Yes, finally; I’m sure there’s at least one person out there who was anxiously bouncing their legs in anticipation. Good news, that person – we’ve got a name! Cheryl and the One Directioner Liam Payne made a baby boy who was born five weeks ago. At the time, Cheryl and Liam both made it known in their social media birth announcements that they didn’t have a name for their kid yet. Yesterday, The Daily Mail claimed that Cheryl and Liam named their baby Bear Payne. That news was confirmed by Liam after he was congratulated on Twitter by urine-drinking wilderness person Bear Grylls.
— Liam (@LiamPayne) May 2, 2017
The Daily Mail says that both Cheryl and Liam know Bear Grylls and he may have been the inspiration for their kid’s name. Well, that or Cheryl and Liam threw a dart at a list of Quirky-ish Famous Baby Names and hit Alicia Silverstone, Jamie Oliver, Kate Winslet’s favorite.
But back to that name. Bear Payne doesn’t even sound like the name of a baby; it sounds like a home-made alcoholic energy drink for lumberjacks. If Yogi trained Boo Boo as an MMA fighter, his Octagon name would be Bear Payne. All I really know is that if Bear and his mom were to get into Britain’s Motherboy circuit, Cher & Bear would be a great team name.
Former One Direction member Liam Payne twinked a fetus into former Girls Aloud member Cheryl (tn: Cheryl Ann Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini) nine months ago, and now that future British pop icon has emerged from the birth canal.
Liam announced on Instagram that Cheryl uncrossed her legs and gave the world a whole slew of upcoming OK! and HELLO! magazine articles on Wednesday of this week. One Direction fans who wanted Liam’s seed for their own wombs (and have also had to deal with another 1D-er spawning fairly recently) must already be suggesting baby names on social media. Although, I’m not sure “CherylColeIsEvilAndImLiamsOneAndOnly” is something you find in a baby naming book.
First, Jessica Simpson changes her last name to Jessica Johnson (which is a little weird since I’m pretty sure John Mayer named his johnson “Jessica“) and now Cheryl Cole has taken the last name of her stranger husband and Katie Price is “thinking” about taking the last name of the estranged husband that supposedly boned her best friend while his baby is growing in her womb. It’s name changing day! Let’s all change our last names, and I would play along and change my name to Michael K Cooper of Wales, but I’m pretty sure the restraining orders stop me from doing so.
Cheryl Cole continued to be the British poster ho for “Bitch, what are you doing?” when she married the French playboy she knew for a grand total of 3 months. Cheryl Cole made Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini her second husband a week ago and just like she did with her first husband, Ashley Cole, she’s taken his last name. Cheryl Cole’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that she’s now Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and she’s probably under a tattoo artist’s needle to change the chav-tastic Mrs. C tattoo on her neck. Cheryl truly keeps finding ways to prove that dickmatization is a real thing. Dick so good it’s got a ho changing her last name after three months. Even though I like the name Cheryl Fernandez-Versini since it sounds like the name of the least popular afternoon local news anchor in the Miami area or like the name of the worst character in a Jackie Collins novel, Cheryl needs to stop with this shit. Is she really going to change her name every time she marries a new dude? Bitch is going to have more last names than the Duchess of Alba by the time she’s 40. Cheryl should just legally change her name to [Insert My Latest Husband’s Last Name Here]. It’s simpler and involves less paperwork.
And now onto that other British rose petal who is known for making only the best decisions…
Katie Price was on Fubar Radio and in between talking about how assholes are like vaginas in disguise and how one of her ex-husbands (see: Alex Reid) loves screwing “lady boys,” she said that she’s thinking about taking her cheating whore of a husband Kieran Hayler’s last name. This is a wonderful decision since Katie is supposedly going to divorce Keiran for passing his peen to her best friend.
“I’d love to have the surname but obviously for work it’s Price. Yes, I would do it, with Kieran he’d have to prove himself first before I actually have the name. I’m quite old fashioned, I just want to be in love, have that fairytale, be that perfect wife, have their name, still have your own career because I think that’s important that you’re not in and out of each other’s pockets and stuff.”
Yes, Katie Price is just an old-fashioned kind of girl who probably leaked her that video of her getting toe fucked and most likely staged this whole cheating SCANDAL for maximum attention and is now trying to shamelessly steal the name changing spotlight from Jessica Johnson and Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini! And if she thinks it’s important that she and her husband not always be in each other’s pockets, why is she pissed that he gotten into somebody else’s pocket?
Here’s Katie Price Andre Reid Hayler arriving and leaving Fubar Radio with Princess YTuMamaTambien.
British pop star, current X-Factor UK judge, fired X-Factor US judge and Derek Hough’s former trial period beard, Cheryl Cole, is still putting the PhD in Good Decisions she earned from the University of Smart Thinking to good use. Cheryl Cole’s last marriage finally ended after her then husband Ashley Cole found it impossible to not stick his nomad dick in a vagina that wasn’t attached to his wife’s body. Ashley Cole kept dipping his dick in side piece after side piece and Cheryl Cole kept running back to him until she woke up one day and smelled the random snatch juice on his wandering peen. Since Cheryl Cole’s first marriage was a real shit show, she decided to give marriage another try and she’s decided to make a French playboy she met for the first time at a club in April her second husband. Maybe this is a viral marketing stunt for he song “Crazy Stupid Love“?
31-year-old Cheryl wrote on her website yesterday that she married her 33-year-old French boyfriend of 3 months Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini (You know bitch had to ask him three times how to spell his first name) on a beach in Mustique.
I USUALLY DO NOT DISCUSS MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT TO STOP THE SPECULATION I WANT TO SHARE MY HAPPY NEWS… JEAN-BERNARD AND I MARRIED ON 7/7/14.. ️ WE ARE VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED TO MOVE FORWARD WITH OUR LIVES TOGETHER..
Cheryl also posted a picture of the ring that Jean-Bernard probably bought at the finest Claire’s in France.
The Daily Mail says that Jean-Bernard is a “hard-partying” French playboy who lives on the Riviera and also has a home in the Caribbean. Jean-Bernard comes from a really rich family and he studied business at NYU. He runs a club and restaurant in the South of France and The New York Times once said he was part of a group of “‘Eurotrash’ et-setters who had lots of money and just as much free time to enjoy it.”
So a millionaire British pop star with dry queefs for brains gets wooed by a sleazy and smarmy French playboy whose trust fund is bigger than the cellar of champagne he bathes in when he does bathe? Why would I not be surprised if Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini from the South of France is actually John Bernard Franklin from a poor family in Iowa who now makes his money swindling dumb rich hos in the South of France? Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is real.
Cheryl Cole marrying some dude she met a second ago isn’t even the dumbest thing she’s ever done. That title forever goes to the gigantic tattoo on Cheryl’s ass and back that looks like a bloody fungus that grew out of her butt and that doctors later tried to burn off. That tattoo is also the best decision Cheryl made, because whenever she makes yet another shitty decision, she can always say, “Well, that bad decision I just made wasn’t worse than the fug abomination on my back.”
Here’s Cheryl and Jean-Bernard, who kind of looks like a mash-up of Jared Leto and Michael Lucas, leaving the Chiltern Firehouse in May.
Who cares if the name “Elena Lenina” makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah’s does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu’s home planet. If this is Elena’s way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it’s totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy’s heart is through his butt.
I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah’s already got the lube.
And here’s some others at tonight’s premiere who obviously didn’t get the memo that the theme of the night was “sex toy hair.” In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.
Above is a video from The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee concert of Gary Barlow and Cheryl Cole kicking, choking, stabbing, murdering, skinning and eating the face off of Lady Cerebellumorwhatever’s “Need You Now.” If a pile of shit could sing, it would sound like that video. If you’re looking for the perfect way to say “I hate you” to your ears, just press play on that mess. Cheryl’s vocal cords sound like they’re hungover and sad. But in Cheryl’s defense, she was talking to Prince Hot Ginge backstage.
The Daily Mail says that Cheryl and PHG got close and talked for a long time before exchanging numbers. If you were standing in front of PHG, your vocal cords would start tingling, your tonsils would swell up (because the tonsils are the clit of the mouth…why did I type that?) and you’d have to use all your strength on keeping your jaw shut since it naturally wants to open when in front of his royal ginger hotness. So this time, Cheryl has a valid excuse for sounding like a deaf, drunk walrus doing bad karaoke.
And more importantly, why in the Hell are they singing that song for The Queen? I bet when 1:15 rolled around the next morning, The Queen was really disappointed that neither Gary Barlow nor Cheryl Cole drunk dialed her ass.