On Wednesday night, Drake hosted the ESPY Awards (who won? Basketball won, I dunno) and even though he’s no longer rolling around the halls of Degrassi High, he still managed to bring the bitchy high school drama. During an original song titled “Honorable Mentions/Side Pieces”, Wheelchair Jimmy yanked on his emergency brake and left a set of skid marks all over Macklemore’s Grammy win for Best Rap Album by singing “Real talent doesn’t always win championships, like real music doesn’t always win Grammys” as a giant picture of Macklemore was projected behind him.
No, you didn’t fall into a time suck: the Grammys happened six fucking months ago, and Wheelchair Jimmy already threw a bunch of shade at Macklemore back in February. And I was fine with it then, but not now; Drake has NO RIGHT calling anyone out while wearing a pair of linen capri pants and a floaty casual tunic from Chico’s. Drake looks like he’s auditioning for the lead role in a Nancy Meyers movie. Bitch looks like a human hot flash.
Thankfully Drake dried his tears long enough to film a sketch with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers called “Drake vs Blake (or Blake vs Drake)”, which was funny for the first 2 minutes and 4 seconds, but then Chris Brown’s ugly malnourished weasel mug popped into frame and I stopped laughing:
Chris Brown was pretending to be a surgeon who was about to operate on Drake. Makes sense – he’s a pro at putting people in the hospital.
And RIP to Normal Guy Dave, because the second Drake described Blake Griffin as looking like “a black guy that jumped into a pile of Cheetos”, Britney Spears told him she’s found someone new and began frantically searching the internet for a giant net and the location of the Clippers locker room.
Dump all your homemade ZzzQuil and pull the pillows out of storage, you can finally sleep at night now that you know Drake and Chris Brown no longer hate each other with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. This picture of Wheelchair Jimmy and the human impacted wisdom tooth acting all palsy-walsy in a recording studio last night made its way to Instagram, and TMZ has taken as a sign that they’ve buried the hatchet and are maybe, possibly recording a song together.
In case you’ve forgotten and/or never gave a single crumbly shit in the first place (good for you), their feud began back in 2009 after Chris Brown went all Chris Brown-y on Rihanna before the Grammys. Wheelchair Jimmy swore on his emergency brake that he’d track down Chris Brown like a swaggy Inigo Montoya and extract vengeance against the man who roughed up his soulmate. Three years later, Wheelchair Jimmy rolled into Chris Brown in a club in NYC and sent a dozen broken bottles flying at his face, and the two became sworn enemies ever since.
I guess both of them fell into a coma and forgot that they’re supposed to be the rap version of Garfield and Nermal, because now it appears they’re BFFs who hang out in the recording studio in their sweatpants drinking out of red Solo cups. And I guess I need a brain scan, because that’s what’s bothering me most about this picture: those sweatpants. I’m hoping this is actually a picture of Drake and his cousin (who looks like he’s making a dookie in his underoos) when they were toddlers, because there is no reason for why two grown-ass men should be hanging out in sweatpants together.
If you watched the video of kindergarden ass cramp Justin Bieber gleefully telling a racist joke and your first thought was “I really wish someone would punch him in the face”, now is the time to cross your fingers and wish like you were blowing out the candles on a damn birthday cake, because TMZ says the crown prince of rage Chris Brown is back on the streets! And since it’s only a matter of time before he takes a swing at something, wouldn’t it be great if that something was an shitty entitled Canadian asshole?
Look, don’t get me wrong – if I had to choose, I think I’d rather Chris Brown not punch anything at all. But since Chris Brown is like an infected hemorrhoid that just keeps getting bigger and juicier, I won’t hold my breath. Especially since he’s being released from jail early. On May 9th, Chris Brown was sentenced to a year in the pokey for violating his parole after one of his fists went loco on a guy’s face in DC back in October 2013. However, the judge took pity on his ass and gave him credit for the 116 days he’d spent in rehab and the 59 days he spent behind bars, so he only had to play Orange Is The New Black for 131 days.
I guess the jail he was locked up in is run by the same easy-going art teacher who ran detention at my high school and let everyone go early so she could get high in her Subaru Outback, because around midnight last night, Chris Brown was released 23 days early. Why? No reason was given. But if I had to guess, it was probably because they were sick of looking at his ass.
If Chris Brown really wants to stay out of prison, the only way he should be leaving the house is Hannibal Lecter-style. But since he won’t, expect to see the headline “CHRIS BROWN ARRESTED FOR PUNCHING SOMEONE WHO LOOKED AT HIM THE WRONG WAY” in the next couple of days.
So, TMZ says that Chris Brown was ordered to 131 more days in jail, which may make you scream out, “YAAAASSS,” until your tonsils pop. But your “YAASSS” may turn into a “NOOOO,” because he’ll probably get out sometime next week due to overcrowding and time served.
For the past few weeks, people partying at clubs have wondered to themselves, “Hmmm, something seems off here. Why isn’t a bottle flying toward my head and why isn’t a fist hitting my cheek?” The answer: Because Chris Brown has been locked up. The Difficult Brown was thrown into jail in mid-March after he got kicked out of rehab (AGAIN) for breaking several rules. He was back in court today in L.A. for a probation violation hearing. Fist Brown was charged with assault in DC after he punched a dude outside of the W Hotel. That is a violation of his probation in the RiRi beating case and in today’s hearing he admitted to committing assault in DC.
For violating probation, the judge sentenced him to 1 year in jail. But that 1 year will be chipped down to just a few days. Chris gets credit for the 59 days he’s been in jail and the 116 days in spent in rehab. TMZ also says that the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department has been releasing jail birds sentenced to 1 year after 240 days due to overcrowding. And for every 1 day he’s served in jail, he gets credit for 2 days. So when I do the math in my head (read: a calculator, because math is hard), he gets credit for 234 days which means he’ll only have to serve 6 days.
People says that the judge told Chris that he could’ve sentenced him to 4 years, but he took into account that he was young when he beat RiRi and that he’s been diagnosed as bi-polar.
Maybe while he was locked up, they gave the Difficult Brown the help he needs and after having some time to reflect, he realized that fisting a person in the face when he gets mad at them is not the way. When he gets out, he’ll recruit Justin Bieber and Lindsay Lohan and together they’ll open up a rehab center in the country where they’ll rehabilitate asshole celebrities into upstanding members of society. And maybe a flock of flying dildos will fly out of my asshole and my lonely tears will magically transform the orange body pillow I call Pillow Hot Ginge into the real thing. Hey, it can happen!
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of fever dream a Hannah Montana choreographer would have if they mainlined Summer’s Eve and melted Zumiez shopping bags with a dirty needle in the parking lot of Universal Studios Orlando, this is it. And yes, Chris Brown is the dirty needle in that scenario. No, scratch that – the whole video is a dirty pile of needles. Everything about “Loyal” made me back further and further away from my laptop, starting with the actual song itself. Newsflash, Chris Brown: just because a ho rats your punk ass out every time you get punchy doesn’t mean they “ain’t loyal”. #thisdumbass
But let’s forget about the song for a second and focus on how lame this video is. We open on Chris Brown (dressed like Jaden Smith) and Lil Wayne skipping around the mall food court like it’s the last day of school and their parents won’t be back to pick them up for 3 whole hours. And just like most aggressively horny 14-year-olds, they spend the entire video cruising for girls. Except they’re not teenagers; they’re grown-ass adults dressed up like teenagers. So, they’re basically Pedobear in swaggy drag. And speaking of Pedobear…
Did somebody say “Pedobear’s douchebaggy asshole younger brother”? What is this shit? Why is there a guy who’s face has been covered up by a fucked up-looking cartoon bear?? Wait, I think I got it: Pedodouche is the result of a dare gone wrong.
Guy #1: I dare you…..to appear in a Chris Brown video!
Guy #2: Yeah, okay. But on one condition – I don’t have to show my face.
Guy #1: Jokes on you; even with your face covered, it’s still super embarrassing.
Then there’s some more dancing, more girl chasing, a chick cruising Ashley Madison on her phone (because 9 out of 10 women would rather fuck a random creepy businessman in his sad room at the Holiday Inn Express than take their chances with Chris Brown), more dancing like nobody’s watching, Usher in a Davy Crockett hat because why the hell not, and Tyga with a tiger (everyone’s pun-obsessed Aunt just creamed their pajama jeans). I think the takeaway here is that I hope they don’t have wifi in jail, because Chris Brown will get his ass handed to him if the inmates of Cellblock D ever see this G-rated Kids Inc.-looking mess. And by ‘hope they don’t’ I of course mean ‘hope they play this shit in the cafeteria at dinnertime’.
When Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for violating the rules (is there anything he won’t violate?) and was sent to prison, I did a little jig to thank the universe for finally holding him accountable for his actions and putting his ass in an orange jumpsuit of justice. But it looks like jail is too hard for Boo Hoo Brown and he’s gone crying to his lawyers to get him out. Really? Lil’ Babyface Boo Hoo Brown can’t handle pwison? Sadly, it looks like baby might get what baby wants.
According to TMZ, you have one more reason to shake your fist at the universe (don’t shake your ass, I’ve discovered it gets you nowhere). While people like you and I can barely sniffle or slut our way out of a speeding ticket, wealthy assholes like Boo Hoo Brown are able to pay their way out of jail. Boo Hoo was supposed to be killing time in the pokey till his assault trial on April 23rd, but sources say that his lawyer Mark Geragos has contacted the dude he assaulted in DC and has offered to back a dump truck full of cash into his driveway. Because money is delicious, the victim will probably take the cash, tell the judge he’s no longer interested in pursuing a criminal case, then bingo-bango, that Boo Hoo Bitch is out of jail.
But once he gets out, he’ll probably end up back on the inside again, since things on the outside are shitty enough for him to rage punch the closest soft surface. His Barbadian birthday cake bottom bitch RiRi is currently unavailable for snatch-snuggling because she’s busy picking out boring shit like towels and throw pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond with Wheelchair Jimmy. And he can’t go back to his backup benchwarmer piece, Kruncheberry Tran, who’s allegedly broken up with him again because he would’t stop texting everything with a vagina.
“Why does my mobile phone keep receiving pictures of a skinny brown pool noodle?” – Chris Brown’s 1st grade Sunday School teacher, Agnes Franklin.
Ladies, mark your calendars. On April 23rd, you’ll have to go back to wearing head-to-toe armor, because on that day Chris Brown and his fists will be released back into civilization. Hopefully sometime between now and then, the jail warden will accidentally swallow Chris’ cell key and then will sort of kind of shit out that key in a rest stop bathroom far, far away. (“But Michael, you dumb bitch, it’s 2014, I don’t think cells operate with keys anymore.” – you “I hate how you always try to ruin my beautiful fantasies.” – me)
The Difficult Brown was kicked out of rehab and sent to jail on Friday after he violated rules. He was supposed to stay in rehab until his assault case in DC is wrapped up, but since he just couldn’t help himself and self-sabotaged his own stupid ass again, he got kicked out of anger management rehab and was sent to jail. Chris was in court in L.A. today to ask the judge to please, please release him. While wearing his signature color “jail house tangerine,” Chris contorted his facial expressions into “sad, wittle puppy” to win sympathy from the judge. The judge wasn’t buying that transparent act and told Chris he has to stay in jail until a jury in the DC case decides if he’s guilty or not. TMZ says that his trial in DC is set for April 17th and Fisty probably won’t be allowed to attend. Judge Obvious let Chris know that he has an “inability to stay out of trouble.” TMZ also says that he was kicked out of rehab for three reasons:
1. He was told to stay at least 2 feet away from every woman in rehab. He wasn’t allowed to touch, grope or punch a lady. But since the words “don’t put your hands on a woman” are about as foreign to this anal wart as the words “don’t touch those cupcakes” are to me, he broke the rules when he touched a woman’s hand and elbow.
2. The Difficult Brown was allowed to leave rehab for one day and when he came back he refused to take a drug test. He later took one and it was negative, but saying no the first time was a violation.
3. During group session, he talked shit about rehab.
The judge also shook his head at that piece of trash when he heard that Chris bragged about being good at using guns and knives in rehab.
So for the next 30-something days, Fist Brown will sit in a jail cell and if he’s found guilty in the DC case, he could face up to 4 years in the chokey for violating probation by committing a felony.
One motherfucker down (for now). Now all we need is for Justin Bieber to be found guilty in that egging shit so the judge can sentence him to spend 30 days in the same jail cell as The Difficult Brown. All that doucheness in such a small space would make that cell explode. But with our luck, they’d fall in love, mate and the Biebs would butt birth out the Four Horsemen.
Because the ingrown pubic hair on humanity’s crotch can’t go more than a second without fucking up, he fucked up today by getting kicked out of rehab. The Difficult Brown stays difficult.
Earlier this month, Chris Brown finished up the court-ordered 90 days of anger management rehab he was sentenced to by the judge in the RiRi assault case. But just as Chris Brown was about to sashay out of rehab and continue his terror on the streets, the judge told him to stay in rehab for another 60 days until his assault case in DC wraps up. That was the plan, but then he had to go and fuck it up. TMZ says that Chris was kicked out of rehab today for breaking “internal rules.” I figured that “internal rules” was just a professional and technical way of saying that Chris face punched every woman in there and broke all the windows before burning the place down. But TMZ burped out the shocker of all shockers: he didn’t get kicked out for violence for drugs. If Chris Brown gets kicked out of rehab and it wasn’t because he fisted someone in the face, did he really get kicked out?
TMZ doesn’t know the exact reason why. Their source says that he did have “an inappropriate relationship” with a female employee (read: he boned her with his pool noodle peen in the janitor’s closet), but that isn’t the reason why he was shown the exit door. Getting kicked out of rehab is a violation of his probation, so the Sheriff picked him up and drove his ass to jail. He is being held without bail.
This is the second time Chris has been expelled from rehab. Last year, he was kicked out of rehab after throwing a rock at his mom’s car window when she came to visit him.
So he didn’t get kicked out for hitting anyone or for making Mom Breezy smuggle in meth in her butt or for doing an employee, so what else is there? Oh yeah, he probably opened up his mouth and spit out the usual fucked up threats that Chris Brown usually spits out. Or he put on his shitty movie Battle of the Year in the TV room and made everyone watch it. That’ll do it.
“You claim that your time in rehab has taught you to be less violent. The fact that you chose to assault my eyes with awful Night At The Roxbury-looking suit determines that was a lie.” – What I’m assuming the Judge said to Chris Brown right before he sentenced him back to rehab. And yes, I’m imagining the judge was Maury.
Just four days after trading friendship bracelets and mailing addresses with his best buds on his last day in rehab (“I’ll write you the minute I get home! Camp Rehab forever!”) Chris Brown has been told to pack up his Rescue Rangers duffle bag and hop back on the bus to anger management rehab. Despite successfully completing 95 days (I consider it a success if he doesn’t burn the place to the ground and punch the ashes) he has been ordered to return to rehab for 60 more days:
Superior Court Judge James Brandlin scheduled Brown’s next hearing for April 23. That would come after what’s expected to be a brief assault trial in Washington, D.C., earlier that month.
Prosecutors have asked that Brown be sent to jail for violating probation with his October arrest in the district. In that incident, Brown and his bodyguard are accused of punching a man and breaking his nose outside a hotel. Brown is on probation for his 2009 attack on then-girlfriend, Rihanna.
Brown’s attorneys have asked the judge to await the outcome of the Washington, D.C., case before hearing evidence on whether Brown should go to jail.
And according to a document obtained by TMZ from the facility where he was staying, his extended stint in rehab isn’t just a clever way to skip prison. As it turns out, Chris Brown is that troubled kid from down the street who keeps asking your 8-year-old self if you “wanna see a dead mouse?” and needs some major mental health help:
The facility writes, “Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and untreated PTSD.” They never explain the cause of the PTSD. The letter also says Chris was diagnosed with Bipolar II.
Did I just feel bad for Chris Brown? Yikes. Calgon take me away and Jesus take the wheel.
Oooh, Justin Bieber just got the fear. Now that Chris Brown is back on the streets, Tantrum Toddler is no longer the baddest boy on the block anymore. Whipping down the street on your Big Wheel and egging houses? Puh-lease. Chris Brown’s gonna school you on how to really egg a house. And by ‘egg a house’, I mean ‘beat someone till you’ve been charged with felony assault‘.
Or maybe those 90-days of court-ordered anger management rehab have rubbed off on him and he’s traded in his bad boy ways for building bird houses and tying knots with his scout troop. I mean, the cynical realist in me says he’s not, but according to Hollywood Life, the sorry slug of a human we call Breezy has emerged from rehab as beautiful, gentle butterfly. Here, hold out your hands so I may distribute several grains of salt:
“He’s back home now and he feels good about it,” a source close to Chris tells Hollywood Life exclusively. After Chris left rehab, he headed to a music video shoot, where he broke out some impressive moves for his new single, “Loyal.” His closest friends then welcomed him back home with open arms.
Now the next step for Chris is to take what he was taught in anger management rehab and apply it to the real world. “He’s trying to take what he learned with him about his anger and relationships with women and his mother and use those skills to make his relationships better,” the source insists.
I don’t want to believe that Chris Brown is a changed boy (I refuse to use the word man) but he did recently Instagram a picture of himself at a benefit dinner and it wasn’t a picture of his fist making contact with the face of one of the two other guys sitting beside him, or him smashing the shit out of the table while flipping everyone off, so…baby steps? What if rehab actually worked and he’s no longer a violent lizard? Hahaha, I know; that’s like saying “Maybe Kim Kardashian is ready for a quiet life of privacy“. But for the sake of trying to be a good person, I sort of hope he has put his Street Fighter ways behind him so we can get back to focusing on what truly matters: the shitty, shitty music he makes.