Category: Christina Hendricks

Okay, So Jon Hamm Did Thank Jennifer Westfeldt (And Their Dog) Last Night

September 21, 2015 / Posted by:

When Jon Hamm’s acceptance was over last night, I wondered if he Hilary Swank’d it by not thanking his now ex-piece Jennifer Westfeldt. My ears didn’t hear the words, “Thank you, Jennifer Westfeldt,” but then again, I really wasn’t listening since all of my focus was on trying to spot any sign of the Hammaconda. (I always focus on the highly important things.) Jon Hamm did thank his partner/mother figure of 18 years…right after he thanked their dog first.

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The “Dark Places” Trailer Is Here

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I’ve been trying to read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn for at least a year. Like Jon Hamm trying to fuck an extra tight hole, I can’t get into it all the way. I speed read through her other books, Gone Girl and Sharp Objects, in a quick minute, but Dark Places is just not holding me. I make it to about 10 pages before I say to myself, “I would rather be watching porn or Love It Or List It,” so I drop my Kindle and go and do that. I have stopped and re-started that book at least 5 times. I finally said “fuckit” after finding out the movie’s coming out this year, because we all know that the movie is ALWAYS better than the book. But then I watched the French trailer today and um…well….

The French trailer came out first, because it opens in France on April 8th. It doesn’t have a US release date yet.

Charlize Theron feels beyond miscast in this shit. When I read it, I pictured a busted and raggedy Amy Adams. The character is supposed to be kind of plain and broke off. Charlie went all out for Monster, but they didn’t even try to homely her up for this mess. They put a ball cap on her head and called it a day. And the movie just looks like one long low-budget truTV reenactment. Shit, I guess I have to try to finish the book after all.

What In 1970s Prom Hell, Christina?

October 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Christina Hendrix showed up to the 5th Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Pacific Palisades, CA yesterday, and for some ungodly reason she chose the Napoleon Dynamite reject outfit above to wear to the event. NO. Awkward Family Photo 70s tux/doily combo Christina…really?? I can’t.

I know that the whole world yells at her to put her ridiculous pillowlicious chi chis away once in awhile but this is taking it way too far. That “ensemble” is tata jail. Illegal. FREE THE TATAS!!! And not only is it tata jail, it’s face/hair/shoes/body/all of it jail that sucks the life from everything else in a 5 mile radius into a vortex of fuckugly. We’re so sorry Christina!!! Please please PLEASE bring back the tatas. We’ll even seat them in the front row so they feel special.

Did Christina plan this outfit, or was she attacked by my Grandma’s window sheers and ridiculously long dresser runner before falling into a “vintage nobody wants” Goodwill box on her way to the red carpet? I don’t know. All I know is that the next time someone shades her for always having Tha Girls on display, she should show them this picture and they will immediately retract their statement and fluff her boobs for her. Everybody wins.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

August 26, 2014 / Posted by:

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Finally, Someone Brought Sexy Dowager Countess Beaded Chichi Glamour To Cannes

May 21, 2014 / Posted by:

“Dear God, it’s that time again; my hourly prayer to thank you for the miracle that is my life. Who would have thought that a human puggle most famous for eating a bag of shrooms in Super Troopers would be married to this heavenly ambrosia earth angel.”Geoffrey Arend, who looks like he’s trying to lick up the tears of happiness that fall down his cheeks every time he remembers who he’s married to.

Christina Hendricks, seen here in the ‘Excuse my beauty’ stance used to push all ghosts of basic bitch past aside to make enough room for her glamour, may have covered up her effervescent chesticles for her walk down the Cannes red carpet, but they’re with us in spirit. Sadly, she wasn’t walking the red carpet for the French premiere of Le Mad Men, so there will be no pictures of the Hammaconda in a striped shirt and beret with its balls clutching a baguette and a lit cigarette. No, she was there for the premiere of Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut film Lost River. And I dub this look Lost Glasses, because in that fancy beaded table runner and poorly-placed wig, she sort of looks like someones great grandmother 3 scotches deep at a wedding. Which isn’t to say she doesn’t look hot; quite the opposite, actually. There’s nothing hotter than a 95-year-old throwing back the hard shit while using a salad fork to scratch the itch under her wig and asking everyone around the table if their brassieres are as uncomfortable as hers.

As for Lost RiverTIME says the critics hissed out a chorus of boooooos during the screening, with reviews ranging from “pretentious horseshit” to “If a $200 haircut and $900 shades were given lots of money to defecate on Detroit, the result would be Ryan Gosling’s directing debut” (You bitch! Call me?). Thankfully Christina’s grandmotherly bosom was on hand to comfort Ryan Gosling; nothing dries tears faster than falling into the open arms of Christina Hendricks and snuggling into her feel-better boobies while she stokes your hair and whispers “There there, little Gosling, it’s going to be ok.”

Pics: Splash

The Sads: We Might Never See Christina Hendricks With Magnificent Pregnancy Chichis

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Throw yourself onto your fluffiest, most overstuffed pillows and weep, because Christina Hendricks has told Health magazine that she’ll never bless our eyes with the sight of beautiful leche-swollen chesticles, because she doesn’t really want children. NO! How could she? What did the poor children ever do to Christina to make her snatch away the gift of nursing them with her ethereal chichis???

“We got a puppy, and that’s my idea of starting a family. People say, ‘Oh, that’s practice for parenting,’ but if it’s practice for anything it’s to be a mom to another puppy. We’ve decided that we are not really interested in having children.”

“It’s just very normal for people to say, ‘Well, when you guys have kids…’ and then when I say, ‘Actually, I don’t think we’re going to do that,’ people will say, ‘Oh, you say that now…’ It doesn’t bother me, though. And, you know, there’s a small chance I could change my mind.”

Did you hear that? She says we’ve got a chance! Quick, start emailing Christina Hendricks every internet video you can find of a baby doing something cute, and delete all the ones where they’re shitting or projectile vomiting. The hungry bebehs of the future need our help!

But I can sort-of understand why she’s picking puppies over bebehs. Puppies will never crash your car through the garage door. Puppies will never drop out of high school to pursue their dream of becoming a DJ. Puppies will never steal your booze. And puppies will never greedily nurse the life and effervescence from your tittys, only to leave them with tiny bite-makes from baby-teefs and sagging down to your waist. Puppies are considerate like that.

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