If I suddenly became rich and famous overnight, the first thing would be to reinforce all my doors and windows with steel bars. Because if I’ve learned anything about famous people over the past two years, it’s that their houses keep getting robbed. From John Mayer to Emmy Rossum to Kendall Jenner to Nicki Minaj, famous people can’t keep their stuff safe from thieves. Christina Milian is the latest celebrity to get hit by criminals, and apparently her house was so nice, it was burgled twice.
Surprisingly, the biggest tits at last night’s Live By Night premiere in Hollywood weren’t Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Ben and Matt lost that tile when Christina Milian sashayed onto the carpet in a dress that went from dull to demure with help from a photographer’s flash.
I always thought that a stylist was supposed to take their client’s picture with a flash to make sure everything looks right on camera. Maybe Christina’s stylist didn’t do that or maybe they did and she didn’t care if everyone saw her nipple knobs and Spanx. Since I am a connoisseur of refined sophistication, I like Christina Milian’s look better when it’s caught in a camera’s flash. On its own, that dress is sequined Ambien, but add some flash and it makes her torso look like an exquisite bronze bust sold at The Museum Company. (Side note: Today was a good day because it’s the day I learned that The Museum Company is still around.)
And whoever made that dress should also make men’s jeggings in the same material and send a pair to Prince Hot Ginge, Jon Hamm, Idris Elba, etc…
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
The scent of a two day old clambake and rotten coagulated crab protein was in the air in Malibu yesterday when Wonky McValtrex threw a Fourth of July party for her friends including Christina Milian and Brian Grazer. You know it’s a good party when nearly every guest has a look on their face that says, “I’m just here for the coke.”
I spent my Fourth of July getting drunk on vodka and cranberry sodas while lounging in an inflatable pool in the backyard, so I thought I had the best Fourth of July, but I was wrong. Wonky’s crotch crabs obviously had the best Fourth ever, because they got to frolic in the sands of Malibu and reunite with their kind!