Category: Chris Brown

Chrissy Teigen’s Dress Was Out For Blood Last Night

May 18, 2015 / Posted by:

For those of you who are reaching for your glasses and wondering who hired Robert Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson to operate the cameras for the Billboard Music Awards, don’t worry – it’s not you. The above image is blurry because current film technology isn’t advanced enough to catch the ninja-like speed of Chrissy Teigen’s dress as it attempted to take out the poor woman walking behind her. Forget Taylor Swift and her gangly gang of suburban road warriors; Chrissy’s dress was the real deadly assassin at the BBMAs.

As Chrissy was walking to the stage with her co-host Ludacris, some woman tried to cut across behind her, but I guess she caught the back of Chrissy’s dress and instead of her ass landing in her seat, it landed on the floor. Unfortunately, Chrissy didn’t have time to be the wind beneath that lady’s wings and lift her ass off the ground, so she kept walking. Does anyone have an extra sweater? It just got COLD!

But Chrissy Teigen would like you to know she’s not a icy-hearted ho who enjoys watching clumsy tricks struggle all over the floor. According to Chrissy, Chrissy didn’t know there was a Code BOOM happening behind her.

Chris Brown Caught One Of His Fans Trying To Live In His House

May 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Prepare your “She don’t love herself” GIFs; this story will require all of them. According to TMZ, when Chris Brown returned from his punch-throwing asshole’s retreat in Las Vegas this weekend, he discovered that a woman had been living in his house while he was gone. The only problem was, he wasn’t expecting any house guests.

Chris first realized something was weird when he arrived home last night around 9pm and found women’s clothing in the foyer. Chris was there with some of his friends, so they started looking around the house and they found someone had spray painted the words “I LOVE YOU” on his kitchen counter and “MRS. BROWN” on two of his cars. Eventually they made their way up to Chris’ bedroom, and that’s where he found a 21-year-old woman naked in his bed. Chris called the police, and they arrested the woman for felony burglary and felony vandalism.

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Chris Brown Is Off The Hook For Allegedly Punching A Dude In Las Vegas

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like one of those 80s neon velcro mitts from HELL, Chris Brown allegedly celebrated being a little over 1 month off probation by Chris Browning a guy in the face during a pickup game of basketball at his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas just before 4 in the morning on Monday. Of course, Fist Brown’s rep denied that he pulled a Fist Brown. The cops threatened to pass the case to the D.A. if he didn’t sign a citation for misdemeanor battery. But now there’s no case to pass, because it’s closed.

TMZ says that the dude who accused Chris Brown of punching him called the LVMPD and told the cops that he doesn’t want to press charges anymore. Chris Brown isn’t walking away with millions of dollars like that other lady beater did for punching another dude in Vegas. But he won’t face charges.

TMZ says the dude who allegedly got punched by Chris didn’t say why he doesn’t want to press charges. Hmmm…. I do wonder why that dude suddenly didn’t want to slap Chris Brown with charges. Could it have something to do with:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$?

Wait, I don’t post nearly enough $ signs there:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

There, now you get what I’m trying to say.

Fist Brown Might Have Struck Again For The 5,671st Time

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Remember when I said that being a father to a human child could make Chris Brown retire his punching fist and convince him to stop being an itchy, oozing wart inside of humanity’s urethra? Well,  I may have wasted precious keystrokes on that sentence, because Fist Brown is apparently terrorizing the world again.

TMZ says that at around 3:42 this morning, the Difficult Brown was playing a pick-up game of basketball at his suite in the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. (I know that there’s a basketball court in one of the suites at the Palms, because humanized wax lion figurine Adrienne Maloof, who is part owner, took the other Housewives there during an episode of The Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills.) At some point during the game, Chris got into a fight of words with one of the other guys, and I guess he was jealous of Mayweather and Pacquiao getting to have all the punching fun this weekend, because he allegedly fisted the other dude in the face. The guy who Chris allegedly punched hasn’t been named, but does anyone know if the shirtless basketball hoop dude from Seattle somehow made his way to Las Vegas?

The cops showed up, but Chris refused to talk to them. The Las Vegas PD tells TMZ that Fist Brown can either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery and show his face at a hearing in court or he can wait until the D.A.’s office decides to press charges against him or not. The good news for Chris is that this isn’t a violation of his probation, because he’s not on probation anymore.

Chris Brown’s rep has already spit aat this story. His rep tells Gossip Cop that Chris never hit anyone.

“[Chris Brown] has a suite at the hotel that has a basketball court and invited friends to come play. An unruly individual showed up uninvited and was removed from the premises. Chris was not in an altercation with this person.”

I think what his rep wanted to say is, “This story is obviously a huge, shitty lie. I mean, the trick accusing Chris Brown of punching him is a guy. Would Chris Brown really hit a guy? Think about it!

The Difficult Brown Really Is Somebody’s Father

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.

Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!

Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.

What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Justin Bieber Was Put In A Chokehold Before Getting Kicked Out Of Coachella

April 14, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.

Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.

Chris Brown Really Misses Karrueche Tran And Is Trying To Win Her Back

April 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that their relationship was the definition of MESS and that only four months ago he was calling her a Drake-humping ho on Instagram, TMZ says that Chris Brown is trying to woo back his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran after she dumped his ass for making a baby with another chick while they were together. His plan of action? Calling and texting her and her friends non-stop and kissing her ass on social media. Even Amber Rose is like “I dunno, I think you might be coming off a little desperate.

Sources say that Chris is beyond desperate to get Karrueche back, I guess because he’s striking out with the ladies on CrappyBoyfriendMatch.com or something. But rather than wait it out and hope she starts to miss being the girlfriend of Chris Brown (unlikely), he decided to take the obsessed weirdo route, like using Instagram to cry about how “lonely” he is and to leave compliments on Karrueche’s posts.

Unfortunately, Karrueche still wants nothing to do with him and has been completely ignoring him. Damn, that might be the smartest thing Karrueche Tran has ever done regarding Chris Brown.

I wonder why Chris Brown is so desperate to get Karrueche Tran back? My guess is that he’s trying to line up an experienced baby sitter for when his Baby Mama moves in down the street. I mean, she’d be perfect – if she could put up with Chris Brown’s temper tantrums for all those years, she can definitely handle a cranky baby for a couple hours.

Pic: Instagram

Chris Brown Wants His Baby Mama To Move So He Can Be Closer To His Kid

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that recent father (and yes, typing that without also adding “and future deadbeat dad” took every ounce of my willpower) Chris Brown is trying to convince the mother of his 9-month-old daughter Royalty to move from her home in Houston, TX to Los Angeles so he can be closer to his kid. Chris’ original fatherhood plan was to fly back and forth between L.A. and Houston, but now he’s interested in seeing her every day. Sources say he recently offered to move his baby and baby mama Nia Guzman from Texas into a house in the Hollywood Hills at his expense.

They also say he’s trying to renegotiate that messy child support arrangement they have. Ever since Chris found out he was the DNA daddy of their baby, he began dumping a ton of cash into her checking account. Then he caught wind that she might be blabbing about him to the press, so he threatened to go to court. Now he’s apparently considering going back to their original arrangement of leaving the lawyers out of it if she moves closer to him. TMZ says Nia Guzman hasn’t decided if she and Royalty will move closer to the source of their royalty checks.

I had to hold my nose for the majority of this story, because something stinks. What’s with Chris Brown’s interest in being Danny fucking Tanner all of a sudden? Or maybe I’m just being a cynical bitch and he’s actually trying to do right for once.

I guess the only way we’ll know whether or not he’s serious about being a daddy is if he starts hanging out with Justin Bieber again. Putting in some practice hours with that grown-up toddler shows real commitment.

The Difficult Brown’s Probation Is Over

March 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a dirty Q-Tip used to treat one of Barney’s anal warts, Chris Brown was in his home away from home, the court room, on Friday to hear a judge tell him that he’s free. The judge didn’t get to spit those words out, because he was too busy barfing up laughs over Chris looking like Grimace’s dick head.

Chris Brown was put on 5 years of probation in 2009 after he pleaded guilty to Ike Turnering RiRi the night before the Grammys. On top of 5 years probation, The Difficult Brown also got hit with 1,400 hours of community service and he had to take a year-long domestic violence course. Fist Brown managed to keep his inner throbbing asshole in check for about a year, but it came out in 2010 when he threw a fit in his dressing room at Good Morning America and broke a window. After that, he kept the fuckery coming by allegedly stealing a chick’s iPhone, getting into a club fight with Drake and brawling with Frank Ocean in a parking lot, etc, etc, etc. He also failed a drug test and got in trouble for faking some of his community service hours. His probation was revoked in 2013 when he went crazy on a chick after hitting her car with his. He was driving without a valid license at the time.  The judge reinstated his probation a few months later and added 1,000 more community service hours as punishment.

The AP says that after all that, Chris Brown is finally done with probation and won’t have to show his face in court until he fucks up again, which will probably happen this week. Don’t worry, the  Los Angeles County Probation Department doesn’t have to lay off its entire staff since they no longer have The Difficult Brown to keep them busy. They still have Lindsay Lohan.

Right after the hearing, Chris Brown burped up this tweet (which was later deleted): “IM OFF PROBATION!!!!!!!! Thank the Lord!!!!!!” To which the Lord tweeted, “Don’t thank me, bitch, I saw that purple hair and voted to keep you on probation for life.

Even though he’s done with probation, Chris still has a conviction on his record, so Canada can still deny him, but nobody tell him that. We need another feel-good story about Drake cackling after a Mountie stamps “DENIED, EH!” on Chris Brown’s customs form.

Pics: Splash

File Under “Shocking To Absolutely No One”: Chris Brown’s Baby Situation Is Getting Dramatic

March 7, 2015 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, shit between talking bareback nut-busting cold sore Chris Brown and his surprise baby mama Nia Guzman isn’t as good as it seems. Apparently Chris found out about his 9-month-old daughter Royalty last month and quickly offered Nia more money than she would have received in child support court in exchange for the promise that she keep her mouth shut about the whole situation. Basically, Chris Brown didn’t want anyone to find out he was a father. “Trust me, I didn’t want anyone to find out Chris Brown was my father either” thought Baby Royalty.

Unfortunately, someone with loose lips started blabbing to the press, and now we all know about it. Chris believes the culprit leaking stories is Nia herself, and he’s pissed. A source (Hi Nia!) says Chris has met with his lawyers to discuss going to a judge and asking for a child support order, which is bad news for Nia, because a child support order means she’ll get significantly less than what he’s paying her now.

To make matters messier, TMZ says Nia’s ex-husband Terry Avery has decided to get involved. Terry, who was married to Nia from 2003 to 2014 and was separated from her when she got knocked-up with Chris Brown’s rage sperm, says he’s aware that Chris Brown has a temper and that if he pulls any shit with Nia or Royalty, or “there will be repercussions”.

Then Royalty came forward and asked if someone would be so kind as to buy her a one-way plane ticket to Canada, so she could get away from this mess and make sure it didn’t follow her.

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