Channing Tatum’s been eschewing boring old press junkets in favor of a cross country promotional tour for his upcoming NASCAR themed heist movie, Logan Lucky. Channing and crew have been popping up in places where regular Americans go with their own MAGA (Make American Grind Again) campaign and chopping it up with the locals.
Channing Tatum recently opened the official Magic Mike male stripper show in Las Vegas, and he’s been doing the press rounds for it. E! News showed him a bunch of pics of other male celebrities and asked him to come up with stripper aliases for them on the spot. Channing dialed his mind from: “did I really sign up to star in a gender-swapped reboot of Splash?” to: “play cutesy with the press” and gave it the old college try.
Here are some of Channing’s suggestions followed by mine:
Channing: “Rusty Sparkplug”
Me: “Bronzer Buttplug”
Channing Tatum: “Debonair Dogleg”
Me: Forget the game for a mo and let’s wonder why Channing is mentioning Clooney’s dogleg. Does he know something about what George is packing that we don’t? Hmmmm.
Channing: “The Unicorn”
Me: Can I use “buttplug” again?
Channing: “The English Muffin”
Me: “Jailbait Joey”
Channing: “The Tattooed Kid” (but, judging by his expression, he totally wanted to go with “Irritating Shithead”
Me: “Irritating Shithead”
Channing: “The Deep Experience”
Me: Bitch, please! (Unless he was being shady, then sure.)
Me: “Secret MAGA”
Watch Channing Tatum objectifying his fellow himbos below.
The shady paycheck-analyzing bitches at Forbes have released their annual “Actors with too many undeserved dollars in their wallet” list (aka Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors of 2016). For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has topped the list.
Forbes figured out the most overpaid actors like this:
Our rundown of Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors looked at the last three films each actor starred in before June 2016, save animated films, movies where the actor appeared in an insignificant role, or movies that were released on fewer than 2,000 screens.We then deducted the estimated production budget from the global box office for each film according to Box Office Mojo to come up with a limited definition of each movie’s operating income. We took the total operating income from the star’s three most recent significant films then divided by the star’s estimated pay for those films to come up with a final return on investment number.
Math isn’t my strongest brain function, so I’m taking Forbes’ word for it.
Okay, so I have some good news and some bad news. Let’s start with the bad news first. The bad news is that latest film resting comfortably on the nostalgia lanai in your memory to get violently kicked off its wicker chair and forced into a remake is the 1984 film Splash. The good news is that this new Splash will be a gender-swapped remake starring dopey hunk Channing Tatum as Madison the Mermaid. Remakes usually give me a not-great feeling in the pit of my stomach, but not this time. A topless and constantly-wet Channing Tatum in a mermaid tail gawking around New York City for two hours? I am 100% on board for this.
“And that where Channing put skin stick. In the lady cave. Channing do good sex.“…is what I like to think sexy caveman stripper doofus Channing Tatum is explaining in the picture above. Oh, who am I kidding? If he’s saying anything, it’s probably: “I TOTALLY HIT THAT BEEEEEOTCH! HAHAHAHAHA.”
If you have ever wondered what sex is like between Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan Tatum, you’re in luck. Channing got all Taxicab Confessions during a Facebook Live interview with Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) about their sex life, and it’s capital S-E-X-Y. Channing says that sometimes they do it fast. Sometimes they do it slow. And sometimes he just lays there and lets her do all the work. Ooooh, someone open a window; it just got very hot in here.
“I just lay there. I just lay down, sometimes I nap. Yeah, she’s really athletic. We get down! We truly have all different kinds of sex. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Look, you gotta get this done. I gotta go to work.’ And that’s a real thing. To me, that’s us being completely open…Then you have full-on, just completely totally connected otherworldly connections. We communicate very well. We don’t hate fuck each other. That’s not what we do.”
Hold up. Who said anything about hate fucking??? That interview took a really sharp turn. That doesn’t exactly seem like Cosmo sex tip material. Then again, I haven’t read Cosmo in a couple of years. But I think I would have remembered passing a cover boasting “23 NEW Ways to Hate Fuck Your Man” in the grocery store.
So there you go. Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum have normal people sex. That’s fine. But what I really want to know more about are those “otherworldly connections.” Like, are we talking ‘fucking so good you go forward in time and get a thumbs-up from your own ghost’ kind of otherworldly? Or is it more like a ‘humping yourselves into an alternate universe that you can only return from via a three-way with Dr. Sam Beckett‘ kind of thing. I need to know these things, Channing! Have you had Quantum Leap sex or not?
The first Magic Mike made over $113 million in the US, and even though the second one made just over $66 million, it still turned a profit. Channing Tatum is continuing to milk Magic Mike for money, and announced yesterday that a peen-flapping, crotch-thrusting, nipple-flashing Magic Mike Live show is hitting the Hard Rock (I see what they did there) in Las Vegas next March. If your genitals howl like a cartoon wolf in a tux over Channing Tatum, tell it to calm down, because he’s not going to be a regular in the show.