When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.
Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!
Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.
What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….
If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.
Despite the fact that their relationship was the definition of MESS and that only four months ago he was calling her a Drake-humping ho on Instagram, TMZ says that Chris Brown is trying to woo back his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran after she dumped his ass for making a baby with another chick while they were together. His plan of action? Calling and texting her and her friends non-stop and kissing her ass on social media. Even Amber Rose is like “I dunno, I think you might be coming off a little desperate.”
Sources say that Chris is beyond desperate to get Karrueche back, I guess because he’s striking out with the ladies on CrappyBoyfriendMatch.com or something. But rather than wait it out and hope she starts to miss being the girlfriend of Chris Brown (unlikely), he decided to take the obsessed weirdo route, like using Instagram to cry about how “lonely” he is and to leave compliments on Karrueche’s posts.
Unfortunately, Karrueche still wants nothing to do with him and has been completely ignoring him. Damn, that might be the smartest thing Karrueche Tran has ever done regarding Chris Brown.
I wonder why Chris Brown is so desperate to get Karrueche Tran back? My guess is that he’s trying to line up an experienced baby sitter for when his Baby Mama moves in down the street. I mean, she’d be perfect – if she could put up with Chris Brown’s temper tantrums for all those years, she can definitely handle a cranky baby for a couple hours.
TMZ says that recent father (and yes, typing that without also adding “and future deadbeat dad” took every ounce of my willpower) Chris Brown is trying to convince the mother of his 9-month-old daughter Royalty to move from her home in Houston, TX to Los Angeles so he can be closer to his kid. Chris’ original fatherhood plan was to fly back and forth between L.A. and Houston, but now he’s interested in seeing her every day. Sources say he recently offered to move his baby and baby mama Nia Guzman from Texas into a house in the Hollywood Hills at his expense.
They also say he’s trying to renegotiate that messy child support arrangement they have. Ever since Chris found out he was the DNA daddy of their baby, he began dumping a ton of cash into her checking account. Then he caught wind that she might be blabbing about him to the press, so he threatened to go to court. Now he’s apparently considering going back to their original arrangement of leaving the lawyers out of it if she moves closer to him. TMZ says Nia Guzman hasn’t decided if she and Royalty will move closer to the source of their royalty checks.
I had to hold my nose for the majority of this story, because something stinks. What’s with Chris Brown’s interest in being Danny fucking Tanner all of a sudden? Or maybe I’m just being a cynical bitch and he’s actually trying to do right for once.
I guess the only way we’ll know whether or not he’s serious about being a daddy is if he starts hanging out with Justin Bieber again. Putting in some practice hours with that grown-up toddler shows real commitment.
Seen above looking like a dirty Q-Tip used to treat one of Barney’s anal warts, Chris Brown was in his home away from home, the court room, on Friday to hear a judge tell him that he’s free. The judge didn’t get to spit those words out, because he was too busy barfing up laughs over Chris looking like Grimace’s dick head.
Chris Brown was put on 5 years of probation in 2009 after he pleaded guilty to Ike Turnering RiRi the night before the Grammys. On top of 5 years probation, The Difficult Brown also got hit with 1,400 hours of community service and he had to take a year-long domestic violence course. Fist Brown managed to keep his inner throbbing asshole in check for about a year, but it came out in 2010 when he threw a fit in his dressing room at Good Morning America and broke a window. After that, he kept the fuckery coming by allegedly stealing a chick’s iPhone, getting into a club fight with Drake and brawling with Frank Ocean in a parking lot, etc, etc, etc. He also failed a drug test and got in trouble for faking some of his community service hours. His probation was revoked in 2013 when he went crazy on a chick after hitting her car with his. He was driving without a valid license at the time. The judge reinstated his probation a few months later and added 1,000 more community service hours as punishment.
The AP says that after all that, Chris Brown is finally done with probation and won’t have to show his face in court until he fucks up again, which will probably happen this week. Don’t worry, the Los Angeles County Probation Department doesn’t have to lay off its entire staff since they no longer have The Difficult Brown to keep them busy. They still have Lindsay Lohan.
Right after the hearing, Chris Brown burped up this tweet (which was later deleted): “IM OFF PROBATION!!!!!!!! Thank the Lord!!!!!!” To which the Lord tweeted, “Don’t thank me, bitch, I saw that purple hair and voted to keep you on probation for life.”
Even though he’s done with probation, Chris still has a conviction on his record, so Canada can still deny him, but nobody tell him that. We need another feel-good story about Drake cackling after a Mountie stamps “DENIED, EH!” on Chris Brown’s customs form.
According to TMZ, shit between talking bareback nut-busting cold sore Chris Brown and his surprise baby mama Nia Guzman isn’t as good as it seems. Apparently Chris found out about his 9-month-old daughter Royalty last month and quickly offered Nia more money than she would have received in child support court in exchange for the promise that she keep her mouth shut about the whole situation. Basically, Chris Brown didn’t want anyone to find out he was a father. “Trust me, I didn’t want anyone to find out Chris Brown was my father either” thought Baby Royalty.
Unfortunately, someone with loose lips started blabbing to the press, and now we all know about it. Chris believes the culprit leaking stories is Nia herself, and he’s pissed. A source (Hi Nia!) says Chris has met with his lawyers to discuss going to a judge and asking for a child support order, which is bad news for Nia, because a child support order means she’ll get significantly less than what he’s paying her now.
To make matters messier, TMZ says Nia’s ex-husband Terry Avery has decided to get involved. Terry, who was married to Nia from 2003 to 2014 and was separated from her when she got knocked-up with Chris Brown’s rage sperm, says he’s aware that Chris Brown has a temper and that if he pulls any shit with Nia or Royalty, or “there will be repercussions”.
Then Royalty came forward and asked if someone would be so kind as to buy her a one-way plane ticket to Canada, so she could get away from this mess and make sure it didn’t follow her.
And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.
As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.
But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night:
I don’t even know why I’m bothering with this post. I’m sure that by the time I hit the publish button, Karkoochie Tran will be spinning on Chris Brown’s anteater nose dick once again. Thank you to the dude laughing in the car for perfectly expressing my thoughts about this.
We’ve seen the words “Karreuche Tran breaks up with Chris Brown again” more than we’ve seen the words “Chris Brown fucked up again” and that’s saying a lot. For the 4,567,910th time (I’m underestimating) in her life, Karmachameleon Tran says that she’s washing her hands clean of Chris Brown’s bullshit and will never go back to him. We’ve heard that all before and we’ll hear it again. Karreuche isn’t leaving Chris Brown, because she finally woke up from the dickmatized haze she was in and realized she’s been dating Chris Brown for years. She’s leaving him, because she can’t deal with him putting a baby into a uterus that doesn’t belong to her. She’s not her for the baby drama. Oh, but she was there for the douche drama? Okay. The full-time Instagram model is probably just mad that this baby’s child support might fuck with her weekly allowance. Karreuche announced her 10,000th break up from The Difficult Brown in this tweet:
Listen. One can only take so much. The best of luck to Chris and his family. No baby drama for me.
— Karrueche Tran (@karrueche) March 4, 2015
Karreuche needs to either rid herself of The Difficult Brown once and for all or she needs to step up her gold digging game by following the 4 Gs: Get married, get a baby, get paid and get out. We all know that in a few months, the paps will take pictures of her babysitting Chris Brown’s kid at Chuck E. Cheese while he’s off bareback boning another trick.
The Baller Alert also says that there’s a chance the kid is not Chris Brown’s daughter. A guy on Instagram claims that he was told the 9-month-old girl is his and he’s been raising her. They obviously need to go to Maury to handle this. If Chris Brown is not the father, I must see that 9-month-old girl get on her feet and do the “Not The Father” dance of joy after finding out she’s not related to The Difficult Brown.
And here’s some pictures that TMZ found of Chris Brown’s maybe baby mother giving you “the spawn of Garfield and Nicole Richie” in her “modeling” pictures.
Pics: Wenn.com, Model Mayhem
So now we know that Chris Brown’s jizz works and he’s able to procreate. Um, my only question is, who wants to stowaway with me on a rocket headed for the another planet?
TMZ says that there’s a human child on this planet who can call The Difficult Brown his father. 25-year-old Chris has a 9-month-old daughter with some 31-year-old model type named Nia. They’ve known each other for a couple of years and they’re supposedly friendly even though they’re not together. TMZ says that as far as they know there’s no formal child support arrangement in place and they’re not sure if The Difficult Brown is giving her cash. Chris Brown is a piece of corroded corn stuck in a turd so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t paying for his kid.
Yes, Chris Brown is a father to a girl. This is seriously happening. Even though his kid is only 9 months old, I’m sure she can already say, “Let’s go on Maury.”
Somewhere, RiRi is blowing out a weed cloud of relief into Leonardo DiCaprio’s b-hole, because she’s probably glad it’s not her. And I don’t know whether or not Karrueche Tran is screaming “NOOOOOOO” while doing the slow wall slide of sadness or if she’s doing the happy dance of glee as her ovary eggs cry tears of relief because they’re glad Chris Brown’s sperm fish never punched their way into them.
Canada is now a great, big beautiful Difficult Brown free wonderland! (Not that kind of “difficult brown,” Sinead. You can unpack your bags now.)
Chris Brown, the ingrown hair in America’s right ass lip, was told by Canadian authorities today to take his ass back home when he tried to get in. The Difficult Brown was supposed to play a show in Montreal tonight and a show in Toronto tomorrow. But he tweeted (and quickly deleted) that Canada, the most polite country in the world, told him he’s not welcome and shut the door on his face. It apparently has everything to do with his criminal record. Canada can ban a trick who has been convicted of assault.
Don’t slow clap for Canada just yet. They still gave us Justin Bieber and haven’t taken him back yet. We will never forget that! But seriously, Canada is one step closer to becoming a magical Utopia. Now all they have to do is take away Justin Bieber’s citizenship, ban him, open up an In-N-Out on every corner and declare that their health care system will cover the good shit.
And I wonder who made the call to get Chris Brown on the ban list?