A few days ago, Chris Brown hopped on Twitter and said that he wants to go on a world tour with Beyonce, Bruno Mars, and Rihanna. The same Rihanna he violently assaulted almost exactly nine years ago. I’m starting to think that before Chris Brown’s monkey was taken into custody, she pooped in his food and gave him a case of the Motaba virus. Because that’s the kind of stupid thing you type when your brain is melting.
Last month, Chris Brown broke the Parental Hierarchy of Pet Giving by buying his 3-year-old daughter Royalty a monkey. After the internet called him a dumbass for giving a child a pet monkey, he swore the animal – named Fiji – was his. The city of Los Angeles had a real problem with Chris’ monkey ownership. They’re pissed because Chris didn’t have a permit for little Fiji.
TMZ says that the California Department of Fish and Wildlife opened an investigation after getting several tips. Chris voluntarily surrendered Fiji to authorities before they could come raid his house. Having an exotic pet sans permit is a major no-no, and so Chris could be slapped with a misdemeanor charge of owning a restricted species without a permit. Fiji’s file has been turned over to the Los Angeles City Attorney. If Chris is found guilty, he could face up to six months in jail.
TMZ spoke to Chris’ lawyer Mark Geragos, who brushed it all off by calling the situation “absurd,” and implied the City Attorney has better, less petty things to spend taxpayer money on. Mark doesn’t seem to understand that this situation might be the universe’s sneaky way of forcing Chris Brown to take real, actual responsibility for his shitty actions. Monkeys are super smart, and some know sign language. I hope Fiji takes the stand and signs, “Living with Chris Brown was like suffering for 10 monkey lifetimes. Throw the book at him!”
Nick Cannon Is Directing An Independent Film About Women’s Street Basketball…Co-Starring Chris Brown
Why yes, I would love to see a movie about women’s street basketball. I’m not really a sports person but I appreciate and am inspired by the athletes’ hard work and dedication. According to Variety, one is in the works vis a vis Nick Cannon’s production company. Nick is a meh for me but the idea sounds pretty great all the same. My interest is piqued! #womenrock #ladyballers But wait….
All you bleeding heart monkey lovers out there who were ready to crucify Chris Brown for buying a baby monkey for his kid can kindly extinguish your torches. It turns out Chris didn’t buy his daughter a pet monkey after all. He bought it for himself. Quick, somebody get a lighter, we’ve got to light all these torches back up again!
“Haunted“ (*eye-roll*) documentary star Chris Brown was obviously never given the memo reading A) never give a pet as a gift and B) never give a wild animal as a pet as a gift. Chris posted a clip on Instagram of his 3-year-old daughter Royalty cuddling with her early Christmas present – a baby marmoset monkey. Continue reading
Chris Brown is finally breaking his silence about the night he and ex-girlfriend Rihanna re-enacted the limo scene from What’s Love Got To Do With It? inside a Lamborghini after a pre-Grammy party in 2009. The aftermath of that fight declared Rihanna the winner while Chris was transformed from happy, dancing heart throb into the second coming of Ike Turner. In the years since, Chris has remained tight-lipped about the incident, but now with his new documentary Chris Brown: Welcome To My Life, he’s ready to tell it all!