Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.
A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:
“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”
The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!
Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!
Remember when both E! and People said that Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were done bumping fuck parts and she no longer has to gently pat his clammy bare back as he has a post-sex cry on top of her? Then remember the stories about how Goopy Paltrow is the one that killed Martin Lawrence? Well, either People and E! were wrong and Martin Lawrence never stopped boning or they stopped for a second and started up again. You better hope it’s the latter, because if it turns out the publicist-fed People lied to us, we won’t be able to trust anyone everyone again. If you can’t trust People, E! and the tabloids, who can you really trust?
People is saying today that Chris Martin and JLaw are still licking on each other’s genitals. People’s source (who just so happens to be the tia of a drug dealer who sold an 8-ball to a bikini waxer whose hairstylist’s brother-in-law once went out on a Tindr date with a waitress who served a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity breakfast to a girl whose credit card had the name “Jenifer Laurence” on it) says that they’re still seeing each other.
“They’re very much together. He’s very much into her and they’re still seeing each other.”
Some other source said that JLaw doesn’t give ten queefs what Goopy thinks about her relationship with Chris. That source also says that Chris is living in Malibu right now, so JLaw has to drive a total of 90 minutes to see him. Because of L.A. traffic, that means that JLaw lives about 10 blocks away.
Will People figure it out and get back to Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, because she needs to know if they’re together or not. If they are, she needs to put a barf bucket on every place setting at her Christmas dinner table. Memaw’s guests will need something to heave into when JLaw practically orgasms after Chris lets out a ham and Frito pie-induced fart.
Goopy Paltrow was the host of last night’s amfAR Inspiration Gala aka the LOOK AT MY TITS EVENT (or in Goopy’s case, LOOK AT MY CHEST BONES EVENT), which means that guests gobbled up a delicious and filling spread of dehydrated organic dragon fruit seeds, laxative-tinis and Jennifer Lawrence’s double filtered tears. Dozens of guests are currently being treated at Cedars-Sinai for the coma they fell into after overdosing on lethal loads of meh and smugness and that could mean only two things: Chris Martin performed and Goopy introduced him!
While looking like an un-breaded, greasy fishstick in costume as a Robert Palmer girl, Goopy introduced the master of doctor waiting room music with this dose of eye roll fuel:
“This brilliant singer-songwriter has sold 8 million records, has won every single award that there is to be won, especially Father of the Year, which he has won consecutively since 2004. I am speaking of Chris Martin and the incredibly talented Jonny Buckland, who together make up one-half of the legendary band Coldplay.”
Yeah, I’m sure he wasn’t a ten-time Father of the Year a couple of weeks ago when he was threatening to expose their children to something worse then all the diseases in the world, CARBS, by constantly hanging around human carb monster Jennifer Lawrence. I haven’t seen video of Goopy’s intro, but I’m sure she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Haha, Jennifer Lawrence, the air kisses that blow out of Chris Martin’s anus hole belong to me again!”
I’m sure these two will be consciously coupled again by New Year’s. Or until Goopy completely disinfects Chris Martin’s peen of all the canned cheese he used as lube when boning JLaw.
If that isn’t the face of a calculating come-to-life corn broom saboteur, then I don’t know what is. Here, let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Ahhhh! I can practically feel her eyes penetrating my soul and tricking me into buying $2,600 imported sea urchin venom eye cream!
But back to what’s really important here. According to Radar, the 10-week-old love between Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin that recently floated away on a fart cloud might have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hand-pressed organic almond milk stink all over it. Even though Chill Girl Gwynnie claimed to be happy that her ex had moved on and was trying to get all Goopsterhood of the Traveling Size 0 Pants with JLaw, a source claims that behind the closed doors of Castle Goopskull, that crafty corn broom was doing everything in her power to DESTROY THEM. And who did she recruit to help take down Martin Lawrence? The Gooplets!
I was going to title this shit “RIP Martin Lawrence,” but it’s Monday and nothing would be crueler than making you think that there will never ever be a Sheneneh movie.
E! News and People both say that Jennifer Lawrence’s nipples are no longer getting hard as she inhales the bland scent of Chris Martin’s ass burps, because they have broken up. Martin Lawrence first became a thing this summer and they were never really photographed together together, but they did end up in the same picture in September. I know, your soul is probably still raw and bloody from being rocked by that breaking news. Now they’re over for whatever reason. People and E! News didn’t say. Maybe one of Jennifer Lawrence’s friends knocked her out of the waking coma she was in by hitting her over the head with her middle finger umbrella and she realized that fucking Goopy Paltrow’s leftovers is no way to go through life.
I don’t even know if they were actually ever together. If a bear shits in the woods and nobody smells it, did that bear really shit in the woods? If Kim Kardashian gets married and 200 cameras aren’t there to document every whorey detail, did Kim Kardashian really get married? If Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin never posed together in a staged photo-op, were they ever a couple? Was this a failed PR stunt or just one of those “get stoned and bone two times” situations or did we all just make it up?
Anyway, since JLaw is really into British dudes who look like they cry after cumming, I’m guessing she’ll start dating either Benedict Cumberbatch or Prince Charles next. Since Chris Martin is really into blonde Oscar winners, I’m guessing he’ll start humping on Zero Dark Thirty’s gorgeous sound editor.
And once Goopy Paltrow finishes gooping out of her goop holes while cackling over this news, she should get back with Chris Martin, because they really are a match made in insufferable cunt heaven. Why fight it?
Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!
And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.
I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?”
Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!
There goes my dream of Jennifer Lawrence going to Goopy Paltrow’s house for Christmas and bringing a conscious coupling chocolate pie with her.
Jennifer Lawrence can’t tell her grandma anything anymore, because memaw goes and spills it into the ear of a British reporter. A reporter from The Sun (via The Daily Mail) called up Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, Carolyn Koch, and after Memaw Carol asked the reporter if they know Angela Lansbury, because she just LOVES Murder, She Wrote, they got to talking about whatever (examples: Memaw Carol’s cheddar and apple pie recipe, that gossiping biddy Bernice who lives down the street, etc…) and then one thing led to her talking about Chris Martin. Memaw Carol told The Sun that her daughter went to meet Chris Martin in L.A. and they’re planning to have him over for Christmas. Memaw Carol allegedly said this to The Sun (Note: Either Memaw Carol has been watching a lot of Downton Abbey or The Sun changed “mother” to “mum“):
“Jennifer’s mum flew to Los Angeles to meet Chris. We will have to get another chair for the dinner table at Christmas. The family is getting so big we might have to split up for gatherings.”
At that point, Jennifer’s grandpa, Colin Koch, picked up the phone because he just got their electric bill and it was CRAZY high. He was planning to call the electric company and give them a piece of his goddamn mind. Are they fixing the meters? He saw that on the news. They better lower the bill or he’s going to call 7 On Your Side. But when he got on the phone, he heard his wife talking to that British reporter and then HE spilled some stuff about Jennifer Lawrence too:
“Jennifer doesn’t like the hype. She looks like she really enjoys doing TV interviews but she’s just a great actress. She hasn’t changed one bit – she is so humble and down to earth.”
Thanks memaw and pepaw! Now everyone knows that Chris Martin is going to be with JLaw’s family on Christmas. But you know, Memaw Carol doesn’t have to worry about getting an extra chair. This is the first Christmas where Chris Martin won’t be served wet organic almonds on a bed of alfalfa sprouts. So he’s going to squat at the end of the table, open his mouth hole wide and pull at the tablecloth until all of that delicious, fatty food is in his belly.
Here’s JLaw at the screening of Serena at the BFI London Film Festival last night.
Pics: AP, Getty
Why did I immediately get the feeling this post should have a “You in danger girl” tag? According to Us Weekly, a source close to Gwyneth Paltrow (the $1250 hand-carved imported acacia wood stick that’s permanently stuck up her ass) says that she’s ready to meet Chris Martin’s new squeeze, America’s favorite fart-sniffin’ cool girl Jennifer Lawrence, and wants to spend some time getting to know her. Keep your basic friends close and your enemies closer! I’m sure that’s stitched in 24k gold thread on a Mulberry silk pillow somewhere in Castle Goopskull.
“She’d like to spend a little time with her and thinks they’d probably get along.” The source adds that the Shakespeare in Love actress is “fine” with her ex’s romance with Lawrence but would like him to wait a bit before introducing her to their kids, daughter Apple and son Moses. “Gwyneth wants to be sure about her,” the source says.
Oh Gwyneth, you crafty come-to-life corn broom you. I can see what she’s trying to do here. She wants to get the scoop on JLaw without coming across like Chris’s crazy ex-wife (tooooo laaate), so she’ll casually try to invite herself over to JLaw’s house for a little GOOP-y girl’s night. Then after about an hour of sipping chilled organic tiger tear gin and tonics and talking about GOOP-y girl stuff (“OMG Jenny, don’t you totally hate it when you get a blow out and the stylist forgets to apply crushed grey pearl serum??”), Gwyneth will excuse herself and go rummaging through JLaw’s bathroom for cool girl dirt. “Ew, what is this? A toothbrush? You mean she doesn’t have an in-house dentist who cleans her teeth every morning? And she still uses towels? Gawd, it’s 2014 – I thought everyone had made the transition to a $29,000 personal moisture removal machine by now.”
And totally off topic, but what is it with all of Gwyneth’s exes moving on to girls name Jennifer? Chris Martin, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck (twice!) – something in the cashmere-filtered lemongrass water ain’t clean!
Here’s more of I’m-not-a-regular-ex-wife-I’m-a-cool-ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow serving up some sexy corn husk doll realness at an Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences lunch yesterday.
In a fart-filled basement somewhere, a human neckbeard with eyes took a moment from fapping to Jennifer Lawrence’s naked pictures with help from popcorn oil to scream at his screen, “I’m your dream man, Jennifer Lawrence. I am him!”
Jennifer Lawrence took her never-ending “I’m The Rill-est” campaign to Vanity Fair and told them that what really makes her heart flutter is the wind coming out of her boyfriend’s asshole. JLaw is a rill kind of rill girl and she wants a boyfriend who will watch Real Housewives with her, doesn’t like to fight, will fill his eating hole with delicious preservatives and is open enough to cover her body with her perfume of choice: farts. If it wasn’t for the tiny fact that she has a poon instead of a peen, we’d be soulmates.
File this under: “DUH! Of course that hay-haired control freak does!“. Even though human water cracker Gwyneth Paltrow and come-to-life cashmere scarf Chris Martin have been separated for what feels like years now and he’s moved on to shedding a single tear while slow-humping on Katniss Everdeen and she’s moved on to rubbing her bland parts on the Jonathan Cheban-looking dude who created Glee, Grazia UK (via The Daily Mail) says that Gwyneth still has Chris on a tight $900 imported leather leash.
A source (the lead singer of The Nappies) says that Goopy is happy that Chris has found someone to poke with his melancholy penis, but she doesn’t want him to forget about his co-parenting priorities, so she’s drawn up a schedule to make sure Chris spends enough time at Castle Goopskull with her and the gooplets. But how does Chris Martin feel about it? The source says you can call him “Natalie Imbruglia”, because he’s TORN:
They say Chris is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage. “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,” the source tells the magazine. “The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”
I have no idea what Chris Martin’s Goop-approved schedule is actually like – it could just be like “Saturday, 10:30 – go organic meyer lemon picking with gooplets“. But since everything Gwyneth writes is a hand-dyed linen bag of bullshit, that schedule is most likely the worst. I bet even the gooplets look at it and roll their eyes. “Jesus Christ, mom…2:30-4:45 – watch Gwyneth work out to Tracy Anderson’s Awkward White Girl Hip-Hop Dance DVD? Again?“