“Dear God, it’s that time again; my hourly prayer to thank you for the miracle that is my life. Who would have thought that a human puggle most famous for eating a bag of shrooms in Super Troopers would be married to this heavenly ambrosia earth angel.” – Geoffrey Arend, who looks like he’s trying to lick up the tears of happiness that fall down his cheeks every time he remembers who he’s married to.
Christina Hendricks, seen here in the ‘Excuse my beauty’ stance used to push all ghosts of basic bitch past aside to make enough room for her glamour, may have covered up her effervescent chesticles for her walk down the Cannes red carpet, but they’re with us in spirit. Sadly, she wasn’t walking the red carpet for the French premiere of Le Mad Men, so there will be no pictures of the Hammaconda in a striped shirt and beret with its balls clutching a baguette and a lit cigarette. No, she was there for the premiere of Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut film Lost River. And I dub this look Lost Glasses, because in that fancy beaded table runner and poorly-placed wig, she sort of looks like someones great grandmother 3 scotches deep at a wedding. Which isn’t to say she doesn’t look hot; quite the opposite, actually. There’s nothing hotter than a 95-year-old throwing back the hard shit while using a salad fork to scratch the itch under her wig and asking everyone around the table if their brassieres are as uncomfortable as hers.
As for Lost River, TIME says the critics hissed out a chorus of boooooos during the screening, with reviews ranging from “pretentious horseshit” to “If a $200 haircut and $900 shades were given lots of money to defecate on Detroit, the result would be Ryan Gosling’s directing debut” (You bitch! Call me?). Thankfully Christina’s grandmotherly bosom was on hand to comfort Ryan Gosling; nothing dries tears faster than falling into the open arms of Christina Hendricks and snuggling into her feel-better boobies while she stokes your hair and whispers “There there, little Gosling, it’s going to be ok.”
Throw yourself onto your fluffiest, most overstuffed pillows and weep, because Christina Hendricks has told Health magazine that she’ll never bless our eyes with the sight of beautiful leche-swollen chesticles, because she doesn’t really want children. NO! How could she? What did the poor children ever do to Christina to make her snatch away the gift of nursing them with her ethereal chichis???
“We got a puppy, and that’s my idea of starting a family. People say, ‘Oh, that’s practice for parenting,’ but if it’s practice for anything it’s to be a mom to another puppy. We’ve decided that we are not really interested in having children.”
“It’s just very normal for people to say, ‘Well, when you guys have kids…’ and then when I say, ‘Actually, I don’t think we’re going to do that,’ people will say, ‘Oh, you say that now…’ It doesn’t bother me, though. And, you know, there’s a small chance I could change my mind.”
Did you hear that? She says we’ve got a chance! Quick, start emailing Christina Hendricks every internet video you can find of a baby doing something cute, and delete all the ones where they’re shitting or projectile vomiting. The hungry bebehs of the future need our help!
But I can sort-of understand why she’s picking puppies over bebehs. Puppies will never crash your car through the garage door. Puppies will never drop out of high school to pursue their dream of becoming a DJ. Puppies will never steal your booze. And puppies will never greedily nurse the life and effervescence from your tittys, only to leave them with tiny bite-makes from baby-teefs and sagging down to your waist. Puppies are considerate like that.
No, Vincent Kartheiser wasn’t in the middle of being prepared for a lobotomy when an earthquake happened and the surgical team had to abort, drop the clippers and run out of the building. Rory Gilmore’s future husband (Wait, are those hos still engaged?) is a dedicated method actor who shaves his hairline back and gains some chunk to play It’s Pat’s equally as awkward son Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Dedication to your work IS making your hairline look like a Kardashian’s 5 o’clock butt stubble.
Vincent showed up to the premiere party for Mad Men’s 7th season looking like he got Dollar Tree hair plugs put it in at the same back alley plastic surgeon van where Lil Kim gets her baby dick nose shaved off. He looks like a derpy Friar Tuck which is saying a lot, because Friar Tuck is already at maximum derp. Vincent’s head looks like a factory-defected Chia Pet. There’s a method to his madness, though. Vincent told reporters a couple of years ago that he has always imagined Pete Campbell as having a receding hairline so he shaves his hairline, and after shooting is done he has to walk around looking like John Travolta in a shifted wig before his hairline grows back. Vincent probably thinks he’s the Daniel Day-Lewis of cable and deserves every Emmy for going all the way. But he needs to get over himself, because he’s not the greatest method actor of Mad Men. January Jones is!
January Jones never EVER gets out of character. When the cameras are on, she’s in character as Betty Draper. When the cameras turn off, she’s in character as Betty Draper. When she goes home after playing an ice cold queen all day, she stays in character. She stays in complete character when she’s smoking a cigarette while watching her kid poke at the half-frozen microwave dinner she didn’t cook all the way. She stays in character when her kid is crying and she rolls her eyes while turning up the TV louder to drown out his wails. She stays in complete character when she pisses out a piss popsicle into the toilet. January Jones was in character as Betty Draper before she was cast as Betty Draper and she’ll stay in character as Betty Draper for the rest of her life. So Vincent K and his method hairline shouldn’t feel so goddamn special.
Here’s more of the cast of Mad Men (including Christina Hendrick’s chichis and Jon Hamm sans the Hammaconda) at last night’s premiere party.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin’s hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!
If you’re one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here’s President Obama’s act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard’s bangs and Tracy Morgan.
Here’s Conan’s act and if you ain’t got time for it, his best line was, “President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen.”
I don’t know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn’t invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.
Taxi cabs stopped honking, pigeons stopped pecking at other pigeon carcasses, Amanda Bynes stopped hiding her face with her purse and Donald Trump stopped being an asshole for five seconds, because they all stared at Christina Hendricks as she strolled down the street in Manhattan looking like a ginger goddess in sparkly gold shoes. You know passengers gave up their cabs even though she didn’t need a ride and traffic stopped. Christina is looking like the kind of power bitch who is coming for your company, your man, your apartment, your vacation house, your 401k, your charge account at Lord & Taylor and your everything else! Who cares if Christina probably choreographed this walk in her hotel room for hours before she came out? This is some fresh out of a vintage Vogue shit and that soulless ghoul Anna Wintour better eat her bangs over this.
And later, Christina Hendricks came out of The Daily Show with her magnificent chichis looking like two sunsets. Bitch closed down the night and then some.
You are not among the living if you don’t immediately start searching for any signs of the Hamm steak as soon as you see a picture of its owner Jon Hamm. It’s a natural reaction. Just like knuckling yourself in the eyeball is a natural reaction to seeing the name “Kardashian.” You just knuckled yourself in the eyeball, right? If only you could put the Hamm steak on it to stop the swelling.
The cock-blocking executives at AMC must’ve told Jon Hamm to shove his crotch beast in a bowl of ice before sticking it between his ass cheeks and holding it down with metal chains, because it did not make a grand appearance at last night’s season 6 premiere of Mad Men. Those bitches at AMC just don’t appreciate what they have, because they should’ve rolled out the red carpet for Jon Hamm’s big dick. Hell, they should’ve rolled Jon Hamm’s big dick out and used it as the red carpet.
Except for the little girl, mostly everybody looked like hell last night. Christina Hendricks covered up her magnificent chichis and dressed like an 85-year-old Italian widow. January Jones looked like a sad Popsicle. And Vincent Kartheiser’s guinea pig comb over is just dreadful. I’m assuming that they all looked like shit on purpose, because they wanted all of the attention to go to the true star of the show, the Hammaconda. And it didn’t even show up. It’s a sad day for us all and AMC can eat some cold ass in hell for that.
Anyway, here’s a few pictures from last night’s Hammaconda-less Mad Men premiere party. In order: Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, John Slattery, Vincent Kartheiser, Kiernan Shipka, Alison Brie, Christina Hendricks, January Jones, Jessica Pare, Teyonah Parris and Ben Feldman.
Don’t-Focus-On-My-Tatas-Even-Though-I-Shove-Them-Up-To-My-Eyebrows-In-Plunging-Necklines advocate Christina Hendricks would like you to quit staring at her luscious bewbs for a second and focus on her hair instead. For all of us str8 women who are able to defy the odds and actually drag our eyeballs up there, she wants us to know that her modeling agency once said HELL NO!! to her signature fiery locks. The naturally blond Christina (prove it! – half the planet) dyed her hair bright red for a photo shoot and was met by a “Daaamn girl, you ugly!” from the head of her agency.
In Christina’s words (via the Daily Mail):
‘When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I’d always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, “You look terrible, it’s so ugly, you cannot have red hair.”
“I came back as a redhead and couldn’t get my hair back to blonde for two days – in the meantime I had to audition.
‘I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I’m keeping this!’
I kind of have to agree with her that the red suits her and helps her stand out in a sea of blindingly bleached blond bimbos (say that three times really fast, I dare you) but really, who gives a shit. Good, hair talk times are over and now our ADD asses can go back to being mesmerized by her real stand out features, those twin Verne Troyers half out of her top.
Christina Hendricks is the face of Specsavers (which I guess is like LensCrafters) in Australia and she was in Sydney earlier this week promoting some contest for the brand. Christina sat down for an interview with Kate Waterhouse from the Sydney Morning Herald (via Warming Glow) and awkwardly giggled in an “I’m gonna slap this little twat down with one of my chest domes” kind of way when Kate called her a full-figured woman while making the sign for “big bitch” with her hands. Kate asked Christina a question about being an inspiration to full-figured women, and the ginger goddess’ publicist stepped in to say that no questions about her weight are allowed. Kate either didn’t hear what the publicist said or decided to really burn the ginger off of Christina’s locks, because asked the question AGAIN!
SMH (which today stands for Shaking My Head) said that Christina stopped the interview and when the cameras were off, she said to Kate: “I think calling me full-figured is just rude.” SMH also said that a radio host was told to not ask Christina any questions about her magnificent chichis.
Some think that the term “full-figured” is a compliment and some think that “full-figured” is just a condescending way of calling someone a lard ass heffa. Christina obviously thinks the latter. I don’t know what to think. I’m waiting to hear Jennifer Livingston’s thoughts on this.
But seriously, Kate Waterhouse is in the wrong and it was very unprofessional of her to ask Christina questions about her body. Christina wasn’t there to talk about the heavenly mounds of cashmere fluff that make me wish I was a miniature person so I could joyfully bounce on them like I was in a Sleepy’s commercial. Christina was not there for that. Christina was there to talk about eyeglasses! So if Kate Waterhouse was a true journalist she would’ve asked Christina more relevant questions. You know, she should’ve asked Christina if Specsavers puts a special anti-streak coating on their glasses that makes it really easy for you to wipe away cum splatters without worrying about streaks. Kate should’ve also asked Christina if ever she paints a pair of red lips around her belly button, puts an extra large pair of eyeglasses over her titty balls and then makes her stomach say sexy things a sexy librarian might say. Those are relevant and smart questions. I swear, that Kate Waterhouse is no kind of serious journalist.
Christina Hendricks’ husband can’t believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, “Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven’t looked at my face once!” during their wedding ceremony.
Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn’t get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn’t even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue’s ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.
After THAT episode, I really thought I’d see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn’t happen. The Emmy bitches also didn’t do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm’s hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.
And here’s a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm’s peen (yes, it’s so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.