Just when we all thought that the War of the Assholes was already filled to the max with assholes, Khloe Kartrashian dragged a random one into it last night. Specifically, a random b-hole that is innocent in all of this and has shits to give, since that’s usually the purpose of a b-hole, but none of those shits are for the Kimye/Taylor Feud.
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
When Kim Kardashian decided to channel her inner-Kanye and clap back at the naked-rubber-body-selfie haters on Twitter last week, she specifically went after three famous people: Piers Morgan, Bette Midler, and Chloe Grace Moretz. Piers was an obvious choice, since he loves getting into Twitter fights over boobies. Bette Midler was a bad choice, since I’m pretty sure it’s a federal crime to come for The Divine Miss M.
But the easiest decision Kim made was to come for the person who wasn’t exactly joking when they implied that she needs to put some clothes on, which was Chloe Grace Moretz. However, Chloe Grace Moretz is a little surprised that her tweet to Kim about women being more than their bodies was taken as shots fired. Chloe recently spoke to Elle and admitted that she definitely wasn’t trying to “slut shame” Kim. So if Kim thinks she was, that’s on Kim.
“All I’ll say is that I think a lot of things can be misconstrued in a lot of ways. And I think if people open their minds more, and they try to look deeper into something than just something that is a very big, hot, fiery button to hide behind…I think if people looked into something bigger that I was trying to speak upon, they wouldn’t be so easy to fire back silly, miscellaneous things.”
She also had some advice for the young women who are seriously considering taking a night school class to learn how to Photoshop their bodies into an emaciated peanut shape for their Instagram pictures.
“Depict yourself adequately as what you want to be seen as. Don’t front, don’t put something out there that you feel isn’t realistic and doesn’t portray who you are. Just be yourself, be you, and don’t be afraid to speak your mind.”
I hate to break it to Chloe, but that’s an awful lot of words for Kim to process. Especially since she has limited time for reading every day, and it’s usually reserved for reading the text messages her children send her via their nannies. Besides, all Kim is going to do is pick out the words that appeal to her most (probably “big” and “behind“) and mentally turn it into an ass-kissing compliment. “OMG Chloe, that’s so nice of you to say that about my butt. Thank yeeewwww.”
Before she went to bed last night, Kim Kardashian (with no help from Kanye or Khloe, uh huh) got a head start on her daily quest for attention by going after Bette Midler, Piers Morgan, and Chloe Grace Moretz on Twitter for hating on her for tweeting a picture of her naked body.
Since then, shots have been fired from all sides. Bette shot back at Kim by sniping that she’s nobody’s fake friend and read her for being able to take a selfie and not being able to take a joke. Kardashian family ally Bella Thorne slapped at everyone judging Kim’s decision to post naked plastic mommy selfies. Emily Ratajkowski came for Piers by calling him sexist, before rendering her opinion null and void by referring to what Kim does as a “career.” And now Miley Cyrus, seen above looking like The Three Blind Mice’s dirtbag drop-out brother, has taken a moment out of her busy pie-baking and ironing schedule to give us her thoughts on it all.
Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in…. Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!!
You know there must be a disturbance in the force when you find yourself agreeing with Miley Cyrus. But even though I agree with most of what Miley has said, I cannot with a good conscience get on board with her directing her message to “you ALL.” According to my religion (First Wivesbyterian), referring to Saint Bette Midler as “tacky” gets you a one-way ticket to Hell.
Pic: Miley Cyrus
As her black sheep brother got all the attention on Instagram the other night, Pimp Mama Kris’ former #1 ho Kim Kartrashian was feeling lonely and unloved in the corner, so she tried to get attention by posting an old picture of her looking thirsty and Photoshopped. You know, like we’ve never seen her before and by “like we’ve never seen her before,” I mean “like we’ve seen her a zillion times.” Kim’s fame whore energy bars filled up, just like she wanted, because she got a lot of attention including some from international treasure Bette Midler who piped in because she knows all about trash.
Dennis Quaid must have been absent the day that Professor Ryan Gosling taught the class how to correctly pronounce Saoirse Ronan’s name. (I watched that lesson and my brain still wants to pronounce her name as Saw-Or-See.) Randy Quaid’s brother, Angela Bassett, Not Gina Rodriguez and Chloe Grace Moretz all got up at the hour of the ungodly this morning to announce the Golden Globe nominations. When it was Dennis’ turn at the podium, he had his own Dick Poop moment while dribbling out the nominations for Best Actress in a ~dramatic~ movie. By the way, “Dick Poop Moment” sounds like the sequel to Sinead O’Connor’s piece about “the difficult brown.”
DQ must be a graduate of John Travolta’s School of Pronunciation, because when he got to Saoirse Ronan’s name, this came out of his mouth:
Sheesha Ronan! Dude hacked up Saoirse’s first name and he gave me the hungries while doing so. Because when you say “Sheesha Ronan” really fast, it sounds like you’re saying chicharrones.
Great, now thanks to Dennis Quaid’s sloppy mouth, I’m going to be hungry this entire awards season. Every time I see Saoirse Ronan, I’m going to picture her as a giant, delicious pork rind.