But Why Isn’t Tarzan Wearing A Loincloth?

A quick second after Warner Bros. made twat lips pucker and b-holes faint by releasing those pictures of Alexander Skarsgard looking all buff, wet, sensitive and dirty (Just how I like ’em!), they dropped the first trailer for The Legend of Tarzan and it doesn’t reach the Pan-levels of ridiculousness I thought it would reach. But there’s still something really, really, really, really wrong with it.

TARZAN IS STILL WEARING THOSE STUPID ASS KHAKI CAPRIS FROM CHICO’S!

Tarzan is supposed to be the hot King of the Jungle, he’s not supposed to be a sassy suburban mom named Beverly (her friends call her Bevy) who is going to swing by Target real quick to pick up some Barefoot pink moscato because her husband’s out of town and she wants to get her buzz on while watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie for the 20th time. Tarzan shouldn’t be having a Chico’s kind of day. Yeah, yeah, I know that in this Tarzan movie, he’s supposed to be a modern day man or whatever, but that is no excuse. First of all, it’s a movie with CGI animals. It doesn’t have to make sense. Second of all, what’s the point of casting ASkars as Tarzan if you’re not going to put him in a banana hammock that’s made of actual banana peels?

Here’s hoping that early in the movie, Tarzan’s ape friends find a way to tell him that he looks a mess in those capris. So they take him shopping for loincloths and we get a Pretty Woman-style dressing room montage set to “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. I’m going to choose to believe that happens in the movie.

On a positive note, it’s nice to see that Christoph Waltz is showing off his range by playing the type of character he’s never played before. And here’s Christoph at The Hateful Eight premiere in Hollywood a couple of nights ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Behold, The New Bond Girls

I know, that should be a picture of Phoebe Price and Angelyne. Maybe the Bond producers will get it right one day.

Nearly everything about the 24th Bond movie was announced at a press conference at Pinewood Studios in London this morning. I say “nearly,” because they didn’t say who’s doing the theme song. The rumor is that it’s going to be Sam Smith, but I’d bet my weed money that it’s going to be Majela ZeZe Diamond. 2015 will finally be her year.

Bond producer Barbara Broccoli (who is my favorite producer because she has a name like a VeggieTales character) and director Sam Mendes announced that the newest Bond movie will be called Spectre and it will be released on November 6, 2015. Shooting will start on Monday and they’ll shoot in London, Mexico City, the Austrian Alps and Morocco. Bond’s car of choice will be the Aston Martin DB10. Daniel Craig will of course be back as Bond and joining his ass again will be Naomie Harris as Eve, Ben Wishaw as Q and Ralph Fineass as the new M. The Bond newbies are Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, Andrew Scott from Sherlock and Dave Bautista.

Some tricks said that Andrew Scott will play the villain, but that might not be true. It was announced that Andrew Scott will be an M15 agent. Christoph Waltz is probably playing Bond’s arch rival Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Of course Christoph Waltz is the villain. He’s a Bond villain in real life. He’s also like Joan Collins. Joan Collins can never play poor just like Christoph Waltz can never play good. Dave Bautista is playing some henchman and the Bond girls will be Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. The Daily Mail points out that at 50 years old, Monica Bellucci is the most seasoned Bond girl of all time. STAINS’ hunky British human cousin Daniel Craig is 46.

The role is especially poignant for the actress – she almost played Paris Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies in 1997, only to lose out on the role to Teri Hatcher.

The raven-haired beauty – who will play Lucia Sciarra – said: ‘James Bond is our fantasy – the ideal man. The man is a protector, he is dangerous, mysterious and sexy, and a perfect English gentleman.

Monica Bellucci is 50. SHE’S FIF-TEE! I’m guessing that Spectre is about Bond’s search for the kind of virgin blood that Lucia Sciarra smears on her face. But more importantly, what happened in 1996? Was there some kind of gas leak in the offices of the Bond producers that caused them to go crazy in the brains and cast Teri Hatcher over Monica Bellucci? At least Monica’s time has finally come. I’ll say what you say to yourself when your drunk piece finally busts one after 45 minutes of you giving him a hand job: Better late than never!

Pics: Wenn.com

Quentin Tarantino “Shocks” The Ears Of Reporters By Dropping The N-Word In The Golden Globes Press Room

It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino’s acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the “rat-faced people” and the camera immediately cut to QT’s face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone’s foot and didn’t listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.

At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:

No, not really, because it’s… If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they’re actually saying that I should soften it, they’re saying I should lie, they’re saying I should whitewash, they’re saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters.”

E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, “Please no ‘nigger questions’. Black people questions are all right.”

QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I’m not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn’t use it in his acceptance speech. I’m surprised he didn’t thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would’ve been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.

And here’s a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.