Charlie Sheen has released a statement about the very messy and sad situation that his ex-wife Brooke Mueller and their 7-year-old twin sons found themselves in this week in Salt Lake City, Utah. And in true “Charlie Sheen always makes it messier” fashion, his statement comes in the form of a nonsense poem released exclusively to People magazine.
If you’re a Walmart parking lot drug dealer in the Salt Lake City area, a barefoot tornado of blond messiness may have tried to trade you a kid for a baggie of the bad shit last night. Because TMZ reports that Charlie Sheen’s ex and the mother of his 7-year-old twins, Bob and Max, caused a scene at a bar last night and they were all missing for a few hours.
Charlie Sheen has been really into this year’s World Series, because the Cleveland Indians played and that was the team used in his 1989 movie Major League. Two weeks ago, Charlie tweeted a picture of himself as Major League’s sexiest near-sighted fastball-throwing felon Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn and joked: “if called upon, I’d be honored.” Charlie Sheen even tried really hard (and failed, several times) to get to throw out the first pitch during any of the Indians’ home games. But one of Charlie’s smaller, more lucid dreams did come true last night.
Back in March, Charlie Sheen went to a judge and said that those Two and a Half Men residual checks ain’t what they used to be and asked that his monthly child support payments to Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller be decreased. Charlie claimed he couldn’t afford those giant child support checks for his four kids, because his million-dollar days were behind him. He said that he’s only making a little over $87, 000 a month now. That’s still a lot of money, but it doesn’t take a Suze Orman to see that that’s no where near enough to cover the two $55,000 checks he wrote to Denise and Brooke each month.
Denise and Brooke could have fought Charlie for the money, but instead they decided to play nice and give him a child support break. Just call them Charlie’s Financial Angels.
Charlie Sheen was in the UK over the weekend, because he did a live interview with fellow flaming suppository Piers Morgan at a theater in London. Watching Charlie and Piers in a conversation is probably like watching two b-holes take turns busting out a sloppy wet fart into each other. Charlie was on The Graham Norton Show to promote his live scat show with Piers, and the subject of Donald Trump was brought up.
In the past, Piers has stuck his tongue up Donald Trump’s ass many times and so Graham asked Charlie for this thoughts about the mutated moldy Circus Peanut. Charlie made it clear that he’s not here for Trump. Charlie then told a story about how Trump gave him a pair of “platinum diamond Harry Winston” cufflinks that turned out to be worth less than the stunning “gold” jewelry my cousins buy from a dude with a briefcase on the beaches in Ensenada, Mexico.
Here’s some news that’s bound to be a real bummer to those lovesick dreamers out there who were wishing on a star that they might one day be the next goddess to write the name “Mrs. Charlie Sheen” on their checks.
During a recent interview with Extra to promote a new condom (but more on that in a second), humanoid sketchy pet shop lizard Charlie Sheen admitted that he will never get married again. Charlie says he is too busy trying to stay healthy to be married to someone. But….he also admits that he sucks at marriage.
“There’s nobody special right now. I’m not dating. I got my hands full with dealing with my health, taking care of my family. People ask me about marriage. You know, I think I would sooner walk on the moon in exactly what I’m wearing than head back to the altar….Never going to happen, never going to happen. When you’re terrible at something, why keep doing it? I’m 0 for 3.”
Charlie’s first marriage ended in 1996 after he was busted for being a name on Heidi Fleiss’ client list. His second marriage to Denise Richards ended in 2006, but they’re still fighting about money. His third marriage to Brooke Mueller is also a mess (they’re also fighting about money and she recently took out a restraining order against him). So getting married again might not be a great idea. Holy shit, did Charlie Sheen just say something that makes sense?
Okay, so about that condom thing.