On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”
It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.
But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.
Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!
Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood Issue” can usually double as their annual “I See White People Issue,” but they decided to switch shit up this year. There’s 12 actors on the cover and half aren’t white. Racism is over!
On the cover from left to right is Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, Idris Elba, George Clooney, Michael B. Jordan, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, Naomie Harris, Brie Larson, Chadwick Boseman, Margot Robbie and Léa Seydoux. The left side looks like Julia and her chorus boys relaxing backstage between the matinee and evening performance of their cruise shop show where she sings the hits of Kander & Ebb. The right side looks like a bunch of models in a wedding fashion show who are suffering from the wet shits after they made the mistake of eating the Mexican lunch given to them. (Chadwick is obviously good because he brought his own food.) And in the middle is Lupita looking like OSCAH gold!
VF should get a slow clap for giving us diversity, but it’s still not diverse enough for my taste and by that I mean the dudes should’ve posed with no clothes on.
And the long-awaited, so-called GOOP takedown is in this shit and I’m afraid to read it. Graydon Carter apparently goes soft on Goopy and reading it is probably going to be a lot like sucking on a big, 9″ peen that just won’t get hard. Just wave of disappointment after wave of disappointment.
Over the weekend, Brad Pitt worked the award show ho stroll and even though he’s had that Situation haircut for a little while, some hos still asked themselves, “But for why does this bitch look like the standby hurdy gurdy player in an Arcade Fire cover band?” Brad Pitt was asked by reporters at the Producers Guild Awards last night why he got the haircut every Williamsburg hipster bartender got in 2012 and he said that he was forced to get it for that WWII movie he’s shooting with Shia LaDouche in England. Brad Pitt’s hair was just cut that way. It wasn’t a choice! UsWeekly broke down this HIGHLY IMPORTANT news:
“It’s for a part,” Pitt, 49, told E! News at the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills, where the new ‘do looked pretty much perfect with his tuxedo. “It’s not a choice!” Indeed, the military-inspired look is for his WWII role opposite Shia LaBeouf and others in Fury, which has been shooting in the UK.
My eyeballs will never forget when Brad grew the nastiest beard and looked like a mangy, down-trodden, weathered hobo billy goat who was constantly attacked by guineafowls trying to eat the fleas and maggots out of his hair. Any look is better than that look. Brad Pitt could get a portrait of the UGGs-CROCs devil child tattooed on his cheek and I’d still say, “Eh, still better than that billy goat shit.” So for that reason alone, I don’t totally hate the Macklemore on his head.
And here’s Brad with Steve McQueen and Chiwetel Ejiofor at the PGAs last night.
Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?
Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.
At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.
Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
All of the covers and pictures for W Magazine’s The Movie Issue were taken by Juergen Teller, which means that they all look like crime scene photos from the 1970s of the pimps, john, hookers and crackheads who were all staying at a shitty motel when a low-ranking mobster was viciously stabbed to death in one of the bathrooms. Everyone (except for Lupita Nyong’o) in these pictures look like they’re the suspect in a murder case and are being interviewed by the police. Some of them look like their fear of the police is ruining their coke buzz (see: Jennifer Lawrence) and others look like they’re making a “come at me, PIGS!” face (see: Emma Thompson). And Amy Adams…. Lord, I just want to cover her with a soft blanket and give her some lukewarm hot cocoa from the vending machine, because bitch looks a wreck!
Anyway, Jennifer Lawrence is on one of the covers and W asked her about the graceful fall felt all around the world. Jennifer Lawrence obviously fell on those stairs because her huge, pink dress was the size of the head table at a quinceanera. But Jennifer says that she fell, because she was thinking about cake.
“I was at the Oscars, waiting to hear if my name was called, and I kept thinking, Cakewalk, cakewalk, cakewalk. I thought, Why is ‘cakewalk’ stuck in my head? And then, as I started to walk up the stairs and the fabric from my dress tucked under my feet, I realized my stylist had told me, ‘Kick, walk, kick, walk.’ You are supposed to kick the dress out while you walk, and I totally forgot because I was thinking about cake! And that’s why I fell.”
That quote is like charcoal fluid that fuels the Jennifer Lawrence backlash movement. Bitch is obviously lying. I mean, thought about cake right after winning a huge award? Bitch, you ain’t Kirstie Alley. Jennifer Lawrence has already been crowned America’s Newest Sweetheart, so she can quit it with the “I’m so RILL! I’m so aw-shucks-ey! I thought about cake at the Oscars!” shit. If she didn’t talk about butt plugs on Conan, I’d probably fill in an application for the Jennifer Lawrence Backlash Club. But I can’t hate a trick who openly talks about butt plugs. It’s a rule of mine.
You can see all the pics and read all the quotes from W’s The Movie Issue here. I’ve thrown in a few below. Grab the holy water before clicking on the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a diablo on meth.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
The Oscars are a million months away, but Brad Pitt has already started Googling the question “What is the easiest way to turn an Oscar statue into a bong?” because everyone’s saying that he could have his fingers around one next year. No, he’s not going to get one for acting. Are you bitches crazy? Brad Pitt is one of the producers of 12 Years A Slave (not to be confused with the title of Bruce Jenner’s upcoming memoirs, 22 Years A Slave), which everyone is freaking out about. Audiences threw Oscar statues at it when it screened at the Telluride Film Festival last week, and it got a standing ovation at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Vulture and others think that it will win Best Picture and if it does Brad will finally get his Oscar bong!
In 12 Years A Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor plays a free man who is kidnapped in DC and sold as a slave to a real vicious cuntbag of a Louisiana plantation owner played by Michael Fassbender. Director Steve McQueen, who also directed Shame, directs a cast that also includes Bendadick Cumsinbatches, Brad Pitt, Alfre Woodard, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson, Lupita Nyong’o and Quvenzhané Wallis. They’re saying Oscar noms will go to Steve McQueen for Best Director, Chiwetel for Best Actor and Michael Assbender for Best Supporting Actor. Here’s the trailer:
And here’s the cast at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Brad is giving me shades of current day Val Kilmer, but at least he shaved that wolfey butt bush off his face.