The Hollywood Reporter says that biopics about 1920s jazz legend Zelda Fitzgerald are so in right now, because there are currently two biopics about her in production, one starring popcorn mogul Scarlett Johansson and one starring sassy nacho burp Jennifer Lawrence.
It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.
Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.
Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.
Well, technically the actress who played Wednesday Addams, although Hollywood has become so hell-bent on shitting on each and every one of your memories that I wouldn’t put it past them to reboot the Addams Family franchise with a Disney Channel original movie about a grown-up Wednesday struggling to raise her rebellious 13-year-old daughter Thursday (“Gawd mom, I go by Kaylee now! Ugh, why are you so totally weird!? Come on Thing, let’s go to the mall.”)
But back to what’s really important. Christina Ricci, perpetual doll-faced human and forever-Kate Flax, has confirmed to Us Weekly that there is a tiny bug-eyed giant-foreheaded fetus growing inside her womb. And no, the baby daddy isn’t Casper (I’m really digging deep with some of these Ricci references today). The person responsible for her knocking-up is her husband of 7 months, James Heerdegen, a dolly grip that she met on the set of Pan Am.
The Daily Mail has some recent pictures of Christina Ricci cruising through LAX and to say she is pregnant is an understatement; homegirl is chock full o’ child. It’s throwing me off pretty hard; I don’t know if she’s 3 months or 4 weeks past her due-date. In other news, I know nothing about pregnancy. But she does look very Posh Spice in the face, so I’d say her pregnancy is going well so far (Posh Spice face is always the look, pregnant or not).
As UsWeekly pointed out last night, Miley Cyrus showed up to the VMAs last night with Pink’s signature butch bitch mohawk on her head. Pink clearly has this, because she’s had a white cockatoo on the top of her dome for what feels like years and she really went hardcore by wearing a hair clip that looks parking lot spikes. Don’t back up! Miley clearly doesn’t have this, because (maybe it’s the lighting) but that Jedward mop is almost the exact shade of an old urinal cake and it makes her look a Top Chef reject (because you know, they only accept a certain number of blond mohawks every season).
Yes, Miley looks like if Mad Max took place on top of Honey Boo Boo’s dumpster boutique, but she can easily save this look. All she has to do is get a nose-to-ear chain and add a long fall of microbraids to the back of her heard. The world of glamour just hasn’t been the same since Jane Child disappeared and Miley’s hillbilly chipmunk ass can feel that void.
And since I have other highly important CNN-worthy news stories to get to today, I’m just going throw up a bunch of pictures from last night. Here those bitches are:
Taylor Swift looking like an American Girl doll as a pharmaceutical sales rep (Pro tip of the day: Do not watch Taylor’s high school musical theater performance. Watch Bye, Bye Birdie instead).
Emma Watson serving up some Scooby Snack realness. It’s like something you’d see on Project Runway if the designers had to make a dress out of old Scooby Doo Gang costumes.
Jessica Szohr looking like a miniaturized and deflated Big Ang.
Amber Roast and Wiz Khalifa told anybody with a mic that she’s knocked up. They said it on the red carpet and then he said it on stage. It was annoying when Beyonce did it last year and it was extra annoying when these two bitches did it last night. I guarantee you that if Amber and Wiz announced she’s pregnant in an empty Piggy Wiggly parking lot, they’d get the same reaction they got while announcing it to millions of people last night.
And here’s the rest: Zoe Saldana, Alicia Keys, Green Day, One Direction and Katy Perry.
There’s my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he’s going to miss. I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza. HEARTS.
In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love. I’m actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They’ve worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won’t Back Down on his Recovery LP in ’10.
According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia’s Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:
“He said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” “F*** yeah!”
I said, “Do you want to do a song with me?” and he said, “F*** yeah!”
‘Handshake. Nothing signed. Done.”
Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more “FUCK YEAH” at work and a lot less “yes ma’am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you”?? Wouldn’t it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
“You want this burger and fries bitch?”
“Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?”
And second, fuck yeah.
Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning….HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don’t judge me.
And to celebrate Pink’s motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night’s MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn’t do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn’t do it, because he’s not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad’s guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren’t having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins…
Anyway, here’s a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a “Where’s a strap-on when you really need one?” or “This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!” side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.