That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?
A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.
Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.
In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.
Sidenote: it looks like everything Chris Martin is wearing in the picture above was pulled by his stylist from a Chris Martin starter kit. I have never seen him look more Chris Martin-y. The only thing missing is a summerweight scarf and a bottle of Xanax for when he needs to feel more alert (when you’re a human nap, everything works like an upper).
You would think that the first thing you’d want to do upon returning home from a conscious uncoupling anniversary vacation with Gwyneth Paltrow would be to dive head-first into a pile of Frito Pie or wrap yourself in a 100% polyester polar fleece blanket (I’ve heard saying the words “polar fleece” in Goopy’s house will get you slapped with a lifetime ban), but Page Six says he hauled ass to New York City to kill those Kate Hudson rumors by taking Jennifer Lawrence on a date in Central Park.
A source says they had lunch at Tavern on the Green and then walked through Strawberry Fields holding hands. Then on Sunday, People says Martin Lawrence met up at New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport and flew somewhere. Or maybe they just fucked in first class while the pilot drove aimlessly around the tarmac for a couple hours, who knows? Either way, this shit sounds like an episode of The Bachelor.
People’s source adds that Chris Martin talks to JLaw daily while she’s away filming Joy in Boston and that they are still ‘going strong’. “Is that a challenge?” thought Kate Hudson’s musician-snatching coochie.
Here’s the lady half of Martin Lawrence leaving her hotel in NYC on Saturday.
Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Celebrated The One Year Anniversary Of “Conscious Uncoupling” In Mexico
Yes, its been a full year since Gwyneth Paltrow strapped herself to a Snob’s Choice™ imported rocket and blasted herself into the stratosphere of better-than-you smugness, aka the time she announced she was “conscious uncoupling” – not divorcing, because divorce is for trashy poors who make less than $20 million a year – from Chris Martin. And to celebrate such a milestone, Page Six says they hopped aboard a luxury steel air yacht (Goopy doesn’t do pedestrian shit like airplanes) and flew down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with their kids.
Although something tells me Gwyneth wouldn’t call it an “anniversary”. Anniversary is too common. I’m sure when Gwyneth called up the $10,000 a night resort in Mexico to book their vacation and they asked “Are you celebrating anything special this week, Ms. Paltrow?“, she replied “As a matter of fact, yes. We’re acknowledging the spiritual maturity through enlightened choices that took place during the 584 million miles the Earth orbited around the Sun. Please ensure our room contains a bottle of organic kelp-filtered Champagne-style essence and make the towels look like two swans kissing.”
I think the person I feel the worst for has got to be the bartender working their swim-up bar. Imagine waking up every morning for a whole week knowing you’re about to spend the day making hand-pressed (at the request of the guest) cocktails and that you’ll be tipped in $200 white t-shirts.
Not to mention I’m sure they had to listen to her tell the story of conscious uncoupling at least ten times a day. “It’s so crazy! We’re totally best friends! We are like such such good friends now! Have I mentioned that we’re still best friends? Hey, where are you going? I need another vodka and lime leaf!“
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
Oh boy, here we go – time to play another game of what famous basic blonde is Chris Martin sticking his dick in now. The last time we checked, Chris Martin was still bumping his mopey scarf parts against Jennifer Lawrence’s pizza pocket, but that was back in February, so who even knows that their deal is. Regardless, TMZ thinks something might be up because Chris Martin spent his Saturday at the beach with a 3-months-single Kate Hudson. The beach? In the words of The Ashleys: scandalous!
Obviously, going to the beach doesn’t necessarily mean that two horny tricks are passing fuck fluids, especially since they brought their kids with them (and by the looks of the pics on TMZ, a whole mess more. For real, who do all those random kids belong to?). But if Grease has taught me anything, it’s that nasty shit goes down at the beach. Also, UsWeekly threw up a picture of Kate Hudson on her beach date/not date and she wearing a body chain, aka The Slut’s Rosary. Then again, Chris Martin was wearing some kind of surfer Mormon wetsuit thing, so who knows what was going on.
All I really know is that I’m jealous as hell that those two spent Saturday on the beach. Know how I spent my Saturday? Trying to get the radiator in my cold-ass office to work while I search the internet for “When will sun come out to not make face look like Lydia from Beetlejuice no more“.
I just got a little excited picturing Harry Styles at home watching Black Knight on DVD, but then I realized we’re talking about the boring Martin Lawrence, and I was like “Oh, that makes much more sense.” On Saturday night, pint-sized hipster heartthrob Harry Styles celebrated his 21st birthday in Los Angeles with his current contract piece, panty model Nadine Leopold, as well a whole mess of famous types, including Adele, Rashida Jones, Adam Levine, the only Kardashian with an actual job Kendull Jenner, and Cara Delevingne. And if that wasn’t a random enough guest list, People says the human mug of Theraflu Chris Martin and the manic hottie dream fart Jennifer Lawrence were there too.
People says there were no cameras allowed inside Harry’s birthday, so we don’t really know for sure if Martin Lawrence was actually there at all. After all, pictures of Martin Lawrence are as rare as a clear shot of Bigfoot. For all we know, it could have been Chris Martin standing next to a sexy enchanted piece of pizza, or Jennifer Lawrence holding a very large sleepy-looking scarf. Or the actual Martin Lawrence. What? Maybe he was there to pop out of a cake dressed as Sheneneh to sing “Happy Birthday”. That’s what I’d want for my birthday.
Speaking of cake, People says Harry had four birthday cakes. FOUR. CAKES. Sorry, remember what I said about Sheneneh popping out of a cake? I take it back. I’d want four cakes. If one was to have Martin Lawrence dressed as Sheneneh inside it, that’s fine. And I’m guessing he had four cakes in case one of his guests (cough JLAW cough) decided to prove how fun and down to earth they are by smashing a handful of cake into someone’s face. “Okay, if you want chocolate, vanilla, or lemon chiffon, you’re over here. If you want attention, that red velvet with extra icing in the corner is for you.“
Once again, the real Martin Lawrence is sitting in his mansion (Big Momma’s House) reading this headline with a confused look on his face and thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember lighting a bunch of candles and eating dinner like I was Harry Potter in the Great Hall or some such whimsical bullshit.”
It appears that the soggy bowl of Kashi Good Friends cereal that is the relationship between humanized nap Chris Martin and sexy fart Jennifer Lawrence is still a thing that is happening (that sound you just heard was Gwyneth Paltrow submerging herself in a hand-carved Italian crystal bath tub and letting out a full-body scream). According to People, Martin Lawrence were spotted having a romantic dinner last week in Los Angeles. A source says Martin Lawrence snuck in the back door of the restaurant and proceeded to sit at a candlelit table for almost two hours. They ordered several plates of food and split a dessert. Ew, really? They split a dessert? That date sounds like my idea of Hell. A looky-loo sitting near Martin Lawrence said:
“They looked happy and just focused on each other. They were smiling, talking and very friendly”
Chris Martin totally strikes me as the type of dude who shows up to a date holding one single cellophane-wrapped red rose, so a candlelit dinner sounds right up his alley. But I didn’t think candles and splitting a slice of cheesecake was rill enough for America’s Kewl Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence. She seems more like a ripping-chicken-wing-farts-while-chugging-a-growler-of-beer type of girl. Next time Chris should do her right and take her to the dirty Dave & Busters (there’s always a “dirty” one). Or maybe he’s saving D&B for something special, like the night he proposes. “Darling, before you dig into your Mountain O’ Nachos, I believe you might want to take a look inside that pile of guacamole…“
Once again, somewhere in a giant mansion in Beverly Hills (mansion name: Big Momma’s House) , the real Martin Lawrence is thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember being two blonde people eating sushi.” So, the last time we checked in on the comings and goings of human scarf Chris Martin and the pizza fart queen Jennifer Lawrence’s horny down-lows, they were still rubbing against each other after it was rumoured that they had stopped. Then things went quiet and we didn’t hear much about them again, until yesterday when a picture of Martin Lawrence at a sushi restaurant in Studio City on Tuesday night surfaced on Tumblr (via People). According to People, a source (ie. a talking piece of yellowfin tuna) describes their dinner experience as the following:
“They were engulfed in their little world of conversation. They were into each other and not noticing anyone else around them. [Martin Lawrence] seemed to be just content with each other. He was really listening to what she was saying.”
Well, I should hope so – imagine if he’d invited her out for spicy salmon rolls and spent the whole night texting Gwyneth Paltrow? RUDE! Sushi dates are special and should be treated as such. No word on whether or not they also spent New Years Eve together, but I’m sure if they did, it was equally as thrilling.
Or maybe they’re not even on a date? Maybe JLaw was there alone trying to enjoy a plate of sushi pizza in peace, when the come-to-life throw blanket spotted her from across the restaurant, invited himself over, and started helping himself to whatever was on her plate. He seems like the type.
Shocking, I know: an insufferable snob like Gwyneth Paltrow is an insufferable snob in all aspects of her life, including her own mother. “Ew, we don’t like to use the word mother – it’s just so pedestrian. She’s my biological birth being. Correct yourself, you uncultured skank.” And if you can believe it, it’s actually so much more goopy than that.
According to Page Six, Gwyneth was hanging out in the Hamptons with her ex-husband Chris Martin at a spa. Sleepy McScarf was paying for a one-hour massage for The Corn Broom while she texted away on her exclusive communication instrument (Gwyneth doesn’t use a cellphone like the unwashed masses). A source claims that Chris asked Gwyneth who she was talking to, and she responded: “Blythe Danner“. BLYTHE DANNER??? That bitch name-dropped her own mother! The only way she could have gotten any goopier would be if she had replied: “Blythe Danner, mother of Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow“.
Or maybe she responded with “Blythe Danner” because she was mad at Chris Martin and wasn’t in the mood for lighthearted colloquialisms like “mom“. The source says he bought her a massage, but it doesn’t say what kind of massage. I bet she was still pissed off that when she laid down on the massage table, someone started rubbing her back with their hands. “Human hands? Excuse me? Blythe Danner’s daughter would NEVER! Did you run out of imported young tiger paws or something?“
Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.
A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:
“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”
The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!
Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!