Charlie Sheen will go down in history as being a human public service announcement for why you shouldn’t blow all your money on porn stars and blow. Charlie has been involved in some serious financial fuckery as of late and is being chased by the scariest man any rich person could fear: The Taxman. Charlie is trying his hardest to pay back all the money he owes the government but it’s a bit tough when he doesn’t have many coins coming in.
Denise Richards is getting married today in Malibu and it’s been reported by Us Weekly that Charlie Sheen is invited. There are no promises, I’m just saying that there could be reports of tiger blood shed or a menagerie of “goddesses” creating a champagne and canapé shortage at the reception before jumping into the pool. There may or may not be a drug dealer arrested lurking around the valet booth, and we might be able to see video footage of Charlie grabbing the mic off of a bridesmaid for an impromptu wedding speech. In other words, Denise Richards is getting married to Aaron Phypers today, and it could be the greatest wedding of this century.
Today in Broke Celebrity News, Charlie Sheen is claiming he is too poor to handle paying child support to both his exes, Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller. The Blast reports that Charlie filed some requests with the court system to adjust his child support payments, saying his finances are no longer insanely stuffed to the brim and he can no longer afford his children. This is why we need Sex Ed; too many washed up stars end up broke paying for child support. Who’s looking after these people? There oughta be some kind of program to help these men out.
Charlie Sheen’s hand gesture can be read in so many ways. Like an “ok” sign, as in “my current tax situation is the opposite of this,” or the number three, as in the number of IRS agents who call his house on any given day demanding to know where Uncle Sam’s money is. Either way, Charlie Sheen is on the IRS’ shit list.
According to The Blast, Charlie owes $4,967,376.41 in taxes from 2015. That wasn’t such a great year for Charlie; 2015 was also the year Charlie disclosed his status as HIV-positive. What kind of work was Charlie doing to rack up almost $5 million, which I bet is mostly interest and fines, in taxes? Anger Management ran from 2012-2014, and his 9/11 movie didn’t come out and bomb in theaters until 2017. Maybe all that money is what he owes on his Two and a Half Men residuals from the reruns that air all the time.
As for how or if Charlie is going to pay, I suppose he could use some of the money he’ll get if his $10 million Beverly Hills mansion ever sells.
All I know for sure is that Tori Spelling is probably smiling bigger than the average dental bus bench ad, because Charlie Sheen’s tax woes are nowhere close to hers. She only owed a couple hundred thousands dollars. Honestly, she should keep this information in her back pocket for the next time the IRS calls. “Okay yes I owe you tons of money, but if you think about it this way, I’m basically 1/8th of a Charlie Sheen, so….”
Charlie Sheen Has Settled His Lawsuit Against The National Enquirer Over Their Corey Haim Allegations
Back in November, actor/director Dominick Brascia publicly accused Charlie Sheen of raping Corey Haim on the set of the ’80s film Lucas. Charlie fully denied the allegations and and sued the National Enquirer, who published Dominick’s story, for defamation. TMZ says that Charlie and the National Enquirer have settled the lawsuit.
Corey Feldman might have been picking out his nicest fedora to wear in the event he was called as a character witness in court, but it sounds like it’s not ever going to get to that point. Charlie’s lawyers have requested the lawsuit be dismissed with prejudice, which means the lawsuit can’t be filed in the future. TMZ notes that’s usually a sign both parties have struck a deal they’re happy with. I figured that this meant that Mr. National Enquirer (basically a trash bag with googly eyes) shot their best pal Trump a text that said, “Little tight on cash – you mind loaning us some hush money for something?“. But according to sources that spoke with TMZ, there was no money involved in Charlie’s settlement and both sides are “fully satisfied” with the terms of their agreement.
Charlie Sheen hasn’t said anything about dropping his lawsuit, and you know what? I’m okay with that. This situation has been a mess from minute one, and I really don’t need it to turn even more awful by reading Charlie’s fried-brain rantings about how he won against the Enquirer. Even if he’s innocent like he maintains he is, maybe it’s time he just slowly backed away as far as possible from the legacy of Lucas. In fact, if someone could just re-cut Lucas into scenes featuring only Corey Haim and Winona Ryder, that would be much appreciated.
1986’s “nerdy kid triumphs” classic Lucas was forever ruined for us when The National Enquirer ran a story last month claiming 19-year-old cast member Charlie Sheen raped 13-year-old Corey Haim during filming. Multiversal super-wreck Charlie wasn’t chuffed by this accusation, and TMZ reports that he’s suing the Enquirer. You can imagine the future witticisms (written in straight-up tiger blood) we’ll be gifted with from THAT particular court transcript. Continue reading