Unless I write a post titled, “Lindsay Lohan Said Something Fucking Stupid,” then that will be the most unsurprising headline I’ve written all week.
Billboard published a 10 million word expose on Chris Brown titled, “Chris Brown’s Downward Spiral: Insiders Open Up About His Struggles With Addiction and Anger,” and the only right way to read it is to read it while shaking your head and saying, “Yup, that sounds about right.”
Chris Brown recently let people know he’s an obsessive type of boyfriend who will stalk and harass the women he dates. He also made it clear that once you get with Chris Brown, he will never leave you alone. So none of the following should come as a surprise. TMZ says that Karrueche Tran, who hasn’t been with Chris Brown for almost two years, was granted a restraining order after he allegedly threatened to kill her. For those keeping score at home, this would be the second time a woman has gotten a restraining order against Chris Brown for that reason.
Chris Brown was supposed to fight Soulja Boy, one of his many, many enemies, in a messy pay-per-view boxing match. It was all pretty much set-up and ready to go. Soulja Boy was getting training from Floyd Mayweather Jr., Chris Brown was getting training from Mike Tyson, and they were finalizing a location. But Chris Brown has now pulled out. At least that’s what Soulja Boy says.
While performing a show in London on Wednesday night as part of Drake’s Boy Meets World Tour, he took a sharp slap at one of his oldest foes, Chris Brown. If Drake’s tour was anything like the real Boy Meets World, this would be where Mr. Feeny sits Drake’s ass down to tell him to stop poking at Chris Brown.
There used to be a time when Chris Brown attempted to hide his asshole tendencies. But putting in that much work on such a futile job has clearly gotten to be just too exhausting, and Chris Brown is just like “Fuck it, this is me.”
Chris recorded a Instagram video in which he brags about stalking and harassing the women he dates. Just like many of Chris Brown’s cracked out confessional videos, he deleted this one. But The Shade Room grabbed it before it was gone. Just hearing the words “Hello, I’m Chris Brown” should be enough for any woman to spin 180-degrees and run away, but he’s given women another reason for why they should never date him.
“Ladies, y’all be complaining about n—as being, like, stalkers and in love with y’all, kinda crazy and shit and you get tired of it. Well, guess what? I’m one of them n—as! If I love you, bitch, ain’t nobody gonna have you. I’m gonna make you miserable. I’m going to chase that n—a out, and I’m gonna chase yo ass around, and it’s done.”
Bragging about stalking and harassing your girlfriends? Chris Brown, you don’t have to try so hard. Michael Rapaport already loves you.
Chris Brown’s nickname, Breezy, makes a lot more sense now. I’m guessing he got it after dozens of women he’s tried to get with have heard a rustling noise in the bushes outside their window and thought “It’s probably just the breeze.”
That’s right, Officer Gary from Friends seems to love Chris Brown. Michael Rapaport was motivated to leap to Chris Brown’s defense during a recent episode of his podcast I Am Rapaport. Go ahead and cue up Randy Newman’s You’ve Got A Friend in Me for this one.