Thanks but no thanks; if I wanted the #6 combo of dumb white girl pretending to be a badass with a side of too-old-for-this, I’d go with the Original Recipe.
Last night, while the rest of us were aging gracefully into a pair of easy-fit pajama jeans and a pajancho (PJ comfort from fiesta to siesta) LeAnn Rimes was busy squeezing her Beverly Hills Grandma-looking ass into a leather dress from the Anne Rice Interview With The Stripclub Manager collection and coating her luck dragon snout with neverending layers of 90’s emo teen lipstick for the Billboard 2014 Power 100 celebration. Power 100 what exactly? 100 most powerfully-annoying celebrities? Singers that make you use 100% of your willpower not to punch them in the face? What is it, Billboard? Tell me! Tell me why LeAnn was there!
But back to that I-Just-CAN’T lipstick. Is one of her stepsons going through a goth phase that she needs to copy? “OMG nobody understands me either! I’m, like, soooo depressed! Life sucks, right? I love cutting myself to get attention. Just kidding; when I want attention, I just go on Twitter and say nasty shit about your mom. PS – I’m the coolest, right?”
And my Say Something Nice is this: If I’m wrong, and this isn’t a picture of LeAnn, then Ron Perlman from Beauty and the Beast cleans up really well.
Here’s more of LeAnn posing like anyone even gives a rats-ass with the human sleaze-machine known as Eddie Cibrian. But you can call him Exclamation, because he’s making a statement without saying a word (and that statement is “Hey Dean, what’s the pussy situation like in rehab? Can anyone go?”)
(Pics via Splash)
There was this seasoned chola who worked in my mom’s office and she once took me aside during her lunch break to show me Polaroids she kept in her glove compartment of her cruisin’ days before her tattoos looked like pieces from a wrinkled coloring book and before she dyed her hair a lovely shade of Montebello blond (as she puts it). What she looked like in those pictures looks almost exactly like 14-year-old Lourdes at a Material Girl event with Kelly Osbourne in NYC yesterday. The teenage spawn of Madge looks like the spitting image of the seasoned chola office assistant in her glory days!
Well, Lourdes would completely look like the spitting image of a 70s chola if you traded her plain hair for feathered hair wings and traded her yellow dress for a baggy plaid shirt and high-waisted polyester pants. But other than that, it’s uncanny!
What I’m trying to say is that if Roberto Benigni (whatever happened to Roberto Benigni anyway) was telling the truth when he said that life is beautiful, then Lourdes will grow up to be a gorgeous Radiology office assistant who smells like a mixture of L.A. Looks gel and Avon perfume, and drives a brown Lincoln with a warped TimeLife oldies cassette stuck in its tape deck. If only!
And just like that, a dozen “Which teen pop star is a cokehead who did a dude on a bunk bed at a party?” blind items might’ve have found their answer. TMZ reports that 18-year-old Demi LOraleVATOOOOO (that’ that girl who once dated a Jonas Brother and Mr. Ed’s second cousin twice removed at the hay barrel, has quit her world tour and checked into rehab for “emotional and physical” issues. That’s basically just a publicist’s way of dressing up “cokey problem” in a crisp white button-down shirt and shiny pearls. Here’s the statement from Demi’s spokeswhore:
“Demi Lovato left her tour early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time. Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. [Demi] regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future.”
A source tells TMZ that a “You need help, bitch” light bulb went off over the Disney chola’s head after she got into some sort of fight (aka cut that bitch for the last 8-ball) with a female member of her tour.
I didn’t expect Demi to stumble in Lindsay Lohan and Brit Brit’s footsteps for at least a couple more years. DAMN. I swear, I’m surprised Disney hasn’t opened up “Mickey Mouse’s Rehab House for Wayward Hos” so they can make even more fast cash off of the tricks they pushed out on the stroll.
And here’s the latest episode in the ongoing “Foolery on Public Transportation” series. If this went down on the free Ontario Mills Shuttle bus in CA, I’d have to get on the phone with some of my chola cousins to tell them to calm down because they are mothers now! But this mess happened on a bus in San Antonio, Texas.
I’m not exactly sure what made chola mommy’s exquisite Sharpie brows melt in anger, but she settled it with a punch to the face while holding her baby! And she continues to hold on her baby while beating some ass. This is the art of multi-tasking.
Bitch is making war with one arm, while making motherly love with the other! And I bet her burgundy lipstick (with black lip liner) didn’t even smudge. Somebody hand her a “Smile Now, Cry Later” trophy for Chola Mother of the Year. It will look good on the mantel next to her summons from CPS.
They should teach this at Mommy and Me.
Taylor Swift recently went on her Twitter to reveal a beauty secret that might leave her eyeball leaking puss in the near future. Taylor wrote:
I just used a Sharpie as eye liner in the airplane bathroom. about
22 hours ago from Echofon
This was Katy Perry’s cue to respond to Taylor with this:
That’s so chola of you! RT @taylorswift13: I just used a Sharpie as eye liner in the airplane bathroom.
about 22 hours ago from UberTwitter
Hold up, and the back the Lincoln up! Just because she used a Sharpie does not mean we need to start calling her La Bisojo or Squint Girl. If Taylor wants to earn her chola name, she needs to take that Sharpie and paint twin black rainbows over her eyes. Like this:
You see what a difference a Sharpie brow makes. Now I finally can see why she won all those damn Grammys.
via Hollywood Life
Baby Smiley continued her mission of turning all of us into chola beauties by taking her Sharpie to Sandra Bullock’s eyebrows on Lopez Tonight last night. Sandra agreed to the chola makeover, because she said she wanted to become “more Latin.” I was waiting for my abuelita’s chankla to hit her and George Lopez in the mouth after that was said.
When Sandra came out as “La Nalgona,” an oldies song didn’t play in my head and I didn’t flinch like a hot razor was about to slice my cheek open. You know, Sandra’s canvas just doesn’t have what it takes to pull off the chola look. Sandra looked more like a deflated Michaela Romanini:
And if you can’t look like a chola who can give a ten-week hickey in five seconds, then you might as well look like Michaela Romanini. So Sandra should keep up the makeover.
Below is a clip of Sandra’s transformation from a plate of boiled watercress to the homegirl version of Michaela Romanini:
(Thanks to all who sent this in)