Because Charlie Sheen is a pill-fried lunatic, it should come as no surprise to anyone that he got balls-to-the-walls insane while on vacation in Mexico over Christmas and New Years. While the rest of us choose to waste our vacations “reading” (the code word I use for getting drunk and taking a nap in the pool) Radar says Charlie Sheen was YOLO-ing it up and making memories that will last a lifetime. Sorry, did I say making memories? I meant to say causing thousands of dollars worth of property damage and eating his weight in pills:
Shortly after his arrival in town, Sheen’s camp summoned a local tattoo artist and his friends to his suite at the five-star Hotel El Ganzo — and what they found there stunned them. “As soon as we get to the place, his bodyguard opens the door and invites us in,” one of Sheen’s guests tells Radar. “Charlie is seen standing at the table… on the table are bottles of vodka, cigarettes strewn everywhere, a handful of Vicodins… He takes a few and chases it with vodka.”
“What’s up f**gots?’ he says as he notices us enter the room,” the source dished. “We all meet Charlie and after he tells us about the tattoo he wants. We sit down to get started. Halfway through this tattoo, he takes some more Vicodin,” the source claimed. “[Then] without warning, Charlie punches a hole in the wall in front of him. He would later sign his name above the hole.”’
Before long, the source said, it became clear that Sheen was “really f*cked up. He strips down to his boxers and proceeds to set his shorts on fire!”
You’d think this episode of True Tales of Lizard-Faced Terror ends with Charlie lighting his crusty Hanes on fire, but – doye – we’re talking about Charlie, not Emilio (I know, Coach Bombay would NEVER). Shortly after, Charlie dares one of the male tattoo artists to kiss him for $1000. Knowing that putting your mouth on Charlie Sheen’s toxic maw would quite literally be the Kiss of Death, he declines. Undeterred, Charlie then offers him $10,000 for a kiss, but again, he declines. So if you were thinking of putting money on this years recipient of the Nobel Prize for Excellence In Making Good Fucking Decisions, I’d say the guy who turned down $10,000 to kiss Charlie Sheen’s crack-hole is a sure thing.
Someone needs to sit down with Charlie Sheen’s porn star fiancé (that sounds like an unpopular Vivid title) Brett Rossi, and school her on the subtleties of gold digging, because homegirl is coming across a little sloppy. Brett must have skipped the class at Make Dat Money University where you learn that a good gold digger lets the steam cool on her 24K crack rock before holding your hand out and demanding more, because Radar says she’s already begging for a two decades worth of paycheques in the form of a baby:
“Brett wants to start a family with Charlie immediately,” an insider tells Radar. “She doesn’t want to wait to have kids, and thinks Charlie will be an amazing father.”
Sheen is already a father of six. But in the midst of the custody drama surrounding his twins with ex-wife Brooke Mueller, Max and Bob, Sheen “isn’t quite ready to become a father for the sixth time,” the source explains. “He definitely wants kids with Brett, but he doesn’t want to rush into it. This is the one thing they can’t seem to agree on!”
Jesus, it’s Clickety Clack, not Stompity Stomp, Brett; if you want #datmoney you need to play it smart and play it quiet. First you tell Charlie you want kids, but “Way, way in the future” and make that hand gesture that looks like you’re swatting away money. Then you let some time pass; typically 3-5 months, but I bet Charlie’s crack-fried cockroach brain is no longer able to comprehend the passing of time, so you could just wait 3-5 weeks. During this time, stop taking birth control and start practicing your best “Whoopsies, I’m pregnant!!” face in the mirror. There you go, you just won the 18-year-long lottery.
And the sad thing is, I have never dug for gold in my life and yet I’m already a million times better at it than a porn star. Get your shit together and stop being so obvious, Brett Rossi, or you’ll find yourself pawning that engagement ring to pay for your portion of the rent on the Studio City bachelor apartment you share with the Goddesses.
Today, we should all be mad at the wind for not knocking those two whores off of that cliff when it had the chance. We are all disappointed in you, wind.
But seriously, I should turn off the hate and pat porn star Brett Rossi on the taint for a job well done, because after months of sucking and fucking on Charlie Sheen’s over-cooked penne dick, she is finally one step closer to achieving her gold digger mission. Yesterday, the scent of “true love” smelled like crack pipe residue and dick scabs when Charlie asked Brett Rossi to be his future fourth ex-wife while on vacation in Hawaii. Because Brett knows that she’ll be set up for life if she just marries his nasty ass and pops out a few of his spawn, she said yes. In the crack-infused statement he gave to People, Charlie says that technically Brett will be his third wife since his marriage to his first wife Donna Peel was annulled.
“With all due respect to Donna –
that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled.
truly is a charm;
of the real CS,
(Charlie & Scottie)
HAS to be;
Since Charlie’s relationship history is filled with nothing but pure healthiness, I’m sure these two skanks will have a not-at-all fucked up marriage and in 30 years they’ll be sipping virgin mint juleps on the porch of their house while watching their not-at-all fucked up children play with their not-at-all fucked up grandchildren. Or it’ll end with Brett making a tourniquet out of a shower curtain in a locked hotel bathroom after Charlie “accidentally” shot her leg. Either way, #getmoneybitch! But maybe Brett should wear a head-to-toe bulletproof suit while doing so.
And TMZ has pictures of Brett’s engagement ring if you really need to see it. I didn’t know that crack rocks could get so pretty and shiny when you polish them up.
(Pic via @thebrettrossi)
And I would like both of them to shut up, but the universe hates me and never grants any of my wishes (yet still, I sit every night on my windowsill and sing Somewhere Out There after hitting send on my emails to Pizza Hut begging them for Doritos-crust pizza). Luckily, I don’t have to deal with Charlie Sheen tweeting me insults, so…life’s little mercies, I suppose. Unfortunately, Ashton Kutcher isn’t as lucky. During an interview with Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday night, Ashton was asked about Two and a Half Men and if he still felt like the new guy on set. But since there’s an unwritten rule that you can’t talk about Two and a Half Men without mentioning the cirrhosis-bloated ghost of Ricky Vaughn, Jimmy then asks if Ashton goes into work every day and they thank him for not being Charlie Sheen. He started to make a sort-of joke, but then decided to look directly at the camera and address Sheen personally:
“I’m going to publicly plea right now with Charlie. Dude, shut the fuck up! Like, seriously! Enough already! It’s like 3 years later and you’re still blowing me up on Twitter? Come on dude, really?”
Literally the only thing I took from that plea is that he said the word ‘dude’ twice and NOT ONCE followed it up with “…where’s my car?” Afterwards, reliable ol’ Charlie got around to addressing Ashton’s request on Twitter, and true to recent form, he responded through some kind of first-year college free-verse poem:
Ashton message received. so sorry u sounded like me! well done! my bad I was pissed at other crap & took it out on you. hope u r good xox c
— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) February 6, 2014
Aww, that’s nice; it takes a real man to step up and admit he was wrong. Good for you Charlie! It’s not every day you manage to come off sounding like a reasonable, level-headed – oh wait, there’s more? Okay, I’m sure it’s just as thoughtful:
but news flash Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I'll put you on a hospital food diet for a year. c #YaFeelMe Jr?
— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) February 6, 2014
Never mind, I take it back; something tells me Ashton’s request was taken about as seriously as when your dentist asks you to start flossing (“Oh yeah, sure. Every night, I promise” – said no one).
According to Radar, Charlie Sheen ordered his people to kick Denise Richards, her dad Irv and his three daughters out of the house that they live in and he owns, because the porn star whose asshole he’s snorting coke bumps out of wants her out. Charlie owns a few houses in Mulholland Estates including the one Denise lives in. Charlie’s current porn star piece Brett Rossi is jealous of Denise and she turns green every time she drives by Denise’s house. Yes, she probably turns green, because that’s a side effect of slurping on the toxic sludge that spills out of Charlie’s dick, but jealousy probably has something to do with it too. So Brett snapped her pussy lips and told Charlie to get rid of the bitch.
Charlie didn’t tell Denise himself, because their love-hate relationship is currently set to HATE. Charlie hasn’t talked to Denise since she ruined Christmas for him. The source spit out this shit:
“She complains that whenever she leaves the gated community, she is forced to drive by Denise’s house, and she just doesn’t like it. Charlie’s people told Denise he wants her out, and he didn’t tell her because they aren’t talking at the moment.”
The crackhead Maya Angelou seemed to respond to Radar’s story this morning by tweeting out a messy haiku (emphasis on HAI) about how he owns the farm and Denise Richards is merely a pig in his pen who kicks up shit with her “evil cloven hoofs.” Brett Rossi spat up her own open letter on Twitter, which is obviously about this messy situation. Here’s a piece of that shit:
Lastly, if YOU would like to meet up with MG and discuss how I can help the children have a happy & loving relationship with BOTH sides, I am more than willing to do so. I am only here to enhance things such as the note that was so delicately, respectfully & beautifully written to you. I don’t care about the ‘adult’ side of things, that is on you such as I have never cared to invest energy into things that are a waste of energy. Think about the babies & not ones own frustration or disagreements. It should always be about THEM. You protest privacy yet running to the press doesn’t make you exactly a saint. If you want something from someone, I was raised to display the respect before it is earned. I ask, respectfully, to please keep my name out of your mouth such as I respectfully have ALWAYS done for you without any hesitation.
Well, Brett can’t put Denise’s name in her mouth, because Charlie’s wet cheese stick dick is always in there.
What I don’t understand is, didn’t Denise get a mountain of cash in her divorce from Charlie? So why is she living in one of his houses? Why would you live in a house that Charlie owns? At any second, that crackhead could burst in and tell you to get the fuck out, because he lost the house in a gambling bet or gave it to the head of a sex trafficking ring in exchange for two barely legal girls from Eastern Europe.
I was going to say “poor kids,” but those girls have probably heard it, seen it and smelled it all and they’re used to Denise telling them, “We have to go now, because daddy’s whore wants us out.”
While the childhood of Charlie Sheens’ twins continues to be eaten by crack smoke as they act out by choking innocent dogs and little children, their father was focused on much more important matters: tweeting about Phil Robertson and Denise Richards. On Saturday, the warlock of crack chewed off Phil Robertson’s hillbilly beard with his gums, wiped his dirty ass with it and glued it back on Phil Robertson’s face. Charlie Sheen straight-up took a crack-laced shit in Phil Robertson’s jug of moonshine for spewing all that trash about man anuses. Charlie slapped at Phil the only way he knows how: with an eloquent open poem. Charlie’s open poem to Phil Robertson is long and you might have to swallow a cloud of crack smoke to fully understand it, but it is filled with a few coke-dusted gems. It’s after the cut. “Shower dodger” should totally be added to Kristen Stewart’s business card.
Well-marinated piece of grizzle Charlie Sheen is pissed at ex-wife Denise Richards for excluding him in holiday plans with their children, according to TMZ. Denise supposedly told Charlie over the weekend that he is not welcome to go on vacation with her, Sam and Lola but didn’t give him a reason. Charlie hopped into the ninth circle of hell known as Twitter and wrote this message about the situation:
Charlie whining about being treated like crap is meh. He’s off fingering porn stars on vacation instead of spending Thanksgiving with his kids, so there’s more of a shot of me spontaneously growing a dick of my own to hang donuts off of than finding any sympathy for him. What I am impressed with is the fact that he reached into 1998 and the Mike Dexter bag of tricks to pull out that spectacular “DuhNeese” comeback. If he wasn’t so gross and vile and filled with the three c’s (crazy, chlamydia and cuntbag), I might have fallen in love.
NOW imagine fellow hooker lover Vince with SlapChop saying, “Wait, there’s more!!!” because there is and it’s spectacular. Charlie also posted a picture of one of the favors from his wedding to Denise cut into pieces with a rusty knife and the best part is, it’s a meat bat. A bat made out of meat. A FUCKING MEAT BAT.
Everybody bow your heads and thank whatever universe juju you believe in that it wasn’t an actual picture of Charlie’s personal salami, then let’s go back to appreciating the absolute randomness of saying ‘til death or sex and drug addiction do you part before giving your guests souvenir meat.
The rest of Charlie’s Twitter page is entertaining if you’re interested in reading poems I’m 92% certain were written by a possessed, illiterate Mr. Spell. If he’s not busy when his old pal Lindsay Lohan gets around to publishing her
book of lies tell-all, Charlie should offer to write the book’s foreword for her, from one crackie to another. Nothing goes together quite like rampant lies and rambling streams of drug-fueled consciousness!
Fun fact: it’s hard to pull on a full body condom sprayed on the inside with Raid and dusted with DDT, but when it comes to Charlie Sheenyou can’t be too careful.
Apparently, there’s still a living, breathing human being on the planet who didn’t get the memo about Charlie swan diving off the edge of sanity into a cracked-out abyss, because he has a new unidentified girlfriend according to The Daily Mail. They were seen kissing on a balcony in Cabo San Luis, which might be romantic if the Romeo in this case didn’t look like he oozes herpes pus and suffers from rampant halitosis, and Juliet wasn’t along for the free vacation and drugs. (“O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Black AmEx! “)
Charlie also tweeted about giving the world a face-load of “planet jealous” and if you’ll excuse me, I need to go stab myself in the temple with a rusty screwdriver to try and rid myself of the mental imagine of him giving a face-load of anything to anyone not wearing a biohazard mask.
Full pic of Charlie getting all handsy with the mystery chick’s vagina situation and looking like he’s this close to trying to paddle her pink canoe after the jump.
And there’s nine words that’ll mess up a CPS officer’s weekend and make them call their family to say, “You probably won’t be hearing from me for a while. I haven’t been kidnapped, it’s just that Brooke Mueller’s kids are living with her again. Yeah.”
Yesterday, it was reported that the head bitches at The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services were trying to convince Denise Richards to keep Charlie Sheen’s twins, Bob and Max, for just a few more weeks. Denise’s errrrr-ed at their request, because 4-year-old Bob and Max have been terrorizing her dogs and her daughters and she doesn’t know how much more she can take. Well, Denise’s dogs have been saved from getting choked out by a child, because TMZ says that a judge has moved temporary guardianship of the twins from Denise Richards to Brooke’s brother Scott Mueller. Scott lives far away from Brooke and the judge doesn’t want to rip the boys out of their school, so the judge agreed to let him and the boys move in with Brooke. “What a WONDERFUL idea,” said only Brooke and her dealer since she’s going to get that child support money now.
DCFS’ definition of “slow” is different than everyone else’s definition of “slow,” because during their mediation with Denise and Brooke yesterday they said that the plan is to sloooooooowly reintroduce the twins into Brooke’s life before she gets full custody again. And now they’re moving back in. SLOW! So the judge had two options:
1. Let Scott Mueller move the twins into his house and put them in a different school, which might not be the worst idea since they allegedly slapped down their teacher.
2. Let Max and Bob move back in with one of the parents who is responsible for drowning their childhood in a pipe full of dirty crack pipe water and will probably continue to fuck their lives all the way up.
A smart choice by that judge!
I’m just going to say the same exact thing I said when I got on a flight from L.A. to NYC and realized that the three large coffees with extra cream I just downed were starting to turn my asshole into the most terrifying volcano ever: This really isn’t going to end well for everybody involved.
And Charlie responded to the judge’s ruling by saying this:
“This pig circus overflowing with buffoons, sycophants and heretics cannot be trusted to safely raise a colony of ferrets. Brooke will fail and her brother [who lives by the beach] will be selling his ass under a pier and the evil nanny will die from ugly. When, not if, this psychotic and desperately irresponsible sham goes sideways, DCFS will burn to the ground, topped off with the smoldering robe of the judge.”
That’s some “if Shakespeare was a crackhead” shit.
Both TMZ and Radar report that Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards were in court today to try to work out the sad, messy, Lifetime movie situation that is the custody of Brooke and Charlie’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max. The emergency hearing was called after Denise wrote a long letter to the Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services saying that she can no longer take care of the boys, because she never knows when they’ll transform into a zombie-state and try to murder her dogs and beat her daughters. Denise told Child Services that she wanted to take the boys to see a psychologist, but Brooke wouldn’t let her. So Brooke and Denise sat down together to talk it out. Charlie Sheen was invited, but he didn’t show up. You would know if he did, because you would’ve heard about the SWAT Team being called to a court house in L.A. after a dehydrated warlock brought a grenade cake into the building.
TMZ and Radar must’ve had two different flies clinging to the wall in that room, because they have two different stories. TMZ says that it was pretty calm between Brooke and Denise. Dr. Charles Sophy, the medical director of Children and Family Services, mediated the session for four long hours. They were all certified as Captain Obviouses, because they all agree that Bob and Max’s childhood is fucked up from all the drama. Dr. Sophy wants Denise to keep custody of Bob and Max, but told her that it won’t be forever. He wants the twins to go back to Brooke once she’s in the right place and is strong enough to handle them. Brooke currently sees them a couple of times a week and she swears she’s off the bad shit. Charlie isn’t an option for custody. Denise is afraid that Bob and Max will continue to hurt her daughters and she’s pissed that Brooke is stopping her from taking them to see a shrink.
Radar says that shit was far from calm in the room. Brooke came for Denise, because she thinks Denise is trying to make her look like a shit mom. (You tell her, Brooke! How dare Denise make you look like a shit mom. You can do that by yourself, thankyouverymuch!) Radar’s source said:
“Denise told the head honchos of of DCFS she just wanted a smooth transition of the twins back to their mother, Brooke Mueller. Officials were extremely impressed with Denise and her genuine concern and love for the boys. However, Brooke was extremely combative and lashed out at Denise. It came out of nowhere and was extremely inappropriate. It was probably the first time DCFS saw cracks in Brooke’s previously cool demeanor. Brooke was having a temper tantrum because she felt Denise was making her look like a bad mother. Nothing was accomplished at the meeting, except for Denise maintaing that it was time for the boys to leave her house, but she wants it done with the help of the department so all of the kids have closure.”
The source also said that Dr. Sophy wants Denise to take care of the boys for three more weeks and then Brooke will take them.
GOING BACK TO BROOKE?!
Reason #1 for why I am not a social worker: If I was the social worker who had to pick up those kids from Denise’s house and drive them over to Brooke’s to stay with that mess permanently, I’d take a “wrong turn” and end up at the bus station. I’d give those boys an envelope full of money and tell them to take the next bus out of town and never ever look back. I’d also give them an iPod full of Journey’s greatest hits, because that shit’s some good traveling music.