While performing a show in London on Wednesday night as part of Drake’s Boy Meets World Tour, he took a sharp slap at one of his oldest foes, Chris Brown. If Drake’s tour was anything like the real Boy Meets World, this would be where Mr. Feeny sits Drake’s ass down to tell him to stop poking at Chris Brown.
There used to be a time when Chris Brown attempted to hide his asshole tendencies. But putting in that much work on such a futile job has clearly gotten to be just too exhausting, and Chris Brown is just like “Fuck it, this is me.”
Chris recorded a Instagram video in which he brags about stalking and harassing the women he dates. Just like many of Chris Brown’s cracked out confessional videos, he deleted this one. But The Shade Room grabbed it before it was gone. Just hearing the words “Hello, I’m Chris Brown” should be enough for any woman to spin 180-degrees and run away, but he’s given women another reason for why they should never date him.
“Ladies, y’all be complaining about n—as being, like, stalkers and in love with y’all, kinda crazy and shit and you get tired of it. Well, guess what? I’m one of them n—as! If I love you, bitch, ain’t nobody gonna have you. I’m gonna make you miserable. I’m going to chase that n—a out, and I’m gonna chase yo ass around, and it’s done.”
Bragging about stalking and harassing your girlfriends? Chris Brown, you don’t have to try so hard. Michael Rapaport already loves you.
Chris Brown’s nickname, Breezy, makes a lot more sense now. I’m guessing he got it after dozens of women he’s tried to get with have heard a rustling noise in the bushes outside their window and thought “It’s probably just the breeze.”
That’s right, Officer Gary from Friends seems to love Chris Brown. Michael Rapaport was motivated to leap to Chris Brown’s defense during a recent episode of his podcast I Am Rapaport. Go ahead and cue up Randy Newman’s You’ve Got A Friend in Me for this one.
Aziz Ansari hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend and his monologue was just him doing stand-up. And since his episode happened the day after the inauguration, his jokes were mostly about Trump. Aziz probably expected his monologue would trigger a Twitter tantrump. Instead, the person who slapped at him the next morning was Chris Brown. Sorry, I really should have specified that it was a verbal slapping. It is Chris Brown we’re talking about, after all.
Chris Brown and Soulja Boy are apparently still going through with that boxing match. Soulja Boy, who claims the fight is happening in March in either Las Vegas or Los Angeles and not Dubai, hired Floyd Mayweather Jr. to train him. Chris Brown has proven repeatedly that he’s proficient at punching and doesn’t technically need a trainer, but he got one anyway. Chris Brown has hired Mike Tyson as his coach. “Why did I just get the chills?” thought every operator of a domestic violence hotline. One of Mike’s first duties as Chris Brown’s team was to release a diss track aimed at Soulja Boy called If You Show Up.
This should be good news for anyone who has wanted to get rid of a bunch of cash in a dumb way but can’t find a pack of matches or a paper shredder. You will soon have the chance to pay to watch Chris Brown and Soulja Boy work out their anger by wailing on each other.