Even though we all know a nuclear bomb would only leave the world with Cher and an audience of cockroaches, the chanteuse has been floating the idea of retirement since before most of us were old enough to pass for the age on our fake IDs and we can all remember the scam of her first farewell tour. Cher says she’s retiring as much as I lie about my weight to my doctor, but the beat and the albums go on. Her ABBA cover album finally came out today, and she still says she has thoughts of hanging it up.
Pop radio these days may sooner play the sounds of an actual cat fight (which oddly does sound like most of Ariana Grande’s new album) over new songs from Cher and Madonna, so those two have to do something to get us to keep paying attention. I mean, not me. “Ray Of Light” and “If I Could Turn Back Time” may as well be certified gay lullabies, but, y’know, some controversy is good for the potential converts out there!
Cher ruined the positive-thoughts-only rule on Ellen DeGeneres’ show the other day by responding to the “Who would you want to work with?” question with “Not Madonna.” Ellen didn’t think that was nice, but Cher doesn’t seem to have given a fuck because she’s taking that sentiment on a world tour and repeating it to the Canadian press.
In a recent appearance on Ellen, Cher reignited a long-standing… something that’s not exactly a feud per se (a feud implies two evenly matched foes)- let’s call it a “difference in approach” between herself and Madonna. Cher, resplendent in elegantly styled Scandinavian ABBA locks, played a game called “The 5-Second Rule” where she quickly had to answer the question “name 5 celebrities you’d want to do a duet with”. Congratulations to Adele and Pink, you made the list! Take a victory lap, make it happen. I would eat those duets up with a rhinestone fork. However, condolences are in order for Madge.
We’ve all known for a while that Cher is blasphemous for not being a Cher fan, but now she’s just taking it too far! While any of us good gays and gayelles would get our card taken away if we couldn’t recite every line from Moonstruck, Cher has made it clear in the past that she doesn’t like the sound of her voice. Well, now it appears that she doesn’t like seeing herself on camera because she said she still hasn’t really seen her performance in Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again.
If you woke up this morning feeling a little closer to Heaven, there’s a reason for that, and it isn’t your sleep apnea. Iconic, ageless, legendary, wigged QUEEN, Cher, has given the gays and the world what they need: a confirmed full tracklist, album cover and release date of her new ABBA cover album. That erection you woke up with wasn’t morning wood, honey, it was Cher!
One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.