good fake baby plastic surgeon. Because that kid’s butt implant is slipping and it should use some of its American Sniper money to get that situation fixed.

I haven’t seen American Sniper yet, because I have a hard time getting into war movies and my idea of a good military movie is Private Benjamin. Besides, in American Sniper’s trailer, Sienna Miller cries into a phone and she does the same thing in Foxcatcher. A trick can only take so much of Sienna Miller crying into a phone. But I may force myself to see American Sniper so I can take in the brilliant and riveting performance of the fake, plastic baby (who I’m guessing is Chuckesmee’s little sister).

Seth Rogen’s favorite movie has made $134 million worldwide so far and all the credit for that movie’s success goes to the fake baby who delivered an emotionally raw and multi-layered performance as Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller’s kid. Not since Beyonce’s pillow bump and Kristen Stewart has an inanimate object delivered such a scene-stealing performance! Apparently, some people who have seen the movie are complaining about how cheap and fake the baby looks. It almost ruined the entire movie for them.

They don’t even use an animatronic baby. B. Coop had to move it with his fingers. The other hos in the Best Actor race can pack it up and go home, because that trophy belongs to B. Coop. Did Michael Keaton, Eddie Redmayne and the other nominees move a baby doll’s hand with their finger while keeping a serious face? I think not. THIS IS ACTING! THIS IS SKILL!

bradleycoopergifbaby

Anne Thompson, a film columnist, tells USA Today that Clint Eastwood used a fake baby, because he likes to shoot fast and he doesn’t have time for a real baby and its real baby problems:

“Basically, film professionals know that Eastwood likes to move fast on movie sets and recognize that he took the easy and less expensive route of using a fake baby — not even animatronic — that Cooper had to move himself to make it look lifelike!”

Also, Clint doesn’t like to use babies, because he wants be the only one on set who babbles incoherently.

And in related news, Pimp Mama Kris has announced that she’s starting a petition to get American Sniper stripped of its Oscar nominations and pulled from theaters. It is a sad day in Hollywood when fake babies are taking jobs away from human babies. If this becomes a trend and fake babies are hired over real babies, what are pimp moms and dads going to do for money?!

GIF: ONTD

Clint Eastwood Will Give Dina Eastwood A Spousal Support Check When She Pries It From His Cold, Dead Hands

December 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Yes, up until three seconds ago, I thought Clint Eastwood was the one who made that line sort of famous. And yes, up until three seconds ago, I also learned that Clint Eastwood and Charlton Heston are two different people. The more you Google, the more you know.

Over the summer, gold diggers who have trained in the art of seducing senile, old, rich coots grabbed their shovels and went to work when Clint Eastwood and Dina Eastwood announced that their marriage had a chalk outline around it. The news came a few months after Dina went to rehab for anxiety and the sads. TMZ says that Clint is giving Dina a couple more things to be anxious about, because he’s fighting her ass in their divorce battle. Dina is the one who filed for divorce and Clint recently filed his own papers shooting down her request for spousal support and full custody of their 16-year-old daughter Morgan. Clint asked the court to give him joint custody of Morgan and he doesn’t want to send Dina a monthly check. Radar adds that Clint and Dina have a prenup and they actually broke up a full year before they announced it.

Since they have a prenup, I’m sure Clint is giving Dina a house and/or a lump sum of cash for licking the liver spots on his dick and the dry spots on his balls for 17 years. If Dina signed a prenup that states that all she gets is the memories of Clint taking his teeth out before eating her out, then she is a pox on the house of gold diggers! But what’s worse is, if Clint doesn’t give her a pile of money, she’ll have to run off to E! and beg them to bring back her truly awful reality shit show. So please, give her a check, Clint. Your soulmate (aka that empty chair) wants you to do it. It told me so!

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