Earlier this month, bewigged reality television goodtime gal Kim Zolciak lowered the “cool mom” archetype to new depths by publicly offering her daughter’s oral favors so her son Kash could meet John Legend. Yes, that’s right. So THE SON could meet John Legend. It was 20-year-old Brielle Biermann who would have been strapping on the knee pads in exchange for goods and services for SOMEONE ELSE. Kim’s not exactly the most feminist pimp around, huh? John’s wife Chrissy Teigen saved Brielle from her human-trafficking mother by saying that there was no need for beej. The Zolciak-Biermann clan made it backstage to meet John without anyone having to spit or swallow. Heartwarming. Continue reading
To those of you who use the Twitter, you’re familiar with Chrissy Teigen and her epic, world class shade. She comes for blood and leaves no prisoners. For her, reading is fundamental, and the library is always open.
Especially in regards to Don Cheeto himself, president Donald Trump (or Donald Duck as my mother refers to him). Chrissy is known for letting her opinions fly out whenever she feels the need to spit the truth. She took to Twitter to discuss a few of the medical issues she’s acquired due to President POS and his administration of assholery.
Kim Zolciak, the mutated polyester blond wig from Real Housewives of Atlanta and Tardy For The Party, is currently getting a lot of her favorite thing (after silicone shots to the lips, of course): attention! The garage sale Barbie styling head who was brought to life by Lucifer to terrorize us all tweeted at Chrissy Teigen last night about getting tickets to a John Legend show for her 4-year-old son Kash. Kim must be a Pimp Mama Kris-in-training because she “jokingly” tried to pimp out her 20-year-old clone daughter, Brielle Biermann, for those tickets.
During last night’s Oscars, Dakota Johnson presented with her Fifty Shades Duller co-star Jamie Dornan, and they did a hilarious bit where they pretended to have chemistry with each other. Clearly Dakota was afraid all the crotch-searing sexuality between her and Jamie would be too much for the audience to handle, and she dressed accordingly. And by accordingly, I mean she counter-balanced it by dressing in an unsexy satin nightgown situation that was made by Gucci.
The Grammys are the time and place for some high fashion fuckery. You can go high concept crazy (see: CeeLo Green), or you can go tacky casual with a twist of try hard. Halsey chose the latter. Halsey told Giuliana Rancic that her look was “a little TLC, a little Aaliyah.” When I first saw Halsey on the red carpet, I immediately got a T-Boz in the Creep video vibe. Halsey must have realized that she couldn’t blatantly rip-off such a legendary look without receiving a cease-and-desist, and so she added her own spin. And in this case, her spin was to ditch the matching robe and walk down the red carpet with her tits out. She also went with her natural hair, which was a choice. Personally I would have gone full-homage to T-Boz with some bangs and side-curtains. But I’ll give her a pass on this one. If she didn’t have time to steam the wrinkles out of her ensemble, I doubt she had time to clip on some hair.
As many women at last night’s American Music Awards struggled with their Spanx while trying to take a piss, Chrissy Teigen sashayed into a stall, effortlessly straddled the toilet and then pissed before letting her chocha air dry by sashaying on out of there.
The American Music Awards is usually nothing but a dreadful parade of tacky dresses from Windsor and Yandy, but last night, the red carpet was elevated to brand new levels of sophistication when John Legend showed up with his wife Chrissy Teigen who wore a graceful gown with a slit that practically went up to her armpit. Chrissy earned the title of Hot Slit of the Day by wearing a stunning dress that was obviously made by the Haus of Thirst. (It was actually made by a designer named Yousef Akbar.) Chrissy managed to outdo demure style swans, Giulia Salemi and Dayane Mello, by not wearing any chonies. Chrissy also waved away the use of twat tape, so when the front part of her dress (or whatever you call it) flew up, many people got the answer to the question, “Where did Chrissy Teigen spend her Sunday morning?” She obviously spent it at the crotch waxers.
One of Chrissy’s followers shook their head over her not wearing any underwear and asked, “What happened to being a lady?” Chrissy hit them back with this:
I am pretty sure you could clearly see I'm a lady. https://t.co/WmOtIhwaaR
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 21, 2016
That Twitter follower who shook his head at Chrissy needs to do research before they accuse someone of not dressing like a lady! If they did, they’d discover that Chrissy wore an exact replica of the dress that Jackie Kennedy almost wore when she married JFK. That dress is the definition of LADY!