It’s no secret that Chris Brown loves to fight, but when his hands get tired, what is a combative asshole to do? In Chris Brown’s case, he starts fighting with the mother of his 4-year-old daughter Royalty over child support.
None of what I typed in that headline should be surprising to anyone with even the vaguest recollection of Chris Brown. What might be surprising is that it took a whole 15 months for Chris Brown to finally get busted for throwing his fists around.
Last year in April, 29-year-old Chris got into some trouble in Tampa, FL after he allegedly assaulted a photographer at a club. The club’s photographer was reportedly trying to get some crowd shots, and paranoid dust-for-brains Chris thought the photographer was trying to get some sneaky pictures of him. So he allegedly leapt over a couch and punched the photographer in the face. Police were called, but Chris and his bodyguard fled the scene before they could be questioned. That brings us to present day.
Chris played a show at the Coral Sky Amphitheater in West Palm Beach, FL last night. TMZ says that when he was done, he walked off stage and found several police officers waiting to arrest him. Police had reportedly been waiting to catch him since they obtained a warrant for his arrest last year.
People says Chris was arrested for felony battery at around 11:00pm, and taken into custody. He was released after posting $2,000 bail. So far, Chris hasn’t said anything about his arrest on social media, which is pretty strange for him. Maybe he’s still trying to make sense of how confusing and backwards the situation was for him. “Handcuffs? Police? A year later? That’s odd. This usually happens right after I’ve gotten violent on someone. Would it be okay if I try to hit one of you first? I’m kind of a stickler for repetition.”
Pic: Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office
It would be nice to send a message to the universe saying we don’t need any more evidence that Chris Brown is a demon visiting from Hell. We all know, and yet here we are with yet another story featuring Chris Brown that will almost certainly make your stomach bile rise.
Snapchat isn’t having such a great 2018. The queen of their target market (vapid millennials) might have sank their stock with a single tweet. And now they’re taking heat for an ad that they ran featuring a joke about slapping Rihanna, that also just so happened to co-star a joke about Chris Brown.
A few days ago, Chris Brown hopped on Twitter and said that he wants to go on a world tour with Beyonce, Bruno Mars, and Rihanna. The same Rihanna he violently assaulted almost exactly nine years ago. I’m starting to think that before Chris Brown’s monkey was taken into custody, she pooped in his food and gave him a case of the Motaba virus. Because that’s the kind of stupid thing you type when your brain is melting.
Last month, Chris Brown broke the Parental Hierarchy of Pet Giving by buying his 3-year-old daughter Royalty a monkey. After the internet called him a dumbass for giving a child a pet monkey, he swore the animal – named Fiji – was his. The city of Los Angeles had a real problem with Chris’ monkey ownership. They’re pissed because Chris didn’t have a permit for little Fiji.
TMZ says that the California Department of Fish and Wildlife opened an investigation after getting several tips. Chris voluntarily surrendered Fiji to authorities before they could come raid his house. Having an exotic pet sans permit is a major no-no, and so Chris could be slapped with a misdemeanor charge of owning a restricted species without a permit. Fiji’s file has been turned over to the Los Angeles City Attorney. If Chris is found guilty, he could face up to six months in jail.
TMZ spoke to Chris’ lawyer Mark Geragos, who brushed it all off by calling the situation “absurd,” and implied the City Attorney has better, less petty things to spend taxpayer money on. Mark doesn’t seem to understand that this situation might be the universe’s sneaky way of forcing Chris Brown to take real, actual responsibility for his shitty actions. Monkeys are super smart, and some know sign language. I hope Fiji takes the stand and signs, “Living with Chris Brown was like suffering for 10 monkey lifetimes. Throw the book at him!”