This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
This is obligatory: CHARO WAS ROBBED!
Playboy announced two months ago that the end of a Photoshopped lady crotch era was upon us, because they made the decision to stop putting naked chicks in their magazine. The January/February 2016 issue of Playboy will be the last issue that will give eyeballs a serving of twat that’s been Photoshopped so much it looks like a silicone mini oven mitt. Of course, since Pamela Anderson’s naked body has been inside of Playboy the most times (14 covers and 15 spreads), they asked her to be on the cover of the final all-nudie issue. 48-year-old Pamela tells Entertainment Tonight that Hugh Hefner’s lawyer called her and said that there’s only one beauty they want for the cover and it’s Charo, but since Charo said no, they were willing to settle for her ass.
The Canadian-American rose (who is giving me porn parody Harley Quinn on that cover) said a while ago that her sons were teased in school because their mom’s nipples and poon are all over the Internet. So she asked them if she should do Playboy again. Her sons, 19-year-old Brandon and 17-year-old Dylan, both told her to do it:
“I said, ‘Hef just called, he wants me to do the last cover of Playboy,’ and [Brandon] goes, ‘Mom you’ve got to do it. We’re older, we’re not embarrassed anymore of you. You know, we think you’re great.’ He was so excited. He may have high-fived me!
And then I asked Dylan too, and Dylan’s like, ‘Mom, you know you’ve done it all.’ I don’t know what to say but they were really excited for me, and I was excited too.”
I love Dylan’s response. It’s like he shrugged and said, “The entire world has seen dad’s dick go into your vagina, so what’s another few pictures of your naked body?”
Playboy wouldn’t be Playboy if they didn’t Photoshop Pamela’s new pictures to infinity and beyond, but while they were at it, they should’ve added a few sparkles of life in Hugh Hefner’s eyes. He kind of looks like a taxidermied turtle. Although, maybe “the pimp tortoise and the trampy hare” is what they were going for in that picture. Art!
Pics: Ellen von Unwerth/Playboy
Every year, the fancy Pirelli calendar is usually filled with naked models being artsy and naked. But this year, Pirelli changed shit up and replaced model nipples with pictures of women who are mostly known for their brains and skills and shit. There’s not much nudity in it and most of the women are fully clothed. First Playboy announces that they are de-Playboy-ing themselves by not showing Photoshopped naked chicks anymore and now Pirelli has also decided to not show lady nipples? Why won’t anyone think of the straight male boners!?! What are straight dudes supposed to jack off to now? Where are straight dudes supposed to get their fapping material? Oh yeah, I guess there is that thing called “the Internet.”
Harper’s Bazaar says that Pirelli hired Annie Leibovitz to shoot artsy black and white pictures of Patti Smith, blogger/actress Tavi Gevinson, director Ava Duvernay, actress Yao Chen, man shorts hater Fran Lebowitz, Serena Williams, Yoko Ono, movie producer Kathleen Kennedy, philanthropist Agnes Gund, businesswoman Mellody Hobson, artist Shirin Neshat, model Natalia Vodianova and Amy Schumer. Only a few of the pictures have been released so far, but it looks like Serena and Amy are the only ones who posed without a top on.
In Amy’s HBO special, she jokes a lot about how she’s the “fat comedian” and how she’s constantly shoveling everything from This Is Why You’re Fat into her mouth. So I didn’t expect her to look like that in her panties. I expected her to look like the giant lump of lard that my abuelita kept in an old Ragu jar under the kitchen sink for years. (Side note: That jar of lard mysteriously went missing a while ago and I’m guessing that it moved to New York, became a real estate mogul and is now running for president.)
And I am all for Pirelli giving us “real” poses, but did they have to choose a picture where Amy Schumer looks like she’s squeezing out a shit on the toilet while drinking coffee before getting dressed for work? Well, the Pirelli calendar is for rich dudes and “ladies taking a dump while drinking coffee” does sound like a weird rich dude fetish.
In 2002, Canadian-American daffodil Pamela Anderson publicly said that she got Hep C from sharing a tattoo needle with Tommy Lee. (Tommy Lee smashed Pamela’s claims with his monster dick by saying that he didn’t give her Hep C and he doesn’t have Hep C.) Pamela told People in August that her doctors put her on a new FDA-approved drug regimen that rids the virus from a patient’s blood stream. I didn’t know that Hep C was curable, but the NYDN says that a patient is considered “cured” if no traces of the virus are found in their blood in the three to six months after they finished that drug regimen. Pamela said in August that the drugs weren’t giving her any side effects and she hoped she’d be Hep C-free in a month. On Saturday, Pamela screamed from the top of Instagram that Hep C has left her body and since she’s Pamela Anderson, she celebrated the news by gracing the eyes of her followers with a throwback picture of her bare ass on a boat.
I am CURED!!! – I just found out #nomorehepc #thankyou #blessing #family #prayer #live I pray anyone living with Hep C can qualify or afford treatment. It will be more available soon. I know treatment is hard to get still…#dontlosehope #itworkedforme #thereisacure #love #happy #americanliverfoundation #celebration #Idontknowwhattodo #iwanttohelp #cannes #iloveboats #onthesea #free
Now that Pamela Anderson is free of Hep C, she can work on curing herself of committing first-degree hashtag abuse.
Sure, Pamela Anderson would celebrate ANYTHING by posting a naked ass picture of herself. If she found that sock she thought she lost in the dryer, she’d celebrate by posting a naked picture. If she got a coupon for the medium-point Sharpie pens she uses to paint on her exquisite eyebrow situation, she’d celebrate by posting a naked picture. But there’s really no other way to celebrate getting rid of the sicks than by posting a picture of your naked ass. I’ve been bitching about allergies screwing with me and it seems like they finally left me (for now), so I was going to take a tip from Pammy by tweeting a celebratory naked picture of me with the hashtags #nomorehives #thankyouclaritin. But I know that picture would induce heaves in a major way and I don’t want everyone suing me for making them use all their sick days.
The company that Jay-Z forgets exists, Tidal, held an Illuminati ritual ceremony at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn last night to celebrate their 1 millionth subscriber. Or should I say, they celebrated the 989,999th subscription that Jay-Z bought to make it look like they have 1 million subscribers. During the charity concert, which benefited some organization that funds social movements (whatever that means), the First Lady of Tidal busted out a performance of “Feeling Myself” with Nicki Minaj and before she did that, her titty bowls nearly busted out as she posed on the carpet.
ANCIENT ASS Beyonce pulled one of her high ponytail wigs out of her hair closet, slapped it on her head and went on over to Blue Ivy Carter’s craft room to ask her daughter to use some of that Elmer’s Glue to glue that shit onto her. I don’t know whether that lace front is eating her forehead or if her forehead is eating that lace front. But beyond that, the rest of her look is very “Casual Friday Mariah Carey.” From the neck up, she’s I Dream of Jeannie and from the neck down, she’s Mimi. So together, she’s I Dream of Mimi.
Beyonce’s overall look is tacky, cheap, and is lazy Jeanne Kasem cosplay. So with that said, I love it! But what I love more is a moment that happened between Beyonce and her assistant in front of the photographers. After Beyonce’s minion fixed her dress for a quick second, she let that peon know that it’s time to shoo out of her shot by softly saying, “Stop it.” (Side note: That photographer just had cataract surgery and figured that blurry figure in the high ponytail was Charo, which is why she’s mistakenly calling Beyonce “queen,” right? Right?)
And one second after that moment, a trap door opened up below the assistant sending her down a long chute and into the basement where she’ll spend the rest of eternity making high ponytail wigs for Beyonce.
Playboy really should’ve shut down after this issue, because it was never able to reach this level of refined sophistication again.
Last night, The New York Times reported some sad news for everyone who christened their fapping hand by doing themselves for the first time while looking at a Playboy they stole from their dad or brother. (Side note: I don’t know if JcPenney makes those huge catalogs anymore, but if they do and they still have a dude underwear section in it, I’ll be extra sad if they ever get rid of it. That was my first fap material.) Playboy announced that after decades of showing chichis and chocha, they are no longer going to put naked women in their magazine. This news made half of the Internet shrug since lady nipples are a click away and made the other half of the Internet Google “What is a magazine?”