If, like me, you’re concerned about the diversity of Katherine Schwarzenegger‘s friend group, you can lay your troubled mind to rest. According to People, Katherine has at least one brunette friend named Oprah Winfrey, who was one of the guests at her bridal shower that was held on Saturday. It was a ladies only affair hosted by her mom Maria Shriver at her house. But Katherine’s fiancé Chris Pratt did stop by for a toast (Martinelli’s I’m guessing. If you’re going to abstain from sex until marriage, might as well abstain from anything fun at all). Now that I think about it, Oprah’s probably Maria’s friend, which means Katherine still has an opening for a brunette (or a redhead) in her squad. Serious inquiries only.
God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
Last week, a Kitty Pryde vs. Star-Lord battle was born when Ellen Page tweeted about Chris Pratt spitting out words regarding his Bible cleanse on The Late Show, and called him out for belonging to a church with anti-LGBTQ views. Ellen called for Chris to talk about that, and talked he did, saying that his church accepts all people‘s money and doesn’t turn down a check its back on anyone, the way he turned his back on that old cat he gave away on Twitter.
You might be thinking, “Err, exactly which anti-LGBTQ church are you talking about?” Today, we’re talking about Hillsong, that “alleged” money-making cult ran by the Hobby Lobby Terry Richardson, Pastor Carl Lentz. Justin Bieber was the Jesus of Hillsong before moving on to some other hipster church called The City Church. Hillsong is not a normal church, it’s a cool church, and it may dress itself up like a skinny jeans-wearing liberal hipster who marches in Pride Parades and holds up a Planned Parenthood sign at the Women’s March, but it’s against abortion and doesn’t exactly embrace gays. Chris Pratt is a member of Hillsong, and yesterday, Ellen Page called him out for it.
Chris Pratt And Katherine Schwarzenegger Probably Won’t Take Anna Faris Up On Her Offer To Officiate Their Wedding
Chris Pratt and Anna Faris had one of the politest and most efficient divorces in recent memory (even if it seemed to have lasted an eternity), so it’s not surprising that they maintain a warm and supportive relationship. Both have moved on, Anna’s got her cinematographer boyfriend, and Chris just got engaged to Jesus by way of Katherine Schwarzenegger. Anna recently addressed the engagement on her podcast Unqualified and said that Chris texted her the news the very next morning. She was so happy for them, she hinted she would be willing to officiate the wedding herself! But it’s unlikely they’d accept. According to People, they will probably want Jesus to handle it.
Chris Pratt (my 11th favorite Chris after Chris Crocker, Chris Farley, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Rock, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Chris Tucker, Chris Cooper, Chris Isaak, and Chris my former Brooklyn weed man) is currently doing a 21-day fast based on the Bible, and I guess he’s taking that Christian shit all the way and is abiding by this commandment:
Thou shalt not fuck your piece until you’ve married their ass. (Sexodus 69:69)
Because he’s now engaged to his girlfriend of around 7 months Katherine Schwarzenegger. Chris let Tim Tebow know that he’s not the only one who ain’t going to live in sin (and also not the only one who can deliver a truly natural engagement photo).