For many of us, Charo is a human disco ball ray of potent happiness and brings us joy with every little cuchi cuchi she does, so now it’s our turn to cuchi cuchi some healing thoughts at her, because she’s in a dark, bad place right now.
TMZ says that Charo’s husband, Kjell Rasten, shot himself yesterday in the Beverly Hills home he shares with her. He was 78. To add a heaping mound of sad on an already mountain of sad, Charo was reportedly home at the time.
I don’t know if the foolery providers behind Sharknado give zero fucks or give way too many fucks. I think it’s the second one, but I’m not hating, because they have done what the makers of The Crown should’ve done: they cast Charo as the Queen of England in Sharknado 5: Global Swarming! The tagline for that mess is, “Make America Bait Again!” That’s got me thinking. If Trump never ran for president and SyFy cast him as the president in a Sharknado movie, we’d be like, “Oh, SyFy, time to stop lacing your crack with LSD!”
The good news is that none of us have to watch Dancing with the Stars anymore since the only reason to watch is now gone. The sad news is that we have once again been reminded that Americans shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything since the people can’t get shit right. Charo was told to exit stage left last night after she got the lowest total score. Charo was in the bottom two with fucking Nick Vile from The Bachelor. Yes, a no-talent-having bowl of unseasoned cauliflower mash got a higher total score than an international superstar legend! This country…
Dancing with Charo (And A Bunch Of Nobodies) had its second episode on Monday, and Deadline says the ratings were down. It’s obvious why. The jealous and shit-brained judges committed an illegal act by giving Charo a score of 21 out of 40 the week before. The people just couldn’t bear to watch as the judges continued to do the ultimate wrong by giving the flawless Spanish rose such low scores. Charo apparently agrees.
Usually the theme of an episode of Dancing with the Stars is: desperate bitches doing a lazy waltz for a check and relevancy. But the theme of last night’s season premiere of Dancing with CHARO! (And A Bunch Of Tricks You Don’t Care About) was: cooch. There were performances by the Cuchi Cuchi queen herself and Erika “Pat The Puss” Jayne, and the hand of some bull rider just so happened to make its way onto the cooch of his partner.
It only took 24 seasons, but I can finally stop calling it Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases, because the producers achieved the impossible. They were able to get the biggest star in the world: CHARO!!!!!