Category: Charity

Jamie Foxx Will Host A Telethon For Hurricane Harvey Relief

August 31, 2017 / Posted by:

The last we heard from Jamie Foxx, he was pissing people off with a lame fake sign language gag and avoiding the wrath of Xenu by denying a relationship with Katie Holmes. But in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, we can put all that foolishness aside. Jamie, a Texas native, is going to be hosting a telethon to raise money for hurricane relief.

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Taylor Swift Is Giving $1 Million To Help The Victims Of The Louisiana Flood

August 17, 2016 / Posted by:

It feels like the news has shown me that video of a hero rescuing a woman and her pooch from a Miata being swallowed by the floodwaters in Baton Rouge at least 4,500 hundred times, but beyond that, I haven’t seen that much coverage. (“Bitch, that’s because you get all your news from PornHub.” – you “Too-shay” – me) It’s like the news has been all about the Olympics and what flaming smegma gob came out of Donald Trump’s yell hole today. They haven’t really put tons of focus on the flooding in Louisiana that has killed 11 people and left thousands homeless. Taylor Swift decided to raise awareness about the flooding and also tell us that she donated $1 million to help the victims, so she gave a statement to the Associated Press:

“We began The 1989 World Tour in Louisiana, and the wonderful fans there made us feel completely at home. The fact that so many people in Louisiana have been forced out of their own homes this week is heartbreaking. I encourage those who can to help out and send your love and prayers their way during this devastating time.”

Tay Tay also donated $500,000 for Nashville flood relief in 2010, and she gave $100,000 to help out the flood victims of Cedar Rapids, Iowa in 2008. Dosomething.org also named her the most charitable celebrity soul in DA WORLD for four years straight. Some of us cynical whores are probably thinking to ourselves, “Tax write-off and damage control payment, I see!,” but a million dollars can help a lot and her statement could push others to help. (Speaking of, Nola.com put together a list of ways to help.) Meanwhile, one of Tay Tay’s arch rivals Kim Kardashian just ordered a pair of matching his-and-hers $3 million canary diamond anus cuffs for herself and Kanye.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Mark Zuckerberg And His Wife Will Give Nearly All Of Their Facebook Shares To Charity

December 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan’s new daughter, Max, was born a week ago and in a really long open letter to her that he posted on Facebook today, he announced that they will slowly give 99% of their Facebook shares to charity over the course of their lives. I guess at Harvard they don’t teach you that one-week old babies can’t read letters!

But seriously, you don’t have to worry about Mark and Priscilla pulling out cans from public trash cans to pay their electric bill, because their Facebook shares are currently worth $45 billion. You know you’re a crazy stupid kind of rich when you can give away most of your fortune and still be a crazy stupid kind of rich.

Mark and Priscilla will manage the money through a newly formed organization called the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative. I guess it’s going to be like the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Here’s a piece of their letter:

As you begin the next generation of the Chan Zuckerberg family, we also begin the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative to join people across the world to advance human potential and promote equality for all children in the next generation. Our initial areas of focus will be personalized learning, curing disease, connecting people and building strong communities.

We will give 99% of our Facebook shares — currently about $45 billion — during our lives to advance this mission. We know this is a small contribution compared to all the resources and talents of those already working on these issues. But we want to do what we can, working alongside many others.

We’ll share more details in the coming months once we settle into our new family rhythm and return from our maternity and paternity leaves. We understand you’ll have many questions about why and how we’re doing this.

The New York Times says that they will start by giving no more than $1 billion to their organization every year for the next 3 years.

If I was baby Max, I’d take one look at that letter and say, “Too long, didn’t read. Am I still filthy rich or what?!

And you probably just heard what sounded like several bags of silicone hitting the floor. Oh, that was just the Kardashians passing out over the thought of giving 99% of their fortune to charity.

Pic: Getty

Paris Hilton Hosted A Foam Party For Kids In Ibiza

September 1, 2015 / Posted by:

That baby on the right is obviously thinking, “I am way too sober for this,” and those are my thoughts exactly.

“Paris Hilton Hosted A Foam Party For Kids In Ibiza” are 10 words that when put together in one sentence makes your brain burp up one thought: WUT? DJ Wonky McValtrex is currently pressing the play button on her iPod while doing a summer residency at Club Amnesia in Ibiza and on Saturday afternoon, she hosted a party for a bunch children.

Before you look for the number to Child Protective Services in Ibiza, TMZ says that DJ Wonky’s rave for kids was also a charity benefit to raise money for children with disabilities. $100,000 was raised. So that means we can take away St. Angie Jolie’s title as this generation’s Patron Saint of Children and give it to Paris. Because has St. Angie ever raised a hundred thousands dollars by throwing a foam party in Ibiza for a bunch of kids?

It’s stories like this that remind me that nothing is stranger than real-life. I don’t think there’s a drunk strong enough to cause me to hallucinate the image of a charitable Paris Hilton dancing in front of an audience of glow stick-waving children at a club in Ibiza.

Pics: Instagram, TMZ

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Mitt Romney Is So Relieved

October 12, 2012 / Posted by:

YES it is two Lohan posts back to back with another sprinkling of politics because annoying the shit out of people is fun!!! And then there’s that slow news day angle, and I refuse to report on that Justin Bieber stolen video Twitter shit. Even a ho has standards.

Mitt Romney can finally quit lying awake at 3:00 am, clutching his teddy and staring at his ceiling tiles through streaming tears, wondering if he will get the oh-so-important nod of approval by Lindsay Lohan. The election gods have answered your prayers Mitt, and you have LiLo’s support and vote. Probably, possibly, maybe. Mitt’s camp must be thrilled.

E! Online (I know) says Lindsay was on the pink carpet at Mr Pink’s Ginseng Drink Event (sounds like some really vigorous lesbian action, HOT) and while she was struttin’ that ass she was asked who she was going to dangle her chad for.

She said “I just think employment is really important right now. So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.” Then she said “It’s a long story.”

It’s nice to see Lindsay finally coming to terms with her future employment options and getting real about something. I guess.

Lilo Is New And Improved. Stop Laughing.

December 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Have you ever tried to type while you’re laughing your ass off??  Then you’ll forgive the typos when I tell you that Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman ahahahaha no seriously hahahaha… AHEM!  SHE HAS CHANGED!!  TMZ says that Lilo has turned down numerous (hey, two counts as numerous) offers to host NYE parties because she desperately wants to change her party girl image.

One, BITCH PLEASE.  If you don’t want to be seen as a party girl, step one is to quit being a drunk coke-addled fuck up in public.  That last sentence made cactuses everywhere shed a tear of loneliness.  Two, like her broke ass can afford to turn down jack shit.  Bitch would shill for Massengil Extra Cleansing at this point, please.  (Note: Linds, please Google Massengil extra cleansing and think about giving it a try.  Love, your johns).

So here’s to Lindsay and turning over a new leaf…looks a lot like this.  

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