Apparently all eyes were on Angelina Jolie on Golden Globes night. If you weren’t sneaking a quick glance to detect if a pair of devil horns popped up through her hair when Jennifer Aniston walked out on stage, you might have been staring at her table buddy. Angelina Jolie was seated next to Chris Hemsworth. Angelina and Chris hadn’t appeared in a movie together, and Chris’ wife Elsa Pataky was nowhere to be seen. Chris was on Ellen yesterday and Ellen DeGeneres said that people made a “thing” out of him sitting next to Angelina. Chris says it’s not a thing.
Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”
A fresh glimpse of a shirtless Chris Hemsworth is probably the best part of this story. Marvel took a huge infodump (how nicely put) at San Diego Comic-Con this weekend. They debuted the new trailer for Thor: Ragnarok (aka Chris Hemsworth Has A Better Haircut And Remains A Thirst Trap), showed the first image of Brie Larson as Captain Marvel, and announced who would be playing the part of the FIRST Wasp in Ant-Man and the Wasp. It’s kind of a big name. I hope she sings “Cool Rider” in the movie to distract me, because I can only take so much of Paul Rudd’s “I’ll always be funnier than you” smirk. (And if you figured out who the actress in question is because of that song title, we are friends til’ the end.) Continue reading
Yesterday, I posted about Charlie Hunnam and his “considerably high-ranking on the heat index” hotness. Well, apparently I am easily horned up (“no shit, huh?” – Dlisted readers).
Thor (aka Chris Hemsworth) put the following little snippet of sexy on Instagram. Sons of Anarchy rolling asscheeks who? Thor is working out. Thor is working out shirtless. Thor is wiggling ropes in front of himself in a suggestive manner. THOR IS WEARING A DAMN HARNESS AND BACKING HIS ASS UP. I see you, Thor. I know this is supposedly you throwing your trainer an Instagram advertorial bone. But I know the actual bone you’re selling AND I AM BUYING.
The other Mr. Harvey, being a fellow horny trampasaurus, is usually fairly chill about me lusting over other dudes. I think it was the drool collecting on the laptop that earned me the side-eye, and what I think was a later Internet search for what legally separating entails.
Check out Chris Hemsworth working it out below.
Entertainment Weekly released a ton of pictures from Marvel’s newest cinematic nerd Viagra, Thor: Ragamuffinorsomething, and they should’ve put a giant warning on the cover. Because it looks like Thor went down to the nearest Supercuts and got the haircut that every straight guy named Brian or John gets before a job interview. That golden luscious mane is Thor and Thor is that golden luscious mane. Without it he looks like some regular guy wearing a Thor costume from Halloween Town to Comic-Con. Okay, a regular guy with muscles the size of pantyhose stuffed with cantaloupes, but still a regular guy.
I’m no nerd and Thor’s hair is still emotionally upsetting to me. It’s like when Felicity cut her hair. The stocks for brushes and leave-in conditioners plummeted! The only way I’ll be okay with Thor’s basic ass haircut is if we find out that shifty Loki could no longer fight the jealousy he felt over Thor’s gorgeous locks, and one night he cut that mane as Thor slept and made a wig out of it. And Loki better wear that wig throughout the whole damn movie.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day recently said that Chris Hemsworth and Elsa Pataky were “Hollywood’s next big split.” Woman’s Day claimed that Chris and Elsa were “taking a break” from their nearly 6 year marriage. It no doubt had the people of Australia clutching their koalas and gasping “NO! Not our beloved Hacky!” Everyone can relax, because Chris Hemsworth has announced that the rumor is as real as Thor’s ponytail.
Chris slapped at Woman’s Day by posting this picture of himself and Elsa cruising around on a boat to Instagram.
A few hours later, Elsa joined in by Instagramming a picture of herself snuggled up to her husband with the caption: “Ahora y siempre! Always and forever!”
Chris and Elsa got married after a few months of dating, and have made three kids together. They’re also both Hollywood actors, which makes them prime targets for 2016’s celebrity relationship curse. “Yes, that would be just awful” deadpanned everyone who has ever dreamed of getting with Thor.
Women’s Day claimed they heard that split talk from a “close friend” of Chris and Elsa’s. Either that close friend is right and Chris and Elsa’s relationship is hanging on by a thread, or they’re spreading lies because they’re secretly jealous that their friend Elsa gets to fall asleep every night next to that buff bag of hotness. If it’s the second one, that “friend” should be ashamed of themselves. A true friend is happy when their friend lands a hot-in-the-face hunk.