Anna Faris adopted a Chihuahua named Pete four years ago, and for some reason, she decided she didn’t want the pooch anymore so she found him a new home. Pete either ran away from his new humans or his new humans dumped him on the street, because he was found on Friday in a bad way. TMZ says that Pete was found wandering the streets and was all emaciated. Pete was taken to the vet and when his microchip was ran, Anna’s name and the name of the shelter she adopted him from popped up. The shelter, Kinder4Rescue, is pissed at Anna and slapped her ass with a fine for breach of contract. When Anna adopted Pete, she agreed to pay the $5,000 fine if she ever re-homed him. Most shelters want you to give the dog back to them if it doesn’t work out. This is giving me shades of Ellen DeGeneres’ dog adoption drama…
“Did you just fart in your space suit? So did I! God, we’re so relatable.” I don’t know if that’s an actual line of dialogue in Passengers, but I’m assuming so. How can it not be? It would be illegal to put both Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence in a movie about space and not have them yuk-it-up over farts, anti-gravity space poops, and freeze-dried pizza burps.
That picture of Jenny Slate with Chris Evans was taken when they were both on Anna Faris’ podcast, and their glazed-over shiny eyes could be from the camera flash, but I’m going to choose to believe it’s from spending all day and all night humping their fuck parts off. As for why Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s eyes are like that too, they have a 3 year old, so I’m guessing they were smoking crack all day to deal with a hyperactive screaming child.
The huge stars came out last night for the taping of the MTV Movie Awards. Well, a few did. Okay, like one or two. We still got some big names and a few people with actual talent. While not one of said talented people, the standout of the night was clearly Gigi Hadid. She worked that child prostitute blow-up doll glamour harder than she ever has! She and her team were like, “Brigitte Bardot with a rattle! That’ll get the cameras flashing!”
Chris Pratt has a thought (and you know a load of fuckery is going to hit your eyeballs when he has one of those). America’s back-up sweetheart (or is Jennifer Lawrence America’s back-up sweetheart?) thinks he knows the key to equality. It isn’t equal pay or any shit like that. Chris Pratt thinks that equality will be fully reached once everyone starts slobbering over dudes more. I’m pretty much already one step ahead of that (see: practically every post I write on Dlisted).
During an interview with Radio 4’s Front Row, the anti-Kit Harrington and former fatty was asked if taking his body from chunk to buff was a move he did to get ahead in his career. Chris said that it wasn’t calculated or anything, but he knows it was a big reason for why he’s an action star now. Chris went on to say that he’s totally okay with being objectified and thinks men need to be objectified more:
“I think it’s OK, I don’t feel appalled by it. I think it’s appalling that for a long time only women were objectified, but I think if we really want to advocate for equality, it’s important to even things out. Not objectify women less, but objectify men just as often as we objectify women.There are a lot of women who got careers out of it, and I’m using it to my advantage. And at the end of the day, our bodies are objects. We’re just big bags of flesh and blood and meat and organs that God gives us to drive around.”
Um, I sort of get what Chris Pratt is trying to say, but to really get his point, I’m going to need him to say it while his top is off and his nipples are hard. And he should leave out that part where we’re all just ground meat Volvos.
P.S. – If you’re offended by anything the real-life Andy Dwyer said, he’s already apologized for it.
Great news for those of you who got really bummed out after learning that your fap/tap visual of chubby Chris Pratt had a defective dingus last week. The real-life Andy Dwyer would like you to know that when he told Men’s Health UK that being a couple pounds heavier had a negative effect on his dick (i.e. he was “impotent“), he didn’t realize that “impotent” meant “no more boners.” And so it begins!
Chris Pratt clarified what he meant during an interview with Access Hollywood on Saturday and probably because he felt bad for everyone who spent the weekend praying for his poor penis of the past using a rosary made from shady internet Viagra pills:
“I’m not sure I knew what ‘impotent’ meant when I said it,” he said, laughing. “I had a lower sex drive, to be honest with you. Everything about my spirit was dull. I didn’t feel great, and I think people will relate to that. And I don’t want to ever come out against sounding like I’m talking smack about people who have issues with their body weight, or don’t have issues with their body weight. To each their own, but to those who felt the way I felt at that time, there’s really hope.”
Okay, so now we know that Chris Pratt’s wiener worked, but that it was a real struggle. His penis was sort of like me every morning; eventually I get up, but it takes at least 45 minutes of desperately slapping the snooze button and hissing drowsy expletives into my pillow before I do. I’m sure I could do it quicker if I dropped some chunk, but since Brownie Batter Oreos may be a thing soon, I’m not ready to make that sacrifice just yet.