All of you supposedly serious auteurs can just cancel your plans for Cannes next year. The next film to win the Palme de’Or is here! Charlie Sheen, Gina Gershon, and Whoopi Goldberg (?!?) are starring in the most tasteful and necessary film experience in decades. Picture it. Total strangers trapped in a high-rise elevator must work together to survive before the cable snaps! It’s a pulse-pounding race against time! Why is the cable snapping? Because a plane just hit the North Tower! Yes, somebody thought it was a good idea to make a cheesy, predictable thriller about 9/11. Is anyone involved in this film ALLOWED in NYC anymore?
You know, not too long ago we all gathered around the television screen and laughed at Charlie Sheen (which I didn’t intend to rhyme, but now it’s my favorite poem ever!) as he spoke about his slew of #WINNING, his brokedown goddesses and possession of “tiger’s blood”. Well, those were much simpler times before Charlie became a certified nutcase and shimmied his way into infamy by acting like our favorite neighborhood crackhead. Take for instance the newest allegation being brought from one of his former fuck buddies.
Infinite disaster person Charlie Sheen has somehow convinced a model-type to be his newest future mistake. Or the other way around? Either way, he’s obviously still #winning.
The Daily Mail (via New York Daily News) reports that Charlie introduced the latest goddess to the paparazzi outside of a restaurant in Santa Monica. Her name is Julia Stambler (more like: HelpMeOhGodHelpMeHeCrazy2017 on Twitter), but Charlie lovingly refers to her as “Jools.”
Shortly after Charlie Sheen took a blowtorch to the bridge connecting him with Two and a Half Men back in 2011, he immediately shit-talked his replacement, Ashton Kutcher.Well, Charlie has finally recognized what a goblin he was to Ashton.
Charlie Sheen has a direct-to-TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families, which I’ve learned isn’t a documentary about the people who receive his child support checks. It’s appropriate that Charlie is promoting a movie with the word “mad” in the title, because Charlie is still very mad at Rihanna for that time she wouldn’t wave him and his ex-fiancée Brett Rossi over to her table at a restaurant. He also had something to say about Jenny McCarthy, Selma Blair, and Jennifer Grey. You leave Baby out of this, Charlie!
Charlie Sheen has released a statement about the very messy and sad situation that his ex-wife Brooke Mueller and their 7-year-old twin sons found themselves in this week in Salt Lake City, Utah. And in true “Charlie Sheen always makes it messier” fashion, his statement comes in the form of a nonsense poem released exclusively to People magazine.