Martha Stewart pulled a page from Mariah Carey’s book and was all “I don’t know her” when Joanna and Chip Gaines came up to her at the Time 100 gala.
It is a dark day, because we soon may be without a daily dose of Vanilla Ice stealing shit from nearby homes while shooting The Vanilla Ice Project, and the tip-moistening sight of Mr. Clean’s tattooed handy Canadian brother Mike Holmes in overalls (thank GOD he’s also on HGTV). Because Discovery has announced that in the summer of 2020, the DIY Network will be beaten to death with hammers and thrown into a shallow grave before Chip and Joanna Gaines piss on it while cackling about their impending world domination.
If I was an employee at the Silos in Waco, I would call out sick or take cover because Chip and Joanna Gaines are likely hissing shiplap over someone being able to manipulate more cash out of the home improvement teet than they have. I always thought Drew and Jonathan Scott, better known as the Property Brothers, were a snooze. Joke’s on me because while I was sleeping watching their show, Drew and Jonathan brought in $500 million last year.
People reports that someone at Discovery Inc. felt that the world wasn’t falling into a stinky crevasse of corruption, greed, bigotry, and untimely death quickly enough. So they gave the returning-to-television Chip and Joanne Gaines their own television network. Expect a lot of shows about shiplap and very little reality television programming about gay weddings.
Yes, every baby is beautiful (that’s a lie) and it doesn’t matter what you name your child as long as they’re loved (yes it does). But “Crew? Crew Gaines?” It sounds like a spin-off of Rogaine for extra sweaty jock people to maintain their pubic bushes.
People reports that Joanna Gaines revealed in an Instagram post that she and her husband and fellow home decor czar, Chip, named their new son Crew Gaines. So when you think of this kid, you’re going to think of a bunch of muscular collegiate dudes in spandex compression shorts crammed together in a long kayak thing and practically humping each other from behind while flexing those biceps…er, maybe “Crew” isn’t that bad? They still should have stayed on brand and gone with “Shiplap.”
Posting for Dlisted can often be an educational experience. Before my time here, concepts like lucite heels, the importance of the British Royals and dickmatization were all foreign to me (ok, that last one wasn’t).
As an example, the punctuation known as “question mark” settled upon my frontal lobe when the word “shiplap” came up in reference to former Fixer Upper hosts Chip Gaines, 43, and his possibly-unfamiliar-with-how-the-U.S.-legal-system-works wife Joanna Gaines, 39, having their fifth kid. The fuck is shiplap, I asked? And then I had to educate myself about distressed wood, picture frames that old-timey ship captains might like and really big clocks. And I learned that “shiplap” are those gray planks that have been out in the sun and then tortured by a sander for some rich asshole’s summer cottage. These two live on a dock near a fake eucalyptus grove, right? My education was furthered by learning the Joanna might be displeased with me being married to a large, hairy man who knows computers and likes showtunes and pizza. Well, eff these two and their ugly stuff!
By the way, Joanna had their fifth kid and it’s a boy, according to People. Gotta get the news in there somewhere. Toothy Chip announced the birth via Twitter Bird.