RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
“Damn, Australia, that’s cold. You know there’s no good reason for him being anywhere” – is what I imagine that guy in the bandanna behind Chris Brown is thinking.
Last week, Australia got a standing ovation from humanity when they told Chris Brown they didn’t want his ass-whooping ass stepping foot in their country during the down under leg of his tour in December. Sadly, cheers of “FACK YIS!” might not be enough to keep him from visiting. TMZ says that Australia has given Chris Brown a Notice of Intention to Consider Refusal, which is a lot of fancy words that mean they’re giving him the chance to prove why he deserves to enter the country.
Currently, Australia’s plan is to deny Chris Brown a visa, but they want to hear Breezy explain why they should grant him one. They’ve given him 28 days to come up with a good reason. And he might want to get working on that shit sooner than later, considering tickets for his Australian tour dates go on sale Monday.
So far Chris Brown hasn’t really commented on this mess, but that could be because he’s too busy planning his upcoming six-show residency at Drai’s in Las Vegas. Hmmm, I wonder how committed Las Vegas is to that “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” slogan.
Anyone who has ever read anything written by Chris Brown knows that Australia is in for a next-level headache when they receive his NICR letter. First of all, it’s definitely going to come in the form of an Instagram comment. Second, it’s going to read like a 3am text from a drunk roommate who forgot their keys for the 4,027th time.
“Australia, WHY? Why r u doing this? For real, this is a real punk bitch move. I AM PISSED! All i wanted 2 do was sing and maybe fight that buff kangaroo. i hate u. LET ME IN!“
Be careful what you wish for, Australia.
Australia has joined Canada, Britain and New Zealand in closing their front doors to Chris Brown and declaring their land a Difficult Brown-free zone. By the way, “the land down under is a difficult brown-free zone” is also another way to tell your piece that you’re not into ass sex.
Chris Brown is supposed to take his tour to Australia and New Zealand in December, but that’s not going to happen if his name ends up on the Banned Bitch list right under Floyd Mayweather’s name. Floyd Mayweather is banned from Australia because he has pleaded guilty to domestic abuse and Chris Brown may be banned for the same reason. Australia has let it be known that they may take a Vegemite-infused shit on Chris Brown’s visa application because he’s a convicted lady beater. By the way, in my mind, if Chris Brown tries to get into Australia, Ja’mie King will be waiting at the front gate like:
According to CNN, Australia’s Minister for Women, Michaelia Cash (that’s my drag name, by the way), said in a press conference that the country’s immigration minister may deny Chris Brown’s visa and if it was solely up to her, she would’ve rejected it already.
“I’m clearly not going to preempt a decision by the minister, however I can assure you what my strong recommendation would be. People need to understand — if you are going to commit domestic violence and then you want to travel around the world, there are going to be countries that say to you, ‘You cannot come in because you are not of the character that we expect in Australia.”
The community advocacy group GetUp! has also started an online petition telling the government to ban Chris Brown. The petition has almost 13,000 signatures so far.
Okay, wait. So if Australia bans Chris Brown and even more countries follow by also banning him, he won’t be allowed to go anywhere else on the planet, which means us Americans will be stuck with him every single day. THE HELL? I mean, Australia may ban the Difficult Brown, but they’re not going to take back Iggy Azalea? The same goes with Canada. They won’t take Chris Brown, but they won’t take Justin Bieber back either! We should take this as a threat. They’re all trying to destroy us the same way Chris Brown is trying to destroy my retinas by wearing those jorts in public.
There must be a rumor going around the Kardashian Fan Klub that one can harness their fame whore powers by grabbing a clump of their 100% Hellbeast hair extensions, because last night someone tried to yank on Kylie Jenner’s hair. For those of you looking at the picture above and wondering if that’s the face Kylie made when it happened, no it’s not. It’s actually a picture of Kylie at a candy store opening earlier this week. And if I had to guess, I’d say she’s probably doing her best “how Kim Kardashian got famous” face.
According to TMZ, Kylie almost had a “man down” before watching her boyfriend Tyga perform with Chris Brown at a show in Anaheim last night. Thankfully it happened close to home, so Pimp Mama Kris’ tune-up crew didn’t have to travel very far to readjust her #1 girl. Although technically, saying “close to home” is sort of redundant, considering Chris Brown is one more country closer to being banned from everywhere.
Kylie, who still has green hair and still looks like the trampy younger sister of Sailor Neptune, was walking through a crowd of her adoring fans when one of them decided to see whether Kylie was wearing a wig or not. Unfortunately for that fan, Kylie still has some of her original parts, once of which is her hair, and they failed to get a Kardashian Kheepsake.
I’m sure Kim has already called TMZ up and begged for a copy of that video so she can play it on a loop at Kylie’s employee of the month celebration.
That “help me” side-eye says everything that needs to be said and the post should probably end here.
Chris Brown’s custody/money fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Royalty, has come to an end and he got everything he wanted and she got everything she didn’t want. TMZ says that Nia Guzman was fighting for sole custody. She wanted Chris to only get supervised visits and she also wanted $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in Houston popped that dream bubble hovering above Nia’s head.
This morning, the judge declared that Chris and Nia will share 50/50 custody of Royalty, which means the child will be shuffled back and forth between her daddy’s house and her mommy’s house every 4 days. Chris and Nia both live in L.A. right now. And Nia can go ahead and stop negotiating the lease on a brand new Bentley and she can stop shopping for an upgraded condo, because she’s not getting that $15,000 a month. The judge ordered that Chris Brown has to pay her the same amount he’s currently paying her: $2,500 a month.
Well, since Royalty will be living with Chris Brown half of the time, his gang member friends can teach her some gang signs which she can show her little classmates during kindergarten show-and-tell in a few years. So there’s that.
But really, since it’s Friday and there’s a fully stocked bong calling my name, I’m going to try to think positively. Chris Brown has proven time and time again that he’s an oozing foreskin pimple that shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi, but maybe being a full-time father will soften his violent asshole ways. Miracles do happen! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twins. It looked like their future was seriously bleak for a while, but I haven’t really heard anything about them lately, so maybe their parents finally got their shit together? (Cut to Charlie and Brooke’s twins living a happy, healthy life in the mountains with their new family, the wolves, while their parents haven’t even realized that they’re gone.)
You’ll never believe this, but it was Pride in Atlanta last week and at one of the events, gay dudes showed up. I know, it’s like going to Coachella and seeing chicks in flower crowns and coochie cutters rolling on Molly. CRAZY!
Melissa Scott, a party promoter who is co-founder of the entertainment group Traxx Girls, tells Georgia Voice that Chris Brown was booked to make an appearance at a lesbian Pride party over the weekend. Fisty was supposed to introduce Teyana Taylor, who is currently on tour with him. The Traxx Girls put the sore on humanity’s right labia lip on their flyer and used his name to promote the event. On the night of the event, The Difficult Brown supposedly showed up to the venue, but refused to enter, because he found out that gay dudes were inside. Well, at least we know that gay dudes are Chris Brown’s kryptonite and if we never want him to leave the house again, we should just line his front yard with nothing but gays. I’ll gladly volunteer.
Chris Brown continued to make wonderful decisions by getting a gigantic tattoo on his head. Well, at least he’s abusing his own head instead of someone else’s. So there’s that. Chris threw up evidence of his new work of art on Instagram, but quickly snatched it down. But by the time he yanked it down, it had already been saved and passed around.
Complex says Chris’ head tattoo is supposed to be Venus de Milo and it sort of looks like Venus de Milo as seen through the eyes of that amazing court room artiste who captured Tom Brady as his true self. That tattoo looks more like a nauseous Lena Dunham with a plastic bag covering her hair. But seriously, after looking at it up close, I love it!
Just like Justin Bieber’s Sassy Jesus tattoo, Chris’ Venus de Side-Eye tattoo is judging him for all of his bad decisions so we don’t have to. It’s the greatest thing he’s ever done!
I’ll warn you now – there’s a 50/50 chance the words “Poor Chris Brown” will leave your lips after reading this story. TMZ says that around 2:00 this morning, a home invasion and robbery happened at Chris Brown’s new house in the San Fernando Valley. Three armed men forced their way, found his aunt – who I guess lives with him? – and forced her at gunpoint into a closet. They proceeded to grab as much of Chris’ shit as possible, including cash and “other property“, and fled. Chris’s aunt was able to call 911, but the home invaders were gone by the time police arrived.
Chris Brown wasn’t at his house when the home invasion happened. The robbers hit Chris’ house at the exact same time he left a pre-ESPYs party at a club in West Hollywood. This isn’t the first time Chris Brown has come home from partying and discovered that his home had been destroyed. Back in May, Chris returned from a weekend in Las Vegas and found a fan living in his house.
So far, nobody knows who invaded Chris Brown’s house, but TMZ says his mother Mom Breezy thinks it was an inside job done by some of Chris Brown’s “no good-ass friends.” Don’t worry, Justin Bieber – we already know you’ve got an airtight alibi (ie. 2:00 a.m. is at least 6 hours past your bedtime).
I guess this is what can happen if you advertise how your new house is filled with expensive shoes and cars on Instagram and leave said house at the same time every night for the clubs. It’s Chris Brown’s aunt I feel bad for, for two reasons. One, because being woken up at 2:00 in the morning and forced into a closet at gunpoint is terrifying. Two, because she’s related to Chris Brown.
Here’s Chris Brown strolling out of a club at around the same time his house was getting robbed.
According to TMZ, rich Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot and “good person” (says Rita Ora and only Rita Ora) Chris Brown and his baby mama of four months Nia Guzman are having problems with money. As it turns out, Nia is a Get Money Mommy who wants a fuckload of his cash and Chris is a Deadbeat Daddy who doesn’t want to give it to her. I know, I’m shocked too.
Back when Chris first found out he and Nia made a surprise baby she named Royalty, he gave her a whole lot of cash in an attempt to prevent her from seeking a child support agreement in court. Eventually he got paranoid that Nia was selling stories about him to the press, so he considered cutting her off and sending his lawyers after her. Now it looks like he’s finally made up his mind and is definitely taking this mess to court. Chris Brown filed legal documents in Houston (where Nia and Royalty currently live) to establish paternity so he can fight Nia and her crazy thirst for child support cash. Nia claims she needs $15,000 a month in child support for their 1-year-old daughter. But Chris thinks the number should be closer to $2,500 and that’s what he’s been paying. “$2,500 a month? That’s cute,” thought the custom Lamborghini Chris is leaning his ass against in the picture above.
Chris also wants a judge to define some kind of a clear custody agreement. Chris claims that Nia has been preventing him from seeing Royalty. Yeah, I’m sure any judge would agree with Nia on that one. I would not be surprised if the judge asked Baby Royalty who she wanted to live with and said, “I agree. That would be the best option for you,” after she pointed to the stapler on his desk.
In the event you want to see what a father who still acts and dresses like a child looks like, here’s Chris Brown coming out of a club a couple nights ago.
Just like that, every neurologist from here to Saturn just booked Rita Ora a comprehensive series of tests and CAT scans to determine how Rita Ora is operating without a working brain.
If you’re the type of person who thinks “Who?” every time they see the name Rita Ora, here’s another way to remember who Rita Ora is. The Gobot to Rihanna’s Transformer is friends with Chris Brown. That’s not typically something you’d ever want to be, let alone something you admit to people, but Rita Ora did just that during a recent interview with The Sun (via UsWeekly). Rita Ora is currently working on a song with Chris Brown, and she had some really nice things to say about him. Please note that none of this was said with a sarcastic tone in her voice:
“Chris Brown is strong, powerful, and someone that is important to me personally and professionally. The discrimination and all what people think? If you have a great song then no one cares. I love him on different levels. I see how he treats his people and he’s a good person with a good heart and a lovely family. It’s really nice that we finally got together because, regardless of what’s happened, the song is just amazing.”
Well, technically she’s not wrong. Chris Brown is strong (see: pushing his way into his ex-girlfriend’s car even when she didn’t want him there, etc, etc..), powerful (see: the amount of times I’ve gotten a pounding headache from reading the barely-coherent comments he leaves on Instagram, etc, etc..), and is someone who is very important to Rita Ora professionally (see: Rita Ora’s career as someone who pops up on songs as “featuring Rita Ora“). The only thing she’s not right about is the good heart part. If you slid Chris Brown into an X-ray, all you’d see is a coagulated clump of hair dye and rage where his heart used to be.
Here’s Team Breezy’s newest member trying to “hide” from the paps at Heathrow airport today. Somebody better alert Johnny Depp that Rita Ora has stolen his hat.