Prophet Justin Bieber Says We Will All Regret Not Celebrating Chris Brown’s Genius While He’s Still Alive
Street prophet Justin Bieber cinched up his big boy pants (the full length ones!), pulled on his best socks and slides combo and stood on his corner soapbox to warn us citizens of humanity that we’re going to be really, really, super sorry for not supporting the unmistakeable talent and superstardom of his most bestest friend in the whole wide world while we had the chance! No, you have not been transported back to the year AD 20 when Jesus was walking among us making miracles happen. Sadly you are still stuck in AD 2019 and Justin is talking about none other than Chris Brown. Yes, that Chris Brown. The Biebs thinks that Chris is the #1 singer in the world and therefore we should overlook the “little” acts of his assholery and abuses towards women or we’ll all be sorry when he’s dead, just like we were over the premature deaths of Michael Jackson and Tupac Shakur. You hear that? We’ll all be sorry!
Washington state is inches away from passing a bill that will end clock changes and make it Pacific Daylight Time year-round. Sloth-like humans are saying HELL YES to the change, with only a few sadists in the state House voting to continue the evil tradition of rising in pitch blackness in the bowels of winter with a Vote of 89 to 7. Regardless of this potential bucking of the system and upset of the status quo, the world is still spinning, the birds are still chirping, and Chris Brown is still being an asshole. In other words, nothing has changed. There’s a new tale of Chris Brown assholery today, this time against the Scottish band Chvrches, who publicly stated their disappointment in DJ/Producer Marshmello for working with Chris and Tyga on an upcoming project.
Go ahead and put September 13 in your calendar now as the date you absolutely 100% need to stay home and wash your hair, your American Girl Doll’s hair, your cat’s hair, your neighbor’s hair, all the hair, because September 13 is the first confirmed date of the just announced Chris Brown and Nicki Minaj joint Summer/Fall tour. Just when you didn’t think the world could get a little more Ew, No or WTF?, a planned tour between Chris Brown and Nicki Minaj goes and happens.
Rich people fighting over stupid shit annoys me, so you can imagine how many times I sighed and rolled my eyes when I heard that Chris Brown and Cardi B’s stalker/husband Offset were fighting over the impending deportation of Atlanta’s own 21 Savage. The two of them got into a virtual pissing contest where they both promised to beat each other up. Listen, don’t talk about it BE ABOUT IT! If you gonna smack him, smack him! Unfortunately, they’re only in the preliminary stages of this fight because they’re still trading jabs at each other online.
So you know how 21 Savage is in the custody of ICE and is in danger of being deported, even though his lawyer says he never lied to the US government and has been trying to get a visa for several years now? Well, crusty hemorrhoid, Chris Brown, decided he would make fun of it because it worked out so well for Demi Lovato. Can you guess what happened next? People got pissed at Chris. Namely, Cardi B‘s on-again husband, Offset.
Chris Brown was arrested in Paris after a 24-year-old woman accused him of rape. Le police reportedly had problems with the woman’s statements and he was released and allowed to leave France. His French lawyer followed this up by announcing that Chris would be suing the unidentified woman for defamation. Ok, Chris, it’s highly doubtful you’re going to lose any of your obviously already masochistic fans over this, but it’s expected, so – fine. But now he’s selling merchandise calling his accuser a “bitch” and announcing she’s “lyin'” according to Uproxx. Yes, Chris Brown is trying to capitalize off of being accused of rape. Ugh, get off Zazzle and sit the eff down.