There must have been a full moon or something, because this is the second story about a dum-dum dick dripping who spent their Labor Day weekend dealing with an assault charge.
TMZ says that Chris Brown, the human equivalent to getting diarrhea at the mall and the only toilet paper they have is that 1-ply tissue paper bullshit, appeared in a Washington D.C. courtroom on Tuesday morning to accept a plea deal in the assault case that was born when Chris Brown tried to whoop a trick Chris Brown-style outside a W Hotel in Washington last October. Breezy told the judge that he wants to go on tour and spread his message of crappy music across the land, like a shitty Johnny Appleseed, and that he’s so sowwy and just wants to put this all behind him, so he plead guilty and accepted a misdemeanor assault charge. »
All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).
…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.
Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.
Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.
Chile, I am barely in the door and someone shoots Suge Knight at Chris Brown’s VMAs party! It’s like they knew I was making a cameo here at DListed once again! Why the fuck do I have to do all the heavy-lifting all of a sudden? It’s intimidating! Allison, where are you, girl? Michael K. is off in Cancun adding to his collection of dirty dicks (“acid reflux”, my fat Irish ass – you know dirty dicks are bad for your health) and someone shoots a celebrity and misses Chris Brown!
Death Row Records founder (and longtime walking target) Suge Knight was shot multiple times when someone started firing at Fist Brown’s pre-MTV VMAs kiki at 10OAK in West Hollywood early this morning. Besides Suge, three other people were shot and one is reportedly in critical condition. I would point out that, in a less ridiculous world, this post would be about the poor bastard who is at death’s door as opposed to big ole’ bullet cozy Suge. But I don’t want Suge to get out of ICU and hang my ass over a balcony.
Shots rang out in the packed nightclub around 1:30 AM, sending people dropping their drinks and running for the exits. You can watch the kind of upsetting vid via The Daily Mail below. The genius standing on top of the club banquette yelling at people and making himself an easy target AFTER BITCHES WERE SHOOTING EACH OTHER on the premises is reportedly Breezy. Ugh, keep tempting that fate, Chris.
On Wednesday night, Drake hosted the ESPY Awards (who won? Basketball won, I dunno) and even though he’s no longer rolling around the halls of Degrassi High, he still managed to bring the bitchy high school drama. During an original song titled “Honorable Mentions/Side Pieces”, Wheelchair Jimmy yanked on his emergency brake and left a set of skid marks all over Macklemore’s Grammy win for Best Rap Album by singing “Real talent doesn’t always win championships, like real music doesn’t always win Grammys” as a giant picture of Macklemore was projected behind him.
No, you didn’t fall into a time suck: the Grammys happened six fucking months ago, and Wheelchair Jimmy already threw a bunch of shade at Macklemore back in February. And I was fine with it then, but not now; Drake has NO RIGHT calling anyone out while wearing a pair of linen capri pants and a floaty casual tunic from Chico’s. Drake looks like he’s auditioning for the lead role in a Nancy Meyers movie. Bitch looks like a human hot flash.
Thankfully Drake dried his tears long enough to film a sketch with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers called “Drake vs Blake (or Blake vs Drake)”, which was funny for the first 2 minutes and 4 seconds, but then Chris Brown’s ugly malnourished weasel mug popped into frame and I stopped laughing:
Chris Brown was pretending to be a surgeon who was about to operate on Drake. Makes sense – he’s a pro at putting people in the hospital.
And RIP to Normal Guy Dave, because the second Drake described Blake Griffin as looking like “a black guy that jumped into a pile of Cheetos”, Britney Spears told him she’s found someone new and began frantically searching the internet for a giant net and the location of the Clippers locker room.
Dump all your homemade ZzzQuil and pull the pillows out of storage, you can finally sleep at night now that you know Drake and Chris Brown no longer hate each other with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. This picture of Wheelchair Jimmy and the human impacted wisdom tooth acting all palsy-walsy in a recording studio last night made its way to Instagram, and TMZ has taken as a sign that they’ve buried the hatchet and are maybe, possibly recording a song together.
In case you’ve forgotten and/or never gave a single crumbly shit in the first place (good for you), their feud began back in 2009 after Chris Brown went all Chris Brown-y on Rihanna before the Grammys. Wheelchair Jimmy swore on his emergency brake that he’d track down Chris Brown like a swaggy Inigo Montoya and extract vengeance against the man who roughed up his soulmate. Three years later, Wheelchair Jimmy rolled into Chris Brown in a club in NYC and sent a dozen broken bottles flying at his face, and the two became sworn enemies ever since.
I guess both of them fell into a coma and forgot that they’re supposed to be the rap version of Garfield and Nermal, because now it appears they’re BFFs who hang out in the recording studio in their sweatpants drinking out of red Solo cups. And I guess I need a brain scan, because that’s what’s bothering me most about this picture: those sweatpants. I’m hoping this is actually a picture of Drake and his cousin (who looks like he’s making a dookie in his underoos) when they were toddlers, because there is no reason for why two grown-ass men should be hanging out in sweatpants together.
If you watched the video of kindergarden ass cramp Justin Bieber gleefully telling a racist joke and your first thought was “I really wish someone would punch him in the face”, now is the time to cross your fingers and wish like you were blowing out the candles on a damn birthday cake, because TMZ says the crown prince of rage Chris Brown is back on the streets! And since it’s only a matter of time before he takes a swing at something, wouldn’t it be great if that something was an shitty entitled Canadian asshole?
Look, don’t get me wrong – if I had to choose, I think I’d rather Chris Brown not punch anything at all. But since Chris Brown is like an infected hemorrhoid that just keeps getting bigger and juicier, I won’t hold my breath. Especially since he’s being released from jail early. On May 9th, Chris Brown was sentenced to a year in the pokey for violating his parole after one of his fists went loco on a guy’s face in DC back in October 2013. However, the judge took pity on his ass and gave him credit for the 116 days he’d spent in rehab and the 59 days he spent behind bars, so he only had to play Orange Is The New Black for 131 days.
I guess the jail he was locked up in is run by the same easy-going art teacher who ran detention at my high school and let everyone go early so she could get high in her Subaru Outback, because around midnight last night, Chris Brown was released 23 days early. Why? No reason was given. But if I had to guess, it was probably because they were sick of looking at his ass.
If Chris Brown really wants to stay out of prison, the only way he should be leaving the house is Hannibal Lecter-style. But since he won’t, expect to see the headline “CHRIS BROWN ARRESTED FOR PUNCHING SOMEONE WHO LOOKED AT HIM THE WRONG WAY” in the next couple of days.
So, TMZ says that Chris Brown was ordered to 131 more days in jail, which may make you scream out, “YAAAASSS,” until your tonsils pop. But your “YAASSS” may turn into a “NOOOO,” because he’ll probably get out sometime next week due to overcrowding and time served.
For the past few weeks, people partying at clubs have wondered to themselves, “Hmmm, something seems off here. Why isn’t a bottle flying toward my head and why isn’t a fist hitting my cheek?” The answer: Because Chris Brown has been locked up. The Difficult Brown was thrown into jail in mid-March after he got kicked out of rehab (AGAIN) for breaking several rules. He was back in court today in L.A. for a probation violation hearing. Fist Brown was charged with assault in DC after he punched a dude outside of the W Hotel. That is a violation of his probation in the RiRi beating case and in today’s hearing he admitted to committing assault in DC.
For violating probation, the judge sentenced him to 1 year in jail. But that 1 year will be chipped down to just a few days. Chris gets credit for the 59 days he’s been in jail and the 116 days in spent in rehab. TMZ also says that the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department has been releasing jail birds sentenced to 1 year after 240 days due to overcrowding. And for every 1 day he’s served in jail, he gets credit for 2 days. So when I do the math in my head (read: a calculator, because math is hard), he gets credit for 234 days which means he’ll only have to serve 6 days.
People says that the judge told Chris that he could’ve sentenced him to 4 years, but he took into account that he was young when he beat RiRi and that he’s been diagnosed as bi-polar.
Maybe while he was locked up, they gave the Difficult Brown the help he needs and after having some time to reflect, he realized that fisting a person in the face when he gets mad at them is not the way. When he gets out, he’ll recruit Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan and together they’ll open up a rehab center in the country where they’ll rehabilitate asshole celebrities into upstanding members of society. And maybe a flock of flying dildos will fly out of my asshole and my lonely tears will magically transform the orange body pillow I call Pillow Hot Ginge into the real thing. Hey, it can happen!
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of fever dream a Hannah Montana choreographer would have if they mainlined Summer’s Eve and melted Zumiez shopping bags with a dirty needle in the parking lot of Universal Studios Orlando, this is it. And yes, Chris Brown is the dirty needle in that scenario. No, scratch that – the whole video is a dirty pile of needles. Everything about “Loyal” made me back further and further away from my laptop, starting with the actual song itself. Newsflash, Chris Brown: just because a ho rats your punk ass out every time you get punchy doesn’t mean they “ain’t loyal”. #thisdumbass
But let’s forget about the song for a second and focus on how lame this video is. We open on Chris Brown (dressed like Jaden Smith) and Lil Wayne skipping around the mall food court like it’s the last day of school and their parents won’t be back to pick them up for 3 whole hours. And just like most aggressively horny 14-year-olds, they spend the entire video cruising for girls. Except they’re not teenagers; they’re grown-ass adults dressed up like teenagers. So, they’re basically Pedobear in swaggy drag. And speaking of Pedobear…
Did somebody say “Pedobear’s douchebaggy asshole younger brother”? What is this shit? Why is there a guy who’s face has been covered up by a fucked up-looking cartoon bear?? Wait, I think I got it: Pedodouche is the result of a dare gone wrong.
Guy #1: I dare you…..to appear in a Chris Brown video!
Guy #2: Yeah, okay. But on one condition – I don’t have to show my face.
Guy #1: Jokes on you; even with your face covered, it’s still super embarrassing.
Then there’s some more dancing, more girl chasing, a chick cruising Ashley Madison on her phone (because 9 out of 10 women would rather fuck a random creepy businessman in his sad room at the Holiday Inn Express than take their chances with Chris Brown), more dancing like nobody’s watching, Usher in a Davy Crockett hat because why the hell not, and Tyga with a tiger (everyone’s pun-obsessed Aunt just creamed their pajama jeans). I think the takeaway here is that I hope they don’t have wifi in jail, because Chris Brown will get his ass handed to him if the inmates of Cellblock D ever see this G-rated Kids Inc.-looking mess. And by ‘hope they don’t’ I of course mean ‘hope they play this shit in the cafeteria at dinnertime’.
When Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for violating the rules (is there anything he won’t violate?) and was sent to prison, I did a little jig to thank the universe for finally holding him accountable for his actions and putting his ass in an orange jumpsuit of justice. But it looks like jail is too hard for Boo Hoo Brown and he’s gone crying to his lawyers to get him out. Really? Lil’ Babyface Boo Hoo Brown can’t handle pwison? Sadly, it looks like baby might get what baby wants.
According to TMZ, you have one more reason to shake your fist at the universe (don’t shake your ass, I’ve discovered it gets you nowhere). While people like you and I can barely sniffle or slut our way out of a speeding ticket, wealthy assholes like Boo Hoo Brown are able to pay their way out of jail. Boo Hoo was supposed to be killing time in the pokey till his assault trial on April 23rd, but sources say that his lawyer Mark Geragos has contacted the dude he assaulted in DC and has offered to back a dump truck full of cash into his driveway. Because money is delicious, the victim will probably take the cash, tell the judge he’s no longer interested in pursuing a criminal case, then bingo-bango, that Boo Hoo Bitch is out of jail.
But once he gets out, he’ll probably end up back on the inside again, since things on the outside are shitty enough for him to rage punch the closest soft surface. His Barbadian birthday cake bottom bitch RiRi is currently unavailable for snatch-snuggling because she’s busy picking out boring shit like towels and throw pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond with Wheelchair Jimmy. And he can’t go back to his backup benchwarmer piece, Kruncheberry Tran, who’s allegedly broken up with him again because he would’t stop texting everything with a vagina.
“Why does my mobile phone keep receiving pictures of a skinny brown pool noodle?” – Chris Brown’s 1st grade Sunday School teacher, Agnes Franklin.