If there’s one thing that MIGHT give Leonardo DiCaprio the tingles more than humping on a fresh crop of under 25-year-old models, it’s trying to save the environment while riding in a private jet or whatever. I already knew Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were friends with Leo because I’m mental and “read” her first cookbook (aka looked at the pictures and snickered at a few ludicrous recipes) and saw how she claims he’s the reason for them not really eating red meat for environmental reasons. Well, “consciously uncoupled” Chris must still be platonic boos with Leo because Coldplay performed at the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation’s 20thanniversary gala on Saturday, and Chris used that as a moment to discuss how Leo is also out to save a species the fashion world would love to see go extinct – no, not Dress Barn. Cargo shorts!
Lily Allen’s new memoir, My Thoughts Exactly, goes on sale next week and it’s got the celebrity substance abuse sadness stories that are really the only reason to write a memoir. No one cares what elementary school you went to, but they do want to read about the time you were giving Orlando Bloom a lap dance at Kate Hudson’s 2014 Halloween party in L.A. and knocked yourself out cold after accidentally head-butting him. Yep, Lily did that. The Sun got a hold of an advance copy of Lily’s book and wrote about the time that she was in such bad shape that the consciously uncoupled Paltrow-Martins had to take her under their assuredly rare and overpriced wing.
In case people were still wondering just how serious the relationship between Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin is, we finally have an answer. Chris and Dakota are matching infinity symbol tattoos serious. Which is pretty serious. Infinity is a really long time, just ask Thanos! According to The Daily Mail, the pair have each been spotted “sporting the exact same infinity symbol inking, intertwined with two X’s”, which, how basic can you get? You’d think if you were as wealthy as these two and had access to the best culture, arts, and literature the world has to offer, they could come up with something a little more original.
Apple and Moses must be looking at each other uncomfortably, and wishing their mom wasn’t so extra. Caffeine-assed actress Gwyneth Paltrow is full on referring to her ex Chris Martin as her “brother” now. 10, 9, 8, 7…to a GOOP post about embracing incest as a healthy and spiritual practice, especially if you do it on a manatee fur sheet glazed with dew from the Himalayas that you can purchase on the site for $9,000.
Last month it was rumored that billionaire Elon Musk was trying to woo Dakota Johnson. A few weeks after that, Dakota Johnson was reportedly hanging around Chris Martin. Elon might want to consider setting his romantic sights on someone else, unless he wants to tangle with one of Chris Martin’s many scarves to get to Dakota. Because according to UsWeekly, Dakota and Chris are “definitely dating” now.
If the rumors are true, then Gwyneth Paltrow might have an engagement ring (or “fidelity intention totem” as she calls it) on her finger from her boyfriend Brad Falchuk. And just to prove that Gwyneth Paltrow does both divorce and second marriages better than the rest of us, she gathered her ex-husband Chris Martin and her maybe secret fiancé for brunch yesterday.
Gwyneth Instagrammed the above picture yesterday with the caption: “Sunday brunch #modernfamily.” I know Gwyneth wants us to care that Chris Martin is sitting in the general vicinity of Brad Falchuk, but all I’m focused on is why the hell they’re sitting in front of a chalk board. Did Gwyneth treat them to brunch at a GOOP timeshare seminar? Does anyone know if Chris and Brad were treated to a piece of gluten-free tapioca toast smeared with raw coconut oil, but only if they sat through a 90-minute presentation about jade vagina eggs first?
I can’t be a total miser here; it’s nice that Gwyneth’s previous husband doesn’t seem to hate her next one. It’s a bit corny, but it’s miles better than the alternative (just ask Halle Berry). Even if both Chris and Brad look a little uncomfortable. Although Chris is probably all hunched up because his body isn’t used to being without a scarf for so long. He’s attempting to conserve heat before hypothermia sets in.