A fresh glimpse of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth is probably the best part of this story. Marvel took a huge infodump (how nicely put) at San Diego Comic-Con this weekend. They debuted the new trailer for Thor: Ragnarok (aka Chris Hemsworth Has A Better Haircut And Remains A Thirst Trap), showed the first image of Brie Larson as Captain Marvel, and announced who would be playing the part of the FIRST Wasp in Ant-Man and the Wasp. It’s kind of a big name. I hope she sings “Cool Rider” in the movie to distract me, because I can only take so much of Paul Rudd’s “I’ll always be funnier than you” smirk. (And if you figured out who the actress in question is because of that song title, we are friends til’ the end.) Continue reading
Yesterday, I posted about Charlie Hunnam and his “considerably high-ranking on the heat index” hotness. Well, apparently I am easily horned up (“no shit, huh?” – Dlisted readers).
Thor (aka Chris Hemsworth) put the following little snippet of sexy on Instagram. Sons of Anarchy rolling asscheeks who? Thor is working out. Thor is working out shirtless. Thor is wiggling ropes in front of himself in a suggestive manner. THOR IS WEARING A DAMN HARNESS AND BACKING HIS ASS UP. I see you, Thor. I know this is supposedly you throwing your trainer an Instagram advertorial bone. But I know the actual bone you’re selling AND I AM BUYING.
The other Mr. Harvey, being a fellow horny trampasaurus, is usually fairly chill about me lusting over other dudes. I think it was the drool collecting on the laptop that earned me the side-eye, and what I think was a later Internet search for what legally separating entails.
Check out Chris Hemsworth working it out below.
Entertainment Weekly released a ton of pictures from Marvel’s newest cinematic nerd Viagra, Thor: Ragamuffinorsomething, and they should’ve put a giant warning on the cover. Because it looks like Thor went down to the nearest Supercuts and got the haircut that every straight guy named Brian or John gets before a job interview. That golden luscious mane is Thor and Thor is that golden luscious mane. Without it he looks like some regular guy wearing a Thor costume from Halloween Town to Comic-Con. Okay, a regular guy with muscles the size of pantyhose stuffed with cantaloupes, but still a regular guy.
I’m no nerd and Thor’s hair is still emotionally upsetting to me. It’s like when Felicity cut her hair. The stocks for brushes and leave-in conditioners plummeted! The only way I’ll be okay with Thor’s basic ass haircut is if we find out that shifty Loki could no longer fight the jealousy he felt over Thor’s gorgeous locks, and one night he cut that mane as Thor slept and made a wig out of it. And Loki better wear that wig throughout the whole damn movie.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day recently said that Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky were “Hollywood’s next big split.” Woman’s Day claimed that Chris and Elsa were “taking a break” from their nearly 6 year marriage. It no doubt had the people of Australia clutching their koalas and gasping “NO! Not our beloved Hacky!” Everyone can relax, because Chris Hemsworth has announced that the rumor is as real as Thor’s ponytail.
Chris slapped at Woman’s Day by posting this picture of himself and Elsa cruising around on a boat to Instagram.
A few hours later, Elsa joined in by Instagramming a picture of herself snuggled up to her husband with the caption: “Ahora y siempre! Always and forever!”
Chris and Elsa got married after a few months of dating, and have made three kids together. They’re also both Hollywood actors, which makes them prime targets for 2016’s celebrity relationship curse. “Yes, that would be just awful” deadpanned everyone who has ever dreamed of getting with Thor.
Women’s Day claimed they heard that split talk from a “close friend” of Chris and Elsa’s. Either that close friend is right and Chris and Elsa’s relationship is hanging on by a thread, or they’re spreading lies because they’re secretly jealous that their friend Elsa gets to fall asleep every night next to that buff bag of hotness. If it’s the second one, that “friend” should be ashamed of themselves. A true friend is happy when their friend lands a hot-in-the-face hunk.
There’s this tiny little movie that’s just come out, you probably haven’t even heard of it or seen any ads for it. No, sorry. I meant the opposite of that. The Huntsman: Winter’s War finally came out this weekend and has been assaulting us from every angle for what feels like ages now. It’s like everywhere I turn there’s a picture or video of Charlize Theron in that gold medieval drag get up. Well, the joke’s on Universal because this all out attack on our eyes, ears and nerves backfired. The Hunstman flopped this weekend.
The sans Kristen Stewart prequel/sequel/whocaresquel has a grade A Hollywood star cast – Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain – but that wasn’t enough to get American butts into American movie theater seats, reports the Hollywood Reporter. Emphasis on the American because it’s made a little over $80 million overseas in the past two weeks. But it brought in only $20 million here on its opening weekend. The first movie opened with $56 million here in the States and went on to make over $396 million worldwide.
This second mess cost $115 million to make and it’ll make that back, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for another one of these. Please God, don’t let them make another one of these, there is only so much we can take of Charlize’s wreck of an accent. People chose to see the new Jungle Book over the adult version of Frozen in a very big way because it continued to destroy everything else in theaters, making another $60 million. Poor Chris Hemsworth, nothing but the Thor movies seem to work for him. But he’s making unfathomable amounts of money from those and probably from this, so, no, actually I don’t care. Those Marvel hoes will never get any pity from me!
The weekend’s top five movies were:
1. The Jungle Book – $60.8 million
2. The Huntsman: Winter’s War – $20 million
3. Barbershop: The Next Cut – $10.9 million
4. Zootopia – $6.6 million
5. The Boss – $6.1 million
Charlize Theron Worked Some Elegant Exterminator Couture At The Premiere Of “The Hunstman: Winter’s War”
The Los Angeles premiere of The Hunstman: Two Angry Queens (or Winter’s War, whatever) happened at Westwood Village Theatre last night, and Charlize Theron decided to remind everyone that she used to get nothing but trash roles by strutting onto the red carpet covered in bugs. Obviously that’s a reach; I doubt that’s the reason why Charlize is covered in bugs. In all seriousness, it’s probably because it takes a year’s worth of hot showers to fully remove Sean Penn’s dirty wiener stink from your body.
Red carpets are usually a boring mess, so I appreciate that Charlize wore a dress with a bunch of sequined insects crawling around on a piece of cheap nude illusion fabric. There’s no rhyme or reason to those bugs either; it looks like they’re all searching for the exit. Those bugs don’t want to be at the premiere of The Huntsman 2, they want to be at the In-N-Out behind the Westwood, making bug babies on an uneaten pile of double-doubles in the dumpster.
At the very least, they don’t want to accidentally run into the crazy marker-huffing hillbilly chiggers that may have hitched a ride on Miley Cyrus. Miley was apparently there with her two-time-fiance Liam Hemsworth, but they decided to keep a low profile and skipped out before the lights came on.
Here’s more of Charlize at The Hunstman: Winter’s War last night, as well as everyone else who was there. Like Jessica Chastain, who is wearing a dress that looks heavier than the shit they put you in at the dentist to make sure the X-rays don’t liquefy your insides. And Emily Blunt, who is still very pregnant. Also included, Chris Hemsworth, whose rock-hard Thor thighs are 0.3 seconds from busting the side-seams of his pants (I don’t mind). Also, for some reason, Faye Dunaway was there? Although she doesn’t really need a reason, since Faye Dunaway is a legend and can walk any red carpet she damn well pleases.