Charlie Sheen was in the UK over the weekend, because he did a live interview with fellow flaming suppository Piers Morgan at a theater in London. Watching Charlie and Piers in a conversation is probably like watching two b-holes take turns busting out a sloppy wet fart into each other. Charlie was on The Graham Norton Show to promote his live scat show with Piers, and the subject of Donald Trump was brought up.
In the past, Piers has stuck his tongue up Donald Trump’s ass many times and so Graham asked Charlie for this thoughts about the mutated moldy Circus Peanut. Charlie made it clear that he’s not here for Trump. Charlie then told a story about how Trump gave him a pair of “platinum diamond Harry Winston” cufflinks that turned out to be worth less than the stunning “gold” jewelry my cousins buy from a dude with a briefcase on the beaches in Ensenada, Mexico.
Here’s some news that’s bound to be a real bummer to those lovesick dreamers out there who were wishing on a star that they might one day be the next goddess to write the name “Mrs. Charlie Sheen” on their checks.
During a recent interview with Extra to promote a new condom (but more on that in a second), humanoid sketchy pet shop lizard Charlie Sheen admitted that he will never get married again. Charlie says he is too busy trying to stay healthy to be married to someone. But….he also admits that he sucks at marriage.
“There’s nobody special right now. I’m not dating. I got my hands full with dealing with my health, taking care of my family. People ask me about marriage. You know, I think I would sooner walk on the moon in exactly what I’m wearing than head back to the altar….Never going to happen, never going to happen. When you’re terrible at something, why keep doing it? I’m 0 for 3.”
Charlie’s first marriage ended in 1996 after he was busted for being a name on Heidi Fleiss’ client list. His second marriage to Denise Richards ended in 2006, but they’re still fighting about money. His third marriage to Brooke Mueller is also a mess (they’re also fighting about money and she recently took out a restraining order against him). So getting married again might not be a great idea. Holy shit, did Charlie Sheen just say something that makes sense?
Okay, so about that condom thing.
Well, it’s the weekend and I’m in Florida (HELP) so of course there’s a new story about Charlie Sheen and his ex-fiance, Brett Rossi, real name Scottine. I woke up with the overwhelming desire to cry because I lost my phone last night but seeing this story has given me some clarity. When you think you’re a mess, have acted a mess, just messed mess, think of Charlie Sheen and Brett Rossi. Or Charlie Sheen and anyone. Even Charlie Sheen and inanimate objects. There is no way he doesn’t yell at and allegedly threaten inanimate objects the same way he does living things.
As reported by world renowned journalist, me, last weekend, Brett Rossi filed for a restraining order against Charlie after hearing recordings of him talking about how he’d like to hire someone to kick her head in, amongst other very classy and normal things. The LA Times is reporting that Brett got her restraining order, a temporary one, yesterday. The Times also says that this is hot on the heels of the LAPD saying, on Wednesday, that Charlie is under investigation for alleged threats he made against Brett.
You’d think that think that all things have a limit. Water freezes at 32 degrees. A rope can only hold so much before it breaks. The strain on the Earth’s resources will one day become too much. But, as has been proven time and time again, the law of limits does not apply to Charlie Sheen or his telenovela meets horror movie of a life. So here we are, yet again, staring into the dark abyss and wondering if what we are looking at will ever drive us mad. Charlie’s ex, Brett Rossi, has filed a restraining order against him.
A few weeks ago, Charlie Sheen cried about the number of zeroes he has to write on his child support checks to his third ex-wife Brooke Mueller every month. According to Charlie, he couldn’t afford to keep handing over so much cash because he’s not making Two and a Half Men money anymore. Now TMZ is saying that Charlie also wants his second ex-wife Denise Richards to take a pay cut.
Once again, Charlie has filed papers claiming he’s not bringing in nearly as much money as he once was and wants a judge to slash the amount of child support he has to pay every month to Denise. Charlie has been paying Denise $55,000 a month (the same amount he pays Brooke) since 2009, but he says he can’t afford that much because his income has “drastically declined.” During the 8th season of Two and a Half Men, Charlie was pulling in $1.8 million an episode. But as Martin mentioned last time, Charlie has claimed those days are over and he only makes $87,384 a month now.
Charlie also reused the same low-income excuses from the papers he filed two weeks ago regarding his child support situation with Brooke. According to Charlie, his bank account is currently in a bad place. Charlie sold his rights to Two and a Half Men and he says that it costs a lot of money to be an HIV-positive person.
This isn’t the only cash keep-away game Charlie is playing with Denise. She is currently suing Charlie for $1.2 million for selling the house she and their daughters were living in and keeping the money for himself.
I think Charlie might be jumping the gun a bit here (and with Charlie’s gun history, that’s not a good thing). He should have waited until after that movie he’s making with Whoopi about 9/11 bombs at the box office. That way, he’d have indisputable proof that his bank account is busted. “Your honor, as you can see, I’m clearly in no position to be writing child support checks for $55,000.”
There’s a sequence of words I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d ever write. Variety says that Whoopi Goldberg – whose “You need to fire your agent, girl” look in the picture above says it all – and the painful urination sensation known as Charlie Sheen have been cast in a movie about 9/11 called (wait for it) Nine Eleven. It will be directed by Martin Guigui and begins filming on Monday in Long Beach, CA. Because nothing says New York City like Long Beach.
According to Variety, Nine Eleven is about five people trapped in an elevator in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Not much is known about Whoopi and Charlie’s characters, like whether or not Charlie’s character will believe the government is behind it all. But we do know they’ll be stuck in an elevator along with Luis Guzman (aka Maurice from Boogie Nights), Wood Harris (aka Avon from The Wire), and Olga Fonda (aka Nadia from The Vampire Diaries).
Obviously Whoopi + Charlie Sheen + 9/11 Movie sounds like the formula for the kind of mess that will sweep every category of the Razzies. But who knows? Maybe it won’t be that bad. I will say that there’s a very good chance the performances from Luis, Wood, and Olga will go down in history as some of the most-convincing acting seen this decade. Imagine showing up to work every day and remembering you’re in a movie about September 11th starring Whoopi and Charlie Sheen? I doubt you’d have to act very hard to make people believe you when your character says stuff like “This is a nightmare!” and “Get me out of here!”
If it’s not one thing, it’s another when it comes to Charlie Sheen. The spinner on his giant chore wheel of a life has landed on “Baby Mama Drama”. People got their hands on some court documents that Charlie filed in which he’s requested that his child support payments to ex-wife Brooke Mueller for their 6-year-old twin boys be lowered.
While he was on Two and a Half Men – a show I have never seen because, despite what the amount of alcohol I ingest would suggest, I value my brain and health – he was making more money than any other ho on the TV stroll. At the time he was making roughly $613,000 per month and that heavily played into factoring how much he pays Brooke and his other ex, Denise Richards (star of the greatest reality show ever, Denise Richards Colon It’s Complicated!), which is $55,ooo a month each. He’s in the middle of a messy money situation with Denise too. It’s also been reported that he sold his rights to Two and a Half Turds for $26,750,000. While he isn’t crying ‘poor’, he is saying that his income has drastically changed and as such the payments he makes should reflect that. Charlie is saying that currently he makes around $87,384 per month.
“Yeah, okay…” said drugs. No. It totally wasn’t drugs. At least according to Charlie Sheen it wasn’t. So, remember way way back to 2011 when Charlie Sheen was at peak-Charlie Sheen? When he was fucking piles of porn stars and ranting like a crack-smoking subway cockroach about winning and warlocks and tiger blood pumping through his veins? It doesn’t take the wisdom of the Cartoon All-Stars to assume that Crazy Unky Chuck had been snorting everything under his kitchen sink. But apparently that wasn’t the case. The real culprit? Testosterone cream.
Page Six says Charlie is once again talking to his new BFF Dr. Oz on Wednesday, this time about what made him such a mess five years ago. They also discussed Charlie’s recent rage out when he called his ex-wife Denise Richards a “puss wart” via a text sent to their daughter and threatened to kill them. Apparently all that anger comes from having too many jacked-up male hormones running around in his system.
“It was a lot of highs and lows. I was taking a lot of testosterone cream, and I think I went too far with it. It was kind of like a borderline…not a ‘roid rage, but a ‘roid disengage.”
Since the only cream I’m familiar with is the kind you spray into your mouth from a can, I had to look up what the hell testosterone cream was. Apparently it’s used for dudes who need to increase their testosterone levels. Okay, I’m no medical professional, but even I know that shit should come with a warning that says “Do NOT apply directly to Charlie Sheen.”
Pic: Sony Pictures Television
Every night before the families of Charlie Sheen’s lawyers eat their usual casual dinner of filet mignon, caviar and truffles dipped in liquid gold they bow their heads and give thanks to the tiger blood-having warlock for keeping their family rich as hell with his messiness. Charlie’s lawyers are already busy dealing with the lawsuits from “desperate charlatans” who are suing him for allegedly not telling them that he’s HIV positive, and now they have to add a lawsuit from Denise Richards to their big, fat pile.
When Charlie Sheen told the world that he’s HIV positive on the Today show last November, he said that the virus was undetectable in his system thanks to the meds he was taking. That reminds me of the old saying: If it’s not broke, why try to fix it by getting an alternative treatment from a crazy doctor? Well, Charlie Sheen went against that saying by going off his meds and flying off to Mexico to get “cured.”
In a 2-part interview with my mom’s boo Dr. Oz that aired yesterday and today, Charlie said that he met with Dr. El Chapo who immediately put him on an HIV-fighting regimen of blow and meth. No, Charlie says he was treated by Dr. Sam Chachoua, a doctor who claims to be working on an HIV vaccine.