Before Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s nanny Mindy Mann was the nanny/husband fucker of the moment, Christine Ouzounian was ruling the nanny/side ho/shameless attention whore game. Christine the Nanny was racking up those fame whore credits by cruising down the stroll in her drop top Lexus and posing for staged paparazzi bikini shoots. But then she sort of disappeared and I figured she was laying low while working on her tell-all, a spread in Hustler and an Oxygen reality show. Well, Entertainment Tonight says that you shouldn’t expect Christine to make the most out of her 5 seconds of fame by reenacting her alleged affair with Ben Affleck in a soft-core porn titled The Hand That Rocked Batman’s Dick, because she’s currently living in the Bahamas with a dude she used to be engaged to.
Several tabloid sources said that Ben Affleck’s ex-nanny/piece Christine Ouzounian hasn’t spilled it in a tell-all interview yet, because she thinks she still has a chance with him and doesn’t want to piss him off. But a source tells Radar that Ben Affleck is done with her ass and he’s so done with her that he changed his number so she can’t get a hold of him. Ben Affleck isn’t new, so you’d think he’d know that the quickest way to light the fuse of a crazy, stalking ex-piece is to change your number. That will set a bitch off.
The source says that when Ben got back to L.A. after spending time in Atlanta with Jennifer Garner and his kids, he let The Nanny know that she is no Fran Fine and he doesn’t want a relationship with her. When The Nanny kept calling, he killed his number and got a new one.
“Christine had been calling Ben’s cell phone a lot after he came back to Los Angeles. But Ben made it obvious to Christine that he had no interest in a relationship. She wasn’t taking the hint, so after the calls continued, Ben changed his cell phone number to get Christine off his back.”
Not that I know from experience (cut to every one of my exes throwing me a “bitch, really” face), but when an insane ex piece is in the middle of blowing up your phone and you cut them off by canceling your number, they will transform into an Alex Forrest-like nightmare. They will wait outside of your house, they will cause a sloppy scene at your job, they will call your mom to trash you and they will look for you in every nook, cranny and casino cocktail waitresses’ snatch. They will not be ignored. What am I saying? The Nanny doesn’t have to go to those lengths to find Ben. All she has to do is ask her new friends, the paparazzi, where he’s at since I’m sure Jennifer Garner emails them his itinerary every morning.
That’s an “All I had to do was give Ben my pink box!” smile if I ever saw one. Every time I see Christine Ouzounian’s name, I want to shout “Opa!” and take a shot prior to my big fat wedding. Page Six claims that 2015’s breakout homewrecker is reportedly looking for television deals to lengthen her ill-gotten fame. Is there a more American story, I ask you? This one is driving around Santa Monica in her Lexus convertible (which may be a hush-mobile), flipping her hair, and sipping wine al fresco by the hotel pool. That’s the damn life. Where do I sign up to be a nanny? Do you have to actually interact with the children?
“The word in LA is that Christine is looking for an agent and wants a TV deal, on something like ‘The Bachelorette’ or ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ She knows she most likely can’t go back to nannying — who in LA would hire her now to take care of their kids? So she’s going to use the spotlight to build a showbiz career.”
The sad part is that you could totally see her on both those shows. The funny part is “she most likely can’t go back to nannying.” HAH! Ya think? I’m assuming the agency stamped “husband fucker” across her file in blood red.
Ouzounian is also said to still be considering opening her shameless hussy hole (the one on top) for a tell-all TV or magazine interview. Unfortunately for “The Nanny,” signing a non-disclosure agreement is standard for your typical Hollywood nanny before she gets to wiping asses. If she did, Bennifer 2: The Final Chapter could bring her ass to court. Although courtroom dramz is probably what she wants.
This trick better watch her ass. Jennifer Garner was Sydney Bristow. Did you see the Alias season 2 finale when she fought her friend’s lookalike in one of the best TV fight scenes of all time? She was flipping off walls and shooting people! Keep the motor running on that Lexus, honey.
Check out more pics of Christine Ouzouian in the gallery below.
— Hunter Hirn (@HunterHirn) August 15, 2015
As you can see in the picture above, estranged spouse types Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner spent their Saturday at Universal Studios in Florida. Because nothing says “Pay no attention to that nanny over there” like working your happy family game at the happiest place on Earth. Sorry Disney, but you’ll get that happiest place title back once you set up Mickey with a liquor license, and no, Epcot doesn’t count.
But really, they were there to celebrate Ben’s 43rd birthday. Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why Ben chose Universal Studios for his birthday. Dude went for the booze. I’ve been twice (I know, I’m basically Baby Prince George), and after you watch a sweat cocktail collect in your shoes from the sweat dripping down your neck, back, pussy, and crack while waiting in the never-ending lines of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, you’ll be ready for 10 beers. It’s bleak. It’s like a giant maze constructed to test your sanity. I once waited 4 hours to ride this thing called Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, which is basically where you pretend to ride a broomstick. I could have gotten high and rode a real broomstick at home! I’m a chump.
TMZ has a blurry picture of Ben and Jen and the kids strolling around Universal Studios on Saturday. One picture? And it’s blurry as hell? Maybe their regular army of paps put the directions into the GPS wrong and ended up at Gatorland instead.
UsWeekly says Ben and Jen were also joined at Universal Studios by Ben’s mom. I don’t know what kind of mom Mama Affleck is, but I would love it if she was the type who spent the whole day pestering him about Christine Ouzounian. “Ben…Ben…stop walking so fast. Listen, did you buy that nanny a Lexus or not? Ben, stop pretending you don’t hear me. I know you hear me Ben. Ben! Get back here! I gave birth to you!“
Christine Ouzowhatever debuted her brand new Lexus convertible on Instagram earlier this week and some guessed that she got it using the stack of cash Ben Affleck stuck in her mouth to keep quiet and others guessed she got it using the stack of cash the tabloids threw at her to slowly tell her side of the scandal. Well, InTouchWeekly claims that car was paid for with Ben Affleck’s money and TMZ says the exact opposite. Who to believe?!?!
A source tells InTouch that Christine the Nanny is no longer living at the Hotel Bel-Air. She allegedly checked out and moved into a $10,000-a-month house that Ben is paying for. The source says that Ben is afraid that Christine will completely go off the rails and tell anyone who puts a mic in front of her mouth about her relationship with him. So he’s keeping her lips shut by filling her checking account with thousands of dollars a month:
“She bought a brand-new Lexus convertible with the money he gave her. Christine can’t afford a $50,000 car and a home that rents for $10,000 a month — she was making a nanny’s salary. You do the math.”
But TMZ is telling a different story. Their sources, who are “very close to the situation,” say that Ben has zero contact with her and his money didn’t pay for her Lexus or her stay at the Hotel Bel-Air.
If this really was the sequel to Gone Girl, Christine wouldn’t be getting all that money from Ben or the tabloids. In a dark office somewhere, a shadowy figure sits in front of a computer and we see them transfer thousands of dollars from an off-shore account to Christine the Nanny’s account. The transfer is completed. The shadowy figure picks up a lighter on the desk, brings it up to the cigarette hanging out of their mouth and after they flick the lighter, the flame illuminates their face and we see that it’s none other than Jennifer Garner! Jennifer takes a long drag from the cigarette, blows out the smoke and then drops her head back while laughing, because her plan titled “Operation: Make Ben Affleck Looks Like A Desperate, Pathetic, Sleazy Sugar Daddy” is working!
Here’s Christine the Nanny eating up the attention while taking her Lexus for a drive yesterday.
To quote the wise poet Trina: “While y’all sucking dick for free I’m broke off ho/ See it pays to be the boss ho/ Shit that’s how you floss hoes.”
While most of us were overdosing on shamelessness from staring at the picture of The Nanny (Side note: I can feel you all throwing a FranFineIsMortified.GIF at me for calling that ho “The Nanny.”) happily posing on a private jet with Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings on her fingers, she took a little break from racking up a bill at the Hotel Bel-Air and drove around in her new Lexus IS convertible (which starts at around $43,000). Entertainment Tonight posted a picture from Christine Ouzounian’s Instagram account of her giving you ten pounds of audaciousness while showing off her new ride. Christine added this caption to the picture:
“Keep Calm and meet new drop top Lexi.”
Either Christine the Nanny got that Lexus the L.A. way (LEASE!) or she bought it with Ben Affleck’s hush money or Jennifer Garner’s hush money or tabloid money or she was just out test driving it and decided to get a little more attention on the Internet by taking a picture with it. Whatever the case may be, I’m really starting to appreciate this brazen bitch’s hustle. She is slowly milking her 15 seconds of fame whore fame for all its worth. Bitch is going to get every last drop. First she called herself “a girl on fire” on Instagram and now she’s flashing her Lexus. I’m sure later today she’ll Instagram a picture of her rolling around on a bed of $100 bills while only wearing Batman Underoos.
But really, I am a little disappointed with Christine the Nanny’s caption. I wished she would’ve went full shameless hussy by writing: “On my way to steal your man.”
Here’s Ben in Downtown L.A. the other day.