Snake oil saleswoman, sometimes-actress, and yoga “founder” Gwyneth Paltrow already wanted us to know her divorce from Chris Martin wasn’t like any other divorce – they were “conscious uncoupling,” which meant they would still be friends. Fast forward a few years, and Gwyn is now married to Brad Falchuk, and Chris is with Dakota Johnson. I guess conscious uncoupling also means consciously agreeing to fly your ass to the Maldives and play babysitter to your ex while she has a honeymoon because Gwyn says Chris came along with their kids when she and Brad honeymooned over the last few weeks.
I don’t know for sure that Thanksgiving with Gwyneth Paltrow involves a wine that goes well with boiled kale stems (although I’m sure that’s totally on the table), but thanks to People, we know that it allegedly involved dinner with her new husband, as well as her ex-husband and his girlfriend. Sources say that Gwyneth, Brad Falchuk, Chris Martin, and Dakota Johnson, as well as Gywneth and Chris’ kids, Apple and Moses, all joined together for Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Despite it looking like Dakota Johnson is ready to heave first trimester barfs into the nearest Ellen-branded coffee mug in that image above, that’s not what’s happening here. At least according to Dakota, who is again shutting down any possible pregnancy rumors that may be tagging along behind her name this week.
Dakota Johnson is probably not carrying a Coldplay fetus in her womb, but now we know what Chris Martin’s face looks like when he busts a raw nut up into someone. Strangely enough, that’s also the face I make when thinking of Chris Martin busting a raw nut up into anyone.
TMZ started the rumor today that 41-year-old wilted piece of celery leaf Chris Martin and 29-year-old dried water chestnut Dakota Johnson made a baby together. Their evidence was a party at Chris’ mansion yesterday. They think it was a gender reveal party because it was decorated with pink and blue balloons. And shortly after Dakota’s dad Don Johnson showed up, the string of blue balloons shot up. So TMZ thinks that was a clear sign that Dakota’s Coldplay fetus has a peen. Dakota and Chris, who have been together for a year, are exactly the kind of people who would have a gender reveal party, but her rep says it was just a party for her birthday.
The rumors were true! Goop and her fiance of eight months have mindfully coalesced into a dyad! Translation – Gwyneth Paltrow, 46, and Glee and American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk, 47, were married in an intimate yet star-studded ceremony in the Hamptons yesterday.
Gwyneth Paltrow Talked Conscious Uncoupling And Postpartum Depression On Goop’s 10-Year Anniversary Podcast
The most pretentious woman to ever make you shove a jade egg up your vagina, Gwyneth Paltrow, sat down with her mother Blythe Danner on her Goop podcast to celebrate 10 years in the business of selling overpriced forks. On the podcast, Gwyneth talked about her struggle with postpartum depression, and that whole conscious uncoupling shit that we’ll never be able to escape.