While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.
So it looks like Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence aren’t exactly as done with each other as we thought. After supposedly calling it quits for the 1,407th time, People says that JLaw and The Melancholy Scarf reunited in New York City for Independence Day and spent a romantic weekend together. Damn, again with these two? This is getting to be some Groundhog Day Dick nonsense.
A source says that Martin Lawrence were spotted strolling around Central Park on Friday, and it didn’t appear to be the kind of walk that would lead to JLaw’s apartment so she could give him a cardboard box full of his crap that he left there.
“They were walking arm-in-arm, in a hurry it seemed. It looked like they were dressed for date night.”
Just because they were all gussied up doesn’t mean they were dressed up for date night. JLaw and Chris Martin are rich. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they wear $2,000 worth of couture while picking up condoms and Doritos at CVS. But “date night” wasn’t the only time Martin Lawrence was spotted this weekend.
Just saw Jennifer Lawrence and the dude from Coldplay riding their bikes lol!
— Chef Bol (@Nick_Bun) July 4, 2015
“The dude from Coldplay.” Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion just turned to their significant others and swore it wasn’t them. I’m sure one of them doesn’t believe it and is suspiciously smelling his dick for pizza at this very moment (pizza works like pineapples, right?).
JLaw really did the Fourth of July dirty. Independence Day is America’s freedom from England, and this is how she celebrates? By surrendering her coochie to Chris Martin again? She could have at least waited a couple days and given her katniss a full weekend of freedom. It’s what Uncle Sam would have wanted.
Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.
An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.
No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?
That’s the face of someone who just realized they’re about to spend an entire week stuck on an island with a person who will definitely ask if the ice in their Mai Tai was made from artisanal hand-collected volcanic water that was filtered through the petals of an organic molokai flower.
Even though every time Gwyneth Paltrow calls up Jennifer Lawrence for a girl-hang, it probably goes straight to her machine, she’s still trying to make friends with her ex-husband’s new girlfriend. An “insider” tells Radar that Goopy is planning another beach vacation with Chris Martin and their kids, and this time she wants his girlfriend to come too. Radar says she’s also inviting her secret-not-secret boyfriend, American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk, and they’re all going to Hawaii. I think that might be the first time a week in Hawaii has ever sounded like a total nightmare.
“Gwyneth recognizes it’s time for Jen to meet the whole family, and she wants Chris to be there for Brad’s first proper bonding experience with the children. The plan is to spend a week together in Hawaii, as soon as all their schedules permit, but definitely before the end of summer.”
Of course, the insider says Jennifer Lawrence is “dreading” it, but she can’t talk Chris Martin out of it, because he’s still “spellbound” by Goopy. Spellbound? Um, are we sure that’s not just the result of a lack of oxygen to his brain from one of his scarves being tied too tight?
At the very least, JLaw could always make the best of a bad situation by trying to sneak SPAM into Gwyneth’s vegan palm leaf wraps and laughing when she asks “Oooh, what’s in this? It’s delicious!”
Here’s Goopy’s pre-sunrise beach cardio pilates partner with a whole bunch of hair extensions on her head walking from her car to her apartment in NYC yesterday.
That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?
A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.
Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.
In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.
Sidenote: it looks like everything Chris Martin is wearing in the picture above was pulled by his stylist from a Chris Martin starter kit. I have never seen him look more Chris Martin-y. The only thing missing is a summerweight scarf and a bottle of Xanax for when he needs to feel more alert (when you’re a human nap, everything works like an upper).
You would think that the first thing you’d want to do upon returning home from a conscious uncoupling anniversary vacation with Gwyneth Paltrow would be to dive head-first into a pile of Frito Pie or wrap yourself in a 100% polyester polar fleece blanket (I’ve heard saying the words “polar fleece” in Goopy’s house will get you slapped with a lifetime ban), but Page Six says he hauled ass to New York City to kill those Kate Hudson rumors by taking Jennifer Lawrence on a date in Central Park.
A source says they had lunch at Tavern on the Green and then walked through Strawberry Fields holding hands. Then on Sunday, People says Martin Lawrence met up at New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport and flew somewhere. Or maybe they just fucked in first class while the pilot drove aimlessly around the tarmac for a couple hours, who knows? Either way, this shit sounds like an episode of The Bachelor.
People’s source adds that Chris Martin talks to JLaw daily while she’s away filming Joy in Boston and that they are still ‘going strong’. “Is that a challenge?” thought Kate Hudson’s musician-snatching coochie.
Here’s the lady half of Martin Lawrence leaving her hotel in NYC on Saturday.
Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Celebrated The One Year Anniversary Of “Conscious Uncoupling” In Mexico
Yes, its been a full year since Gwyneth Paltrow strapped herself to a Snob’s Choice™ imported rocket and blasted herself into the stratosphere of better-than-you smugness, aka the time she announced she was “conscious uncoupling” – not divorcing, because divorce is for trashy poors who make less than $20 million a year – from Chris Martin. And to celebrate such a milestone, Page Six says they hopped aboard a luxury steel air yacht (Goopy doesn’t do pedestrian shit like airplanes) and flew down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with their kids.
Although something tells me Gwyneth wouldn’t call it an “anniversary”. Anniversary is too common. I’m sure when Gwyneth called up the $10,000 a night resort in Mexico to book their vacation and they asked “Are you celebrating anything special this week, Ms. Paltrow?“, she replied “As a matter of fact, yes. We’re acknowledging the spiritual maturity through enlightened choices that took place during the 584 million miles the Earth orbited around the Sun. Please ensure our room contains a bottle of organic kelp-filtered Champagne-style essence and make the towels look like two swans kissing.”
I think the person I feel the worst for has got to be the bartender working their swim-up bar. Imagine waking up every morning for a whole week knowing you’re about to spend the day making hand-pressed (at the request of the guest) cocktails and that you’ll be tipped in $200 white t-shirts.
Not to mention I’m sure they had to listen to her tell the story of conscious uncoupling at least ten times a day. “It’s so crazy! We’re totally best friends! We are like such such good friends now! Have I mentioned that we’re still best friends? Hey, where are you going? I need another vodka and lime leaf!“
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
Oh boy, here we go – time to play another game of what famous basic blonde is Chris Martin sticking his dick in now. The last time we checked, Chris Martin was still bumping his mopey scarf parts against Jennifer Lawrence’s pizza pocket, but that was back in February, so who even knows that their deal is. Regardless, TMZ thinks something might be up because Chris Martin spent his Saturday at the beach with a 3-months-single Kate Hudson. The beach? In the words of The Ashleys: scandalous!
Obviously, going to the beach doesn’t necessarily mean that two horny tricks are passing fuck fluids, especially since they brought their kids with them (and by the looks of the pics on TMZ, a whole mess more. For real, who do all those random kids belong to?). But if Grease has taught me anything, it’s that nasty shit goes down at the beach. Also, UsWeekly threw up a picture of Kate Hudson on her beach date/not date and she wearing a body chain, aka The Slut’s Rosary. Then again, Chris Martin was wearing some kind of surfer Mormon wetsuit thing, so who knows what was going on.
All I really know is that I’m jealous as hell that those two spent Saturday on the beach. Know how I spent my Saturday? Trying to get the radiator in my cold-ass office to work while I search the internet for “When will sun come out to not make face look like Lydia from Beetlejuice no more“.
I just got a little excited picturing Harry Styles at home watching Black Knight on DVD, but then I realized we’re talking about the boring Martin Lawrence, and I was like “Oh, that makes much more sense.” On Saturday night, pint-sized hipster heartthrob Harry Styles celebrated his 21st birthday in Los Angeles with his current contract piece, panty model Nadine Leopold, as well a whole mess of famous types, including Adele, Rashida Jones, Adam Levine, the only Kardashian with an actual job Kendull Jenner, and Cara Delevingne. And if that wasn’t a random enough guest list, People says the human mug of Theraflu Chris Martin and the manic hottie dream fart Jennifer Lawrence were there too.
People says there were no cameras allowed inside Harry’s birthday, so we don’t really know for sure if Martin Lawrence was actually there at all. After all, pictures of Martin Lawrence are as rare as a clear shot of Bigfoot. For all we know, it could have been Chris Martin standing next to a sexy enchanted piece of pizza, or Jennifer Lawrence holding a very large sleepy-looking scarf. Or the actual Martin Lawrence. What? Maybe he was there to pop out of a cake dressed as Sheneneh to sing “Happy Birthday”. That’s what I’d want for my birthday.
Speaking of cake, People says Harry had four birthday cakes. FOUR. CAKES. Sorry, remember what I said about Sheneneh popping out of a cake? I take it back. I’d want four cakes. If one was to have Martin Lawrence dressed as Sheneneh inside it, that’s fine. And I’m guessing he had four cakes in case one of his guests (cough JLAW cough) decided to prove how fun and down to earth they are by smashing a handful of cake into someone’s face. “Okay, if you want chocolate, vanilla, or lemon chiffon, you’re over here. If you want attention, that red velvet with extra icing in the corner is for you.“