If you woke up this morning feeling a little closer to Heaven, there’s a reason for that, and it isn’t your sleep apnea. Iconic, ageless, legendary, wigged QUEEN, Cher, has given the gays and the world what they need: a confirmed full tracklist, album cover and release date of her new ABBA cover album. That erection you woke up with wasn’t morning wood, honey, it was Cher!
One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.
The Cher Show, the musical based on Cher’s life starring three Chers (at different points in her life), is currently trying out in Chicago before going to Broadway. Cher was in the audience this weekend, and after the show, The Chicago Tribune asked her what she thought. Let’s put it this way: at no point did the cast and crew hear a low voice in the orchestra say, “Someone grab me a freakin’ pen so I can stab myself in the eye.” Cher said:
“Some parts of it are really fabulous. We’re going to work on the other parts. In many parts, it was much, much better than I thought it would be. And there were no parts where I wanted to gouge my eyes out. It needs work. I’m not supposed to say that but I don’t care.”
When asked what was going through her mind while she watched the show, Cher answered:
“That’s really hard to say. Some times, I was having a blast. Some times, my mind was wandering. I think those are the parts that are going to get better.”
On the upside, the producers of The Cher Show don’t have to work very hard to improve the musical and guarantee themselves a Tony-winning hit. All they have to do is scrap everything they have, call up RuPaul, and buy the rights to Cher: The Unauthorized Rusical. I bet if they ask nice enough, Miz Cracker will even loan them her Believe wig!
I know when you think about Cher so many words come to mind: Iconic. Legendary. Timeless. Well, get ready to start thinking of another: Hero. Not only does Cher gift the world with the best Twitter feed of human existence and constantly hate on Donald Trump: she also saves lives! Cher out here truly doing the Lord’s work!
It looks like 2018 isn’t turning out to be the complete flaming anal fissure that 2017 was. A jury said “Bye Bitch!” to Bill Cosby, North and South Korea vowed to stop warring, the Golden State Killer was possibly caught, Ryan Murphy made the best decision of his career by casting Joan Collins in the next AHS, the IRS discovered a glitch in my 2016 tax returns and sent me a $16 check, and now we’re learning that ABBA is going to cause ears to jizz out glitter by releasing new music. I’m going to pray that Alexander Skarsgard pops up on my Grindr tonight and messages me with, “Looking?” It can happen! Because if ABBA got back together, anything is possible!
Last night’s Bruno Mars Appreciation Ceremony, er, the Grammy Awards was chock full o’ boring ballads, but one part kind of brought out the funnies and it was a skit involving musicians reading Fire And Fury (the book by Michael Wolff about all the allegedly crazy and stupid shit going down in Trump’s house). Everyone from Cher to Cardi B took turns reading about Trump’s love for McDonald’s and maniacal ways, but the “surprise” reader at the end was Hillary Clinton. Trump’s supporters naturally lost their minds seeing their favorite punching bag take time away from Cardi B’s gift of sound effects. Continue reading