There’s probably a number of things that would suck about having Charlie Sheen as your dad. Hugs that smell like burnt hair and vodka. Birthday “cards” that are coke poems written on the back of CDC reminder notices. Waking up one morning and realizing that you haven’t seen him in two months. And we can add another thing to the list.
According to Radar, two of Charlie Sheen’s kids are having a hard time finding a school to go to, and it’s all because of who their dad is. A source claims that ever since Charlie Sheen encouraged his fans to send dog poo and rotten eggs to his daughter’s school back in 2013, private schools in Los Angeles have been politely declining meetings with Denise Richards and have slid applications for Sam and Lola Sheen straight into the trash.
“Sam and Lola have applied for admission at numerous private schools, and have been rejected at every single one. The girls have great grades, and test very well. Several of the schools made it clear there couldn’t be any risk of one of Charlie’s infamous tirades. These schools are the best of the best, and do everything to stay out of the media.”
I’m with them on that one. Nobody wants Charlie Sheen to show up on Career Day and start ranting about his “evil terrorist sack of landfill rash” ex-wife.
Sam and Lola aren’t totally up Sheen Creek on this one; the source says that Denise Richards is moving to an area with some good public schools. On the bright side, at least the public school system will give them a fresh start. Denise, now is the time you “accidentally” enroll them as Sam and Lola Smith.
Because daddy gets to do whatever daddy wants on Father’s Day,
Father of the Year Deadbeat Daddy of the Decade Charlie Sheen spent his Father’s Day being an asshole on Twitter. Uh, Happy Father’s Day?
Rather than waking up to a whole bunch of home-made paper ties and enjoying breakfast in bed, Charlie woke up from the pile of cigarette ash and stanky porn star thongs he slept in the night before, hopped on Twitter, and hissed like a barely-coherent methed-up snake at the mother of two of his children, Denise Richards. Charlie’s Father’s Day message, which has since been deleted – because apparently there’s at least one small shred of shame left in his body – was written in his signature crackhead free verse. So, just a heads up to those of you who get a headache every time you read the shit Charlie Sheen writes.
To quote the desperate, hard-up trick who eyes me for a minute while looking for a hook-up at the gay bar: “Um, too easy!”
Seen above with his foundation-covered skin looking like the inside of a Whopper, Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital on Monday. Usually when I read the words “Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital,” I assume that his liver once again made a break for it out of his warlock asshole. Or I figure that his nose fell into a porn star’s poon and he went to the hospital to get it re-attached again. But Charlie’s rep, Jeffrey Ballard, tells UsWeekly that he got “food poisoning” after filling his mouth with “bad clams” and he was fine after getting “hydrated” at the hospital. Some source tells TMZ that paramedics took Charlie to the hospital after he complained of having chest pains. If I was telling you this story in person, I’d probably lose a few hundred calories from making so many air quotes with my fingers.
“It was clams, bad clams,” Ballard tells Us. “Nothing too exciting.”
“They checked him out, hydrated him and sent him on his way,” Sheen’s publicist told Us. “He was back home in bed 90 minutes later.”
We shouldn’t make jokes, because this is how Michael Douglas got throat cancer.
And I’m sure the universe will keep on churning out “two easy” nuggets like this and we’ll soon read about how Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Coca-Cola in Peru.
Pinocchio’s long-lost bulgy-pantsed brother Brian Williams is currently public enemy no. 1 with most people he knows after he admitted to “misremembering” a bunch of stuff he said he did. Tom Brokaw is over his lying ass, NBC News told him to clear out his desk for the next 6 months, Lester Holt and the NBC News team took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his identity. Even the NBC Peacock is like “yeah, I don’t know that guy…“. But there is one person out there who is standing behind Brian Williams in solidarity, and that person is Captain Crazy of the S.S. Meth Mouth, Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen just couldn’t bear to remain silent on the unfair treatment Brian Williams was receiving, so he took a break from thinking about running for President in 2016 to write a letter to his favorite former news anchor explaining that he knows the TRUTH: that this is nothing but a “vile witch hunt” against American Hero Brian Williams. Charlie gave said letter to TMZ (aka he was found in the TMZ parking lot screaming “HEY, SOMEBODY WRITE THIS DOWN” into a broken bullhorn) and it’s long and it’s crazy, so it’s after the cut.
Charlie Sheen Took An Angry Swipe At Kim Kardashian Because She Wouldn’t Sign An Autograph For A Kid (UPDATE)
I’m sure you’re like “So Charlie Sheen got into a fight with a hooker? So what? This is news?“, but it is news, because for the first time in history it has nothing to do with money or drugs or pawning the diamond engagement ring he gave them when he was high on drugs. According to TMZ, the current bee in Charlie Sheen’s meth-scorched bonnet is none other than Kim Kardashian. Random, thy name is whatever the hell this situation is.
Charlie tells TMZ that it all started after his friend C. Thomas Howell told him a story about the time he witnessed a 6-year-old Kim K superfan ask PMK’s bottom bitch for an autograph. Charlie says Kim – who he refers to as “Scar-Trashion” – turned the kid down like a rude bitch by telling her assistant “Oh god, can you handle this?” before speeding away in her car, and now the little girl “cries about it every night before she goes to sleep.” Or maybe she was just upset after seeing Kim’s spackle-coated rubber cat mask face in real life? Either way, Charlie clearly doesn’t like it when famous types make children sad, so he hissed the following Twitter rant at Kim:
“you are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass. Let’s compare resumes loser…yeah I thot so. your public loves u. give some thing back or go fuk yourself…”
“my apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day….“
“I hope his vision returns one day” – that’s kind of rich coming from a dude who, depending on the lighting, sometimes looks like a human Boglin. He then wrapped up his fart-scented air kiss to Kim with the hashtag #GiantAssZeroClass. “That’s klass with a K. Get it right” hissed back Kim’s agent, Lucifer H. Satan.
Of course, a source close to Kim says it’s not true, and she’ll never say no to an autograph, especially for a child.
What Charlie doesn’t realize is that he’s directing his anger towards the wrong person. He should be mad at that 6-year-old girl! Kim only has so many hours in the day to get photographed walking to and from her car, and she doesn’t have time to stop and sign autographs. Duh! If that kid was such a fan, she would know not to bother Kim while she’s “working”.
UPDATE: Charlie must have received a visit from Lucifer H. Satan’s goon squad (Rob and Khloe), because he just released an apology to Kim.
File this under: This is why Denise Richards is cackling today.
The inspirational, beautiful story of the love between the warlockized herpes strain Charlie Sheen and his porn piece Brett Rossi was supposed to end with her spoon feeding coke cut with Benefiber into his pepaw nostrils before cutting out a dick hole in his Depends diaper so the hooker they hired has easy access. They were supposed to be together forever. But just like a coochie when Charlie puts his nasty tongue on it, their love foamed at the mouth before dying. They are over.
In just a few weeks, Brett Rossi was supposed to walk down the aisle while carrying a bouquet of crack rocks and she was supposed to officially become Charlie Sheen’s fourth wife after the officiant, Ron Jeremy, announced, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now snort a fat line off of your bride’s asshole.” Charlie tells E! News that he called off their 8-month-old engagement and put Brett on the curb. In the statement he shat up to E!, Charlie calls Brett “Scotty” and I don’t know if that’s his nickname for her or if he just calls everyone that because he can’t remember names. (Added note: I must be on crack because I forgot she changed her name to Scottine Sheen which sounds like a brand of toilet paper.)
“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list. She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together. I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”
After reading the line, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus,” Judy at the CPS office in L.A. just screamed out, “GODDAMNSIT,” in her cubicle, picked up her phone and called her kids to tell them that she can’t take them to Knott’s Berry Farm this weekend, because she’s going to be really busy with work since Charlie’s inconsiderate ass has decided he needs to spend time with his kids and ruin them some more. Poor Judy.
The bad news for Brett Rossi is that even though she probably got a good severance package (a leather suitcase full of money and a lifetime supply of Valtrex), she won’t be honored by the Gold Digger Hall of Fame anytime soon because she didn’t secure herself a regular alimony check by making a cracked out Charlie marry her in a drive-thru wedding chapel in Nevada. The good news for Brett Rossi is that she dodged a bullet and I mean that both figuratively and literally.
The crack blister clinging to humanity’s lip was hit with a lawsuit yesterday by the dental technician who claims he punched her chest and grabbed her chichis while he was fucked up on crack and nitrous oxide. So basically, Charlie Sheen allegedly pulled a Charlie Sheen.
On Thursday, TMZ burped a story about how the LAPD were investigating a complaint from a dental technician who says that the cracked out grandpa zombie got violent with her and later pulled a knife on his dentist during a visit to get an abscess in his mouth removed. Charlie Sheen’s lawyer Marty Singer immediately shat on the story and said that the tech is out for revenge, because she was fired for violating HIPAA laws by telling her son that Charlie Sheen was in her office. The dentist also told TMZ that Charlie never pulled a knife on him and the tech is spilling lies.
The tech, Margarita Palestino, is sticking with her story and is suing Charlie for the emotional distress she suffered after he assaulted and sexually battered her. Can we also join the lawsuit, because I’m pretty sure most of us are suffering from emotional distress after looking at that picture of him above.
UPDATE: Now TMZ is saying that the LAPD talked to Charlie’s dentist and the dentist’s story is totally different from his technician’s story. Charges probably won’t be pressed. Charlie’s rep says that he wasn’t high on “rock cocaine,” but he did have a freak out in the chair. Charlie’s on pain meds for a shoulder injury and his meds mixed with nitrous made his body flail around. He knocked a tray over but didn’t slap anyone. Charlie’s rep says the technician is getting revenge on him because she was fired on Friday for violating HIPPA laws by telling her son that Charlie was in the office. That info somehow got back to Charlie and the dentist fired her. This story still doesn’t make sense, but it’s Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It might seem a little excessive that she was fired for telling a family member that Charlie Sheen was in the office, but maybe it wasn’t, because her son could’ve definitely sold that info since Charlie Sheen going to an actual dentist to have his nasty teeth worked on IS breaking news. Now here’s the original story:
I know, I’m surprised the dentist didn’t pull a knife on him first. If Charlie Sheen opened his crusty mouth hole in front of you, you’d reach for something sharp, because his breath probably smells like the inside of a hobo’s ass and you never know what kind of mutated gingivitis creature is going to jump out at you.
TMZ says that the LAPD is investigating a situation that went down at Charlie Sheen’s dentist’s office last Thursday. Just like most of us, Charlie “allegedly” did rock cocaine before going to the dentist (HA at me typing “allegedly“), because a visit with the dentist is way more tolerable when you’re cracked out. Charlie was at the dentist to get an abscess removed. Charlie IS an abscess but that’s besides the point. The dental technician told police that while administering him with nitrous oxide, he went crazy and slapped her. The technician left the room as Charlie’s bodyguards went in. Charlie’s dentist and oral surgeon were in the room with his bodyguard. She heard a bunch of chaos before the dentist came out of the room and told her that the formerly winning, tiger-blooded warlock pulled a knife on his ass and went after him. Maybe in his coke rock and nitrous-induced haze, Charlie thought his dentist was Brooke Mueller? If you’re thinking that the fighting skills of a cracked out warlock on nitrous oxide can’t be that great, you’re right. The dentist wasn’t hurt.
When you’re waiting in line at a Taco Bell drive-thru late at night, you pretty much expect to see a plastered, no-tooth-having, crackhead mess wandering around between cars. But in L.A., the drunken Taco Bell drive-thru trolls are famous! Case in point: A guy and his girlfriend were at a Taco Bell when in the distance they spotted a wild Charlie Sheen looking like cold Hell dragged through ten puddles of lukewarm shit and dumpster syrup. In other words, like his usual, beautiful self!
The guy and his girlfriend called Charlie over and when the grand pimp of #winning stumbled up to their window, he said the words he didn’t need to say since it’s already a given. Charlie said, “Sorry, I’m so fuckin’ hammered.” How Charlie hasn’t officially changed his name to “So F.N. Hammered” is beyond me? Charlie showed his fans the Charlie Brown tattoo on his tit and he also sanded the skin right off of their faces with his extra coarse sandpaper voice. THAT VOICE. Charlie Sheen’s porn star pieces don’t have to spend money on getting their coochies waxed, because he can pull their pubes out by the root just by grunting at their crotches. Charlie played with his fans for a little bit before some dude he was with named Gary (probably his sober coach and driver) told him to let ’em go.
Charlie Sheen is a dingle-covered asshole who put his own kids out on the street, but at least he didn’t drive while hammered or try to steal those people’s shit like some other messes we know (LINDSAY LOHAN and SHIA LABEOUF).
But you know, Charlie isn’t even the biggest mess in this video. Those people in the car are. Who admits on camera that they’re a fan of Charlie Sheen?
Charlie Sheen Followed Through With His Threat To Evict Denise Richards By Selling The House And Telling Her To Get Out
During a moment of truly questionable judgement, I recently admitted to Michael K that due to my long-standing crush on Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, a verrrrrry small shameful part of me would. As in would would. Yes, with human bedbug asshole Charlie Sheen, that’s correct (“acknowledge your demons“). Obviously, MK immediately booked me an appointment at that mind-erase clinic from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and told me not to come back till they removed the part of my brain that gets horny from revolting scab people.
But I’m not packing my bags for the lobotomy lab just yet, because hearing about Charlie Sheen pulling the assholiest of asshole moves by evicting Denise Richards and her girls from their home has cured me of EVAH considering rubbing my parts on that piece of human garbage. According to Radar, after months of threatening to evict Denise and her three girls from the home he owns in a fancy gated community, he defined the term “dick move” by selling the home to a friend and leaving some boxes to the left to the left for Denise. No word on whether the “friend” was his trash rat porn star fiancé Brett Rossi, who was pressuring him to sell, or an actual rat who lives in trash who was looking to upgrade his housing situation.
I knew that Charlie Sheen’s brain had rotted into a charred clump of gas station meth long ago, but making your ex-wife and your two daughters homeless is some dark-sided shit. I feel like this mess should be settled in the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin…’s dollar store equivalent Bianca Del Rio (Judge Judy has better things to do than deal with Martin Sheen’s asshole son). Then again, do we even need a trial? Isn’t there some law on the books that says if you’ve spent more than 18 months putting up with Charlie Sheen’s bullshit, you’re automatically entitled to a home and a checking account full of cash and a shot at Sainthood?