Last month it was rumored that billionaire Elon Musk was trying to woo Dakota Johnson. A few weeks after that, Dakota Johnson was reportedly hanging around Chris Martin. Elon might want to consider setting his romantic sights on someone else, unless he wants to tangle with one of Chris Martin’s many scarves to get to Dakota. Because according to UsWeekly, Dakota and Chris are “definitely dating” now.
If the rumors are true, then Gwyneth Paltrow might have an engagement ring (or “fidelity intention totem” as she calls it) on her finger from her boyfriend Brad Falchuk. And just to prove that Gwyneth Paltrow does both divorce and second marriages better than the rest of us, she gathered her ex-husband Chris Martin and her maybe secret fiancé for brunch yesterday.
Gwyneth Instagrammed the above picture yesterday with the caption: “Sunday brunch #modernfamily.” I know Gwyneth wants us to care that Chris Martin is sitting in the general vicinity of Brad Falchuk, but all I’m focused on is why the hell they’re sitting in front of a chalk board. Did Gwyneth treat them to brunch at a GOOP timeshare seminar? Does anyone know if Chris and Brad were treated to a piece of gluten-free tapioca toast smeared with raw coconut oil, but only if they sat through a 90-minute presentation about jade vagina eggs first?
I can’t be a total miser here; it’s nice that Gwyneth’s previous husband doesn’t seem to hate her next one. It’s a bit corny, but it’s miles better than the alternative (just ask Halle Berry). Even if both Chris and Brad look a little uncomfortable. Although Chris is probably all hunched up because his body isn’t used to being without a scarf for so long. He’s attempting to conserve heat before hypothermia sets in.
Page Six is reporting that Dakota Johnson might be getting all up on The Hammaconda. Dakota and Jon Hamm were spotted slurping down wine last week at a hotel bar in NYC after he hosted the Brooklyn Black Tie Ball.
Chris and Jay
Sitting in a Tree
First Comes Love
(Mieka, “A Love Song for Jay and Chris”)
I no longer think that Coldplay is about as edgy as a popped polo shirt collar on a suburban dad driving a bright green Camaro, because some hardcore shit went down at one of their shows over the weekend. It was more rock & roll than the time Chris Martin accidentally said a curse word during a backstage pep talk.
Coldplay played a show for SiriusXM at a bar called The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons on Sunday and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest and famous tricks like Karlie Kloss, Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and professional shit stirrer/diet booze mogul Bethenny Frankel of The Real Drunk Mess of New York City. Since the Botoxed praying mantis seems to live her life like Bravo’s cameras are always on her, she caused a scene and committed a criminal act when she wasted the sweet nectar by throwing a cocktail at some chicks who annoyed her. That’s what Page Six says anyway.
It’s time to pop a bottle of sparkling alkalinized nettle essence and celebrate, for the end of an era is upon us. More than two years after they announced they were splitting up in what is now the gold standard for pretentious celebrity separation announcements, and a little over one year since she filed for divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are absolutely, 100% officially uncoupled. People says they came to a settlement agreement back in May, and it was finally entered into a Los Angeles County courthouse yesterday.
According to their divorce settlement, Gwyneth and Chris agreed on sharing custody of their kids and worked out property stuff. Neither Chris nor Gwyneth asked for spousal support, which makes sense, since we all know Gwyneth is a self-made millionaire who doesn’t know what it’s like to take a hand-out.
I do wonder how Gwyenth and Chris will celebrate their divorce. And I’m sure they will. Gwyneth’s whole thing is about how she and Chris are practically The Brady’s long-lost Upper East Side siblings who get along better than most married couples. The celebrated one year of conscious uncoupling with a trip to Mexico. Obviously Goop’s first divorce requires something more significant than a simple trip across the border to prove she’s still the best of besties with her ex. They need a place that even the strongest couples would snap under the pressure. My guess is that she and Chris will fly to Sweden and rent out an entire IKEA store and live there for a week. “Look at us! We haven’t fought once! Can you even – CHRIS, get that disgusting meatball out of my face. You know I’m only drinking canned pear cider and crab paste this week.”
Here’s a freshly divorced Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday in Toronto promoting her fancy makeup and beauty line.