Those poor White House staffers. First, they have to deal with all the email fall-out from Donald Trump Jr. this week, and now they’re sitting around knowing a “The only thing ‘Invisible’ about FAILING Clay Aiken is his career. I was always team Velvet Teddy Bear. #RubenStuddard” tweet is probably brewing from the West Wing.
The beginning of the end of American Idol happened last night and I completely forgot it was on (so did everybody else), but Clay Aiken didn’t. America’s second most famous ginger power lesbian (Rojo Caliente being the first, duh) and the almost-congressman delivered brand new information when he said on Twitter that the show is now a lifeless puddle of boring and he now knows why the ratings have fallen like early-aughts Paula Abdul after drinking too much Vicodin and Valium tea.
Some of us old, wrinkly, white pubes-having whores who watched American Idol in the olden days miss the train wreck singers, the cunty-wrapped nuggets that flew out of Simon Cowell’s mouth and Paula Abdul being a pilled-up mess. Clay misses those days too and while watching the three drips, JLo, Harry Connick Jr. and Keith Urban, judge the singers last night, he let out a huge yawn on Twitter.
I didn’t really keep up with the election results last night, because as far as I know Anderson Cooper didn’t read the results while sprawled out naked on a newsdesk. I watched gay porn instead (so I guess it was more like “Erection Night” for me, sorry). But I did check in every now and again to see if North Carolina’s 2nd district would be come Claymate central. It’s not going to. Clay “Always A Bridesmaid” Aiken was once again first runner-up. The good news for Clay is that at least he didn’t have to hear the news from Ryan Seacrest’s smug frog face.
The day started out pretty shitty for Howdy Doody’s preppy cousin when his campaign bus broke down after he voted for himself. It was a sign! As the results started coming in, Clay Aiken realized that he was going to be the Clay Aiken to his opponent Congresswoman Renee Ellmers’ Ruben Studdard. Renee Ellmers got almost 59% of the votes and is now representing North Carolina’s 2nd district in the House of Representatives.
HuffPo says that North Carolina’s 2nd district is mostly Republican and Clay ran as a Democrat, so he was the underdog in that battle and everyone expected Renee Ellmers to take the crown. A black cloud covered Clay’s campaign a few months ago when his opponent for the Democrat spot died. This was Clay’s first time running for political office.
Clay losing makes me ask myself, do the Claymates even exist anymore? Are they as rare as a Dlisted post without at least one fuck up in it? Are there no longer any middle-aged, Walmart-shopping, Dodge Grand Caravan-driving crazy ladies who stitch a clean and fresh picture of Clay’s face onto the crotch of their cotton panties every morning? I have a feeling that the Claymates still exist and those shifty bitches sabotaged Clay and voted against him. Because if Clay won, he’d be too busy doing whatever politicians do (get drunk at lunch and troll for ass on their smarts phones – heh, that’s my job description too) and he wouldn’t have time to give them a hot flash sequel by performing in a county fair concert or a regional production of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. If Clay became a full-time politician, he wouldn’t be able to summon the curdled panty pudding out of them by giving them pucker-inducing images like this:
I see you, Claymates. How can you call yourself Claymates and Americans?! Those dumb Claymates. If Clay won, he was going to wear that to his swearing in ceremony.
We can finally close the chapter on The Fappening now that we have future North Carolina Congessman Clay Aiken’s thoughts on it. Clay did an interview with The Washington Post (via HuffPo) about his campaign and they asked him what he thinks about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and dozens of other celebrities finding their naked pictures spread all over the Internet after they got hacked. Jennifer Lawrence won’t be getting a sympathy bouquet of carnations and balloons from Clay Aiken anytime soon, because he thinks that she and all of the other celebrities who took pictures of their nipples and coochies got exactly what they deserve.
“Anybody who takes inappropriate pictures of themselves deserves exactly what they get.”
Clay probably said that with confidence, because he just finished up yanking every pictures of his peen and spread ass cheeks off of THE CLOUD.
Clay’s definition of “inappropriate” is totally different than mine. Pictures of tits, ass and chocha aren’t “inappropriate” to me. I mean, it’s just tits, ass and chocha. Now that picture of Clay Aiken in full Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream drag is highly inappropriate to me. It still haunts my nightmares.
Since taking pictures of your half-naked body is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE to Clay, I’m guessing he didn’t feel any sympathy for himself when a trick he allegedly tried to hook up with on the Internet sold their conversation and webcam shots of him to The National Enquirer. (Clay has always denied that this is his ass.)
Clay also told The Washington Times that the hackers deserve to be hogtied and then he swerved back into the political lane since he’s a serious politician now.
“Of course whoever [stole and released the photos] should be hogtied. And it’s unfortunate that we don’t have Internet security right now or the laws in place to protect people from pirating that stuff.”
I know what Clay is really trying to do here. When Clay opens up his email every single morning, the first thing he sees is a picture of a 40-something Claymate with her mom jeans and cotton granny panties pulled down to her knees and on her crotch is a bushy patch of pubes with his initials shaved into them. This is his way of telling them to stop.
Radar says that contrary to popular folklore, Clay Aiken isn’t a ridiculously rich gay leprechaun who follows the rainbow shooting out of his ass to get to a giant pot of gold whenever he needs money. (I know, my brain twisted from picturing Clay following a rainbow shooting out of his ass. Nobody has ever accused me of making sense.) Clay doesn’t make that much money on his own and he pays his bills mostly from the child support he gets from his friend and the mother of his 5-year-old son, Jaymes Foster. Clay’s son Parker mostly lives with Jaymes in Los Angeles, but she pays Clay $90,000 a year in child support, because she wants her son to live in the fancy life he’s accustomed to whenever he visits his daddy. In related news, I will be going to confession for the first time in centuries so I can ask a priest where did I go wrong, because I want a $7,500 monthly check for jacking off into a turkey baster while browsing through Sean Cody.
Radar source says that Jaymes, who is David Foster’s sister, and future North Carolina Congressman Clay Aiken have been fighting over custody issues in court for years. Jaymes is hoping that Clay wins the Congressional seat in the fall so she won’t have to pay him as much in child support. Jaymes is praying hard for a miracle, because the Congressional District that Clay’s running in is very Republican and he’s running as a Democrat.
“Clay is given a substantial amount of child support from her. The basis for the child support payment — which is more than $7,500 a month — is that Jaymes is raising Parker in a very luxurious lifestyle, therefore, Clay needs to be able to maintain and provide that for his son also. So, mommy pays for that.
Jaymes is hoping that Clay wins his bid to become a Congressman so she could petition the Court to reduce his child support payments. Clay doesn’t have any other source of steady income besides his monthly child support from Jaymes.”
The source also said that Clay wants to keep living the luxurious life without working and keeps trying to milk more money out of Jaymes.
There’s something fishy about this story and I never thought I’d say that about a Clay Aiken story. This story reeks of the thick, yeasty scent of SMEAR CAMPAIGN. I see what Clay’s opponents are doing. Transparent bitches. They’re nervous that he will pull a huge upset and after he wins, their district will be overrun with Claymates. I can’t blame them, but now they’re getting desperate and painting Clay as a gold digging, deadbeat gay leprechaun dad. Desperate tactic is desperate. Nobody’s buying it, because we all know that if Clay was really hard up for cash, all he would have to do is tweet a link to a Kickstarter campaign titled “My Name is Clay Aiken and I Need Money.” It would make $100 million in an hour and I’m low-balling that estimate. The child of every Claymate would hear the line, “I’m sorry I had to sell you to a child labor camp, but you can’t expect mommy’s God to sleep on sheets that are less than 800 thread count, right?”
That horizontal stripe v-neck sweater…. Those white patio rattan chairs from HomeGoods… That politician hair part…. That picture is to middle-aged Claymates as the men’s underwear section of the JCPenney catalog was to my 12-year-old self. The dormant clits of the Claymates awake and burst into flames every time they see that picture.
So, Clay Aiken’s dream of becoming North Carolina’s newest congressginge was one step closer to actually happening last week when he held a 369 vote lead over his opponent Keith Crisco after the Democratic primary. The winner was going to battle it out against Republican Rep Renee Ellmers in the general election. Clay Aiken hasn’t been declared the winner yet, because the race was way too close to call and officials were considering a recount or a two-man run-off. Sadly, officials weren’t ever considering a sing-off between Aiken and Crisco. But the Aiken vs. Crisco battle (“Gurrrrrl, that isn’t the first time I’ve tried overcome a Crisco situation” – Clay Aiken) took a sharp turn on Weird And Sad Way when 71-year-old Keith Crisco suddenly and unexpectedly dropped dead at his home in North Carolina yesterday. NBC News says that Keith Crisco died from injuries suffered from a fall. Clay Aiken’s people said they are suspending his campaign and he released this statement about his opponent’s death:
“I am stunned and deeply saddened by Keith Crisco’s death. He was a gentleman, a good and honorable man, and an extraordinary public servant. I was honored to know him.”
The conspiracy theories have already been smeared all over the Internet and some are pointing fingers at the gay mafia… I don’t think the gay mafia had anything to do with this. Maybe there’s nothing ESCANDALOSO about Keith Crisco’s death. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Keith Crisco’s neighbors report that before his death, a group of pear-shaped 50-something women in mom jeans, puffy paint t-shirts and beige Skechers were seen wobbling away from his house before getting into their Subarus. Fuck, the gay mafia, the Claymates are the REAL threat.
UPDATE: Clay was announced the winner of the NC Dem congressional primary. Get your umbrellas out, because the Claymates are going to squirt out a geyser of panty pudding. What goes up….