It’s been a busy week for the celebrity unit of CPS Los Angeles. First, they started an investigation into Brad Pitt’s alleged bad daddy situation, and now they’re looking at Chris Brown. One would think that child services opened a case the moment they heard the words “Chris Brown is a father“, but this is the first time he’s being investigated. Although if you ask him, there is no investigation.
Yesterday, J Harvey brought us the news that Chris Brown was done throwing “parties” in his house. So far, it appears that Chris is very committed to keeping his messy antics outside of his home. Yesterday, Chris packed up his bad energy, and took it with him it to Power 106’s annual All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday at USC. “Haven’t they suffered enough?” thought everyone at that charity.
Can you blame him? How can you even call it a party when you’re not allowed to (allegedly) threaten women at gunpoint? Boring. TMZ is reporting that feminist icon Chris Brown is officially declaring his Calabasas mansion a no-fun zone due to his recent arrest for assault with a deadly weapon. He’s written up a list of rules and everything.
1. No more parties (for now)!
2. His two roommates (ugh, imagine how thirsty you have to be for the celebrity-adjacent freeloading high life to live with that douche?) now have to submit lists in writing (*chortle*) naming any guests, complete with descriptions of them, that they want to bring home.
Can you imagine?
Here’s my list.
1. Steve the drug dealer
2. Girl who will have sex with me to meet you
3. Girl who will have sex with me and our roommate to meet you
4. Girl who will have sex with me, our roommate, and Steve the drug dealer to meet you.
6. Delivery guy from the liquor store
7. Girl who will have sex with me, our roommate, Steve the drug dealer, the delivery guy from the liquor store, and the other three girls to meet you.
Chris is also prohibiting anyone on #TeamBreezy from bringing booze or drugs into the house. The only substances allowed will be provided by him. See, that’s the one rule I would have to dispute if I was a chiseler living in that grossness. Chris throws bags of drugs out the window! How can he expect his tenants not to have back-up drugs on them just in case he starts defenestrating shit again?
Well, yeah, didn’t he throw them out the window?
Team Breezy’s senior mascot (and Chris Brown’s defense attorney) Mark Geragos held a press conference yesterday wherein he stated that neither firearms nor illegal opiates were found in Fist’s house. To recap, Instagram’s favorite tattooed gargoyle was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly threatening former Miss California Regional Baylee Curran with a gun in his home. Reports stated that Chris had initially refused to come out of his house when police showed up, choosing instead to document his plight in a series of hazy, crazy Instagram vids and allegedly throw a duffle bag containing guns and drugs out a window. The lawyer says none of this happened, according to ET.
Chris Brown started his day yesterday by saying, “Fuck the police,” on Instagram after he was accused of pointing a gun at a woman, and his day ended with the police saying, “No, fuck YOU,” to him after taking his $250,000 bail money. The Los Angeles Times says that Chris bailed out of the Los Angeles County Jail at 11:15 last night. He has to show up to a hearing on September 20. Fisty was booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, which is a felony, for allegedly threatening a chick with a gun at his house in Tarzana early yesterday morning. Chris swears that he’s innocent and that he couldn’t have waved a gun at a woman, because he was asleep. Maybe Fisty was asleep. Some tricks walk in their sleep, maybe Chris Brown pulls guns on women in his sleep. It’s very possible.
Seen above holding court in what looks like the friendliest police standoff ever (they obviously can’t get enough of his fart jokes), Chris Brown was arrested for felony assault with a deadly weapon today. And just as that happened, a judge in L.A. slipped their hand into a moisturizing glove because they want it to be extra soft when they give famous and rich convicted felon Chris Brown a delicate slap on the wrist in court.