Since my last post about Charlie Sheen, his ex-piece/”nurse” said on The Dr. Oz Show that she bareback boned him after finding out he’s HIV-positive because they were in love, a New York madam said that he paid hookers at least $5,000 extra to go raw dog, Gloria Allred may represent some of his ex-pieces and Martin Sheen said that he supports his son 100%. I’m sure a thousand more stories will pop up as soon as I hit the publish button on this post. But who cares about any of that! I’m sure what you’ve really been waiting for are the farty thoughts that Jenny McCarthy’s shit pile of a brain burped up about this.
Right after Charlie Sheen was on Today where he told Matt Lauer that he let all of his sex partners know that he’s HIV-positive before doing sex stuff with them, his ex-goddess Bree Olson (the one on the left) went on Howard Stern and called him a liar. Charlie said on Today that he had the night sweats in a major way and headaches right before he was diagnosed. Bree told Howard that she was with him when he had the night sweats and he never told her about being diagnosed. Bree is negative, but says that she and Charlie boned without a condom many times. Well, it’s Charlie’s turn to scream, “LIAR!!!”
Charlie Sheen Says He’s Paid Millions In Blackmail Money To Keep His HIV Status Quiet And He’s Done With The Shakedowns
As anyone who hasn’t just come out of a long coma knows (Tip: If you’ve just come out of a long coma, do NOT watch the Jem movie or you’ll weep for humanity and want to go back into that coma.), Charlie Sheen is HIV-positive and in an interview with Matt Lauer on Today this morning, he said that he’s paid more than $10 million in STFU money to tricks who threatened to expose his status to the media. Well, grifting types are going to have to find another reason to blackmail Charlie Sheen for quick cash, because the world knows he’s HIV-positive now and the shaking of his checking account has come to an end.
We barely found out earlier that Charlie Sheen will announce on Today tomorrow morning that he’s HIV-positive and TMZ is already working it hard. TMZ’s sources say that Charlie knew about his HIV status for more than a year, but kept it to himself. Eventually, Charlie told friends and those friends told others who told people that he did sex with. Charlie’s ex sex pieces were of course mad that he didn’t tell them and threatened to sue him. Charlie reportedly hushed them all up with a pile of money in exchange for their silence and a signed confidentiality agreement. One of those settlements happened as recently as last month. When
Another source tells TMZ that Charlie has been on a series of meds and his status is now “undetectable.” Everything I know about being undetectable I learned from Looking on HBO (no, I didn’t). Being undetectable doesn’t mean you don’t have HIV anymore. It means that the HIV meds are working well and the amount of virus in the blood is lower than the amount a blood test can measure. The chances of passing the virus is less likely, but there’s still a risk. TMZ’s source that Charlie admits that he did it with several people throughout the years and says that he didn’t deceive any of them since he’s undetectable.
One of Charlie Sheen’s ex-goddesses, Bree Olson, has already said in a note on Facebook that she’s HIV negative, so she wants the tabloids to stop asking her about it! And a “source” tells People that Charlie’s second ex-wife Denise Richards has known for years and wants everyone to know that she’s HIV-negative.
“She’s known Charlie was HIV-positive for a number of years. He was infected after they divorced, and they haven’t been intimate since. Neither she nor their daughters are HIV-positive.”
A couple of weeks ago, Radar threw up a blind item about how it’s an open secret in Hollywood that a “world-famous” bad boy actor is HIV+ and has known for two years. The Sun repeated that blind item and said that their sources claim the actor has told many people in Hollywood about his HIV status. I know, The Sun co-signing a story from Radar is like Benita Butrell co-signing a piece of gossip from Mary Jenkins. (If you’re an old like me, Benita Butrell is a gossiping bitch from In Living Color and Mary Jenkins is another legendary gossip from 227.) Every one of the “clues” in the blind items pointed to Charlie Sheen.
Well, it was a blind item until today when both Radar and The National Enquirer (aka The Don’t Give A Fuck Weekly) said that Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood tested positive for HIV and at least four women claim he exposed them to the virus. The Enquirer claims that they worked on the story for 18 months and uncovered “SHOCKING DETAILS!!!” like how Charlie allegedly did it bareback-style with many people when he knew about his status. They also claim that Charlie paid off at least one of his sex partners to keep it all a secret.
“Charlie had sex with multiple partners since learning his HIV status without informing them of his potentially deadly HIV infection,” one source told The ENQUIRER.
Adult film star Scottine Ross, who an insider noted didn’t know of Sheen’s HIV status for four months while they had unprotected sex, railed against her ex-fiancé in a video provided to The ENQUIRER: “You exposed me to HIV for a year and a half!” she blasted.
Now Sheen, who doesn’t know how he contracted the virus, “has been tortured by the thought that his acting genius will be forgotten,” explained a source. “Charlie’s worst fear is that he will be remembered not as a great actor, but as someone who contracted the disease.”
The Enquirer says that Charlie is currently on a regimen of meds.
Right after Radar and The National Enquirer named Charlie Sheen, NBC released a press release saying that he’s going to do a live interview with lukewarm bag of smug Matt Lauer on Today tomorrow morning and he’s going to make a “personal announcement.” TMZ says that Charlie Sheen’s personal announcement will be that he’s HIV+. We should all brace ourselves, because if the Enquirer is right about Charlie Sheen not telling any of his pieces, this is going to get all kinds of messy real fast.
There’s probably a number of things that would suck about having Charlie Sheen as your dad. Hugs that smell like burnt hair and vodka. Birthday “cards” that are coke poems written on the back of CDC reminder notices. Waking up one morning and realizing that you haven’t seen him in two months. And we can add another thing to the list.
According to Radar, two of Charlie Sheen’s kids are having a hard time finding a school to go to, and it’s all because of who their dad is. A source claims that ever since Charlie Sheen encouraged his fans to send dog poo and rotten eggs to his daughter’s school back in 2013, private schools in Los Angeles have been politely declining meetings with Denise Richards and have slid applications for Sam and Lola Sheen straight into the trash.
“Sam and Lola have applied for admission at numerous private schools, and have been rejected at every single one. The girls have great grades, and test very well. Several of the schools made it clear there couldn’t be any risk of one of Charlie’s infamous tirades. These schools are the best of the best, and do everything to stay out of the media.”
I’m with them on that one. Nobody wants Charlie Sheen to show up on Career Day and start ranting about his “evil terrorist sack of landfill rash” ex-wife.
Sam and Lola aren’t totally up Sheen Creek on this one; the source says that Denise Richards is moving to an area with some good public schools. On the bright side, at least the public school system will give them a fresh start. Denise, now is the time you “accidentally” enroll them as Sam and Lola Smith.
Because daddy gets to do whatever daddy wants on Father’s Day,
Father of the Year Deadbeat Daddy of the Decade Charlie Sheen spent his Father’s Day being an asshole on Twitter. Uh, Happy Father’s Day?
Rather than waking up to a whole bunch of home-made paper ties and enjoying breakfast in bed, Charlie woke up from the pile of cigarette ash and stanky porn star thongs he slept in the night before, hopped on Twitter, and hissed like a barely-coherent methed-up snake at the mother of two of his children, Denise Richards. Charlie’s Father’s Day message, which has since been deleted – because apparently there’s at least one small shred of shame left in his body – was written in his signature crackhead free verse. So, just a heads up to those of you who get a headache every time you read the shit Charlie Sheen writes.
To quote the desperate, hard-up trick who eyes me for a minute while looking for a hook-up at the gay bar: “Um, too easy!”
Seen above with his foundation-covered skin looking like the inside of a Whopper, Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital on Monday. Usually when I read the words “Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital,” I assume that his liver once again made a break for it out of his warlock asshole. Or I figure that his nose fell into a porn star’s poon and he went to the hospital to get it re-attached again. But Charlie’s rep, Jeffrey Ballard, tells UsWeekly that he got “food poisoning” after filling his mouth with “bad clams” and he was fine after getting “hydrated” at the hospital. Some source tells TMZ that paramedics took Charlie to the hospital after he complained of having chest pains. If I was telling you this story in person, I’d probably lose a few hundred calories from making so many air quotes with my fingers.
“It was clams, bad clams,” Ballard tells Us. “Nothing too exciting.”
“They checked him out, hydrated him and sent him on his way,” Sheen’s publicist told Us. “He was back home in bed 90 minutes later.”
We shouldn’t make jokes, because this is how Michael Douglas got throat cancer.
And I’m sure the universe will keep on churning out “two easy” nuggets like this and we’ll soon read about how Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Coca-Cola in Peru.
Pinocchio’s long-lost bulgy-pantsed brother Brian Williams is currently public enemy no. 1 with most people he knows after he admitted to “misremembering” a bunch of stuff he said he did. Tom Brokaw is over his lying ass, NBC News told him to clear out his desk for the next 6 months, Lester Holt and the NBC News team took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his identity. Even the NBC Peacock is like “yeah, I don’t know that guy…“. But there is one person out there who is standing behind Brian Williams in solidarity, and that person is Captain Crazy of the S.S. Meth Mouth, Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen just couldn’t bear to remain silent on the unfair treatment Brian Williams was receiving, so he took a break from thinking about running for President in 2016 to write a letter to his favorite former news anchor explaining that he knows the TRUTH: that this is nothing but a “vile witch hunt” against American Hero Brian Williams. Charlie gave said letter to TMZ (aka he was found in the TMZ parking lot screaming “HEY, SOMEBODY WRITE THIS DOWN” into a broken bullhorn) and it’s long and it’s crazy, so it’s after the cut.
Charlie Sheen Took An Angry Swipe At Kim Kardashian Because She Wouldn’t Sign An Autograph For A Kid (UPDATE)
I’m sure you’re like “So Charlie Sheen got into a fight with a hooker? So what? This is news?“, but it is news, because for the first time in history it has nothing to do with money or drugs or pawning the diamond engagement ring he gave them when he was high on drugs. According to TMZ, the current bee in Charlie Sheen’s meth-scorched bonnet is none other than Kim Kardashian. Random, thy name is whatever the hell this situation is.
Charlie tells TMZ that it all started after his friend C. Thomas Howell told him a story about the time he witnessed a 6-year-old Kim K superfan ask PMK’s bottom bitch for an autograph. Charlie says Kim – who he refers to as “Scar-Trashion” – turned the kid down like a rude bitch by telling her assistant “Oh god, can you handle this?” before speeding away in her car, and now the little girl “cries about it every night before she goes to sleep.” Or maybe she was just upset after seeing Kim’s spackle-coated rubber cat mask face in real life? Either way, Charlie clearly doesn’t like it when famous types make children sad, so he hissed the following Twitter rant at Kim:
“you are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass. Let’s compare resumes loser…yeah I thot so. your public loves u. give some thing back or go fuk yourself…”
“my apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day….“
“I hope his vision returns one day” – that’s kind of rich coming from a dude who, depending on the lighting, sometimes looks like a human Boglin. He then wrapped up his fart-scented air kiss to Kim with the hashtag #GiantAssZeroClass. “That’s klass with a K. Get it right” hissed back Kim’s agent, Lucifer H. Satan.
Of course, a source close to Kim says it’s not true, and she’ll never say no to an autograph, especially for a child.
What Charlie doesn’t realize is that he’s directing his anger towards the wrong person. He should be mad at that 6-year-old girl! Kim only has so many hours in the day to get photographed walking to and from her car, and she doesn’t have time to stop and sign autographs. Duh! If that kid was such a fan, she would know not to bother Kim while she’s “working”.
UPDATE: Charlie must have received a visit from Lucifer H. Satan’s goon squad (Rob and Khloe), because he just released an apology to Kim.