Canada is now a great, big beautiful Difficult Brown free wonderland! (Not that kind of “difficult brown,” Sinead. You can unpack your bags now.)
Chris Brown, the ingrown hair in America’s right ass lip, was told by Canadian authorities today to take his ass back home when he tried to get in. The Difficult Brown was supposed to play a show in Montreal tonight and a show in Toronto tomorrow. But he tweeted (and quickly deleted) that Canada, the most polite country in the world, told him he’s not welcome and shut the door on his face. It apparently has everything to do with his criminal record. Canada can ban a trick who has been convicted of assault.
Don’t slow clap for Canada just yet. They still gave us Justin Bieber and haven’t taken him back yet. We will never forget that! But seriously, Canada is one step closer to becoming a magical Utopia. Now all they have to do is take away Justin Bieber’s citizenship, ban him, open up an In-N-Out on every corner and declare that their health care system will cover the good shit.
And I wonder who made the call to get Chris Brown on the ban list?
I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?
But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.
Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:
That sound you just heard was James Brown and Michael Jackson dragging a cloud-shaped chair across the floor in Heaven and telling that delusional trick to have a seat.
Earlier this morning, the human definition of the words “Oh, fuck right off” pulled out his phone, opened up Twitter, and proceeded to remind us all that he’s still Noted Asshole Type Chris Brown by tweeting a list of legendary music greats that included James Brown, Michael Jackson, and for some mind-boggling reason, Chris Brown. Apparently EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE didn’t make the cut. Oh well, I’m sure that Stevie Wonder, Al Green, and the ghost of Marvin Gaye just breathed a huge sigh of relief, because honestly, being mentioned in the same sentence as Chris Brown is a mug you don’t wanna chug.
But James Brown and MJ better watch their backs, because it sounds like that hungry bitch Breezy is coming for their asses:
Well, he’s not wrong. He’s already the greatest at dragging his piece on Instagram, the greatest reason to stay out of the club, and the greatest at getting his ass kicked out of rehab. So what does he want to be the greatest of this time? Greatest at being a mess and getting your probation revoked multiple times? I believe in you, Chris Brown!
And I’m still not clear on why Chris Brown included himself in that list with James Brown and Michael Jackson. It’s clearly not talent based. Maybe it’s just a random list of famous singers from oldest to youngest, or a list of the last 3 Wikipedia pages he read? That’s got to be it.
Some dudes choke the chicken and others like Justin Bieber choke the cock.
Dried smegma dingle Justin Bieber shat up this picture on Instagram of him getting kinky with fellow shit head Chris Brown. I know, these two were in the same room together and nobody unleashed a hungry tiger into the room before locking the door. What is wrong with people?!
Those two really go together like an enema and a bowel full of hard shit. But who knew that Justin Bieber is the dom and Chris Brown is the sub in that relationship? These two look like they’re getting into some rough trade in the backroom of the worst S&M club ever. This is like something out of Fifty Shades of Douche. If you were browsing disgusting pictures on 4Chan (example: a picture of My Little Pony disintegrating in a jar of jizz, etc…) and laid eyes on this picture, you’d probably say, “Nope. TOO FAR.” If this picture wasn’t gross enough, the Biebs upped the grossness with this little air kiss blown at Chris Brown:
Had fun with the homey @Chrisbrownofficial
E! thinks that the picture is tasteless and insensitive since The Difficult Brown punched and choked RiRi in 2009. Did they expect anything less?
The Biebs and Fist Brown are having fun and sharing their kinky homey love on Instagram today, but we all know how this is going to play out. They’re going to break up and Fist Brown is going to accuse the Biebs of fucking Wheelchair Jimmy in Toronto.
After spending most of his weekend dragging his on-again off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran on Instragram and hissing “fuck that bitch” during a concert, Chris Brown has decided he’s sowwy for acting like a giant asshole. Earlier today, Chris posted the above picture of himself looking like a shy doll while standing next to some crappy graffiti to Instagram with the following message. WARNING: you might want to open a window, because the bullshit that comes off this statement is very thick and you’ll probably need some fresh air.
“Being young and dumb is one of my strong suits and emotional at best. I love hard and react impulsively when I’m hurt at times. I don’t think social media is a place to air out or hash out personal problems and a nigga feel hella WACK for doing it. So I AM APOLOGIZING I live in a glass house and the same shit that makes me great also is my curse. Everybody know I love that girl. I don’t care how my image my look to the public because I’m still gonna be the best at what I do. I just want baby girl to know I apologize!“
All of that was stupid. Just, beyond stupid. And now might be a good time to mention that all that garbage was written shortly after he took another angry swipe at “baby girl” by posting (then later deleting) a picture of himself with a John Waters moustache (may Divine strike me down from Heaven for that one) with the caption “Cut this Chinese pussy hair off my face lol“. Fun Fact! Chris Brown is a 25-year-old man (never has the use of the word “man” felt so wrong).
Not to be outdone in the drama department, TMZ caught up with Karrueche on a beach in Miami who commented on this dumb high school mess by saying “Don’t believe everything you hear.” And if I remember high school correctly, that means they’re either getting back together or she’s taking Drake to the prom.
Sad news for douchebags and assholes everywhere, as it appears the fairytale romance between their king, Chris Brown, and his professional pretty girlfriend Karrueche Tran has come to an end. Wow, such sad, much could give a shit. Actually, that’s not true – I can give a shit, because it’s getting super messy, and any kind of messy relationship drama makes my heart grown three sizes too big, like The Grinch. Especially messy relationship drama where the side piece turns out to be the soft-spoken Canadian snuggle prince Drake!
TMZ says that it all started on Friday night when Chris announced he was single during Power 106′s annual Christmas concert. Chris asked how many single ladies there were in the audience before saying “Well, I’m single too! Fuck that bitch” (cut to all the single ladies running for the nearest exit). He then followed that up by posting a picture of himself cozied up to Satan’s Skanks (aka Khloe Kardashian, Kendull Jenner, and the other one) to Instagram.
But because screaming “Fuck that bitch” to a crowd of people at a concert isn’t nearly Chris Brown-y enough, the perpetually infected hangnail decided to accuse Karrueche of cheating on him while he was in jail with Drake and hissing at her for having threesomes. Oh boy, this just got Maury levels of messy.
I don’t know if I should prep you all by issuing an EXTREME DOUCHEBAG ALERT for this story, or just assume you already did that on your own when you saw Chris Brown’s face up there, but either way – extreme douchebag alert.
According to TMZ, society’s impacted wisdom tooth Chris Brown got all kinds of ragey after hearing that Adrienne Bailon was talking shit about his girlfriend Karrueche Tran yesterday on The Real. I guess the topic was assholes and the dum-dums who love them, because Adrienne shot out that the reason someone like Karrueche stays with someone like Chris despite the fact that he’s as pleasant as an infected toenail, is because she and her friends love the fame and all the perks that come with hanging around Chris Brown (if you can think of any, feel free to email me).
Once Chris found out someone was throwing shade at his lady, he took to Instagram to post a picture of Adrienne (which he later deleted) calling her a “trout mouth ass bitch“, as well as accusing her of keeping her legs open to married men and humping on a Kardashian (Rob) for fame. He also came for Adrienne’s The Real co-host Tamar Braxton, calling her a “Muppet face ass” and “the ugly sister“. Ooooh, RUDE DOT COM!
But even after he deleted the picture, he wasn’t done mouth-barfing hot shit. He then posted a video of himself to Instagram hissing that everybody is entitled to their opinion, that sometimes you’re the bug and sometimes you’re the windshield, and “what you drink don’t make me piss”, whatever the fuck that even means. Us Weekly says Karrueche then added to the drama by Instagramming a picture of herself and commenting: “Unlike most of you… I could care less about the opinions of others.. Drama doesn’t amuse me – so yes @tamarbraxton I do have a voice, just not like yours.. However my bf I can’t speak for.. We all know he has no chill.” No, don’t worry Karrueche – nobody has forgotten that your aggressive face-punching asshole boyfriend has “no chill.”
This fight is beyond.com. Trout mouth ass bitch? Muppet face ass??? As in, Tamar’s ass looks like the face of a Muppet? That doesn’t even make sense. Chris Brown, get your life! No, seriously, you’re too old for this shit.
We’re still 10 days away from the streets filling up with tricks dressed up as a slutty Ebola strain (“You mean Paris Hilton, right?” – you), a slutty Hazmat worker, a slutty butt plug Christmas tree, a slutty Olaf from Frozen and a slutty Ice Bucket Challenger, but Amber Rose celebrated Halloween early last night by throwing herself a costume party for her 31st birthday in L.A.
Nick Cannon’s maybe piece and the future ex-wife of the stoned scarecrow Jack Skellington did herself up as Peg Bundy if Peg Bundy was in a crossover episode of The Walking Dead and Married With Children. Amber’s guests included Carmen Electra as a glamorous new money chola as seen through the eyes of Liberace, Blac Chyna as a stripper nun, someone as a pregnant Tupac, Karkoochie Tran as a doormat and The Difficult Brown as a dried, crusty menstrual prune.
Amber Rose as Zombie Peg Bundy IS the look and I only say that because for a good 3 seconds I seriously thought Spaz de la Huerta got a bad chemical face peel, dyed her hair brassy ginger and got Kim Kartrashian’s ass surgeon to implant 3 plastic hams in her ass. If anybody says to you, “You’re kind of giving me Spaz de la Huerta vibes,” you should immediately shellac yourself from head to toe. That look should be preserved forever.
And I fully expect The National Zombies Association to slap at Amber Rose for doing zombie face.
Less than a week ago, Billboard published an interview with Chris Brown who claimed that spending 108 days in jail changed him for the better and the new Chris Brown (The New Adventures of Old Chris Brown, now streaming on Netflix) doesn’t get into fights or start shit at the club anymore. But here we are, a week later and Chris Brown is back to his old shit-starting asshole tricks once again. Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song!
According to the NY Daily News, Chris Brown’s entourage (which sounds like a douchier version of Entourage, as if that’s even possible) was involved in a bottle-throwing fight at a club in the Meatpacking District early this morning that send one man to the hospital after he took a flying piece of glass to the eye. Police are still investigating what happened, but no one has been arrested yet. It’s also unclear as to what Chris Brown’s involvement was in the fight. Let me take a wild guess: HE STARTED IT. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the power to morph into a piece of broken glass, and he flew into that dude’s face on purpose.
But according to Breezy, there was no fight and it’s just that gossipy bitch The Devil spreading rumors about him:
“Uh…I don’t know him” – God.
Well, now I feel like a real dum-dum, because I bet $30 that Chris Brown could stay out of trouble for at least 30 days. Fuck, I knew I should have gone lower than 30 days! My gut kept telling me “Allison, you stupid bitch, it’s Chris Brown! Betting 30 days is too risky! Chris Brown can’t go 48-hours without starting shit! You think you’re a gambler now? You Kenny Rogers now?” but I ignored it, because I thought it was just indigestion from a questionable bag of Doritos (that best-before date is on there for a reason, folks).
But when he said in that Billboard interview that he’s trying to be “the best Chris Brown” he can be, I guess he was telling the truth. Chris Brown is literally the best at being Chris Brown, aka an unapologetic fight-starting asshole. Nobody does it better!
Chris Brown, the famous person equivalent to that kid from your 1st grade class who got kicked out of school because he wouldn’t stop biting everyone, gave his first official interview since leaving jail in June to Billboard and for the first time in a very, very long time he actually sounds…not like a raging asshole? HEAR ME OUT! I know you probably read that last part and considered calling super-sleuth Courtney Love to see if she could locate my damn mind, since I CLEARLY lost it, but you need to trust me on this one. »