Matt Damon’s promo tour for his latest film, Downsizing, has sort of snowballed into a disastrous hijacking of the #MeToo campaign. Matt has argued that there are “levels” to sexual harassment, and that men who haven’t sexually assaulted anyone deserve an enthusiastic pat on the back. Matt was supposed to attend the Downsizing premiere in Los Angeles on Monday night, but he didn’t go. I guess downsizing Matt Damon’s public appearances is one way to ensure more dumb thoughts about sexual harassment don’t come out of his mouth and into the microphone of a reporter.
It was bad enough that The Legend of Tarzan’s not-right director vetoed Alexander Skarsgård swinging around the CGI jungle in a skimpy loincloth. We’ve now learned that there was a kissing scene between him and villain Christoph Waltz that was excised from the final product. Why not just have Tarzan rule the jungle in a parka, several petticoats, and a chastity belt?
The Playlist quotes director David Yates discussing a scene wherein Waltz (does he ever not play heavily accented inappropriate people?) kisses Eric Northman, former Sheriff of Area 5. While he’s unconscious. Wait – maybe not that sexy.
“We pared it back because it was almost too much. It was this really odd, odd moment when Christoph kisses him,” the director told The Times. “We loved it at the time. But early test audiences were perplexed by it and in the end it just felt too clever and overworked.”
I don’t know what’s so odd about wanting to kiss Alexander Skarsgård. Granted, Christoph Waltz smooching him while he’s unconscious might not be the homoerotic experience we all wish for Skarsgård. But that flick looks like it can use all the help it can get. They should have gone really primal with this mess and had ASKars running around nekkid like the apes that raised him. Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote a ridiculous-ass story, so really go with it. Minus the flinging of shit.
And of course test audiences were perplexed. Test audiences are always perplexed. I’m pretty sure test audiences aren’t actually human. They put some cattle to graze in front of the screen. When they low at something, some dipshit producer looks up from his coke tray and demands the scene be cut. Hollywood is the worst.
Here’s some pics of an overly dressed Alexander Skarsgård leaving the Groucho Club in London this week.
Pics: Warner Bros.,Splash
In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.
As Channing Tatum, Zoe Bell, Tim Roth and Christoph Waltz watched, Quentin Tarantino pressed his hands and feets into wet cement during his hand and footprint ceremony at the TCL Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday. It doesn’t really make sense that they asked QT to press his hands and feet into a block of cement. Do they even know him?! If they really wanted to pay tribute to QT, they should’ve let him press his tongue into that block of cement instead. Just thinking about all those feet walking on his tongueprint at the Chinese Theater would probably make QT’s tip get more than moist.
A quick second after Warner Bros. made twat lips pucker and b-holes faint by releasing those pictures of Alexander Skarsgard looking all buff, wet, sensitive and dirty (Just how I like ’em!), they dropped the first trailer for The Legend of Tarzan and it doesn’t reach the Pan-levels of ridiculousness I thought it would reach. But there’s still something really, really, really, really wrong with it.
TARZAN IS STILL WEARING THOSE STUPID ASS KHAKI CAPRIS FROM CHICO’S!
Tarzan is supposed to be the hot King of the Jungle, he’s not supposed to be a sassy suburban mom named Beverly (her friends call her Bevy) who is going to swing by Target real quick to pick up some Barefoot pink moscato because her husband’s out of town and she wants to get her buzz on while watching the Fifty Shades of Grey movie for the 20th time. Tarzan shouldn’t be having a Chico’s kind of day. Yeah, yeah, I know that in this Tarzan movie, he’s supposed to be a modern day man or whatever, but that is no excuse. First of all, it’s a movie with CGI animals. It doesn’t have to make sense. Second of all, what’s the point of casting ASkars as Tarzan if you’re not going to put him in a banana hammock that’s made of actual banana peels?
Here’s hoping that early in the movie, Tarzan’s ape friends find a way to tell him that he looks a mess in those capris. So they take him shopping for loincloths and we get a Pretty Woman-style dressing room montage set to “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. I’m going to choose to believe that happens in the movie.
On a positive note, it’s nice to see that Christoph Waltz is showing off his range by playing the type of character he’s never played before. And here’s Christoph at The Hateful Eight premiere in Hollywood a couple of nights ago.
I know, that should be a picture of Phoebe Price and Angelyne. Maybe the Bond producers will get it right one day.
Nearly everything about the 24th Bond movie was announced at a press conference at Pinewood Studios in London this morning. I say “nearly,” because they didn’t say who’s doing the theme song. The rumor is that it’s going to be Sam Smith, but I’d bet my weed money that it’s going to be Majela ZeZe Diamond. 2015 will finally be her year.
Bond producer Barbara Broccoli (who is my favorite producer because she has a name like a VeggieTales character) and director Sam Mendes announced that the newest Bond movie will be called Spectre and it will be released on November 6, 2015. Shooting will start on Monday and they’ll shoot in London, Mexico City, the Austrian Alps and Morocco. Bond’s car of choice will be the Aston Martin DB10. Daniel Craig will of course be back as Bond and joining his ass again will be Naomie Harris as Eve, Ben Wishaw as Q and Ralph Fineass as the new M. The Bond newbies are Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, Monica Bellucci, Andrew Scott from Sherlock and Dave Bautista.
Some tricks said that Andrew Scott will play the villain, but that might not be true. It was announced that Andrew Scott will be an M15 agent. Christoph Waltz is probably playing Bond’s arch rival Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Of course Christoph Waltz is the villain. He’s a Bond villain in real life. He’s also like Joan Collins. Joan Collins can never play poor just like Christoph Waltz can never play good. Dave Bautista is playing some henchman and the Bond girls will be Monica Bellucci and Lea Seydoux. The Daily Mail points out that at 50 years old, Monica Bellucci is the most seasoned Bond girl of all time. STAINS’ hunky British human cousin Daniel Craig is 46.
The role is especially poignant for the actress – she almost played Paris Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies in 1997, only to lose out on the role to Teri Hatcher.
The raven-haired beauty – who will play Lucia Sciarra – said: ‘James Bond is our fantasy – the ideal man. The man is a protector, he is dangerous, mysterious and sexy, and a perfect English gentleman.
Monica Bellucci is 50. SHE’S FIF-TEE! I’m guessing that Spectre is about Bond’s search for the kind of virgin blood that Lucia Sciarra smears on her face. But more importantly, what happened in 1996? Was there some kind of gas leak in the offices of the Bond producers that caused them to go crazy in the brains and cast Teri Hatcher over Monica Bellucci? At least Monica’s time has finally come. I’ll say what you say to yourself when your drunk piece finally busts one after 45 minutes of you giving him a hand job: Better late than never!