Well, it’s the weekend and I’m in Florida (HELP) so of course there’s a new story about Charlie Sheen and his ex-fiance, Brett Rossi, real name Scottine. I woke up with the overwhelming desire to cry because I lost my phone last night but seeing this story has given me some clarity. When you think you’re a mess, have acted a mess, just messed mess, think of Charlie Sheen and Brett Rossi. Or Charlie Sheen and anyone. Even Charlie Sheen and inanimate objects. There is no way he doesn’t yell at and allegedly threaten inanimate objects the same way he does living things.
As reported by world renowned journalist, me, last weekend, Brett Rossi filed for a restraining order against Charlie after hearing recordings of him talking about how he’d like to hire someone to kick her head in, amongst other very classy and normal things. The LA Times is reporting that Brett got her restraining order, a temporary one, yesterday. The Times also says that this is hot on the heels of the LAPD saying, on Wednesday, that Charlie is under investigation for alleged threats he made against Brett.
You’d think that think that all things have a limit. Water freezes at 32 degrees. A rope can only hold so much before it breaks. The strain on the Earth’s resources will one day become too much. But, as has been proven time and time again, the law of limits does not apply to Charlie Sheen or his telenovela meets horror movie of a life. So here we are, yet again, staring into the dark abyss and wondering if what we are looking at will ever drive us mad. Charlie’s ex, Brett Rossi, has filed a restraining order against him.
A few weeks ago, Charlie Sheen cried about the number of zeroes he has to write on his child support checks to his third ex-wife Brooke Mueller every month. According to Charlie, he couldn’t afford to keep handing over so much cash because he’s not making Two and a Half Men money anymore. Now TMZ is saying that Charlie also wants his second ex-wife Denise Richards to take a pay cut.
Once again, Charlie has filed papers claiming he’s not bringing in nearly as much money as he once was and wants a judge to slash the amount of child support he has to pay every month to Denise. Charlie has been paying Denise $55,000 a month (the same amount he pays Brooke) since 2009, but he says he can’t afford that much because his income has “drastically declined.” During the 8th season of Two and a Half Men, Charlie was pulling in $1.8 million an episode. But as Martin mentioned last time, Charlie has claimed those days are over and he only makes $87,384 a month now.
Charlie also reused the same low-income excuses from the papers he filed two weeks ago regarding his child support situation with Brooke. According to Charlie, his bank account is currently in a bad place. Charlie sold his rights to Two and a Half Men and he says that it costs a lot of money to be an HIV-positive person.
This isn’t the only cash keep-away game Charlie is playing with Denise. She is currently suing Charlie for $1.2 million for selling the house she and their daughters were living in and keeping the money for himself.
I think Charlie might be jumping the gun a bit here (and with Charlie’s gun history, that’s not a good thing). He should have waited until after that movie he’s making with Whoopi about 9/11 bombs at the box office. That way, he’d have indisputable proof that his bank account is busted. “Your honor, as you can see, I’m clearly in no position to be writing child support checks for $55,000.”
There’s a sequence of words I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d ever write. Variety says that Whoopi Goldberg – whose “You need to fire your agent, girl” look in the picture above says it all – and the painful urination sensation known as Charlie Sheen have been cast in a movie about 9/11 called (wait for it) Nine Eleven. It will be directed by Martin Guigui and begins filming on Monday in Long Beach, CA. Because nothing says New York City like Long Beach.
According to Variety, Nine Eleven is about five people trapped in an elevator in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Not much is known about Whoopi and Charlie’s characters, like whether or not Charlie’s character will believe the government is behind it all. But we do know they’ll be stuck in an elevator along with Luis Guzman (aka Maurice from Boogie Nights), Wood Harris (aka Avon from The Wire), and Olga Fonda (aka Nadia from The Vampire Diaries).
Obviously Whoopi + Charlie Sheen + 9/11 Movie sounds like the formula for the kind of mess that will sweep every category of the Razzies. But who knows? Maybe it won’t be that bad. I will say that there’s a very good chance the performances from Luis, Wood, and Olga will go down in history as some of the most-convincing acting seen this decade. Imagine showing up to work every day and remembering you’re in a movie about September 11th starring Whoopi and Charlie Sheen? I doubt you’d have to act very hard to make people believe you when your character says stuff like “This is a nightmare!” and “Get me out of here!”
If it’s not one thing, it’s another when it comes to Charlie Sheen. The spinner on his giant chore wheel of a life has landed on “Baby Mama Drama”. People got their hands on some court documents that Charlie filed in which he’s requested that his child support payments to ex-wife Brooke Mueller for their 6-year-old twin boys be lowered.
While he was on Two and a Half Men – a show I have never seen because, despite what the amount of alcohol I ingest would suggest, I value my brain and health – he was making more money than any other ho on the TV stroll. At the time he was making roughly $613,000 per month and that heavily played into factoring how much he pays Brooke and his other ex, Denise Richards (star of the greatest reality show ever, Denise Richards Colon It’s Complicated!), which is $55,ooo a month each. He’s in the middle of a messy money situation with Denise too. It’s also been reported that he sold his rights to Two and a Half Turds for $26,750,000. While he isn’t crying ‘poor’, he is saying that his income has drastically changed and as such the payments he makes should reflect that. Charlie is saying that currently he makes around $87,384 per month.
“Yeah, okay…” said drugs. No. It totally wasn’t drugs. At least according to Charlie Sheen it wasn’t. So, remember way way back to 2011 when Charlie Sheen was at peak-Charlie Sheen? When he was fucking piles of porn stars and ranting like a crack-smoking subway cockroach about winning and warlocks and tiger blood pumping through his veins? It doesn’t take the wisdom of the Cartoon All-Stars to assume that Crazy Unky Chuck had been snorting everything under his kitchen sink. But apparently that wasn’t the case. The real culprit? Testosterone cream.
Page Six says Charlie is once again talking to his new BFF Dr. Oz on Wednesday, this time about what made him such a mess five years ago. They also discussed Charlie’s recent rage out when he called his ex-wife Denise Richards a “puss wart” via a text sent to their daughter and threatened to kill them. Apparently all that anger comes from having too many jacked-up male hormones running around in his system.
“It was a lot of highs and lows. I was taking a lot of testosterone cream, and I think I went too far with it. It was kind of like a borderline…not a ‘roid rage, but a ‘roid disengage.”
Since the only cream I’m familiar with is the kind you spray into your mouth from a can, I had to look up what the hell testosterone cream was. Apparently it’s used for dudes who need to increase their testosterone levels. Okay, I’m no medical professional, but even I know that shit should come with a warning that says “Do NOT apply directly to Charlie Sheen.”
Pic: Sony Pictures Television
Every night before the families of Charlie Sheen’s lawyers eat their usual casual dinner of filet mignon, caviar and truffles dipped in liquid gold they bow their heads and give thanks to the tiger blood-having warlock for keeping their family rich as hell with his messiness. Charlie’s lawyers are already busy dealing with the lawsuits from “desperate charlatans” who are suing him for allegedly not telling them that he’s HIV positive, and now they have to add a lawsuit from Denise Richards to their big, fat pile.
When Charlie Sheen told the world that he’s HIV positive on the Today show last November, he said that the virus was undetectable in his system thanks to the meds he was taking. That reminds me of the old saying: If it’s not broke, why try to fix it by getting an alternative treatment from a crazy doctor? Well, Charlie Sheen went against that saying by going off his meds and flying off to Mexico to get “cured.”
In a 2-part interview with my mom’s boo Dr. Oz that aired yesterday and today, Charlie said that he met with Dr. El Chapo who immediately put him on an HIV-fighting regimen of blow and meth. No, Charlie says he was treated by Dr. Sam Chachoua, a doctor who claims to be working on an HIV vaccine.
Burt Reynolds has been on a roll while promoting his new memoir. Burt committed a sin by talking shit about Boogie Nights, the gift of a movie that gave-us a coked up Julianne Moore talking about taking a pottery class and now he’s brought a load of outrage on top of his polyester toupee by saying that Charlie Sheen deserved to get HIV.
Burt’s 79-year-old ass was on the British talk show Loose Women (via People) on Monday and he was asked about Charlie Sheen’s HIV diagnosis. I remember during the whole AIDS PANIC!!! era of the 80s, The National Enquirer or some shit like that said that Burt had AIDS and he later said he was afraid that rumor was going to ruin his career. You’d think that’d make Pepaw Burt a little bit sensitive, but nope. Burt Reynolds went full Burt Reynolds. Those rose-colored glasses are strictly for show. The alleged wife beater said this:
“He’s handled it badly, I think. His father is a very, very decent man and a dear friend of mine. I feel bad for him but Charlie, I don’t feel bad for him. He’s getting what he deserves. If you’re going to misbehave like that, they’re going to get you.
He misbehaved badly. Very badly. But you know, when you’re that age, it’s tough. All those things are coming at you and it’s difficult.”
Many people on Twitter called Burt ignorant and said he was pushing a stigma, and even if Burt knew what a Twitter was, he wouldn’t give a fuck. Burt wears colored glasses on a day that isn’t October 31st, so he obviously doesn’t care. If you shook his stache out, you wouldn’t find one fuck in there. Burt is your grouchy grandpa who’d tell you that you deserved it and to quit crying when you crack your skull open on the headboard while jumping on the bed. “Just pour some ammonia on your head and go get me a hard candy” is probably what he’d say.
And here’s Pepaw Burt out in London:
Seen above looking like Carmen
Sandiego Tijuana (no offense to Tijuana, the outlet stores there were a major part of my childhood), Charlie Sheen has officially responded to the lawsuit that his ex-goddess/fiancee Brett Rossi put in a pipe for him to smoke up. Brett Rossi (government name: Scottine Ross) is suing Charlie for the emotional distress she says he caused her by being abusive in more ways than one. Brett claimed in the court papers she filed that Charlie verbally and physically abused her, didn’t tell her about being HIV+ and made her get an abortion. Charlie filed his response to Brett’s lawsuit in court yesterday, and he obviously didn’t write it himself, because it’s missing Shakespearean phrases like “salt-less reputations” and “washed up piglet shame pile.”