I no longer think that Coldplay is about as edgy as a popped polo shirt collar on a suburban dad driving a bright green Camaro, because some hardcore shit went down at one of their shows over the weekend. It was more rock & roll than the time Chris Martin accidentally said a curse word during a backstage pep talk.
Coldplay played a show for SiriusXM at a bar called The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons on Sunday and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest and famous tricks like Karlie Kloss, Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and professional shit stirrer/diet booze mogul Bethenny Frankel of The Real Drunk Mess of New York City. Since the Botoxed praying mantis seems to live her life like Bravo’s cameras are always on her, she caused a scene and committed a criminal act when she wasted the sweet nectar by throwing a cocktail at some chicks who annoyed her. That’s what Page Six says anyway.
It’s time to pop a bottle of sparkling alkalinized nettle essence and celebrate, for the end of an era is upon us. More than two years after they announced they were splitting up in what is now the gold standard for pretentious celebrity separation announcements, and a little over one year since she filed for divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are absolutely, 100% officially uncoupled. People says they came to a settlement agreement back in May, and it was finally entered into a Los Angeles County courthouse yesterday.
According to their divorce settlement, Gwyneth and Chris agreed on sharing custody of their kids and worked out property stuff. Neither Chris nor Gwyneth asked for spousal support, which makes sense, since we all know Gwyneth is a self-made millionaire who doesn’t know what it’s like to take a hand-out.
I do wonder how Gwyenth and Chris will celebrate their divorce. And I’m sure they will. Gwyneth’s whole thing is about how she and Chris are practically The Brady’s long-lost Upper East Side siblings who get along better than most married couples. The celebrated one year of conscious uncoupling with a trip to Mexico. Obviously Goop’s first divorce requires something more significant than a simple trip across the border to prove she’s still the best of besties with her ex. They need a place that even the strongest couples would snap under the pressure. My guess is that she and Chris will fly to Sweden and rent out an entire IKEA store and live there for a week. “Look at us! We haven’t fought once! Can you even – CHRIS, get that disgusting meatball out of my face. You know I’m only drinking canned pear cider and crab paste this week.”
Here’s a freshly divorced Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday in Toronto promoting her fancy makeup and beauty line.
You know the saying “you are what you eat”? Yes. You do. You also know that whole thing about hang around trash too long and you’ll start stinking? Yeah. That too. Well, there’s a reason sayings become sayings, cliches becomes cliches and the DListed writers drink. Because they’re true! We can all check another thing off on that list of “duh” and “wow I’m so surprised” – Chris Martin. He’s consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow but it seems that he hasn’t consciously uncoupled from her antics, approach to life and how to act like a normal human… who happens to have all the money in the world and “enjoys” things like macrobiotic meals and organic bird foot facials.
Page Six is reporting that while Coldplay – the band that is the answer to every white man’s favorite band section on Match.com – were performing on Today earlier in the week, Chris got treated like a precious dew drop while his bandmates were treated like buckets of mop water. It was pissing down rain while they “entertained” a crowd of people that are clearly fucking insane for waking up that early to see Coldplay. After their set was done, handlers and assistants ran to La Preciosa Diamante Muy Delicata, Chris, with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and those blankets runners get after a marathon and blowdryers and a mink burpy cloth and a chaise lounge, but the other members of the band got jack shit. They didn’t even get a Shamwow thrown at them by a sleazy producer saying “wipe ya self off kid, ya look like a slut“.
A rep for the band responded by saying that “this is absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining. Pouring, actually, freezing-cold rain.” And except that he forgot there were other people in Coldplay, right? I did. I thought it was just Chris Martin and some time out dolls he dresses up in hemp t-shirts with vaguely *spiritual* symbols on them. The band apparently stayed after the show to hang out with member of the Vehicular Manslaughter Club, former first lady Laura Bush (other members include Brandy Norwood, Rebecca Gayheart and Caitlyn Jenner). I don’t know what’s less believable – that Coldplay’s handlers give a shit about any of the other band members or that the band hung out with Laura Bush.
Because the picture above looks like a page from Where’s Waldo? that’s been filtered through painkillers and waxed paper, allow me to explain what we’re looking at. In the purple t-shirt in the bottom center we have Chris Martin. Surrounding him is the rest of Coldplay. And in the middle of the table is Oli Sykes, the leader singer of a band called Bring Me the Horizon, who thought a good way to get some attention would be to climb up on Coldplay’s table during the NME Awards in London last night. Oli got up there and tore it up harder than Gwyneth Paltrow’s colon after an all-kale juice cleanse.
According to the Daily Mail, Oli Sykes (or as he’s no doubt known by the people at the linen rental company who have to clean the shoe prints out of that tablecloth, Oli Sucks) had people wondering what kind of drugs they serve backstage at the NME Awards when he trashed Coldplay’s table during his band’s performance. As you can see in the video below, not so soon after he got up, that table started a-rockin’ and Oli made the smart decision to hop off.
TMZ seems to think that Sykes threw a tabletop tantrum because the art for Coldplay’s latest album, A Head Full of Dreams, looks sort of like the art from their 2013 album, Sempiternal. They accused Coldplay of copying them back in November. However, Sykes claims that had nothing to do with it, and that he was just angry over “sound problems.”
It doesn’t take a detective to know that Oli is a table-stomping liar. You’ve got to really hate someone with all your heart to climb up on their table and smash all their alcohol. What makes it even worse is that Coldplay had to then sit through the rest of some third-tier banquet hall-looking award show with no booze. That’s some evil revenge, Oli.
The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrow “weird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.
During a recent interview with Glamour to remind everyone that you’re still a poor (no, it was to promote her new organic makeup line), humanoid lavash cracker Gwyneth Paltrow was asked how the conscious uncoupling situation is going with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. Obviously things between Goopy and The Scarf are great, because Goopy doesn’t do shitty awkward divorces. Apparently things are so super great between Gwyneth and her ex-husband, their relationship status has ascended from exes to siblings.
“We spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother.”
Somewhere in a house without platinum-plated bidets that spray caviar-filtered spring water into your poo hole, Gwyneth Paltrow’s real brother is like “Hold on…am I being replaced? This is totally because I brought store-bought stuffing to Thanksgiving dinner, isn’t it?” (“Yes, it is, you disgusting monster” replied Gwyneth).
Gwyneth also humblebragged that she wrote a couple lyrics for and sang back-up on the latest Coldplay album. I don’t care if you’re religious or not, now is the time you get on your knees and pray that Chris Martin does his sister a favor and lets Goopy sing backup for Coldplay during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. There’s nothing I want more than to see Gwyneth bust out her signature uptight white girl dance moves.
And in case you want to see what a person who went 3 hours without an organic pressed juice looks like, here’s an over-it Gwyneth hauling ass through the airport with Brad Falchuk last week.