Back in March, Charlie Sheen went to a judge and said that those Two and a Half Men residual checks ain’t what they used to be and asked that his monthly child support payments to Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller be decreased. Charlie claimed he couldn’t afford those giant child support checks for his four kids, because his million-dollar days were behind him. He said that he’s only making a little over $87, 000 a month now. That’s still a lot of money, but it doesn’t take a Suze Orman to see that that’s no where near enough to cover the two $55,000 checks he wrote to Denise and Brooke each month.
Denise and Brooke could have fought Charlie for the money, but instead they decided to play nice and give him a child support break. Just call them Charlie’s Financial Angels.
Charlie Sheen was in the UK over the weekend, because he did a live interview with fellow flaming suppository Piers Morgan at a theater in London. Watching Charlie and Piers in a conversation is probably like watching two b-holes take turns busting out a sloppy wet fart into each other. Charlie was on The Graham Norton Show to promote his live scat show with Piers, and the subject of Donald Trump was brought up.
In the past, Piers has stuck his tongue up Donald Trump’s ass many times and so Graham asked Charlie for this thoughts about the mutated moldy Circus Peanut. Charlie made it clear that he’s not here for Trump. Charlie then told a story about how Trump gave him a pair of “platinum diamond Harry Winston” cufflinks that turned out to be worth less than the stunning “gold” jewelry my cousins buy from a dude with a briefcase on the beaches in Ensenada, Mexico.
Here’s some news that’s bound to be a real bummer to those lovesick dreamers out there who were wishing on a star that they might one day be the next goddess to write the name “Mrs. Charlie Sheen” on their checks.
During a recent interview with Extra to promote a new condom (but more on that in a second), humanoid sketchy pet shop lizard Charlie Sheen admitted that he will never get married again. Charlie says he is too busy trying to stay healthy to be married to someone. But….he also admits that he sucks at marriage.
“There’s nobody special right now. I’m not dating. I got my hands full with dealing with my health, taking care of my family. People ask me about marriage. You know, I think I would sooner walk on the moon in exactly what I’m wearing than head back to the altar….Never going to happen, never going to happen. When you’re terrible at something, why keep doing it? I’m 0 for 3.”
Charlie’s first marriage ended in 1996 after he was busted for being a name on Heidi Fleiss’ client list. His second marriage to Denise Richards ended in 2006, but they’re still fighting about money. His third marriage to Brooke Mueller is also a mess (they’re also fighting about money and she recently took out a restraining order against him). So getting married again might not be a great idea. Holy shit, did Charlie Sheen just say something that makes sense?
Okay, so about that condom thing.
Well, it’s the weekend and I’m in Florida (HELP) so of course there’s a new story about Charlie Sheen and his ex-fiance, Brett Rossi, real name Scottine. I woke up with the overwhelming desire to cry because I lost my phone last night but seeing this story has given me some clarity. When you think you’re a mess, have acted a mess, just messed mess, think of Charlie Sheen and Brett Rossi. Or Charlie Sheen and anyone. Even Charlie Sheen and inanimate objects. There is no way he doesn’t yell at and allegedly threaten inanimate objects the same way he does living things.
As reported by world renowned journalist, me, last weekend, Brett Rossi filed for a restraining order against Charlie after hearing recordings of him talking about how he’d like to hire someone to kick her head in, amongst other very classy and normal things. The LA Times is reporting that Brett got her restraining order, a temporary one, yesterday. The Times also says that this is hot on the heels of the LAPD saying, on Wednesday, that Charlie is under investigation for alleged threats he made against Brett.
You’d think that think that all things have a limit. Water freezes at 32 degrees. A rope can only hold so much before it breaks. The strain on the Earth’s resources will one day become too much. But, as has been proven time and time again, the law of limits does not apply to Charlie Sheen or his telenovela meets horror movie of a life. So here we are, yet again, staring into the dark abyss and wondering if what we are looking at will ever drive us mad. Charlie’s ex, Brett Rossi, has filed a restraining order against him.
A few weeks ago, Charlie Sheen cried about the number of zeroes he has to write on his child support checks to his third ex-wife Brooke Mueller every month. According to Charlie, he couldn’t afford to keep handing over so much cash because he’s not making Two and a Half Men money anymore. Now TMZ is saying that Charlie also wants his second ex-wife Denise Richards to take a pay cut.
Once again, Charlie has filed papers claiming he’s not bringing in nearly as much money as he once was and wants a judge to slash the amount of child support he has to pay every month to Denise. Charlie has been paying Denise $55,000 a month (the same amount he pays Brooke) since 2009, but he says he can’t afford that much because his income has “drastically declined.” During the 8th season of Two and a Half Men, Charlie was pulling in $1.8 million an episode. But as Martin mentioned last time, Charlie has claimed those days are over and he only makes $87,384 a month now.
Charlie also reused the same low-income excuses from the papers he filed two weeks ago regarding his child support situation with Brooke. According to Charlie, his bank account is currently in a bad place. Charlie sold his rights to Two and a Half Men and he says that it costs a lot of money to be an HIV-positive person.
This isn’t the only cash keep-away game Charlie is playing with Denise. She is currently suing Charlie for $1.2 million for selling the house she and their daughters were living in and keeping the money for himself.
I think Charlie might be jumping the gun a bit here (and with Charlie’s gun history, that’s not a good thing). He should have waited until after that movie he’s making with Whoopi about 9/11 bombs at the box office. That way, he’d have indisputable proof that his bank account is busted. “Your honor, as you can see, I’m clearly in no position to be writing child support checks for $55,000.”