You know that saying about how you can’t get blood from a stone or water from a rock, or whatever? (Some of you whores may have thought of that saying while breaking your hand bones from spending way too long trying to get jizz out of a Viagra-made boner.) I thought of that saying while watching Cher squirt out tears, because I thought the stunning goddess molded out of plasticine had her tear ducts filled with Botox years ago. But I guess the magical power of Adam Lambert’s voice made the impossible happen.
The Kennedy Center Honors (not to be confused with my favorite kind of honors, The Kennedy Davenport Honors) happened earlier this month, but it aired on CBS last night. The moment that is making the rounds is when Freddie Mercury’s Wednesday matinee understudy cooed out an easy listening rendition of Cher’s biggest hit Believe. Besides Cher’s eyes releasing tears of sparkling beauty as though she just heard the words, “Trump’s been impeached,” my favorite part is at the 1:22 mark when Glamberace pulls out his ear monitor. You know a singer is about to drop some dramatic shit on you when they pull out their ear monitor. (Tip: Whenever you’re doing karaoke and are about to hit a high note while singing your song of choice, pull out an imaginary ear monitor and watch the bitches tip over.)
Okay, I changed my mind. My favorite part starts at the 2:17 mark when he lets out two theatrical gasps while looking up. My guess is that the first gasp came from his mind being blown over his own angelic voice, and the second came from him seeing the face of God, and yes by the face of God I mean Cher in the balcony.
If Kim Kardashian had her own version of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music, she might list off attention, money, whatever is injected into her butt and Cher’s name. Kim loves Cher and dressed as her for Halloween. Last night, she and Kanye West went to the opening night performance of the Broadway musical based on Cher’s life, The Cher Show. Since Kanye’s version of “My Favorite Things” would just involve listing his own name 20 to 30 times, it should come as no surprise that Kanye didn’t care about anything other than himself and texted during the show.
Even though we all know a nuclear bomb would only leave the world with Cher and an audience of cockroaches, the chanteuse has been floating the idea of retirement since before most of us were old enough to pass for the age on our fake IDs and we can all remember the scam of her first farewell tour. Cher says she’s retiring as much as I lie about my weight to my doctor, but the beat and the albums go on. Her ABBA cover album finally came out today, and she still says she has thoughts of hanging it up.
Pop radio these days may sooner play the sounds of an actual cat fight (which oddly does sound like most of Ariana Grande’s new album) over new songs from Cher and Madonna, so those two have to do something to get us to keep paying attention. I mean, not me. “Ray Of Light” and “If I Could Turn Back Time” may as well be certified gay lullabies, but, y’know, some controversy is good for the potential converts out there!
Cher ruined the positive-thoughts-only rule on Ellen DeGeneres’ show the other day by responding to the “Who would you want to work with?” question with “Not Madonna.” Ellen didn’t think that was nice, but Cher doesn’t seem to have given a fuck because she’s taking that sentiment on a world tour and repeating it to the Canadian press.
In a recent appearance on Ellen, Cher reignited a long-standing… something that’s not exactly a feud per se (a feud implies two evenly matched foes)- let’s call it a “difference in approach” between herself and Madonna. Cher, resplendent in elegantly styled Scandinavian ABBA locks, played a game called “The 5-Second Rule” where she quickly had to answer the question “name 5 celebrities you’d want to do a duet with”. Congratulations to Adele and Pink, you made the list! Take a victory lap, make it happen. I would eat those duets up with a rhinestone fork. However, condolences are in order for Madge.
We’ve all known for a while that Cher is blasphemous for not being a Cher fan, but now she’s just taking it too far! While any of us good gays and gayelles would get our card taken away if we couldn’t recite every line from Moonstruck, Cher has made it clear in the past that she doesn’t like the sound of her voice. Well, now it appears that she doesn’t like seeing herself on camera because she said she still hasn’t really seen her performance in Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again.