Again, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina! – I mean, Damn Gwynnie! When the hell did we have a problem???”
When it was announced that Chris Martin was slow-humping (you know that bitch has to make sex a ~soulful~ experince) on America’s Kewlest Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, most of us gleefully shot our eyes to the direction of Gwyneth Paltrow in anticipation for some kind of free-range hand-carved imported organic basic bitch meltdown upon learning that she’d been replaced by the cooler 24-year-old version of herself. But sadly, we’re not about to get one. Well, at least not for the time being. E! news says that Goopy is actually legit happy that her former partner in insufferable self-importance is getting his dick wet:
“Gwyneth is very happy for Chris, that he has moved on and found someone else,” a source tells E! News. “Their split has been remarkably amiable and they both just want the best for one another.”
Moreover, Gwyneth “can see why Jennifer is a good match for Chris,” our source adds. “Chris is very drawn to her personality, and ambition and talent. There are actually some amazing similarities between Jennifer and Gwyneth and how they view life and career, and so Gwyneth knows that ultimately Jennifer has the power to make Chris happy in the long term.
“And that’s all Gwyneth wants for Chris,” the insider reiterates. “They might not be a couple anymore, but they will always be co-parents and best friends.”
Gwyneth’s “source” (Hi Jessica Seinfeld!) used an awful lot of words, when really, they could have saved themselves some time by saying “Gwyneth is too busy fucking that weird looking dude from Glee to care what Chris Martin is doing. The End. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up Gwyneth’s weekly order of hand-picked North African crocus stems, or else she won’t have anything to filter her imported sperm whale sweat with, and would you spritz your face with unfiltered sperm whale sweat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
Cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina, when the hell did I go to a vineyard???” E! News says that Martin Lawrence, the this-makes-zero-sense union between Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence, were spotted two weeks ago on a goopy-sounding date at the Wolffer Estate Vineyard in New York.
“They were there on a date,” the source dished. “They were very low-key, nobody realized who they were.”
“The setting was super-romantic. They watched the sun go down together, then quietly left,” the insider continued, noting that it’s believed the two both sampled wines.
That it’s believed? Oh believe this, you’d know if Jennifer Lawrence had been sampling wine. First of all, JLaw doesn’t “sample”, she guzzles. Second, JLaw left quietly? That means she didn’t “sample” shit. If JLaw had been “sampling” wine, she would have found every set of stairs at Wolffler Estates, fallen down them twice, tried to climb one of the oak casks and ride it like Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Dr. Strangelove, referred to the Sommelier as a ‘Somalian Pirate’, and passed out clutching a bunch of grape vines she ripped from the ground. So no, she didn’t sample any wine, which means it sounds like the most boring trip to the vineyard ever.
Meanwhile, back at Castle Goopskull, Chris Martin’s older model Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth Paltrow, was reminding him that she’s still around by nominating him for the ALS ice bucket challenge by having her assistant (who’s name is probably Kevin, but she made him legally change it to something more pretentious sounding like Sébastien) dump a bucket of warm triple-filtered organic dewdrops collected from the petals of freshly-bloomed imported French peonies.
I love how she makes sure to mention that she’s also giving money. “I know a lot of celebrities are just dumping free tapwater on their heads, but I, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, philanthropist and world’s best friend, am also donating money, because I am just ~so~ much better at the ALS challenge than you.”
And yes, those are the faces they make while doing it.
So, I was lying in a half-coma after getting throat fucked by a scope (the scope and are going to have burritos at Chipolte later and do it again in my car) and an alert from E! popped up on my phone that I thought read: Chris Martin and Joey Lawrence Are Seeing Each Other. The image of Joey Lawrence blurting out “Whoah!” while Chris Martin tongue bones him temporarily cured all my ails. But Chris Martin and Joey Lawrence aren’t touching nipples. Chris Martin and America’s Former Sweetheart (sorry, but Chris Pratt owns the title now) Jennifer Lawrence are. Several sources tell E! News that Chris and Jennifer have been dating since late June. I guess he has a thing for Oscar-winning blondes who can get on a bitch’s nerve and she has a thing for British dudes with eyebrow situations that need to be tamed.
Well, leave it to the definition of “random” to shit up a couple on a Friday.
So while Goopy Paltrow is using lube made from the saliva of a Red-Crowned Crane to elegantly make love to that Glee dude on a cashmere-covered mattress stuffed with the feathers of baby swans as members of the actual London Philharmonic play Verdi in the corner, Chris Martin is fucking Jennifer Lawrence on the sticky wrappers of the Big Macs they just ate. And you know they fart a lot while fucking. Or actually, maybe they don’t bone at all, because every time he opens his mouth to speak, she falls into a coma.
These two don’t make any sense, but I’m still for it. Because Jennifer Lawrence will totally take Apple and Moses to McDonald’s and sneak them Snickers and shit. And anything that makes Goopy seethe can only be good!
Here’s Martin Lawrence separately leaving the after-party for Coldplay’s show in London last July.
BRB, I need to check to see that there are still laws against cannibalism. Listening to Coldplay usually makes me want to kill myself, and I want to make sure the next time “Fix You” starts playing in the grocery store, I don’t have to be worried that Chris Martin is lurking around the spice aisle with a napkin tucked into the collar of his shirt and licking his chops.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s former hourly organic porpoise facial oil spritzer appeared on Radio 2 to promote what will surely be Prince William’s favorite new album, Ghost Stories. Chris Martin confessed that after Gwyneth demanded he hand over his set of keys to the servant’s backdoor entrance to Castle Goopskull in exchange for the return of his balls, one of the life changes he made was to ditch his vegetarian diet:
“I am not really vegetarian. I eat meat. I was vegetarian for a long time but, for various reasons, I changed. I’d only eat something that I think I could kill. I’d kill a fish. Not a giraffe.”
“For various reasons” – ie. He was sick of sucking on raw strips of coconut bark and imported galangal roots for however many years he was married to The Water Whisperer and he would have cut off his own beautiful angel curls (his source of basic boy bitch power) for a stale Wendy’s JBC.
And I hope Gwyneth doesn’t share the same philosophy as Chris, otherwise every animal on the planet is totally fucked. Do you know how little it would take for Gwyneth to smug us to death? No hunting rifles, no crossbows; just a GOOP.com article about exclusive $1900 apres-bath sheets hand-woven from French cumulus clouds served with an extra-large side of insufferable delusion and self-worth, and it would be like the comet that wiped out the dinosaurs.
Chris Martin better set aside an extra hour in his busy schedule of dancing freely in the streets and joyfully riding a shopping cart down the Pop Tarts aisle of the grocery store, because he’s going to need to dedicate some time to listening to the dozens of angry voicemails left by Gwyneth Paltrow after he went off script during an interview with BBC Radio 1 by blaming himself for the conscious uncoupling of the Goop-Martins. Oh shit, you dun goofed Chris Martin! It was nobody’s fault, remember?? It because of science and evolving at a higher level and being super enlightened. Stick to the script Coldplay!
“I wouldn’t use the word breakdown. This was more a realization about trying to grow up basically… if you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.”
“About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this — I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.”
That first quote sounds like the Chris Martin version of a Goop statement, and it’s too early for me to comprehend that shit (“appreciate the wonder”??) but I think I understand what he’s saying in that second quote. Two years ago he was a mess because he wasn’t allowed to enjoy things like Cheetos and ice cream and scratching his balls on the sofa while falling asleep to House Hunters. And he’s got nobody to blame but himself, because it’s not like Gwyneth was holding a Damien Hirst diamond-covered gun to his head, forcing him to drink organic chia seed and kohlrabi smoothies (she was too busy giving herself a giant raises and interest-free loans). So now it’s time for him to start making some changes.
And it looks like one of the first changes in his How Coldplay Got His Groove Back life journey is that he’s started doing fun stuff again (“I’m sorry, watching me reenact my Oscar speech isn’t fun?” – Goopy). Here’s Chris leaving Posh Spice’s 40th birthday party in London, and of course he’s smiling, because how could you not after slamming shots with Ginger and Sporty?
Goopy Paltrow does everything better than everybody else. Goopy’s marriage was better than your marriage. Goopy’s shits are better than your shits. So of course her divorce is going to be better than everybody else’s divorce. After Goopy shoved a flax seed and dolphin amniotic fluid enema up her life’s b-hole and flushed out Chris Martin, she posted some crap on Goop from “experts” who think that divorce happens so often nowadays because we live longer and we’re not meant to be with one person for more than 10 years. Goopy got a divorce, because she’s just really evolved and way more evolved than all of us. Some source tells Radar that Goopy keeps bragging about how perfect her divorce is and all her friends are over it, which is surprising to me since most of her friends seem about as pretentious as she is (see: this pic).
“’Conscious uncoupling’ has become a joke among Gwyneth’s friend. All she’s doing is bragging about how peaceful her divorce is and how she and Chris planned it so perfectly that it is hardly disrupting their lives. Gwyneth has always thought she had the most perfect life and even though she’s getting a divorce and both of them are getting bad press she doesn’t care. She has become insufferable saying how happy she is with the way everything is evolving.”
Let me fix that for you, source: “She’s ALWAYS been insufferable.” There, that’s better.
Of course their break up hasn’t disrupted their lives. Before they publicly broke up, they were probably sleeping in different mansions and passing their fuck parts to different tricks and the only time they’d see each other’s faces was for a scheduled “we’re still together” public appearance. Not much has changed. The only thing that has really changed is that Chris Martin can now go to In-N-Out in his own car and he doesn’t have to wear a disguise. That’s probably why things are going so smoothly. Let a bitch have a Double Double and he’ll give you anything you want including custody of Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Since it was a Tuesday afternoon when Goopy Paltrow announced that she shoved an enema up her marriage’s b-hole and cleansed herself of Chris Martin, the tabloids didn’t have enough time to report about their conscious uncoupling in last week’s issue. So this week, Goopy and Chris’ faces will be all over the magazines at the supermarket checkout line and looking at them will remind you that you forgot to pick up some laxatives and fishsticks.
People, who usually has both of their lips on Goopy’s solid gold-leafed asshole, says that during their 10 years of marriage, they sometimes kept it open and he’d hump on his side pieces (like Kate Bosworth, etc…) while she humped on her own side pieces (like Jeffrey Soffer, etc..). The HARDEST WORKING MOM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD said in her bullshit statement that her and the King of Waiting Room Music were having problems for about a year, but People says that for years their marriage has been a mess.
Several friends tell PEOPLE that the pair, who were married for 10 years, at times had an “open” relationship. “They were physically separated and emotionally,” says a Paltrow insider. Adds a close friend of the 41-year-old actress: “They have been on and off for many years. The marriage was falling apart.”
UsWeekly basically echoed what People said and they added that Goopy didn’t care that Chris put his mouth on other hos, but she did care that he put his mouth on Ronald McDonald’s parts. They always fought about her strict diet.
When that Alexa Chung rumor came out, one of my friends said that Goopy’s publicist was going to leak “an open marriage” story to let it be known that she okay’d Chris Martin’s wandering peen and nobody cheats on the Goop! Whatever, I really thought the tabloids would burp up the good shit this week. Open marriage shit and fights about diet?! That’s it? Where are the grainy, green stills from Chris Martin’s sex tape with three Monster Tacos from Jack In The Box?! Where is the story from The National Enquirer on how Goopy controlled all the money, because she knew he’d spend it on carbs and cheap meat, so Chris had to get his fix by selling his ass for a cheeseburger with bacon. Where are those stories?
The day that HARDEST WORKING SINGLE MOTHER IN THE WORLD Goopy Paltrow announced that she and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled (which is the phrase I’m going to use to describe the act of my hand falling off of my crotch after falling asleep while fapping) Lainey hinted about he and Alexa Chung possibly being a thing. Now The Daily Mail is running with it and they’re saying that while Chris was having marriage problems, he hung out with the dehydrated piece of bland Jicama. Chris certainly has a type. The skinnier and more annoying the better. Bitch probably gets hard when he gets a splinter.
The Daily Mail says that last June, Chris and Alexa Chung hung out at the Glastonbury Musical Festival and had milkshakes together at 4 in the morning at a place called the Shaken Udder (which is the unsexiest way to describe Salma Hayek shaking her chichis). The employee who served Chris and Alexa milk from the Shaken Udder gave The Daily Mail the riveting details of their leche date:
“They turned up together at around 3 or 4am and came over to where I was working at Shaken Udder and said to me and my friend ‘what do you recommend?’ They looked like they were just chilling and having a good time. I did find it a little odd that they were together – but we had a little chat and they wandered off after they asked us if we knew of any good places to go and have a few drinks. hey were having a laugh together, but it didn’t seem that anything was going on.”
Chris Martin is about as cool and edgy as a double pleat on a pair of khaki Dockers, so I don’t know if it’s he’s cool or edgy enough for Alexa’s ass. I don’t know if I’m totally buying them being together, but I totally believe that Goopy flipped out over their milkshake date. No, she didn’t care that he was with Alexa. Goopy couldn’t believe that Chris would drink dairy and sugar in public! How trashy! How gauche! Goopy doesn’t care that Chris puts his mouth on his whores, dairy and sugar, behind closed doors, but to do it in public is pouring generic brand table salt on her wounds. Now all of Goopy’s friends know that he cheated on the macrobiotic, all-organic diet she spent weeks creating with two cheap sluts like cow milk and white sugar. The cheap, 2 cent straw that Chris Martin used to drink his side pieces with was the FINAL straw.
There you have it! The case of the Castle Goopskull-wrecking hussy is closed! You can go ahead and let all the billionaires you contacted know that they no longer need to come in and let you smell their dicks for imported organic lube and snobby pussy juices. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) the reason that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are unconsciously crappening or whatever isn’t because Gwyneth couldn’t stop bumping her bony butt on random rich dudes, or because Chris Martin got a blow job from a woman who’s mouth didn’t reek of rancid coconut oil and he swore he’d never go back. No! It’s because Chris was pissed that Katie Paltrow was feeding their kids a steady diet of Kabbalah and Kale (don’t tell me Gwyneth and Madonna never tried to start a Salt-n-Pepa-style rap duo called Kabbalah-n-Kale).
Coldplay singer Chris Martin struggled to deal with various aspects of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle which is believed to have led to their split. It’s thought Chris, who was pictured lavishing his children with attention and even buying them ice cream on numerous of occasions, found the actress’ diet and rules both constricting and hard on the children.
A source told The Sun: ‘He wanted the family to watch DVDs and TV – and also wanted them to eat treats every now and then.’
NO DVDs?!?! Ugh, why does this not surprise me? Gwyneth is definitely the type to make her kids watch experimental 1960s French short films projected onto an 800-thread count Egyptian cotton bed sheet in the backyard. And instead of popcorn, they feast on bullshit and the feeling of superiority.
But it’s always that nasty ho kale’s fault. Kale broke up two of my relationships! The first was with a dude who had to ruin any and all foodstuffs by putting that bitter green shit in everything (YES EVEN ON PIZZA). And the second was with my relationship with Ruffles. I fell into the same trap everyone did two years ago when you tried to switch out regular delicious potato chips for kale chips. Of course I realized I’d made a terrible mistake the second that awful kale chip touched my tongue. Thankfully, Ruffles is a down-for-life bitch, and she took my two-timing ass back.
Reading the heave-worthy title of Goopy Paltrow’s break-up statement was like hearing my cousin pronounce chardonnay as “churr-doo-nay.” I cackled even though I had no idea what she was saying.
Goopy is always trying to out-GOOP herself, so while us regulars let the online world know we’re single by changing our FB status to, “on the prowl for hard dick again,” she posted a 2,000 word piece from some fancy doctors about”conscious uncoupling.” Bitch hasn’t even filed for divorce yet and she’s already an expert on it all. So as Chris Martin celebrated his separation by eating an Arby’s roast beef with horsey sauce off of a hooker’s crotch while another hooker fucked him in the butt with a Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap from McDonald’s, Professor Pretentioussia McStickUpperAss asked Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to write a piece about “conscious uncoupling” for Goop. Here’s just a sliver of that WTF pie:
To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone. In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment. This is probably the reason why so many people say their long-term relationships changed overnight, once they got married. The people didn’t change, but the expectation did.
To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them. Everyone enters into a marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It’s important to remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn’t mean they’re happy or that the relationship is fulfilling. To that end, living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce.
In order for those two paragraphs to make complete sense to me, I’m gonna need Neil deGrasse Tyson to explain it to me while I’m stoned into another dimension. That shit makes marriage sound like a pair of single-use contact lenses. (“Wait, it isn’t?” - Kim Kartrashian)
But I get it. It’s not Goopy’s fault her marriage ended, it’s just science. When everybody else divorces, they’re fat failures and their marriage ended because they ate too many carbs. When Goopy gets divorced, it isn’t because she and Chris just wanted to freely and openly put their mouths on other people’s fuck parts, it’s because she’s just really, really evolved.
In short: “Conscious uncoupling” is GOOP talk for “My divorce is better than YOUR divorce.”