Fun fact: it’s hard to pull on a full body condom sprayed on the inside with Raid and dusted with DDT, but when it comes to Charlie Sheenyou can’t be too careful.
Apparently, there’s still a living, breathing human being on the planet who didn’t get the memo about Charlie swan diving off the edge of sanity into a cracked-out abyss, because he has a new unidentified girlfriend according to The Daily Mail. They were seen kissing on a balcony in Cabo San Luis, which might be romantic if the Romeo in this case didn’t look like he oozes herpes pus and suffers from rampant halitosis, and Juliet wasn’t along for the free vacation and drugs. (“O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Black AmEx! “)
Charlie also tweeted about giving the world a face-load of “planet jealous” and if you’ll excuse me, I need to go stab myself in the temple with a rusty screwdriver to try and rid myself of the mental imagine of him giving a face-load of anything to anyone not wearing a biohazard mask.
Full pic of Charlie getting all handsy with the mystery chick’s vagina situation and looking like he’s this close to trying to paddle her pink canoe after the jump.
And there’s nine words that’ll mess up a CPS officer’s weekend and make them call their family to say, “You probably won’t be hearing from me for a while. I haven’t been kidnapped, it’s just that Brooke Mueller’s kids are living with her again. Yeah.”
Yesterday, it was reported that the head bitches at The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services were trying to convince Denise Richards to keep Charlie Sheen’s twins, Bob and Max, for just a few more weeks. Denise’s errrrr-ed at their request, because 4-year-old Bob and Max have been terrorizing her dogs and her daughters and she doesn’t know how much more she can take. Well, Denise’s dogs have been saved from getting choked out by a child, because TMZ says that a judge has moved temporary guardianship of the twins from Denise Richards to Brooke’s brother Scott Mueller. Scott lives far away from Brooke and the judge doesn’t want to rip the boys out of their school, so the judge agreed to let him and the boys move in with Brooke. “What a WONDERFUL idea,” said only Brooke and her dealer since she’s going to get that child support money now.
DCFS’ definition of “slow” is different than everyone else’s definition of “slow,” because during their mediation with Denise and Brooke yesterday they said that the plan is to sloooooooowly reintroduce the twins into Brooke’s life before she gets full custody again. And now they’re moving back in. SLOW! So the judge had two options:
1. Let Scott Mueller move the twins into his house and put them in a different school, which might not be the worst idea since they allegedly slapped down their teacher.
2. Let Max and Bob move back in with one of the parents who is responsible for drowning their childhood in a pipe full of dirty crack pipe water and will probably continue to fuck their lives all the way up.
A smart choice by that judge!
I’m just going to say the same exact thing I said when I got on a flight from L.A. to NYC and realized that the three large coffees with extra cream I just downed were starting to turn my asshole into the most terrifying volcano ever: This really isn’t going to end well for everybody involved.
And Charlie responded to the judge’s ruling by saying this:
“This pig circus overflowing with buffoons, sycophants and heretics cannot be trusted to safely raise a colony of ferrets. Brooke will fail and her brother [who lives by the beach] will be selling his ass under a pier and the evil nanny will die from ugly. When, not if, this psychotic and desperately irresponsible sham goes sideways, DCFS will burn to the ground, topped off with the smoldering robe of the judge.”
That’s some “if Shakespeare was a crackhead” shit.
Both TMZ and Radar report that Brooke Mueller and Denise Richards were in court today to try to work out the sad, messy, Lifetime movie situation that is the custody of Brooke and Charlie’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max. The emergency hearing was called after Denise wrote a long letter to the Los Angeles County of Department of Children and Family Services saying that she can no longer take care of the boys, because she never knows when they’ll transform into a zombie-state and try to murder her dogs and beat her daughters. Denise told Child Services that she wanted to take the boys to see a psychologist, but Brooke wouldn’t let her. So Brooke and Denise sat down together to talk it out. Charlie Sheen was invited, but he didn’t show up. You would know if he did, because you would’ve heard about the SWAT Team being called to a court house in L.A. after a dehydrated warlock brought a grenade cake into the building.
TMZ and Radar must’ve had two different flies clinging to the wall in that room, because they have two different stories. TMZ says that it was pretty calm between Brooke and Denise. Dr. Charles Sophy, the medical director of Children and Family Services, mediated the session for four long hours. They were all certified as Captain Obviouses, because they all agree that Bob and Max’s childhood is fucked up from all the drama. Dr. Sophy wants Denise to keep custody of Bob and Max, but told her that it won’t be forever. He wants the twins to go back to Brooke once she’s in the right place and is strong enough to handle them. Brooke currently sees them a couple of times a week and she swears she’s off the bad shit. Charlie isn’t an option for custody. Denise is afraid that Bob and Max will continue to hurt her daughters and she’s pissed that Brooke is stopping her from taking them to see a shrink.
Radar says that shit was far from calm in the room. Brooke came for Denise, because she thinks Denise is trying to make her look like a shit mom. (You tell her, Brooke! How dare Denise make you look like a shit mom. You can do that by yourself, thankyouverymuch!) Radar’s source said:
“Denise told the head honchos of of DCFS she just wanted a smooth transition of the twins back to their mother, Brooke Mueller. Officials were extremely impressed with Denise and her genuine concern and love for the boys. However, Brooke was extremely combative and lashed out at Denise. It came out of nowhere and was extremely inappropriate. It was probably the first time DCFS saw cracks in Brooke’s previously cool demeanor. Brooke was having a temper tantrum because she felt Denise was making her look like a bad mother. Nothing was accomplished at the meeting, except for Denise maintaing that it was time for the boys to leave her house, but she wants it done with the help of the department so all of the kids have closure.”
The source also said that Dr. Sophy wants Denise to take care of the boys for three more weeks and then Brooke will take them.
GOING BACK TO BROOKE?!
Reason #1 for why I am not a social worker: If I was the social worker who had to pick up those kids from Denise’s house and drive them over to Brooke’s to stay with that mess permanently, I’d take a “wrong turn” and end up at the bus station. I’d give those boys an envelope full of money and tell them to take the next bus out of town and never ever look back. I’d also give them an iPod full of Journey’s greatest hits, because that shit’s some good traveling music.
TMZ had a lovely and uplifting (read: the opposite of that shit) story this morning about how Denise Richards told The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services that she can no longer take care of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max, because the boys kick her dogs in the head (Side note: Yes, I went and listened to “You Kicked My Dog” right after reading that), tell her they want to kill her dogs, beat on her daughters and have slapped a teacher at school. The twins are a nightmare come to life and Denise blames it all on Brooke. CPS also has pictures of Bob with a red welt on the side of his face and it apparently showed up after he spent the weekend with Brooke and Brooke’s mom. In case you’re still not sure why the boys of a cracked out, insane warlock with burnt anus lips for brains and a crackhead mess would act like that, here’s another reason why.
Just a day after a judge refused to give Brooke a restraining order against Charlie, he wished the mother of his twin boys a really belated birthday (her birthday’s in August, but he’s on crackhead time so…) by tweeting a picture of a grenade on top of some nasty looking dry ass cake with this touching note:
Yes, celebrate the victory of Brooke not getting a restraining order against you by telling her ass to die. What’s the opposite of winning again? And why does Charlie Sheen act like sucking off an entire Home Depot parking lot is a bad thing?
So, Bob and Max have these two ass warts for parents and now Denise Richards doesn’t want to take care of them anymore. Is Sister Kate’s orphanage still open, because she might be their only hope.
The pumpkin patch kick-off isn’t official until the goddess of Dlisted Phoebe Price shows up, but until then we can make due with these pics of Charlie Sheen and his ex Denise Richards serving up some fall goodness. TMZ has an exclusive on their outing, which included the two sons of Brooke Mueller that Denise somehow has custody of
forever until Brooke gets her shit together and Denise’s adopted daughter Eloise.
On the one hand, the idea of it is sweet, but looking through the pics I see lots of “fml” faces from Denise and a couple of boys who can’t decide whether to run to or run from their daddy. I kid, this is probably the most wholesome thing they’ve done with Charlie since making ho-made crack brownies for the ho-meless (aka The Goddesses).
I can’t believe that Denise turned out to be the mom of the century in all this mess, and I hate life for making me respect her. But there she is, with 3 kids that aren’t biologically hers, and they all look happy and healthy. If she’s Catholic, surely she is up for some sort of sainthood in the future. Charlie looks like a Benjamin Buttons frat boy so basically all is normal in the world.
You can go over to TMZ to see all the pics if you’re that bored on a Sunday morning.
Charlie Sheen loves whores and Farrah Abraham loves publicity any way she can get it, so naturally the two were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame that’s really butt sex. Charlie and Backdoor Farrah met at some event and she immediately started texting him afterward to meet up for a play date (translation: ass sex in the pool while the nanny takes the kids to the park), coffee (translation: coffee enemas… and then ass sex) or whatever (translation: ass sex, lots of ass sex). Like I said two seconds ago, Farrah loves publicity, so she gave those texts to TMZ, because a porno camouflaged as a sex tape isn’t going to sell itself. Charlie didn’t like Farrah leaking his texts to the media and when Charlie gets mad, Charlie gets hilarious. Charlie dragged and dragged Farrah in a letter, which I’m guessing either she or Charlie leaked to TMZ. I thought I’d never type this after seeing Backdoor Farrah squirt in her porno (I can never look at tuna water in a can the same way again), but I am so glad she leaked this if she did, because this is a coke booger covered in gold. Take it away, Charlie.
hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;
I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn.
your daughter must be so proud.
please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.
oh and I’m sure they’ll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o’clock shadow.
So poetic. So beautiful. It’s something William Blake would’ve written if William Blake smoked so much crack that it ate most of his brains away. Charlie should not only put out a book of poems called “Pedestrian Troposphere of Lame-Suck” but he should also sell a perfume called “Stagnant Douche Agua.”
I guess Farrah is a certified porn star now that she’s been nailed by Charlie Sheen. Charlie tore her a new one and now her backdoor has been upgraded to French doors. But even after all that, you know Charlie still would.
While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards’ arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller’s house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!
According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule’s schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn’t want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie’s lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke’s scheme. Brooke’s lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.
TMZ’s source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn’t want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.
Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let’s see…. The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There’s clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn’t hand over $55,000 every month, she’ll text her this picture every morning:
Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise’s only response would be, “What’s your account and routing number?”
And here’s pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.
Denise Richards better be showing Brooke Mueller an episode of The World According To Paris (aka TWAT P) on her phone and telling that mess to look at her life choices.
Radar says that socials workers from Children and Family Services in L.A. have yanked Brooke Mueller’s twins, Bob and Max, out of her care and not only because she wears jeans like that out in public. Brooke Mueller is still hooked on the bad shit and I guess those judgy social workers think that it’s wrong to let her kids play with her used crack pipe, so away the twins went. Since Charlie Sheen is a disaster himself and shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a piece of dried up foreskin, the twins were given to Denise Richards AGAIN. Radar’s source said this about the whole mess:
“Brooke was given many opportunities by social workers to clean up her act. Social workers felt that Bob and Max weren’t safe in Brooke’s care. The decision was made late on Thursday afternoon, and the boys are no longer in Brooke’s care. It’s expected at some point the boys will be taken care of by Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, Denise Richards, who has cared for them in the past when Brooke went to rehab. She (Richards) loves the boys & their safety and well being mean everything to her. Bob & Max are safe & that is all the matters. Denise is simply complying with the court order.”
Who knew that the former robot call girl would turn out to be a savior to all of Charlie Sheen’s kids and transform her house into an orphanage for mistreated and down-and-out Sheen kids? Denise Richards should take care of Charlie Sheen’s adopted crackhead daughter Lindsay Lohan next. Denise is obviously a good parent, because I’m guessing she’s the one who taught that little girl how to throw a side-eye that all the kids in the playground will run from.
Here’s pictures from last year of messy ass Brooke and Denise hanging out in Malibu. Yes, I’ve already gotten on my knees and worshiped the peroxide and neon beauty in the background.
This is why you should always dip your contacts (which are basically condoms for your eyes) in liquid antibiotics and put that shit on your eyeballs before you turn on the internet.
Everybody at last night’s Scary Movie 5 premiere in Hollywood now know what scientists see when they look at pus from a popped syphilis pimple under a microscope. Charlie Sheen kept the free clinic in business by planting his lips on Lindsay Lohan’s face as they posed on the red carpet. Shortly after that picture was taken, the left side of bitch’s face started to droop, because it saw what was happening to the right side and it was trying to slip out of there before it was too late. But besides LiLo’s half-melted face, she actually looks kind of good for LiLo. Charlie Sheen on the other hand looks like burnt egg whites in a beaver wig.
And of course, LiLo was late and showed up 30 minutes before the red carpet ended. LiLo’s excuse was that she was at the dentist, which is a totally valid excuse. LiLo figures that since she’s going to Coachella this weekend, she’s probably going to booze her veneers off, so she got a new set made and they’ll be ready on Monday. LiLo is always thinking ahead.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richard’s daughter Sam had to leave her school for good, because she was being bullied by a 9-year-old girl and the school didn’t do anything about it. So how did Charlie Sheen handle the situation? Charlie told all of his Twitter followers to write the name of his daughter’s bully in dog shit on the front door of the Viewpoint School in Calabasas, CA. Isn’t that what all parents would do? Here’s Charlie being as sane and reasonable as always:
This is a legitimate call to arms.
my daughter Sam was bullied out of Viewpoint school and then called a liar.
if you have a rotted egg
a roll of toilet paper
or some dog shit;
I urge u to deliver it with “extreme prejudice”
to their KamPuss run by trolls and charlatans.
make me proud.
we will not tolerate this level of
abhorrent disrespect towards the child of your favorite Warlock.
And if your feeling the
“show and tell” of it all,
smear the shit to spell one name on the front door;
eat that loser.
TMZ says that the 9-year-old girl was teasing Sam about everything including her mess of a dad and Denise Richards had several meetings at the school about it. Getting teased made Sam physically sick and she couldn’t go to school anymore. During Denise’s last meeting with the school and the bully’s parents, they all accused Sam of making it all up and telling lies.
It’s sad that I think it’s progress when the only thing hitting the walls of a school is a piece of dog shit. And if Charlie really wants to make the school suffer, he should send them something much worse than a pile of dog caca. He should send them the Anger Management DVD box set.