Category: Chris Martin

Dakota Johnson Spent Thanksgiving With Chris Martin And Gwyneth Paltrow

November 26, 2018 / Posted by:

I don’t know for sure that Thanksgiving with Gwyneth Paltrow involves a wine that goes well with boiled kale stems (although I’m sure that’s totally on the table), but thanks to People, we know that it allegedly involved dinner with her new husband, as well as her ex-husband and his girlfriend. Sources say that Gwyneth, Brad Falchuk, Chris Martin, and Dakota Johnson, as well as Gywneth and Chris’ kids, Apple and Moses, all joined together for Thanksgiving dinner this year.

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Dakota Johnson Denies She’s Pregnant With Chris Martin’s Baby

October 8, 2018 / Posted by:

Dakota Johnson is probably not carrying a Coldplay fetus in her womb, but now we know what Chris Martin’s face looks like when he busts a raw nut up into someone. Strangely enough, that’s also the face I make when thinking of Chris Martin busting a raw nut up into anyone.

TMZ started the rumor today that 41-year-old wilted piece of celery leaf Chris Martin and 29-year-old dried water chestnut Dakota Johnson made a baby together. Their evidence was a party at Chris’ mansion yesterday. They think it was a gender reveal party because it was decorated with pink and blue balloons. And shortly after Dakota’s dad Don Johnson showed up, the string of blue balloons shot up. So TMZ thinks that was a clear sign that Dakota’s Coldplay fetus has a peen. Dakota and Chris, who have been together for a year, are exactly the kind of people who would have a gender reveal party, but her rep says it was just a party for her birthday.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Talked Conscious Uncoupling And Postpartum Depression On Goop’s 10-Year Anniversary Podcast

September 27, 2018 / Posted by:

The most pretentious woman to ever make you shove a jade egg up your vagina, Gwyneth Paltrow, sat down with her mother Blythe Danner on her Goop podcast to celebrate 10 years in the business of selling overpriced forks. On the podcast, Gwyneth talked about her struggle with postpartum depression, and that whole conscious uncoupling shit that we’ll never be able to escape.

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Chris Martin Says Leonardo DiCaprio Is Saving Trees AND Cargo Shorts

September 17, 2018 / Posted by:

If there’s one thing that MIGHT give Leonardo DiCaprio the tingles more than humping on a fresh crop of under 25-year-old models, it’s trying to save the environment while riding in a private jet or whatever. I already knew Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were friends with Leo because I’m mental and “read” her first cookbook (aka looked at the pictures and snickered at a few ludicrous recipes) and saw how she claims he’s the reason for them not really eating red meat for environmental reasons. Well, “consciously uncoupled” Chris must still be platonic boos with Leo because Coldplay performed at the Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation’s 20thanniversary gala on Saturday, and Chris used that as a moment to discuss how Leo is also out to save a species the fashion world would love to see go extinct – no, not Dress Barn. Cargo shorts!

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