Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”
Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.
The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.
Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.
But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:
“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.
In case you haven’t heard about the sad and messy tale of the R &B singer Kehlani’s suicide attempt, it all started when her ex-boyfriend, rapper/singer PartyNextDoor (born name: Jahron Anthony Brathwaite), recently posted an Instagram picture of his hand holding her hand while in bed together. Many thought that Kehlani was still with Cleveland Cavaliers player Kyrie Irving, so social media went in on her and labeled her a cheating harlot slut whore tramp trollop hussy with a wandering poon. The hate that social media threw at Kehlani got to her so much that she tried to kill herself. On Monday, Kehlani posted a picture on Instagram of her lying in a hospital bed with an IV in her arm, and she added this caption:
“today I wanted to leave this earth. Being completely selfish for once. Never thought I’d get to such a low point. But… Don’t believe the blogs you read… No one was cheated on and I’m not a bad person… Everyone is hurt and everyone is in a place of misunderstanding… But as of today, I had no single wish to see tomorrow… But God saved me for a reason, and for that… I must be grateful… Cuz I’m not in heaven right now for a reason… On that note.. Bye Instagram”
Before Kehlani hit the delete button on her Instagram and Twitter accounts, she said that she never cheated on Kyrie Irving. She was already broken up with him when she got back together with PartyNextDoor (not to be confused with my rapper name PartyInTheBackdoor). Kehlani thanked PND for saving her life. And that brings us to the piping hot wet turd that appeared in Chris Brown’s thought bubble when he said something about this on Twitter.
Those two guys standing behind Chris Brown look like what I imagine Chris Brown’s shoulder angel and shoulder devil would look like. On the left is his shoulder angel, silently praying that God relocates him to a new shoulder. On the right is his shoulder devil, and it appears that even his shoulder devil has had enough of Chris Brown’s shit. “Goddamnit, what has he done now?”
According to TMZ, Chris Brown has found himself on the receiving end of a temporary restraining order. Shocking, I know. The restraining order comes courtesy of a woman named Danielle Patti, who claims that Chris has been harassing her and making death threats against her on social media. She also says she used to date him. Chris Brown? Angrily turning on a woman he used to date on social media? You don’t say.
This isn’t the first time Chris and Danielle have gotten a third party involved in their drama. Back in December, Chris called the police on Danielle after she refused to leave his property and was charged with criminal trespassing. But according to documents filed by Danielle, it wasn’t like that. Danielle says she wanted to leave, but couldn’t because someone had parked their car in front of hers. She claims she was cleared of the criminal trespassing charges.
A judge says that Chris has to stay 100 yards away from Danielle and can’t have any contact with her on social media. There will be a hearing later this month to determine how permanent the restraining order will be. Yeah, is it really necessary to have a hearing? I’m pretty sure the words “Chris Brown” is all the evidence the judge needs to stamp APPROVED on that shit. Speaking of, if Chris Brown wants to save himself some time in the future, he might want to consider keeping a few dozen restraining order application forms at his front door. “Hey, are you on Instagram? You are? In that case, you might want to grab one of those on your way out.”
It’s nice to see that things between World’s Best Dad…mug owner Chris Brown and the mother of his daughter, Nia Guzman, are still a mess as usual. It all started yesterday when Nia announced that their almost two-year-old daughter Royalty has asthma and accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed and cigarettes more than their kid, and he’s constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke. Nia says Royalty usually comes home from Daddy’s house smelling like Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding reception, and she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.
Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to make happen. Nia also wants a judge to add a couple zeros to her monthly child support checks. Nia is currently getting $2500, but wants that changed to $16,000. This isn’t the first time Nia has come for Chris’ cash; back in July, Nia was trying to get $15,000 a month. Sadly, she was about as successful at getting money as Chris Brown is at not saying dumb shit, and that’s how she ended up at $2500 a month.
Speaking of Chris Brown saying dumb shit. Shortly after Nia accused him of fucking up Royalty’s lungs with second-hand smoke, TMZ says that Chris released a statement of his own on Instagram, which has since been yanked down. Chris side-eyed Nia’s claims that Royalty got asthma from his smoking. Chris says he quit smoking cigarettes on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter. According to Chris, Nia is just trying to stuff more money into her bank account. “Well DUH” said Nia’s shameless $16,000 a month child support request.
Chris says he stopped smoking cigarettes, but he failed to mention anything about not smoking weed. Although he doesn’t exactly have to. That busted Venus de Milo tattoo on his head is all the proof a judge needs that Chris Brown is in a committed long-term relationship with drugs.
Regardless of whether or not Chris Brown is the reason Royalty has asthma, one thing is obvious; Nia needs to work on her get money game. You’ve got to keep it simple, Nia! Forget about the asthma story – I’m sure a judge would have accepted the following: “Your honor, my child is exposed to Chris Brown. Can I have more money please?”
Is there’s a word for when your defense makes you seem like even more of a dick than what you were accused of? I’m going to call it an Asshole’s Alibi. So Chris Brown has finally opened up his mouth about the woman who accused him of punching her in the face during an early-morning party in his hotel room in Las Vegas yesterday, and out came an asshole’s alibi.
TMZ says that Chris Brown responded to Liziane Gutierrez’s accusation that he punched her in the face by throwing up a video (and then immediately yanking it down) where he accused her of being a liar who was never even at the party because she was “too ugly” to get in. Chris thinks Liziane made up the face-punching story because she’s after some cash. You can watch that here, if you would like to see a rough-looking Chris Brown defending his spotless reputation. He also called out Liziane on Instagram, because of course he did.
Chris Brown’s people are also side-eying Liziane’s story. A rep tells TMZ that Liziane was kicked out of the party on Saturday morning for being an out-of-control disaster. Once she was in the hallway, she turned into a loud mess who started screaming that she could “buy everyone in the hotel.” They also say she never had a phone inside his room, and there was no picture taken. Wait, so does this mean she was in the room? Somebody better sit Chris Brown down with his reps and tell them to get their stories straight.
One of the things Chris Brown mentions while dragging Liziane is her appearance in a video with Jason Derulo. According to TMZ, that would be the time Liziane Gutierrez was left behind at a club by Jason Derulo and her friends back in August. Shortly after, a pissed-off Liziane sort-of accused Jason Derulo of making her friends do things they didn’t want to do. I don’t know if that means anything in regards to the face-punching accusation, but I do know this: finding out your girls ditched your ass at the club so they could party with the dude who sings “Talk Dirty“? Liziane needs to get some better friends.
Pic: Chris Brown
I don’t know if the Guinness people keep track of this kind of thing, but surely this is some kind of world record. Less than 48 hours into the new year, and already we have our first “Chris Brown went Chris Brown on someone” story of 2016. According to TMZ, a woman named Liziane Gutierrez is claiming that Chris Brown punched her in the face during a private party in his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas early this morning. Chris was in Las Vegas for a performance at Drai’s last night.
Liziane Gutierrez says it happened after she tried to take a picture of him. Apparently she was able to sneak her cellphone into the party without his security team noticing, so she decided to take a picture. Why you would want a picture of Chris Brown’s face, I don’t know. But she did, and and once he noticed she had taken a picture, he allegedly started screaming at her and punched her once in her right eye.
TMZ says Liziane left the party and called the police, but she wasn’t taken to the hospital. The police tell TMZ they’re currently investigating this mess, and confirm that Chris Brown is the suspect. A rep for Chris Brown says the allegations are “undeniably untrue.”
All of this is still in the ‘alleged’ stage right now, so not too many details are known. But one thing we do know for sure is this: that Chris Brown’s sober companion Scott Disick is doing a shitty fucking job of keeping his ass out of trouble.
Here’s Chris Brown looking like the long-lost member of The Midnight Society a few hours before it allegedly all went down.
I’d say you should go ahead and file this under “Terrible Fucking Ideas“, but I’m pretty sure that typing their names plus the words “sober companion” was enough for my computer to recognize it as some kind of error and did it itself.
TMZ says that professional Steff McKee cosplayer Scott Disick and Anger’s closest living DNA match Chris Brown have been hanging out a lot, and apparently they’re not bonding over how many times they’ve rudely cut in line at Craig’s and heard a bunch of people whisper “Asshole” under their breath. Sources close to Scott and Chris (okay, so Kris Jenner using three throwaway email addresses, got it) claim that they are joined at the hip because both of them are trying to stay dry. Something that is nearly impossible, since they’re both 98% douche, and douche is a liquid.
Both Scott Disick and Chris Brown have gotten the dirty side-eye for being drunk messes, and Scott’s problems were eventually worked into a time-filling secondary story line on Keeping Up With Kris’ Skanky Daughters. Normally it’s a recipe for disaster when two people who get horny for booze get together, but they both think they can help each other stay sober.
At the very least, they can both remind the other one that they have a kid at home who probably doesn’t want their daddy getting sloppy at the club and that it might be time to switch to Shirley Temples. Or just read whatever Kris Jenner wrote on the KUWTK kue kard that she slipped into their pockets before they went out.
Here’s more of Scott and Chris putting in some sober buddy overtime while leaving 1 Oak in Los Angeles together last week. Yes, 1 Oak is a club. Listen, I never said they were any good at their jobs.
Chris Brown was scheduled to be on The Daily Show last night, but it was Nick Cannon who sat across from Trevor Noah and not the ingrown hair clinging to humanity’s asshole. Chris was reportedly replaced after several TDS staffers screamed “OUTRAGE!” over him being booked. On top of that, Chris Brown’s upcoming tour dates in Australia and New Zealand were flushed down the toilet, because his lawyers were unable to convince officials to un-ban his ass.
RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
“Damn, Australia, that’s cold. You know there’s no good reason for him being anywhere” – is what I imagine that guy in the bandanna behind Chris Brown is thinking.
Last week, Australia got a standing ovation from humanity when they told Chris Brown they didn’t want his ass-whooping ass stepping foot in their country during the down under leg of his tour in December. Sadly, cheers of “FACK YIS!” might not be enough to keep him from visiting. TMZ says that Australia has given Chris Brown a Notice of Intention to Consider Refusal, which is a lot of fancy words that mean they’re giving him the chance to prove why he deserves to enter the country.
Currently, Australia’s plan is to deny Chris Brown a visa, but they want to hear Breezy explain why they should grant him one. They’ve given him 28 days to come up with a good reason. And he might want to get working on that shit sooner than later, considering tickets for his Australian tour dates go on sale Monday.
So far Chris Brown hasn’t really commented on this mess, but that could be because he’s too busy planning his upcoming six-show residency at Drai’s in Las Vegas. Hmmm, I wonder how committed Las Vegas is to that “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” slogan.
Anyone who has ever read anything written by Chris Brown knows that Australia is in for a next-level headache when they receive his NICR letter. First of all, it’s definitely going to come in the form of an Instagram comment. Second, it’s going to read like a 3am text from a drunk roommate who forgot their keys for the 4,027th time.
“Australia, WHY? Why r u doing this? For real, this is a real punk bitch move. I AM PISSED! All i wanted 2 do was sing and maybe fight that buff kangaroo. i hate u. LET ME IN!“
Be careful what you wish for, Australia.