It’s time to pop a bottle of sparkling alkalinized nettle essence and celebrate, for the end of an era is upon us. More than two years after they announced they were splitting up in what is now the gold standard for pretentious celebrity separation announcements, and a little over one year since she filed for divorce, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are absolutely, 100% officially uncoupled. People says they came to a settlement agreement back in May, and it was finally entered into a Los Angeles County courthouse yesterday.
According to their divorce settlement, Gwyneth and Chris agreed on sharing custody of their kids and worked out property stuff. Neither Chris nor Gwyneth asked for spousal support, which makes sense, since we all know Gwyneth is a self-made millionaire who doesn’t know what it’s like to take a hand-out.
I do wonder how Gwyenth and Chris will celebrate their divorce. And I’m sure they will. Gwyneth’s whole thing is about how she and Chris are practically The Brady’s long-lost Upper East Side siblings who get along better than most married couples. The celebrated one year of conscious uncoupling with a trip to Mexico. Obviously Goop’s first divorce requires something more significant than a simple trip across the border to prove she’s still the best of besties with her ex. They need a place that even the strongest couples would snap under the pressure. My guess is that she and Chris will fly to Sweden and rent out an entire IKEA store and live there for a week. “Look at us! We haven’t fought once! Can you even – CHRIS, get that disgusting meatball out of my face. You know I’m only drinking canned pear cider and crab paste this week.”
Here’s a freshly divorced Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday in Toronto promoting her fancy makeup and beauty line.
You know the saying “you are what you eat”? Yes. You do. You also know that whole thing about hang around trash too long and you’ll start stinking? Yeah. That too. Well, there’s a reason sayings become sayings, cliches becomes cliches and the DListed writers drink. Because they’re true! We can all check another thing off on that list of “duh” and “wow I’m so surprised” – Chris Martin. He’s consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow but it seems that he hasn’t consciously uncoupled from her antics, approach to life and how to act like a normal human… who happens to have all the money in the world and “enjoys” things like macrobiotic meals and organic bird foot facials.
Page Six is reporting that while Coldplay – the band that is the answer to every white man’s favorite band section on Match.com – were performing on Today earlier in the week, Chris got treated like a precious dew drop while his bandmates were treated like buckets of mop water. It was pissing down rain while they “entertained” a crowd of people that are clearly fucking insane for waking up that early to see Coldplay. After their set was done, handlers and assistants ran to La Preciosa Diamante Muy Delicata, Chris, with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and those blankets runners get after a marathon and blowdryers and a mink burpy cloth and a chaise lounge, but the other members of the band got jack shit. They didn’t even get a Shamwow thrown at them by a sleazy producer saying “wipe ya self off kid, ya look like a slut“.
A rep for the band responded by saying that “this is absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining. Pouring, actually, freezing-cold rain.” And except that he forgot there were other people in Coldplay, right? I did. I thought it was just Chris Martin and some time out dolls he dresses up in hemp t-shirts with vaguely *spiritual* symbols on them. The band apparently stayed after the show to hang out with member of the Vehicular Manslaughter Club, former first lady Laura Bush (other members include Brandy Norwood, Rebecca Gayheart and Caitlyn Jenner). I don’t know what’s less believable – that Coldplay’s handlers give a shit about any of the other band members or that the band hung out with Laura Bush.
Because the picture above looks like a page from Where’s Waldo? that’s been filtered through painkillers and waxed paper, allow me to explain what we’re looking at. In the purple t-shirt in the bottom center we have Chris Martin. Surrounding him is the rest of Coldplay. And in the middle of the table is Oli Sykes, the leader singer of a band called Bring Me the Horizon, who thought a good way to get some attention would be to climb up on Coldplay’s table during the NME Awards in London last night. Oli got up there and tore it up harder than Gwyneth Paltrow’s colon after an all-kale juice cleanse.
According to the Daily Mail, Oli Sykes (or as he’s no doubt known by the people at the linen rental company who have to clean the shoe prints out of that tablecloth, Oli Sucks) had people wondering what kind of drugs they serve backstage at the NME Awards when he trashed Coldplay’s table during his band’s performance. As you can see in the video below, not so soon after he got up, that table started a-rockin’ and Oli made the smart decision to hop off.
TMZ seems to think that Sykes threw a tabletop tantrum because the art for Coldplay’s latest album, A Head Full of Dreams, looks sort of like the art from their 2013 album, Sempiternal. They accused Coldplay of copying them back in November. However, Sykes claims that had nothing to do with it, and that he was just angry over “sound problems.”
It doesn’t take a detective to know that Oli is a table-stomping liar. You’ve got to really hate someone with all your heart to climb up on their table and smash all their alcohol. What makes it even worse is that Coldplay had to then sit through the rest of some third-tier banquet hall-looking award show with no booze. That’s some evil revenge, Oli.
The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrow “weird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.
During a recent interview with Glamour to remind everyone that you’re still a poor (no, it was to promote her new organic makeup line), humanoid lavash cracker Gwyneth Paltrow was asked how the conscious uncoupling situation is going with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. Obviously things between Goopy and The Scarf are great, because Goopy doesn’t do shitty awkward divorces. Apparently things are so super great between Gwyneth and her ex-husband, their relationship status has ascended from exes to siblings.
“We spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother.”
Somewhere in a house without platinum-plated bidets that spray caviar-filtered spring water into your poo hole, Gwyneth Paltrow’s real brother is like “Hold on…am I being replaced? This is totally because I brought store-bought stuffing to Thanksgiving dinner, isn’t it?” (“Yes, it is, you disgusting monster” replied Gwyneth).
Gwyneth also humblebragged that she wrote a couple lyrics for and sang back-up on the latest Coldplay album. I don’t care if you’re religious or not, now is the time you get on your knees and pray that Chris Martin does his sister a favor and lets Goopy sing backup for Coldplay during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. There’s nothing I want more than to see Gwyneth bust out her signature uptight white girl dance moves.
And in case you want to see what a person who went 3 hours without an organic pressed juice looks like, here’s an over-it Gwyneth hauling ass through the airport with Brad Falchuk last week.
Just in case you missed it, Beyonce and Coldplay dropped a new music video yesterday. So before we start, quick question: When you think about India what comes to your mind? Whatever it is, after today, it will surely change. Now, once you think about India, you’ll think about Beyonce wearing traditional Desi garb, henna tattoos and the weave from a Hindu temple dyed blonde.
Why? Because “Hymn for the Weekend,” off of Coldplay’s new album, “A Head Full of Dreams,” is filled with so many Indian cliches you’ll be amazed that Amandla Stenberg hasn’t produced an angry rant video about it.
Filmed mostly on location in Mumbai, India (the Beyonce parts obviously weren’t) by director Ben Mor, the video comes a week before Beyonce and Chris Martin, along with that band he’s in, are set to perform during the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show on February 7. Throughout the video, Our Modern Day Virgin Mary follows Chris like a stubborn STD that just won’t go away even when he’s trying to do as the locals and get into Holi. She’s on a billboard, she’s on a movie screen, she’s EVERYWHERE.
As the New York Daily News points out, some people on Twitter accused them of cultural appropriation:
“Are we gonna discuss how Beyonce dressing up as an Indian woman for the Coldplay video is cultural appropriation, or no?”
“Beyonce’s appropriation was unnecessary imo. If it was someone white it would’ve been [racist]. I think there’s a difference.”
On the other side, some fans don’t necessarily view it as cultural appropriation but more-so appreciation.
“Beyonce did nothing wrong…y’all really gotta learn the difference between appreciation and appropriation”
If Beyonce really wanted to showcase her love of Indian culture she should have taken notes from her husband, Jay-Z and call Panjabi MC to do a track with him. Somewhere in Mumbai, a discotheque is still listening to “Beware of the Boys” and it’s 2016, honey. Hell, I still listen to “Beware of the Boys.”
When Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow “consciously uncoupled” I joked that he probably immediately ran to Arby’s where he paid two employees to stretch out his mouth hole with their hands as another employee shoved delicious horsey-sauce covered beef ‘n cheddar sliders down his throat. I thought that when Chris and Goopy broke up, he also broke up with eating like a snobby bird. But nope, Chris Martin is Goopy with a dick.
And now you know what Chris Martin’s face looked like as he lived out his wet dream fantasy by furiously fucking a Whopper minutes after his marriage to Goopy Paltrow ended.
Sadly, Left Shark isn’t headlining its own Super Bowl Halftime Show next year. Nearly every website on earth says that Coldplay is headlining the Halftime Show on February 7, 2016 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA. That decision makes sense. Pepsi is sponsoring the Halftime Show again, and they know that when you fall into a coma while watching Chris Martin warble out songs, you’ll need to wake yourself up by injecting gallons of their stuff into your veins. Pepsi, I know your game!
Coldplay’s new album comes out tomorrow and Beyonce, Noel Gallagher, Tove Lo and even Goopy Paltrow sing on it. So any of them could join Coldplay on stage. UsWeekly says that Bruno Mars, who did the Halftime Show in 2014, is going to be involved somehow.
While I am looking forward to seeing Goopy Paltrow fill with rage as Chris Martin steps out of a giant replica of Jennifer Lawrence’s pussy before singing that song he wrote about boning her, the Super Bowl people should’ve done something extra special. I mean, it is the 50th Super Bowl. They should’ve brought back the greatest Halftime Show performers in history: Up With People!
While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.
So it looks like Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence aren’t exactly as done with each other as we thought. After supposedly calling it quits for the 1,407th time, People says that JLaw and The Melancholy Scarf reunited in New York City for Independence Day and spent a romantic weekend together. Damn, again with these two? This is getting to be some Groundhog Day Dick nonsense.
A source says that Martin Lawrence were spotted strolling around Central Park on Friday, and it didn’t appear to be the kind of walk that would lead to JLaw’s apartment so she could give him a cardboard box full of his crap that he left there.
“They were walking arm-in-arm, in a hurry it seemed. It looked like they were dressed for date night.”
Just because they were all gussied up doesn’t mean they were dressed up for date night. JLaw and Chris Martin are rich. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they wear $2,000 worth of couture while picking up condoms and Doritos at CVS. But “date night” wasn’t the only time Martin Lawrence was spotted this weekend.
Just saw Jennifer Lawrence and the dude from Coldplay riding their bikes lol!
— Chef Bol (@Nick_Bun) July 4, 2015
“The dude from Coldplay.” Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion just turned to their significant others and swore it wasn’t them. I’m sure one of them doesn’t believe it and is suspiciously smelling his dick for pizza at this very moment (pizza works like pineapples, right?).
JLaw really did the Fourth of July dirty. Independence Day is America’s freedom from England, and this is how she celebrates? By surrendering her coochie to Chris Martin again? She could have at least waited a couple days and given her katniss a full weekend of freedom. It’s what Uncle Sam would have wanted.