As we know, the current narrative on the Chris Pratt and Anna Faris split is that Chris’ star grew too brightly to be contained within Anna’s galaxy. Even though these two are as bland as a mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder Bread with the crusts cut off, we’re gonna get to the bottom of this breakup if it’s the last thing we do!
On Sunday night, Chris Pratt announced on Facebook that he and Anna Faris were legally separating after eight years of marriage. We’ve now got some possible theories for why their marriage hit the skids.
Fans of goofy-yet-still conventionally attractive oversharing Hollywood couples weep today. Although this news is probably secretly pleasing to hardcore Parks and Recreation fans who couldn’t ever imagine Andy Dwyer with anyone but April Ludgate. After eight years of marriage (aka approximately three decades in Hollywood years), perfect-seeming funny couple Chris Pratt and Anna Faris have called it quits.
Whenever Chris Pratt has a movie to promote, there’s a 98% chance Chris will open his mouth and say something dumb several times, and his press tour will turn into an apology tour. Chris is promoting Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and he’s already said some things that have required him to slip into PR-sanctioned apology mode. His latest apology was delivered in ASL because he pissed off the hearing impaired.
Chris Pratt is the goofy doofus holy grail for some celebrity selfie enthusiasts, but sadly they will never get the chance to add such a picture to their collection. Much like Justin Bieber and Emma Watson, Chris Pratt has no interest in taking pictures with fans. It’s not so much about privacy or spiritual emptiness; Chris Pratt told Cigar Aficionado (via People) that he’s too busy for it. He also doesn’t want people bragging about taking a picture with Andy from Parks and Rec.
“I’ve always been a pretty deferential, go-with-the-flow guy. But now I have to be economical with my time. If I go out and want to do normal things, I have to be comfortable disappointing people. So I just don’t take pictures with people. Because that’s not about enjoying the moment; it’s about stealing the moment to brag about later.” Now, when he’s asked to take a picture in public, he responds, ‘Would you settle for a handshake?’ And then they take the picture anyway.”
Of course they’d turn down a handshake. Unless it comes with a lasting skin disease, there’s no proof of meeting, and that’s worthless for brag points.
I’m still a little shocked that Chris Pratt is so strict with his picture policy. You’d think that a member of such a tragically under-represented demographic would happily increase their visibility by taking as many fan selfies as possible. If not you, Chris, then who?
In case you’re not yet tired of seeing Chris Pratt in a suit, here he is with Anna Faris at the London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 on Monday night.
And I can see his point! When was the last time you saw a movie that had a straight white male as the protagonist, huh? I swear, if I see one more goddamn movie with a black lesbian in a wheelchair as the lead. Chris Pratt is nice to look at, but his actual demographic might be “30s, white, male, dumb.” Star-Lord did the cover of softcore gay porn mag, Men’s Fitness, and opined that Hollywood isn’t telling stories that represent people like him.