Once again, the real Martin Lawrence is sitting in his mansion (Big Momma’s House) reading this headline with a confused look on his face and thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember lighting a bunch of candles and eating dinner like I was Harry Potter in the Great Hall or some such whimsical bullshit.”
It appears that the soggy bowl of Kashi Good Friends cereal that is the relationship between humanized nap Chris Martin and sexy fart Jennifer Lawrence is still a thing that is happening (that sound you just heard was Gwyneth Paltrow submerging herself in a hand-carved Italian crystal bath tub and letting out a full-body scream). According to People, Martin Lawrence were spotted having a romantic dinner last week in Los Angeles. A source says Martin Lawrence snuck in the back door of the restaurant and proceeded to sit at a candlelit table for almost two hours. They ordered several plates of food and split a dessert. Ew, really? They split a dessert? That date sounds like my idea of Hell. A looky-loo sitting near Martin Lawrence said:
“They looked happy and just focused on each other. They were smiling, talking and very friendly”
Chris Martin totally strikes me as the type of dude who shows up to a date holding one single cellophane-wrapped red rose, so a candlelit dinner sounds right up his alley. But I didn’t think candles and splitting a slice of cheesecake was rill enough for America’s Kewl Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence. She seems more like a ripping-chicken-wing-farts-while-chugging-a-growler-of-beer type of girl. Next time Chris should do her right and take her to the dirty Dave & Busters (there’s always a “dirty” one). Or maybe he’s saving D&B for something special, like the night he proposes. “Darling, before you dig into your Mountain O’ Nachos, I believe you might want to take a look inside that pile of guacamole…“
Once again, somewhere in a giant mansion in Beverly Hills (mansion name: Big Momma’s House) , the real Martin Lawrence is thinking “Daaaaamn Gina, I don’t remember being two blonde people eating sushi.” So, the last time we checked in on the comings and goings of human scarf Chris Martin and the pizza fart queen Jennifer Lawrence’s horny down-lows, they were still rubbing against each other after it was rumoured that they had stopped. Then things went quiet and we didn’t hear much about them again, until yesterday when a picture of Martin Lawrence at a sushi restaurant in Studio City on Tuesday night surfaced on Tumblr (via People). According to People, a source (ie. a talking piece of yellowfin tuna) describes their dinner experience as the following:
“They were engulfed in their little world of conversation. They were into each other and not noticing anyone else around them. [Martin Lawrence] seemed to be just content with each other. He was really listening to what she was saying.”
Well, I should hope so – imagine if he’d invited her out for spicy salmon rolls and spent the whole night texting Gwyneth Paltrow? RUDE! Sushi dates are special and should be treated as such. No word on whether or not they also spent New Years Eve together, but I’m sure if they did, it was equally as thrilling.
Or maybe they’re not even on a date? Maybe JLaw was there alone trying to enjoy a plate of sushi pizza in peace, when the come-to-life throw blanket spotted her from across the restaurant, invited himself over, and started helping himself to whatever was on her plate. He seems like the type.
Shocking, I know: an insufferable snob like Gwyneth Paltrow is an insufferable snob in all aspects of her life, including her own mother. “Ew, we don’t like to use the word mother – it’s just so pedestrian. She’s my biological birth being. Correct yourself, you uncultured skank.” And if you can believe it, it’s actually so much more goopy than that.
According to Page Six, Gwyneth was hanging out in the Hamptons with her ex-husband Chris Martin at a spa. Sleepy McScarf was paying for a one-hour massage for The Corn Broom while she texted away on her exclusive communication instrument (Gwyneth doesn’t use a cellphone like the unwashed masses). A source claims that Chris asked Gwyneth who she was talking to, and she responded: “Blythe Danner“. BLYTHE DANNER??? That bitch name-dropped her own mother! The only way she could have gotten any goopier would be if she had replied: “Blythe Danner, mother of Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow“.
Or maybe she responded with “Blythe Danner” because she was mad at Chris Martin and wasn’t in the mood for lighthearted colloquialisms like “mom“. The source says he bought her a massage, but it doesn’t say what kind of massage. I bet she was still pissed off that when she laid down on the massage table, someone started rubbing her back with their hands. “Human hands? Excuse me? Blythe Danner’s daughter would NEVER! Did you run out of imported young tiger paws or something?“
Sounds like the come-to-life corn broom isn’t exactly…brushing off…news about her ex (insert Horatio Caine sunglasses gif). According to In Touch, Gwyneth Paltrow got all kinds of ragey recently when she heard that her sneaky sabotage hadn’t worked and Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were still humping on each other. It all started on Halloween, when Goopy was on her way to a photo shoot. Apparently she had heard that JLaw was at The House of Scarves (aka Chris’ home in Malibu) a few days earlier, and it was pissing her off more than the time her assistant accidentally pressed her kale in the $3,739 silver juicer instead of the $4,739 gold juicer.
A source claims that’s when Goopy broke her one-ciggy-a-month rule and started chain smoking right there in the car, followed by asking the driver to pull over so she could get a drink. The source goes on to say:
“She was a mess. She never smokes or drinks like that, so everyone knew something was up.”
The source also says she was “frantically” texting Chris Martin the whole time. I call bullshit on that one – Gwyneth would NEVER do something as unsophisticated and common as texting. Fingers were meant for dipping into $2,031 jars of imported hand-gathered beluga caviar, not tapping poo emojis into a phone. Ew, what’s next? SKYPE?!?!
Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner. And unless she wants to end up on A&E’s Snobby Unsalted Cracker Intervention, she needs to find a way to avoid anything that reminds her of JLaw! From now on, no burping, no farting, and for goop sakes, change the name of the outdoor pizza oven at Castle Goopskull to the al fresco flatbread hearth! No more pizza! Pizza is a trigger!
Remember when both E! and People said that Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were done bumping fuck parts and she no longer has to gently pat his clammy bare back as he has a post-sex cry on top of her? Then remember the stories about how Goopy Paltrow is the one that killed Martin Lawrence? Well, either People and E! were wrong and Martin Lawrence never stopped boning or they stopped for a second and started up again. You better hope it’s the latter, because if it turns out the publicist-fed People lied to us, we won’t be able to trust anyone everyone again. If you can’t trust People, E! and the tabloids, who can you really trust?
People is saying today that Chris Martin and JLaw are still licking on each other’s genitals. People’s source (who just so happens to be the tia of a drug dealer who sold an 8-ball to a bikini waxer whose hairstylist’s brother-in-law once went out on a Tindr date with a waitress who served a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity breakfast to a girl whose credit card had the name “Jenifer Laurence” on it) says that they’re still seeing each other.
“They’re very much together. He’s very much into her and they’re still seeing each other.”
Some other source said that JLaw doesn’t give ten queefs what Goopy thinks about her relationship with Chris. That source also says that Chris is living in Malibu right now, so JLaw has to drive a total of 90 minutes to see him. Because of L.A. traffic, that means that JLaw lives about 10 blocks away.
Will People figure it out and get back to Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, because she needs to know if they’re together or not. If they are, she needs to put a barf bucket on every place setting at her Christmas dinner table. Memaw’s guests will need something to heave into when JLaw practically orgasms after Chris lets out a ham and Frito pie-induced fart.
Goopy Paltrow was the host of last night’s amfAR Inspiration Gala aka the LOOK AT MY TITS EVENT (or in Goopy’s case, LOOK AT MY CHEST BONES EVENT), which means that guests gobbled up a delicious and filling spread of dehydrated organic dragon fruit seeds, laxative-tinis and Jennifer Lawrence’s double filtered tears. Dozens of guests are currently being treated at Cedars-Sinai for the coma they fell into after overdosing on lethal loads of meh and smugness and that could mean only two things: Chris Martin performed and Goopy introduced him!
While looking like an un-breaded, greasy fishstick in costume as a Robert Palmer girl, Goopy introduced the master of doctor waiting room music with this dose of eye roll fuel:
“This brilliant singer-songwriter has sold 8 million records, has won every single award that there is to be won, especially Father of the Year, which he has won consecutively since 2004. I am speaking of Chris Martin and the incredibly talented Jonny Buckland, who together make up one-half of the legendary band Coldplay.”
Yeah, I’m sure he wasn’t a ten-time Father of the Year a couple of weeks ago when he was threatening to expose their children to something worse then all the diseases in the world, CARBS, by constantly hanging around human carb monster Jennifer Lawrence. I haven’t seen video of Goopy’s intro, but I’m sure she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Haha, Jennifer Lawrence, the air kisses that blow out of Chris Martin’s anus hole belong to me again!”
I’m sure these two will be consciously coupled again by New Year’s. Or until Goopy completely disinfects Chris Martin’s peen of all the canned cheese he used as lube when boning JLaw.
If that isn’t the face of a calculating come-to-life corn broom saboteur, then I don’t know what is. Here, let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Ahhhh! I can practically feel her eyes penetrating my soul and tricking me into buying $2,600 imported sea urchin venom eye cream!
But back to what’s really important here. According to Radar, the 10-week-old love between Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin that recently floated away on a fart cloud might have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hand-pressed organic almond milk stink all over it. Even though Chill Girl Gwynnie claimed to be happy that her ex had moved on and was trying to get all Goopsterhood of the Traveling Size 0 Pants with JLaw, a source claims that behind the closed doors of Castle Goopskull, that crafty corn broom was doing everything in her power to DESTROY THEM. And who did she recruit to help take down Martin Lawrence? The Gooplets!
I was going to title this shit “RIP Martin Lawrence,” but it’s Monday and nothing would be crueler than making you think that there will never ever be a Sheneneh movie.
E! News and People both say that Jennifer Lawrence’s nipples are no longer getting hard as she inhales the bland scent of Chris Martin’s ass burps, because they have broken up. Martin Lawrence first became a thing this summer and they were never really photographed together together, but they did end up in the same picture in September. I know, your soul is probably still raw and bloody from being rocked by that breaking news. Now they’re over for whatever reason. People and E! News didn’t say. Maybe one of Jennifer Lawrence’s friends knocked her out of the waking coma she was in by hitting her over the head with her middle finger umbrella and she realized that fucking Goopy Paltrow’s leftovers is no way to go through life.
I don’t even know if they were actually ever together. If a bear shits in the woods and nobody smells it, did that bear really shit in the woods? If Kim Kardashian gets married and 200 cameras aren’t there to document every whorey detail, did Kim Kardashian really get married? If Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin never posed together in a staged photo-op, were they ever a couple? Was this a failed PR stunt or just one of those “get stoned and bone two times” situations or did we all just make it up?
Anyway, since JLaw is really into British dudes who look like they cry after cumming, I’m guessing she’ll start dating either Benedict Cumberbatch or Prince Charles next. Since Chris Martin is really into blonde Oscar winners, I’m guessing he’ll start humping on Zero Dark Thirty’s gorgeous sound editor.
And once Goopy Paltrow finishes gooping out of her goop holes while cackling over this news, she should get back with Chris Martin, because they really are a match made in insufferable cunt heaven. Why fight it?
Tracy Anderson, the little hard-bodied come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet that could, continued to be either the worst friend ever or the best internet troll alive when she posted an Instagram video of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the Sassy Corn Broom Shuffle in one of her rich lady jazzercise classes yesterday. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen Gwyneth awkwardly busting a goopy move with Tracy Anderson, but it’s definitely my favorite, because she sort of looks like the drunk chick at Dave & Buster’s who won’t get off the Dance Dance Revolution machine (there’s always a drunk mess hogging the DDR machine). She’s kick-ball-changing like the rent on her self-knitting organic backyard cashmere goat herd is due!
And it goes without saying, but if Gwyneth wants to learn how to really drop it like it’s hot, she should swap out Tracy Anderson for the Drunk Lord of the Dance herself, Laura Jeanne Poon.
I really love how Gwyneth puts her acting skills to good use by pretending to be surprised that someone was filming her dancing. Oh Gwyneth, you transparent trick! You’re dancing in your bra with your 6-pack coconut water abs out. The only thing more obvious would be if she were dancing to “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls while Tracy held up a cardboard cut-out of Chris Martin for her to grind her bony butt against. “I’m still the hottest, right? RIGHT?!?”
Speaking of Goop and The Human Scarf, The Daily Mail seems to think there’s still some organic triple-filtered alkalinized romance water still flowing between them (ew). On Wednesday night, Goop and Coop took the Gooplets out for dinner, and Gwyneth was spotted touching Chris’s face before she headed back to Castle Goopskull in her car. TOUCHING??? FACE??? Sluuuuts. Come on Daily Mail, you should know better. Face touching isn’t love; that’s just some casual hit-it-and-quit-it action. Get it goopy! Touch that gentle face!
There goes my dream of Jennifer Lawrence going to Goopy Paltrow’s house for Christmas and bringing a conscious coupling chocolate pie with her.
Jennifer Lawrence can’t tell her grandma anything anymore, because memaw goes and spills it into the ear of a British reporter. A reporter from The Sun (via The Daily Mail) called up Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, Carolyn Koch, and after Memaw Carol asked the reporter if they know Angela Lansbury, because she just LOVES Murder, She Wrote, they got to talking about whatever (examples: Memaw Carol’s cheddar and apple pie recipe, that gossiping biddy Bernice who lives down the street, etc…) and then one thing led to her talking about Chris Martin. Memaw Carol told The Sun that her daughter went to meet Chris Martin in L.A. and they’re planning to have him over for Christmas. Memaw Carol allegedly said this to The Sun (Note: Either Memaw Carol has been watching a lot of Downton Abbey or The Sun changed “mother” to “mum“):
“Jennifer’s mum flew to Los Angeles to meet Chris. We will have to get another chair for the dinner table at Christmas. The family is getting so big we might have to split up for gatherings.”
At that point, Jennifer’s grandpa, Colin Koch, picked up the phone because he just got their electric bill and it was CRAZY high. He was planning to call the electric company and give them a piece of his goddamn mind. Are they fixing the meters? He saw that on the news. They better lower the bill or he’s going to call 7 On Your Side. But when he got on the phone, he heard his wife talking to that British reporter and then HE spilled some stuff about Jennifer Lawrence too:
“Jennifer doesn’t like the hype. She looks like she really enjoys doing TV interviews but she’s just a great actress. She hasn’t changed one bit – she is so humble and down to earth.”
Thanks memaw and pepaw! Now everyone knows that Chris Martin is going to be with JLaw’s family on Christmas. But you know, Memaw Carol doesn’t have to worry about getting an extra chair. This is the first Christmas where Chris Martin won’t be served wet organic almonds on a bed of alfalfa sprouts. So he’s going to squat at the end of the table, open his mouth hole wide and pull at the tablecloth until all of that delicious, fatty food is in his belly.
Here’s JLaw at the screening of Serena at the BFI London Film Festival last night.
Pics: AP, Getty