It’s nice to see that things between World’s Best Dad…mug owner Chris Brown and the mother of his daughter, Nia Guzman, are still a mess as usual. It all started yesterday when Nia announced that their almost two-year-old daughter Royalty has asthma and accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed and cigarettes more than their kid, and he’s constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke. Nia says Royalty usually comes home from Daddy’s house smelling like Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding reception, and she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.
Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to make happen. Nia also wants a judge to add a couple zeros to her monthly child support checks. Nia is currently getting $2500, but wants that changed to $16,000. This isn’t the first time Nia has come for Chris’ cash; back in July, Nia was trying to get $15,000 a month. Sadly, she was about as successful at getting money as Chris Brown is at not saying dumb shit, and that’s how she ended up at $2500 a month.
Speaking of Chris Brown saying dumb shit. Shortly after Nia accused him of fucking up Royalty’s lungs with second-hand smoke, TMZ says that Chris released a statement of his own on Instagram, which has since been yanked down. Chris side-eyed Nia’s claims that Royalty got asthma from his smoking. Chris says he quit smoking cigarettes on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter. According to Chris, Nia is just trying to stuff more money into her bank account. “Well DUH” said Nia’s shameless $16,000 a month child support request.
Chris says he stopped smoking cigarettes, but he failed to mention anything about not smoking weed. Although he doesn’t exactly have to. That busted Venus de Milo tattoo on his head is all the proof a judge needs that Chris Brown is in a committed long-term relationship with drugs.
Regardless of whether or not Chris Brown is the reason Royalty has asthma, one thing is obvious; Nia needs to work on her get money game. You’ve got to keep it simple, Nia! Forget about the asthma story – I’m sure a judge would have accepted the following: “Your honor, my child is exposed to Chris Brown. Can I have more money please?”
Is there’s a word for when your defense makes you seem like even more of a dick than what you were accused of? I’m going to call it an Asshole’s Alibi. So Chris Brown has finally opened up his mouth about the woman who accused him of punching her in the face during an early-morning party in his hotel room in Las Vegas yesterday, and out came an asshole’s alibi.
TMZ says that Chris Brown responded to Liziane Gutierrez’s accusation that he punched her in the face by throwing up a video (and then immediately yanking it down) where he accused her of being a liar who was never even at the party because she was “too ugly” to get in. Chris thinks Liziane made up the face-punching story because she’s after some cash. You can watch that here, if you would like to see a rough-looking Chris Brown defending his spotless reputation. He also called out Liziane on Instagram, because of course he did.
Chris Brown’s people are also side-eying Liziane’s story. A rep tells TMZ that Liziane was kicked out of the party on Saturday morning for being an out-of-control disaster. Once she was in the hallway, she turned into a loud mess who started screaming that she could “buy everyone in the hotel.” They also say she never had a phone inside his room, and there was no picture taken. Wait, so does this mean she was in the room? Somebody better sit Chris Brown down with his reps and tell them to get their stories straight.
One of the things Chris Brown mentions while dragging Liziane is her appearance in a video with Jason Derulo. According to TMZ, that would be the time Liziane Gutierrez was left behind at a club by Jason Derulo and her friends back in August. Shortly after, a pissed-off Liziane sort-of accused Jason Derulo of making her friends do things they didn’t want to do. I don’t know if that means anything in regards to the face-punching accusation, but I do know this: finding out your girls ditched your ass at the club so they could party with the dude who sings “Talk Dirty“? Liziane needs to get some better friends.
Pic: Chris Brown
I don’t know if the Guinness people keep track of this kind of thing, but surely this is some kind of world record. Less than 48 hours into the new year, and already we have our first “Chris Brown went Chris Brown on someone” story of 2016. According to TMZ, a woman named Liziane Gutierrez is claiming that Chris Brown punched her in the face during a private party in his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas early this morning. Chris was in Las Vegas for a performance at Drai’s last night.
Liziane Gutierrez says it happened after she tried to take a picture of him. Apparently she was able to sneak her cellphone into the party without his security team noticing, so she decided to take a picture. Why you would want a picture of Chris Brown’s face, I don’t know. But she did, and and once he noticed she had taken a picture, he allegedly started screaming at her and punched her once in her right eye.
TMZ says Liziane left the party and called the police, but she wasn’t taken to the hospital. The police tell TMZ they’re currently investigating this mess, and confirm that Chris Brown is the suspect. A rep for Chris Brown says the allegations are “undeniably untrue.”
All of this is still in the ‘alleged’ stage right now, so not too many details are known. But one thing we do know for sure is this: that Chris Brown’s sober companion Scott Disick is doing a shitty fucking job of keeping his ass out of trouble.
Here’s Chris Brown looking like the long-lost member of The Midnight Society a few hours before it allegedly all went down.
I’d say you should go ahead and file this under “Terrible Fucking Ideas“, but I’m pretty sure that typing their names plus the words “sober companion” was enough for my computer to recognize it as some kind of error and did it itself.
TMZ says that professional Steff McKee cosplayer Scott Disick and Anger’s closest living DNA match Chris Brown have been hanging out a lot, and apparently they’re not bonding over how many times they’ve rudely cut in line at Craig’s and heard a bunch of people whisper “Asshole” under their breath. Sources close to Scott and Chris (okay, so Kris Jenner using three throwaway email addresses, got it) claim that they are joined at the hip because both of them are trying to stay dry. Something that is nearly impossible, since they’re both 98% douche, and douche is a liquid.
Both Scott Disick and Chris Brown have gotten the dirty side-eye for being drunk messes, and Scott’s problems were eventually worked into a time-filling secondary story line on Keeping Up With Kris’ Skanky Daughters. Normally it’s a recipe for disaster when two people who get horny for booze get together, but they both think they can help each other stay sober.
At the very least, they can both remind the other one that they have a kid at home who probably doesn’t want their daddy getting sloppy at the club and that it might be time to switch to Shirley Temples. Or just read whatever Kris Jenner wrote on the KUWTK kue kard that she slipped into their pockets before they went out.
Here’s more of Scott and Chris putting in some sober buddy overtime while leaving 1 Oak in Los Angeles together last week. Yes, 1 Oak is a club. Listen, I never said they were any good at their jobs.
Chris Brown was scheduled to be on The Daily Show last night, but it was Nick Cannon who sat across from Trevor Noah and not the ingrown hair clinging to humanity’s asshole. Chris was reportedly replaced after several TDS staffers screamed “OUTRAGE!” over him being booked. On top of that, Chris Brown’s upcoming tour dates in Australia and New Zealand were flushed down the toilet, because his lawyers were unable to convince officials to un-ban his ass.
RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
“Damn, Australia, that’s cold. You know there’s no good reason for him being anywhere” – is what I imagine that guy in the bandanna behind Chris Brown is thinking.
Last week, Australia got a standing ovation from humanity when they told Chris Brown they didn’t want his ass-whooping ass stepping foot in their country during the down under leg of his tour in December. Sadly, cheers of “FACK YIS!” might not be enough to keep him from visiting. TMZ says that Australia has given Chris Brown a Notice of Intention to Consider Refusal, which is a lot of fancy words that mean they’re giving him the chance to prove why he deserves to enter the country.
Currently, Australia’s plan is to deny Chris Brown a visa, but they want to hear Breezy explain why they should grant him one. They’ve given him 28 days to come up with a good reason. And he might want to get working on that shit sooner than later, considering tickets for his Australian tour dates go on sale Monday.
So far Chris Brown hasn’t really commented on this mess, but that could be because he’s too busy planning his upcoming six-show residency at Drai’s in Las Vegas. Hmmm, I wonder how committed Las Vegas is to that “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” slogan.
Anyone who has ever read anything written by Chris Brown knows that Australia is in for a next-level headache when they receive his NICR letter. First of all, it’s definitely going to come in the form of an Instagram comment. Second, it’s going to read like a 3am text from a drunk roommate who forgot their keys for the 4,027th time.
“Australia, WHY? Why r u doing this? For real, this is a real punk bitch move. I AM PISSED! All i wanted 2 do was sing and maybe fight that buff kangaroo. i hate u. LET ME IN!“
Be careful what you wish for, Australia.
Australia has joined Canada, Britain and New Zealand in closing their front doors to Chris Brown and declaring their land a Difficult Brown-free zone. By the way, “the land down under is a difficult brown-free zone” is also another way to tell your piece that you’re not into ass sex.
Chris Brown is supposed to take his tour to Australia and New Zealand in December, but that’s not going to happen if his name ends up on the Banned Bitch list right under Floyd Mayweather’s name. Floyd Mayweather is banned from Australia because he has pleaded guilty to domestic abuse and Chris Brown may be banned for the same reason. Australia has let it be known that they may take a Vegemite-infused shit on Chris Brown’s visa application because he’s a convicted lady beater. By the way, in my mind, if Chris Brown tries to get into Australia, Ja’mie King will be waiting at the front gate like:
According to CNN, Australia’s Minister for Women, Michaelia Cash (that’s my drag name, by the way), said in a press conference that the country’s immigration minister may deny Chris Brown’s visa and if it was solely up to her, she would’ve rejected it already.
“I’m clearly not going to preempt a decision by the minister, however I can assure you what my strong recommendation would be. People need to understand — if you are going to commit domestic violence and then you want to travel around the world, there are going to be countries that say to you, ‘You cannot come in because you are not of the character that we expect in Australia.”
The community advocacy group GetUp! has also started an online petition telling the government to ban Chris Brown. The petition has almost 13,000 signatures so far.
Okay, wait. So if Australia bans Chris Brown and even more countries follow by also banning him, he won’t be allowed to go anywhere else on the planet, which means us Americans will be stuck with him every single day. THE HELL? I mean, Australia may ban the Difficult Brown, but they’re not going to take back Iggy Azalea? The same goes with Canada. They won’t take Chris Brown, but they won’t take Justin Bieber back either! We should take this as a threat. They’re all trying to destroy us the same way Chris Brown is trying to destroy my retinas by wearing those jorts in public.
There must be a rumor going around the Kardashian Fan Klub that one can harness their fame whore powers by grabbing a clump of their 100% Hellbeast hair extensions, because last night someone tried to yank on Kylie Jenner’s hair. For those of you looking at the picture above and wondering if that’s the face Kylie made when it happened, no it’s not. It’s actually a picture of Kylie at a candy store opening earlier this week. And if I had to guess, I’d say she’s probably doing her best “how Kim Kardashian got famous” face.
According to TMZ, Kylie almost had a “man down” before watching her boyfriend Tyga perform with Chris Brown at a show in Anaheim last night. Thankfully it happened close to home, so Pimp Mama Kris’ tune-up crew didn’t have to travel very far to readjust her #1 girl. Although technically, saying “close to home” is sort of redundant, considering Chris Brown is one more country closer to being banned from everywhere.
Kylie, who still has green hair and still looks like the trampy younger sister of Sailor Neptune, was walking through a crowd of her adoring fans when one of them decided to see whether Kylie was wearing a wig or not. Unfortunately for that fan, Kylie still has some of her original parts, once of which is her hair, and they failed to get a Kardashian Kheepsake.
I’m sure Kim has already called TMZ up and begged for a copy of that video so she can play it on a loop at Kylie’s employee of the month celebration.
That “help me” side-eye says everything that needs to be said and the post should probably end here.
Chris Brown’s custody/money fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Royalty, has come to an end and he got everything he wanted and she got everything she didn’t want. TMZ says that Nia Guzman was fighting for sole custody. She wanted Chris to only get supervised visits and she also wanted $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in Houston popped that dream bubble hovering above Nia’s head.
This morning, the judge declared that Chris and Nia will share 50/50 custody of Royalty, which means the child will be shuffled back and forth between her daddy’s house and her mommy’s house every 4 days. Chris and Nia both live in L.A. right now. And Nia can go ahead and stop negotiating the lease on a brand new Bentley and she can stop shopping for an upgraded condo, because she’s not getting that $15,000 a month. The judge ordered that Chris Brown has to pay her the same amount he’s currently paying her: $2,500 a month.
Well, since Royalty will be living with Chris Brown half of the time, his gang member friends can teach her some gang signs which she can show her little classmates during kindergarten show-and-tell in a few years. So there’s that.
But really, since it’s Friday and there’s a fully stocked bong calling my name, I’m going to try to think positively. Chris Brown has proven time and time again that he’s an oozing foreskin pimple that shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi, but maybe being a full-time father will soften his violent asshole ways. Miracles do happen! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twins. It looked like their future was seriously bleak for a while, but I haven’t really heard anything about them lately, so maybe their parents finally got their shit together? (Cut to Charlie and Brooke’s twins living a happy, healthy life in the mountains with their new family, the wolves, while their parents haven’t even realized that they’re gone.)