Chester Hanks appears to be in a biker gang now. He’s also an actor on Empire. Gone are the gold capped teeth, and mercifully, so are his frequent droppings of the N-Word. The Artist Formerly Known As Chet Haze is returning to his roots as a wealthy white boy and has taken on the motto “SAY LESS” as a driving force in his life. To that end, he recently appeared on The Red Pill Podcast With Van Lathan, to say more about why he previously felt entitled to use the N-Word willy-nilly. Short answer: He was high. Longer answer: He was trolling in a desperate effort to spark his rap career. Longest answer (unspoken): His daddy named him Chester and made him drive to high school in a hand-me-down PT Cruiser. (Note from Michael: PT Kwuzer, you say?)
The last time we checked in with Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson’s human Four Loko headache of a son Chet Haze, he was apologizing for using the n-word and announcing he was going to stop doing coke and crack. That was a little over a year ago, and we have an update on Chet Haze’s life. One of the things Chet did in the time since we last heard from him was make a baby. Yes, Chet Haze is a dad.
Chet Haze, the child that Iggy Azalea and Vanilla Ice left on Tom Hanks’ doorstep 25 years ago (I did the math and it totally adds up!), is back!
About 4 months ago, Chet Haze (born name: Chester Marlon Hanks) let us all know that ain’t nobody can hold Chet Haze down and that includes the haters who kept telling him to stop saying “nigga.” Back then, he said that the n-word is something he uses with the people he loves and everyone should be able to use it. I figured that Chet Haze was just high on Chet Haze, but it turns out he was cracked out of his skull. Chet Haze has returned to Instagram and in a series of a hundred (at least) dark ass videos, he says that he’s in rehab to clean himself up, because his addiction to coke got so bad that his nose clogged up and he started smoking crack. Inhaling the bad shit and the pressures of being the son of a movie star got to Chet and turned him into someone he’s not, so he took himself to rehab. Here’s a piece of what Chet said:
Hey, I just wanna say that I know my name’s been in the media about me going missing or getting kidnapped or something. I want to let y’all now, I’ve been in rehab trying to get my shit together and I’m doing pretty damn good. You know what I’m saying? I just had to really take a look at myself and my life and the way shit was going and all the crazy stupid shit I was doing and just finally admit to myself that it wasn’t working. And I had to try something new and that thing was to not do any drugs or alcohol.
And you know another thing is that stuff I was in the media about the n-word and everything. I know a lot of y’all kinda understood the point I was trying to make, but the truth is, it’s not my place to speak on that and I’m genuinely sorry for the people that I offended.
A couple of months ago, I was selling coke, doing coke until I couldn’t even snort it up my nose anymore because it was so clogged. I even smoked crack. If I can change, you can change. There is a solution.
If 35 years ago, you asked me to guess which one of the cast members of Bosom Buddies would one day be the parent of a crack-smoking, n-word throwing white rapper, I’d say to you, “goo goo ga gaaaaa droool,” because I was a baby then. But if I could speak English words, I’d guess Sonny. Totally Sonny.
Chet also says in one of his videos that if you are struggling, DM him and he’ll talk to you about it. I struggle with still finding Chet Haze hot after all the shit he’s said, but I’m not going to DM him, because I don’t think he can help me with that. And if you need to see all of Chet Haze’s videos, click here. It’s like a reboot of Blair Witch written by Eminem.
Chet Haze, the aspiring trust fund “rapper” and British hotel-trashing n-word enthusiast who is now trying to go by the name “Chet Hanx” (because he wants to bring even more shame to his family’s name, I guess) told TMZ that he recently got some very good advice from his parents, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. According to Chet, mommy and daddy have told their 24-year-old son that it may be time to put down the iPhone they definitely paid for and stop posting every dumb thought that escapes from his brain. Finally – confirmation that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are as embarrassed of the shit their son says as the rest of us are.
“My parents, like, they be telling me just to, like, ‘Stay off social media, period’. Like, even before this happened, they would, like, be like, ‘Hey, you know, like, don’t be on Instagram so much.’ But they’re the old generation. They don’t get it. Like, this is the new generation. We do things differently now. You know what I mean? You either gonna get it or you’re not gonna get it.”
If you want to see what it would look like if Forrest Gump had a grandson who was best friends with C-Czar from Kroll Show, here’s the video of Chet’s conversation with TMZ. He also talks about how it’s OK for him to use the n-word, because he identifies with black culture and that it’s an unspoken thing that “white people use that term.” That loud thumping sound you just heard was Tom and Rita banging their heads against their kitchen table.
Chet Haze (government name: Chester Hanks), trust fund son of America’s original sweetheart Tom Hanks and lover of the N-word, is finally getting himself some for real street cred and now whenever you see him, you can say, “Oh shit, we got a badass over here,” and not in an ironic way. The Daily Mirror (aka The second most reliable literary journal of truth in Britain. The Daily Mail being the first. Duh!) claims that the humanization of Vanilla Ice’s butt plug is wanted by the police in Britain for allegedly fucking up an airport hotel room in a drunken rage after some chicks refused to do him. Can’t no one tell Chet Haze he can’t break a hotel room mirror like the true gangsta he is.
Chet Haze (born name: Chet Hanks), the son that probably makes Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson say, “Where did we go wrong?“, loves to drop the n-word and when he used “niggaz” and “white niggas” in Instagram posts the other day, he got a lot of shit thrown at him. So early this morning, the Cody Lambert of hip hop dropped some wisdom on our faces by telling us why he’ll never stop mouth farting out the n-word and why it’s okay for him to do so.
Piece of Chet posted an Instagram video along with an essay on how it’s his constitutional right to spit out whatever he wants. Um, since he knows the constitution so well, then he should also know that it’s everyone else’s constitutional right to shit on him for spitting out the n-word. The come-to-life Malibu’s Most Wanted character went on to preach that it’s about time that we strip away all the negativity from the n-word and use it as a word of love. In Chet’s head, the n-word is a beautiful word that brings the hip hop community together. I just….
As Tom Hanks thought about calling his accountant to say the words, “Cut Chet off,” Chet schooled us all. Can’t nobody hold Chet Haze down…well except for his daddy who can do so by canceling his AMEX card.
If I say the word nigga I say it amongst people I love and who love me. If I say "fuck yall hatin ass niggaz" it's because that's really how I felt at the time. And I don't accept society getting to decide what ANYBODY can or can't say. That's something we call FREE SPEECH. Now I understand the older generation who grew up in the Jim Crowe era might have strong feelings against this. And that's understandable… But what I'm saying is this is 2015… And even tho we are still far from where we need to be and black people are still being literally KILLED by a RACIST and fucked up system… We have also reached a point where the word can no longer have a negative connotation if we so choose. And who is to say only black people can use it? The way I see it, it's a word that unifies the culture of HIP-HOP across ALL RACES, which is actually kind of a beautiful thing. It's a word that can be used out of camaraderie and love, not just exclusively for black people. What's the point in putting all these built up "rules" about it. It's time to let go. You can hate me or love me for it, but can't nobody tell me what I can or can't say. It's got nothing to do with trying to be a thug. It's about the culture of the music. And that's all I have to say about that (no pun intended) lol. It's all love. Some people will get it, some people won't. Either way, Ima keep living my life however the fuck I want. ALL LOVE.
Because of where he was going, I expected Chet to shit out a different Forrest Gump quote. I expected him to say, “Y’all, life is like a box of chocolates, sometimes the white ones are black inside like me!”