Category: Christina Aguilera

The Billboard Music Awards Fashions Put The “Bored” In Billboard

May 21, 2018 / Posted by:

The Billboard Music Awards were last night and if the red carpet is any indication, it lived up to it’s name because most stars looked as bored as can be. With very few exceptions, most of the night’s looks were uninspired and devoid of whimsy. Nick Jonas (above) looks like he just showed up for his shift at Applebees and still needs to go get his flair from his locker and take a quick shot at the bar before getting started. He’ll be with you in a minute, ok?

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Christina Aguilera Is Never Returning To “The Voice”

May 3, 2018 / Posted by:

Christina Aguilera has a new album to promote, so she did an interview with Allie Jones for Billboard. While I just assume any interview with the likes of Christina or Mariah Carey includes them doing vocal runs and trying to hit the whistle register, she talks to Billboard about how she didn’t exactly have the best of times doing The Voice, and we shouldn’t expect to see her spinning around on a chair unless it’s at her lawyer’s office. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Xtina Slathered In Extra Thick Lube For Her New Video 

May 3, 2018 / Posted by:

Xtina is back (I think I’ve typed that at least 4,500 times since this blog began) and she’s got a new album coming out called Liberation. The video for the first single, Accelerate (featuring Ty Dolla $ign, 2 Chainz and produced by the reincarnation of Harriet Tubman), was dropped onto the eyes of the internet today, and she’s extra thirsty in it. But you can’t blame her. You’d be extra thirsty too if the only things you put in your mouth were Crystal Gravy, milk, and the wet farts of Vanity Smurf (read: blue glitter).

The last time we saw Xtina, she had dropped her signature lead-based red lip paint and orange-colored face spackling paste into the dumpster and went  SANS FARDS for Paper Magazine. And she’s left the lip paint and face spackling paste in the dumpster. In Accelerate, Xtina’s DuPont brand red lip paint has been replaced with gallons of corn syrup, Vaseline, and blue glitter. The video is very Dead Petz era Miley Cyrus meets a 90s Calvin Klein ad meets Iggy Azalea playing around in Rihanna’s old clothes.

And now that I look at this video again. That’s not Vaseline or corn syrup or Crystal Gravy or lube. It’s the filler from Xtina’s lips leaking out. Girl, get thee to Dr. Nassif, STAT!

That song is too much of a Cardi B reject for me to be into, but I am fully into the video. Dirrty Xtina is my favorite Xtina. Although, she could’ve kept all those close-up shots of her looking like she just tossed the sloppy salad of a blue glitter unicorn. That might bring the tingles for Mariah Carey, but not me.

Pic: YouTube

Christina Aguilera Went Natural* For Paper Magazine

March 26, 2018 / Posted by:

*Natural-looking, I mean. It is still Christina Aguilera, after all. Paper might have been dead-set on a stripped-down Christina for their latest issue, but I refuse to believe that’s what they got. I’m not a scientist, but I wouldn’t be surprised if years of exposure to industrial-grade cosmetics has caused her skin to develop a codependent relationship with them. Christina might have agreed to no-makeup makeup, but her skin probably screamed, “LIKE HELL! I’ll agree to three layers of foundation instead of six, but that’s as low as I go.

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Christina Aguilera Wrote Her Song “Infatuation” After Finding Out Her Ex Is Gay 

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

While Shangela is off telling Hillary Clinton to keep that guest house in Chappaqua open so she could move in and write What Happened 2: The Shangela Story, RuPaul seems ready to forget all about RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars 3 and move ahead to season 10 of Drag Race. Christina Aguilera popped by to be the first guest judge, but it was a little bit of tea dropping after the show that got bits in a bunch. Continue reading

Not Everyone Enjoyed Christina Aguilera’s Karaoke Tribute To “The Bodyguard” At The American Music Awards

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Any doubt that the American Music Awards are the last-minute high school project version of the Grammys was removed last night when Christina Aguilera took to the stage for a tribute to the 25th anniversary of the soundtrack to The Bodyguard. We know it wasn’t a tribute to Whitney Houston, because at no point during Christina’s “most-confident bridesmaid at the bachelorette karaoke party” performance did anyone report seeing a disrespected ghost scream “Hell to the NO” while attempting to yank the mic plug from a power outlet backstage.

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