If you woke up on the floor this morning and figured that your Ambien did you something weird and caused you to sleep walk again, don’t think that. There’s a better explanation. The world tilted to the side from the monumental news that Chris Pine chopped off his locks and shaved his dome.
After waiting for what feels like 6,789,400 years for Wonder Woman to finally get her own movie, the trailer for the WW movie moistened tips with nerd nectar when it was shown at Comic-Con in San Diego today. I only screamed, “SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER, SHOULD’VE BEEN LYNDA CARTER,” like 6 times while watching it, so that’s a good thing.
The trailer opens up with Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) finding Chris Pine on the shores of Paradise Island, and I prayed she wouldn’t start singing “A Part Of Your World,” because that beginning part gave me way too many Little Mermaid vibes. But thankfully for all of us, she doesn’t and the trailer then gives us Robin Wright on a horse, Wonder Woman doing some kind of Matrix floor slide and Wonder Woman taking down bitches with that Lasso of Truth. (I can’t wait for Halloween when messes dress up as WW and carry around a Lasso of Truth made of Christmas lights plugged into a tiny generator.) Never mind that Gal Gadot’s acting is a little on the “my Ambien is about to kick in” side, I am all for her preparing to destroy tricks with her sword while wearing a gown.
I am not a superhero nerd at all, but Lynda Carter as WW was one of my glamour icons as a child, so this trailer made me feel this weird thing called emotion and it warmed the blackened ice orb I call a heart. I had to go and look at a picture of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston to feel cold and bitter again. The only thing that trailer is missing is an invisible plane and Lynda Carter showing Gal Gadot how to spin into her Wonder Woman outfit as the 70s WW theme song plays. I’m sure that scene is in the final cut.
Since we’re on the subject of visual nerd lube, DC also squirted up footage from the Justice League movie at Comic-Con today. This shit has way too much Batffleck and not nearly enough Jason Momoa nipples.
I don’t think Idris Elba is too old to play James Bond. But I do think he’s too old to be showing up to a premiere dressed like an Ivy League frat boy going to a keg party in the Hamptons. A grown and mature movie star wears a tuxedo g-string to a premiere if he wants to be respected! (Shhh, just so with it.)
The noted clit tingler is currently on the Star Trek promo tour, but it should really be called the “Stop Asking Me About That Bond Shit 2016 Tour.” Because Idris’ ears have been humped with question after question about whether Daniel Craig is going to pass the
torch martini to him or not. While talking to Michael Strahan on Good Morning America (via NYDN), the Bond shit was brought up again and Idris said that he’s got too many rings on his trunk (wink wink) to play Bond.
“It is the wildest rumor in the world. I keep saying if it were to happen it would be the will of a nation because there hasn’t been any talks between me and the studio about any of that. But everywhere I go people want that to happen. If I’m really honest man, I think I’m too old for that. Running around in cars, and ladies and martinis, who wants to do that? Sounds terrible.”
He must’ve been telling jokes. Idris is 45. Daniel Craig was 47 when Spectre came out and Pierce Brosnan was 49 when Die Another Day was released. When Roger Moore shot A View to a Kill, he should’ve sprinkled wheat germ in his martinis, because he was 58 when it came out. Idris is not too old. But if Idris wants to play Bond, he just fucked himself and not in a sexy way. The producers really aren’t going to hire him now. They’re going to assume that he’s on the bad shit again. I mean, who says that a man is “too old” for a role in a Hollywood movie? They don’t even know what those words mean in Hollywood. That’s crazy talk!
And here’s more of Idris bringing the sex (even in those sneakers) at the premiere of Star Trek Beyond in San Diego, CA yesterday. I also threw in pictures of Chris Pine fighting the hot with that goatee and Zachary Quinto looking like an extra in an Aqua video.
People says that at Chanel’s pre-Oscar dinner at Madeo on Saturday night, Chris Pine and Zoe Kravitz “got cozy” together. I guess “got cozy” is the new “canoodling.” This isn’t the first time that Oscar’s prettiest weeper and Zoe Kravitz have gotten cozy. They’ve been getting cozy on and off since last year. You might be thinking to yourself that maybe they’re just friends who go to pre-Oscars dinners together, but that’s not possible. In Hollywood, if a pretty dude and a pretty chick go to dinner together, it means they’re obviously licking on each other’s fuck parts. People has more riveting details on Zoe Kravitz and Chris Pine’s history of getting cozy together:
The Star Trek star, 34, and Divergent’s Kravitz, 26, sparked romance rumors last fall, when they hit a Coldplay concert together. Recently, they partied together at Tao Nightclub at Sundance.
I’m surprised they hung out again after the Coldplay concert, because if someone takes you to a Coldplay concert, they obviously don’t care for you and want you to suffer. But seriously, this rumor is going to keep me up at night. I won’t be able to go to sleep, because I’ll be asking myself a very, very tough question. Who am I more jealous of? Zoe Kravitz’s coochie because it’s been maybe touched by the peens attached to Chris Pine and Michasel Fassbender? Or Lisa Bonet’s coochie, because it’s been touched by the peens attached to Jason Momoa and Lenny Kravitz? That is the question that can’t be answered (SPOILER ALERT: Yes, it can. The answer is Lisa Bonet’s cooch.)
Here’s more of Zoe and Chris at the Chanel pre-Oscar dinner and also pictures of her, him and her twin mom Lisa Bonet at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
The heads of theater queens are exploding everywhere, because the first trailer for the Disney-fied Into the Woods movie is FINALLY here, but it’s missing one sort of major thing: SINGING. There’s Meryl Streep looking like a blue-haired Sookeh in 20 years, Chris Pine with stunningly luscious blown-out Walter Mercado hair and Johnny Depp finally looking hot again and I’m only saying that because he’s covered in CGI and his nails have never looked cleaner. But there’s no hos yodeling out musical notes!
There’s just Anna Kendrick burping out “I wish” over and over again. You know what I wish? I wish you’d start singing, bitch, because this is supposed to be a musical.
And here’s a few stills in case you missed them yesterday. My abuelita wishes she had that picture of Chris Pine in the 80s to give to her stylist at the JCPenney salon, because his hair is very “grandma of the 1980s bride” and that is the hair of her dreams.
Because I’m a dum-dum who’s only real knowledge of New Zealand starts and ends with Lord of the Rings, I immediately imagined Chris Pine getting pulled over by Frodo and Samwise in a Hobbit-sized police car and arrested after they smelled Shire beer on his breath.
Regardless of what actually happened, that’s what I’m choosing to believe. But for those of you who want the non-nerd version of what went down with Captain Kirk, here’s whats up. According to Radar, Chris Pine had recently wrapped filming in New Zealand on the film Z for Zachariah and was seen getting buzzed on good-time juice at a local bar till about 2:30am. Then Pine left the bar and was arrested on suspicion of driving drunk, which was confirmed when he blew over the legal limit of .08 percent. Damn Chris, you couldn’t leave your car at the bar and ride a sheep back to your hotel instead?
However – and here’s where the story actually gets better than imagining Frodo Baggins, PD – New Zealand police didn’t identify Chris Pine by name; they only referred to Chris Pine as a ’33-year-old American man’. Which America? There’s a north and a south. But I’m willing to give them a pass, since my dumb ass once referred to the movies I watched growing up as “American movies” (because I have maple syrup instead of blood running through my veins, and apparently a pile of snow where my brain should be).