Chris Pine Wants To Have A Serious Conversation About Why His Dick (Which Matches Michael Fassbender’s, By The Way) Is Getting Attention
- That Medieval Times Movie On Netflix Where Chris Pine Shows His Crotch Monster And Dick Shrub (yes, that’s the movie’s official title, I checked) hasn’t come out yet even though it feels like we’ve been talking about it since the 14th century, which is the time that movie takes place. It comes out this week.
- Chris Pine told the Press Association that he wishes we could have a serious conversation about why we’re talking about his dick, but instead people are making jokes like horny tweens. But a second later, he joked that his dick is as gloriously peentacular as Michael Fassbender’s dick is in Shame.
So I’m not sure if Chris Pine doesn’t want us to joke about his dick or does want us to joke about his dick, but I do know that he’s talking about his dick, so let’s all talk about his dick!
If you are the type of person who gets moisty for a pair of perfectly combed caterpillar eyebrows, piercing blue eyes and a strong jaw line, whip out your calendar and circle November 9th with a red poster board size Sharpie. The good news is that on November 9th, Chris Pine‘s new movie Outlaw King will be released. As some of us already know, it features him butt naked, dangly bits and all. The best news is that it will be released on Netflix so you can enjoy it in the privacy of your own home.
Chris was a guest on The Graham Norton Show last night, and while sandwiched between Sally Field and Rami Malek (that’s a sandwich I would order twice), Graham pressed him about the recent Twitterverse responses to his naked appearance in Outlaw King.
This picture also features a lady making the exact same face I made after hearing that Lynda Carter was not playing Wonder Woman in the Wonder Woman movie. (Truth talk: She’s probably throwing a stanky side-eye at Chris Pine in half-assed Westworld cosplay. See: the gallery below)
Wonder Woman had its Hollywood premiere at the Pantages Theater last night, Lynda Carter was gracious enough to bestow her star power upon that shit by showing up, even though the movie makers did her wrong by not putting her in the movie at all. (Although, I am hoping that the director Patty Jenkins righted that highly illegal wrong by adding a post-credits scene where Wonder Woman buys her first invisible plane from Amazonian salesladies played by Lynda and my second favorite WW, Cathy Lee Crosby.)
Wonder Woman doesn’t come out until next week, so full reviews aren’t out yet, but the first reactions came out and many said that it’s the best DCEU movie since The Dark Knight. I hope it’s good since some of us have been waiting for centuries for a Wonder Woman movie, but saying it’s the best DCEU movie in a while ain’t saying much. If DC put out a movie that was nothing but a 90-minute shot of a dried turd in a cape, it’d be the best DCEU movie since The Dark Knight.
And now here’s more of LYNDA FUCKING CARTER, Gal Gadot and the rest of the cast of WW last night.
If you woke up on the floor this morning and figured that your Ambien did you something weird and caused you to sleep walk again, don’t think that. There’s a better explanation. The world tilted to the side from the monumental news that Chris Pine chopped off his locks and shaved his dome.
After waiting for what feels like 6,789,400 years for Wonder Woman to finally get her own movie, the trailer for the WW movie moistened tips with nerd nectar when it was shown at Comic-Con in San Diego today. I only screamed, “SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER, SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER,” like 6 times while watching it, so that’s a good thing.
The trailer opens up with Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) finding Chris Pine on the shores of Paradise Island, and I prayed she wouldn’t start singing “A Part Of Your World,” because that beginning part gave me way too many Little Mermaid vibes. But thankfully for all of us, she doesn’t and the trailer then gives us Robin Wright on a horse, Wonder Woman doing some kind of Matrix floor slide and Wonder Woman taking down bitches with that Lasso of Truth. (I can’t wait for Halloween when messes dress up as WW and carry around a Lasso of Truth made of Christmas lights plugged into a tiny generator.) Never mind that Gal Gadot’s acting is a little on the “my Ambien is about to kick in” side, I am all for her preparing to destroy tricks with her sword while wearing a gown.
I am not a superhero nerd at all, but Lynda Carter as WW was one of my glamour icons as a child, so this trailer made me feel this weird thing called emotion and it warmed the blackened ice orb I call a heart. I had to go and look at a picture of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston to feel cold and bitter again. The only thing that trailer is missing is an invisible plane and Lynda Carter showing Gal Gadot how to spin into her Wonder Woman outfit as the 70s WW theme song plays. I’m sure that scene is in the final cut.
Since we’re on the subject of visual nerd lube, DC also squirted up footage from the Justice League movie at Comic-Con today. This shit has way too much Batffleck and not nearly enough Jason Momoa nipples.
I don’t think Idris Elba is too old to play James Bond. But I do think he’s too old to be showing up to a premiere dressed like an Ivy League frat boy going to a keg party in the Hamptons. A grown and mature movie star wears a tuxedo g-string to a premiere if he wants to be respected! (Shhh, just so with it.)
The noted clit tingler is currently on the Star Trek promo tour, but it should really be called the “Stop Asking Me About That Bond Shit 2016 Tour.” Because Idris’ ears have been humped with question after question about whether Daniel Craig is going to pass the
torch martini to him or not. While talking to Michael Strahan on Good Morning America (via NYDN), the Bond shit was brought up again and Idris said that he’s got too many rings on his trunk (wink wink) to play Bond.
“It is the wildest rumor in the world. I keep saying if it were to happen it would be the will of a nation because there hasn’t been any talks between me and the studio about any of that. But everywhere I go people want that to happen. If I’m really honest man, I think I’m too old for that. Running around in cars, and ladies and martinis, who wants to do that? Sounds terrible.”
He must’ve been telling jokes. Idris is 45. Daniel Craig was 47 when Spectre came out and Pierce Brosnan was 49 when Die Another Day was released. When Roger Moore shot A View to a Kill, he should’ve sprinkled wheat germ in his martinis, because he was 58 when it came out. Idris is not too old. But if Idris wants to play Bond, he just fucked himself and not in a sexy way. The producers really aren’t going to hire him now. They’re going to assume that he’s on the bad shit again. I mean, who says that a man is “too old” for a role in a Hollywood movie? They don’t even know what those words mean in Hollywood. That’s crazy talk!
And here’s more of Idris bringing the sex (even in those sneakers) at the premiere of Star Trek Beyond in San Diego, CA yesterday. I also threw in pictures of Chris Pine fighting the hot with that goatee and Zachary Quinto looking like an extra in an Aqua video.