Today is National Pet Day, a day when everybody posts a picture of their pet. So basically it’s like every day since not a second goes by when a friend doesn’t post a picture of their dog on Facebook with false words like, “Isn’t that the best dog alive?” The answer is always: No, motherfucker, because it’s not a picture of my dog (and yes, if it was a picture of my dog, he’d be making “please save me from that bitch Michael” eyes).
To celebrate National Pet Day, famous people have been posting pictures of their pets. Like Vladimir Putin tweeted a picture of his favorite pet, Donald Trump, (he didn’t do that, I think), and Chris Evans tweeted a video of when he and his adopted dog friend Dodger first laid eyes on each other at the pound. Chris told People that he was shooting a scene for Gifted at the pound, and at first he thought that all the dogs there were actor dogs. But when he found out the dogs actually lived at the pound (and were shamelessly taking jobs away from real actor dogs!), he walked down the kennel aisle and met Dodger, who was about 1 years old at the time.
Dodger stayed sitting for a minute, because he was probably thinking, “If a famous Chris is going to adopt me, I’d rather it be Chris Crocker or Christopher Meloni, but you’ll do, I guess.”
This is the moment we met. He was trying so hard to stay seated even though he desperately wanted to get out. I knew right away that he was coming home with me, so I took this video to always remember our first hello. Rescue dogs are the best dogs!! #NationalPetDay pic.twitter.com/XjWxPWGDPu
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) April 11, 2018
Well, there goes the world’s supply of ovaries. And if Chris Evans wants to post another video that’ll make hos swoon themselves inside/out, he’d post a video of him taking a razor to that dreadful pedostache.
After playing Captain America/Steve Rogers in at least 1.7 million different Marvel movies, it sounds like Chris Evans is ready to hang up his shield and tight blue pants and call it quits. Captain America is the second person this week that Chris Evans decided he’s done with.
Avengers: Infinity War – starring Captain America and everyone else – comes out a month from now. Chris will also appear in what is currently being referred to as Avengers 4, coming out May 2019. It sounds like Chris is done after that. During an interview with The New York Times (via The Hollywood Reporter), Chris implied he’s ready to retire by saying:
“You want to get off the train before they push you off.”
The Hollywood Reporter points out that Captain America is just one of several Captain Americas in the comic books. There are internet rumors that Chris’ Captain America might die in Avengers: Infinity War or Avengers 4. And they already have two Captain America’s waiting in the wings to take his place. Sebastian Stan (aka the Winter Soldier) and Anthony Mackie (aka the Falcon) are both rumored to be possible replacements.
Chris Evans first appeared as Captain America in 2011. Before that he played Johnny Storm in two Fantastic Four movies. So it’s probably time to get off the train before he’s stuck playing superheroes. But what is a basic brunette superhero hottie named Chris going to do then? Whatever he does, he better do it on the down-low, because the last thing he needs is all the other brunette Chrises (Pine, Pratt, and Hemsworth) finding out and following him. The trick is to get in early before the market becomes over-saturated.
The whiplash inducing on again, off again relationship between Chris Evans and Jenny slate has officially careened off a cliff. Or maybe it just swerved a little on the freeway while Jenny was trying to light a bong between her legs and the car did a little badump badump badump on the idiot bumps between lanes. You never know with these two! But according to The New York Times, it’s over.
Chris Evans and Jenny Slate have been playing coy about whether or not they’re dating again for the past month. They could just come out and say “Yes,” but that’s no fun. Where’s the not-subtle cutesy Twitter flirting? Chris and Jenny are once again dropping hints about the status of their relationship, but this time Chris’ dog has been dragged into it.
Ugh, Chris Evans and Jenny Slate are like the grownup Hollywood version of that annoying couple in high school who live for the drama of breaking up and getting back together. She’s the president of the Drama Club and plays the clarinet in band but somehow hooked up with the captain of the Lacrosse team. Nobody in school really cares but they feel like their public makeups and breakups are the fuel that ignites a thousand spirit rallies. Even though they are not currently dating, Chris and Jenny still want their collective names on the lips of every Becky, Chad and Jermajesty (yes, Jermaine Jackson’s kid goes to my imaginary high school). But instead passing notes in class, they #tooktotwitter with their hijinks.
When Chris Evans and Jenny Slate reunited at the Gifted premiere back in April (seen above), it was a little awkward. Chris and Jenny had split a few months earlier, but they talked about each other in ways that sounded like they were pulled from the first chapter of a book called Avoiding Bad Breakup Publicity 101. As it turns out, they might have meant all the nice things they said. According to UsWeekly, Captain America and Niece Denise are possibly back together again.