And I can see his point! When was the last time you saw a movie that had a straight white male as the protagonist, huh? I swear, if I see one more goddamn movie with a black lesbian in a wheelchair as the lead. Chris Pratt is nice to look at, but his actual demographic might be “30s, white, male, dumb.” Star-Lord did the cover of softcore gay porn mag, Men’s Fitness, and opined that Hollywood isn’t telling stories that represent people like him.
When Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence’s Two Sexy Goofs in Space film, Passengers, came out last December, many hated it. One of the major reasons why people weren’t feeling Passengers was because they found Chris Pratt’s character to be a bit of a creepy stalker. Chris Pratt is surprised that people felt that way.
Chris Pratt is a slab of goofy hot, so I’ll do WHATEVER he requests of me… except praise his acting. Did you see Passengers? Oof. Jennifer Lawrence should have found the nearest life pod and rocketed her too-good-an-actress-for-this-shit ass off that ship.
Chris is currently filming Jurassic World 2 (side note: perhaps, maybe DON’T keep building an amusement park full of murderous dinosaurs?) and he’s been posting on social media what he’s been eating to keep his boyish figure while filming. Apparently, some need-to-get-a-job people have been giving him a hard time for looking too thin. Chris objects. What they SHOULD be giving him the business about is making sure Bryce Dallas Howard isn’t running around Jurassic Park in heels again, because that was every level of stupid. #misogyny
Some people have experienced a Come to Jesus moment in their lifetime. They can happen in many ways. Your horrified uptight aunt catches you and your cousins sipping from a 30-year-old bottle of crème de menthe in the basement and drags you all to church, for example. In Chris Pratt’s case, he came together with Jesus (that sounds really wrong) outside of a Hawaiian grocery store back before he was famous.
Last month, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt showed the people that under those Botox-infused sweetheart faces and chipper smiles are two pet-abandoning monsters of evil!!!! Pete sees it, because if that isn’t a look that says, “Fake ass bitch, I know your kind…”
Back in 2011, Chris Pratt was called out after he gave his cat away on Twitter, because apparently the pussy was old and was caca’ing all over the place. Anna was trying to get pregnant at the time so they were afraid of toxoplasmosis. Then last month, the owner of the Kinder4Rescue animal shelter in North Hollywood, CA shit on Anna Faris for giving away the chihuahua she adopted from them. Anna adopted Pete the Chihuahua from the shelter 5 years ago, and eventually gave him to a new home. Pete was found on the streets last month looking as crappy as Passengers‘ reviews. Pete was apparently emaciated. He was taken a vet who checked his microchip, which showed that he’s registered to both Anna Faris and Kinder4Rescue. At the time that Pete was found looking down and out, Anna and Chris were out of town, but they were working on sending someone to pick the dog up from the shelter. That didn’t happen.
Jennifer Lawrence is out there pimping another movie, so you know what that means? It’s time for another round of Jennifer Lawrence ass burping up quirky tales of her puking and pissing antics. JLaw telling piss stories while promoting Passengers is actually pretty fitting, because according to early reviews, that shit should be flushed and forgotten.
Fresh off from telling the offensive story about how her ass destroyed sacred rocks in Hawaii, JLaw was on The Late Late Show with James Corden on Tuesday night, and while sitting next to alleged Uber driver slapper T.J. Miller, she told an OMGSORELATABLEOMG that’s only relatable to dogs, Bear Grylls and uncouth babies. JLaw’s friends should maybe get her a Fisher-Price Fun To Learn Potty for Christmas, because it seems like she’s pissing everywhere except a toilet (see: Jennifer Lawrence Pisses In Sinks and this post).