If I was an employee at the Silos in Waco, I would call out sick or take cover because Chip and Joanna Gaines are likely hissing shiplap over someone being able to manipulate more cash out of the home improvement teet than they have. I always thought Drew and Jonathan Scott, better known as the Property Brothers, were a snooze. Joke’s on me because while I was sleeping watching their show, Drew and Jonathan brought in $500 million last year.
People reports that someone at Discovery Inc. felt that the world wasn’t falling into a stinky crevasse of corruption, greed, bigotry, and untimely death quickly enough. So they gave the returning-to-television Chip and Joanne Gaines their own television network. Expect a lot of shows about shiplap and very little reality television programming about gay weddings.
Yes, every baby is beautiful (that’s a lie) and it doesn’t matter what you name your child as long as they’re loved (yes it does). But “Crew? Crew Gaines?” It sounds like a spin-off of Rogaine for extra sweaty jock people to maintain their pubic bushes.
People reports that Joanna Gaines revealed in an Instagram post that she and her husband and fellow home decor czar, Chip, named their new son Crew Gaines. So when you think of this kid, you’re going to think of a bunch of muscular collegiate dudes in spandex compression shorts crammed together in a long kayak thing and practically humping each other from behind while flexing those biceps…er, maybe “Crew” isn’t that bad? They still should have stayed on brand and gone with “Shiplap.”
Posting for Dlisted can often be an educational experience. Before my time here, concepts like lucite heels, the importance of the British Royals and dickmatization were all foreign to me (ok, that last one wasn’t).
As an example, the punctuation known as “question mark” settled upon my frontal lobe when the word “shiplap” came up in reference to former Fixer Upper hosts Chip Gaines, 43, and his possibly-unfamiliar-with-how-the-U.S.-legal-system-works wife Joanna Gaines, 39, having their fifth kid. The fuck is shiplap, I asked? And then I had to educate myself about distressed wood, picture frames that old-timey ship captains might like and really big clocks. And I learned that “shiplap” are those gray planks that have been out in the sun and then tortured by a sander for some rich asshole’s summer cottage. These two live on a dock near a fake eucalyptus grove, right? My education was furthered by learning the Joanna might be displeased with me being married to a large, hairy man who knows computers and likes showtunes and pizza. Well, eff these two and their ugly stuff!
By the way, Joanna had their fifth kid and it’s a boy, according to People. Gotta get the news in there somewhere. Toothy Chip announced the birth via Twitter Bird.
If there is one thing we have learned in the last few months, it’s that Joanna Gaines is the Griselda Blanco of DIY and home renovation. When Joanna and Chip Gaines, her husband, announced last year they were quitting their HGTV show Flip or Flop, landfills across America wept wondering what might happen if Chip and Joanna weren’t around to pilfer through the dump for wood to reclaim. It quickly emerged that HGTV is kind of a cheapskate with talent, and the Gaineses wanted more moolah and a less restrictive boss since lighting those silos set them back some Benjis. While Joanna may be pious for an hour on Sundays, she shows the spirit of Kris Jenner lords over Waco for the rest of her week when it comes to making money. That theme now apparently extends to our legal system. Continue reading
A little over three long months ago, the loyal disciples of Chip and Joanna Gaines’ giant clocks cult cried magnolia scented tears into their Magnolia Market brand fake eucalyptus wreaths after the two announced that they were quitting their really fucking popular HGTV show Fixer Upper after 5 seasons. At the time, Chip and Joanna burped up an explanation saying that they’ve decided to end their show to focus more on their family. I took “focus more on their family” to mean that they’re going to focus on getting more $$$$ from a different network that will pay up to see them renovate a house the same damn way over and over again. But yesterday, the Gaines’ announced that she is carrying the newest member of their barn door army.