File under: This is the kind of magic that happens when a creative writing major gets an internship at InTouch Weekly.
There’s only 6 answers to the question, “Who is fabulous and fancy enough to hold their own next to the glamorous swan Bruce Jenner?” The answers are: Harald Glööckler, Walter Mercado, Angelyne, Verdine White, a grey poodle in a red sequined smock and CHER! So that’s why this totally real and not-at-all made-up story from The Wall Street Journal of tabloids InTouch Weekly is Botoxed perfection covered in cotton candy-flavored lip gloss. A source (FYI: The name of InTouch’s intern is Alexander Source) says that Bruce Jenner is cleansing his palate of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satantic venom with the high-gloss, oil-based paint that Cher smears on her lips. The source went on to say that Cher and Bruce Jenner (couple name: BruChe. Saying “Broo-Shay” out loud will make a Barbie earring poot out of your b-hole. Yes, that’s where missing Barbie earrings go) have known each other since the 70s and lately they’ve been getting closer and closer and have spent time together at her house in Malibu.
“Cher has been a real confidante to Bruce about his marital problems with Kris,” an insider tells In Touch, explaining that although Cher and Bruce have been friends since the ’70s, they’ve recently been texting and talking nonstop. “They’ve become even closer since Bruce has been spending more time in Malibu — where Cher lives.”
And the recently rekindled friendship is seriously irking the 58-year-old momager. “Kris hasn’t completely given up on her marriage to Bruce yet, so she sees Cher as a threat,” the insider tells In Touch.
“Kris believes that a Bruce-Cher romance is a very real possibility,” says the insider, “and it really upsets her.”
Of course Pimp Mama Kris’ ass lips are getting hot over this. She’s the ambassador to Hell whose sole job is to bring darkness to the world and Cher is an earth angel whose sole job is to bring glitter, wigs and lightness to the world. This is the ultimate battle of good vs. cuntiness and Cher always wins. But who cares about PMK. This is about the most stunning couple of our time. They’re like the lesbian Siegfried and Roy. If the cross-dressing rumors about Bruce are true, then his porn must be Cher’s closet. When friends say, “Those two are so in love that they never leave the house,” they’re not lying.
When they’re not lip-synching to Cher’s songs while strutting around in her wigs and ass-less bedazzled bodysuits in her closet, they’re getting real intimate with each other. No, they don’t fuck. They both don’t want to ruin their makeup. On romantic nights, Cher slips into something more comfortable (read: a rhinestone encrusted hospital gown), gently grabs Bruce’s freshly manicured paw, leads him to a darkened room down the hall, sits him in a chair next to hers and then pulls out two gold syringes full of life’s beauty serum: BOTOX. They take turns filling each other’s faces with that hot sticky Botox and after they’ve repeatedly convulsed with pleasure, they get up and collapse on a faux fur rug where they lie down while talking about astrology for 3 hours. They’re the perfect couple. And no, I have no thoughts on the Ukraine situation, but I have a lot of thoughts about a fake story from InTouch. I’m a really well-rounded individual.
And here’s Bruce Jenner having a moment with the luckiest banana in the world on Mother’s Day:
45 years from now, as we all still wait for iOS7 to update on our iPhones, we’ll still be talking about Miley Cyrus twerking out a fart on Robin Thicke’s crotch. But we shouldn’t be, because the subject should forever be closed now that Cher has spoken. All of our eyeballs have been touched by Cher’s fishnets-covered nalgas, but she tells USA Today that she wasn’t about Miley’s ho shit antics and thinks that Miley needs to smear yogurt all over that yeast-infected tongue. Tell a bitch, Cher!
“I’m not old-fashioned. She could have come out naked, and if she’d just rocked the house, I would have said, ‘You go, girl.’ It just wasn’t done well. She can’t dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn’t great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don’t stick out your tongue if it’s coated. If you’re going to go that far, then think about it before you do it.”
Close your bibles, Cher has spoken! The congregation is released! And the only advice Miley is going to take from Cher is the “come out naked” part.
UPDATE: Miley must’ve threatened to attack Cher with her lizard tongue, because Cher back tracked just a little on Twitter.
Re:Miley S….I Think What I Think,but Having Said That…I’m a little ashamed (which is Total bullshit,how can u B a LITTLE ASHAMED) that I didn’t keep my big Opinionated mouth Shut.WTF is MY PROBLEM ! I’m 2 Old to fall prey 2″Tell us, Oh wise 1,What did YOU think of M.S ? What I should have said,”I didn’t like it that much,but she’s Pushing The Envelope,being an ARTIST ! She’s Talented,& DIDNT COMMIT A FELONY But somehow my ego had 2 get ITS 2 CENTS IN! MY BIG ASS “BAD”,I DIDNT SUPPORT A FELLOW ARTIST.
TRUTHFULLY SHE WAS Fkng BRILLIANT..CAUSE… WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT.
Ps this is Not an apology 4 what I Thought,its a Reminder,that if I don’t practice my principles,I loose Them
Yeah, I think Miley was attacking Cher with her lizard tongue as Cher was typing that out. Because you can feel the fear in her fingers, or maybe she just types like that.
When Cher tweeted the cover of her new album a few days ago, some hating haters said that this picture was nowhere near close to the truth and said that the fingers of several graphic artists must be wrapped in casts from overworking themselves while Photoshopping this golden mess. I didn’t know what they were talking about, because Cher doesn’t need Photoshop since she always looks like every Photoshop tool was used on her. Covering her entire body in wax and getting a face lift a day does that to a person. Sure, the photographer smeared five jars of Vaseline on the lens and all the contrast was used on this picture, but underneath all of that it looks like Cher (with a drop of Courtney Stodden and a sporkful of Xtina) to me.
Cher responded to the Photoshop criers by tweeting the “raw” image:
See, you bitches can shut it! Cher’s arm and titty skin isn’t that smooth from Photoshop. It’s smooth because she gets a full-body Botox transfusion when she awakens in her tomb at sundown. And without Photoshop, Cher’s face still looks like it’s pulled so tight that if she yawns it’ll snap off her head, fly across the room and stick to the wall. Cher doesn’t need Photoshop!
And in related news, Brit Brit’s label announced that the cover of her 2011 album Femme Fatale is going to be replaced, because Cher didn’t do it first, but she did do it better.
Two years before Tommy Girl married Mimi Rogers and took his first steps in becoming one of Scientology’s highest-ranking bridge empresses, he screwed around with Cher for a minute. Tommy was a fetus-faced 23 year old and Cher was 39 years old with the skin of a couple of fetuses stapled to her face. Even though that was ten million faces ago for Cher, she still remembers it and squirts out a little barley syrup when she thinks of all the times the tips of Tommy’s toes rubbed against her inner thighs as he gave it to her missionary style.
On last night’s Watch What Happens Live (via People), Andy Cohen played a little game of Truth or Cher (I CAN’T!) with Cher and asked her who out of all her lovers (including Schonny Bono, David Geffen, Gregg Allman, Val Kilmer, etc….) was the best lover. Cher let that question marinate on her brain for a second before Andy Cohen asked her about Tommy. The boys in the Scientology bathhouse all screamed and snapped for Tommy when Cher said that he was in her top 5.
I really wish Andy Cohen had Cher on his show on Wednesday night and I really wish I would’ve seen it live. Because watching Cher tell Andy Cohen that Tommy Girl was one of her top 5 lovahs while wearing a Beetlejuice suit and sitting in front of Donny & Marie dolls would’ve been the greatest and gayest way to celebrate the fall of DOMA.
And here’s Cher (looking like the Queen of the Damned’s memaw), Andy Cohen and Susanne Bartsch at the opening night of Q Thursday at Marquee in NYC last night.
It’s like the before and after of a collagen embalming. You decide who’s the before and who’s the after.
The chemical aroma of melting plastic, burnt Shrinky Dinks and Turtle Wax was in the air at ArcLight Hollywood last night when Demi Moore looked deep into the face of her future on Cher’s head. I’m sure that Cher and Demi have run into each other before in the lobby of a plastic surgery clinic, but both of their heads were wrapped in gauze at the time so they barely recognized one another. But at The AFI Night at the Movies last night they could finally bond over their mutual love of the scalpel. Cher probably told Demi that she really needs a third lip, because three lips are so much better than two. Demi looked at Cher’s cheeks and told her that she really needs to put more CCs of silicone into those things, because if your face cheeks can’t perfectly fit into a 32B bra, they’re not big enough.
Looking at this picture makes me wish that Demi could really, really sing. Because if she could, these two could recruit Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas and start a Morticia Addams doo-wop group. If only.
And here’s the lucky ones who got to bask in the plastic beauty of Demi and Cher. In order after D and C: Shirley MacLaine with Sally Field (doing the “friends at the prom” pose), Kevin Spacey (he really needs to rethink his toupee situation), Harrison Ford (he really needs to rethink that earring), Kathy Bates, Samuel L. Jackson and Kurt “I Want To Swim Naked Through The Silvery Hair Waves On His Head” Russell.
Never mind that Cher had John Travolta’s Battlefield Earth wig on top of her head, I think my heart burped out a warm feeling last night when her eyes got covered with a shiny layer of pride after watching Chaz Bono twist his shit to the Rocky theme song on Dancing with the Stars. It’s the same look I made when I read that there’s an IHOP in the East Village now. Cher’s got that Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity twinkle in her eye.
Cher beaming with pride through her face reminds me of the time that my mom gave me a “good job” hug after my 3rd grade recorder recital even though I stopped blowing halfway (insert your “how times have changed” joke here) and sat my quitting ass down. Just proud as all shit to see their child up there. Chaz and Lacey Schwimmer get an A for effort and they also get a very special A for delivering one of the messiest performances of the night. It was like watching a Fourth of July-themed Scion commercial starring those dancing hamsters.
I don’t care if reading one of Cher’s Tweets makes me feel like a blind person trying to read Braille written in chewed-up dot candies, when I uncross my eyes and finally see what she’s trying to say it makes my everything. Picturing Cher in her don’t fuck with me boots spiking Kim Kartrashian in the triple dirty diaper ass up and down the 405 freeway is a dollop of whipped everything on top of my everything.
When the Kardashian’s “fans” (aka Pimp Mama Kris and Baby Mason working overtime in the Kardashian Kommand Kenter) questioned Cher’s Tweets, she backpedaled a little, but it was too late. Cher has spoken and she got it right the first time! Kick those bitches down the freeway (which probably looks a lot like throwing a hot dog down a hallway).
And if you’re wondering what Cher’s child was up to last night, here he is swaying his polyester-slather fupa with Lacey Schwimmer who looked like Donatella Versace looking into a fun house mirror after my 6th grade Antarctica diorama project (featuring sea foam, seals and albatrosses galore) exploded on her. If you told me that Chaz Rumbas as good as Cher operates a keyboard, I wouldn’t call you a lie teller.
In case you haven’t heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC’s site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the “LGBT agenda.” Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you’d have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they’d only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails.
They don’t seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer’s toe jam (see: Nancy Grace) is in the cast, but they’re clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that’s what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol:
OMG – did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn’t get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn’t go to Hollywood! I hope it isn’t censored. OMG …I can’t believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans “U know what to this freak”?
Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what’s going on in Chaz Bono’s down below parts, I would think you’d know that he hasn’t had a “dead man’s U know what” attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren’t looking somebody attached a dead man’s anus over your mouth since what’s coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let’s get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that’s the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole’ girl!
Chaz Bono’s mother Cher also jumped to her son’s defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him:
lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it
I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply
Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW …Mothers don’t stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children !
It’s times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.
While rehearsing his Oscar host debut, James Franco recorded his version of Cher’s “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque and uploaded it to his Twatter as a joke. James claims they pulled this mess from the show out of fear that it’ll make Cher’s latest face throw itself in an open urn.
James is the greatest performance artist since Angelyne, the literary mind of every generation, a master at the art of memorizing lines and now he can add “homeless drunk hobo chanteuse” to his ever growing list of talents. Warning: This goes on forever and it’s the audio equivalent of that picture above. Your ear drums will gnash themselves as much as your retinas are:
Personally, if James is going to do Cher, I’d rather he put his vocal cords to bed and pay homage to her by slipping on her “If I Could Turn Back Time” crotch-suffocating bodysuit.
Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis could melt the UV protection off my eye glasses, but seeing Cher with a ginger mop on her head proves to me that she was meant to play Joan in Mad Men. WOOO! DONNY DRAPER! We all see it! But in Christina’s defense, if Cher had a blonde pigtail wig on I’d say that she was meant to play Little Sally Draper too. So what I’m getting at is that they should just erase the entire cast of Mad Men and redo it with Cher in every role.
Cher dropped a Florence + the Machine on her head and slipped into one of Morticia’s old dressing gowns for the London premiere of Burlesque tonight where she was joined by Veronica Mars and Xtina.
Speaking of Xtina, ever since one of my friends recently said that she looks like she should be singing with Tommy Gnosis in a diner I’ve been all about her mess of a look. If only Xtina went FULL HEDWIG and fixed her Vincent Price-like eyebrow situation.