Category: Chris Brown

The Video For Chris Brown’s “Loyal” Is A Disney Channel Mallrat Mess

March 24, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wondered what kind of fever dream a Hannah Montana choreographer would have if they mainlined Summer’s Eve and melted Zumiez shopping bags with a dirty needle in the parking lot of Universal Studios Orlando, this is it. And yes, Chris Brown is the dirty needle in that scenario. No, scratch that – the whole video is a dirty pile of needles. Everything about “Loyal” made me back further and further away from my laptop, starting with the actual song itself. Newsflash, Chris Brown: just because a ho rats your punk ass out every time you get punchy doesn’t mean they “ain’t loyal”. #thisdumbass

But let’s forget about the song for a second and focus on how lame this video is. We open on Chris Brown (dressed like Jaden Smith) and Lil Wayne skipping around the mall food court like it’s the last day of school and their parents won’t be back to pick them up for 3 whole hours. And just like most aggressively horny 14-year-olds, they spend the entire video cruising for girls. Except they’re not teenagers; they’re grown-ass adults dressed up like teenagers. So, they’re basically Pedobear in swaggy drag. And speaking of Pedobear…

Screen Shot 2014-03-24 at 4.30.54 PM

Did somebody say “Pedobear’s douchebaggy asshole younger brother”? What is this shit? Why is there a guy who’s face has been covered up by a fucked up-looking cartoon bear?? Wait, I think I got it: Pedodouche is the result of a dare gone wrong.

Guy #1: I dare you…..to appear in a Chris Brown video!
Guy #2: Yeah, okay. But on one condition – I don’t have to show my face.
Guy #1: Jokes on you; even with your face covered, it’s still super embarrassing.

Then there’s some more dancing, more girl chasing, a chick cruising Ashley Madison on her phone (because 9 out of 10 women would rather fuck a random creepy businessman in his sad room at the Holiday Inn Express than take their chances with Chris Brown), more dancing like nobody’s watching, Usher in a Davy Crockett hat because why the hell not, and Tyga with a tiger (everyone’s pun-obsessed Aunt just creamed their pajama jeans). I think the takeaway here is that I hope they don’t have wifi in jail, because Chris Brown will get his ass handed to him if the inmates of Cellblock D ever see this G-rated Kids Inc.-looking mess. And by ‘hope they don’t’ I of course mean ‘hope they play this shit in the cafeteria at dinnertime’.

It’s Looking Like Chris Brown Might Pay His Way Out Of Jail

March 20, 2014 / Posted by:

When Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for violating the rules (is there anything he won’t violate?) and was sent to prison, I did a little jig to thank the universe for finally holding him accountable for his actions and putting his ass in an orange jumpsuit of justice. But it looks like jail is too hard for Boo Hoo Brown and he’s gone crying to his lawyers to get him out. Really? Lil’ Babyface Boo Hoo Brown can’t handle pwison? Sadly, it looks like baby might get what baby wants.

According to TMZ, you have one more reason to shake your fist at the universe (don’t shake your ass, I’ve discovered it gets you nowhere). While people like you and I can barely sniffle or slut our way out of a speeding ticket, wealthy assholes like Boo Hoo Brown are able to pay their way out of jail. Boo Hoo was supposed to be killing time in the pokey till his assault trial on April 23rd, but sources say that his lawyer Mark Geragos has contacted the dude he assaulted in DC and has offered to back a dump truck full of cash into his driveway. Because money is delicious, the victim will probably take the cash, tell the judge he’s no longer interested in pursuing a criminal case, then bingo-bango, that Boo Hoo Bitch is out of jail.

But once he gets out, he’ll probably end up back on the inside again, since things on the outside are shitty enough for him to rage punch the closest soft surface. His Barbadian birthday cake bottom bitch RiRi is currently unavailable for snatch-snuggling because she’s busy picking out boring shit like towels and throw pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond with Wheelchair Jimmy. And he can’t go back to his backup benchwarmer piece, Kruncheberry Tran, who’s allegedly broken up with him again because he would’t stop texting everything with a vagina.

“Why does my mobile phone keep receiving pictures of a skinny brown pool noodle?” – Chris Brown’s 1st grade Sunday School teacher, Agnes Franklin.

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The Difficult Brown Is Staying In Jail Until April 23rd

March 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Ladies, mark your calendars. On April 23rd, you’ll have to go back to wearing head-to-toe armor, because on that day Chris Brown and his fists will be released back into civilization. Hopefully sometime between now and then, the jail warden will accidentally swallow Chris’ cell key and then will sort of kind of shit out that key in a rest stop bathroom far, far away. (“But Michael, you dumb bitch, it’s 2014, I don’t think cells operate with keys anymore.” – you “I hate how you always try to ruin my beautiful fantasies.” – me)

The Difficult Brown was kicked out of rehab and sent to jail on Friday after he violated rules. He was supposed to stay in rehab until his assault case in DC is wrapped up, but since he just couldn’t help himself and self-sabotaged his own stupid ass again, he got kicked out of anger management rehab and was sent to jail. Chris was in court in L.A. today to ask the judge to please, please release him. While wearing his signature color “jail house tangerine,” Chris contorted his facial expressions into “sad, wittle puppy” to win sympathy from the judge. The judge wasn’t buying that transparent act and told Chris he has to stay in jail until a jury in the DC case decides if he’s guilty or not. TMZ says that his trial in DC is set for April 17th and Fisty probably won’t be allowed to attend. Judge Obvious let Chris know that he has an “inability to stay out of trouble.” TMZ also says that he was kicked out of rehab for three reasons:

1. He was told to stay at least 2 feet away from every woman in rehab. He wasn’t allowed to touch, grope or punch a lady. But since the words “don’t put your hands on a woman” are about as foreign to this anal wart as the words “don’t touch those cupcakes” are to me, he broke the rules when he touched a woman’s hand and elbow.

2. The Difficult Brown was allowed to leave rehab for one day and when he came back he refused to take a drug test. He later took one and it was negative, but saying no the first time was a violation.

3. During group session, he talked shit about rehab.

The judge also shook his head at that piece of trash when he heard that Chris bragged about being good at using guns and knives in rehab.

So for the next 30-something days, Fist Brown will sit in a jail cell and if he’s found guilty in the DC case, he could face up to 4 years in the chokey for violating probation by committing a felony.

One motherfucker down (for now). Now all we need is for Justin Bieber to be found guilty in that egging shit so the judge can sentence him to spend 30 days in the same jail cell as The Difficult Brown. All that doucheness in such a small space would make that cell explode. But with our luck, they’d fall in love, mate and the Biebs would butt birth out the Four Horsemen.

Pics: Splash

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The Difficult Brown Is Back In Jail After Getting Kicked Out Of Rehab

March 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Because the ingrown pubic hair on humanity’s crotch can’t go more than a second without fucking up, he fucked up today by getting kicked out of rehab.  The Difficult Brown stays difficult.

Earlier this month, Chris Brown finished up the court-ordered 90 days of anger management rehab he was sentenced to by the judge in the RiRi assault case. But just as Chris Brown was about to sashay out of rehab and continue his terror on the streets, the judge told him to stay in rehab for another 60 days until his assault case in DC wraps up. That was the plan, but then he had to go and fuck it up. TMZ says that Chris was kicked out of rehab today for breaking “internal rules.” I figured that “internal rules” was just a professional and technical way of saying that Chris face punched every woman in there and broke all the windows before burning the place down. But TMZ burped out the shocker of all shockers: he didn’t get kicked out for violence for drugs. If Chris Brown gets kicked out of rehab and it wasn’t because he fisted someone in the face, did he really get kicked out?

TMZ doesn’t know the exact reason why. Their source says that he did have “an inappropriate relationship” with a female employee (read: he boned her with his pool noodle peen in the janitor’s closet), but that isn’t the reason why he was shown the exit door. Getting kicked out of rehab is a violation of his probation, so the Sheriff picked him up and drove his ass to jail. He is being held without bail.

This is the second time Chris has been expelled from rehab. Last year, he was kicked out of rehab after throwing a rock at his mom’s car window when she came to visit him.

So he didn’t get kicked out for hitting anyone or for making Mom Breezy smuggle in meth in her butt or for doing an employee, so what else is there? Oh yeah, he probably opened up his mouth and spit out the usual fucked up threats that Chris Brown usually spits out. Or he put on his shitty movie Battle of the Year in the TV room and made everyone watch it. That’ll do it.

Pic: Instagram

The Streets Are Safe Once Again: Chris Brown Has Been Ordered To Return To Rehab

March 1, 2014 / Posted by:

“You claim that your time in rehab has taught you to be less violent. The fact that you chose to assault my eyes with awful Night At The Roxbury-looking suit determines that was a lie.” – What I’m assuming the Judge said to Chris Brown right before he sentenced him back to rehab. And yes, I’m imagining the judge was Maury.

Just four days after trading friendship bracelets and mailing addresses with his best buds on his last day in rehab (“I’ll write you the minute I get home! Camp Rehab forever!”) Chris Brown has been told to pack up his Rescue Rangers duffle bag and hop back on the bus to anger management rehab. Despite successfully completing 95 days (I consider it a success if he doesn’t burn the place to the ground and punch the ashes) he has been ordered to return to rehab for 60 more days:

Superior Court Judge James Brandlin scheduled Brown’s next hearing for April 23. That would come after what’s expected to be a brief assault trial in Washington, D.C., earlier that month.

Prosecutors have asked that Brown be sent to jail for violating probation with his October arrest in the district. In that incident, Brown and his bodyguard are accused of punching a man and breaking his nose outside a hotel. Brown is on probation for his 2009 attack on then-girlfriend, Rihanna.

Brown’s attorneys have asked the judge to await the outcome of the Washington, D.C., case before hearing evidence on whether Brown should go to jail.

And according to a document obtained by TMZ from the facility where he was staying, his extended stint in rehab isn’t just a clever way to skip prison. As it turns out, Chris Brown is that troubled kid from down the street who keeps asking your 8-year-old self if you “wanna see a dead mouse?” and needs some major mental health help:

The facility writes, “Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and untreated PTSD.” They never explain the cause of the PTSD. The letter also says Chris was diagnosed with Bipolar II.

Did I just feel bad for Chris Brown? Yikes. Calgon take me away and Jesus take the wheel.

(Pic: Splash)

Mothers, Lock Up Your Everything: Chris Brown Has Finished His 90 Days In Rehab

February 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Oooh, Justin Bieber just got the fear. Now that Chris Brown is back on the streets, Tantrum Toddler is no longer the baddest boy on the block anymore. Whipping down the street on your Big Wheel and egging houses? Puh-lease. Chris Brown’s gonna school you on how to really egg a house. And by ‘egg a house’, I mean beat someone till you’ve been charged with felony assault‘.

Or maybe those 90-days of court-ordered anger management rehab have rubbed off on him and he’s traded in his bad boy ways for building bird houses and tying knots with his scout troop. I mean, the cynical realist in me says he’s not, but according to Hollywood Life, the sorry slug of a human we call Breezy has emerged from rehab as beautiful, gentle butterfly. Here, hold out your hands so I may distribute several grains of salt:

“He’s back home now and he feels good about it,” a source close to Chris tells Hollywood Life exclusively. After Chris left rehab, he headed to a music video shoot, where he broke out some impressive moves for his new single, “Loyal.” His closest friends then welcomed him back home with open arms.

Now the next step for Chris is to take what he was taught in anger management rehab and apply it to the real world. “He’s trying to take what he learned with him about his anger and relationships with women and his mother and use those skills to make his relationships better,” the source insists.

I don’t want to believe that Chris Brown is a changed boy (I refuse to use the word man) but he did recently Instagram a picture of himself at a benefit dinner and it wasn’t a picture of his fist making contact with the face of one of the two other guys sitting beside him, or him smashing the shit out of the table while flipping everyone off, so…baby steps? What if rehab actually worked and he’s no longer a violent lizard? Hahaha, I know; that’s like saying “Maybe Kim Kardashian is ready for a quiet life of privacy“. But for the sake of trying to be a good person, I sort of hope he has put his Street Fighter ways behind him so we can get back to focusing on what truly matters: the shitty, shitty music he makes.

(Pic: Splash)

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Bitch’s Probation Got Revoked: The Difficult Brown Edition

December 16, 2013 / Posted by:

The Difficult Brown got a day pass from terrorizing people in rehab to go to court and to hear a judge tell him that his probation is revoked. I wished that the judge also revoked that hair color and those glasses, because nobody should go around looking they’re what came out of Sisqo’s butt 9 months after a book worm on meth dropped a raw jizz load in there.

Chris Brown was on probation for beating RiRi, but since he can’t go that long without letting his fist fly, he got arrested in DC in October for getting violent on another dude. E! News says that after L.A. Superior Court Judge James Brandlin reviewed that case, he decided that Chris did break some laws (along with another dude’s nose) and violated his probation. If you or I violated our probation by busting a ho’s face, we’d immediately be tasered and thrown into a small cell with a cholo who sang Linda Ronstadt songs all the time. (My mom worked with a woman whose cholo husband went to prison for grand theft somethingoranother and he used to write letters to Linda Ronstadt all the time. The only way prison would be tolerable is if my cholo roommate serenaded me with “Hay unos ojos” every night.) Anyway, but since Chris Brown is a rich celebrity and is ten stories above the law the judge didn’t send him to prison. Chris didn’t go to prison, because he’s already in court-ordered rehab.

The judge actually patted Chris Brown on the taint for doing well in anger management rehab and told him to keep doing what he’s doing. Chris has to keep doing 24 hours of community service a week and he can swallow his meds, but he can’t swallow any weed smoke, even the medical kind (isn’t it all medical?). Chris can only leave CA to go to a hearing in DC and he’ll have to show his face in court on February 10th for another probation hearing. Once Chris is done with rehab, the judge could send him to jail for messing up his probation.

Chris Brown isn’t going to jail in February and he’s never going to jail ever. The day the Difficult Brown goes to jail for longer than 8 seconds is the day that my tail bone grows into an extra long, always hard bendy dick. So what I’m saying is that I REALLY hope he goes to jail for longer than 8 seconds.

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The Difficult Brown Is Getting Sued For Millions

December 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Dear staff at the receiving anger management rehab center: hide yo chairs, pad yo walls and hope that Chris Brown has learned something in group therapy because the old, ragey asshole Chris will lose his shit over Frank Ocean’s cousin suing him for over $3 million.

TMZ says that Sha’Keir Duarte has filed papers in his lawsuit against Chris, asking for millions in damages stemming from a fight between Fist, Frank and their respective groups of hangers on and bodyguards. The breakdown is $1 million for pain, suffering and inconvenience, $1 million for emotional distress, $1 million for punitive damages and $60k for medical expenses. Chris had already countersued Duarte, falling back on the super-mature argument of toddlers everywhere- “he started it!“.

$60,000 in medical bills?? What kind of fight are we talking here because unless they all took lessons from the queen of the motherfucking throw down, that sounds a bit excessive. Maybe a hospital stay was required after Sha’Keir exhausted himself circling around Chris’s posse for twenty minutes before anybody even threw a punch. Straight thuggin’.

If we’re just going to throw lawsuits at Chris for pain and suffering, I’d like to sue him for a millions just for the emotional distress resulting from going to six fucking weddings where the bride and groom insisted on doing the Forever” entrance, unless he wants to settle it the old fashioned way. He’d better watch his back, because Chris wouldn’t stand a chance against my sweet windmill arm moves and my expert sparring training. COME AT ME, BREEZY!

(Pic: Wenn)

The Difficult Brown Forced To Sit His Ass In Rehab For 90 Days

November 20, 2013 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t been keeping up with the misadventures of The Difficult Brown, he recently checked into rehab, because he wanted to look good for the court after he might’ve violated his probation by allegedly punching a dude outside of a hotel in DC. E! News says that Chris Brown was kicked out of rehab two weeks later after he threw a rock through his mom’s car window when she came to visit him. Isn’t that how this piece of trash greets everyone? I’m sure his enabling ass mom will say that Fist Brown thought she was a little overheated in her car and so he broke the window to give her some air. He is always thinking of others.

Chris and his lawyer were in court today for a progress hearing in the RiRi beating case. The probation department was there and told the judge about how Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for being Chris Brown. The judge ordered Chris back to inpatient rehab for 3 months. He can only leave rehab to do his community service hours and to fly to DC to answer to that misdemeanor assault charge. He will be tested for the bad shit while he’s in rehab. The L.A. District Attorney told the court that she’s going to keep up with the DC case and she doesn’t know if she’s going to ask for his probation to be revoked yet. After court, The Difficult Brown’s spokeswhore shat out this dry hand job of a statement:

“His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”

Baby douche steps, Fist Brown, baby douche steps. His first goal should be to not fucking punch anyone in the face and then he should focus on that other shit. But the good news is that humanity is safe from Chris Brown’s fist for at least 3 months. The bad news for everybody in rehab with him is that they have to walk around with a helmet on and tape pillow cases around his fists when he’s asleep.

And can’t we just send Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Sean Penn, George Zimmerman, Josh Brolin and Mel Gibson to a deserted island and let them all rage on each other? We can call it The Anger Games.

The Difficult Brown Is Out Of Rehab, Aggravated Punchings Predicted To Increase 400%

November 14, 2013 / Posted by:

Well, that was fast. According to E! Online, Chris Brown has said ‘sayonara, suckers’ to rehab and left after only 16 days:

“Chris is continuing his rehab program as an outpatient and is also completing his community service in the Los Angeles area,” Brown’s rep tells E! News in a statement. “He appreciates all of your encouragement and support.”

“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up,” a source told E! News shortly before Rihanna’s former man entered treatment. “He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble.”

“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility,” a rep for the singer said in a statement to E! News at the time. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”

He’s in an outpatient program? That’s great news! Statistically speaking, leaving rehab after a little over two weeks usually works out, right? I mean, what else is there to learn? After 3 sessions with a counsellor, you’re pretty much set. Plus, it’s not like being an aggressive dickhead is the same as having a drug addiction. I know that it took one of my friends over a year to quit smoking, but I’m sure the urge to go crazy on someone’s face is something you can shake in a couple days. Those 16 days in rehab have probably undone years of being told he’s an invincible god of success who doesn’t need to be held accountable for his actions. I’m willing to guess post-rehab Chris Brown will show us a more humble, responsible Chris Brown.

That counts as my good deed for the day, right? It doesn’t?

Okay, well then fuck it, here’s some Miss Cleo realness for you. Chris Brown will be punching someone in the face before the clock strikes midnight tonight. He’s a foolish little shit who only went to rehab because he knows his ass couldn’t handle it in prison. To the counsellors who worked with Chris Brown in rehab: I’m sure every minute you spent with The Difficult felt exactly like taking a difficult shit, but just be thankful he only wasted your time for 16 days.

(Pic via Wenn)

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