Let’s all take a moment to put our hands together (or put your feet together if your hands are too busy fapping) and say a prayer of thanks for the fact that Charlie Hunnam lives in Los Angeles and not Paris. Because according to Natalie Portman, the Lanvin uniform-wearing police officers of France would immediately arrest and jail Charlie Hunnam for the sinful crime of wearing sloppy workout clothes and showing his knees like an uncouth peasant! (Side note about Natalie’s comments: I went to Paris in July, and surprisingly, they didn’t run me out of the city, so they’re obviously okay with temporary trash.)
Charlie did stuff in L.A. on Saturday as his armpit fur twirled in the wind and he worked a really hot pair of scrunched-up sweat capris. About two weeks ago, I posted a tip-moistening video of Charlie Hunnam doing The 22 Push-Up Challenge. Charlie didn’t only do it once. He’s done it 13 times so far and his friend has posted all of the videos of him doing it on Instagram. But I’m sure you already knew that, because I’m sure you bought a projector at Best Buy and projected Charlie’s push-up videos on your bedroom ceiling as you lay sprawled out naked on a tarp.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Just like Chris Evans, Scott Eastwood, The Rock, Chris Pratt, Anna Faris and everybody else before him, Charlie Hunnam raised awareness for veteran suicide providing by getting down on the floor and humping the air. (“That slut air, I hate it.” – every jealous Hunnam-a-holic) Charlie was nominated by his friend Dominic. A few of the famous dudes who have done the #22PushUpChallenge have done it in front of a dog, but Charlie knew that wouldn’t end well if he did. The last time Charlie did push-ups in front of dogs, the dude dog got a lipstick so hard that his peen blew off and the chick dog, who was spayed, re-grew ovaries and a uterus and got pregnant. So it’s for the best. And yes, this IG video is sped up. He doesn’t hump that fast.
My only complaint is that Charlie should’ve done those pushups with his bare nalgas out. That would’ve helped another cause: the California drought. Because the sight of Charlie’s raw nalgas going up and down again would’ve made a million coochies shoot out a geyser.
Here’s Charlie struttin’ that ass in Beverly Hills yesterday:
Since we’re on the subject of crazed mega fans with insanity running through their veins, here’s pictures from over the weekend of coochie seizure-inducer Charlie Hunnam in NYC with his jewelry designer girlfriend of a few years Morgana McNelis. Or as some of his crazed mega fans call her (probably), Tramp Slut Thotty Whore McHussyFace.
Last month, Lainey Gossip posted about a weird video message that Charlie Hunnam made for the batshit fans who were throwing hate balls at his girlfriend. Originally, Charlie gave a “leave my girlfriend aloooone” note to Tina, a woman who runs one of his fan sites. Tina posted the note and many of his fans didn’t believe it came from him. When they called Tina a liar, Charlie made a video message where he said that the note was real and he wants all of his Hunnamaniacs to stop messing with Tina and his girlfriend. It was something to file in a folder labeled “Being Famous Is Weird.”
Well, Morgana must think that the streets are safe again, because she came out in NYC over the weekend. That lady behind Morgana is me, because she’s obviously saying to her friend, “I can’t believe you’re taking pictures of stupid buildings when you should be taking pictures of dat ass right there.” But honestly, I’m disappointed in that Morgana chick. Because what’s the point of hitting the pap stroll with Charlie Hunnam if you’re not going to wear a third trimester baby pillow with a maternity t-shirt that reads, “Your Fake Boyfriend Busted A Raw Nut Up Into This. Seethe, Hos, Seethe!” Really, there’s no point at all!
Sadly, a shirtless Charlie Hunnam isn’t in your “V” (if you’re a chick and in your “man V” if you’re a dude). But panty cream-summoner Charlie Hunnam is shirtless in a V Man photo shoot where he was done up like he’s starring in a sexy post-apocalyptic S&M remake of Braveheart. I know that red cross on his face is for English pride, but it’s the same red cross the coochie coroner will paint on your genitals when it passes out and dies after looking at that picture of him licking his thumb.
Charlie also said words to V. Specifically, he said words about Fifty Shades of Shit. Yes, people are still asking him questions about dodging that diarrhea bullet and yes, he’s still answering those questions. I guess if you were supposed to be on a ship that crashed into a rock and exploded, people would constantly ask you about it. So when I put it that way, it makes sense that people keep asking Charlie about why he dropped out of that disaster.
V Man brought up Charlie quitting Fifty Shades and I wish there was a video of his response, because it sounds like he gave the performance of his lifetime! Charlie dramatically told V Man that dropping out of that mess was the most “emotionally destructive and destructive thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. That’s funny, because I would think that actually making the movie would be the most “emotionally destructive and difficult thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. Charlie says that he cried for 20 minutes on the phone after breaking the news to Fifty Shades’ director Sam Taylor-Johnson. He was probably crying tears of joy and she was probably crying tears of sadness because she wouldn’t get to see his ass bouncing up and down live and in person.
Charlie says that contrary to some tricks’ belief, he didn’t quit Fifty Shades because of the sex scenes:
“The outside perception of that was that I got really cold feet and got scared of the explicit nature of the sexuality of the piece,” he says. As an example, he refers to a prior role in Showtime’s Queer as Folk, saying, “When I was 18 I was getting fucked in the ass, completely naked on national TV, you know?”
Oh, I know, Charlie. I know. I owned the DVD.
Pics: V Man/Tim Walker
No, I did not Photoshop that picture at all. Angels literally fly out of Charlie Hunnam’s ass went he humps. Holiness goes out as holiness goes in.
ICYHFTIY (In case you haven’t fapped to it yet), here’s my favorite Sons of Anarchy cast member, Charlie Humman’s ass cheeks, thrusting and clenching during another fuck scene on last night’s episode. The office of the Parents Television Council is closed today, because they need time to fully analyze the dark-sided, raunchy, sucio sinfulness going on in last night’s sex scene (read: they need time to rage jack to it). Once they finish doing that, they need more time to pray for FX’s dirty soul (read: cool their genitals before going for round 2) before they write a 10,000 word statement condemning this filth (read: write the statement with one hand while fapping some more with the other).
There’s two NSFWish GIFs of Charlie fake fucking after the cut and there’s many more at My New Plaid Pants. Like I’ve said before, I don’t watch SoA and there’s only one episode left, but just in case Charlie’s clenching nalgas make one last appearance, I’m going to watch next week while sitting on a tarp with one bottle of lube in one hand and a cocktail in the other.
I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy (I know I should because Peg Bundy + Charlie Hunnam’s nalgas), but apparently the beginning last week’s episode was a real fuck fest. Entertainment Weekly says that the episode opened with a three minute-long sex montage that showed six couples going at it and one chick going at it with herself. Oh, it also had a serving of Charlie Hunnam’s butt. Sons of Anarchy comes on screens at 10pm and they throw up a TV-MA warning before the show and after every commercial break. So the eyes of innocent children are warned. But of course, those hysterical, pearl clutchers at the Parents Television Council are outraged and appalled. They can’t believe that a network that gives us all that hot, beautiful fuck time goodness is in the same cable package as the Disney Channel. PTC’s president, Tim Winter, thinks FX needs to move out of basic cable and join those filthy fuck merchants on premium cable. Tim Winter spit out this stream of laugh juice:
“It’s official: In order to watch cable news, ESPN, Disney or the History Channel, every family in America must now also pay for pornography on FX. Last week’s episode of Sons of Anarchy opened with the most sexually explicit content we’ve ever seen on basic cable, content normally found on premium subscription networks like HBO or Showtime … If FX wants to be like HBO and air this kind of explicit content, then they should become a premium network … Families should not be forced to underwrite pornography. Cable Choice is a solution whose time has come, and there could hardly be a better example of it than this.”
Porn, really? Those PTC hos know the difference between fake cable sex and porn. Porn is the stuff they shame fap to on their iPads in the bathroom while the shower is on, towels are covering the mirrors and nobody’s in the house. FX didn’t have a comment about this, because why waste their keystrokes?
Like I said, I don’t watch SoA, but I do watch The Bridge (RIP) and American Horror Story and they get violent as hell. They cut each other open and crap. Why isn’t the PTC screaming about that? The PTC really needs to stop spitting out their rage letters and start learning how to block the dark-sided channels on their TVs. The public shouldn’t be deprived of Charlie Hunnam’s ass because those dumb ass parents aren’t parenting.
On the other hand…
If the PTC never released that ridiculous, stupid letter, I might not even know about SoA’s great big sex montage. But because their letter was picked up by everyone, I see Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass all over the place. So thank you for that, PTC. Thank you. You’re still crazy, but you did good work this time.
And after the cut is Charlie Hunnam’s ass in motion. I know, I really should’ve put it up top to save your eyes from scanning all those words.