Since it was a Tuesday afternoon when Goopy Paltrow announced that she shoved an enema up her marriage’s b-hole and cleansed herself of Chris Martin, the tabloids didn’t have enough time to report about their conscious uncoupling in last week’s issue. So this week, Goopy and Chris’ faces will be all over the magazines at the supermarket checkout line and looking at them will remind you that you forgot to pick up some laxatives and fishsticks.
People, who usually has both of their lips on Goopy’s solid gold-leafed asshole, says that during their 10 years of marriage, they sometimes kept it open and he’d hump on his side pieces (like Kate Bosworth, etc…) while she humped on her own side pieces (like Jeffrey Soffer, etc..). The HARDEST WORKING MOM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD said in her bullshit statement that her and the King of Waiting Room Music were having problems for about a year, but People says that for years their marriage has been a mess.
Several friends tell PEOPLE that the pair, who were married for 10 years, at times had an “open” relationship. “They were physically separated and emotionally,” says a Paltrow insider. Adds a close friend of the 41-year-old actress: “They have been on and off for many years. The marriage was falling apart.”
UsWeekly basically echoed what People said and they added that Goopy didn’t care that Chris put his mouth on other hos, but she did care that he put his mouth on Ronald McDonald’s parts. They always fought about her strict diet.
When that Alexa Chung rumor came out, one of my friends said that Goopy’s publicist was going to leak “an open marriage” story to let it be known that she okay’d Chris Martin’s wandering peen and nobody cheats on the Goop! Whatever, I really thought the tabloids would burp up the good shit this week. Open marriage shit and fights about diet?! That’s it? Where are the grainy, green stills from Chris Martin’s sex tape with three Monster Tacos from Jack In The Box?! Where is the story from The National Enquirer on how Goopy controlled all the money, because she knew he’d spend it on carbs and cheap meat, so Chris had to get his fix by selling his ass for a cheeseburger with bacon. Where are those stories?
The day that HARDEST WORKING SINGLE MOTHER IN THE WORLD Goopy Paltrow announced that she and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled (which is the phrase I’m going to use to describe the act of my hand falling off of my crotch after falling asleep while fapping) Lainey hinted about he and Alexa Chung possibly being a thing. Now The Daily Mail is running with it and they’re saying that while Chris was having marriage problems, he hung out with the dehydrated piece of bland Jicama. Chris certainly has a type. The skinnier and more annoying the better. Bitch probably gets hard when he gets a splinter.
The Daily Mail says that last June, Chris and Alexa Chung hung out at the Glastonbury Musical Festival and had milkshakes together at 4 in the morning at a place called the Shaken Udder (which is the unsexiest way to describe Salma Hayek shaking her chichis). The employee who served Chris and Alexa milk from the Shaken Udder gave The Daily Mail the riveting details of their leche date:
“They turned up together at around 3 or 4am and came over to where I was working at Shaken Udder and said to me and my friend ‘what do you recommend?’ They looked like they were just chilling and having a good time. I did find it a little odd that they were together – but we had a little chat and they wandered off after they asked us if we knew of any good places to go and have a few drinks. hey were having a laugh together, but it didn’t seem that anything was going on.”
Chris Martin is about as cool and edgy as a double pleat on a pair of khaki Dockers, so I don’t know if it’s he’s cool or edgy enough for Alexa’s ass. I don’t know if I’m totally buying them being together, but I totally believe that Goopy flipped out over their milkshake date. No, she didn’t care that he was with Alexa. Goopy couldn’t believe that Chris would drink dairy and sugar in public! How trashy! How gauche! Goopy doesn’t care that Chris puts his mouth on his whores, dairy and sugar, behind closed doors, but to do it in public is pouring generic brand table salt on her wounds. Now all of Goopy’s friends know that he cheated on the macrobiotic, all-organic diet she spent weeks creating with two cheap sluts like cow milk and white sugar. The cheap, 2 cent straw that Chris Martin used to drink his side pieces with was the FINAL straw.
There you have it! The case of the Castle Goopskull-wrecking hussy is closed! You can go ahead and let all the billionaires you contacted know that they no longer need to come in and let you smell their dicks for imported organic lube and snobby pussy juices. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) the reason that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are unconsciously crappening or whatever isn’t because Gwyneth couldn’t stop bumping her bony butt on random rich dudes, or because Chris Martin got a blow job from a woman who’s mouth didn’t reek of rancid coconut oil and he swore he’d never go back. No! It’s because Chris was pissed that Katie Paltrow was feeding their kids a steady diet of Kabbalah and Kale (don’t tell me Gwyneth and Madonna never tried to start a Salt-n-Pepa-style rap duo called Kabbalah-n-Kale).
Coldplay singer Chris Martin struggled to deal with various aspects of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle which is believed to have led to their split. It’s thought Chris, who was pictured lavishing his children with attention and even buying them ice cream on numerous of occasions, found the actress’ diet and rules both constricting and hard on the children.
A source told The Sun: ‘He wanted the family to watch DVDs and TV – and also wanted them to eat treats every now and then.’
NO DVDs?!?! Ugh, why does this not surprise me? Gwyneth is definitely the type to make her kids watch experimental 1960s French short films projected onto an 800-thread count Egyptian cotton bed sheet in the backyard. And instead of popcorn, they feast on bullshit and the feeling of superiority.
But it’s always that nasty ho kale’s fault. Kale broke up two of my relationships! The first was with a dude who had to ruin any and all foodstuffs by putting that bitter green shit in everything (YES EVEN ON PIZZA). And the second was with my relationship with Ruffles. I fell into the same trap everyone did two years ago when you tried to switch out regular delicious potato chips for kale chips. Of course I realized I’d made a terrible mistake the second that awful kale chip touched my tongue. Thankfully, Ruffles is a down-for-life bitch, and she took my two-timing ass back.
Reading the heave-worthy title of Goopy Paltrow’s break-up statement was like hearing my cousin pronounce chardonnay as “churr-doo-nay.” I cackled even though I had no idea what she was saying.
Goopy is always trying to out-GOOP herself, so while us regulars let the online world know we’re single by changing our FB status to, “on the prowl for hard dick again,” she posted a 2,000 word piece from some fancy doctors about”conscious uncoupling.” Bitch hasn’t even filed for divorce yet and she’s already an expert on it all. So as Chris Martin celebrated his separation by eating an Arby’s roast beef with horsey sauce off of a hooker’s crotch while another hooker fucked him in the butt with a Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap from McDonald’s, Professor Pretentioussia McStickUpperAss asked Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to write a piece about “conscious uncoupling” for Goop. Here’s just a sliver of that WTF pie:
To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone. In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment. This is probably the reason why so many people say their long-term relationships changed overnight, once they got married. The people didn’t change, but the expectation did.
To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them. Everyone enters into a marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It’s important to remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn’t mean they’re happy or that the relationship is fulfilling. To that end, living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce.
In order for those two paragraphs to make complete sense to me, I’m gonna need Neil deGrasse Tyson to explain it to me while I’m stoned into another dimension. That shit makes marriage sound like a pair of single-use contact lenses. (“Wait, it isn’t?” - Kim Kartrashian)
But I get it. It’s not Goopy’s fault her marriage ended, it’s just science. When everybody else divorces, they’re fat failures and their marriage ended because they ate too many carbs. When Goopy gets divorced, it isn’t because she and Chris just wanted to freely and openly put their mouths on other people’s fuck parts, it’s because she’s just really, really evolved.
In short: “Conscious uncoupling” is GOOP talk for “My divorce is better than YOUR divorce.”
Goopy Paltrow announced on GOOP today that Chris Martin can now eat McDonald’s all day long on 100-thread count sheets and his asshole is breathing a sigh of relief, because it no longer has to get daily coconut oil and quinoa water enemas. Even the pretentious ass title of Goopy’s break-up statement makes my eyeballs roll right out of my damn head.
It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.
Gwyneth & Chris
I’ve read all the blind items that were supposedly about them, so this shouldn’t make me clutch my anal beads out of shock, but it kind of did. Goopy and Chris Martin have been married for 11 years and I figured they’d be one of those cold, WASP bitch couples who’d make each other miserable forever. She’d spend her nights drinking $500 bottles of wine with her only friend, her maid, while he’s out bareback fucking 20-something after 20-something. They’d sleep in separate wings of their mansion and every time they’d go out in public together, she’d say under his breath, “I hate you more than bleached flour,” to him while throwing a fake smile. Shit, I think I just described the last couple years of their marriage.
And “conscious uncoupling ” sounds like a really pretentious way of describing shit coming out of a butt during a bowel movement. Does Goopy ever stop thinking about poop?!
I know a check is a check, but a television talent competition? How gauche! I’m sure his wife Gwyneth Paltrow, the inventor of next-level elitism and snobbery, wouldn’t be too happy to hear about this. However she’s far too busy replacing all the air in her home with imported beluga breath, so we’ll have to tell her later.
According to E! Online, Chris Martin (seen here with Ace Ventura’s sleazy snatch-chasing younger brother) has signed on as a vocal coach and mentor on sixth season of NBCs The Voice. Martin joins a group of mentors that includes Jill Scott, The Band Perry, Miranda Lambert, and Aloe Blacc (that sounds like something Shailene Woodley buys in bulk). So, good news everyone who’s ever wanted to be mentored by the CD collection from your mom’s minivan console!
Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t it seem – how you say - beneath Chris Martin to appear on a television talent show, and not even a good one at that! I though the singing talent show hierarchy was as follows: WB Superstar USA, American Idol, The X Factor, America’s Got Talent, Making the Band, a show for talented singing cats that I’m assuming exists on Animal Planet, The Voice. And he’s only a mentor? That means he doesn’t even get a red chair! Although I doubt he’d actually want one; they’ve all tested positive for lead-based spackle, fibreglass hair, and antibiotic-resistant STDs.
When Vanity Fair promised to make all of our dreams come true by queefing out a GOOP takedown piece, their reporters were apparently sniffing every crevice of Goopy Paltrow’s life for juicy pieces of organic and grass-fed dirt and they were really focusing on how she might’ve rubbed her GOOP bush on some billionaire’s crotch. Nothing really came of that and VF’s piece turned out to be as boring as a Coldplay album. Graydon Carter’s full editor’s letter explaining why the anti-GOOP piece never really happened went up online yesterday and that shit doesn’t say much besides the fact that he thinks GOOP is more out of touch than many chick magazines. (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) But on the same day that Graydon’s letter went up, the anonymous secret-sharing app Whisper claimed that they heard from a “very reliable source” that Goopy isn’t passing her hairy poon to a billionaire, she’s passing it to entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn. I’m staring at that picture of Kevin Yorn and wondering if that looks like the face of a man who wouldn’t flinch when Goopy asks him if it’s okay if she spreads her homemade lube (made of arabian stallion saliva, imported Neroli oil, Bagot goat butter and a drop of nipple discharge from a virgin) on his dick, because nothing processed or chemical touches her cooch.
Whisper’s EIC Neetzan Zimmerman, who used to write for Gawker, tells Gawker’s Defamer that a source who has no reason to lie and is really close to Goopy contacted them after Graydon Carter explained why VF killed their GOOP profile. The source told Whisper that Goopy has been down low fucking Kevin Yorn. Defamer asked Goopy’s publicist Kevin Huvane about this. Kevin Huvane denied it, then asked what Whisper was and then denied it some more after talking to Goopy.
The only time Gwyneth has even recently seen Kevin Yorn (who she knows only casually through business contacts) was on a flight from NY-LA. Gwyneth was flying with her assistant and the CEO of Goop and Kevin coincidentally was also in the first class section. I cannot be more clear with you when I say she is NOT having an affair with Kevin Yorn and I will be notifying her attorneys as well.
How embarrassing for Goopy! Defamer and Whisper both forced her to admit that she has flown COMMERCIAL before! Here I was thinking that Goopy refused to get on a plane unless it was a private jet and had seats covered in cashmere and the supple, fine skin leather that Mickey Rourke sheds every other week. I sort of believe Goopy, though. Would she really suck on a dick that has pissed in a commercial plane lavatory toilet recently? How uncouth! How unsanitary! How upper-middle-class!
And I wonder who this “very reliable source” is? I bet Apple Martin just strolled into a McDonald’s and ordered two of everything on the menu with her “very reliable source” money. Well played, Apple.
There’s literally nowhere this stuck-up snobby piece of stale PAAAASSS-ta could move without pissing off her neighbors. She could buy a deserted island in the middle of the ocean with no sign of human life for miles and miles, and she’d find a way to piss off the fish. On the upside, business would be booming for Ursula the Sea Witch, because every fish in a 100-mile radius would be banging down her door and begging her: “Forget the contract, just skip to the part where you kill me and turn me into a withered ass pimple.”
Because Gwyneth Paltrow is about as tolerable as an air-cured 100-mile artisinal shit, it’s easy to imagine the smile on her neighbors’s faces when they found out that her and Chris Martin would be selling their home in the Belsize Park area of North London. According to The Daily Star (via The Daily Mail), the neighbors hate them because the minute they moved in, they turned the street into a non-stop episode of Property Brothers (minus hot twins):
One resident told the paper: ‘We have had years of their building works. They have taken down trees so they can park their flash cars in the driveway and they put a huge swimming pool in the back garden.’
Another neighbour said: ‘The trouble is that it will probably be a similar sort that moves in and we’ll have this all over again.’
You can breathe a sigh of relief, Another Neighbor, because I can guarantee that you will never find another human alive who is more annoying or insufferable than Gwyneth Paltrow. That family of giant obnoxious boogers from the Mucinex commercials could move in and it would still be more tolerable than having to listen to non-stop Coldplay and finding your mail box stuffed with soy-ink letterpress pamphlets about hand-woven organic spirituality hammocks or the newest trend in brickwork. “I had all my bricks custom-shaped by the hooves of an endangered breed of Peruvian Llama. You should too, because your house is fugly and I hate it. Xo Your neighbor, Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow.”
Here’s Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin driving into Jennifer Aniston’s ridiculous ass Bel Air estate for a holiday party last night and in that picture it kind of looks like they’re just blindly driving along the road, which is the perfect metaphor for their lives.
So Jennifer Aniston threw a holiday party for her celebwhore friends and I’m sure it was just like your holiday party. But instead of serving food from Boston Market and Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers section on napkins, she served food made by a chef flown in on her private jet from wherever and served that food on brand new Hermes plates, which they later threw into the trash because reusing plates is gross. Instead of keeping bottles of Andre and cans of Cran-Brr-Rita chilled in a plastic trash can full of ice, she had three open bars and a giant wine fountain full of wine from her own damn vineyard. (Side note: The tanks of all of Jen’s toilets were filled with Miraval Rose.) And instead of the party ending after someone’s auntie projectile barfed up spiked egg nog, the party ended when Goopy Paltrow took a bite of chorizo in a blanket and barfed at the mouth in Spanish about her native Spain. FYI: Every country is Goopy’s native country. She’s that international.
Both UsWeekly and The Daily Mail made a big deal about Jennifer Aniston inviting a fellow ex of Brad Pitt’s to her party. It’s not that big of a deal really. Aniston invited Goopy, because she and Chelsea Handler needed a bitch to make fun of. But I’m sure Aniston and Goopy bonded at the cheese table when they both took a bite of warm munster cheese which reminded them of going down on Brad Pitt.
And here’s a few riveting pictures of famous hos like Courteney Cox (with a hot piece) and Will Arnett driving themselves to Aniston’s party. Why oh why didn’t the LAPD give us a beautiful Christmas gift by setting up a DUI checkpoint in front of Aniston’s gates?
Vanity Fair’s head bitch Graydon Carter has declared war on Goopy Paltrow after she refused to speak to them for a cover story and told all of her friends to blacklist their asses (that really worked). Graydon isn’t going to let Goopy slap at his ass lips without doing anything about it and he promised to get revenge on her by publishing an “epic takedown” cover story. I’m sure while he’s working on that story, he’s going to sneak into her mansion and replace her red panda placenta shampoo with Suave and put dog shit from a mutt (not even a purebred) in her outdoor wood-burning pizza oven. Page Six says that Graydon plans to expose all of Goopy’s darkest secrets. This is like a really boring episode of Dynasty if Alexis Carrington was a 64-year-old editor dude of a magazine and Krystle Carrington was a really pretentious dehydrated piece of jicama.
A source tells the Post that Vanity Fair’s “researchers” have been asking fancy bitches in Miami what they knew about Goopy’s relationship with billionaire hotel mogul Jeff Soffer (seen above looking like what shows up at your door when you order a bottom tier JFK Jr. impersonator). Jeff Soffer owns the Fontainebleau, is married to Elle Macpherson and he’s considered “Miami royalty.” The source said that Jeff flew Goopy into Miami for the reopening of the Fontainbleau in 2008 and gave her a “private” tour of his hotel. Goopy stayed at his house and during that same trip, they partied in a private section together at a Victoria’s Secret party.
Goopy and Jeff spokeswhores didn’t have anything to say about the Post’s story.
This better not be the juiciest piece of escandalosoness in VF’s supposed “takedown” story. Where are the stories from her maid about how they once caught her on her marble bathroom floor scraping the cheese off of a Big Mac box with her teeth while crying about how the preservatives heal her pain? Where are the pictures of her cooking a Tombstone pizza in her outdoor wood-burning pizza oven? Where is the interview from a plumber who worked for Goopy and confirms that fake bitch’s toilet is filled with regular tap water instead of the tears of Martha Stewart?
I mean, a story about how Goopy might’ve gooped all over some billionaire’s dick is about as shocking as finding out that nothing brings Chris Martin joy like eating McDonald’s french fries out of his side piece’s twat.