Just in case you forgot that Chris Brown was still a giant Sam’s Club-sized asshole who has to destroy everything he gets within arm’s reach of. TMZ says that the owner of several World’s Shittiest Boss mugs is currently in trouble with Ibiza police after he allegedly trashed a rental house.
Chris Brown is currently touring around Europe, and he rented the villa in the picture above for the last week of June. Yes, someone was dumb enough to rent their house to the human tornado of trouble known as Chris Brown. Sadly, the landlord found this out the hard way. Chris was supposed to be out of the house at a certain time, but he wasn’t leaving. The landlord called the cops in an attempt to remove him, but it turns out Chris Brown wasn’t the only problem inside the house. According to a police report, it was allegedly a disaster. There were knife marks on the wall (from either throwing knives or just straight-up carving into the wall), someone had peed on one of the beds, and there was vomit everywhere. The piss and the barf I understand, but knife marks? Were they doing the damn Mamushka?
The landlord claims Chris Brown also still owed him $26,000 for rent, but after adding up the cost of all the damage, that number is closer to $60,000. A source close to Chris says that the rent issue has been settled, and that the reason it hadn’t been paid on time was due to a banking issue on the landlord’s end. No word on if the cash Chris Brown transferred to the landlord also included the money for the alleged damages.
I know that landlord couldn’t have predicted that his house would have ended up worse than the inside of a port-o-potty at a Florida State Fair. But seeing the name “Chris Brown” on the rental agreement should have been their first indication that their villa was in for a bad time. Let this be a lesson to future landlords: If Chris Brown wants to rent your house, it’s probably a good idea to call up your insurance company and make sure your policy includes Chris Brown Coverage first.
Pull out your list of people who have had enough of Chris Brown’s bullshit and handed in their resignation papers. It’s time to add another name. Last week we learned that Chris’ manager of four years, Mike G, stopped working with Chris back in May after he allegedly received a “drug-fueled” beating from Chris Brown. Yesterday we learned that around the same time, a tour manager named Nancy Ghosh quit after he allegedly cornered her on his tour bus and unleashed a “threatening, drug-fueled tirade.” Now TMZ is saying that Chris Brown’s publicist has followed Mike G and Nancy out the door. And surprise, surprise, there was drama.
If I were Chris Brown and just found out I was in trouble with Suge Knight, I’d be making the same “You in danger, self” look too. Because if there’s ever been a person you don’t want to piss off, it’s Suge Knight.
Page Six says that Suge Knight has filed a lawsuit against Chris Brown and nightclub 1OAK regarding Brown’s disastrous pre-MTV VMAs party at 1OAK back in 2014. The messiness started when someone tried to take out Chris Brown and ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead. Three others were shot and one ended up in critical condition. Two years later, and Suge is allegedly still feeling the aftermath of that shooting. According to the lawsuit, Suge claims to have ongoing complications, including a blood clot, from being shot in his chest, arm, and abdomen at Chris’ party. Um, are we sure that blood clot is from a bullet that was shot during Chris Brown’s party and not one of the millions of other times Suge Knight has been shot?
Back in 2012, Chris Brown decided to hire a new manager in an attempt to fix the Tupperware container of rotten leftovers that was his reputation. Chris was still trying to climb back from violently beating on Rihanna before the Grammys in 2009, as well as deal with the public’s perception that he was an all-round asshole. So he hired a guy named Mike G to help him repair his image, get him out of debt and off drugs. In an unfortunate twist of irony, TMZ says Mike G is suing Chris Brown and claiming he beat him so bad he ended up in the ER.
Just like Justin Bieber, Chris Brown is on a quest to cover his body in as many random tattoos as possible. Well, it appears that he’s gone ahead and added another piece to his collection, and this time it’s a portrait of his 2-year-old daughter, Royalty Brown. Ah, the toddler portrait tattoo; the sophisticated second cousin to the infant footprints.
The Daily Mail says that early this morning, Chris Brown threw up the picture you see above to Instagram, followed by a picture of his shoulder with a not-finished portrait of Royalty on it. Not long after, he grabbed a bottle of Spray nine and scrubbed any trace of said pictures from his Instagram. So basically, that’s what I mean when I say he might have gotten a tattoo of his daughter. We can’t really confirm it, since the Instagram proof no longer exists. But of course, some people managed to grab a copy before he deleted them. This is what Chris Brown’s new tattoo of his daughter allegedly looks like.
“Might?” said everyone who is looking at that picture of a stoned Chris Brown and wondering just how many invisible cartoon squirrels he thinks he’s winking at. However, if you were to ask Chris Brown, he’s not stoned at all, and he definitely wasn’t so stoned that he was escorted off a plane.
Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”
Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.
The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.
Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.
But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:
“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.
In case you haven’t heard about the sad and messy tale of the R &B singer Kehlani’s suicide attempt, it all started when her ex-boyfriend, rapper/singer PartyNextDoor (born name: Jahron Anthony Brathwaite), recently posted an Instagram picture of his hand holding her hand while in bed together. Many thought that Kehlani was still with Cleveland Cavaliers player Kyrie Irving, so social media went in on her and labeled her a cheating harlot slut whore tramp trollop hussy with a wandering poon. The hate that social media threw at Kehlani got to her so much that she tried to kill herself. On Monday, Kehlani posted a picture on Instagram of her lying in a hospital bed with an IV in her arm, and she added this caption:
“today I wanted to leave this earth. Being completely selfish for once. Never thought I’d get to such a low point. But… Don’t believe the blogs you read… No one was cheated on and I’m not a bad person… Everyone is hurt and everyone is in a place of misunderstanding… But as of today, I had no single wish to see tomorrow… But God saved me for a reason, and for that… I must be grateful… Cuz I’m not in heaven right now for a reason… On that note.. Bye Instagram”
Before Kehlani hit the delete button on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, she said that she never cheated on Kyrie Irving. She was already broken up with him when she got back together with PartyNextDoor (not to be confused with my rapper name PartyInTheBackdoor). Kehlani thanked PND for saving her life. And that brings us to the piping hot wet turd that appeared in Chris Brown’s thought bubble when he said something about this on Twitter.
Those two guys standing behind Chris Brown look like what I imagine Chris Brown’s shoulder angel and shoulder devil would look like. On the left is his shoulder angel, silently praying that God relocates him to a new shoulder. On the right is his shoulder devil, and it appears that even his shoulder devil has had enough of Chris Brown’s shit. “Goddamnit, what has he done now?”
According to TMZ, Chris Brown has found himself on the receiving end of a temporary restraining order. Shocking, I know. The restraining order comes courtesy of a woman named Danielle Patti, who claims that Chris has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media. She also says she used to date him. Chris Brown? Angrily turning on a woman he used to date on social media? You don’t say.
This isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have gotten a third party involved in their drama. Back in December, Chris called the police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and was charged with criminal trespassing. But according to documents filed by Danielle, it wasn’t like that. Danielle says she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers. She claims she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.
A judge says that Chris has to stay 100 yards away from Danielle and can’t have any contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be. Yeah, is it really necessary to have a hearing? I’m pretty sure the words “Chris Brown” is all the evidence the judge needs to stamp APPROVED on that shit. Speaking of, if Chris Brown wants to save himself some time in the future, he might want to consider keeping a few dozen restraining order application forms at his front door. “Hey, are you on Instagram? You are? In that case, you might want to grab one of those on your way out.”
It’s nice to see that things between World’s Best Dad…mug owner Chris Brown and the mother of his daughter, Nia Guzman, are still a mess as usual. It all started yesterday when Nia announced that their almost two-year-old daughter Royalty has asthma and accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed and cigarettes more than their kid, and he’s constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke. Nia says Royalty usually comes home from Daddy’s house smelling like Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding reception, and she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.
Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to make happen. Nia also wants a judge to add a couple zeros to her monthly child support checks. Nia is currently getting $2500, but wants that changed to $16,000. This isn’t the first time Nia has come for Chris’ cash; back in July, Nia was trying to get $15,000 a month. Sadly, she was about as successful at getting money as Chris Brown is at not saying dumb shit, and that’s how she ended up at $2500 a month.
Speaking of Chris Brown saying dumb shit. Shortly after Nia accused him of fucking up Royalty’s lungs with second-hand smoke, TMZ says that Chris released a statement of his own on Instagram, which has since been yanked down. Chris side-eyed Nia’s claims that Royalty got asthma from his smoking. Chris says he quit smoking cigarettes on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter. According to Chris, Nia is just trying to stuff more money into her bank account. “Well DUH” said Nia’s shameless $16,000 a month child support request.
Chris says he stopped smoking cigarettes, but he failed to mention anything about not smoking weed. Although he doesn’t exactly have to. That busted Venus de Milo tattoo on his head is all the proof a judge needs that Chris Brown is in a committed long-term relationship with drugs.
Regardless of whether or not Chris Brown is the reason Royalty has asthma, one thing is obvious; Nia needs to work on her get money game. You’ve got to keep it simple, Nia! Forget about the asthma story – I’m sure a judge would have accepted the following: “Your honor, my child is exposed to Chris Brown. Can I have more money please?”