“You claim that your time in rehab has taught you to be less violent. The fact that you chose to assault my eyes with awful Night At The Roxbury-looking suit determines that was a lie.” – What I’m assuming the Judge said to Chris Brown right before he sentenced him back to rehab. And yes, I’m imagining the judge was Maury.
Just four days after trading friendship bracelets and mailing addresses with his best buds on his last day in rehab (“I’ll write you the minute I get home! Camp Rehab forever!”) Chris Brown has been told to pack up his Rescue Rangers duffle bag and hop back on the bus to anger management rehab. Despite successfully completing 95 days (I consider it a success if he doesn’t burn the place to the ground and punch the ashes) he has been ordered to return to rehab for 60 more days:
Superior Court Judge James Brandlin scheduled Brown’s next hearing for April 23. That would come after what’s expected to be a brief assault trial in Washington, D.C., earlier that month.
Prosecutors have asked that Brown be sent to jail for violating probation with his October arrest in the district. In that incident, Brown and his bodyguard are accused of punching a man and breaking his nose outside a hotel. Brown is on probation for his 2009 attack on then-girlfriend, Rihanna.
Brown’s attorneys have asked the judge to await the outcome of the Washington, D.C., case before hearing evidence on whether Brown should go to jail.
And according to a document obtained by TMZ from the facility where he was staying, his extended stint in rehab isn’t just a clever way to skip prison. As it turns out, Chris Brown is that troubled kid from down the street who keeps asking your 8-year-old self if you “wanna see a dead mouse?” and needs some major mental health help:
The facility writes, “Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and untreated PTSD.” They never explain the cause of the PTSD. The letter also says Chris was diagnosed with Bipolar II.
Did I just feel bad for Chris Brown? Yikes. Calgon take me away and Jesus take the wheel.
Oooh, Justin Bieber just got the fear. Now that Chris Brown is back on the streets, Tantrum Toddler is no longer the baddest boy on the block anymore. Whipping down the street on your Big Wheel and egging houses? Puh-lease. Chris Brown’s gonna school you on how to really egg a house. And by ‘egg a house’, I mean ‘beat someone till you’ve been charged with felony assault‘.
Or maybe those 90-days of court-ordered anger management rehab have rubbed off on him and he’s traded in his bad boy ways for building bird houses and tying knots with his scout troop. I mean, the cynical realist in me says he’s not, but according to Hollywood Life, the sorry slug of a human we call Breezy has emerged from rehab as beautiful, gentle butterfly. Here, hold out your hands so I may distribute several grains of salt:
“He’s back home now and he feels good about it,” a source close to Chris tells Hollywood Life exclusively. After Chris left rehab, he headed to a music video shoot, where he broke out some impressive moves for his new single, “Loyal.” His closest friends then welcomed him back home with open arms.
Now the next step for Chris is to take what he was taught in anger management rehab and apply it to the real world. “He’s trying to take what he learned with him about his anger and relationships with women and his mother and use those skills to make his relationships better,” the source insists.
I don’t want to believe that Chris Brown is a changed boy (I refuse to use the word man) but he did recently Instagram a picture of himself at a benefit dinner and it wasn’t a picture of his fist making contact with the face of one of the two other guys sitting beside him, or him smashing the shit out of the table while flipping everyone off, so…baby steps? What if rehab actually worked and he’s no longer a violent lizard? Hahaha, I know; that’s like saying “Maybe Kim Kardashian is ready for a quiet life of privacy“. But for the sake of trying to be a good person, I sort of hope he has put his Street Fighter ways behind him so we can get back to focusing on what truly matters: the shitty, shitty music he makes.
The Difficult Brown got a day pass from terrorizing people in rehab to go to court and to hear a judge tell him that his probation is revoked. I wished that the judge also revoked that hair color and those glasses, because nobody should go around looking they’re what came out of Sisqo’s butt 9 months after a book worm on meth dropped a raw jizz load in there.
Chris Brown was on probation for beating RiRi, but since he can’t go that long without letting his fist fly, he got arrested in DC in October for getting violent on another dude. E! News says that after L.A. Superior Court Judge James Brandlin reviewed that case, he decided that Chris did break some laws (along with another dude’s nose) and violated his probation. If you or I violated our probation by busting a ho’s face, we’d immediately be tasered and thrown into a small cell with a cholo who sang Linda Ronstadt songs all the time. (My mom worked with a woman whose cholo husband went to prison for grand theft somethingoranother and he used to write letters to Linda Ronstadt all the time. The only way prison would be tolerable is if my cholo roommate serenaded me with “Hay unos ojos” every night.) Anyway, but since Chris Brown is a rich celebrity and is ten stories above the law the judge didn’t send him to prison. Chris didn’t go to prison, because he’s already in court-ordered rehab.
The judge actually patted Chris Brown on the taint for doing well in anger management rehab and told him to keep doing what he’s doing. Chris has to keep doing 24 hours of community service a week and he can swallow his meds, but he can’t swallow any weed smoke, even the medical kind (isn’t it all medical?). Chris can only leave CA to go to a hearing in DC and he’ll have to show his face in court on February 10th for another probation hearing. Once Chris is done with rehab, the judge could send him to jail for messing up his probation.
Chris Brown isn’t going to jail in February and he’s never going to jail ever. The day the Difficult Brown goes to jail for longer than 8 seconds is the day that my tail bone grows into an extra long, always hard bendy dick. So what I’m saying is that I REALLY hope he goes to jail for longer than 8 seconds.
Dear staff at the receiving anger management rehab center: hide yo chairs, pad yo walls and hope that Chris Brown has learned something in group therapy because the old, ragey asshole Chris will lose his shit over Frank Ocean’s cousin suing him for over $3 million.
TMZ says that Sha’Keir Duarte has filed papers in his lawsuit against Chris, asking for millions in damages stemming from a fight between Fist, Frank and their respective groups of hangers on and bodyguards. The breakdown is $1 million for pain, suffering and inconvenience, $1 million for emotional distress, $1 million for punitive damages and $60k for medical expenses. Chris had already countersued Duarte, falling back on the super-mature argument of toddlers everywhere- “he started it!“.
$60,000 in medical bills?? What kind of fight are we talking here because unless they all took lessons from the queen of the motherfucking throw down, that sounds a bit excessive. Maybe a hospital stay was required after Sha’Keir exhausted himself circling around Chris’s posse for twenty minutes before anybody even threw a punch. Straight thuggin’.
If we’re just going to throw lawsuits at Chris for pain and suffering, I’d like to sue him for a millions just for the emotional distress resulting from going to six fucking weddings where the bride and groom insisted on doing the “Forever” entrance, unless he wants to settle it the old fashioned way. He’d better watch his back, because Chris wouldn’t stand a chance against my sweet windmill arm moves and my expert sparring training. COME AT ME, BREEZY!
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the misadventures of The Difficult Brown, he recently checked into rehab, because he wanted to look good for the court after he might’ve violated his probation by allegedly punching a dude outside of a hotel in DC. E! News says that Chris Brown was kicked out of rehab two weeks later after he threw a rock through his mom’s car window when she came to visit him. Isn’t that how this piece of trash greets everyone? I’m sure his enabling ass mom will say that Fist Brown thought she was a little overheated in her car and so he broke the window to give her some air. He is always thinking of others.
Chris and his lawyer were in court today for a progress hearing in the RiRi beating case. The probation department was there and told the judge about how Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for being Chris Brown. The judge ordered Chris back to inpatient rehab for 3 months. He can only leave rehab to do his community service hours and to fly to DC to answer to that misdemeanor assault charge. He will be tested for the bad shit while he’s in rehab. The L.A. District Attorney told the court that she’s going to keep up with the DC case and she doesn’t know if she’s going to ask for his probation to be revoked yet. After court, The Difficult Brown’s spokeswhore shat out this dry hand job of a statement:
“His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
Baby douche steps, Fist Brown, baby douche steps. His first goal should be to not fucking punch anyone in the face and then he should focus on that other shit. But the good news is that humanity is safe from Chris Brown’s fist for at least 3 months. The bad news for everybody in rehab with him is that they have to walk around with a helmet on and tape pillow cases around his fists when he’s asleep.
And can’t we just send Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Sean Penn, George Zimmerman, Josh Brolin and Mel Gibson to a deserted island and let them all rage on each other? We can call it The Anger Games.
“Chris is continuing his rehab program as an outpatient and is also completing his community service in the Los Angeles area,” Brown’s rep tells E! News in a statement. “He appreciates all of your encouragement and support.”
“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up,” a source told E! News shortly before Rihanna’s former man entered treatment. “He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble.”
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility,” a rep for the singer said in a statement to E! News at the time. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
He’s in an outpatient program? That’s great news! Statistically speaking, leaving rehab after a little over two weeks usually works out, right? I mean, what else is there to learn? After 3 sessions with a counsellor, you’re pretty much set. Plus, it’s not like being an aggressive dickhead is the same as having a drug addiction. I know that it took one of my friends over a year to quit smoking, but I’m sure the urge to go crazy on someone’s face is something you can shake in a couple days. Those 16 days in rehab have probably undone years of being told he’s an invincible god of success who doesn’t need to be held accountable for his actions. I’m willing to guess post-rehab Chris Brown will show us a more humble, responsible Chris Brown.
That counts as my good deed for the day, right? It doesn’t?
Okay, well then fuck it, here’s some Miss Cleo realness for you. Chris Brown will be punching someone in the face before the clock strikes midnight tonight. He’s a foolish little shit who only went to rehab because he knows his ass couldn’t handle it in prison. To the counsellors who worked with Chris Brown in rehab: I’m sure every minute you spent with The Difficult felt exactly like taking a difficult shit, but just be thankful he only wasted your time for 16 days.
(Pic via Wenn)
The minute I read about Justin Bieber’s latest display of Muppet Babies Bad-Asserry, I threw up my arms in a manner identical to this GIF and knew that today was going to be a tough one for me. As one of you guessed yesterday (due to my butchering of the word ‘neighborhood’) I am a Canadian person. As such, for the past 4 years (or however long this misbehaved come-to-life Kewpie doll has been terrorizing culture) I have had to constantly apologize for Justin Bieber. So I’ll begin the same way I do any time the words “Justin Bieber” are mentioned: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Canada is so sorry.
So what has Justin Bieber done this time to prove to us that he’s a Class-1 Bad Boy? According to TMZ, Latarian Milton’s #1 Fan asked his bodyguard to go to the art store and buy him some spray paint (because you have to be over 18 to buy spray paint. “Shhhh! They don’t have to know it’s for me! I’m so bad!” – Justin) so he could express his feelings regarding Chris Brown’s trip to rehab through graffiti. Bieber’s really crummy-looking message of “FREE BREEZY” (which sounds like the Dollar Tree version of Febreze) was sprayed on a wall in Bogota, Colombia (my 3rd Grade Pen Pal lived there; her letters were sad) where street art is permitted, but you know he would have done it anyway even if it was illegal, because he’s so TOUGH.
Not being content with his eye-rolling defence of The Most Arrogant Man in the World (“I don’t always try to beat the shit out of people, but when I do…oh wait, no, I’m constantly trying to beat the shit out of people”) Justin Bieber embarrassed himself even further by spray painting a pot leaf with a maple leaf inside it and a tribute to his dead hamster, Pac. In case you were curious as to what that deafeningly-loud whoosh of air you just heard was, it was me releasing the most I Can’t-sounding sigh in the universe.
Justin Bieber is probably on Wikipedia right now editing his page to include ‘graffiti artist’ in his never-ending list of occupations. Fun fact! Along with Singer-songwriter, Musician, and Dancer, he also includes Actor (EXCUSE ME??) and Investor (HOLD LE PHONE). I think you now understand why I get tired of introducing myself as: “Hi, I’m Allison, and I too hope that one day Justin Bieber gets deported.”
There is one hero in this story and, no, it’s not the decaying body of Pac (who is breathing a sigh of relief up in Hammy Heaven and telling Saint Squeaker “Thank god I’m finally dead”). It’s whoever wrote ‘Chicken Shit’ underneath Justin’s ‘FREE BREEZY’. I don’t know if they were referring to Chris Brown or Justin Bieber, but either way, I need to hunt them down like the Predator and give them a giant hug.
(Pic via TMZ)
Taking a tip from Lindsay Lohan’s “How To Stay Out of Jail When ‘I’m A Motherfucking Celebrity’ Might Not Work” handbook, Chris Brown hopped on the Damage Control Express and headed straight for rehab just two days after he was arrested in DC for straight-up fisting a dude in the face. Even though the judge reduced Chris Brown’s felony charge to a misdemeanor, he could get thrown in a cell for violating probation. So he took his ass to jail. Some source (aka a low-level member of Team Breezy) told E! yesterday that The Difficult Brown’s got issues with weed and alcohol. Uh huh. Chris’ meth-scratched face (copyright: Erin from Rock of Love, fuck I miss Rock of Love) tells me that he’s putting something stronger than weed in his favorite smoking pipe. Chris’ lawyer shat out this statement to E!:
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
TMZ says that The Difficult Brown’s lawyer dropped him off at a rehab facility in Malibu (aka a luxury spa that sometimes plays re-runs of Intervention in the screening room) and he’s there to deal with his anger management issues. A source said (a source did not say this) that he’s officially seeking treatment for being a flaming pile of rotten dicks in a bag made of burnt ballsack skin.
Because of the timing, it’s kind of obvious that The Difficult Brown is trying to look good for the judge and after few days of spa treatments and facials, his punchin’ fist will be back out on the stroll. If Mom Breezy and his lawyer really want to rebuke the asshole from him, they should drop him off at somebody’s abuelita’s house. I have always said that an abuelita should open an anger management center, because sometimes the silent and subtle fury of an old lady with a ring on every finger will set a bitch right.
When a notorious face-puncher like Mike Tyson is telling you to stop punching people, then you might want to ring up Calgon to take you away from fist-to-face contact for a while. TMZ reports that on the 95.5 PLJ Morning Show this morning, Tyson was asked if he had any advice for Chris Brown, who, as we all know, loves nothing more than to sink his tiny balled-up fists into whatever’s pissed him off that day.
“I like and admire that little guy, but what he really needs to understand is that eventually, if you keep doing that kind of stuff…people will turn on you.”
“I’m worried about him because he’s a sweet kid…they’re gonna put him somewhere where that’s all they do is assault people.”
I know I’m focusing on the wrong thing here, but the way he describes Chris Brown is similar to the way you’d describe an out-of-control 9-year-old. ‘The little guy’. ‘Sweet kid’. Well played, Mike Tyson, well played. For real though, having Mike Tyson advise you to stop getting violent with strangers is like Lindsay Lohan slipping you the address for Promises Malibu while you’re snorting drain cleaner off a Bowie knife. It can only mean one thing; your shit is MAJOR out of control. Chris Brown got lucky again when his most recent assault charge was reduced to a misdemeanour, but he isn’t always going to be riding around with horseshoes up his ass. Homegirl is still on probation for the shit he did to Rihanna in 2009, so the next time he decides to throw down with someone who ‘breathed on him wrong at Burger King’ (I’m just guessing that will be the next fight) he might get a Not-the-One Judge who says “Fuck it, I thought F.A.M.E was garbage” and throws his ass in the chokey.
If Chris Brown had any brains in his head (don’t answer that) he would take Mike Tyson’s advice. In the 1990s, Mike Tyson was the kind of celebrity who couldn’t pump gas without money raining from the sky, women throwing themselves at his feet, t-shirt cannons shooting ‘Iron Mike’ shirts into the adoring crowds, and his ass got thrown in the chokey for 3 years. Not 3 weeks community service reading to memaws at nursing home, but three full years in a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Chris Brown is so lucky he’s getting advice from Mike Tyson; this is his own personal Ghost of Christmas Future and this bitch BETTER LISTEN. I’m sure we’d all love a voice from the future visit us and give us advice (My ghost to me: “You can’t eat so many Pop Tarts, girl; leggings won’t be a trend forever…”)
We can all let out a giant huge sigh of relief, because rich celebwhore justice prevails again. A judge in DC today, put on a white velvet glove and gently slapped The Difficult Brown on the top of his right hand, reduced his felony assault charge to a misdemeanor and released him without bail. I know, for a minute there I thought they were actually going to punish The Difficult Brown as if he was a regular person. They really had me there. Thank God the justice system didn’t make all of us piss out our internal organs from shock over actually punishing Fist Brown.
Chris was arrested early on Sunday morning outside of the W Hotel in DC when he fisted a dude in the face. Team Difficult Brown says that the dude who got a fistful of The Difficult Brown tried to get on his bus and he made his bodyguard “handle it.” They say that Chris Brown’s fist never touched that dude’s face. The dude who got punched claims that Chris’ bodyguard did punch him, but so did Chris. The dude claims that Chris said, “I ain’t down wit that gay shit,” to him before punching him.
Chris and his bodyguard had been sitting in a jail cell since Sunday. TMZ says that today, the judge released them both and reduced both of their felony charges. Chris was told to stay 100 yards away from the victim. Chris was supposed to take a drug test, but the judge shooed that order away for some reason (and by “for some reason” I mean “because he’s a rich celebwhore” or “because Chris Brown gave the judge a quick beej and a b-hole finger massage”).
Some source close to The Difficult Brown tells E! that he doesn’t need jail, he needs rehab and therapy:
“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up. He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble. No one is making excuses for Chris. No one is condoning what he has done. But what people don’t realize is how bad it’s gotten for him. He has all this money and success and he keeps apologizing, but he continues to be one of the most hated people in the business. He gets depressed and then self-medicates. He has a lot of yes-people around him who don’t want to help. They just want the money and want to have a good time.”
“Weed and alcohol” is a really funny way of saying “meth and more meth,” because damn, Chris Brown looks like a hairy meth sore freshly ripped off of a meth face. His face is all meth. And the source has a point. Fist Brown needs a whole lot of help. He obviously suffers from some kind of disorder. I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I think I did a first year psychology student once (that practically makes me a licensed mental health professional), and in my professional opinion Chris Brown suffers from a mental disorder called being a complete fucking asshole. That’s the medical term for it.
Here’s the meth Sisqo leaving court in DC today with Mom Breezy.