Earlier this month, Cameron Diaz’s The Sweetest Thing co-star Selma Blair said that there would never be a sequel to TST because Cameron was officially retired from acting. A day later, she backpedaled on Twitter claiming she was making a joke and that Cameron wasn’t retired from anything. I’m guessing that tweet was sent out after Cameron hit her up with a text that read, “Okay listen, you can be there when it happens, but that’s MY news to break.” Because Cammy recently reunited with her TST co-stars Selma and Christina Applegate for Entertainment Weekly, and she broke the news that she’s retired.
This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.
Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:
Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…
Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.
Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.
People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.
Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.
I bet David Faustino is sending her a text message that says “Sorry Chicken Legs, invite only!” NO! That’s more of an Al Bundy thing to do. David’s probably just checking to see if “I Told Ya” has hit 100,000 views on YouTube yet (so close!)
Mark this day in your calendars. For the first time in recent history, an actual legitimate STAR was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Katey Sagal (aka Gemma from Sons of Anarchy, aka Leela from Futurama, aka LIFE INSPIRATION PEGGY BUNDY) was honored for her contributions to refined stay-at-home lot lizard couture and exquisite red-headed glamour. Sadly she didn’t waddle out in cheetah-print spandex ass-wrap with her tits out, but she did bring the cast of Married…with Children back together for a mini-reunion to celebrate. Katey was joined on the red carpet by Christina Applegate, Ed O’Neill, and Grandmaster B. Unfortunately, it was a huge waste of time, because you can’t have a Married…with Children reunion without Marcy D’Arcy! Maybe they were afraid she’d show up wearing something super hot and steal the spotlight.
And the YOU HAD ONE JOB award goes to the person responsible for denying Christina the opportunity to introduce Katey’s Walk of Fame star as if it was the neeeeeeew Allanté . She is a model! You had one job! I’m sure she still has the dress! First we’re denied Marcy D’Arcy, then a Bundy Bounce? RUDE!
Here’s more of the bizarro bougie version of Peggy, Al, Kelly, and Bud (in this version, Buck is played by a French Bulldog), as well as Katey with the SOA crew at her Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday in Hollywood:
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
Will Arnett has lost his TV wife, because Christina Applegate is taking the next dinghy to dry land before Up All Night sinks to the bottom completely. NBC said a few months ago that Up All Night would get overhauled and they were planning to change it from a single-camera comedy to a multi-camera sitcom complete with a live studio audience and a laugh track. Even though one of the stars of the show has exited stage left, NBC is still planning to shoot a new season with Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph and they’re planning to bring in another lead actress. Kelly Bundy gave this open goodbye letter to The Hollywood Reporter and basically said that she’s leaving before shit gets even messier:
“It’s been a great experience working on Up All Night, but the show has taken a different creative direction, and I decided it was best for me to move on to other endeavors. Working with Lorne Michaels has been a dream come true, and I am grateful he brought me into his TV family. I will miss the cast, producers and crew and wish them the best always.”
Now that Kelly Bundy has quit that bitch, the only way NBC can save Up All Night is if they keep the title, fire Will Arnett, fire Maya Rudolph, dump the plot, hire the legendary Rhonda Shear and just have her introduce B-movies all night. Like this!
When NBC announced they were doing a show called Up All Night a couple of years ago, I really thought it was a reboot of this and got really excited. Rhonda Shear needs a major comeback (and no, that HSN shit doesn’t count)!
Didn’t it feel like Christina Applegate’s knocked up period lasted longer than the entire run of Samantha Who? (RIP Samantha Who?)? But the time finally came. Christina’s coochie did the Bundy Bounce and pushed out a baby daughter in Los Angeles last Thursday! Unfortunately, Christina didn’t name her kid “The New Allante” and I doubt she’ll dress her baby up in a leopard mini-skirt and a leather jacket when they pose for the cover of People Magazine in a few weeks. If only Kelly Bundy was a real person!
Christina actually gave her baby a normal name that doesn’t sound like a scent at Bath and Body Works or a character from a third-tier 1980s cartoon. The details from People:
“Actress Christina Applegate and fiancé, musician Martyn LeNoble, welcomed daughter Sadie Grace LeNoble on Thursday, Jan. 27, 2011, in Los Angeles,” the spokesperson said in a statement. “Mother and daughter are doing great.”
Adds someone close to the proud parents: “She’s a beautiful little girl, and they are so happy and in love with her.”
Just once, just once, I’d like to read a celebrity say some shit like, “Eh, she seems alright, but she’s kind of bitchy.” Kelly Bundy would’ve said that.
And Christina’s dude kind of has a Christopher Walken quality to him. You don’t know whether he wants to shoot you in the eyeball, molest your nipples or take you by the hand and gracefully dip you before licking your teeth.