28-year-old Colton Haynes, who came out out last year, has been dating 46-year-old floral artiste Jeff Leatham for a total of three seconds. Or maybe it’s been two or three months. I haven’t totally kept track of the goings on of Colton Haynes’ newly-ish out peen. Colton and Jeff haven’t been together that long, but I guess they’ve already been struck with stage 10 dickmatization and their hearts can’t stop barfing out love for each other, because they got engaged. And Colton’s flower daddy did it up. Jeff proposed to Colton with help from flowers, candles, an opulent Mexican resort, a fireworks show and CHER! The only way Jeff’s proposal could’ve been more glamorously gay is if a hologram Liberace serenaded them on a tiny gold piano while sliding down a rainbow as a bevy of swans in gold crowns presented Colton with his engagement ring.
If you follow Cher on Twitter, you know that Cher was passionate about bringing attention to the water crisis in Flint, Michigan that started back in April 2014. Cher’s twitter activism will soon be moving to a screen bigger than the one on your phone and will be longer than 140 characters. The Hollywood Reporter says Cher is starring in a Lifetime movie about the Flint water crisis.
I know, I shouldn’t be giving any of those evil Hollywood whores ideas, because the world has been though enough and we don’t need a Hocus Pocus reboot starring these three.
We all know that Madge and Lady CaCa have been tugging at each other’s wigs for a while and I guess Lady CaCa once tugged at Katy Perry’s, but last night they stopped shanking at each other for the sake of Instagram likes. Katy Perry (who wore a Pimp Mama Kris wig, now available in a clearance bin at Sears), Madonna and Lady CaCa (who from the neck up looks like an eyebrow-challenged Anne Boleyn) were all at the annual Look At Me Gala last night and they formed the Trifecta of Thirst by hugging on each other for a picture. Not pictured: The luminous Cher rolling her eyes at these STUNT QUEENS.
Madge posted the picture on her Instagram and added the caption:
Girls night out………. Kissing the Ring……..Finally! #metball
This is Madge we’re talking about, so by “kissing the ring,” she obviously means that those two lessers Katy and Gaga are finally paying their respects to the Godmother of Pop. Speaking of kissing the ring, designer Jeremy Scott of Moschino did just that on the red carpet:
Jeremy designed Madge’s look and by “designed” I mean spray painted the name of her album on a black dress and a vampire cape from Party City. If you’re going to steal Macy Gray’s iconic shameless promo gown, then at least do it right and add some sparkles and also put a discount code to use on iTunes.
Katy and Madge showed up to the Met Gala together, because they both wore Moschino. I figured that if anybody was going to take the theme “China: Through The Looking Glass” and run it through the cultural appropriation machine before bedazzling it, it would be Katy Perry. I really thought Katy Perry was going to show up in a neon rickshaw with a rhinestone-encrusted rice hat on her head, chopsticks sticking out of her b-hole, sequined Chinese takeout boxes over her tits, high-heeled Pearl River slippers on her feet and a giant fortune cookie on her crotch. Anyone who opened up her fortune cookie would pull out a fortune that read: “I predict that you will read a 10,000 word think piece about this outfit tomorrow.” But instead she showed up looking like the videos for “Open Your Heart“ and “Opposites Attract” crashed into her at the same time.
Here’s pictures of legendary Cher, Madge, Katy Perry, Gaga and John Mayer (who apparently kissed on Katy at an after-party. ICK NAST). And has anybody seen Drake lately? Does he look like an abuelo? Because it looks like Madge really did suck the youth out of him. She looks downright fetus-ey in the face.
File under: This is the kind of magic that happens when a creative writing major gets an internship at InTouch Weekly.
There’s only 6 answers to the question, “Who is fabulous and fancy enough to hold their own next to the glamorous swan Bruce Jenner?” The answers are: Harald Glööckler, Walter Mercado, Angelyne, Verdine White, a grey poodle in a red sequined smock and CHER! So that’s why this totally real and not-at-all made-up story from The Wall Street Journal of tabloids InTouch Weekly is Botoxed perfection covered in cotton candy-flavored lip gloss. A source (FYI: The name of InTouch’s intern is Alexander Source) says that Bruce Jenner is cleansing his palate of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satantic venom with the high-gloss, oil-based paint that Cher smears on her lips. The source went on to say that Cher and Bruce Jenner (couple name: BruChe. Saying “Broo-Shay” out loud will make a Barbie earring poot out of your b-hole. Yes, that’s where missing Barbie earrings go) have known each other since the 70s and lately they’ve been getting closer and closer and have spent time together at her house in Malibu.
“Cher has been a real confidante to Bruce about his marital problems with Kris,” an insider tells In Touch, explaining that although Cher and Bruce have been friends since the ’70s, they’ve recently been texting and talking nonstop. “They’ve become even closer since Bruce has been spending more time in Malibu — where Cher lives.”
And the recently rekindled friendship is seriously irking the 58-year-old momager. “Kris hasn’t completely given up on her marriage to Bruce yet, so she sees Cher as a threat,” the insider tells In Touch.
“Kris believes that a Bruce-Cher romance is a very real possibility,” says the insider, “and it really upsets her.”
Of course Pimp Mama Kris’ ass lips are getting hot over this. She’s the ambassador to Hell whose sole job is to bring darkness to the world and Cher is an earth angel whose sole job is to bring glitter, wigs and lightness to the world. This is the ultimate battle of good vs. cuntiness and Cher always wins. But who cares about PMK. This is about the most stunning couple of our time. They’re like the lesbian Siegfried and Roy. If the cross-dressing rumors about Bruce are true, then his porn must be Cher’s closet. When friends say, “Those two are so in love that they never leave the house,” they’re not lying.
When they’re not lip-synching to Cher’s songs while strutting around in her wigs and ass-less bedazzled bodysuits in her closet, they’re getting real intimate with each other. No, they don’t fuck. They both don’t want to ruin their makeup. On romantic nights, Cher slips into something more comfortable (read: a rhinestone encrusted hospital gown), gently grabs Bruce’s freshly manicured paw, leads him to a darkened room down the hall, sits him in a chair next to hers and then pulls out two gold syringes full of life’s beauty serum: BOTOX. They take turns filling each other’s faces with that hot sticky Botox and after they’ve repeatedly convulsed with pleasure, they get up and collapse on a faux fur rug where they lie down while talking about astrology for 3 hours. They’re the perfect couple. And no, I have no thoughts on the Ukraine situation, but I have a lot of thoughts about a fake story from InTouch. I’m a really well-rounded individual.
And here’s Bruce Jenner having a moment with the luckiest banana in the world on Mother’s Day:
45 years from now, as we all still wait for iOS7 to update on our iPhones, we’ll still be talking about Miley Cyrus twerking out a fart on Robin Thicke’s crotch. But we shouldn’t be, because the subject should forever be closed now that Cher has spoken. All of our eyeballs have been touched by Cher’s fishnets-covered nalgas, but she tells USA Today that she wasn’t about Miley’s ho shit antics and thinks that Miley needs to smear yogurt all over that yeast-infected tongue. Tell a bitch, Cher!
“I’m not old-fashioned. She could have come out naked, and if she’d just rocked the house, I would have said, ‘You go, girl.’ It just wasn’t done well. She can’t dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn’t great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don’t stick out your tongue if it’s coated. If you’re going to go that far, then think about it before you do it.”
Close your bibles, Cher has spoken! The congregation is released! And the only advice Miley is going to take from Cher is the “come out naked” part.
UPDATE: Miley must’ve threatened to attack Cher with her lizard tongue, because Cher back tracked just a little on Twitter.
Re:Miley S….I Think What I Think,but Having Said That…I’m a little ashamed (which is Total bullshit,how can u B a LITTLE ASHAMED) that I didn’t keep my big Opinionated mouth Shut.WTF is MY PROBLEM ! I’m 2 Old to fall prey 2″Tell us, Oh wise 1,What did YOU think of M.S ? What I should have said,”I didn’t like it that much,but she’s Pushing The Envelope,being an ARTIST ! She’s Talented,& DIDNT COMMIT A FELONY But somehow my ego had 2 get ITS 2 CENTS IN! MY BIG ASS “BAD”,I DIDNT SUPPORT A FELLOW ARTIST.
TRUTHFULLY SHE WAS Fkng BRILLIANT..CAUSE… WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT.
Ps this is Not an apology 4 what I Thought,its a Reminder,that if I don’t practice my principles,I loose Them
Yeah, I think Miley was attacking Cher with her lizard tongue as Cher was typing that out. Because you can feel the fear in her fingers, or maybe she just types like that.
When Cher tweeted the cover of her new album a few days ago, some hating haters said that this picture was nowhere near close to the truth and said that the fingers of several graphic artists must be wrapped in casts from overworking themselves while Photoshopping this golden mess. I didn’t know what they were talking about, because Cher doesn’t need Photoshop since she always looks like every Photoshop tool was used on her. Covering her entire body in wax and getting a face lift a day does that to a person. Sure, the photographer smeared five jars of Vaseline on the lens and all the contrast was used on this picture, but underneath all of that it looks like Cher (with a drop of Courtney Stodden and a sporkful of Xtina) to me.
Cher responded to the Photoshop criers by tweeting the “raw” image:
See, you bitches can shut it! Cher’s arm and titty skin isn’t that smooth from Photoshop. It’s smooth because she gets a full-body Botox transfusion when she awakens in her tomb at sundown. And without Photoshop, Cher’s face still looks like it’s pulled so tight that if she yawns it’ll snap off her head, fly across the room and stick to the wall. Cher doesn’t need Photoshop!
And in related news, Brit Brit’s label announced that the cover of her 2011 album Femme Fatale is going to be replaced, because Cher didn’t do it first, but she did do it better.