Open Post: Hosted By Mads Mikkelsen Struttin’ That Ass On The “Doctor Strange” Set

All together now (to the tune of The Isley Brothers’ That Lady): “Who’s that villain? (Who’s that villain?) Beautiful villain… (Who’s that villain?) Lovely villain… (Who’s that villain?) Real fine villain… (Who’s that villain?)”

The other day, Martin posted pictures of The Alien Lizard King gracefully leaping while in Ren Faire wizard drag on the NYC set of Doctor Strange. Those pictures probably made the Cumberbitches open sesame and squirt out a geyser of chunky excitement. But sadly for them, B. Cums was shown up over the weekend when Mads Mikkelsen set the sidewalk and genitals on fire by struttin’ for his life on the set. Hannibal’s eyes look like the chapped anus of that power bottom Barney, but yet he still looks faaaaaabulous! Work it, own it, Hannibal!

Nobody seems to know who Hannibal is playing. Some nerds think he’s playing a Doctor Strange villain called Nightmare and others think he’s playing some other evil trick. To me, Mads Mikkelsen looks like a strung-out Burning Man junkie who spent all his money on the bad shit and is begging you for a ride back to L.A. That is one of the most scariest and annoying creatures of all-time, so I’m going with that.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Julia Roberts Thinks Nicole Kidman Is Acting Like A Snobby Bitch On The Set Of Their New Movie

Well if this isn’t the definition of a bitch calling a bitch a bitch. Julia Roberts and Nicole Kidman are currently shooting The Secret in Their Eyes together, and apparently Julia hates Nicole and thinks she’s a rude stuck-up twat. According to the National Enquirer, an on-set source claims that Julia has nicknamed Nicole “Her Majesty” because she’s a demanding bitch who treats the crew like peasants and doesn’t speak to anyone:

“Julia HATES the way Nicole treats the crew! She acts like they’re servants, and doesn’t talk to them – except to issue commands – while Julia now knows everyone by first names, and makes a point of being friendly.”

The source went on to say that Nicole became public enemy #1 to Julia the day she found out that Her Majesty had refused to sign a birthday card that was being passed around. Not signing a birthday card? I’m pretty sure that’s how you secure yourself a first-class seat to Hell. So Julia decided to fight cuntiness with cuntiness by ordering a huge birthday cake and having it delivered right outside Nicole’s trailer. Then she gathered the cast and crew to sing Happy Birthday. Then Julia gave everyone on set a car and a puppy and one of her kidneys. NO! That last one didn’t happen, but it probably will if Nicole keeps being a stand-offish beyotch.

Then again, this is only one side of the story. Did Julia ever think to ask Nicole why she was being such a cold cunt? Maybe she got the wet shits from a bad batch of Botox and she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so she hid in her trailer.

Here’s Her Majesty filming some scenes with Chiwetel Ejiofor for The Secret in Their Eyes a few weeks ago. I’m sure if you look closely, you can see Julia Roberts hiding behind those stairs with her hand cupped around her mouth so she can holler “Abitchsayswhat?” after every one of Nicole’s lines.

Pics: Wenn.com

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Vanity Fair’s “Hollywood Issue” Is Here

Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood Issue” can usually double as their annual “I See White People Issue,” but they decided to switch shit up this year. There’s 12 actors on the cover and half aren’t white. Racism is over!

On the cover from left to right is Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, Idris Elba, George Clooney, Michael B. Jordan, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, Naomie Harris, Brie Larson, Chadwick Boseman, Margot Robbie and Léa Seydoux. The left side looks like Julia and her chorus boys relaxing backstage between the matinee and evening performance of their cruise shop show where she sings the hits of Kander & Ebb. The right side looks like a bunch of models in a wedding fashion show who are suffering from the wet shits after they made the mistake of eating the Mexican lunch given to them. (Chadwick is obviously good because he brought his own food.) And in the middle is Lupita looking like OSCAH gold!

VF should get a slow clap for giving us diversity, but it’s still not diverse enough for my taste and by that I mean the dudes should’ve posed with no clothes on.

And the long-awaited, so-called GOOP takedown is in this shit and I’m afraid to read it. Graydon Carter apparently goes soft on Goopy and reading it is probably going to be a lot like sucking on a big, 9″ peen that just won’t get hard. Just wave of disappointment after wave of disappointment.

Brad Pitt’s The Situation Haircut Wasn’t A Choice

Over the weekend, Brad Pitt worked the award show ho stroll and even though he’s had that Situation haircut for a little while, some hos still asked themselves, “But for why does this bitch look like the standby hurdy gurdy player in an Arcade Fire cover band?” Brad Pitt was asked by  reporters at the Producers Guild Awards last night why he got the haircut every Williamsburg hipster bartender got in 2012 and he said that he was forced to get it for that WWII movie he’s shooting with Shia LaDouche in England. Brad Pitt’s hair was just cut that way. It wasn’t a choice! UsWeekly broke down this HIGHLY IMPORTANT news:

“It’s for a part,” Pitt, 49, told E! News at the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills, where the new ‘do looked pretty much perfect with his tuxedo. “It’s not a choice!” Indeed, the military-inspired look is for his WWII role opposite Shia LaBeouf and others in Fury, which has been shooting in the UK.

My eyeballs will never forget when Brad grew the nastiest beard and looked like a mangy, down-trodden, weathered hobo billy goat who was constantly attacked by guineafowls trying to eat the fleas and maggots out of his hair. Any look is better than that look. Brad Pitt could get a portrait of the UGGs-CROCs devil child tattooed on his cheek and I’d still say, “Eh, still better than that billy goat shit.” So for that reason alone, I don’t totally hate the Macklemore on his head.

And here’s Brad with Steve McQueen and Chiwetel Ejiofor at the PGAs last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

I Guess That’s One Way To Greet Bradley Cooper…

Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?

Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.

At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.

Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com