Pink is back on the music scene, and, while she recognizes there are plenty of Tinseltown cat fights, her and Christina Aguilera’s pussies are quite content, thankyewverymuch. As all things seem to go these days, her get real moment stemmed from a Twitter troll. Everything these days comes from Twitter trolls. Racist shit, bullying, U.S. Presidential “diplomacy”…sometimes all in one Tweet!
As Brit Brit Spears did her mouth stretches (aka chew gum) to prepare to LIP SYCNH FOR HER FRAPP at the MTV VMAs tonight, her one-time arch rival Christina Aguilera brought out the return of Drunktina for the paps outside of the Up & Down Club in NYC on Friday night. Xtina’s official human walking cane/piece Matthew Rutler must have been on babysitting duty on Friday night, because a friend and a bodyguard were the ones who helped her conquer the difficult sport of drunk-walking in heels. That friend or employee deserves a prize or a raise, because she held it together while inhaling the booze fart that Xtina’s red lipstick-covered b-hole pooted out. Drunktina’s fart face gave that away.
Xtina’s look here is “grunge Jessica Rabbit” meets “Wynonna Judd in Private Benjamin” meets “casual Friday Peg Bundy” and that is the look, but she loses major points and also disappointed me with that faded lipstick game (see: pictures of her in the car below). Unlike her indestructible lip liner, Xtina’s lead-based mouth paint faded a bit on her top lip. I always thought that the only way to remove Xtina’s lipstick is with a sandblaster and a prayer. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
And those of us who are watching the VMAs tonight will probably be channeling Drunktina. The only things that will get us through that show will be the sweet nectar and (NSFW!!!) McDonald’s new and improved McChicken with secret sauce. I know, I’m acting like the new McChicken is still available and like the Kartrashians didn’t already buy out their entire supply.
Since Whitney Houston’s estate popped the doody bubble that was the hologram that looked nothing like her, The Voice needed to replace that creepy duet with something, so they called in the country’s most wanted donut terrorist Ariana Grande!
Before Curly Sue (birth certificate name: Alisan Ann Porter) became America’s sweetheart once again by winning The Voice for Team Christina, her coach got into a screaming match with Ariana Grande. While dressed like a Televangelist Bratz doll, Ariana sang her new single “Into You” before going into “Dangerous Woman.” Everything was going fine until Xtina prowled out with hair that was supposed to say, “I was freshly fucked,” but instead said, “I was freshly jumped by a pack of raccoons who like to pull hair.” That hair is very “Beth Chapman after getting attacked by a swarm of bees.” That hair was a preview for the messiness that was about to go down.
After Xtina did her part, Ariana turned up the volume on her vocal cords and it became clear that it was about to become a battle of the yodels and the only casualties would be our eardrums. Ariana and Xtina trying to TKO each other with their belts starts off at around the 3:33 mark below:
Ariana Grande and Christina Aguilera teamed up on The Voice for Into You/Dangerous Woman! Incredible! ???? https://t.co/E1hx0F2FK3
— Shady Music Facts (@musicnews_shade) May 25, 2016
All those growls, runs and whooooos. It sounds like a brawl between a frog, a cat and an owl while sky diving. They sound how Xtina’s hair looks. That said, it was the performance of the night and I’d rather Xtina and donut hater fist me in the ears without lube by trying to outdo each other than listen to Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s duet again.
Because we’re on the subject of Grande messes, here’s hyper troll doll Frankie Grande in a denim onesie at a Disney event earlier this month:
On this Monday’s season finale of The Voice, they will show something absolutely nobody asked for: a duet between Christina Aguilera and a Whitney Houston hologram. Xtina sort of hinted that this was going to happen, but said she couldn’t say anything. It was supposed to be a surprise, but someone spoiled it by leaking the entire performance to the Internet. As for who leaked it….. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ghost of Nippy got revenge on NBC for doing this dark-sided shit by taking over the body of an intern and forcing them to leak it. If there’s an intern at NBC who suddenly has a stubborn doody bubble that needs popping, they now know why.
Xtina and Fake Whitney do two songs together: “I Have Nothing” and “I’m Every Woman.” Get this Hell To The No shit while you can (you may be able to find some clips here if that video comes down):
NBC must have been on a serious budget. It looks like they went to Holograms ‘R Us and when they saw the price for Whitney, they went, “errrr,” so they looked at the price for a “Katy Perry in bad Jody Watley drag” hologram and thought, “Close enough!”
UPDATE: TMZ says that the unholy duet will not see the light of TV screens. Whitney Houston’s estate apparently has eyes, because they noticed that the hologram doesn’t look anything like her and told NBC to not air it.
So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.
Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.
Since every trick, tramp and trollop has served her chichis and ass on Instagram this summer, Xtina has waved her hand and screamed, “Don’t forget about meeeeee,” from the back of the room by posting a picture her half-naked body in nothing but a pair of pink chonies. Xtina told her Instagram followers that she wants to show more of herself and be real and what’s more real than posting a picture that was practically taken in the dark, ran through Photoshop a couple of times and covered in Instagram filters? That truly is the definition of “real.”
Just so you know with me, it’s all real, all the time. Felt like it was time to start sharing some personal stuff with you guys… And it’s just the beginning. Night night. X
You know, I’m all for Xtina getting into the ho shit fun on Instagram, but this is not the way to do it. This is not how you present your half-naked bathroom selfie body. There are many things wrong with this picture, but I’m just going to cover a few:
1. TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS! I know Xtina was going for ~moody~ and ~mysterious~ and shit, but this isn’t a Brian DePalma movie. This is a bathroom selfie. How are we even supposed to know it’s her when it’s dark as all hell in there? If you told me that was my friend James pushing two pan dulces against his chest with his elbows while wearing a pair of VS PINK panties, I would not call you a liar.
2. The hell is that scary shadow behind her? I’m sure it’s just another statue since Xtina obviously wants her bathroom to look like a fancy Pier 1. But can the statue please make itself useful and do something like turn on the damn lights?
3. The minute I saw this picture, my eyes went directly to the gigantic rubber ducky on the side. That rubber ducky is in the darkness, but it’s still sucking in all the attention. Never ever pose with a rubber ducky if you want all eyes on you. A giant rubber ducky is like Uggie the dog. It will steal the scene without even trying.